Wife is about to make it physical.

[jnj express]

Hey RF-----where do you get off, oh yes i know its a public forum, and you can say anything you want, but try using whatever brains you were given, and help the situation-----is that all you know---the gutter---that's where your suggesting van go----no matter what, doing another woman at this point is gonna solve nothing, and screw him up way more than he already is

 

Don't sit here with your holier than thou attitude, and try to pull people down where you actually are----you know da*n well him doing another woman is not the answer to anything!!!!!!!

[Calif_hope]

Hey RF-----where do you get off, oh yes i know its a public forum, and you can say anything you want, but try using whatever brains you were given, and help the situation-----is that all you know---the gutter---that's where your suggesting van go----no matter what, doing another woman at this point is gonna solve nothing, and screw him up way more than he already is

 

Don't sit here with your holier than thou attitude, and try to pull people down where you actually are----you know da*n well him doing another woman is not the answer to anything!!!!!!!

 

I agree with this............ RF, chill if you can't be helpful, stay out of it.

[StoneCold]

Which is why is suggested the prozzie. At least you won't feel like a powerless cuckold, eh? At this point it can't be call cheating because your marriage is dead. Like someone said, it's like leaving the arena when your team is down 30 points in the fourth. Don't listen to the do-gooder posters on here, and do whats best for yourself and your sanity. These guys have good intentions but have been programmed to think in a very black and white way. Some would probably even advise you to stay celibate when you're 8 months separated and the wife is banging every tom dick and harry in town becaue its cheeaaaatiiinnnggg. Is it really, and do you owe a wife who flaunts an affair in your face honesty at your own expense?

 

I'm with you RF

 

I agree with this............ RF, chill if you can't be helpful, stay out of it.

 

 

Ho are you so sure hes not being helpful? thats up to Van to decide

Edited August 3, 2011 by StoneCold

[StoneCold]

the only advice i can add would be to handle the situation in the way that feels right for you, and it's okay if you make a few mistakes... you are going through a experience that is very emotionally draining and it's bound to happen. just do whatever feels right for you.

 

 

I second this

[Mimolicious]

Van's wife is named Emily?

 

I can hear the collective groans already.

 

 

No silly! There is a storm forming in the Atlantic.

[Mimolicious]

Does she really think a young up-and-coming singer would want a 42 year old mom for anything more than a **** and chuck? It just boggles the mind that she would throw away her family for this pipe dream. Must be delusional...

 

 

As his ticket out of Cuba, yes. She is in for a big surprise if she really leaves her family for this dude.

[StoneCold]

As his ticket out of Cuba, yes. She is in for a big surprise if she really leaves her family for this dude.

 

 

I wouldnt be surprised if hes thinking....

 

"I can sing...this is verifiable due to my success here. But here in Cuba I'll never make the money that I could in North America. I'll seduce this silly mom....get into Canada...get my citizenship....then make millions of dollars in the US with my singing and I'll be rolling in a Bently on 20 inch dubs; appearing on MTV Cribs telling people about how I gets down and the magic thats happening in threesomes with white women nightly"

 

 

ROTFLMAO

[reboot]

Van, I'm really sorry to hear this latest development. I know this hurts beyond comprehension. It seems that she's left you with only one avenue to proceed down. Stay strong, it's HER loss.

[Mimolicious]

She just landed in Havana. I checked the flight tracker website.

 

I think she understands the consequence (financial uncertainty, kids distressed and confused) but deep down she doesn't believe it will come to pass. I guess my track record of not being firm has given her the false sense of confidence. Well, she's in for a wake up I guess.

 

Richard, that's what's been driving me nuts since I first uncovered this. The really odd thing is that every time we argued about this she had all the logical statements which contradicted her actions. She would say "What? you think I'm one of those cougars who go to the Caribbean for some young latino action?" or "Seriously, who would take me, a 42 year old mother of two?" (well dear, apparently YOU do), etc....I honestly believe something got f**ked up in her head that is making her believe that she can play this two-timing gig for as long as she can.

