She lied about her age..

[little.skittles]

Is there really that big of a difference. Perhaps it's just me but I don't really see that big of a gap. Do you want to throw away what you two have over the age difference. She obviously must of wanted in if she so much as lied to you about her age. If your not ready to have kids and won't be for awhile then let her know that and let her decide from there. If it's worth it to stay with you then she will and if having kids now is what she wants then she is going to have find somebody else and date them for a few years before they want any kids as well. Chances are that you will have a kid when you least expect it. Not trying to scare you or anything but that's usually the way it happens.

[alexlakeman]

i don't think that is a big deal at all. woman lie about their age and weight all the time. !!

 

Of course..since it's the woman lieing it's ok.. forget it if it was the guy lieing..

[chuckles11]

Glad to see you see you are giving her the benefit of the doubt and hope the relationship continous being great otherwise.

 

I can relate to her reasons, as the same situation has occurred to me, except I was the one that made out I was younger (I look a lot younger) when we were just friends and did'nt expect to end up in a relationship with her, and then procrastinated over telling her, suspecting it was not going to be a LTR as the weeks passed, and as it turned out ended up breaking up before I had to. I had to be careful what documents I left lying around.

 

A baby faced friend of mime did something similar while hanging out with a group that was much younger and didn't want to be the old man so backed his age down 11-12 yrs and surprisingly got together with one of the 21 yr olds who pursued him. He managed to have a casual relationship with her for over a year and the relationship was a little clandenstine as a result of him not wanting her to meet too many family/friends who were not in on it. He ended it when she wanted to move in together. He recalled her making a comment about how gross it would be to have sex with a 40yr old guy because that was too close to her dad's age. lol.

 

One lie early in a relationship does not necessarily indicate the person is going to become a notorious liar in all other aspects of their life, though how much of a deal breaker it is I guess depends on how much the deception disorted how the person really is.

 

How many people exaggerate in their resume or pump up their expenses on tax return or exaggerate their hobbies on date sites...never to be trusted?? What about some of these guys here > 30 who have never been in a relationship. Is it in their best interests to be honest about that? imo that would most likely perpetuate their single life, and does that mean any woman who finds out the truth can break up with them because that indicates they will be 'interminable liars'?

 

 

Did you just imply that there is no problem with a 32 year old man pretending to be 21 in order to sleep with younger women? Just want to make sure I understand.

[Nexus One]

i don't think that is a big deal at all. woman lie about their age and weight all the time. If you look at major college rosters.. they will list the height/weight of men but now women. Age, weight, and height are a bit more sensitive to women than men. I think this is totally forgivable as long as you two are on the same path in life and have similar goals.

 

When I'm out with my girlfriends, men often think im 24 and I'm 29. I just smile and agree. This same thing happend with the new guy im dating and he's 25 in June. we are 4.5 years apart. I did tell him the truth and he was suprised but i didn't care because i just saw him as a little fun. but in the end, it does not matter to him.

 

I think women should date a guy a little younger. They always say, men die earlier.. this way you die about the same time. haha!!

 

Except the problem is that the person who lies, lies to the person he/she is supposed to love most. Lying about it could possibly sabotage the relationship. Why would someone bring the most important thing in their lives into a "danger zone"?

 

It's not about the age, it's about the lying to your SO and the possible implications that stem from that lie. Like OP said, she wants to have a family, but he's not ready yet. And now he's wondering what else she lied about. That's not really healthy for a relationship, it's a red flag. You want to at the very least be able to trust your SO, whether it's on the small issues or big issues.

Edited May 11, 2011 by Nexus One

[ascendotum]

Did you just imply that there is no problem with a 32 year old man pretending to be 21 in order to sleep with younger women? Just want to make sure I understand.

 

The 'friend' is not code for me btw. Yeah I admit its certainly shady behaviour. In his defence, he backdated his age when someone in the group guessed his age to be late 20s, it was not with the intention of sleeping with her, and she pursued him. Actually he was 38 and I think he said he was 27. He broke up with her and she never found out as far as I knew.

[Sivok]

It's over. I broke up with her. I started thinking of so many questionable things in her past, invalid timestamps, etc. This morning I woke up after a disturbing dream and I NEEDED to find out more, so I violated her trust in a large way as well...

