feeling uselessly angry

[Arrangrl]

I agree with you myname- his marriage to make or break.

[fooled once]

I wasn't prepared at all for the conversation, maybe if I had been it would have been different. I also felt ashamed and so didn't feel it was my place to ask anything even though I'd had an over two year 'relationship' with him where he had made out to me it was a proper relationship.

 

It was like I felt that what I'd had was such a total lie that I should just back off and answer anything she asked honestly but not create any more trouble than was already there.

 

I don't know, it was so obvious that he'd not told her many of the things he had told me he had told her but I was feeling like such a piece of rubbish that I just left it.

 

I suppose given the chance I'd like to have the conversation again, because I was on the back foot, and so I didn't tell her all she probably needs to know.

 

Something you said that I have wondered about but want to ask you...and I don't mean this snarky or anything.

 

You say you were ashamed when you spoke to her.

 

Why weren't you feeling that way during the affair? Why did you only feel this after she contacted you?

 

I hear so many say that they are ashamed and humiliated when contacted by the spouse and I just don't understand why it is that THAT is the time you feel that way?

 

Did you not feel bad for her during the affair?

 

Don't get me wrong; I do get that you bought into all the lies and crap he spewed. And yes, he was the married one; but you also knew he was married when you were involved with him.

 

I get why you didn't tell her ALL the details; because I truly believe that YOU did want to spare her any more hurt (and I commend you for that because there are plenty of others who like to hurt the spouse after they are dumped or run over by the MM).

 

I am very sorry you are hurting. I think many of us could have told you that he would pin the affair on you - that you chased him, that you stalked him, that he tried to be your friend but you threw yourself at him. It is classic 101 MM gets busted.

 

I hope you get rid of all the reminders/emails/texts/pictures of the affair. I hope you can begin to get through all this. Give yourself time to grieve and to realize that you were played and that is on him. You gave of yourself and unfortunately most MM are the most selfish egotistical jerks on the planet.

 

Good luck to you and I hope you don't beat yourself up too bad. Unfortunately, MM are good at manipulating.

[John Michael Kane]

He said those things before the sex if you read my reply.

 

Doesn't really matter at the end of the day.

 

And he wrecked his marriage, I didn't force him to do a thing.

 

He didn't force you to do a thing either, nor did he commit to you when he got into an affair with you. Both of you are equally responsible for this disaster.

 

It is the responsibility of those in the marriage to make it work or to destroy it. In fact I suggested many times that he should/could put the effort in to get the feelings back within his marriage rather than being with me, he didn't want to.

 

Yet you kept it going right along with him. I can imagine some OM/OW will tell their MM/MW to go back to their BS in the "heat of the moment."

[Spark1111]

I didn't mean to protect him, that wasn't my goal, but that was what came about because I didn't want to hurt her by telling her the things he'd promised me or the nasty things he'd said about her.

 

I understand. But by the time I called her, I knew most of it. She didn't need to spare me any additional pain. That was NOT her job. That was his, and in having the affair, he had failed miserably in that regard.

 

His actions broke my heart. There was nothing she could have told me I did not already know or surmise.

 

It was NOT her job to spare me additional pain. It was his.

 

There was nothing she could have said to me that I didn't already suspect. In fact, protecting him from me actually hurt me more. I thought less of her.

 

Why?

 

I wanted someone, anyone, to confirm and validate what I already suspected.

 

It was not him. He was too busy trying to save his azz and I knew that immediately.

 

Her trying to protect him or me from additional pain in telling the truth? It just felt like more bs....

 

It might have been done with sincere intent, but it came across as two people trying to save their own behinds; of not OWNING their actions.

 

In all honesty, I respected her a whole lot less, as if she was too weak or too manipulated to actually tell me the unmitigated truth.

 

It made her weak in my eyes. I wasn't yelling or beating her up or trying to exact revenge.

 

I thought. 'You had almost a two year affair with my H, he threw you under the bus, which I thought was despicable (yes, I told him so) and you do not OWN your actions?'

 

If you had told me the truth: I fell in love with him, he led me to believe we had a future, he told me he had one foot out the door with you, I loved him.....Woman to woman, I would have RESPECTED you so much more.

[Spark1111]

I wasn't prepared at all for the conversation, maybe if I had been it would have been different. I also felt ashamed and so didn't feel it was my place to ask anything even though I'd had an over two year 'relationship' with him where he had made out to me it was a proper relationship.

 

It was like I felt that what I'd had was such a total lie that I should just back off and answer anything she asked honestly but not create any more trouble than was already there.

 

I don't know, it was so obvious that he'd not told her many of the things he had told me he had told her but I was feeling like such a piece of rubbish that I just left it.

 

I suppose given the chance I'd like to have the conversation again, because I was on the back foot, and so I didn't tell her all she probably needs to know.

