Is this normal for guys to do... while I'm burdened with pain and struggles just for

[aroseInLove]

Spoke to him Saturday.. He says he loves me to pieces.. he uses the 'm' word.... though, without mention of a timeline he says he wants to marry me..

 

Then.. Day 1.. Day 2.. Day 3... YEP, he does it AGAIN! No contact even with time off from work.. time to fwd me some jokes.. but not phone calls ... no emails.. He still has one of mine unopened fro Saturday.. yet he opened jokes and fwd. them to me.. Last night he was amazingly on my buddy list.. this I was removed from the block. I stayed on line hoping he'd IM me... God knows I didn't want to initiate an IM sessions.. trying to prove to him that I'm not out to invade his privacy...

 

Originally posted by FreeMe

Look how much of yourself is immersed in this whole thing and look at the way he cavalierly disregards your feelings. Do you see imbalance? You seem to be in a relationship with him, except he's really not in it. It's basically an illusion.

Can't be much of a relationship, FreeMe, as I noticed yet one more change in his profile ...he lives in NY and he ADDS in the state of Georgia.. FYI where he visits 5 times a year for two weeks at a time.. Never lets me come.. .. it's where his Mom lives.. So I took a snapshot.. circled GA in red with a big question mark and sent it to him.. Here is his EXACT unedited reply:

 

[color=blue]Rose....That is sweet and funny...you don't miss a trick......Love...Joe....I have been crazy busy today...all kinds of things happening...I love you...........[/color]

 

I am very troubled that he says [color=blue]...you don't miss a trick....[/color] Geeeez, I ever once thought of it as one of his 'tricks'... Yikesss!!

 

Originally posted by aroseInLove

.. . I love this guy so very much, I'm crushed.. and when we care about people to this degree and have no solid answers.. maybe they ARE in some RUT.. just like you say.. WITH THE CLIFF..

 

I DO see 'hope' in him.. No, I would never step on his fingers.. not in a million years.. I want what's best for him too.. ... Dyermaker, you added much warmth to my soul here, tonight.. as I can NOT sleep... I fell in love with a sweet sweet man.. I pray that it just may be a 'RUT'... He is human.. He has a heart.. He has a reason.. The poor guy, he has NO ALY.. NO VOICE.. It's SO VERY heart warming to see someone is looking out for HIM..

Another look back at my very OWN words about his having NO VOICE... well damn... how CAN there be a voice.. if he doesn't even call.. or want to 'go there' when he does..

 

Originally posted by befuddled11

Actions speak louder than words, I know you've read that here before....Since everything was "aired out" a few days ago, his actions have not changed at all. Have they? He's back to ignoring you. Wasn't that the original problem that brought you here in the first place? That when you felt you "needed him", he would not return your calls/voicemails, etc. ... Well here we go again. .... You care about someone, you're feeling insecure.......you scrutinize their every move and word....hoping to see a glimmer of hope and "Future".......they ignore you. You pour out your heart and soul, wanting to "fix" things.......and you spend each moment of your day and night, sitting by the phone or sitting by the computer, waiting for their response. And you get none. So you fall deeper into the abyss and you try even HARDER to reach out to them......to the point where you become obsessed in your attempt to elicit a response from them. I've been there. It's demoralizing and humiliating, when you realize what you're doing....that you're ALLOWING someone to have such control over you.... Would YOU treat someone this way? No.....so then why are you willing to accept this kind of treatment?

 

I AM waking up .. made a pact with myself that this thread IS on its way out; this has become MY Hell.. MY final countdown.. (no offense Samson.. just seems so very applicable to me)..

 

Amongst another weekend of 'stabs' by his silence and insensitivity, look at what he had put in his online personal that I hadn't noticed earlier.. well, being that I was so freaked out it was there in the first place.. ...

 

[color=red]About My desired mate [/color]

[color=blue][font=times new roman]I seek a woman that enjoys the finer things in life, that is energetic and fit, able to keep up with my active lifestyle. Romance and companionship are important to me, as well as allowing each other the space to grow as individuals. [color=red]Understanding each others needs and feelings[/color] are a must in any true relationship.[/font][/color]

 

Even IF he called more.. saw me more.. the bottom line is.. at 48 y/o and never once had anyone 'crazy about me' .. I ask myself.. Do I WANT more of the same again with this person?.. and forever?... Do I want to live out the rest of my life with might still go further downhill? And, worse, do I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is INsensitive? My answer to myself.. is 'No'..

