wife flirting at a bar. Need guidance

[tmar8888]

Wow a lot of replies , just got back to checking the thread and all I can say is tjhat I would like to clarify something , she does not go out a lot maybe once every 3 months with her close (married) friends and this happened when our relationship was on the up and down phase. And the flirting with guys apparently is done a a group then they laugh about it . Recently I told her that it hurts my feelings and she told me she will stop . I hope she does .

[Lucky_One]

since flirting is indicating interest or attraction to another, its never harmless

 

Totally disagree with this. One of my favorite flirting partners is an 80 year old man at the ballpark.

 

He is a wonderful flirter. I make him feel younger and courtly; he makes me feel beautiful and that I am a woman to be admired, even if only verbally.

[Entropy3000]

it may be harmless flirting to her and may be fun, but you expressed your feelings to her and she acted like it wasn't a big deal when in fact it is a big ddeal for you. Sit her down again and explain to her how this makes you feel. Your feelings are valid and she is acting like they are not.

 

I get alot of women go out and flirt with guys to get them to buy them free drinks and it sometimes is harmless. I was a bartender/waitress and I flirted alot it brings in the tips but that is all it was. My husband didn't seem to mind because it was my job. I never ever did it when I wasn't working I think it is disrespectful to the spouse. Also if a man asked to buy me a drink I always said please ask my husband and make sure it is ok with him before you do. Good Luck

 

Yes. I agree totally. Flirting aside. I don't think a wife should be accepting a drink form another man without her husbands approval. Never really focused on that as my wife is not a drinker. I had no idea what a blessing that was.

[Entropy3000]

Wow a lot of replies , just got back to checking the thread and all I can say is tjhat I would like to clarify something , she does not go out a lot maybe once every 3 months with her close (married) friends and this happened when our relationship was on the up and down phase. And the flirting with guys apparently is done a a group then they laugh about it . Recently I told her that it hurts my feelings and she told me she will stop . I hope she does .

 

How will you know?

[Lucky_One]

Wow a lot of replies , just got back to checking the thread and all I can say is tjhat I would like to clarify something , she does not go out a lot maybe once every 3 months with her close (married) friends and this happened when our relationship was on the up and down phase. And the flirting with guys apparently is done a a group then they laugh about it . Recently I told her that it hurts my feelings and she told me she will stop . I hope she does .

 

This is good to hear.

 

Personally, I thought that many of the responses on this thread were a bit over the top. If you truly believe that your marriage is good and healthy, and that you two are in love and happy, and if you feel your marriage is strong and your sex life is good, then I can't see that flirting with strangers has jacksh*t to do with her only being turned on by other men or giving you sloppy seconds or whatever else drivel I read.

 

People are complex. I daresay that every person who is in a "normal" sexual relationship as an adult gains some sort of sexual stimulation from a hundred typical experiences throughout their day - whether its pictures, other interactions with people, simply glimpsing an attractive person, reading something provocative. To say that someone being sexually stimulated by an external force other than a spouse is highly simplistic.

 

Glad that she is going to tone down her flirting, and continue to enjoy the fun sex when she comes home!

 

Personal story t/j. I don't care for loud music or clubs, but I do have a group of women who get together about once a month for drinks and laughing and sometimes dirty stories and jokes. Most of the married women get for real tipsy and go home and have sex with their husbands. It doesn't take a stranger buying us a drink to make us want to go home and have sex, guys. It is OUR MAN, who makes us want to have sex. Take some pride and comfort from that.

[Entropy3000]

This is good to hear.

 

Personally, I thought that many of the responses on this thread were a bit over the top. If you truly believe that your marriage is good and healthy, and that you two are in love and happy, and if you feel your marriage is strong and your sex life is good, then I can't see that flirting with strangers has jacksh*t to do with her only being turned on by other men or giving you sloppy seconds or whatever else drivel I read.

 

People are complex. I daresay that every person who is in a "normal" sexual relationship as an adult gains some sort of sexual stimulation from a hundred typical experiences throughout their day - whether its pictures, other interactions with people, simply glimpsing an attractive person, reading something provocative. To say that someone being sexually stimulated by an external force other than a spouse is highly simplistic.

 

Glad that she is going to tone down her flirting, and continue to enjoy the fun sex when she comes home!

 

Personal story t/j. I don't care for loud music or clubs, but I do have a group of women who get together about once a month for drinks and laughing and sometimes dirty stories and jokes. Most of the married women get for real tipsy and go home and have sex with their husbands. It doesn't take a stranger buying us a drink to make us want to go home and have sex, guys. It is OUR MAN, who makes us want to have sex. Take some pride and comfort from that.

 

It just does not work that way in practice. It is single behavior and the key is that the husband did not appreciate this behavior. If the hsuband was ok with it some of us would tell him to beware. But he is not ok with it.

