So I just realized without a doubt, my ex has BPD.

[diablodude64]

What a revelation... I just broke up with my girlfriend. I should say I wanted a break because things were just getting out of hand. I loved her with all my heart, and still am willing to go back given a good amount of time for her to gather herself and see how she feels but wow, the things you have written describe her exactly. In the beginning we had a perfect relationship and then literally like clockwork, she flipped a switch and became a whole new person and I was the bad guy for even wondering why. She says God has a lot to do with it, but the God I believe in, is no where near as cynical. I don't get it. Her mom and sister are big factors in this, because they invited themselves into our relationship against my will and my girlfriend allowed it. After hearing about some of her past relationships I know I am a good guy, I wouldn't dream of hurting this girl, I couldn't fathom it. I always had her best interest in mind, but when I thought this somehow without fail she managed to turn it all on me as being all about myself.

 

I think these professed Christians need reality to kick them. You mention you were over in Iraq, and let me say, thank you, I myself am in the Air Force. When I told my girlfriends parents I was in the Air Force things changed, it's like they lost respect for me. That's a major diss to you and I, and it disregards all the **** that military men put up with so we can protect the ability of these people to even have these freedoms.

[sinnister]

sinnister I dont understand your thought process.. It wasn't a personal attack in the slightest, and I didn't type this out to hide my own insecurity.. I just found the information that I learned interesting and thought other people would find it interesting as well. If anything your projecting the idea of projection to hide your own form of projection.

 

I'm not insecure about you labeling your ex with BPD. If you insist she has a bad dose of it and that you were a victim of it, I believe you.

 

Personally, my ex did some crummy things to me, but I'm not going to label her as having a mental disorder. If I want to I can call her a B.P.D.G.I.G.S person, but that isn't going to change anything. I accept that we aren't together anymore, and I hope she is really happy because everyone deserves happiness.

 

I mentioned the slavery "mental disorder" because I found it one of the more silly but real examples. If you prefer, I can mention "Stendhal Syndrome" which is "paranoia brought on by exposure to magnificent works of art". Hundreds of mild cases, and thousands unreported.. 106 people touring Florence had to be admitted to hospital for medical attention because of this "mental disease".

Say what u all want to say..and use whatever dodges to your actual attacks you need...CFM and Mack actually bought your intrusions at face value and disappeared cause it got pretty crowded for a simple "shared exp" subject. Anyway, we know the aim was to shut down the debate..whether r not it will actually be said..or my "overreaction" will be the real scapegoat for it. People make bad psych evals..on this thread I've read that no matter how many journals say the same thing about a symptom..no matter how peer-reviewed..whatever...sarcasm and looking like "I'm blaming the ex" makes me look like the biggest loser on earth...when I'm just talking about something that few people have directly dealt with. I don't care..I'm the scapegoat in ithis...it wasn't the people that came with nonsequitors and two cents that added NOTHING to the debate...it was how I handled it..my age..my thought process that I didn't immediately stop and explain that "im not focusing on the ex", "i'm moving on myself", "this is not scientific", "i'm sorry for breathing/using your air in a way you don't approve". Again, i've researched this and at the end of EVERY BPD DX thread..it breaks down the EXACT SAME WAY..someone acting very suspicious/offended on something that didn't involve them..but using all kinds of deflections to put it on the party(ies) participating. I'm sorry for doing so now..call it an overreaction..but how it's started and ended has been way off the scale of open communication. Both Mack and CFM had to literally apologize for going down this avenue and swear they weren't harping on it or their exes.

Edited June 2, 2011 by sinnister

[sinnister]

Ahh sarcasm is cute I guess. We all have big balls on the internet, very easy to speak down to people. This thread was made less than 24 hours ago. BPD didn't cross my mind until then. I've been reading about it nonstop for hours and physically feel sick coming to the realization that I have been pushing myself into such a situation. I posted here on it to basically compare notes with others that have experienced this type of relationship and become more enlightened. I will be speaking with a professional this week, thank you for your advice and belittling. I hope your ego got the boost you were seeking by talking down to me!