 

Please help me do what I KNOW I need to do.. I AM so very in love, his 'tricks' as he calls them are continuous stabs to my soul.. insults to my very being... I KNOW this is not the life I want, but breaking up now feels like DEATH.. Please help me through this process. [color=darkred]I am afraid if I VERBALIZE a breakup, I will be swayed.... [/color] I'm thinking I might just have to email him.. and tell him to go read the email .. I know it's cowardly, then, again, I hide nothing.. a coward I AM for certain.. Pls. help.. anyone.. scared to death here.. he'll be home at 11:30.. I have to do it tonight before I change my mind..

rose

[shamen]

Rose,

 

It sounds as if you already know what to do. If you're ready for a break up, do it! And stay strong. Someone else mentioned that he is emotionally unavailable. I have to agree with them.

 

I've been with an alcoholic for the last 3 and 1/2 years and I finally got up the courage to end it with him. Lots of similar problems, promising one thing and then not getting it over and over and over. It's an endless cycle. You've been with this man for over a year and what has it gotten you? Do you feel like the relationship has broadened you, enlightened you?

 

If he's not ready to treat you right, then why waste your time on him, ya know?

[befuddled11]

Rose,my dear...the guy is not to be trusted. He's a player. Maybe he wasn't always, maybe he was, I don't know....but it's more than obvious that his profile on that singles site is more than active. He's continuing to change it. Why would he do that unless he's still LOOKING?

 

His unexplained absences for days at a time that PERSISTS....the fact that he is no longer making any plans on his days off to spend with you, yet figures he can "pacify you" with the odd "I LOVE YOU"....that is a crock of steaming hot horse manure.

 

The fact that he's on his instant messenger thingy......and would obviously SEE you're online, too...but he doesn't bother to drop the "woman he loves" an "Hi there, how are you?".....that is NOT the sign of someone to be trusted or invested in.

 

I'm a firm believer that relationships that develop through personal ads online, where each person lives a distance from the other.....9 out of 10 times: trouble. It's just far too easy for one person (and in my experience, it's usually the men) to continue playing the field, and keeping someone on the back-burner while they continue to surf.

 

I said it before, and I'll say it again....you're unable to be even the least bit objective here because you're entire being is wrapped up in this guy. Even the way you write about him, and your feeling toward him.........it's like you can't barely breathe without him. You're emotional happiness is based TOTALLY and ONLY on him. That's just not healthy.

 

I wish to God there was something I could write you, to get through to you....so that you could become much stronger and you would just "see the light" and stand up for yourself.......and to come to the conclusion that what you have here isn't really all that much.

 

The reason you're not willing to place a bogus ad there, to see if he responds isn't because you don't want to be "Untrusting"..it's because deep down your gut is TELLING YOU that you have every reason to not trust him....and you know, KNOW that he WOULD respond....and then you'd have to make a decision as to what you did then.

 

Hundreds and thousands of women (and men, I'm sure) have been in this situation...and did go the route of creating the bogus profile to see if their loved one took the bait......only to find out the truth, that the bait was taken, big time.

 

You have way more evidence than most people get.....that things aren't as they seem. You have the benefit (it really is) of SEEING with your own eyes, proof that he's still out there on the market and is shopping around.

 

It's just not healthy for you to focus your life around whether he mails you, or phones you, or IMs you. It's like you've become totally obsessed with him and you can't be happy without him, even if what he's giving you is pretty much nothing.

 

This response of his about you "not missing a trick"...what the h*ll is that about? Why didn't he bother to explain or elaborate on why he's edited this supposedly "old and unused" profile of his? I'll tell you why..because he knows you might be hurt but that you won't stand up to him and dump him. He knows your kindness and good nature and inability to get angry (and express it)...so he's like a kid in a candy store....having the time of his life.......having you to fall back on (if that), while he's out there being Mr Single Guy.

 

You seriously need to seek professional help.........and I can't say this enough. You seem very emotionally fragile, and totally unable to stand up for yourself and not take anything less than you deserve.