 

Her problem is that she's so into this fog that she has become sloppy. For example, when she returned from her previous trip (the catalyst if you will) she bought a new really nice fragrance called "Ange ou Demon - Le Secret" by Givenchy. However, in the last few days she started wearing the old one so yesterday in the evening I asked how come she stopped wearing the new fragrance. She said "Oh, it finished and besides I got tired of it". I asked what was it called. "Oh, I don't remember". Little does she know that I saw the bottle (unfinished) a day earlier in our washroom. Now you may be wondering why the hell am I rambling on about her fragrance. Its because I have access to her facebook and I saw old messages between her and her infamous travel friend from March. The friend was complaining to my wife about a coworker she has the hots for, but he's having cold feet. My wife comforted her and said "Its ok. He has nothing to offer you and besides we have to be prepared for any outcome when pursuing relationships outside the family". The other one responds "well at least we know what "perfume" to use". My wife says "My perfume, I will test on [the guy] only!". Fast forward to today after work. I see the old bottle is still in the washroom and the new one "le secret" is gone. Guess she'll be testing that perfume after all

 

Sparten, No I cannot believe this is happening. I really don't. This evening has been hell for me. Really hell. I feel empty inside. I can't put it into words. I took the kids out for dinner, did some small item shopping, drove around, anything to keep me busy but I can't f**king concentrate on anything. Maybe tomorrow will be better. we'll see. Thanks everyone for your support.

 

 

Oh whoa! Your W is something else. I told you before, she is using reversed psychology on you. People who do this are manipulative, deceiving, and IMO they have no shame or scrupples. On top of it all, they insult one's intelligence. GTFO!

 

Not for nothing, this "friend" of your W sounds like someone that may have some sort of influence in your W's behavior. Now they share a common interest. Having the "hots" for men other than their H's. They sound like 2 High School teens. Testing perfume on a guy?! Who does this?! SMH

I guess they have "scent" rather than "essence".

 

Van, your W thinks that she will pay no consequences to her actions. Like you said, she thinks you are making idle threats (like you have in the past). She cares about "instant gratification" and can't see the forest for the trees. I was married to a loser like this. I can tell you one thing, she will make you feel and look like you are insane. That you are making something out of nothing. That you are too jealous and insecure and that you are suffocating her. Then she will blame and justify her cheating on you for behaving out of bound. DON'T FALL FOR IT!!! It's all a Bullshyte tactic to now own their part.

 

If you really want to teach her a lesson, you may really need to follow through with your ultimatum or else she will treat you like a doormat. KICK HER OUT WHEN SHE COMES BACK! TAKE CONTROL!

[1956peace]

Hi there,

 

I am so sorry you are going through all this but the plan now is when she returns you present her with a separation agreement and the evidence from your P.I.

You don't give her any options....

You contact a real estate person and have a contract for the selling the house available for her to sign,

Remember the idea is to come across with a seriousness that will get her out of her foggy affair state.........

Then you expose the affair and the evidence to anyone that is important to her....

Taking these steps is a good idea, anything can be reversed when the time comes. she needs to know she is the one that has walked away and that you are not going to be a doormat any longer.......

Once reality hits her fantasy world and thinking she is going to melt down, she will be spitting nails, so what that is what you want. Just keep saying I love you and I will do whatever it takes to save my family, over and over again...........

Don't listen to her anymore, she will lie to get what she wants, she cannot be trusted, this woman is not the woman you married.........

You let her feel all the stress this is going to cause her, don't help her, let her feel what she is done........

I hope the P.I. can send you the photos of them together before she gets home so you will have a package together to present to her......

Once the shock and anger is over for her she should let reality guide her, she will understand that the lies are over and she now has to be accountable for her actions.........she should be the one that feels remorse and she should be the one to come up with a plan for recovery of your marriage,

 

This will not happen over night, you have to come across strong and put your foot down, even if she leaves for a while. let her....let her get her senses back and that will only happen if she thinks she will lose her family and marriage..........

Patience is the key and do it with calm, and understanding and integrity.

[Mimolicious]

I wouldnt be surprised if hes thinking....

 

"I can sing...this is verifiable due to my success here. But here in Cuba I'll never make the money that I could in North America. I'll seduce this silly mom....get into Canada...get my citizenship....then make millions of dollars in the US with my singing and I'll be rolling in a Bently on 20 inch dubs; appearing on MTV Cribs telling people about how I gets down and the magic thats happening in threesomes with white women nightly"

 

 

ROTFLMAO

 

He's Cuban 22's and up on a Continental. Trust me, we can be gaudy.

