Princess71 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 yes, Bruce, I realize i should end things with the boyfriend. I'm just thinking about how to do it. i know this is confusing, but there are so many aspects to it. Link to post Share on other sites
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Kind of agree with Mr. Bruce on this one. This doesn't really seem like an addiction as much as it is a breakup drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Princess71 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 oh my God, I wish it were just a break up drama. it is not. I can't stop thinking about this guy. in fact, last night I stayed up for seven hours writing him an email, telling him how i feel. I told him that I would reallly like to spend more time with him--nothing physical, just to see where it could go. I am trying to decide whether to send it. You know why? I'm afraid that once he rejects me again, and he will, I won't know what to do. I mean, I can't let go so if I send him this email, what left will I have to do? He is supposed to come visit me with Nancy when she moves in with him, you know, all as friends. If I send this email, he will feel too uncomfortable to see me. I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Princess71 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 ugh!! I sent the email. Now I'm dying. why do I do this to myself? A normal person, when they know they are going to be rejectec, says forget it. But not me. I need to get turned down again and again. But you know why I think I do this? I mean why I sent the email? Because now I get to have a nervous feeling rather than the empty, depressed feeling. Every time I take an action, I get to feel the anxiousness again, which is so much better than the depression. But why would I even feel anxious when I know the outcome? I guess for that .00001 chance that he will come around. Plus, I know this email will give him some stress and in a way I feel like I let him off too easily. I mean, he toyed with my emotions, even if it wasn't deliberately. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt me. But this is a way for him to take responsiblity for his actions. Oh, God I sound like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction now. I know i will feel like dying after I get his response. I hope you guys can support me when that happens. Just because I was dating someone at the time this happened, doesn't mean it's not an addiction. My relationship with my bf is over and has been over a long time and this addicition exists with or without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Titania22 Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 ugh!! I sent the email. Now I'm dying. why do I do this to myself? A normal person, when they know they are going to be rejectec, says forget it. But not me. I need to get turned down again and again. But you know why I think I do this? I mean why I sent the email? Because now I get to have a nervous feeling rather than the empty, depressed feeling. Every time I take an action, I get to feel the anxiousness again, which is so much better than the depression. But why would I even feel anxious when I know the outcome? I guess for that .00001 chance that he will come around. Plus, I know this email will give him some stress and in a way I feel like I let him off too easily. I mean, he toyed with my emotions, even if it wasn't deliberately. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt me. But this is a way for him to take responsiblity for his actions. Oh, God I sound like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction now. I know i will feel like dying after I get his response. I hope you guys can support me when that happens. Just because I was dating someone at the time this happened, doesn't mean it's not an addiction. My relationship with my bf is over and has been over a long time and this addicition exists with or without him. You have made some great insights for yourself. I know what it is like to feel compelled to act, even when I know the results will be the opposite of what I really want. (I think we all do here.) You know getting full on rejected, even losing a friend or acquaintance, can seem like a better option for us, because it can free us (i.e. it is the hope no matter how small, that keeps us imprisoned by our addiction). Now that you have relised you take some actions because you like the feeling of anxiety over the feeling of depression or emptiness, that gives you a power. Next time, instead of just acting, try to remind yourself of this revelation (write it down and put it somewhere, and train yourself that when you feel (such and such) you will read note before taking any other action. Then at that point you can decide, is there some other way to fill the void other then by making yourself anxious? What are the results of the action you are thinking of taking, and are they worth the satisfaction of feeling anxious again? Then at least if you choose to walk down the same path, you are doing it consciously now, and at some point in the future you may consciously decide to do something else. I have affected alot of change in my life this way, but not at the speed of someone else, at my own pace when I am ready. TheyCallMeBruce, is kind of going through this, he knows the advice is to go NC, but he has consciously decided