 

He's not worth it. You can't trust him. Look at this thread....look at all the pain and torture and chaos and stress you've expressed. Is this clown worth it?

 

He's just keeping you hanging on by a thread...tossing around the odd "I love you" and mentioning the "M" word......but what the hell do these words mean? It's actions that count.

 

Why can't you stand up for yourself? Would you want your daughters to be treated this way by a man? What would you say to them if they were being mistreated this way?

[moimeme]

I concur with Befuddled, though I wouldn't bother with the profile, etc.

 

Rose, whether or not he loves you - or says he does - is immaterial. He ignores you after you've asked not to be ignored. You negotiated with him and he's not fulfilled his end of the deal.

 

[color=red]MOST IMPORTANTLY[/color], Rose, you are far, far too wrapped up in him. Befuddled's right - it is not even slightly healthy. He is not good for you; or you are not in shape to be involved with him.

 

When you love, you must still be able to function as an independent adult. Yes, you can be affected by what your beloved does, but not so seriously that you are crushed and destroyed over his behaviour. In fact, I think it would be the worst disaster possible were you two to marry; you would disappear, completely buried in him.

 

He should absolutely have the decency of contacting you more often than he does. He may be some power-hungry wierdo who gets off on having someone like you dote on him. I had some hope that he was genuine, but you gave him the chance he deserved, and he's proven that he doesn't respect you enough to behave better toward you. This means he thinks he's got you so wrapped around his finger that he can do anything - which is exactly what he's been doing. He'd never expect you to ditch him - and when you try, oh he will promise you the moon. Tell him to fold it five ways and put it where the sun don't shine, Rose, and get yourself some help fast.

[aroseInLove]

i did it.. i broke up with him.. i don't believe it myself.. but i did it.. i'm not well.. but wanted to let you know I listened to all of you.. i know you're right.. but i'm so very devastated .. it feels like death to me.. i'll report back tomorrow..

[moimeme]

Be really good to yourself. You deserve it. I'm sorry, Rose. These things are wretched but life will, eventually, improve. Count on it.

[FreeMe]

Oh Rose, I'm so sorry. That was so brave and strong of you to do it though. Remembering what I went through when I broke away from my last boyfriend I can empathize with what you must be feeling. I had such bad anxiety at the end that I had to go on medication - I was literally physically ill and lost 10 pounds that I didn't need to lose. I would get anxiety if he did call and I would get anxiety if he didn't call. When I finally told him NOT to call then the expectation was gone and the anxiety subsided a lot. Of course, the meds helped too

 

At least you don't have to get used to not seeing him since he hasn't bothered giving you any of his time. I know it's hard, but it would be much worse if he lived in your area. I had to avoid areas where I knew my ex might be and I avoided my parents' summer house for a summer because he was across the street with his new girlfriend. Whatever it took to get him out of my mind I did it, and now I can see him with his woman and I couldn't care less. My only thought when I see him is relief that I got away from him. By the way, he still goes around telling people I was the love of his life (the ass - too bad he didn't treat me like that when he had me.) Anyway, it might be a good idea to take him off your buddy list so you won't know when he's online.

 

Let us know how you're doing. My thoughts are with you.

[brashgal]

Rose - I had missed this thread earlier this month. So much of this reminds me of my ex (my philandering ex). I think you did the right thing since he was not meeting your needs or even attempting to after you discussed them with him.

 

I'm so sorry and wish you speedy healing - be good to yourself!

[aroseInLove]

It's been around 24 hrs. ... one odd, nonchalant, very short, unemotional email.. says..

 

[font=arial][color=blue]Hi Rose....I was just thinking about you and wanted to make you laugh a little...I hope your day is going well...I'm heading down to Middletown to pick up a few things and get out for a while..I'll call you later....I lived on that darn phone for 2 days...I didn't want to even look at it today....but I will call you later...How did your meeting go with the guy who wanted to rent your house?........Love....Joe[/color][/font]

 

It's almost as if he doesn't 'get it'.. or thinks thinks it'll pass.. or this email was fired off around same time/or accidentally after I did the break up... the latter might be most likely the case.. Regardless.. makes no difference.. no calls came through since .... so, he's not breaking down my door that's for sure.. guess it's time to face head-on that ANY hope in his being genuine is lost.. This relationship was nothing more than a farse.. It's time to mourn that shattered dream of keeping that bond with his personal being.. ...it's real hard...thanks LSers for all your help.. I'd be lost and alone without ALL of you.. ..rose

[Becks84]

AROSEINLOVE-

I really recommend you read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". It's all about communication between the opposite sexes. You think you know it all...until you read this book!! I swear by it -- it has been so helpful to me. Check it out!