 

I logged into her email. I remember talking with her about passwords and she told me her email pass and I teased her about how easy it is. Not once in 6 months did I ever impede on her personal space until now, and I hit a gold mine.

 

She had a dating profile, as well as leud email exchanges with men including pictures.

 

I feel like a wreck. I woke her up and confronted her, she couldn't stop crying and apologizing. I told her no, I have much more self respect for myself, and broke it off.

 

I just lost what I truly felt was true love, and I feel like absolute ****... Mostly at how stupid I was to trust her wholeheartedly . It's over

[Darren Taylor]

It's over. I broke up with her. I started thinking of so many questionable things in her past, invalid timestamps, etc. This morning I woke up after a disturbing dream and I NEEDED to find out more, so I violated her trust in a large way as well...

 

I logged into her email. I remember talking with her about passwords and she told me her email pass and I teased her about how easy it is. Not once in 6 months did I ever impede on her personal space until now, and I hit a gold mine.

 

She had a dating profile, as well as leud email exchanges with men including pictures.

 

I feel like a wreck. I woke her up and confronted her, she couldn't stop crying and apologizing. I told her no, I have much more self respect for myself, and broke it off.

 

I just lost what I truly felt was true love, and I feel like absolute ****... Mostly at how stupid I was to trust her wholeheartedly . It's over

 

 

You made the right decision. Lies always start off as small ones and get bigger over time. Always happens. Not only did she lie, but she also had a profile and emails. She either cheated, or was going to if she hadn't already.

[Nexus One]

It's over. I broke up with her. I started thinking of so many questionable things in her past, invalid timestamps, etc. This morning I woke up after a disturbing dream and I NEEDED to find out more, so I violated her trust in a large way as well...

 

I logged into her email. I remember talking with her about passwords and she told me her email pass and I teased her about how easy it is. Not once in 6 months did I ever impede on her personal space until now, and I hit a gold mine.

 

She had a dating profile, as well as leud email exchanges with men including pictures.

 

I feel like a wreck. I woke her up and confronted her, she couldn't stop crying and apologizing. I told her no, I have much more self respect for myself, and broke it off.

 

I just lost what I truly felt was true love, and I feel like absolute ****... Mostly at how stupid I was to trust her wholeheartedly . It's over

 

Damn man, that sucks for you. Good call though. You deserve better.

[sanskrit]

Good for you, frees up your precious time for better opportunities.

[Sabali]

It's over. I broke up with her. I started thinking of so many questionable things in her past, invalid timestamps, etc. This morning I woke up after a disturbing dream and I NEEDED to find out more, so I violated her trust in a large way as well...

 

I logged into her email. I remember talking with her about passwords and she told me her email pass and I teased her about how easy it is. Not once in 6 months did I ever impede on her personal space until now, and I hit a gold mine.

 

She had a dating profile, as well as leud email exchanges with men including pictures.

 

I feel like a wreck. I woke her up and confronted her, she couldn't stop crying and apologizing. I told her no, I have much more self respect for myself, and broke it off.

 

I just lost what I truly felt was true love, and I feel like absolute ****... Mostly at how stupid I was to trust her wholeheartedly . It's over

 

Don't feel bad, man. At least she was not your wife. At least take solace in that.

 

It is important to not let this experience taint your future relationships. Some people will let such an experience rule their future relationships and they become self-destructive in them and it becomes difficult for them to find someone they can love again.

 

It is not wrong to trust someone and you should never feel stupid for allowing yourself to trust someone who later violates that trust. We don't trust people because we are simply naive. We trust them because it damages us more in the long run if we have trouble doing so and it is important for building strong relationships.

 

Unfortunately, many people would be surprised on what they would find if they dig deep enough. I have seen even the most clean cut with dirt trails.

[Sivok]

Now you can return to being another nice guy on the internet.

Well you certainly have the e-bitch part covered.

 

I'm not going to lie, this isn't easy at all. She's been calling, texting, emailing me all day yesterday trying to apologize. I'm not having any of it. I know I'd never be able to trust her again, and I'm sure you guys know how crummy of a feeling it is being with someone you're so suspicious of. I'm trying to go fully NC, and I haven't replied to anything she has sent me.