 

You just don't understand that they ALL were. We were talking about a shared experience...then they said you were harping on the ex..when every thread in this section was people harping on their exes. You received such few replies on your earlier threads...even as you poured your heart out. Mention BPD..and you have to apologize/answer to EVERYONE...lol...to various degrees. All of them were talking down to you..anyone that didn't add anything to the convo but making you either feel bad for discussing it or making you swear not to dwell on it lest you're a loser was talking down to you.

[sinnister]

I've learned what I need to from this thread. Thank you for those who have provided information and experiences based on BPD with their relationships. Thanks to those who did a quick google/copy paste and basically called me delusional and just looking for something to blame. I don't need approval or confirmation at this point from a 1k+ know-it-all poster on a relationship website.

 

Time to move on and pick up the pieces.

 

Look at how much pressure, belittling, pain, shame was reaped on you in 12 hours by people whose posts/offerings BOTH of us respected immensely before discussing this "sensitive" subject. LOL. Was I really overacting...I just read more and knew how these threads devolve...I swear they have some kind of cabal. I don't get what any of this has to do with anyone..but look at how varied the attacks was and the "we're here for you-let this go if you're a man" to "I read and researched, I was wrong about labor pains" spectrum of abuse you got in less than 12 hours by mostly people u respect..just b/c you were making your healing process less..by knowing what you were dealing with.

 

Think I overreacted or not..but I tried to keep this about the BDP..not the guilttrips and shut it down early. The distractions got to us all early and we spent the rest defending whatever we'd found..that they never did..copy/paste or said the same they'd usually done..to keep us away from where we were at the beginning of the thread. LOL. I'll be the scapegoat for the b/down.

[PelicanPete]

Say what u all want to say..and use whatever dodges to your actual attacks you need...CFM and Mack actually bought your intrusions at face value and disappeared cause it got pretty crowded for a simple "shared exp" subject. Anyway, we know the aim was to shut down the debate..whether r not it will actually be said..or my "overreaction" will be the real scapegoat for it. People make bad psych evals..on this thread I've read that no matter how many journals say the same thing about a symptom..no matter how peer-reviewed..whatever...sarcasm and looking like "I'm blaming the ex" makes me look like the biggest loser on earth...when I'm just talking about something that few people have directly dealt with. I don't care..I'm the scapegoat in ithis...it wasn't the people that came with nonsequitors and two cents that added NOTHING to the debate...it was how I handled it..my age..my thought process that I didn't immediately stop and explain that "im not focusing on the ex", "i'm moving on myself", "this is not scientific", "i'm sorry for breathing/using your air in a way you don't approve". Again, i've researched this and at the end of EVERY BPD DX thread..it breaks down the EXACT SAME WAY..someone acting very suspicious/offended on something that didn't involve them..but using all kinds of deflections to put it on the party(ies) participating. I'm sorry for doing so now..call it an overreaction..but how it's started and ended has been way off the scale of open communication. Both Mack and CFM had to literally apologize for going down this avenue and swear they weren't harping on it or their exes.

 

They don't have to apologize and neither do you. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion of what their relationship consisted of, and no one knows it better than the person who was actually in the relationship.. A lot of people here on LS remember having similar thought patterns through their break up, and learned a lot more about themselves by digging through how they can improve, rather than focusing on their exes behaviour.

 

This is an advice forum, so the suggestions given should be treated as a guide and not a manual. You don't have to follow everything to a point and listen to everyone word for word, because their experience differs from yours. Take what is meaningful to you, and apply it to yourself. The parts that you don't like, you don't have to incorporate. In the end it's all on you to get over your ex or the problems in your life. If you're persuaded by some of the people on LS, if it is helping you move on where is the harm done?

 

Also, please don't make age discriminations, I'm a 20 year old uni student. Age is only a factor if you make it one. It doesn't really matter who's mouth it comes out of, if it's good advice that you can relate to, apply it to yourself and become a better person with it.

