Bf's trip and lack of contact are starting to get to me

[Eternal Sunshine]

The fact that the only reason he took time to communicate with you was because he was bored and had nothing better to do tells you everything you need to know.

 

Yes, agreed.

 

And lemonlegs - I also don't think it's wise to start an argument right now over this. I will do it when he gets back.

 

Ultimately, I want someone that is reliable, stable and consistent(doesn't go hot/cold all the time), is able to bring up issues that are bothering him (he is so conflict avoidant, he has never brought up anything).

 

I do think that as nice and great as he is - he is just not the right person for me. I think I know what I need to do

[Star Gazer]

Ultimately, I want someone that is reliable, stable and consistent(doesn't go hot/cold all the time), is able to bring up issues that are bothering him (he is so conflict avoidant, he has never brought up anything).

 

Why do you expect something of him you're unable/unwilling to do/be yourself?

[Audrina]

OP, I just want to chime in and get this thread back on track. You're sick so you want his attention a little more than normal I'm sure. And he's on vacation.

 

I know when I go on vacation I make a point to get in contact with my boyfriend, but we won't talk for 3 hours, it's usually a couple texts during the day and then a 30 minute or so phone call at night.

 

You know, being in a relationship it's hard ... sometimes on vacation I need a vacation away from my relationship as well.

 

I will admit, there have been some vacations where I have gone ABOVE AND BEYOND to talk to my boyfriend, and I may have spoiled him there, but that was before we were in a relationship. Now he knows when I'm on vacation, I'm on vacation. My cell phone service might not be the best, I may have chosen to leave it at the hotel room and he doesn't hold it against me.

 

I recommend not holding this against your boyfriend, and when you do talk just remind him that you miss him, you know he's on vacation but you would like to hear from him now and then.

 

And I hope you feel better.

[Enchanted Girl]

Why do you think he's emotionally distant though? Because you didn't mention this other stuff that he's supposedly doing to be emotionally distant. You mentioned a lot of stuff that actually contradicted the idea that he's emotionally distant! Because most men who were emotionally distant would use any excuse they could not to talk to you at all while on vacation. The fact that he's responding to your texts, skyping with you voluntarily, and writing you long e-mails says otherwise!

[thatone]

Eh, none of you are getting it. That's why I am not taking any advice.

 

Yes - we Skyped on his schedule. I NEVER asked him to Skype with me for hours. The thing is, when we Skyped for 3 hours - it was HIM and not me that initiated it. The weather was bad, he was bored, he had nothing to do. I kept telling him that I need to go at perhaps 1 hour mark and he kept asking me not to hang up. So there was only one day of 3 hours Skyping. Other days we Skyped for 1 hour or so. I fully accommodated his schedule at the expense of my own. Then, when he moved out of that place and I asked him to Skype every few days - he completely ignored my request. It's simply not convenient for him.

 

He has no idea that I am pissed off. How could he when we have only communicated by text in the last few days? I was/am perfectly pleasant in text, tell him that I am thinking of him and that I miss him, am minimizing my own sickness, I keep telling him to enjoy himself etc etc.

 

His distance (and yes he has been emotionally distant in the last week or so - I am not imagining it - the last time it happened was when he was considering breaking up) - anyway his distance has nothing to do with anything I did recently.

 

I see that you have all jumped to your own conclusions according to your false perception of me. This thread is pointless, I am stupid for having started it. Some poster even accused me of creating drama because I am taking antibiotics for a f-ing BACTERIAL tonsil infection - this is truly getting beyond ridiculous

 

you're not taking advice because you don't have him to unload/create drama on so you come here to create it to satisfy your need for misery.

 

you need f*cking prozac.

[zengirl]

Yes, agreed.

 

And lemonlegs - I also don't think it's wise to start an argument right now over this. I will do it when he gets back.

 

Ultimately, I want someone that is reliable, stable and consistent(doesn't go hot/cold all the time), is able to bring up issues that are bothering him (he is so conflict avoidant, he has never brought up anything).