 

I won't lie, it's hard. Very hard. I'm proud of myself in the fact that I didn't lash out at her when I found out (which was my usual action with exes). I just told her we had a very rare thing going and I enjoyed it, but we both know it's never going to be the same. Told her I thought she was an amazing person, just very misguided. It was funny, she actually asked me to yell at her. I told her if I did, I'd say things out of spite with no other purpose than to hurt her - which isn't something I feel I need to do. (Plus, I didn't want to lower my value in her eyes - make her realize how stupid she was). Yesterday was a very tough day, but I'm going to keep up the NC plan.

 

Regarding trust in future relationships... It won't come easy, but yeah Sab, you're completely right. The good thing is I'm in a very happy place in my life right now. Good social life, last semester of college, best shape in my life, and booming self confidence. And Sab, you're right, I'm not going to blame any of it on myself. I did nothing wrong, and I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

[Sabali]

Sivok, you are handling this superbly. This is exactly how I would handle it. Keep it up!

 

Unfortunately, going through someone's personal stuff is like having the power to read someone's mind. You have to ask yourself if you really want that power because, many of the times, you will have a disappointing discovery. The truth is, not many people would be together if they did this. She could have went undiscovered for a very long time if she had not raised the red flag with her age. This is why I always say it is best to take things slow so that you won't get caught up before the red flags start waving. She went 6 months which is pretty relatively good but she made a lie about something that would easily be discovered.

 

Again, you are doing a great job with how you are handling this. Do not second guess this!

[sanskrit]

I'm not going to lie, this isn't easy at all.

 

Ya it's tough, you are doing great. If you can manage a 30 day NC before even speaking to her, and never putting anything in writing or getting involved in any back and forth Emailing or texting, you will be so much better off so much more quickly.

 

And as for her constant calling, texting, etc., don't put much stock in those, they take almost no effort.

[2sunny]

It's over. I broke up with her. I started thinking of so many questionable things in her past, invalid timestamps, etc. This morning I woke up after a disturbing dream and I NEEDED to find out more, so I violated her trust in a large way as well...

 

I logged into her email. I remember talking with her about passwords and she told me her email pass and I teased her about how easy it is. Not once in 6 months did I ever impede on her personal space until now, and I hit a gold mine.

 

She had a dating profile, as well as leud email exchanges with men including pictures.

 

I feel like a wreck. I woke her up and confronted her, she couldn't stop crying and apologizing. I told her no, I have much more self respect for myself, and broke it off.

 

I just lost what I truly felt was true love, and I feel like absolute ****... Mostly at how stupid I was to trust her wholeheartedly . It's over

 

Well you certainly have the e-bitch part covered.

 

I'm not going to lie, this isn't easy at all. She's been calling, texting, emailing me all day yesterday trying to apologize. I'm not having any of it. I know I'd never be able to trust her again, and I'm sure you guys know how crummy of a feeling it is being with someone you're so suspicious of. I'm trying to go fully NC, and I haven't replied to anything she has sent me.

 

I won't lie, it's hard. Very hard. I'm proud of myself in the fact that I didn't lash out at her when I found out (which was my usual action with exes). I just told her we had a very rare thing going and I enjoyed it, but we both know it's never going to be the same. Told her I thought she was an amazing person, just very misguided. It was funny, she actually asked me to yell at her. I told her if I did, I'd say things out of spite with no other purpose than to hurt her - which isn't something I feel I need to do. (Plus, I didn't want to lower my value in her eyes - make her realize how stupid she was). Yesterday was a very tough day, but I'm going to keep up the NC plan.

 

Regarding trust in future relationships... It won't come easy, but yeah Sab, you're completely right. The good thing is I'm in a very happy place in my life right now. Good social life, last semester of college, best shape in my life, and booming self confidence. And Sab, you're right, I'm not going to blame any of it on myself. I did nothing wrong, and I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

 

very healthy boundary - very healthy reaction with good balance. rarely seen today - be proud of yourself and the self worth you have! wooooottttt!!!!

 

i love seeing healthy!

[Confusedalways]

Well you certainly have the e-bitch part covered.

 

I'm not going to lie, this isn't easy at all. She's been calling, texting, emailing me all day yesterday trying to apologize. I'm not having any of it. I know I'd never be able to trust her again, and I'm sure you guys know how crummy of a feeling it is being with someone you're so suspicious of. I'm trying to go fully NC, and I haven't replied to anything she has sent me.

