Author NickFeek Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 i know i am the person today because of the experiences i have had - but i don't focus on that ----> i only look forward - and that helps me to understand what i only need to do today. to look back has only been useful for me - in understanding what i NO LONGER want to do... from understanding what hasn't worked for me. then i never DO those things again - because i have evidence that they weren't working =for me. maybe you two could find out what HASN'T worked for you/the M - and be sure NEVER to DO those things again? then consider trying anything new that you both agree to - that may work... since i know what i'm not going to do - it helps me to siphon those things out - and give consideration to new ways to be happy. i was taught a few years back - not to ask WHY... mainly because it keeps me in my past (and my past didn't work for me). i was taught to ask myself HOW i can never make it look like THAT again! when i ask myself that - i get busy making sure i don't go back to old behaviors and patterns that got me that life i hated living. so, the question may be - ask HOW instead of why... I have found through therapy & self reflection that understanding HOW I came to be who I am - for me - very often includes the WHY. I don't think it's productive or even realistic to try to unravel ALL of one's past, but the things I've identified have helped me to defuse a TON of what I was carrying around & responding to, and that process has given me the tools to be a stronger & better person. This includes both me as a person and the marriage. We are finding out why we have mishandled things in the past, and are using that to figure out how we can avoid those patterns in the future.
trippi1432 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) To answer your last question, what I'm finding is the more she & I are able to bond & reconnect, and to feel some sense of hope & positivity for the future, the more I regret what I did. All of the haze of the affair has worn off, and I'm seeing that I entered into a period of months (close to a year if you count the pre-affair connecting) when I was deliberately creating another world for myself, deliberately drifting & shutting my wife out. I had given up on our marriage. If I had it to do again, I would not make that mistake. Yes, I think that when you first came here you were very much still in affair fog.....and yes, I do believe that many people do give up on their marriage and find outlets...create their own world to go into and shut out or shut off. What you are explaining is not just something that people who have affairs do, it is also what people who are in abusive relationships do as well, or people who feel under-valued do...etc. They create a "safe" place to live in their own world, a place where they are appreciated, respected, valued and loved. Now, while we see this from your point of view....where do you think your wife was as well....perhaps she felt the same way and created her own "safe" place (work) where she felt the same things you felt you were missing. This is the marriage dynamic when two people forget how to freely give and love in a relationship, forget how to be intimate with each other's feelings, in their fears, in their hopes, in their happiness. Stalemate.... But if I'm being completely honest, a shocker like what I perpetrated is probably what I needed to kick myself out of the quiet desperation & resignation I'd been living in for most of my adult life. I know there are healthier ways to do that, but it's kind of like hitting rock bottom & then bouncing up. I am almost 100% positive I would never have pursued the kinds of changes & improvements desperately needed in our marriage if things had just gone on as normal. I am IN NO WAY justifying what I did, just using some hindsight to describe the effects. And this includes both changes I needed to make AND changes she needs to make - really as a whole all the things we've been living with and/or doing without that have damaged & eroded our marriage. And while this is hindsight, there is a shocker to you...and a bomb to her. So even though there are some positives in your circumstance....and I am not accusing you of justifying....there is still the culpability of your lack of intimacy with your wife as much as hers. Some people can hit rock bottom and still not go outside of their marriage to create that. So short answer is yes I regret what I did & still wish I could undo it. But I am grateful for both the effects it's had AND for my wife's dedication despite it. Hopefully this is something you tell her every day. And in turn, she might start coming out of her "safe" place and the two of your can create a "safe" place together. We are finding out why we have mishandled things in the past, and are using that to figure out how we can avoid those patterns in the future. Yes, this is good....because there is no "I" in a marriage...that winds up with only one person getting their needs met and denotes punishing the other partner. It's good to work on just you and what you won't put up with or repeat in the past...but you both do it together and come to agreement and resolution. That's working on a marriage, a partnership and takes it to a new level to leave the old marriage behind and begins a new one. If YOU really want change, it's really going to take a good amount of humbleness, lowering of pride, being vulnerable and sacrifice to get there....and it isn't the woman who needs to bend, it's BOTH of you. Edited August 11, 2011 by trippi1432
Lexygirl Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 What we're BOTH working towards is a different way to BE in this marriage, and a different paradigm - one that is healthier, more open & honest. It's only been recently I've felt like we've both "moved to the center" on that - each figuring out what we need to do to make this work, and ways to do it as a team & not a "two sides calling a truce" method. THIS ^^^^ When healing a relationship, it is SO very important to see yourselves as a 'team' working together. It just changes your whole outlook on the situation. Good on you for seeing this, Nick !.
