Addicted to a Person

[Titania22]

Thanks Guys

 

I am pretty dead inside. I have finally got to that part, where i have to focus on his bad points (even if they are few). So that is what I am doing. I have to keep telling myself that he is happy, and has someone in his life that he loves. And that any behaviour that might seem contrary to that was just illusion. I have to see myself right now as someone who fell for a scam.

 

Not necessarily completely accurate, but it is the only way I am going to completely let go.

 

The best way to describe where i am at right now is numb.

 

It is nice to have you guys here, that are going through it at the same time. It makes me feel a little stronger, and more determined to finally move on.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hugs Titania, I am really sorry that you are hurting.

 

I have been there when I realized that my feelings for my boss that went on for 4 years were completely unrequited and what I thought we had was all in my head. I felt like a part of me died forever.

 

I have also made a firm decision to never indulge myself into "fantasy crushes" again. And I haven't, and it's been 2 years. I sometimes fear that I have now frozen myself too much and that I can't really feel deeply anymore

[Titania22]

Hugs Titania, I am really sorry that you are hurting.

 

I have been there when I realized that my feelings for my boss that went on for 4 years were completely unrequited and what I thought we had was all in my head. I felt like a part of me died forever.

 

I have also made a firm decision to never indulge myself into "fantasy crushes" again. And I haven't, and it's been 2 years. I sometimes fear that I have now frozen myself too much and that I can't really feel deeply anymore

 

Thanks ES. I hope I never do the bold again. It never accomplishes anything, except pain and longing.

 

This whole year for me seems to be about growing up. All the money stuff in January, followed by me making decisions about what to do with my life, and now facing letting go of this insane uber crush.

 

So if I succeed in becoming all grown up, does that me I am going to become boring?

[Movingthrough]

Thanks ES. I hope I never do the bold again. It never accomplishes anything, except pain and longing.

 

This whole year for me seems to be about growing up. All the money stuff in January, followed by me making decisions about what to do with my life, and now facing letting go of this insane uber crush.

 

So if I succeed in becoming all grown up, does that me I am going to become boring?

 

I hope you feel better. I remember when I got news that my ex was seeing someone, it was right after me so it hurt a lot. I think the common feelings are that what we had with them was nothing since they could move on so fast.

 

I think when you get deep down into it it all comes down to focus's. We are so stuck on that one person that we cant think of anyone else, they are moving on (either because feelings were never as strong, but usually because they have a new person or focus in front of them) and seem so "over it". I know that if my ex never met that guy that she wouldnt be as happy as she seems. I also think that if either one of us here on this thread met someone tomorrow that took our breath away, we wouldnt care about our exes as much.

 

While i have really been hurt by my ex, i look back on my past and see that i have done the same things. I dated a girl where there was small problems that piled up, so in my head it was time to end, well in her head it wasnt and ive heard that it really hurt her. To me, it was what needed to be done and i moved on quickly, but not on her end. When i think back to that i know that nothing i did was meant to throw it in her face, or malicious in anyway, but just like us posting in here - we take our exes actions as trying to hurt us or not caring.

 

My point is, the hardeset part is getting past the idea of "they dont care about me" or what you guys had was a joke. Usually behind the scenes they care and hurt a lot more then we are seeing, BUT they have a new focus, so they arent sitting around thinking about that.

 

If you were to win a million dollars right now, would your mind be so stuck on the ex? Its all about a focus and right now yours is the ex. While i do think its the hardest part to break, i would advise trying as hard as you can do move to a new focus whether its a hobby or person.

 

I have learned so much by reading on here and researching in my own time, but i still have feelings that hurt me from what happened in my breakup, the thing is they now dont have as much weight as they did, i can easily idenify them and think of the reality of the situtaion (alot like CBT).

 

I hope everyone feels better on this thread, but just take a minute to think what you are acutally doing; you are obsessing over one human being that is no different from you and with demographics you can almost be sure someone will come into your life at some point, and that someone else will most likely be better then the one you are obsessing over now.

Edited May 26, 2011 by Movingthrough

[nyc_guy2003]

I have also made a firm decision to never indulge myself into "fantasy crushes" again.