[sinnister]

They don't have to apologize and neither do you. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion of what their relationship consisted of, and no one knows it better than the person who was actually in the relationship.. A lot of people here on LS remember having similar thought patterns through their break up, and learned a lot more about themselves by digging through how they can improve, rather than focusing on their exes behaviour.

 

This is an advice forum, so the suggestions given should be treated as a guide and not a manual. You don't have to follow everything to a point and listen to everyone word for word, because their experience differs from yours. Take what is meaningful to you, and apply it to yourself. The parts that you don't like, you don't have to incorporate. In the end it's all on you to get over your ex or the problems in your life. If you're persuaded by some of the people on LS, if it is helping you move on where is the harm done?

 

Also, please don't make age discriminations, I'm a 20 year old uni student. Age is only a factor if you make it one. It doesn't really matter who's mouth it comes out of, if it's good advice that you can relate to, apply it to yourself and become a better person with it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah....did ANYONE apologize for the massive sacasm that ran CFM off after HE DID have to apologize to everyone? No, you got what you wanted...don't piss in my face and tell me it's raining. I know what was done here...if you didnt like it...IGNORE IT. Let it go on thinking we're lovelorn..quacks for whatever...you punished us..and you did no matter how much you now soft sell it-deflect it....because you were actually afraid of what we were talking about. I see many threads here...if it's from a woman..I know I have limited perspective on it...if I see something to add I do..but I usually don't as that involves A WOMAN'S PERSPECTIVE> I just don't go in there a tell the women they're harping on their exes..women's issues r crap or whatever deflection to make me feel included, when my experience make me excluded. I didn't have anything POSITIVE to add, so I ignored it....I left them be to work it out themselves. You find that with EVERY SUBJECT..until you start on a mental disorder...then everyone has some negative "contribution" guilt trip they want to lay on the people that "were brave enough" to go down that road. I didn't think it was really bravery..until today...where many posters I respected...acted like dumbass rednecks all of a sudden...shaming..getting promises that they didn't need..to make it all about them and their advice..when their advice didn't add ONE PIECE OF INFO to the thread...just made sure we knew that by talking about it..we were putting too much on the exes for our happiness...lol. **** that.

[betterdeal]

CFM posted that he was off before we started discussing, in general, PD. If you look, you'll find that myself, PelicanPete and Downtown started that discussion after CFM left. Given that CFM had left, a more general discussion didn't derail his thread; his thread had finished for him.

 

I have no doubt how traumatic your experience may have been. By looking at myself, and how I ended up in a traumatic experience with someone who could be described as having a PD, and having been a good candidate for a PD description myself, I have made a lot more progress in recovering from my own trauma. I am a lot happier, relaxed and confident now than I have ever been, by looking at me, my role in the world, what's mine and by doing so, distinguishing what is not mine.

 

It's just a data point that you can consider, if you wish.

Edited June 2, 2011 by betterdeal

[sinnister]

CFM posted that he was off before we started discussing, in general, PD. If you look, you'll find that myself, PelicanPete and Downtown started that discussion after CFM left. Given that CFM had left, a more general discussion didn't derail his thread; his thread had finished for him.

 

I have no doubt how traumatic your experience may have been. By looking at myself, and how I ended up in a traumatic experience with someone who could be described as having a PD, and having been a good candidate for a PD description myself, I have made a lot more progress in recovering from my own trauma. I am a lot happier, relaxed and confident now than I have ever been, by looking at me, my role in the world, what's mine and by doing so, distinguishing what is not mine.

 

It's just a data point that you can consider, if you wish.

 

Lol.."data point"...at least I'm being belittle for being too intellectual...lol. Anyway..if you thought you had a PD person..why didn't you just add your r/s experience no matter how far along you were now? All of us aren't in the same place...but no...the majority was going against even discussing it openly..so you had to fall in line with them to keep your place in the "pecking order" no matter what you say now. Attack me all u will...lol...but it's so obvious a lot of u consider this place some kind of club...which is pretty pathetic.