Author NickFeek Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 Yes, I think that when you first came here you were very much still in affair fog.....and yes, I do believe that many people do give up on their marriage and find outlets...create their own world to go into and shut out or shut off. What you are explaining is not just something that people who have affairs do, it is also what people who are in abusive relationships do as well, or people who feel under-valued do...etc. They create a "safe" place to live in their own world, a place where they are appreciated, respected, valued and loved. This rings so true to me. Long before the affair, for so many years, I created many safe places in my daily existence. Of all kinds - neutral, constructive, and destructive. But what they all had in common was avoidance of our marital issues. Now, while we see this from your point of view....where do you think your wife was as well....perhaps she felt the same way and created her own "safe" place (work) where she felt the same things you felt you were missing. This is the marriage dynamic when two people forget how to freely give and love in a relationship, forget how to be intimate with each other's feelings, in their fears, in their hopes, in their happiness. Stalemate.... That is exactly right, and what I'm finding lately is that we are BOTH seeing how we did that. I'm also finding that the more respect I give her needs, and the more care & effort, the better able she is to see the ways in which her M.O. has been hurting us as well, and she is more willing to come to the table. And while this is hindsight, there is a shocker to you...and a bomb to her. So even though there are some positives in your circumstance....and I am not accusing you of justifying....there is still the culpability of your lack of intimacy with your wife as much as hers. Some people can hit rock bottom and still not go outside of their marriage to create that. No question. I had more than one choice, and while I will say I took MANY of those other choices in the past & could not seem to get them to work out, that does not excuse me choosing to cheat & lie. Hopefully this is something you tell her every day. And in turn, she might start coming out of her "safe" place and the two of your can create a "safe" place together. I think my willingness to hear her out & understand more is helping her to feel safer. And as I said above, it's also putting in stark relief the ways in which she avoids our issues. Without me berating & pleading & yelling, she is seeing that how she acts is NOT JUST a function of how I've treated her. This to me is key in our being able to see things as a team. Yes, this is good....because there is no "I" in a marriage...that winds up with only one person getting their needs met and denotes punishing the other partner. It's good to work on just you and what you won't put up with or repeat in the past...but you both do it together and come to agreement and resolution. That's working on a marriage, a partnership and takes it to a new level to leave the old marriage behind and begins a new one. If YOU really want change, it's really going to take a good amount of humbleness, lowering of pride, being vulnerable and sacrifice to get there....and it isn't the woman who needs to bend, it's BOTH of you. We are both reactionary people, in that if one of us gets combative, chances are the other will too. So if I continue to take the initiative in compromising & being more humble & respectful, I think she will follow. And if she doesn't she will at least continue to see even more clearly what things on her end are not working.
Author NickFeek Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 THIS ^^^^ When healing a relationship, it is SO very important to see yourselves as a 'team' working together. It just changes your whole outlook on the situation. Good on you for seeing this, Nick !. Thanks Lexygirl. I can be stubborn & slow to adapt, but I get there eventually! And you're right, the whole outlook is changing. I don't feel quite as strong as I did months ago, but I think that's a good thing because it was making me strident & inflexible. We both need to break down the pride & defenses like this, and though it's much less safe & comfortable, it feels truer & more like change.
2sunny Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Posted by NickFeek So short answer is yes I regret what I did & still wish I could undo it. But I am grateful for both the effects it's had AND for my wife's dedication despite it. Originally Posted by trippi1432 Hopefully this is something you tell her every day. And in turn, she might start coming out of her "safe" place and the two of your can create a "safe" place together. Posted by NickFeek I think my willingness to hear her out & understand more is helping her to feel safer. And as I said above, it's also putting in stark relief the ways in which she avoids our issues. Without me berating & pleading & yelling, she is seeing that how she acts is NOT JUST a function of how I've treated her. This to me is key in our being able to see things as a team. what i'm noticing - and it's glaringly obvious... is that you never actually acknowledge IF YOU tell her everyday! then you moved immediately to blaming HER for avoiding the issues. Nick, this IS your pattern. stop focusing on the negative energy between you two - and grow the positive energy bigger. you moved away from actually answering whether you tell her every day that you appreciate her... that's a simple, positive gesture - and you seem unwilling to say yes or no to whether or not you actually DO this simple act of kindness. own how you behave - own what words you are using - are you focused on growing the positive energy bigger? or are you staying silent when you COULD be using words of love and encouragement?