 

I think that makes sense in theory, but in real life I don't think most of us pick and choose when and how addictions happen. For me, I've been 200% happily married for several years and the first time I met the girl I'm addicted to, it was in a business setting a year ago and I really didn't think anything of her except for the fact that she was good looking. I'm in a business where I meet good looking people every day so she was just another pretty face to me. But fast forward to a year later and due to several concidental events, we ended up becoming friends...one (non-sexual) thing led to another and now I have an addiction to her. So I never set out to say "oh I'm going to have a fantasy crush" now, but it just happened. The last time this happened was probably 10 years ago when I was steadfastly single, so it's not like I'm generally susceptible to these things either.

[NoMagicBullet]

Well I just had the shock I needed.

 

I just found out that my addiction has a GF, and has had one for a long time.

 

I feel heart broken, sick, i have been crying.

 

I feel stupid, that I didn't know.

 

But I have a rule, which is never to fantacize/daydream about someone in a relationship. So that's it. I feel rotten that I didn't realise sooner. I feel rotten for how crazy I have felt the last couple of months especially. I feel I have a gaping hole in my chest.

 

But I also feel lucky that I finally got what I need to finally let this go. Even though it hurts. Even though I might want to relapse. I can't deny he is involved with another, and I won't let myself pretend otherwise.

 

I'm so sorry, Titania. I read this, and I cried, too. I think your right about it helping you get beyond the addicition, but it's still sad. I know you feel bad, but don't beat yourself up for not knowing about the GF or even for feeling what you have. Like nyc guy said, we don't choose these addictions. We don't wake up in the morning and say, "Today I'm going to find someone to be totally bonkers over!" It just happens.

 

I have finally got to that part, where i have to focus on his bad points (even if they are few).

 

I've done this, and it does help. I sometimes feel bad about it, because it feels like I'm being unfair in thinking badly about someone, but I remind myself that it's not about them. It's about me getting over the fantasy, and recognizing the crush's flaws helps bring me back to reality.

 

While i have really been hurt by my ex, i look back on my past and see that i have done the same things. I dated a girl where there was small problems that piled up, so in my head it was time to end, well in her head it wasnt and ive heard that it really hurt her. To me, it was what needed to be done and i moved on quickly, but not on her end. When i think back to that i know that nothing i did was meant to throw it in her face, or malicious in anyway, but just like us posting in here - we take our exes actions as trying to hurt us or not caring.

 

My point is, the hardeset part is getting past the idea of "they dont care about me" or what you guys had was a joke. Usually behind the scenes they care and hurt a lot more then we are seeing, BUT they have a new focus, so they arent sitting around thinking about that.

 

Thank you for this excellent example of the other side of the crush. I agree with you on getting past the idea that they don't care. I think most people care about others on some level, even if only as fellow human beings. In these addictions, it's simply that they don't care about us on the same highly intense level that we do about them. Not caring at all is a completely different thing, and I don't think that's usually the case.

 

I suspect it's a normal reaction to think they don't care, in an attempt to break free from the addcition, but I also think it can prolong feeling bad about oneself and lead to more negative thoughts, i.e., "if this person doesn't care about me, why would anyone else?" It's a long process of getting out of the fantasy aspects, positive or negative, and getting back to reality.

[Titania22]

 

I've done this, and it does help. I sometimes feel bad about it, because it feels like I'm being unfair in thinking badly about someone, but I remind myself that it's not about them. It's about me getting over the fantasy, and recognizing the crush's flaws helps bring me back to reality.

 

 

Thankyou NMB, I really appreciate you feeling for me.

 

And this is so true. People are a mix of good and bad, all people, all the time. And even well meaning people make bad decisions.

 

The only way for me right now, is to focus of the negative with him, even exagerrate it, just as I exaggerated his good points before. As it is I don't really know the person. It's having some facts about him, and seeing different perspectives on those facts. Since before all my perspectives were focussed on how the facts prove he is an awesome person, now I am focussing on how the facts prove he is an awful person. The truth is no doubt somewhere between the 2 extremes. Which doesn't really matter in my reality anyway, because once I am over him, I won't care what he is doing or who he is.

 

On top of focussing of the negative to help me finally let go, I see this also as an opportunity to try and understand what makes me want to see some people as these paragons of ethics, morals, compassion, wisdom, etc. And set them up in my mind as examples to us all. I think the more I see society devolve (in terms of socially behaviour and what is acceptable and considered normal), the more I have a part of me that wants to believe that someone exists that embodies an ideal. But there is no such thing. We are all flawed and doing the best we can do. The closest I can ever come to realising the ideal, is to be the best person I can be, and give up expecting to see that in someone else. (Especially considering that each individual creates there own definition of 'ideal'.)