 

As much as your post sounds like a joke, it has much truth to it.

 

I'll tell you a little story...

 

My uncle married a Canadian in his country. Her mother attended the wedding and fell "in love" with one of my uncle's friend. She was twice his age, ended up marrying the dude and taking him to Canada (not from Cuba though). The minute that mofo got his legal documents and he was comfortable enough to dip, he did. He left her for a bodybuilder chick half her age (well HIS same age) and now he's this famous bodybuilder too. True story.

 

These kind of guys are called "Sanky Panky's" there is even a movie about them. Google it, it's hilarious but it happens all day every day!

 

Van's W is lost in the passion of Mambo. This guy probably makes her feel hot & sexy. How many times haven't we seen someone end up destroyed for following these illusions? Hey Van, you can always tell her to start posting at LS when she crashes and burns. She'll find a lot of support at some of these forums. You can read it all over here, how caught up people get once they find "amazing" and start screwing around.

 

Not that this should make you feel any better but Cuba's STD & HIV volume is one of the lowest in Latin America. Can't say the same for the other Islands. Regardless, when your W returns ask her to go to a clinic and get a FULL PHYSICAL! There are mouth transmitted diseases. She can get your kids sick!

 

I feel for you my friend. I know you feel like a bulldozer when over you a few times, I know I did.

 

Be strong and have faith. Life doesn't throw you what you can't handle.

Edited August 3, 2011 by Mimolicious

[Try]

So, so true. Which is why I would rather have the proof, be it photos, video, whatever, and then take action. That way she cannot bull**** everyone as to the reason we are divorcing. She will have a lot of sympathetic ears so I can't take that chance.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. My heart goes out to you.

 

I doubt that the PI will be able to get better proof then you already have so you should not be waiting for this to move forward. The emails that you mention in your first post, the other emails that you later saw, the pictures that you have, the phone conversations that you heard and the video that you saw (you seeing and hearing something is eye witness evidence that counts) are all the evidence that you need to make a decision to move forward right now. The fact that she screamed at you for invading her privacy and claimed that it was all a fantasy when you tried to discuss this with her does not change the fact that it is very compelling evidence.

 

As for convincing others, the evidence that you already have, mixed with the fact that she went to Cuba after you told her not to (based on real evidence), will convince the vast majority that you acted reasonably. Do not wait. Meet an attorney now, show them what you have, and proceed as they tell you to.

 

Again, my heart goes out to you.

[woinlove]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. My heart goes out to you.

 

I doubt that the PI will be able to get better proof then you already have so you should not be waiting for this to move forward. The emails that you mention in your first post, the other emails that you later saw, the pictures that you have, the phone conversations that you heard and the video that you saw (you seeing and hearing something is eye witness evidence that counts) are all the evidence that you need to make a decision to move forward right now. The fact that she screamed at you for invading her privacy and claimed that it was all a fantasy when you tried to discuss this with her does not change the fact that it is very compelling evidence.

 

As for convincing others, the evidence that you already have, mixed with the fact that she went to Cuba after you told her not to (based on real evidence), will convince the vast majority that you acted reasonably. Do not wait. Meet an attorney now, show them what you have, and proceed as they tell you to.

 

Again, my heart goes out to you.

 

Not only does it not change these facts, her response is clearly not that of someone actively involved in her M with nothing to hide, so it only reinforces the other findings. One often reads stories here where it is so obvious from what they write that the WS has checked out of the M and their heart (and often body) lies elsewhere, but the BS still holds out hope that maybe it isn't that. It's an understandable reaction, but one that can cause further pain and upheaval if one isn't doing what one can to protect yourself and your family.

 

I agree with others, Van, that you should follow through on taking care of yourself and your children, because your wife has checked out. So sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you are doing the best you can under such painful circumstances.

[reboot]

What's funny (and sad) is that she would probably flip if she thought he was doing what she is doing.

[Tech_E]

Use this time wisely. I'd definitely have ALL my ducks in a row to unleash the full power of shock and awe upon her return.

 

ACTIONS, ACTIONS. Not words. Consult with that lawyer, real estate agent, you name it. The second you get confirmation of the physical aspect of the affair (has your PI checked in with you yet?) I'd be in contact with your folks and her folks. Affair fogs wither and die under the bright light.