Author NickFeek Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 what i'm noticing - and it's glaringly obvious... is that you never actually acknowledge IF YOU tell her everyday! then you moved immediately to blaming HER for avoiding the issues. Nick, this IS your pattern. stop focusing on the negative energy between you two - and grow the positive energy bigger. you moved away from actually answering whether you tell her every day that you appreciate her... that's a simple, positive gesture - and you seem unwilling to say yes or no to whether or not you actually DO this simple act of kindness. own how you behave - own what words you are using - are you focused on growing the positive energy bigger? or are you staying silent when you COULD be using words of love and encouragement? Good point. Yes, we've both made a point of being more positive throughout our days & nights, trying to emphasize times when we do things that help, etc. For example, my wife came home last night & gave me a giant break from our little guy, gave the boys baths, did summer homework, etc. I thanked her. Just one example of many.
2sunny Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 that is good to hear! no need to with hold the love - and loving words! tell her you enjoy her being home and you love her!
Author NickFeek Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 that is good to hear! no need to with hold the love - and loving words! tell her you enjoy her being home and you love her! These are suggestions the therapist has been giving too, simple things we forget to do among all the madness of daily life. We're both doing more of this.
2sunny Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 what i'm noticing - and it's glaringly obvious... is that you never actually acknowledge IF YOU tell her everyday! then you moved immediately to blaming HER for avoiding the issues. Nick, this IS your pattern. stop focusing on the negative energy between you two - and grow the positive energy bigger. you moved away from actually answering whether you tell her every day that you appreciate her... that's a simple, positive gesture - and you seem unwilling to say yes or no to whether or not you actually DO this simple act of kindness. own how you behave - own what words you are using - are you focused on growing the positive energy bigger? or are you staying silent when you COULD be using words of love and encouragement? Good point. Yes, we've both made a point of being more positive throughout our days & nights, trying to emphasize times when we do things that help, etc. For example, my wife came home last night & gave me a giant break from our little guy, gave the boys baths, did summer homework, etc. I thanked her. Just one example of many. see here? i've ONLY asked about YOU - and how YOU are participating... and you immediately made it into WE! this really is about how YOU participate Nick... and you constantly need to make it about including her... and being at the mercy of what she may or may not be doing. this is about YOU! you can only control you - let her worry about herself... you DOING what is right will take care of the rest!
2sunny Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 We're both doing more of this. These are suggestions the therapist has been giving too, simple things we forget to do among all the madness of daily life. We're both doing more of this. more of the same... :rolleyes:
Author NickFeek Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 more of the same... :rolleyes: I see what you're saying. Really I'm just pointing out that she is participating in these changes as well, which I think is essential. Plus I have to continue to think of us as a team during this period, or I'll revert back to being defensive & attacking.
2sunny Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 NickFeek;3562586]I see what you're saying. no - you don't - based on what you say next. MY happiness is NOT based on what OTHERS are DOING or NOT DOING. your's appears to be based on your wife. i am healthy - ALL ON MY OWN! - then i OFFER MY HEALTHY SELF TO OTHERS. this has absolutely NOTHING to do with ANYONE else! most people i interact with are severely broken, lost and would rather die than get well. some of what I HAVE and OFFER to them seems to get transferred over to them. YES, we CAN transmit energy - both negative and positive. Really I'm just pointing out that she is participating in these changes as well, which I think is essential. essential to HER well being - but YOU are separate Nick. IF you get and stay in a healthy mind set - she may feel that and want it too. Plus I have to continue to think of us as a team during this period, or I'll revert back to being defensive & attacking. defensive and attacking? that is never useful... no one here recommended that you go back to THAT. pay attention to YOU! what are YOU say and DOING? be completely accountable for YOUR words, actions, movements and the energy YOU give off to others! every single things means SOMETHING! are you kind and loving to all? what is it you are DOING to project THAT - to send THAT clear and CONCISE message to others? no need to with hold the love - loving actions, loving words, loving tone of voice... it helps! i tend to get back what i put out there... for instance - i'm saying things here to you - but if you could HEAR my voice it would make a difference, most likely... as my voice tends to be filled with a soft compassion - loving and kind and sweet - but firm enough to convey a message that has concern for your well being.