 

So....tell her now. Write an email, send a registered letter, tell her what you think she needs to know.

 

What is stopping you?

 

Be kind.

 

But do it. At the end of your life, why have this regret?

 

You cannot attach any importance to the outcome. She may ignore you, demean you, ignore you, discredit you. You cannot control the outcome.

 

But apologize, and tell the truth. Kindly as possible, but not whitewashed.

 

You will feel better.

[myname]

I understand. But by the time I called her, I knew most of it. She didn't need to spare me any additional pain. That was NOT her job. That was his, and in having the affair, he had failed miserably in that regard.

 

His actions broke my heart. There was nothing she could have told me I did not already know or surmise.

 

It was NOT her job to spare me additional pain. It was his.

 

There was nothing she could have said to me that I didn't already suspect. In fact, protecting him from me actually hurt me more. I thought less of her.

 

Why?

 

I wanted someone, anyone, to confirm and validate what I already suspected.

 

It was not him. He was too busy trying to save his azz and I knew that immediately.

 

Her trying to protect him or me from additional pain in telling the truth? It just felt like more bs....

 

It might have been done with sincere intent, but it came across as two people trying to save their own behinds; of not OWNING their actions.

 

In all honesty, I respected her a whole lot less, as if she was too weak or too manipulated to actually tell me the unmitigated truth.

 

It made her weak in my eyes. I wasn't yelling or beating her up or trying to exact revenge.

 

I thought. 'You had almost a two year affair with my H, he threw you under the bus, which I thought was despicable (yes, I told him so) and you do not OWN your actions?'

 

If you had told me the truth: I fell in love with him, he led me to believe we had a future, he told me he had one foot out the door with you, I loved him.....Woman to woman, I would have RESPECTED you so much more.

 

I did tell her my truth, that I was in love with him, that I had believed his marriage was over, I just didn't tell her any of the things he had said to me to make me believe that because what he had said seemed like it must have been so many lies that there was no point to repeating them to her.

[myname]

So....tell her now. Write an email, send a registered letter, tell her what you think she needs to know.

 

What is stopping you?

 

Be kind.

 

But do it. At the end of your life, why have this regret?

 

You cannot attach any importance to the outcome. She may ignore you, demean you, ignore you, discredit you. You cannot control the outcome.

 

But apologize, and tell the truth. Kindly as possible, but not whitewashed.

 

You will feel better.

 

Maybe I will do this, maybe it is best for me to let it all go now. I was accused of chasing and I wouldn't want to validate that accusation in anyway now by being the one to get in touch with either of them.

[myname]

Something you said that I have wondered about but want to ask you...and I don't mean this snarky or anything.

 

You say you were ashamed when you spoke to her.

 

Why weren't you feeling that way during the affair? Why did you only feel this after she contacted you?

 

I hear so many say that they are ashamed and humiliated when contacted by the spouse and I just don't understand why it is that THAT is the time you feel that way?

 

Did you not feel bad for her during the affair?

 

Don't get me wrong; I do get that you bought into all the lies and crap he spewed. And yes, he was the married one; but you also knew he was married when you were involved with him.

 

I get why you didn't tell her ALL the details; because I truly believe that YOU did want to spare her any more hurt (and I commend you for that because there are plenty of others who like to hurt the spouse after they are dumped or run over by the MM).

 

I am very sorry you are hurting. I think many of us could have told you that he would pin the affair on you - that you chased him, that you stalked him, that he tried to be your friend but you threw yourself at him. It is classic 101 MM gets busted.

 

I hope you get rid of all the reminders/emails/texts/pictures of the affair. I hope you can begin to get through all this. Give yourself time to grieve and to realize that you were played and that is on him. You gave of yourself and unfortunately most MM are the most selfish egotistical jerks on the planet.

 

Good luck to you and I hope you don't beat yourself up too bad. Unfortunately, MM are good at manipulating.

 

I was ashamed when I spoke to her because it became obvious all the lies he had told about her, before that I had believed what he said because I had nothing to judge it against. He made out she was emotionally and verbally abusive to him and I bought it.

[myname]

Doesn't really matter at the end of the day.

 

 

 

He didn't force you to do a thing either, nor did he commit to you when he got into an affair with you. Both of you are equally responsible for this disaster.

 

 

 

Yet you kept it going right along with him. I can imagine some OM/OW will tell their MM/MW to go back to their BS in the "heat of the moment."

 

I didn't say he forced me to do anything, I told the truth about my part in it.

[myname]

What a bespeckled mess. Have you heard anymore from his wife?

 

No, I've not heard anymore from her, but I've had a couple of emails from him that made me feel even angrier, as he came across as justifying himself, rewriting history, still contacting me after he'd told her I was practically his stalker and complaining that he was the only to suffer any consequences from the affair. Grrr. It's taken a lot for me not to respond back with extreme anger.