 

Have the children somewhere safe for her return and lay out the entire campagin the second she arrives home. Blast her right out of this fantasy land.

 

This is not a time to be subtle, nor kind. Come down so hard she doesn't know which way is up.

 

Rally your friends, once you get confirmation about the affair, I'd also suggest informing your employer (at least to a degree) because your performance at work will suffer.

 

Hang in there, I wish there was something more I could do. Your story has struck a chord with me.

[GorillaTheater]

Use this time wisely. I'd definitely have ALL my ducks in a row to unleash the full power of shock and awe upon her return.

 

ACTIONS, ACTIONS. Not words. Consult with that lawyer, real estate agent, you name it. The second you get confirmation of the physical aspect of the affair (has your PI checked in with you yet?) I'd be in contact with your folks and her folks. Affair fogs wither and die under the bright light.

 

Have the children somewhere safe for her return and lay out the entire campagin the second she arrives home. Blast her right out of this fantasy land.

 

This is not a time to be subtle, nor kind. Come down so hard she doesn't know which way is up.

 

Rally your friends, once you get confirmation about the affair, I'd also suggest informing your employer (at least to a degree) because your performance at work will suffer.

 

I agree with all of this. At this point, it's too easy (but perfectly understandable) to become lost in your own world of hurt, but not do anything about it. Now's the time to take back control over your life. We're built for action, so get moving.

[Try]

Use this time wisely. I'd definitely have ALL my ducks in a row to unleash the full power of shock and awe upon her return.

 

ACTIONS, ACTIONS. Not words. Consult with that lawyer, real estate agent, you name it. The second you get confirmation of the physical aspect of the affair (has your PI checked in with you yet?) I'd be in contact with your folks and her folks. Affair fogs wither and die under the bright light.

 

Have the children somewhere safe for her return and lay out the entire campagin the second she arrives home. Blast her right out of this fantasy land.

 

This is not a time to be subtle, nor kind. Come down so hard she doesn't know which way is up.

 

Rally your friends, once you get confirmation about the affair, I'd also suggest informing your employer (at least to a degree) because your performance at work will suffer.

 

Hang in there, I wish there was something more I could do. Your story has struck a chord with me.

I agree with all that you said except for the part where you say that he should wait for "confirmation of the physical aspect of the affair" from the PI to contact his folks and her folks. He already has suggestive pictures of her with him along with emails and such. Since I doubt very much that he will be able to get pictures of them in bed having sex, why wait? Unless you are saying that he should do nothing if the PI does not get something better than he already has, he should not link any action to the PI. The PI is just gravy and nothing more.

[StoneCold]

The PI is just gravy and nothing more.

 

Yeah....as I said before I think the PI is a waste of money as the OP has enough from his own sleuthing. As you said its highly unlikely the PI will get anymore than he already has and expecting pics of the two of them bumping uglies might be a bit of a stretch.

 

But hes already paid for and is non refundable so what can you do

[ver13]

I just read your tread from front to back and I have to say that you have shown great restraint thru out this whole F**K up situation. Look she's gone period and now you have nothing else left to do but get you and your REAL family to a better place. You realize that no matter what happens over there it's been over for quite a while at least for her. If you look back at the whole thing and put the emotions aside you'll see that she truly dosen't care and hasn't for a some time. So now do what we do and protect the REAL family from all enemies both foreign and domestic. No matter what she will say in the future it will be all about her and nothing truly worthwhile about the REAL family until she either;

 

1. Has a vision from above - I don't see that happening anytime soon

 

2. Get's dumped by OM - You don't want to be the fall back guy

 

3. Has to face the truth in her family and friends eyes when she is out on her own.

 

All you truly have to do right now is put your true priorites up front and they are sitting next to you right now. From this point on nothing else matters to you guy's but the love and support that you need to give each one while you make it through this moment. At some point in the future you will have to deal with her again there is no avoiding that but now is the time to set the foundation that will allow you to face that moment. From here on you can say when all was lost I stood my ground for those who needed me the most. Should she come back humbled by her experience well good for her she can work that out by herself since she decided to leave the family on her own. My situation with my W was sort of similar she had an EA that I wasn't going to let happen period. When she stood her ground I stood mine for our REAL family and packed her stuff and put her out. I figured if she had to do this I wasn't going to stand in her way nor would I beg her to stay if she truly wanted to be my partner then we would work it out one way or another. That was 2yrs ago and we are still in this together it wasn't easy but it has put us in a different direction thats for sure. I've been with her for 21 yrs now and who knows maybe we'll make it to 22. The point that I'm making is that you have done all that you can do now it's up to her. None of us are perfect nor are we a bright as we would like others to think that we are, but in the end we stand alone in our personal decision. It looks like you have decided to stand up while she has chosen to sit this one out. No biggie she'll find out that the bench can be rather hard on the butt when you sit on it long enough and it's raher lonely in the long run.