soserious1 Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 (edited) Good point. Yes, we've both made a point of being more positive throughout our days & nights, trying to emphasize times when we do things that help, etc. For example, my wife came home last night & gave me a giant break from our little guy, gave the boys baths, did summer homework, etc. I thanked her. Just one example of many. Why would you "thank" her for coming home and attending to her children? what you should have done was mentioned that the laundry needed doing or the kitchen floor needed cleaning, keep it real here Nick, she needs to continue bringing home the money at her current level while also stepping up her care of home & kids to at least 50 percent. She's not some Queen, she's a wife and mother who's been neglecting her kids & her home & she's well aware of it.Don't thank her for doing what she should have been doing all along, it will only ring as sarcasm, increase her level of guilt. Edited August 11, 2011 by soserious1
2sunny Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 simply state to her that you love her. THAT shouldn't change whether she's doing what you find acceptable - or not. my love for others doesn't change - i can find their behavior completely unacceptable to me - and still love them and still tell them that. what someone ELSE is or isn't doing doesn't have any affect on whether or not i tell them how much i love them.
Afishwithabike Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Good point. Yes, we've both made a point of being more positive throughout our days & nights, trying to emphasize times when we do things that help, etc. For example, my wife came home last night & gave me a giant break from our little guy, gave the boys baths, did summer homework, etc. I thanked her. Just one example of many. What she did is called good parenting and she has a 50% responsibility for it. They are also her children. She's not their babysitter. She's not someone you pay to watch the kids. She's their parent. I get why you thanked her, but I also don't think it was necessary. She's not doing you a favor by doing her own part to raise the children. Dr appointments, baths, homework, play time, parent teacher conferences, sick kids, kids birthday parties, extracurricular events..should be shared by both parents.
Author NickFeek Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 no - you don't - based on what you say next. MY happiness is NOT based on what OTHERS are DOING or NOT DOING. your's appears to be based on your wife. i am healthy - ALL ON MY OWN! - then i OFFER MY HEALTHY SELF TO OTHERS. this has absolutely NOTHING to do with ANYONE else! most people i interact with are severely broken, lost and would rather die than get well. some of what I HAVE and OFFER to them seems to get transferred over to them. YES, we CAN transmit energy - both negative and positive. essential to HER well being - but YOU are separate Nick. IF you get and stay in a healthy mind set - she may feel that and want it too. defensive and attacking? that is never useful... no one here recommended that you go back to THAT. pay attention to YOU! what are YOU say and DOING? be completely accountable for YOUR words, actions, movements and the energy YOU give off to others! every single things means SOMETHING! are you kind and loving to all? what is it you are DOING to project THAT - to send THAT clear and CONCISE message to others? no need to with hold the love - loving actions, loving words, loving tone of voice... it helps! i tend to get back what i put out there... for instance - i'm saying things here to you - but if you could HEAR my voice it would make a difference, most likely... as my voice tends to be filled with a soft compassion - loving and kind and sweet - but firm enough to convey a message that has concern for your well being. I appreciate you describing your vocal delivery - no question I prefer face to face contact over anything else, mainly because of all the emotion & physical cues that are missed in emails, etc. I'm not saying anyone suggested I be defensive. I'm just saying that's where I tend to go when I separate myself from my wife's concerns. It becomes more of a tit for tat thing. I hear you, but it's just not possible for me to completely cut myself off from her emotional states. I have learned not to ride the same roller coaster she's on, but what she does or doesn't do DOES affect me.
