It's possible I might be done

[sunshinegirl]

I'm glad to hear you've reached a point of calm certainty of what you want to do. It won't be easy but I hope that your gut conviction will help you weather the sadness and challenges that will come along with ending the relationship.

 

I'm also happy to hear that you "feel" the relationship you want! That is, weirdly enough, what happened for me about two years ago. I could envision it, and even feel what it would be like. In fact, I remember reading a Martha Beck book on my way to a wedding in Oregon (Beck inspired most of my 'visioning' back then), and having a really strong sense of how that right relationship would make me feel. It was a big breakthrough for me. How strange that it turns out I had already met the man I was going to marry, although I didn't yet see him in romantic terms.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks for your support, SSG You know, I think there's a lot to be said for the "romantic" part to come in later, once you've already established compatibility and you find how much you enjoy his company. It's hard to stay objective when the romantic tingle comes into play; it's easy, under its influence, to invent all kinds of compatibility and enjoyment that's not really there!

 

I won't lie, I'm really nervous. I'm still out of town and very much enjoying myself save for this gnawing dread of what I face when I go home. I do feel that this is the right thing to do, and the only healthy "progression" I can envision for this relationship. I have given this a lot of consideration...too much consideration, even. I recognize that I should have ended it much sooner, although I can understand why I didn't. One lesson learned, I think, is that it's better to walk away at the FIRST manifestation of intolerable behavior, especially when you call the person out on it and they offer a slew of justifications. That gives you the freedom to move on with your life, and them the ability to reflect on their behavior. Exiting gives the clear message that you won't stand for certain behaviors--a clear message to yourself as well as to the other person.

 

What I am most afraid of: N's reaction. I'm afraid he's going to get really angry and any trust he ever had towards me will close right up and our inevitable encounters in this small town will be absolutely miserable. If he gets really mad, then it will be impossible to keep up with his family because he will need them to take a firm stand on his side.

 

I also dread giving hurtful news. He's all excited for my return and I don't want to give off that anything is wrong because it will force the conversation on the phone rather than in person when I return. We haven't spoken much these past few weeks as I'd told him before I left that I wanted some space.

 

Anyway, just rambling, hoping that if I share this on LS that some of the dread-weight in my chest will let up.

[sunshinegirl]

What I am most afraid of: N's reaction. I'm afraid he's going to get really angry and any trust he ever had towards me will close right up and our inevitable encounters in this small town will be absolutely miserable. If he gets really mad, then it will be impossible to keep up with his family because he will need them to take a firm stand on his side.

 

GC, if this is true, I hope you can eventually see it as additional confirmation that you're making a healthy choice for yourself. It doesn't sound like he will handle the breakup like a mature adult.

[Zapbasket]

Exactly, SSG. It's not that I'm SURE he's going to respond badly, it's the not being able to predict how he will react. It's that unpredictibilty that has kept me so off-balance throughout this relationship, always feeling vaguely unsafe.

[Zapbasket]

I return home today. That means I have to break the news either later today, or tomorrow.

 

I'm losing my nerve. I actually had to re-read the threads I wrote about this relationship to remind myself how I have gotten to the point where I feel breaking up is the best move.

 

If I so easily have "forgotten" my frustration with this relationship over the three weeks we have been apart, does that suggest the issues I've raised in this and other threads are not "enough" to end the relationship?

 

I think I know the answer to that. I'm just really nervous. It's very hard for me to give up on people and relationships. But I know that in the past, I've held on to relationships when it would have been better to have let go.

 

There's a part of me that's being very defeatist right now, saying that at nearly 35 years old, with the ending of yet ANOTHER relationship...what if I'm someone who isn't capable of having a good relationship? Another part of me writes this off as ridiculous; I'm not sure which part is right.

 

What if my wanting to end this relationship indicates some kind of commitment-phobia on my part? I tried to imagine just now how I'd feel if this relationship were going really well, and I envisioned feeling some fear as my career feels uncertain right now and I've taken a number of financial hits over the past couple of years. But then I envisioned that if I were in a healthier relationship, these fears would have their place but they wouldn't make me want to leave the relationship.

 

Bear with me; this is a new move for me, ending a relationship. Any advice for keeping up my nerve is appreciated.

[sunshinegirl]

All right, GC, you're hesitating because of fear. And not fear that you're letting go of a great relationship; it's fear of being alone. Not fear that you won't find someone as great as him; it's fear of the unknown.

 

Don't let that fear trap you in a bad relationship that makes you feel unsafe and unhappy. Keep reviewing your threads, but only to shore up your confidence that you're doing the right thing. Don't start imagining some fictitious commitment-phobia on your part (hello, blaming yourself) that causes you to stick around for more bad treatment.

 

I am only willing to call it commitment-phobia when you're with a fantastic partner who's everything you ever wanted, and you want to walk away even then. Short of that, not wanting to commit to someone who treats you badly is a healthy, self-protective decision!

[Zapbasket]

Thanks, SSG. I needed to hear that.

 

I think one thing that makes this so hard is the fact that my relationship with his family IS healthy--I feel more at ease with them collectively than I have felt with anyone or any group of people in a long time, certainly than I have felt with anyone I have met since moving out west. I feel confident in their liking of me; his mom calls me often to check in on me, she and her family are kind and helpful and have been so from the beginning. I understand that even in the best scenario, family is family, and with me not being N's girlfriend any longer, things WILL change. I can accept that, but it makes me so sad, since I really would love to have them as my in-laws.

 

And it makes me angry that N. has behaved so immaturely as to not recognize that there are more people involved here than just he and I. It angers ("angers" isn't quite the right word) me that in the end, HE retains that wonderful family and I once again have to be alone.

 

It's hard not to feel like I must deserve to be alone since I keep winding up that way. I am so envious that he will be nurtured through this breakup by a whole coterie of family who all live nearby, and I have to strike out again all on my own

 

I know I'm feeling sorry for myself. It's just such a bummer that something healthy and good--that really means a lot to me out here--had to come alloyed with something (N. and our relationship) that ultimately is untenable. It sets up this paradox in my mind: if one aspect is so healthy and good, then how could the other aspect be so bad?

 

I think that right there has been what's kept me in this relationship for so long, despite a YEAR of unease.

 

I feel like I want to burrow my head under my bed-covers and not come out. I'm sure I'll manage to face it all head-on, though...I always do.

 

Because (yes, feeling sorry for myself still) I ALWAYS have to be the strong, and alone, one.

[maniktwin]

I've spent the memorial day weekend reading your thread. It's kept me fascinated and enthralled. I am sorry that I've been using your story as a way for me to make changes in my life. I also learned about a book that has been helpful in my life. I just want to tell you that I live in a small NCAL town and now, I am thinking of you. I hope the best for you. You are a thinker. And that's rare. You are a treasure and don't forget that. You helped me.

[sunshinegirl]

So GC, how are things with you today?