he is not ready. He has consciously agreed to follow his path and endure any pain that results, and if and when the time comes when he is ready to go NC, I have no doubt he will do so with greater grace, then he would have trying to force it now when he isn't ready. Have you officially broken up with your boyfriend? Is he broken hearted or was the decision mutual? Do you still ever talk to him? Is he at all a compassionate person? If he isn't suffering a broken heart and your other answers were yes, then consider talking to him. Explain that you really like "Mark", and that he would never return that interest because of his friendship with your boyfriend. "Mark" might not be into you (in which case you have probably added to your humiliation, which will help you recover faster), or maybe he is interested, but will only move forward if your boyfriend is cool with it. It's a long shot, but if your boyfriend wants you and "Mark" to be happy, he might just take his friend off the hook. If he doesn't I don't think it was going to happen anyway. Good Luck! ANd even if we aren't saying much, we are still paying attention and reading your posts, and wishing you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Princess71 Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 thank you so much, Titania, for your words. I have to be aware of my sickness I am indeed very ill. I got a response back from him to my email. Get this. He says he doesn't know why he did anything he did and that he's done it his whole life with relationships. The sickest part? he says he doesn't know what to do next and i'm looking at that as encouraging!! He said he would like to see me again and continue our friendship. I mentioned at the end of my email that I think we should spend more time together, nothing physical, no pressure . so he answers he would like to see me and continue our friendship but that he can't guarantee there won't be pressure or awkwardness there but that he thinks we can work through that. What do you think this means? Basically, he's saying he doesn't know why he did what he did, he said he isn't sure he's ready for a relationship. My diseased head is looking at that like at least he didn't say he's NOT ready for a relationship. For me, I don't know beats NO. What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Titania22 Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 so he answers he would like to see me and continue our friendship but that he can't guarantee there won't be pressure or awkwardness there but that he thinks we can work through that. What do you think this means? Basically, he's saying he doesn't know why he did what he did, he said he isn't sure he's ready for a relationship. My diseased head is looking at that like at least he didn't say he's NOT ready for a relationship. For me, I don't know beats NO. What do you guys think? Hi Princess71, It is usual after some sexual/flirtatious stuff and miscommunicated interest for things to be awkward afterwards for a bit. Really from what you have said he still may or may not be interested. It's like a play that is only part way through. He could be interested by fighting his feelings (for whatever reason), or not interested (and was just mucking around of the internet, because he hadn't thought it through). The internet is this weird thing, that allows people to explore parts of themselves that they would never actually explore in real life. So for example it is much easier for alot of people to explore sexual curiosities by online roleplaying, but wouldn't feel comfortable exploring or perhaps even talking about them in real life. Good luck Princess Link to post Share on other sites
TheyCallMeBruce Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Totally get this. That compulsive behavior is a big piece of my own addiction right now. In fact, I've figured out a few things that this addiction is creating: 1) Complete inability to process negative signals, long-term. I have a lot of experience hitting on girls, and I'm usually very aware of when a girl isn't interested. However, with this girl, despite intellectually knowing that she isn't interested, I still allow my brain to lie to me, and try to interpret her behavior as indicating that I still have a chance with her. 2) All of her actions are either 100% positive or 100% negative. With this girl, I always feel like things are absolutely perfectly or completely ****ed. There's no in-between. Given how much of my own behavior I know is completely random, it's weird that I can't accept that anything that she does could be the same. Everything feels like it's a very clear signal about her feelings, and completely corrupts my mood one way or the other. 3) Unconscious desire for proximity: She called me out on this one tonight. When we're somewhere together (especially the gym) I tend to always move around with her, even when it disrupts what I'm trying to do. This is especially frustrating because I'm never like this. I'm usually so smooth with women. The girl I went out with on Saturday is super into me, and I'm completely at ease with the situation. I feel no pressure and no anxiety. More or less, I don't even really care that much where it goes. I keep feeling like I might be able to "win" her if I can stop being an idiot all the time, but even if she dated me, what's the chance that I don't ruin it by acting like an idiot all the time? Does anyone know if this gets better if you actually date the person? Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Does anyone know if this gets better if you actually date the person? I was about to go offline when I read your latest post, Bruce. This won't really answer your question, but here is what I've recently experienced with my latest addiction: We met face-to-face last week, and there was mutual attraction. And exchange of affection. And oddly enough, the insane emotions evaporated. It was so nice to not feel psychotic! If anything, I was stunned, because this kind of mutual interest NEVER happens to me. This sort of calm about it all was totally unexpected. However, due to various circumstances (mainly him still getting over his ex), dating is not going to happen. At the moment, this is bearable because we don't live anywhere near each other, but we've been keeping in touch. Unfortunately, the flirtatiousness that was going on in person hasn't continued. Communication has been friendly, but that's all. I'm having some ups and downs about this, and I'm hurting right now because I'm thinking I was just the Good Enough For Now Girl. The Painkiller. A boost for his wounded ego. I fear that I may not have a chance at all with this guy in the future, and I'm afraid I'm setting myself up for misery by staying in contact with him. Even so, the emotional roller coaster hasn't been as bad as previous crushes. At least not yet. At the moment, the pain is more bearable that I thought it would be. So I can't say for sure if dating helps, but at least having my affection returned, even if only temporarily in this particular instance, seemed to help a lot. Other people's results may vary. Link to post Share on other sites
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 2) All of her actions are either 100% positive or 100% negative. With this girl, I always feel like things are absolutely perfectly or completely ****ed. There's no in-between. Ha, I have this exact problem too. When I am with my addiction everything is perfect, the sky is blue, the birds are chirping, etc. Then when we go a few days/weeks without communicating, every thought I have about her is negative. Like I get po'd when I see her posting an update on her fb about how fabulous her life is and stuff like that. P.S. Just noticed Mr. Bruce you seem to like to use the term "super" way too much. Like the term "super into"...that just sounds weird. And I remember another post where you said "super alot". Link to post Share on other sites
Princess71 Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Bruce, everything u said hit home!! I feel like I'm a genius in that I'm able to turn any negative responses from him to a possible positive. I also feel that everything he says is a reflection of his feelings. My latest torture? I wrote him an email asking him to get together either this weekend or one day next week. I figured how is he going to get out of that? Is he going to say he's busy all those days?? But, alas, he has figured out a way to turn me down lightly. He said he's busy this weekend but that maybe next week will work and he'll let me know soon. Well, I know this means that in a few days he will say I'm sorry but im not going to be able to make it. Still, I am searching for a way that he could mean it. But I know realistically, what else could he say if jhe didn't want to see me? I'm sorry, I'm busy this weekend and all next week? No. Sigh. The reason I'm so sure he doesn't want to see me is because I know he'd rather see me after Nancy gets there next week so we don't have to be alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Titania22 Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 Bruce, everything u said hit home!! I feel like I'm a genius in that I'm able to turn any negative responses from him to a possible positive. I also feel that everything he says is a reflection of his feelings. My latest torture? I wrote him an email asking him to get together either this weekend or one day next week. I figured how is he going to get out of that? Is he going to say he's busy all those days?? But, alas, he has figured out a way to turn me down lightly. He said he's busy this weekend but that maybe next week will work and he'll let me know soon. Well, I know this means that in a few days he will say I'm sorry but im not going to be able to make it. Still, I am searching for a way that he could mean it. But I know realistically, what else could he say if jhe didn't want to see me? I'm sorry, I'm busy this weekend and all next week? No. Sigh. The reason I'm so sure he doesn't want to see me is because I know he'd rather see me after Nancy gets there next week so we don't have to be alone. Yeah the light rejection is the hardest. It's an excuse where it is just bad timing. Such as the one I got from my addiction recently "I have to sleep". And no I didn't come on really strong, it was all in the look in my eyes. I got the excuse without even asking the question. Anyway as far as I am going, I am recovering quite nicely, nothing has happened to cause a relapse. But I am noticing in my thoughts I am starting to relax with the whole focussing on the negative. So I really hope this isn't me getting weak about letting go. It's the whole 'now that I have some distance, well my feelings weren't really that harmful were they?' thing. Link to post Share on other sites