 

I want to say thankyou again to you guys who have sent kind words to me right now. It still hurts. But it means so much to feel that some of you care. Even this whole thread and all the posts, seem to have been preparing myself for this point. Thankyou!!!!

[smudge21]

Is there a definite pattern for these addictions. With mine it was always:

 

I didn't fancy them at first, so was able to just talk to them as I would do anyone else, which in turn lead to us becoming really good friends.

 

I worked with them or at least spent time with them and others in a situation which would mean I always saw them, no choice in the matter.

 

They had an ex or current boyfriend that was still around.

 

They'd always be the ones to initiate any flirting and taking it beyond simple friendship.

 

Seems that as long as those four things happened, I would get addicted after a few weeks or a month at most. Sadly they'd always end the same way, with them deciding to give their ex's another shot. It's annoying as even though I saw the patterns this time around, I still couldn't stop myself.

[Frank13]

 

Frank, what I've found is that if you can feel this way once for someone, you can feel this way for another person. (And if it's another addiction, it's not a good thing.) Please don't set yourself up for thinking she's somehow your destiny. I know it feels that way, because I've felt it, too. And I've felt like that for more than one man, but the feeling seizes your brain so strongly, it feels that way and you want to believe it. I know I've wanted to believe it, more than once.

 

Well in my case, I have never had much luck in love. Not much luck in meeting people and not much luck in connecting with someone. Plus the fact I am not a young person, I know there won't be another person like this. I am not saying I feel this is my destiny or soul mate. I just never had a connection like this before and based on my age, I know I probably never will.

 

Also, I know it hasn't been long since you went NC with her her, but try to stop thinking about what she's thinking. I know it's tough, because I've done that, too! And thinking that if I knew what was going through the other's head, it would somehow help me, but I rationally know that it wouldn't. If there's one thing I've learned in my experience with this phenomenon, it's that these feelings don't respond to facts at all. Rational thinking -- by that I mean trying to reason with yourself why you shouldn't feel the way you do -- is useless. Only rational action -- going and staying NC -- has a chance of helping things get better with time.

 

 

This is so true. I even made a post in another thread that I know what I was thinking was not rational but it still didn't keep me from feeling that way.

 

In any case, thank you for your support.

[Frank13]

If you think you might be addicted to someone walk away for one month. NO contact.... NONE. If you miss them a month later get back together... if you don't miss them you'll know it was addiction/infatuation rather than love.

 

I did this before. Went NC for almost 2 months. She broke NC several times and I ignored her until she started saying she had feelings. I was actually getting over her by then but got back together thinking I could supress the feelings and just be friends. Then she said she developed more than "just friend" feelings during this 2 months and that those feelings got stronger when we got back togther. So we both admitted having feelings and trying to figure out what to do. I felt great for about a week until I realized from things she said that nothing would ever happen between us. This of course made me want her even more and that's when it became too painful to be around her. I started to withdraw and she immediately called me on it. I explained the situation and told her I had to end the friendship.

 

Now it has been almost 4 weeks this time of NC and I don't feel a whole lot better. By day 8 of NC I was feeling really good but relapsed on day 9. It felt like back to square one for another 10 or 11 days. Now at almost 4 weeks I am better but sliping backwards. I am having thoughts of the good times we had and wanting to get back togther but I know I can't. Just seems weird that the longer I go NC, the more I miss her.

 

I see this in other threads where the dumper breaks NC two or more months after leaving, but not usually right away. You would think that the longer NC the less you would miss them but it seems the opposite.

[Titania22]

 

I see this in other threads where the dumper breaks NC two or more months after leaving, but not usually right away. You would think that the longer NC the less you would miss them but it seems the opposite.

 

Yes I agree with this.

 

Even after I hadn't had any contact with one for 10yrs, the minute I saw him I knew it was him. By 10yrs enough had changed that I was finally over it, but there was still a kind of excited joy to have bumped into them after all that time.

 

I think these people are so in our systems, that even though we will change (and as a result we won't see them as compatible), but we will always recognise them the second we look into their eyes. And that old spark of elation at seeing them will resurface.