 

I do think that as nice and great as he is - he is just not the right person for me. I think I know what I need to do

 

Well, if you want to end it, end it. Just do so maturely. To the reasons:

 

I am not sure how this guy goes hot and cold, but maybe it's just not easily describable. . . I'm not sure. However, all people go a little hot and cold (not the extreme version, but attention is never going to be 100% consistent and predictable or even, probably, as close as you'd like). In order to feel secure in the relationship --- which is what I take it you want from someone who is "reliable, stable, and consistent," you would need to first feel secure in yourself. I know that sounds like proverb hallmark card B.S. to you or something, but in or out of this relationship, that's what would benefit you most to work on. In order to have a great relationship, you have to become the person you WANT TO BE in your great relationship first, I think. That doesn't mean this guy is the guy. . . it just means, I have no idea how you could tell/how anybody could be the guy with the way you are reacting.

 

In terms of conflict avoidance, that sucks, but it's a trait you both have as well at times and inspire in people by overreacting when there is a conflict. I'm not saying it's "your fault" he is how he is (and he does sound a bit conflict avoidant, but all men are when dealing with women who are anxious to the degree you are---unless their way of dealing is leaving) but perhaps that if he wasn't conflict avoidant, you wouldn't have lasted this long.

 

Very likely, this guy is not the guy. Even if he was, the relationship has been so damaged by drama at this point. But I hope you can learn lessons in this relationship that will bring you closer to being ready for the guy.

 

Why do you think he's emotionally distant though? Because you didn't mention this other stuff that he's supposedly doing to be emotionally distant. You mentioned a lot of stuff that actually contradicted the idea that he's emotionally distant! Because most men who were emotionally distant would use any excuse they could not to talk to you at all while on vacation. The fact that he's responding to your texts, skyping with you voluntarily, and writing you long e-mails says otherwise!

 

I wonder this as well. I don't get how he's hot and cold or emotionally distant, and ES seems to say things to indicate the opposite.

[Cracker Jack]

She just takes the advice that confirms her fears and ignores everything else. Just look at her last few posts. And if anything, ES has been just as hot and cold as this guy supposedly is (which I doubt he really is, anyway), if not more.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Why do you continue to share all your drama here on LS and then either say "no one here gets it," or "see, you were ALL WRONG!"?

 

Or just eat up whatever post agrees exactly with your perspective - du -jour? You can easily PM the person who always backs you up with whatever you're stirring to get support.

 

That, I don't get.

 

Please, please, please, please break up with this guy already. You don't give a hoot about him as a person. Think of all the hot hot hot chocolate that's waiting for you!

[Nexus One]

you need f*cking prozac.

 

I have a better idea.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just kidding ES. However I am seriously doubting how you are going to become happy, satisfied and carefree when you keep over-analyzing like you do and when you keep mentally torturing yourself like this.

 

I think I said this to you before, but I'll say it again. Your mind is like a guitar string, if the tension on the string is too high it will snap, if the string is winded too loose it won't play. Take the middle path Eternal Sunshine.

 

I know...I'm like Yoda. http://bit.ly/nBW302

[torn_curtain]

It's hard for me to judge what the normal amount of communication is in a situation like this because I've never been in it, but in obsessing over this you seem to be missing the deeper problem. The bottom line is you don't respect him because he's passive and two-faced. I feel like you take him or leave him and you're just hanging on because you're worried about being alone. I would break it off.

Edited July 25, 2011 by torn_curtain

[Fondue]

Oh look! It's a weekly ES relationship-sabotage thread! How is she going to entertain us this time?

 

ES's relationship is like a bad comedy movie. They're all the same, all the same script.

 

Let me write it out for you. This is how every thread she starts goes:

 

- Writes out bf is awesome in every way imaginable. Very giving and patient.

- Points out one "questionable" detail that puts her boyfriend in bad-boy status (in her mind) that no one else would agree with.

- Plays the victim

- Everyone tells her to "stfu, you're wrong. Your Bf is the man."

- Ignores all advice and positive things people tell her.

- Few posters decide to agree with her, for some stupid reason.