 

We will/can all get to the same place in our healing...just at different intervals cause we started so. Discussing how we got to this place does nothing to deter that. In fact, despite being shamed for it CFM may have cut his healing time in half..cause he was taking so much of the blame and shame for something he had little control over.. was he rewarded for having the clarity now...hell no...not by ANYONE. He actually doesn't want the girl back into his life anymore cause he sees the inevitability of the disorder...he was depressed as all getout earlier..if anyone cared to read on his progress/depress. Same with Mack....too bad, again, they had to go through so many reassurances from people blind to the experience to get the experience they needed. but again so many of you make this place about YOUR VALUE..your cred...your place in this...when it's just a damned forum. This can't be the first place you've felt wanted or important..but you've acted like it. Love me or hate me..I'm not going to sugar coat this.

Edited June 2, 2011 by sinnister

[Desensitized]

What a revelation... I just broke up with my girlfriend. I should say I wanted a break because things were just getting out of hand. I loved her with all my heart, and still am willing to go back given a good amount of time for her to gather herself and see how she feels but wow, the things you have written describe her exactly. In the beginning we had a perfect relationship and then literally like clockwork, she flipped a switch and became a whole new person and I was the bad guy for even wondering why. She says God has a lot to do with it, but the God I believe in, is no where near as cynical. I don't get it. Her mom and sister are big factors in this, because they invited themselves into our relationship against my will and my girlfriend allowed it. After hearing about some of her past relationships I know I am a good guy, I wouldn't dream of hurting this girl, I couldn't fathom it. I always had her best interest in mind, but when I thought this somehow without fail she managed to turn it all on me as being all about myself.

 

I think these professed Christians need reality to kick them. You mention you were over in Iraq, and let me say, thank you, I myself am in the Air Force. When I told my girlfriends parents I was in the Air Force things changed, it's like they lost respect for me. That's a major diss to you and I, and it disregards all the **** that military men put up with so we can protect the ability of these people to even have these freedoms.

 

That is so weird... my ex-fiancee (who had BPD) also frowned upon people that were in any of the armed forces - coincidence? She also frowned upon people that played sports (me being a basketball fan, I was sorta turned off by this) her mother was the same way. I remember mentioning I liked basketball once at their dinner table, and both my current fiancee and mom said, "oh, that's a shame. you were nearly perfect until you told us that." I've heard that BPD is genetic, so I could see who she gets it from. Her mom hasn't been diagnosed with BPD, but she exhibits a lot of the symptoms now that I think about it.

 

So many crazies in the world... hahahaha

[sinnister]

That is so weird... my ex-fiancee (who had BPD) also frowned upon people that were in any of the armed forces - coincidence? She also frowned upon people that played sports (me being a basketball fan, I was sorta turned off by this) her mother was the same way. I remember mentioning I liked basketball once at their dinner table, and both my current fiancee and mom said, "oh, that's a shame. you were nearly perfect until you told us that." I've heard that BPD is genetic, so I could see who she gets it from. Her mom hasn't been diagnosed with BPD, but she exhibits a lot of the symptoms now that I think about it.

 

So many crazies in the world... hahahaha

They probably had bad experiences from people that had similar tastes/attributes. Mine had one bad exp with a body builder..thus excluded them all from her dating profile...it looked funny at first lol. PD's suffer from black/white thinking. There's little gray..it's either all good/all bad until they find one that slowly changes their perspective..and even then, it could be an act to get their narcissistic fuel. See, this is the kind of contributions I'd initially expected and the dialogue..lol. Thanks DS.

[diablodude64]

Yes it's pretty weird. Her mom seems like the one with all the control in the family. The dad is a nice guy who if you want my opinion, stays because he has kids with her. It's weird however, considering her mom's dad was a Navy Seal. Talk about disrespect. What ever happened to loyalty? I wasted almost 2 years trying to make this girl feel like diamonds, guess that wasn't enough. More then anything I feel so pissed about this...