 

I won't lie, it's hard. Very hard. I'm proud of myself in the fact that I didn't lash out at her when I found out (which was my usual action with exes). I just told her we had a very rare thing going and I enjoyed it, but we both know it's never going to be the same. Told her I thought she was an amazing person, just very misguided. It was funny, she actually asked me to yell at her. I told her if I did, I'd say things out of spite with no other purpose than to hurt her - which isn't something I feel I need to do. (Plus, I didn't want to lower my value in her eyes - make her realize how stupid she was). Yesterday was a very tough day, but I'm going to keep up the NC plan.

 

Regarding trust in future relationships... It won't come easy, but yeah Sab, you're completely right. The good thing is I'm in a very happy place in my life right now. Good social life, last semester of college, best shape in my life, and booming self confidence. And Sab, you're right, I'm not going to blame any of it on myself. I did nothing wrong, and I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

 

Ugh I was just going to come in here and say this sounded like trouble and apparently it was. I'm sorry this happened to you- but I know you'll find someone way better for you out there! It's totally not worth being lied to, I'm glad you found out the truth. Keep up the NC, you're doing the right thing, though I'm sure you know that.

[Eddie Edirol]

I'm not going to lie, this isn't easy at all. She's been calling, texting, emailing me all day yesterday trying to apologize. I'm not having any of it.

.

 

Good for you dude! She was online planning on dumping you when someone else came along, using you as a safety net, and you ripped that safety net out from under her - and she fell on her ass. THATS the only reason she was carrying on, trying to salvage your relationship, not because she was heartbroken. She is probably the type that goes from one relationship to the next, cant be alone, yada yada... She planned on using you from the beginning and thats why she lied about her age.

 

Whats goin to happen now, is that you will start noticing things she did that should have made you suspicious before. What you do now is remember all of the little red flags that you let slide, and use them as warnings in future relationships so you arent fooled next time. Know what I mean?

[D-Lish]

Honestly OP, women are sensitive about their age. I was married at 30, so my age wasn't a big issue- but it became a huge issue after my divorce. I often shaved a couple years off my age because I was so sensitive about getting older.

 

This might be a real insecurity for her- hitting 30. It's often the age where you start to feel like you're losing your youth. I remember the first time someone called me "ma'am"- I went home and cried (no joke).

 

I agree that it's not a cool deception on her part- but if you've seen no other red flags, and you can accept the gap in age- why deny yourself a good thing.

[sanskrit]

but if you've seen no other red flags, and you can accept the gap in age- why deny yourself a good thing.

 

Read the whole thread, then get back to us

[Sabali]

I agree that it's not a cool deception on her part- but if you've seen no other red flags, and you can accept the gap in age- why deny yourself a good thing.

 

Read the whole thread, then get back to us

 

D, this breaks my heart that you would half-@ss read the thread before providing feedback. Your only redemption is that you gave the same feedback as I did until further information was revealed.

 

Now think about how you are going to make this up to me!

[ladyinlimbo]

To Sivok: I am very sorry that you've been hurt and betrayed like this. Nobody deserves that. I am glad that you found out the truth, though.

 

To those women here who seem to think it's not a big deal for a woman to lie about her age, by going so far as to try justifying it....that age is a sensitive issue for women, I call BS. It's pure selfishness for a woman (or a man!) to lie about their age. What they're doing is taking away their potential partner's opportunity to make an INFORMED decision about whether they're willing to invest their time and heart in someone who IS that age. It's putting your own silly insecurities and issues ABOVE that potential partner's right to have all of the facts needed when deciding if they want to pursue a relationship. The epitome of selfish, and it speaks to that person's character and integrity a whole lot. IMO.

[Feelin Frisky]

I can totally identify. My first great relationship was with someone who didn't tell me she had a child and I found out after I had already invested so much emotional capital in her. But what she did when I found out really put the zap on my head. She concocted this big story about the father of the child having been some righteous guy who was murdered. Years went by and she blurted out that her son's father was no good. She didn't realize it but it registered on me right then like a ton of bricks. I confronted her saying that she told me he was dead. Then she tried to pass it off as "well, as far as she was concerned he was good as dead".