- She listens to them intently, believing they're right because SHE IS A SELF FULFILLING PROPHECY.

- She looks like the victim.

- She is pleased.

 

Repeat this over and over. It never changes.

 

I hope this guy cheats on you on every piece of tail that throws him a smile in Europe. Honestly, I hope he takes pictures. Shows them to you. You deserve it. But knowing you, you'd actually love that, because that reaffirms your ambitions. You just want to look like a victim and everyone consoling you. You have some major issues, go fix them.

[oaks]

I need an objective opinion.

 

He's on holiday. He's having a break from whatever things happen normally and regularly in his life. Unfortunately (but rightly) that will include you, at least to some extent.

 

He's not forgotten about you! He'll come back refreshed and ready for your embrace.

[torn_curtain]

Oh look! It's a weekly ES relationship-sabotage thread! How is she going to entertain us this time?

 

ES's relationship is like a bad comedy movie. They're all the same, all the same script.

 

Let me write it out for you. This is how every thread she starts goes:

 

- Writes out bf is awesome in every way imaginable. Very giving and patient.

- Points out one "questionable" detail that puts her boyfriend in bad-boy status (in her mind) that no one else would agree with.

- Plays the victim

- Everyone tells her to "stfu, you're wrong. Your Bf is the man."

- Ignores all advice and positive things people tell her.

- Few posters decide to agree with her, for some stupid reason.

- She listens to them intently, believing they're right because SHE IS A SELF FULFILLING PROPHECY.

- She looks like the victim.

- She is pleased.

 

Repeat this over and over. It never changes.

 

I hope this guy cheats on you on every piece of tail that throws him a smile in Europe. Honestly, I hope he takes pictures. Shows them to you. You deserve it. But knowing you, you'd actually love that, because that reaffirms your ambitions. You just want to look like a victim and everyone consoling you. You have some major issues, go fix them.

 

This all beside the point, a distraction from the real issue, which is that Eternal just isn't that into her boyfriend. It really doesn't matter whether he communicates every day with her or not. Her feelings for him aren't going to change because her real problem with him isn't that he's neglectful but that she feels he's indirect and deceitful. I have to grant that her complaints may be legitimate since he has proven himself unassertive and dishonest. I hope she just lets him go and stops obsessing over this stuff.

[vsmini]

It's also worth noting that people with BPD can't listen to their "gut" or instincts because they don't know how. They can't get in touch with that part of them in a realistic way. Their minds are too busy swarming around paranoia and odd theories of what is really happening.

 

Which makes any claims by ES that she "knew this was coming" or "should have listened to myself" null and void.

 

So ES - go with your instincts then. Assume the worst - that he's on vacation, ignoring you, cheating and not caring about you. Even though his actions - if you really look at them - contradict that. Who cares about proof right under your nose! You've got INTUITION!

[threebyfate]

My personal opinion of this guy is that he's very aware of your insecurities and stokes the fire for them, to make himself feel secure. This isn't good for you and neither is the battering given on LS.

[Fondue]

This all beside the point, a distraction from the real issue, which is that Eternal just isn't that into her boyfriend. It really doesn't matter whether he communicates every day with her or not. Her feelings for him aren't going to change because her real problem with him isn't that he's neglectful but that she feels he's indirect and deceitful. I have to grant that her complaints may be legitimate since he has proven himself unassertive and dishonest. I hope she just lets him go and stops obsessing over this stuff.

He has never done anything dishonest or deceitful to her, dude.

 

She's the only that makes things overblown, to make herself look like the victim. She then tries to justify her actions by making a big deal out of nothing. Hell, I think I remember she snooping on him, claiming he was cheating, and then when finding out none of it was true, she spends her time looking up other dude's profiles online because she is interested. On top of that, her guy goes on vacation and she starts to meet some other gentleman and makes a thread wondering if she should go out (and be it

"acceptable") with the guy while her bf is out of the country.

 

You can't be serious in saying she has reason to be concerned. She just enjoys sabotaging herself.

[threebyfate]

He has never done anything dishonest or deceitful to her, dude.