[sinnister]

And people talk about LABELS...from my own EXP...people (who seem to have BPD) LABEL EVERYBODY. There's no cemented loyalties...if a type can do this..all types do it and any interaction with that type to them..brings the same outcome. And they're respected/protected from scrutiny/help like endangered species by people that could care less about the damage they can cause when you're "split black". All talk, no life exp or prior research.

[sinnister]

Yes it's pretty weird. Her mom seems like the one with all the control in the family. The dad is a nice guy who if you want my opinion, stays because he has kids with her. It's weird however, considering her mom's dad was a Navy Seal. Talk about disrespect. What ever happened to loyalty? I wasted almost 2 years trying to make this girl feel like diamonds, guess that wasn't enough. More then anything I feel so pissed about this...

 

Same with ex's mom. She goes out of her way to pit the children against the father. He tries to take her on vacation with her...she complains about the type. He goes by himself....he's now the most selfish man on the planet..and it's all good when he includes her BEFORE the reality of the situation happens...then any little setback has to be his fault. My ex said out of nowhere that even as we've seen and DX'd this failure to communicate as nothing short of insanity..that we'd end up being the same couple. No grey..unless you could the haze over their hearts/logic.

[Desensitized]

Yes it's pretty weird. Her mom seems like the one with all the control in the family. The dad is a nice guy who if you want my opinion, stays because he has kids with her. It's weird however, considering her mom's dad was a Navy Seal. Talk about disrespect. What ever happened to loyalty? I wasted almost 2 years trying to make this girl feel like diamonds, guess that wasn't enough. More then anything I feel so pissed about this...

 

Did we by chance date the same woman? haha, kidding! But no really, my ex-fiancee's mom also had all the control in the family. The dad was very nice and seemed like he had little say in whatever he wanted to do. Like you said, I honestly think the dad stays with the mom because they have kids.

 

Just try not to think of the time you two spent together as a waste of time - think of it as a learning experience. Like you, I was also pissed when I had to cancel my engagement because I spent a lot of time with her and so many memories were forged, but I simply couldn't stay in that volatile relationship. I always felt like the bad guy in the relationship, but I know I wasn't. Like most BPDers, they make themselves out to be the victim and manipulate you into thinking that you truly are the "bad" guy.

[sinnister]

She's only with him b/c he's the breadwinner and TERRIBLY resents that role as asking for allowance...my ex hates her dad when the mom causes the most direct pain to her.

[Desensitized]

And people talk about LABELS...from my own EXP...people (who seem to have BPD) LABEL EVERYBODY. There's no cemented loyalties...if a type can do this..all types do it and any interaction with that type to them..brings the same outcome. And they're respected/protected from scrutiny/help like endangered species by people that could care less about the damage they can cause when you're "split black". All talk, no life exp or prior research.

 

That is so true. My BPDer ex-fiancee labeled literally everyone.

[sinnister]

That is so true. My BPDer ex-fiancee labeled literally everyone.

 

Even friends right? If they missed a date...didn't talk to them enough..wasn't exciting enough when they hung out...she could bring up a million things in her history as to why she wasn't really that much of a friend to her. I mean this is the "sacred cow" friends too...I was the best friend now...until she found another guy under a very trivial argument session.

[CFM]

I've spent a good portion of my day continuing my research on BPD and also looked into codependency. It's obvious that through the duration of our relationship I became extremely codependent. My issues root back to childhood when I was around the age of 14 when I almost heard on a daily basis from my depressed/suicidal mother that she wanted to take me and my brother and drive off a bridge. I remember breaking down into tears begging her to stop feeling this way. Our relationship became one where I just took care of her and tried to help her. I had issues with my father not being in my life during the time and later realized we never really had a relationship after that point. I always looked for his approval, but never really felt it. I have delusions of having a good childhood with a good, healthy family.. but based on the little snippet that I just shared, clearly that's not the case. I kind of morphed into this young man with social anxiety, questionable self worth that really became a people pleaser.