TheyCallMeBruce Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Sorry about my overuse of the word "super," everyone. I hold myself to a higher standard than that. In other news, I noticed another thing that I do. I am completely unable to objectively evaluate this person. Like, if she gets bitchy for no good reason, I instinctively take responsibility for it, instead of getting pissed off at her. Also, physically, while I can probably identify specific things about her that aren't my "ideal" woman, when I actually look at her, (pardon my cheesy, saccharine nonsense) I see an incredibly beautiful woman, and I can't imagine being more attracted to her. While she is extremely attractive, and she is also very smart, funny, and charmingly snarky, I really don't know how much of my affection is based on actually appreciating those things and how much is me being an insane person. Link to post Share on other sites
dk1991 Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 WOW Nyc guy, i feel the same way! in fact, i think all of us are so similar. i also feel crazy sometimes and just need to move on with life instead of obsessing over the same girl. but its too damn hard. heres my situation: I have a friend who has a boyfriend for two years. I still feel very attracted to her. heres why: a) if shes not talking to me or if i dont see her for some time, i get depressed and lose interest in other friends. b) when my other guy friend (who recently got a gf) flirts with her harmlessly (touch, tease), i become jealous and angry. i also think they are better friends :S c) think about her all the time. I have liked her for a longg time. is this a crush? i want to give up on her but also want to be closer to her. i really do not noe why i like her...i just do... what should i do? wait hopelessly or wat? gahhh its killing me, i think of her all the time...simply do not like it ALSO: i feel jealous she is closer to my other guy friend. they have blackberries and bb chat is free. im using normal text which is expensive. I am always trying to bait her attention, be it online or real-life. gah, wanna be closer to her. recently when i try to start a convo online, she never replies :S i always play it cool and make it seem im not into her we are both in our very early twenties Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 OMG I am definitely addicted. I am completely obsessed with a girl. I think about her non-stop. As soon as my brain stops focusing on something, it immediately goes to her. What really sucks is that I haven't seen her since last Monday the 30th and I feel like I'm going through withdrawals. It's driving me insane. I have been crushing on this girl for over a year. I actually kind of gotten over her twice but for some reason or another she shows up in my life again. This is my last try. I will only give up if she tells me to drop dead or completely ignores me. I don't have the willpower to just stop. As for now, it feels like I'm making small steps forward. If plans don't change we're going to hang out next weekend. I miss her so much. Link to post Share on other sites
dk1991 Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 i noe exactly how u feel mann, im going thru the exact same thingg. i feel like i want to be close to her, want her affection... she has not been replying to my recent online msgs, so feeling really depressed. dunno wat i shud do... the fact dat she has a bf shud turn me away but it doesnt. and i cannot tell her,will just ruin our friendship. dis srsly is not healthy for us, we gotta find a way to move on Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Heh our situations seem to be pretty similar and not at the same time. Since the girl you are talking about has a boyfriend, she is definitely off-limits. The one I'm talking about is single, but she's single by choice and doesn't want a boyfriend. Since she wants to be single she might as well be taken, she's still off-limits. One thing I've learned from these situations, is that you can never be afraid to ruin your friendship. What would you rather be, her boyfriend or her friend? A while ago I realized that I cannot be just her friend. Right now she's confusing me because she's already said no, but still spends time with me. So her words are a no and her actions are a yes. I can only move on when she gets to the point where she's had enough of me and doesn't want to see me anymore. This is a fight I need to lose, and I can't throw in the towel either. It has to be a K.O. Link to post Share on other sites
dk1991 Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 is she ur friend? if she is, wat u plan to do will be considered self-destructive. I think ideally, it will be best to fight to overcome ur feelings and not come on too strongly. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Is she my friend? No, I don't consider somebody I hang out with only once every two weeks or so a friend. Several months ago we were classmates and we often talked and got lunch together, but even then I never considered her a friend. Ever since I first met her, she has always been a girl I wanted to date. Granted I really like her as a person and we get along great and have tons of common interests, I've never thought of her as a friend. I don't have a clue what she thinks of me. I'm pretty certain that she doesn't consider me a friend either. As far as I know, to her, I'm just a guy who likes her and she enjoys my company every now and then. She also knows is that all she has to do, is stop saying no, and we'll start dating. Overcoming my feelings is impossible. 1: I really want a girlfriend and 2: I really like her. Both of those feelings are very strong and they have combined. I want her to be my girlfriend too badly to get over her by myself. Self-destructive or not, it's the only way for me. I only see two options. Either she gives in, or we stop talking. And we'll only stop talking if starts to ignore me and I eventually give up, or she actually tells me to leave her alone. Link to post Share on other sites