[Frank13]

Frank, everytime you post it's like you're reading my mind and living my life. Everything you put in your last post was totally how I feel, except for one little difference. You say you'll never get that close with someone again, well I can honestly say that although I have felt this way too, I know that's not the case. I truly have felt this way before over someone and really have done the exact same things each and every time. So as much as I know how addicted I am right now I also know it's something that I will get over and will come out of. Same will happen for you, but like me, you have to let it - and that's the hard part. It is like giving up and I never wanted to give up, just like I never really wanted to just be a friend. I wanted more; I wanted her love.. end of.

 

Well as I metioned in a previous post, I am not a young person. I have never been lucky in love or even in meeting people who I felt a connection with. My original post explains how this woman persued a friendship with me. That has never happened to me before, so that is how this one started.

 

Only once before did I have similar situation and that was about 25 years ago. In that one, she got married (just like your situation now) and moved away. Even after she just got married she asked me if I still think about her. Talk about stringing a guy along with a glimmer of hope! It took years afterwards before I stopped thinking of her. Fact is, I can still picture her now, how she looked, and things we did. If she contacted me though, I don't think I would care to see or speak with her. That was so far in the past and I don't see any benefit to it. I don't know her anymore.

 

In the first case it was a romantic interest from the start. In the second case it was a casual friendship that developed into more. That's what makes this second one soooo damn hard to end. I not only lose a chance at love, I also lose the only best friend I ever had, all in one shot.

 

So after this second time, which was even stronger than the first since we work together and have known and spent much more time togther, I don't think I will ever let anyone get that close to me again for fear of the same thing happening.

 

In fact my love life has always been one sided. The feelings were there for one person but not the other. This recent addiction was the first time it seemed feelings were the same for both of us, something I never experienced before. However, either they weren't as strong for her, or the circumstances just prevented us from being togther. Either way, it just confirms what my experience has shown me, that is it is impossible for me to meet someone and for both of us to have the same feelings. I am not feeling sorry for myself or looking for sympathy. Just making a point that at my age and with my experience, the laws of nature appear to prevent me from finding someone and having us both fall in love with each other.

 

That said, these feelings of need, addiction, desire, love whatever you want to call it, will eventually leave and then, and only then, maybe I can contact her and see about being friends, but once again I can look at my past and know that I never got that desire to get in touch once those feelings had gone. I guess deep down I didn't want to bring those feelings back or that I realised I'd spent too much time chasing her that I didn't want to waste any more of life and I'd fully moved on. Either way, I never saw or spoke to those people ever again, and I didn't care. They were part of my past, and that was it. So I'm guessing there's a good chance my current addiction will also become part of my past and I won't care to contact her again either. My addiction will be cured and I'll be better for it.. ready for the next one!

 

Wow, interesting stuff Smudge! I had read somewhere that the only time you can be friends with someone you loved is when you no longer want a relationship with them. In other words, only once the romantic feelings have gone. I have also read that once this happens, you usually don't want to be friends anymore which is exactly what you are saying. I guess there is the part of not wanting the romantic feelings to come back, but I also have to wonder if it has something to do with the fact that if you are able to kill feelings for someone you care so much about, what is left for you to want to be friends with them?

 

Smudge, I would be interested in knowing how long it took you to get over these addictions and if the time varied with each.

 

I am sitting here now still thinking I will be friends with my addiction in the future, but I also wonder how much of this is a true desire to be friends and how much is just due to feelings.

 

You do come across stories from people who couldn't get together due to being in marriages or relationships and then making contact 5 years later when out of their relationship and getting together. In your experience Smudge it doesn't sound like that would happen. You moved on and no longer cared.

Edited May 28, 2011 by Frank13

[Frank13]

Just to add too, I think the hardest thing to accept in any relationship is the understanding that our ex/addictions (whatever they are) don't feel the same way about us as we do about them. So we all do that hope that they're sat at home thinking about us and wanting to make contact, then we hear about them having a good time and that hurts even more then it should - how can they have a good time when they should be upset like we are?!?!?!

 

This is what happened to me. I want her to be happy, even if that means I am not in her life. The thing is when I saw her on day 8 of NC (didn't talk to her) and she looked sad (or maybe I just wanted to think that), it actually made me feel better. I didn't want her to be sad but I was hurting and I wanted to feel that I at least meant enough to her for the ending of the friendship to make her sad.