 

-becks

[aroseInLove]

Originally posted by Becks84

 

AROSEINLOVE-

I really recommend you read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". It's all about communication between the opposite sexes. You think you know it all...until you read this book!!

 

-becks

 

I WILL get the book... but, please, tell me.. Do you see something(s) I may have missed here? Even if I can't undo, I'd really like to know ... If anyone thinks I did wrong here, communication-wise.. or with anything else.. please also tell me.. I'd hate like hell to go thru this journey again..

 

Thanks,

Rose

[aroseInLove]

I'm telling you.. Love IS a BEAST of it's own breed.. it does hurt like crazy.. I still didn't LEARN 100%... I called him ONE time after... (sorry) .. yep.. he hung up on me... Imagine? He's ticked at me for breaking up with him.. I'm so thick for still wishing it wasn't the case it ended up to be.. those shattered dreams of a life with someone that just went 'poof!'.. but I'm healing.. getting mad one moment.. sappy to the point of ILL the next.. when I still want to pick up the phone a dozen times a day to call him... then, just at my weakest moment, this guy friend from a few years ago ..he's NO cop.. and it's a whole different world from the fast-paced world of murders and guns Joseph came home from.. though I shouldn't make excuses for his lack of concern or time for me.. This caller friend.. he's been following my trials and tribulations for a few years now.. (I've written about him here on LS recently) Anyway, he will call ironically just at my weakest moment.. when I'm near ready to pick up the phone to hear Joseph's voice.. and this friend will call.. I'll tell him what I was about to do.. he'll then keep me on the phone for hours ... yes, he has ulterior motives.. but I'm not ready.. still, he calls every night.. what a concept.. .. he assures me the guy does not care.. that if he didn't listen before.. he won't listen now.. he stays on the phone with me until it passes... I ache for all these people who don't have such a friend.. 'caller' to let the darkness pass.. .. I pray for all who don't know about LOVE SHACK.. as all of you were my miracle.. I pray for all who ache... we need to be free.. find our self worth all over again that seems to have been removed by this beast of dysfunctional sort of love.. I pray for all to be free of it...I have to share that, as I said to FreeMe.. I used her name.. it was so perfect... when I broke up with Joseph... since he's a cop.. I told him he was holding me prisoner, that I needed to "FreeMe" It's so true.. he did hold me prisoner... but worse yet, I was the gate-keeper.. and still am.. Thanks again.. and I don't plan to change my aroseInLove name.. I hope to find REAL love next round..

As for the avatar.. believe me, it's temporary.. just mailed home in a disposable camera.. I was writing about him in my financial post.. Imagine, this smaller 'camel spider' hissed fiercely at my son-in-law in Baghdad, Iraq as he tried to step on it while it was attempting to bite and kill him.. 'camel spiders' numb the skin with first bit of their injection so the person attacked won't know it if they were bitten.. Especially dangerous while sleeping.. .. only bullets or being thrown into a fire can kill these 'camel spiders' ..They sting and shoot fatal venom in their effort to draw massive amounts of blood that they live on.. He says they're plentiful and they're called 'camel spiders' because they attack the bellies of camels to draw the most blood in one object.

 

God Bless them all.. God Bless all LSers.. I mean it..

rose

[aroseInLove]

sorry guys.. just had to share this anti-male 'smile' just sent me from my friend Irish.. see.. it's funny .. sweet.. caring ... people that make us all well..

 

Rose,

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you...... > Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women have come to realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig.... just to get a little sausage.. Bye now, I

[magda]

yes, i love that! thanks for reminding me that joke- it is wonderful!

 

I've missed your thread since you broke up with him, Rose. I have to say I am proud of you! For a moment I almost doubted you were strong enough and you've surprised me with your strength! You are doing the right thing, I believe that. You are respecting yourself!