[Snowflower]

No, I've not heard anymore from her, but I've had a couple of emails from him that made me feel even angrier, as he came across as justifying himself, rewriting history, still contacting me after he'd told her I was practically his stalker and complaining that he was the only to suffer any consequences from the affair. Grrr. It's taken a lot for me not to respond back with extreme anger.

 

Have you considered forwarding those emails to his wife? It would certainly paint him in a different light and show her that you were not the stalker since he is the one still trying to keep in contact.

[myname]

Have you considered forwarding those emails to his wife? It would certainly paint him in a different light and show her that you were not the stalker since he is the one still trying to keep in contact.

 

I did think about it, but I don't have her email address, I did think about printing it off and sending it to her in the post, but I am really reluctant to do anything that can come across as at all stalkerish at the moment. It actually quite hurt me that it was suggested that I had 'forced' him to see me and I did go through a stage of wondering if I had at all given him that impression.

 

Anyway he hasn't contacted at all since Thursday so at the moment I'm just trying to get over this all the best I can, which so far isn't brillaint.

[Bruisedbuthealing]

I think you are strong and did the right thing.

 

There are always extenuating circumstances that make the A seem unlike the textbook example - there is always some story that is so believable that you truly think your relationship is different.

 

Anyway, if you are like me, you are hoping in the back of your mind that the MM will clean up his mess and come get you back. That you are so special that he will work to make things right.

 

It is hard to come to terms that the relationship wasn't and won't ever be right. Even if he did get divorced, could you trust him again? Don't you deserve better?

 

Good for you for standing up for yourself and doing the right thing!

We are treated only as well as we expect to be. We cannot fall in love with uncertain potential. You have to take the relationship and the person as they are.

 

Be strong. You deserve better. There is a good, SINGLE man out there for you. You just need to get over this, get yourself centered again, then you will be open to meeting him.

 

This will pass. You are on the right track!

[myname]

I think you are strong and did the right thing.

 

There are always extenuating circumstances that make the A seem unlike the textbook example - there is always some story that is so believable that you truly think your relationship is different.

 

Anyway, if you are like me, you are hoping in the back of your mind that the MM will clean up his mess and come get you back. That you are so special that he will work to make things right.

 

It is hard to come to terms that the relationship wasn't and won't ever be right. Even if he did get divorced, could you trust him again? Don't you deserve better?

 

Good for you for standing up for yourself and doing the right thing!

We are treated only as well as we expect to be. We cannot fall in love with uncertain potential. You have to take the relationship and the person as they are.

 

Be strong. You deserve better. There is a good, SINGLE man out there for you. You just need to get over this, get yourself centered again, then you will be open to meeting him.

 

This will pass. You are on the right track!

 

Thanks, I'm not sure I have been all that strong in doing the right thing though, I was finally forced into going NC after speaking to his wife, after not managing it for well over six months previously. Wish I'd been able to do it myself much earlier, and without feeling like she was the one who made it happen.

 

And yeah, there is some vain hope inside me, but I've got to squash that cos he's shown me over and over what he'll continue doing, and I can't let myself go through any of it ever again. And anyway I've got to remember how much he has hurt me over the years, and how much I cannot ever trust him or believe a word he said.

Edited May 16, 2011 by myname

[donnamaybe]

It's difficult, isn't it, when we find out someone has completely abused our trust and used it against us? Kind of chips away at your soul.

 

OP, you've handled yourself as admirably as can be expected under these circumstances. I hope your anger will dissipate soon so you can fully enjoy our life once again. It doesn't help that he's continued to email his pathetic excuses and justification. What a DB!

[myname]

It's difficult, isn't it, when we find out someone has completely abused our trust and used it against us? Kind of chips away at your soul.

 

OP, you've handled yourself as admirably as can be expected under these circumstances. I hope your anger will dissipate soon so you can fully enjoy our life once again. It doesn't help that he's continued to email his pathetic excuses and justification. What a DB!

 

Thanks Donna

 

I'm doing my best, in some ways I think it doesn't matter so much at this stage if I do feel madly angry, or madly upset and heartbroken, which I do feel, cos the main thing is not to contact him. If I can manage that after all the times I couldn't in the past then I've got to think I'm doing well.

 

And hopefully my doing well will turn into something better than it is at the moment at some point...

[donnamaybe]

And hopefully my doing well will turn into something better than it is at the moment at some point...

You bet it will! Just keep your eyes on the prize!!!

[Silly_Girl]

Myname, I think you're right. Move on. Don't become more embroiled. The wife's trust has been broken now, it's up to her what she does with that fact.

 

To contact her would make you look more like a stalker, and give her more reason to believe him that you are.

 

Plus, if you're telling her simply to ease your conscience (NOT saying you are) then that's not fair either.