 

In some situations being a people pleaser isn't so bad, but when it manifests in a situation such as being in a relationship with someone with "BPD symptoms" (don't feel like hear anymore of you jackasses comment about labels) it can become a huge issue. She filled the gap that I had from my issues and it just felt so right. It felt amazing. And, being a young vulnerable man I ate it up. She controlled me in her ways, I controlled her in mine. We were perfectly dysfunctional together. I remember buying her gifts and being more excited about her receiving them than I would be about receiving a gift myself. I felt a natural high when I made her happy.. and for a long time that's all I did, make her so happy. She was obsessed with me, I was her knight in shining armor and the man to fix everything. Obviously this didn't last, but when it was gone it was ALL I wanted back. So much so that I continued to be in a broken relationship year after year looking to return to that place so that I could feel whole again.

 

That time never came, not for long anyway. Her issues worsened and obviously I became the worst person ever. I was compared to her abusive and insanely messed up father when we literally have zero similarities. She would sabotage my relationships with my family or anyone else because SHE wanted to be my life, completely. The more she started to hate me, the harder I tried to make her happy and "fix us". I spent over a thousand dollars on phone cards during my deployments talking to her, yet even now she'll say that I never talked to her and was never there for her when she needed me. I'd talk to her for over an hour every night, but she'd be mad that it wasn't ten minutes longer. She doesn't remember any of that though, doesn't remember needing and wanting me.. but she sure as hell remembers when I went needy on her. Whenever she'd pull away is when my codependency would become glaringly obvious. I would literally have a panic attack and act irrationally to fix it; I'd order her flowers or spend a few hundred dollars on gifts.. for no reason other than to get her focus back on me. Part of me would hate that she was always in my business, the other part felt relieved that I was so needed.

 

Again, I don't really give a **** about most of those attempting to belittle me or what I feel to be true in this situation. You haven't walked in my shoes and don't know me. I use this forum to find information and support during times like these;which is what I believe most people do here. It is beyond easy to reply with generic crap about this or that, what takes effort is when you pour your heart into words.

 

So, I'm going through probably one of the hardest kinds of breakups possible at a horrible time in my life. At least I know why it's so hard.. I crave her and her attention to the core. It's not a simple long term breakup with a girl I loved.. it's breaking and tearing who I am and what I value and crave most in the world right now.

[sinnister]

I mean, this is SPOT ON...especially 14 and 15.

 

http://allnurses.com/psychiatric-nursing/borderline-personality-disorder-410694.html

[sinnister]

Cept I didn't b/c so much of a people pleaser as more introspective as a lone wolf (as they couldn't be pleased..the more I was able to do..the more suspicious people seemed about what I was capable of doing..and would tell me this to stunt my immersion into them and otherwise..but I can agree that with that kind of childhood trauma..there is a part of u that wants to be filled with acceptance somewhere)....

 

I just don't know a r/s that isn't about two people needing each other. People say that BPD's somehow pick up on it..but it's blaming the victim. True, when the r/s becomes unbalanced by that person, it is the other's fault from letting it get there..but most see the later effects...it is a subtle evolution to lowering/decreasing boundaries, b/c there is no r/s like this one. You literally feel you can trust this person with everything..b/c they did you (at least to the very painful stuff they could offload on to your plate to ensure you cheating on them would be the most scummy thing on earth). Until you've had that dynamic...I'm telling you..can't begin to id how bad a b/u happens. You're literally losing your best friend and someone who called you that...and find they don't give a **** and will destroy u in every way possible to negate normal grieving both parties have from that loss.

[EgoJoe]

This thread go derailed. Lets agree to disagree...

 

I highly respect the opinions of everyone who posted.

[sinnister]

Looks like we misDX'd the symptoms...we actually had a HIGHER standard lol..than the official.

 

[sinnister]

This thread go derailed. Lets agree to disagree...

 

I highly respect the opinions of everyone who posted.

 

I don't and wont again...they wanted to send me a message and I got it. Let them have their club..I'll just chill in my space till I get banned lol.