 

If the relationship is strong then don't let it get weak. This type stuff can help make it weak. If the relationship is weak this can be deadly.

 

If you are married, what does your husband think about this? Does he know? If you are not I appreciate your thoughts but consider that maybe your view would change. If your husband wanted you to stop would you? Or would you hide it? Or just tell him to buzz off ....

Edited June 12, 2011 by Entropy3000

[Entropy3000]

Wow a lot of replies , just got back to checking the thread and all I can say is tjhat I would like to clarify something , she does not go out a lot maybe once every 3 months with her close (married) friends and this happened when our relationship was on the up and down phase. And the flirting with guys apparently is done a a group then they laugh about it . Recently I told her that it hurts my feelings and she told me she will stop . I hope she does .

 

Frequency can be an indicator of actually being engaged sexually with other men for sure. That said to me once for this is too much, but that is just me.

 

You point our a huge factor here. She was doing this when your relationship was up and down. I think husbands should key in on that part. This looks to be a symptom of girls behaving badly if you will when they are not satisfied in the marriage. Other men pick up on trouble in paradise and the predators descend.

 

Remember that men buying women drinks is about trying to get them interested and their goal in the pickup is to at some point isolate them from their pack. This can happen in surprising ways. men buy drinks because they are looking to bed women. Maybe they only get her number or her email or facebook. Then the real harmless seduction begins.

[whammy]

Dude

 

It is obvious you have never been married. Your statement is way too naive.

 

I dont see it as being naive. I know what I want and know what I wont take. I will not live a life that isnt exactly how I want it to be... even for 1 second. and a flirting wife is something I wont except. You call it naive, I call it being a man who has standards for his life and the women that come into it. I think you need step up and put your boots on if you think being disrespected by a woman is something a man should let happen to him.

[Feelsgoodman]

Hi I have a problem, my wife recently told me that when her and her girlfriends most married go out to a club , they flirt with guys to get drinks . My wife told me that she enjoys flirting cause its fun . And when I told her to stop cause it hurts me she looked and expressed her dissapointment cause its so much fun. Am I being crazy or is she crossing the line ? Everytime I think about it it bothers me cause she is married to me but she wants to flirt , and after she gets back from the club she is ussually drunk and wants to have sex with me , that bothers me a bit cause I keep thinking that other guys are turning her on at the club and don't know what that can lead to in the future. Am I being too aranoid? Please help . Side note we have 3 kids and are both in love and happilu married I think lol

Why do you let your wife go out to clubs without you?? I can guarantee that flirting and fishing for free drinks is not the only thing she does with guys in clubs.

[vsmini]

I dont see it as being naive. I know what I want and know what I wont take. I will not live a life that isnt exactly how I want it to be... even for 1 second. and a flirting wife is something I wont except. You call it naive, I call it being a man who has standards for his life and the women that come into it. I think you need step up and put your boots on if you think being disrespected by a woman is something a man should let happen to him.

 

Not to be a sh*t stirrer but...living a life that is exactly how you want it for every single second of the day is nearly impossible. I can't tell if you're being optimistic.

Standards = good

expectations = good

micromanaging and no compromising = baaaaaad

 

Did I totally misread what you wrote?

[Bobby2010]

Totally disagree with this. One of my favorite flirting partners is an 80 year old man at the ballpark.

 

He is a wonderful flirter. I make him feel younger and courtly; he makes me feel beautiful and that I am a woman to be admired, even if only verbally.

What the **** is this? Completely different.

 

You're flirting with an old man who you're not going to be with. You're literally having a laugh, there's no butterflies and no potential whore ism.

[Entropy3000]

What the **** is this? Completely different.

 

You're flirting with an old man who you're not going to be with. You're literally having a laugh, there's no butterflies and no potential whore ism.

 

I get a kick out of some of these type of responses. They basically bring up things that just flat have nothing to do with what is being discussed.

 

[NervisPervis]

Just out of curiosity: What did you THINK she was doing at these meat markets until 3AM?

[elleorbianca]

Alternatively, pay for a sitter and insist upon going out as a couple. Healthy, harmless flirting can go on while you each wink at the other across the room.

Well, flirting is fun. I second the above suggestion- unless you are not that great at flirting.

[cheergirl]

if i was married I would be very proud. I would wear my wife on my sleeve so everyone can see. I am weary of any married person that doesnt do this. My stance is, that if my wife/gf wants to act single then I will make her dream come true and let her be single... and ill find a woman that wants to wear me like a badge of honor. A women that is in love with a man has NO other man on her mind and is not interested in them at all. If a women lets other men into her "zone" then her interest in moving away from her husband/marriage.

 

Yes, I have to agree, this is the ideal, his marriage may not be in this place. He has to deal with where he is...