 

She's the only that makes things overblown, to make herself look like the victim. She then tries to justify her actions by making a big deal out of nothing. Hell, I think I remember she snooping on him, claiming he was cheating, and then when finding out none of it was true, she spends her time looking up other dude's profiles online because she is interested. On top of that, her guy goes on vacation and she starts to meet some other gentleman and makes a thread wondering if she should go out (and be it

"acceptable") with the guy while her bf is out of the country.

 

You can't be serious in saying she has reason to be concerned. She just enjoys sabotaging herself.

Yes he has. Read up on her other threads. He`s both outright lied and lied by omission.

[vsmini]

Yes he has. Read up on her other threads. He`s both outright lied and lied by omission.

 

And she has considered going out with another guy, snoops through his stuff and often debates if she should dump him or not.

 

All of which she would FLIP OUT if he did the same to her. So what do you have to say by that 3byfate?

[threebyfate]

And she has considered going out with another guy, snoops through his stuff and often debates if she should dump him or not.

 

All of which she would FLIP OUT if he did the same to her. So what do you have to say by that 3byfate?

I have to say that E_S is one of the most honest posters on LS about her own personal issues. If others were more honest about themselves, perhaps they too would be in relationships.

[Ruby Slippers]

Both ES and her bf have major issues revolving around serious insecurities, narcissism, anxiety, doormat behavior, and on and on.

 

They sound like a wonderfully dysfunctional match to me.

[anne1707]

I have to say that E_S is one of the most honest posters on LS about her own personal issues. If others were more honest about themselves, perhaps they too would be in relationships.

 

You were asked about ES's behaviours, not to criticise those who disagree with you (which is just about everybody except ES on this particular topic)

[Mme. Chaucer]

ES, break up with him and start a relationship with your true soulmate here on LS ... his initials are OG. You are psychic twins, and I think your needs for contact and attention will finally be met.

[threebyfate]

You were asked about ES's behaviours, not to criticise those who disagree with you (which is just about everybody except ES on this particular topic)

Nowhere have I criticised those who disagreed with her. That`s in your imagination.

 

As far as ES and her behaviour, she`s perfectly aware of her own behaviour since she`s the one who`s given everyone insight into herself and has self-admitted to all this. But I have to say that to use her self-admitted behaviour against her, makes LS an unsafe place to post.

 

Overall, I think her decision to dump this guy is a good one. Their relationship dynamic isn`t healthy.

[temporaryvisa]

This woman is bizarre and unhappy for no ****in reason. Stop feeding fuel to the fire by agreeing with her bs.

[anne1707]

Nowhere have I criticised those who disagreed with her. That`s in your imagination.

 

You were asked a question which you chose to ignore. However you made a comment about less than honest posters who were therefore not in relationships. I suspect I am probably not the only one who thinks that could be interpreted as an insult.

 

 

 

As far as ES and her behaviour, she`s perfectly aware of her own behaviour since she`s the one who`s given everyone insight into herself and has self-admitted to all this.

 

This is what is so frustrating abour ES. At times she does recognise where she is going wrong yet she does not change those behaviours. People are getting tired of yet another ES thread where she does not listen/learn

 

 

But I have to say that to use her self-admitted behaviour against her, makes LS an unsafe place to post.

 

100% agree. Her thread this morning where she talked about her bf's comments about actresses as not bothering her yet she came to LS where she was bound to get feedback that would feed her insecurities.

 

 

Overall, I think her decision to dump this guy is a good one. Their relationship dynamic isn`t healthy.

 

Again I agree but probably with a differing viewpoint. I see the bf as weak yet ES's behaviours are way too demanding for any man. She sets standards for contact etc that the man must follow yet she does not (until the last few days it would seem). She does not want the bf to play basketball (?) with an attractive girl, yet she considers going on dates with strangers she meets in bookshops. She snoops through his phone/email/etc.

 

ES needs to be on her own and to genuinely address the problems she has which make her incapable of having a happy and fulfilling relationship. She cannot do this on her own. Professional help is needed and she definitely needs to go 100% NC with LS.