 

Then the next day I heard her laughing loudly with another guy and it killed me. Logically I know it shouldn't have. I am the one that ended the friendship and I didn't expect her to stop living because of it. Maybe it was just a distraction from being sad so she needed a laugh. But I took it like she had already forgot about me and maybe even replaced me with a new guy friend.

 

I want he to be as happy as can be........just not so soon!

[Frank13]

Seriously, I'd send her texts and never get replies, but that wouldn't stop me still sending stuff.

 

Here we go with the similarities again. With mine it was emails. At first it would take a week to get a reply (but if I didn't reply to one of her emails the same day she sent it, she would send another one the next day asking if I got her email), then it pretty much became not at all.

[Frank13]

It took me about 2 YEARS (and I'm not kidding) to get this guy "out of my system." I don't think it needed to take that long, but I was too fixated and stubborn.

 

Was that 2 years after NC or without going NC? I am just curious if you were able to get him out of your system with him still around, as my addiction works with me. Also wondering why you didn't date him.

[Frank13]

Currently on day 7 of NC with my addiction and I know she's traveling during the week of Memorial Day so if I can make it another 4 days I'm in the clear for at least 20 straight days of NC. Of course the second she contacts me I'll probably come crawling back.

 

I like those "guaranteed" NC days . Makes it easier. I am 25 days NC and had to take time off work to jump start my NC since we work together. The first time I caved after one day NC when I saw her. By the time I go back it will be 27 days. She knows why I am NC but makes no effort to avoid me, but doesn't speak to me. I don't know if she does that in hopes I cave or if she is just going about her business because I am the one that ended the friendship and she isn't the one with the problem.

[Frank13]

Well I just had the shock I needed.

 

I just found out that my addiction has a GF, and has had one for a long time.

 

I feel heart broken, sick, i have been crying.

 

I feel stupid, that I didn't know.

 

But I have a rule, which is never to fantacize/daydream about someone in a relationship. So that's it. I feel rotten that I didn't realise sooner. I feel rotten for how crazy I have felt the last couple of months especially. I feel I have a gaping hole in my chest.

 

But I also feel lucky that I finally got what I need to finally let this go. Even though it hurts. Even though I might want to relapse. I can't deny he is involved with another, and I won't let myself pretend otherwise.

 

I am so sorry Titania! I wish knowing this could switch off the addiction like a light switch.

[smudge21]

Frank, we seem to share the same problems and both joined LS in January... wierd!

 

Anyway, your question about how long it took to get over previous addictions, I can't really say. I remember my first love/addiction, we bumped into each other one day and she was with a friend, we chatted but it just felt like she didn't even want me there. I can recall thinking "what the hell am I doing here!" and I just walked away without saying a word. Didn't look back or anything just went. I guess that was a quick ending and I never regretted that as I finally realised that she didn't care about me at all.

 

Another addiction, about 8 years ago, that was worked based so had to see her all the time. Only when I moved to another city did the feelings start to fade. I can't say when they actually went, I think it just happened over time, a few months of total no contact at all. Eventually I no longer cared. Saw her again a year later and we chatted but I remembered how off she'd been with me, toyed with my feelings and treated me like ****. I no longer had any desire to be with her.

 

My current addiction is different as we parted as friends and, even though she got back with her long term ex, there was never any lies or mistrust - we became friends, flirted, got even friendlier (not as far as sex) but before it got serious it ended, but due to work we kept seeing each other - which built up the feelings on my side (and I definitely will say kept her confused to as it was clear she cared). When I said goodbye it was very nice and sweet between us both. Now because of the friendship beforehand (and how well we used to get along) I won't rule out seeing her as a friend in the future, but that all depends on circumstance, as I doubt I'll contact her anytime. It will depend on us meeting up or her contacting me.

 

The fact is, once the feelings go and you're no longer in contact with that person (and have got used to not contacting that person) you'll probably be in a different frame of mind, and only then will you be able to decide if you want a friendship with them. Most likely you probably won't, but the thing is, you won't care.

 

Right now, like me, you have an emotional attachment - believing you want to be friends is a lie - end of. You want more and the friends thing is you trying to convince yourself you'd be happy with that as you know that's all you can have. Until the emotional bond is broken you will not be able to be her friend. I can never be my addictions friend when I still feel like this, but ask me again a few months down the line and see if I really even care about contacting her or seeing her anymore. The bond will be gone, as will the desire to be with her. So there's a good chance the desire to be her friend will be gone too.