 

This feels a tad harsh. But I can't disagree with any of it. There don't appear to be any decernable boundaries other than it is fun. She does not care anbout his feelings so any love she may have for him as a Beta does not matter. The fact he is displaying weakness means he is not being Alpha enough. Women hate that. She will seek out a more sutiable mate to have sex with. Yes, he should stop her form going. Folks will say he can't. I say he can. At the very least he can not tolerate it.

He needs to man-up but my money ios that he will not. I hope he does. I hate to see any man this weak. It gives the rest of us a bad name.

 

Umm, yeah, in my experience 100% true...

 

He may very well be naive, but he is dead on and he should not accept bad behavior from his wife. He is much better off than going into marriage a weak man. I have been married for a good many years and would not accept this behavior from my wife. That said I think your point is that by the nature of women they will be very vulnerable to thoughts of other men. So yes I agree with you. He should just not trust. He should be aware. Unfortunately most of us are left to make our own mistakes and then realize how naive and foolish we are.

 

 

Wow a lot of replies , just got back to checking the thread and all I can say is tjhat I would like to clarify something , she does not go out a lot maybe once every 3 months with her close (married) friends and this happened when our relationship was on the up and down phase. And the flirting with guys apparently is done a a group then they laugh about it . Recently I told her that it hurts my feelings and she told me she will stop . I hope she does .

 

If that means you two were not doing the "up & down", be very afraid.

 

Totally disagree with this. One of my favorite flirting partners is an 80 year old man at the ballpark.

He is a wonderful flirter. I make him feel younger and courtly; he makes me feel beautiful and that I am a woman to be admired, even if only verbally.

 

Okay, this is different, because you probably do not harbour sexual feelings for this man old enough to be your grandad... He is not a threat to your marriage...

 

This is good to hear.

 

Personally, I thought that many of the responses on this thread were a bit over the top. If you truly believe that your marriage is good and healthy, and that you two are in love and happy, and if you feel your marriage is strong and your sex life is good

It wasn't/isn't

then I can't see that flirting with strangers has jacksh*t to do with her only being turned on by other men or giving you sloppy seconds or whatever else drivel I read.

 

Glad that she is going to tone down her flirting, and continue to enjoy the fun sex when she comes home!

 

If he found drunken sex w/his wife who's been flirting w/other men in a bar all night acceptable, I doubt he'd be here posting about it.

 

Personal story t/j. I don't care for loud music or clubs, but I do have a group of women who get together about once a month for drinks and laughing and sometimes dirty stories and jokes. Most of the married women get for real tipsy and go home and have sex with their husbands. It doesn't take a stranger buying us a drink to make us want to go home and have sex, guys. It is OUR MAN, who makes us want to have sex. Take some pride and comfort from that.

 

This is great, but HIS wife is getting drinks bought for her by flirting w/other men...Hence his apprehension...

 

OP the ABOVE imo are all helpful replies, for your situation I concur strongly w/me the above 2 male posters. Your wife likes attention, fine, but the fact she isn't satisfied with your attention is a big worry!

YOU neeed to fix this situation. I think it IS fixable, but it will require balls of steel...

 

IMO, your wife is acting like a naughty little girl thinking about stealing sweets from the cornershop. If her behaviour goes unchallenged I would bet pretty much all I had that she WILL eventually steal the sweets.

If you accept this behaviour unchallenged you're just giving her the green light.

 

Deep down, on some subconscious level I believe you are being tested by her. Will you stop her, will you say NO? She needs boundaries to be able to respect you. It's up to you, if she refuses to play by rules, then you have a load of other problems to deal with, (life-changing and expensive) which i appreciate you may not be willing to deal with right here and now.

 

People get away with what they are allowed to. That is human nature.

 

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT, AS HER HUSBAND TO EXPECT THIS TO STOP IF YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH IT. Entropy sounds like a very mature experienced man and i think he could help you the most here, Just my 20 cents.

[make me believe]

I don't think a wife should be accepting a drink form another man without her husbands approval.

 

I TOTALLY agree! Men do not buy women drinks "just because" or to be nice. They buy women drinks because they are trying to take things to the next level. A woman accepting a drink from a man indicates that she's willing to see where things might go -- ie: she is not shutting him down immediately like a married woman should. When I go out without my husband (to casual bars, never to "clubs"), I NEVER accept a free drink because doing so sends a signal that I do NOT want to send. I always tell the guy "thanks, but my husband buys my drinks ;)" or just a simple "no thanks, I'm married." In my opinion anything else, unless agreed upon by the couple, is inappropriate.

[Memphis Raines]

Well, flirting is fun.

 

sure it is, if you are the flirter.

 

but not so much for any so-called significant other since flirting is the signaling of attraction to someone else.

 

sorry, if a SO of mine is sending signals to another guy that she wants him, whether she intends to follow through or not, then she can be some other poor saps problem.