He sabotaged 1st date showed late and drunk. 1st email included and more to come

[orion1010]

I have gone to not contact with this guy. We no longer talk. Trust me.. I do agree with everyone that this is best. I in no way think his actions are ok.

 

I just can't wait to see who my next date will be! I'm thinking of signing up on a dating site for my first time but can't seem to take the step yet. I'm not really into meeting guys at bars and work full-time.. 2nd shift so things get hard in terms of meeting new guys.. I workout at work and it's dead there by the time I get done with work so meeting guys at the gym is not happening.

 

Any advice to put myself out there again would be appreciated. Any dating tips? How do you date? What is proper dating etiquette? I'm lost!

[betterdeal]

What would be your first impression on this entire thing? More to come b/c I did agree to a second date but I have to get ready for work and don't have much more time.. I will post our next few emails and explain more.. We have hung out three times since and I want to first know your initial impression before I post more. Perhaps, I will just keep this thread going as a log for the first guy I've dated in over three years.

 

My impression is he's a flake, inauthentic, and quite dull too. If you want an upsy-downsy relationship with crap sex, he's your man.

[orion1010]

My impression is he's a flake, inauthentic, and quite dull too. If you want an upsy-downsy relationship with crap sex, he's your man.

 

I did get that impression of him in my gut and knew all along what kind of guy he was emotionally. Sexually... I didn't sleep with him to save self respect but I'm sure it would be crap. Like I said.. I went with it for extertainment value and to force myself to take the first step into the dating world after over 3 years. What I'm saying may sound selfish or childish, but it's the truth.

[Eeyore79]

thanks... you've been way too nice, and I do owe something to you for that. So I decided that I'll give you my body for free since I usually make people pay. You can do anything with it that you please but I do have 3 rules:

 

1) No anal, please and thank you.

2) The safe word is "Cleopatra"

3) You do not talk about fight club.

 

I don't know where I am going with this, but I am in a fun mood right now so I just wanted to write something fun. I hope you like fun. If so, I would like to have fun together with you.

 

OKBYE!

Oh. My. God. How could you see this guy again after he sent an email like that? He's clearly only interested in sex; it's totally inappropriate to send a sexual email like that to a woman you hardly know.

 

To be honest, the first date was one huge red flag. He turned up late and drunk (at which point I would not have let him in). He threatened to rape you. Then he vanished without even apologizing when he sobered up. I would not have given this man a second chance, but he talked you into it... and then he dropped that email on you!!! That sort of email would be a red flag even if I'd been dating the guy for six months!

 

I think you really need to work on increasing your self esteem and setting some respectable boundaries before you date anyone else.

[betterdeal]

I did get that impression of him in my gut and knew all along what kind of guy he was emotionally. Sexually... I didn't sleep with him to save self respect but I'm sure it would be crap. Like I said.. I went with it for extertainment value and to force myself to take the first step into the dating world after over 3 years. What I'm saying may sound selfish or childish, but it's the truth.

 

I don't think it sounds selfish or childish. You sound pretty clear-headed about it and did what you wanted to do. He's all bonnet no bollocks if you ask me. You'd have had great sex and been squealing like a stuck pig otherwise. Having been a drunk driver who talked the talk but didn't walk the walk, I'm pretty well-placed to hazard a guess at what he's like.

 

Still, sounds like a good anecdote to add to your back-story.

[Andy_K]

He didn't 'threaten' to rape her. It was more likely meant to be a joke/throwaway comment.

[orion1010]

Oh. My. God. How could you see this guy again after he sent an email like that? He's clearly only interested in sex; it's totally inappropriate to send a sexual email like that to a woman you hardly know.

 

To be honest, the first date was one huge red flag. He turned up late and drunk (at which point I would not have let him in). He threatened to rape you. Then he vanished without even apologizing when he sobered up. I would not have given this man a second chance, but he talked you into it... and then he dropped that email on you!!! That sort of email would be a red flag even if I'd been dating the guy for six months!

 

I think you really need to work on increasing your self esteem and setting some respectable boundaries before you date anyone else.

 

OMG is what I thought. That's why I shared this entire experience on here. Just my luck, my first dating experience after a LTR is this!! Me and this guy have a mutual friend. I told her about these things/comments before seeing him again and I trusted her when she said he's a joker. "It's his sense of humor" "he's shy" blah blah blah.. I went off her word before the second date.

 

It's like the guy has no boundries.. He invited me to go out of town with him to spend time with his friends and go to a concert. I told him I hardly know him and can't go. Last time I saw him, he was sitting in my driveway waiting for me to get home from work unannounced. I was late coming home from work and there he is.. sitting in his black creepy care waiting for me. no call asking to come over. I was told by my friend he's harmless but my gut said otherwise. That's why there in no contact between us.

 

This entire dating experience was all within a 10 day span.. Just crazy. That's why I wanted to share. I'm not a drunk like him or mentally unhealthy. I'm just getting my footing in the dating world. I made mistakes. I can see that.

[betterdeal]

I very much doubt he can get an erection never mind rape someone.

[sunshinegirl]

That is SOO hilarious that the first time you meet him, he couldnt even hide his addiction, and you and you said "eh, Ill deal with it."

 

More than that, the OP invited him into her bed later that same evening.

 

Agree w/ 2sunny that:

counseling might help you find out why you are CHOOSING to participate in all these unhealthy situations.

 

It bears repeating that the whole situation could have been avoided had the OP canceled the date when he showed up drunk!

[betterdeal]

Maybe she likes drunks?

[orion1010]

Oh. My. God. How could you see this guy again after he sent an email like that? He's clearly only interested in sex; it's totally inappropriate to send a sexual email like that to a woman you hardly know.