 

One final thing, but when you're in this NC mode, the best thing that can happen is to get attention from other people, other girls. Even if it's just a friendly chat, a mutual joke, a little bit of harmless flirting - with each time it reminds you that you can have the same fun and excitement with someone else, which in turn helps with the healing.

[Titania22]

I am so sorry Titania! I wish knowing this could switch off the addiction like a light switch.

 

Thankyou Frank, It's been a hard week that's for sure.

[Titania22]

Actually the way I have been feeling the last few days, conscientiously trying to get over this guy, has reminded me so much of my main character in the novel I wrote a few years back. At the time the novel was very cathartic, it was inspired by my feelings and need to let go of a previous addiction/infatuation. The whole book was basically about, how do I let go of this person that I believe I love but who just wants to be friends, when I can't even get away from him. Having explored the topic to death whilst writing it, I really thought I had grown and moved on from this since then. It's kind of a shock to once again see 'the more I change the more I stay the same'.

 

The reason this came up for me was because when I was feeling my worst a couple of days ago, I thought 'maybe it's time to write another book', but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that I already wrote that book.

[Frank13]

 

The fact is, once the feelings go and you're no longer in contact with that person (and have got used to not contacting that person) you'll probably be in a different frame of mind, and only then will you be able to decide if you want a friendship with them. Most likely you probably won't, but the thing is, you won't care.

 

I agree with this. My problem is I work with her. Never thought this would happen so can't even say I shouldn't have got involved with a co-worker.

 

Right now, like me, you have an emotional attachment - believing you want to be friends is a lie - end of. You want more and the friends thing is you trying to convince yourself you'd be happy with that as you know that's all you can have. Until the emotional bond is broken you will not be able to be her friend.

 

I agree 1000% and thanks for confirming this. We were just casual friends for 2 years. If either one of us had quit working I never would have missed her. It was only after I started getting feelings that we go closer and I know it was because I pushed it in that direction.

 

I can never be my addictions friend when I still feel like this, but ask me again a few months down the line and see if I really even care about contacting her or seeing her anymore. The bond will be gone, as will the desire to be with her. So there's a good chance the desire to be her friend will be gone too.

 

Part of me wishes I never see her again and of course part of me still cares about her. Getting to the point of losing desire to be her friend will probably be the final outcome. For me the tough thing is not that she doesn't care. I know she does. It just isn't enough or she can't act on it due to circumstance, Probably a little of both but if she had strong feelings like me, she would have probably tried to end the friendship. I think the fact that she cares drives my addiction more because I keep thinking it is the circumstances that is preventing us from going further. I guess in the end it doesn't matter,

 

One final thing, but when you're in this NC mode, the best thing that can happen is to get attention from other people, other girls. Even if it's just a friendly chat, a mutual joke, a little bit of harmless flirting - with each time it reminds you that you can have the same fun and excitement with someone else, which in turn helps with the healing.

 

I have been doing this and even been more friendly with some of the guys I work with and it helps. Not too many woman work there and even less available ones. I also worry about my ex thinking I am doing it to make her jealous. If she had ended things it wouldn't bother me, but I don't want her to think I am being an ahole to her. I know when I heard her laughing loudly with a guy on day 9 of NC, it destroyed me. I had to leave the area and again had serious thoughts of quitting. I have no clue if she was doing it to make me jealous, but I don't see why because she knows why I ended things. It just made me feel she had already moved on.

 

She did tell me, after we became friends, that years ago before she tried to be my friend, she would see me talking and laughing with the guys and she always wished I would do that with her. Makes me wonder if she had a crush on me back then but when I asked her when she got feelings she said it was during the several weeks when I went NC a couple months ago.

 

Well in a few months she will see me talking and laughing with the guys with a vengence. I have to stay NC and am trying to avoid her but I am not going to hide forever. By then she probably won't care, or she will once again wish it was with her.

 

Sorry for rambling. I have probably written too much. I thought this thread was dead so haven't been back to this thread in days. Glad to see it is still going.

[Frank13]

Since we are all in this together, I wanted to ask if any of you get, or had, the feeling I am about to describe. I wonder if it is normal when relationships end, just for addictions, or unique only to me as it does worry me, makes me crazy, and is the most difficult to deal with.