 

That's a whole different thing than lying to me about him being so great and being murdered. I then lost faith in a lot of things I had taken as truth from her. I came to wonder how old she might have really been too. I was 25 when we met and she said she was 29. I never checked her driver's license but after that mistake of admitting the lie about her son's father I don't know what to believe. It's been over for a long time and I choose to remember the good stuff. But the lying thing brought it back for me.

[Sivok]

You aren't completely blameless. You did pick her.

 

Abused women some how continue to find abusers even when on the outside there is no indication that man would be one. There must be something they can pick up on others can't which draws them back to the same kind of partner. I am not saying you are an abuse victim. You might have been attracted to qualities in her which to others seem harmless, but are commonly held by unsavory characters like herself. No matter her flaws she might be your type like an abusive husband is an abused wife's type.

 

Be very careful.

I don't know so much about that, but that is interesting because my last relationship was an abusive one (dated a bad girl). I was by far the dominant one in this relationship. I wasn't abusive, but I did put her in her place a lot of the times when she tried to test me early on.

 

Good for you dude! She was online planning on dumping you when someone else came along, using you as a safety net, and you ripped that safety net out from under her - and she fell on her ass. THATS the only reason she was carrying on, trying to salvage your relationship, not because she was heartbroken. She is probably the type that goes from one relationship to the next, cant be alone, yada yada... She planned on using you from the beginning and thats why she lied about her age.

You could be right in the aspect that she may have entered it thinking of it as a fling, as orion said 'I did tell him the truth and he was surprised but i didn't care because i just saw him as a little fun.' However, that quickly changed. We talked and saw each other everyday for 3+ hours at a time. We were pretty addicted to each other - you know, one of those couples. She told me she loved me first, always talked about a future together, and we had sex every night - at least. She was away for a month to oversee a grant (she's an ED in accounting) and my guess is she wanted a sexual fill during the interim.

 

As for where I am now, she's been calling/texting/emailing me every single day - leaving me voice mails too. I've been ignoring them all, except for one two nights ago where i texted her back saying 'I need space'. Didn't really change much, but I don't plan on saying anything further.

 

I'm not going to sit here and psychoanalyze her character and our relationship - I can do that for months and even then still not know the truth. I did learn alot about myself though. The way I am with women is almost like a modern casanova(bear with me here). Once I'm in a relationship, I know my woman's emotional boundries and teeter back and forth those boundries with my words - then surprising her with an action of love. I'm a type that shows my emotion through action, not words, and I try to play to my woman's fantasies of a perfect relationship by listening and surprising her with something she told me she desired weeks or maybe months ago. Always about maintaining that tension, a bit of mystery, and adventurous/surprising payoffs. I'm a romantic, and I try and show that everywhere - especially the bedroom haha. I'm not the type of person that can date multiple women at a time, because I want to blow a woman's mind completely and place all my energy into one. I don't have a sexual desire to sleep with random women either - I've done that excessively when I was 21-22 and it just wasn't satisfying. I'm also a very selfless lover, so I try and overwhelmingly please my woman in everyway - and she needs to earn that (relationship or atleast a while of building chemistry), I can't do that with any random woman and I don't feel sexually satisfied until I completely satisfy my woman (im extremely dominant in that aspect).

 

Bit of a tangent I know, but this really was an eye opening experience for me. Interms of the type of woman I look for in the future, The perfect girl for me is a strong, independent, intelligent type with a passion and drive for adventure. She takes care of herself and body. Underneath the exterior she's sweet, nurturing, romantic and most importantly - she doesn't take herself too seriously and can laugh at herself; with a little bit of a dorky side. The search continues

Edited May 14, 2011 by Sivok

[sanskrit]

I'm not going to sit here and psychoanalyze her character and our relationship - I can do that for months and even then still not know the truth.

 

Wow, that's incredibly mature of you, and much easier said than done. Continue that tack and you will be on to better opportunities before you know it.

[Sabali]

With that attitude, Sivok, I can tell you that you won't have much trouble replacing her or anyone afterward.

[spiderowl]

she's an ED in accounting

 

And she can't even get her own age right? What next? Will she be fiddling the books? You would want someone in her position to be scrupulously honest.