Author NickFeek Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 Why would you "thank" her for coming home and attending to her children? what you should have done was mentioned that the laundry needed doing or the kitchen floor needed cleaning, keep it real here Nick, she needs to continue bringing home the money at her current level while also stepping up her care of home & kids to at least 50 percent. She's not some Queen, she's a wife and mother who's been neglecting her kids & her home & she's well aware of it.Don't thank her for doing what she should have been doing all along, it will only ring as sarcasm, increase her level of guilt. It's not so much thanking her for attending to the kids as it is her putting in extra time with them at night, beyond what she normally does, so I have extra time to myself to recuperate. I'm going with positive reinforcement, as opposed to the complaining or insistence I usually do, in hopes that it will become a good habit for her.
Author NickFeek Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 What she did is called good parenting and she has a 50% responsibility for it. They are also her children. She's not their babysitter. She's not someone you pay to watch the kids. She's their parent. I get why you thanked her, but I also don't think it was necessary. She's not doing you a favor by doing her own part to raise the children. Dr appointments, baths, homework, play time, parent teacher conferences, sick kids, kids birthday parties, extracurricular events..should be shared by both parents. When I'm at work on Saturday, she is with the kids by herself, so much of the hours she can't pull during the week are made up for on Saturday. I DO agree the thanking in a good situation is excessive & unnecessary. But we're not in a good situation here. I'm trying to establish good patterns, and to reinforce in a good way what helps me & feels good for me, so she'll understand clearly, as opposed to me grumbling and just expecting her to know.
soserious1 Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 It's not so much thanking her for attending to the kids as it is her putting in extra time with them at night, beyond what she normally does, so I have extra time to myself to recuperate. I'm going with positive reinforcement, as opposed to the complaining or insistence I usually do, in hopes that it will become a good habit for her. Nick, judging from the timeline of events that you've laid out, your wife had a 3rd baby & basically abandoned him to the care of yourself & strangers at a daycare center, coming home night after night after night well after 10pm when you have an infant is inexcusable, if she needs to be thanked in order to get into the habit of actually caring for the people she chose to give birth too, she's got bigger problems than we can help with here. Thank her for seriously listening to you? for starting to address your valid concerns regarding her mothering? yes! thank her for finally stepping up, getting off her office chair long enough to give a bath or read a bedtime story? a resounding NO! from me. My only serious criticism of your wife is this, knowing how nuts her hours are, how demanding her career is, why on earth did she choose to have a 3rd baby only to essentially abandon him to the care of others?
Author NickFeek Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 Nick, judging from the timeline of events that you've laid out, your wife had a 3rd baby & basically abandoned him to the care of yourself & strangers at a daycare center, coming home night after night after night well after 10pm when you have an infant is inexcusable, if she needs to be thanked in order to get into the habit of actually caring for the people she chose to give birth too, she's got bigger problems than we can help with here. Thank her for seriously listening to you? for starting to address your valid concerns regarding her mothering? yes! thank her for finally stepping up, getting off her office chair long enough to give a bath or read a bedtime story? a resounding NO! from me. My only serious criticism of your wife is this, knowing how nuts her hours are, how demanding her career is, why on earth did she choose to have a 3rd baby only to essentially abandon him to the care of others? Deep down I do agree that to have to thank her for these things shows the lack of balance in our home. But I'm trying to see everything from her perspective, at least for a while, so I can really understand where she's coming from and what she's going through. I know she's conflicted about her life, and it's largely because she'd much rather be at home with the kids. So as her partner I'm trying to positively reinforce when she DOES do right by the family. She has said that when I was at my worst & most critical, she really just did not want to be at home. Part of my effort is to establish a positive atmosphere in the home, so then ostensibly she'll want to be there AND she'll have no excuse other than being a workaholic. To correct some things.... We employ a babysitter in our home. We have never had reason or a desire to put them in a daycare center (just not for us, though perfectly fine). And she's not abandoning them per se. She's trusting her spouse - the other parent who does not work as many hours - to fill in when she can't be there. I would love for the balance to shift, but in the mean time I feel like I'm basically picking up the slack for my lower income. Do I believe she should work less & be home more? YES. Would I like a little less time with the kids, and more time alone and/or with her? YES. Would I also like to make more money so she can pull back on her hours (assuming she'd even do that)? YES. And we're working towards all of that. Do I still get pissed when she comes home late at least 4 nights a week? YES YES. DO I believe she has it in her to adjust her schedule & her work demands to achieve better balance? I really DON'T KNOW. That remains to be seen.