dk1991 Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 in tht respect, u are better off than me. u have a shot at getting her to be ur girlfriend. so even if she rejects u, u shud just accept her as a friend, make her ur friend. if u guys talk like dat, u are considered friends IMO. mite not be close friends but just friends. so maybe if u stay by her side, one day she mite start to like u? i understand how ur feeling, maybe dont rush into getting her to be ur gf...yet. unlike me, im obsessing and addicted over a girl whom i noe will never ever like me romantically. I miss her, but it pains me so much Link to post Share on other sites
markm Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 According to my views i feel that become addict to a person is not a good habit because it sometime become very harmful for us . That person will harm us in so many ways like if in future if a person will not with us then it hurts a lot and at that point of time it become very painful feeling for us and one more thing which will harm us if we get addicted to someone then we can't be able to see his/her demerits and we get involved in that person very much whether the person is right or wrong .So don't get addicted with someone this may helpful in choosing the right person. Hope you can understand that. Datingsites Link to post Share on other sites
dk1991 Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 yup, i agree with u totally. but sometimes its harder than it looks. if i was not addicted to this girl, i wud be able to say easily i wont be addicted to her. but now i like her so much, its easier said than done. like i feel there is a slim chance that i can be with her u noe? but i noe its not possible and i just wanna hang on :S really do not noe how to give up Link to post Share on other sites
firundel Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 I generally agree but sometimes, you need a little bit of addiction to have a relationship with someone. Not the sort of total dependency that a lot of us have but if it mainfests itself more as an attachment, of wanting to be with to them rather than a constant need to be in their contact, it's just a part of being with someone that you really like. The problem arises when you have a total emotional dependency on being with the other person all of the time when it is unrealistic to expect this. In my situation, we've only been dating for a few weeks but I'm finding it to hard to resist being around her constantly even though the rational part of my brain knows this would ruin any chances of having a relationship with this woman whatsoever. It's that self-destructive impulse that is so hard to resist even though you know better that makes this such a dangerous situation. I can only speak for myself here but it's not actually about her or anyone else I have previously felt this way about; this is all about deeper insecurities that I haven't properly dealt with. It might be helpful to explain all this to her some day but I feel that right now, things are at an inappropriately early stage. Basically, it's a balancing act in which I am trying to keep her interested without coming on too strong and where I am trying to be open with her without being too open as I think she would (understandably) be a little bit freaked out by all of these things when we have just casually seen each other a few times. Link to post Share on other sites
TheyCallMeBruce Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 I'm not going to say how it happened, but she is now acutely aware of my feelings, on every level, and isn't thrilled. She has basically decided that we need to go NC for at least the immediate future because she knows how ****ed up I've been over the whole thing. I know that what I need to do now is move on, but I can't seem to convince myself that it's really over, despite all of the overwhelming evidence. What the hell is my problem? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Titania22 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 I'm not going to say how it happened, but she is now acutely aware of my feelings, on every level, and isn't thrilled. She has basically decided that we need to go NC for at least the immediate future because she knows how ****ed up I've been over the whole thing. I know that what I need to do now is move on, but I can't seem to convince myself that it's really over, despite all of the overwhelming evidence. What the hell is my problem? Sorry Bruce, you tried really hard. We are here for you. Perhaps try focussing on her flaws, it has been working brilliantly for me. Link to post Share on other sites
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