[Vanhandle]

@mimolicious – she certainly will be in for a surprise. An acquaintance of ours brought over her Cuban “friend” and got married. Within the first year the guy started acting up. Jealous, moody, didn’t like the weather, etc. They are divorced now and he moved on to greener pastures.

 

As far as this “friend” of hers, she’s also a piece of work. Claims that she’s happily married but the taped conversations tell a different story. She has a guy in Cuba, a manager at work (the one with cold feet), a guy in Germany and another guy somewhere else. I could destroy her marriage if I was really vindictive, but she’s not worth my time. Karma will take care of her.

Up until she left, she tried to make it look like I was being overly jealous, insecure, and paranoid and that I will “destroy a good thing”. Unreal.

 

@Try – Thanks, but I DO need the pics/videos because as they say “a picture is worth a thousand words” Especially when someone as (formerly) well-grounded and level-headed as my wife engages in such behaviour. Convincing someone with visual evidence is much easier than spoken words and text.

 

@reboot – yeah she would have definitely flipped out. Over the years she always made it clear that when it came to infidelity, she would be utterly devastated and would NEVER forgive me if I was unfaithful.

 

@Tech_E – Appreciate the sentiment. Your advice and encouragement is more than enough. No, unfortunately, I will not be in touch with the PI until he returns. So you can imagine the nail-biting I’m going thru. What kind of pics will I see? Will I see them making out, intimate gestures, sexual dancing? Will I be able to handle it? “Knowing” of the affair is WAY different than “seeing” the affair. Brutal, just brutal.

 

Yes, I will have to compile everything and come out hard. No wilting. Time for words is over and time for action is now.

 

 

@ver13 - very true. I will try my best to follow thru but the pain right now is just unbearable. I don't mean to sound like a drama queen or belabor this, but it really does hurt...a lot!! Especially since I have no control over what's happening THERE and I'm here like a caged animal. Even my daughter senses it and keeps asking me "Daddy, why you sad? you no happy??"....

Edited August 3, 2011 by Vanhandle

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I take she went only with this friend, expose her too when you have the evidence. Her spouse needs to know and she sounds like she has helped manipulate your wife.

 

I hope there is something you can do to take your mind off what is happening (ie. the Gym, Movies, Golf, Tennis, sports on TV....).

 

Thinking about you and hope for the best (i.e. your wife has an epiphany).

[StoneCold]

As far as this “friend” of hers, she’s also a piece of work. Claims that she’s happily married but the taped conversations tell a different story. She has a guy in Cuba, a manager at work (the one with cold feet), a guy in Germany and another guy somewhere else.

 

 

Wowsers...shes got "Hos in every area code" LOL.

 

 

Thats one sore pussy lmao

[ver13]

I know that this is a crazy time for you and no matter what anyone tell's you on now to face it you have to face by yourself. But you just said that your angel has been asking you what is wrong and youknow that she can feel something is not quite right. All you can do for both you and her is to go watch a movie, eat some popcorn and plan what your going to do tommorow together. Because from this point on it's all about you guy's in more way's then one. I know you can't just block out the thought's about the W that's impossible, but you can chose to look at them and just smile at the stupidity of the moment that she has brought into being. Watch some comedy stand up is the best it'll make you laugh and cry a little but at the end of the day you'll still have your angel. Which is a good thing indeed.

[reboot]

I don't mean to sound like a drama queen or belabor this, but it really does hurt...a lot!!

 

One of the best things about this site is you're talking to people that can say "We know, we've been there, done that, got the t-shirt!". You don't sound like a drama queen, you sound like a guy that's had his whole world blown apart.

 

Hang in there Van, it'll get better. It may not seem like it right now, but it will.

[reboot]

And by the way, my kids kept me sane. Thank God for them.