soserious1 Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 (edited) Nick, across the globe millions of mother arise at 5am in order to be sure their kids have fresh clothing laid out, lunches packed, a hot breakfast put in front them, they then don their high heeled steppers & trot off to their jobs, putting in a full 100 % effort there to enrich their family coffers, finally to dash home, ferry kids to/fro activities, help with homework, baths, they read stories, hear bedtime prayers, then retreat to clean the house, do the laundry and then maybe taking an hour to work on a longer term work project before retiring to bed around midnight. They don't dump their kids on the nanny 18 hours a day or shove all the direct parenting responsibility for their babies off on their husbands . Sorry but your wife gets ZERO sympathy from me when it comes to the kids or her so called 'conflicts" about her life, she's known for quite a few years that she is the family's major breadwinner, she's bright enough to become a lawyer, one would think she'd be bright enough to figure out after baby number two, that the hours required by her career are not compatible with family life, she says she wants more time with her kids but her actions in the past say there's nothing she wants less. Sorry but I have zero empathy for smart people who make bad choices that negatively impact those who are helpless to do anything about it. Your wife in choosing to have the 3rd baby & essentially abandon him fails squarely in that category. Edited August 11, 2011 by soserious1
Lexygirl Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Nick, positive reinforcement makes alot of sense... we all need that. BUT instead of saying "Thank you" (which I agree seems a bit off when talking about something that she should automatically be doing)... what about saying to her "You are such a wonderful mother" or giving her a huge smile while she is doing something with them? This gives her the praise you want to convey without making her feel like she is doing something out of the ordinary. I think you are doing an amazing job Keep up the good work !
Author NickFeek Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Nick, across the globe millions of mother arise at 5am in order to be sure their kids have fresh clothing laid out, lunches packed, a hot breakfast put in front them, they then don their high heeled steppers & trot off to their jobs, putting in a full 100 % effort there to enrich their family coffers, finally to dash home, ferry kids to/fro activities, help with homework, baths, they read stories, hear bedtime prayers, then retreat to clean the house, do the laundry and then maybe taking an hour to work on a longer term work project before retiring to bed around midnight. They don't dump their kids on the nanny 18 hours a day or shove all the direct parenting responsibility for their babies off on their husbands . Sorry but your wife gets ZERO sympathy from me when it comes to the kids or her so called 'conflicts" about her life, she's known for quite a few years that she is the family's major breadwinner, she's bright enough to become a lawyer, one would think she'd be bright enough to figure out after baby number two, that the hours required by her career are not compatible with family life, she says she wants more time with her kids but her actions in the past say there's nothing she wants less. Sorry but I have zero empathy for smart people who make bad choices that negatively impact those who are helpless to do anything about it. Your wife in choosing to have the 3rd baby & essentially abandon him fails squarely in that category. This is actually very helpful, because of how specific it is. Let me paint a clearer picture. On school days, my wife does all lunches, splits breakfast & clothes with me. She does baths about half the time, puts at least one of the kids to bed every night. She is not usually home early enough to help with homework, but she does at least half of the studying for tests help, and helps with homework on weekends. She does read to & play with our little one often, though not every day. She does at least half of the laundry in any given week. There are cleaning jobs she does that I never do, and vice versa, so that's fairly balanced. As for the third kid, we're certainly not sorry to have him, but we are looking forward to him starting school full time next year, which will help balance out MY hours with the kids at least, and save lots of money on babysitting that we could then be using for more leisure activities for the two of us. All in all it's a mixed back. I stand by my usual argument that my only real beef is not with the division of labor but with her inability to cut at least a handful of hours off her work schedule each week.
Author NickFeek Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Nick, positive reinforcement makes alot of sense... we all need that. BUT instead of saying "Thank you" (which I agree seems a bit off when talking about something that she should automatically be doing)... what about saying to her "You are such a wonderful mother" or giving her a huge smile while she is doing something with them? This gives her the praise you want to convey without making her feel like she is doing something out of the ordinary. I think you are doing an amazing job Keep up the good work ! That's a good idea, and something I do now & then, though not necessarily in those words. Thanks! Can't say I've reached a consistent level of positivity yet, but I'm getting there.
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