 

If she calls and asks more, give it to her. If not I think it best to let her get on with her life as she sees fit.

 

Not surprised you're angry! It's probably quite healthy for you right now.

[jj33]

Myname sorry you are going through this. Dont contact her. Let them work it out. You dont need to continue with the relationship with either of them, you need to look after yourself and find the best way to put this behind you.

 

Let the anger work for you. Let it fuel your path forward. It will dissipate in time.

 

And be prepared, if he is writing these emails he may try to worm his way back in at some point when the dust has settled and you want to remember how upset you are now so that you are not swayed by whatever he may say in the future. Not that you are weak or foolish but its very common and most people fall for that at least once.

 

Take care

[donnamaybe]

Myname, I think you're right. Move on. Don't become more embroiled. The wife's trust has been broken now, it's up to her what she does with that fact.

I agree. She knows she's got a cheater on her hands. If she wants details, she'll ask you. Your focus now should be on you OP.

[Heather1]

In her heart, she knows. It's probably best if you just try to move on. Your silence will give her all the info she needs & just be lucky you can make a break & she can't.

 

I never had a Dday, but I've seen Ddays w/ my parents growing up & my Mom had to deal w/ us as kids & OW filing paternity suits, etc.. In the end, my Dad was no prize just a Narcissistic dirt bag.

[myname]

Thanks Guys

 

Middle of last week I was thinking that actually I was lucky to be free of it all, then I got caught up in feeling bad about it again.

 

Thanks for reminding me that I'm better out of it. Hard and painful lesson it's been, but now's my chance to heal and get better.

[Emme]

Argh, I'm feeling so angry now.

 

Having spoken to his wife, having found out that he put all the blame on me, said I was chasing him, when the truth was all the times I tried to finish it he pulled me back in with his chasing. All the lies he told me and her are making me so cross.

 

When she phoned I was pretty taken aback, I felt so bad for her, and so ashamed at my part in it, that I didn't go into any of the things that could've hurt her, I didn't want to hurt her, but I am mad that because of that I ended up somehow protecting him. The things I could've told her about what he'd said, what he'd done, the proof I have in his emails and texts and cards that totally shows the lies both ways.

 

Just needing to rant, I am so angry that he used me, lied to me and then blamed it all on me, and even then his last email to me was moaning on about how he was the only one who's having to deal with the consequences of what he's done.

 

I want to tell him what a spineless cowardly lying scumbag he is, but I won't contact him so I can't. In the end he allowed his wife to do his dirty work of getting rid of me from their life when all he ever had to do was be honest with me. I wouldn't have forced myself on him.

 

I'm sorry that you're feeling the hurt and pain from someone I'm sure you loved. In the end we all have to look at what reality has handed us and sometimes this is for the best. When things come to light you can choose to learn from it or continue down a destructive path that will hurt even more later in life.

 

It's the norm I guess to feel anger. To not feel valued as you once were by someone you cared for deeply. I say be angry and when the pain subsides you'll let go and remember the best of times. I can honestly tell you if you shared a relationship with someone you genuinely loved don't have regrets. Just know for that time they meant something to you. Now you've moved on in life and they are no longer a part of life.

 

Enjoy your day and don't forget to smile and be happy.

[myname]

Thanks everyone for the support, kind thoughts and best wishes.

 

I might need even more support now to keep staying strong, he's just texted me, asking if I'm never going to speak to him again or whether it's just too soon. I'm not sure if I'm tempted to respond or not, feelings are all over the place, but it is playing on my mind and I'm having to remind myself that it doesn't mean anything, that he doesn't need me, that nothing's changed, that it's not a declaration of undying love and I'm still better off out of this.

 

A silly part of me is pleased he's obviously thinking of me still, and I need to not let that grow within me cos if I do it'll just lead to further disappointment. Got to remember that I spent most of the weekend in tears.

[Silly_Girl]

Thanks everyone for the support, kind thoughts and best wishes.

 

I might need even more support now to keep staying strong, he's just texted me, asking if I'm never going to speak to him again or whether it's just too soon. I'm not sure if I'm tempted to respond or not, feelings are all over the place, but it is playing on my mind and I'm having to remind myself that it doesn't mean anything, that he doesn't need me, that nothing's changed, that it's not a declaration of undying love and I'm still better off out of this.

 

A silly part of me is pleased he's obviously thinking of me still, and I need to not let that grow within me cos if I do it'll just lead to further disappointment. Got to remember that I spent most of the weekend in tears.

 

Please don't. Don't. I think you're not able to think clearly. And you'd be piling anxiety and upset on to anxiety and upset.

 

I'm not saying NEVER contact him. I'm suggesting you leave everything, where he's concerned, a good 24-48 hours to really sleep on it. Be true to YOURSELF, not the drama.