 

It would've been an argument if there was info to argue about..all I saw here today was a shaming exercise masquerading as help by a bunch of self-important posers. Not one shred of info, advice, that isn't said everywhere they go. Some I did genuinely respect b/f today (so tempted to just groupie their advice at every post they made)..but it's obvious they don't me or my contributions..so no playin nice after the fact.

 

And all of it was meant to shutdown the debate..which I why I was so offended..by making this seem like a loser exercise...that's what I don't get r can forgive in this case. These r genuinely intelligent people acting like this. All you can surmise is a lot felt they had some rep to protect...there was little substance and made me the scapegoat for calling bull**** or just be indifferent to what is being discussed. We're going to research anyway...with their blessings or not lol. Make it easier for us to get past it...not harder.

Edited June 3, 2011 by sinnister

[Desensitized]

Looks like we misDX'd the symptoms...we actually had a HIGHER standard lol..than the official.

 

 

accurate and funny

[Downtown]

CFM, like you, I was taught in childhood to be a codependent caregiver. Because my dad was alcoholic, my mother often leaned on me to meet her needs -- turning me into the "little man" of the household. In that way, you and I grew up too quickly. Moreover, I suspect that -- if you think about it -- you will remember meeting some of your mother's needs well before the age of 14.

I was her knight in shining armor and the man to fix everything.... Her issues worsened and obviously I became the worst person ever.

Interestingly, CFM, you were about as valuable to her as a "perpetrator" as you were as the "savior." Either way, you validated her illusion of always being "a victim." That false image is so important to her because it is the closest thing to a lasting self image she has -- so she holds onto it desperately. Hence, during the honeymoon period, your being the "savior" was proof -- in her mind -- that she was the victim being saved. Of course, she did not really want to be saved. This is why, within two weeks of your saving her from the raging seas, she would turn around and jump back into the water. What she really wanted was the drama of being saved over and over again. The drama was validating her role as victim.

 

Of course, your role as "savior" was short lived because it was possible only as long as you did not trigger her two great fears: engulfment and abandonment. As long as her infatuation persisted, she regarded you as the perfect man and thus her two fears were held at bay. Yet, because infatuation can only last up to about six months, the two fears would soon return -- at which point you were triggering her fears left and right, which is why your main role became that of "perpetrator."

She doesn't remember any of that though, doesn't remember needing and wanting me..

To a BPDer, her intense feelings in the present constitute her reality and "facts." Those feelings are so intense that she believes they must be true. Unlike the rest of us, BPDers never learned how to intellectually challenge those feelings instead of accepting them as truths. This is why, no matter how large the sacrifices you made for her, you never were able to build up a store of good will -- of appreciation -- you could draw on during the bad times. Nearly every day there is a strong emotional tide sweeping through her mind. It washes away the good feelings she once had about your gifts and sacrifices. Hence, trying to build up a store of good will is no more productive than building a sand castle beside the sea.

but she sure as hell remembers when I went needy on her.

Yes, a BPDer will remember any infraction you do forever so she can bring it up -- over and over again -- when trying to control you.

I'm going through probably one of the hardest kinds of breakups possible at a horrible time in my life.... it's breaking and tearing who I am and what I value and crave most in the world right now.

Yes, to us caregivers, the notion of walking away from a sick loved one is anathema. It goes against our family values, our morality, our religion -- indeed, against every fiber of our being. That is the source of the terrible guilt and sense of obligation we feel. On top of that, we feel like utter failures because our self image is heavily founded on helping other people. This is why it is so important for us to learn about BPD traits.

 

Once we understand that it is impossible for us to fix our BPDer loved ones, we can see that our own behavior was dysfunctional -- otherwise we would not have spent years trying to do the impossible. And this is why, if you want to show a codependent man he is codependent, the easiest approach is to first show him that he has been trying to save and fix a BPDer partner -- an impossible task -- for years. Until he understands that, he likely will never believe he is "codependent" because he is convinced he is only trying to help.