 

When I developed romantic feelings for my addiction (and for the 3 months before I told her) I felt like I had a constant broken heart. I was sad and thought about her all the time. I also hoped that she would develope feelings for me and that things would go further.

 

However, once I realized she would never take things further, told her so, and ended the friendship, I got this other feeling I will try to describe.

 

I can't pin point one exact feeling as it was more like a combination of them that I will try to describe. It was sort of like a combination of extreme desperation, frustration, conflict, and bit of jealousy with a strong desire to fix a problem that has no solution (hense the desperation and frustration aspects). I have this strong urge to tell my addiction how much I love her thinking this will fix the situation and make her love me back, but my logical side knows that things are over and there is nothing I can do about it. It's like my brain says "I love her so much that it is impossible for her not to love me back..... but I know she doesn't".

 

I guess a close equivalent would be having just broken up with your gf and seeing her making out with another guy. You have jealousy and maybe angry and want to go over and punch the guy out, but you know you can't. It is like frustration and jelaousy and desperation at trying to fix a problem that has no solution.

 

Rather than sadness or acceptance that things are over or will never be, it is like a super strong desire for a solution but knowing that one does not exist.

When I get this feeling I get very anxious and crazy and have to do something to get my mind off it. It is not something I can just let myself feel like sadness. This is the feeling that makes me know I have to go NC.

 

When I hear of people being devastated, hurt, or broken hearted over a relationship ending, I never think of the feeling I tried to describe above, but that is the worse one I feel.

 

Hope I don't sound like a nut case.

[Titania22]

It was sort of like a combination of extreme desperation, frustration, conflict, with a strong desire to fix a problem that has no solution (hense the desperation and frustration aspects). I have this strong urge to tell my addiction how much I love her thinking this will fix the situation and make her love me back, but my logical side knows that things are over and there is nothing I can do about it. It's like my brain says "I love her so much that it is impossible for her not to love me back..... but I know she doesn't".

 

 

Rather than sadness or acceptance that things are over or will never be, it is like a super strong desire for a solution but knowing that one does not exist.

When I get this feeling I get very anxious and crazy and have to do something to get my mind off it. It is not something I can just let myself feel like sadness. This is the feeling that makes me know I have to go NC.

 

When I hear of people being devastated, hurt, or broken hearted over a relationship ending, I never think of the feeling I tried to describe above, but that is the worse one I feel.

 

Hope I don't sound like a nut case.

 

Not the jealousy, but these other things you have described, as well as the devastated, hurt, broken hearted, and even a feeling of wanting to throw up.

 

And exactly that's why now i have to go the NC, because seeing anything related to him, no matter how small or how briefly, immediately cause a tremendous aching in my heart, which seems to take ages to die down again.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

We went out for sushi the other night. She gave me some hope, though I don't hunk intentionally. She told me that I'm amazing. She gave me a strong indication that, if she can deal with her **** regarding this other guy, she'd maybe want to give it a shot with me. I know that's not what I should be hoping for, but it's something.

 

I try not to put pressure on her, so when she told me that she was sorry and that she wasn't ready for what I wanted, I told her I was ok, and not to worry about me. She said that she wasn't just worried about me, but that she was also afraid that she might just be hanging onto her feelings for this guy because she knows it won't go anywhere, and that she might be blowing something that could really work and be great with me.

 

So, maybe I'm crazy and setting myself up for ****, but it is what it is.

[smudge21]

Well after 8 weeks NC my addiction has just made my heart skip a beat...

 

Long story but due to work had to email her and a few others - all business related and serious. Got a reply from her saying thanks, nothing more. Fair enough.

 

Then noticed Facebook she's just sent me a friend request. I know I can't add her, I mean, nothing has changed. She's still getting married to him, so what will be different. My goodbye letter will be for nothing if I accept her request now. I know her well and this is her testing the water again (just like random texts in the past) rather then being forward and just getting in touch. She comes across as confident but she isn't really.

 

It's actually made me feel good inside because in a way, it says to me 'yeah, she does care, always did and still is thinking of you'.

 

I can't add her, but should I ignore the request. I don't want to be rude as we are still friends, so I'm thinking a reply reminding her of why I said goodbye and why I can't add her.

 

Advice welcome...