 

To be honest, the first date was one huge red flag. He turned up late and drunk (at which point I would not have let him in). He threatened to rape you. Then he vanished without even apologizing when he sobered up. I would not have given this man a second chance, but he talked you into it... and then he dropped that email on you!!! That sort of email would be a red flag even if I'd been dating the guy for six months!

 

I think you really need to work on increasing your self esteem and setting some respectable boundaries before you date anyone else.

 

More than that, the OP invited him into her bed later that same evening.

 

Agree w/ 2sunny that:

 

 

It bears repeating that the whole situation could have been avoided had the OP canceled the date when he showed up drunk!

 

This is laughable. Everyone on this site is quick to suggest counceling. His issues are not my own. Just b/c I let a sorry excuse for a date sleep off his drunken stooper in my bed does not mean I don't have any boundaries or lack of self respect. I also thought of the fact that if I did kick him out in that state, he may kill himself or someone else driving.

 

How many people on here has had a drunken one night stand? This is the equally as stupid, dangeous, entertaining choice millions have done. BUT.. I didn't even get the great sex.

 

People are quick to assume I like drunks and prefer rapists and woman beaters because I'm sharing my worst dating experience EVER.

 

I'm just chalking this up as what it is and moved on. Obviously none of us make the perfect choices or none of us would be here sharing our insecurities, jealousy issues, or seeking advice for whatever reason.

[Bionic Me]

OP,

 

I'm sorry but it seems like you have no standards at all if you were willing to give this guy a 2nd date.

 

He showed up to your date drunk! and late to boot!

then tells you he could rape you?!

 

look, you gave him your little "this is so disrespectful" speech, but the point is, you still went with him the bar/grill place, and he ended up in your bed (even if you didn't have sex) - and that was all right after your little speech.

 

You set the boundaries and standards and expectations on the first few dates with someone, and now you're showing him that its ok to be disrespectful, its ok to be a drunk, to drive drunk, to show up late, that's all ok, as long as its followed up with an apology email.

 

Its your life and obviously you can do whatever you want, but if he was like that from the get-go - don't expect improvements.

 

Good luck to the both of you.

 

Bolded= BINGO!

 

"Never a second chance for a first impression"- BUT seems like that rule may be outdated.

 

I mean, laying in bed with someone that showes up like this... Why was he even in your house at that point? Then you see female bodies washing up at the bay. That little "I can rape you if I want to" not a joke AT ALL! Was he driving? I mean, I can understand not letting someone under this condition drive.

 

This is how much you value your life??????

 

Someone drunk out his a$$ obviously has no control.

 

If this is your worse dating experience, learn something from it rather than laughing at what we have to say. Did you learn anything?

[betterdeal]

People are quick to assume I like drunks and prefer rapists and woman beaters because I'm sharing my worst dating experience EVER.

 

Er, I said maybe you like drunks, not that I thought you did, nor do I judge anyone who does. Just clarifying my position.

 

I agree that there's lots of jumping to conclusions on this thread.

Edited April 15, 2011 by betterdeal

[Bionic Me]

Er, I said maybe you like drunks, not that I thought you did, nor do I judge anyone who does. Just clarifying my position.

 

I agree that there's lots of jumping to conclusions on this thread.

 

 

I think "jumping into conclusions" would have been if she just said...

"he showed up at my house drunk" and the rest of LS said, "let me guess you laid in bed with him, he wanted to get down and dirty but passed out, and bounced in the am without saying bye". <<<---- That's jumping. Conclusions arrive after actions take place.

 

To the OP. Better luck next time. Have a list of deal-breakers and stick to it. Will save you lots.

[elaina]

OMG is what I thought. That's why I shared this entire experience on here. Just my luck, my first dating experience after a LTR is this!!

 

You can't help it that this guy is a loser. It's his own decision, not yours. I wish he wasn't like that, but we already know he has alcoholic issues, and that more than likely is impeding his ability to think about what is appropriate and what isn't.

 

Me and this guy have a mutual friend. I told her about these things/comments before seeing him again and I trusted her when she said he's a joker. "It's his sense of humor"

 

He does have a sense of humor... I would think that after he gets to know a person well and is appropriate at first, that it is fine for his sorta warped sense of humor to show itself, but right now isn't really the time. There's a time for everything. For example, you wouldn't just show up in your bikini to have a tour of the White House and meet the President of the USA. Rather, you would dress appropriately. He hasn't been acting appropriately while getting to know you, and that shows lack of understanding or lack of prohibitions.

"he's shy" blah blah blah.. I went off her word before the second date.

 

It's like the guy has no boundries..

 

True, he has no boundaries. Being a carefree spirit is cool, don't get me wrong, but there is a difference between being a carefree spirit, and showing disrespect through lack of prohibitions/boundaries.

He invited me to go out of town with him to spend time with his friends and go to a concert. I told him I hardly know him and can't go.

 

That's a very smart decision on your part.

 

Last time I saw him, he was sitting in my driveway waiting for me to get home from work unannounced. I was late coming home from work and there he is.. sitting in his black creepy care waiting for me. no call asking to come over.

 

I would have called the police... that is way too creepy for me.

 

 

I was told by my friend he's harmless but my gut said otherwise. That's why there in no contact between us.

 

Cool always listen to your gut!!!

 

This entire dating experience was all within a 10 day span.. Just crazy. That's why I wanted to share. I'm not a drunk like him or mentally unhealthy. I'm just getting my footing in the dating world. I made mistakes. I can see that.

 

Don't worry. It's hard to get back into the dating world. People here are just worried for you. We don't want you to end up in a ditch, and this guy does sound really creepy. I'm glad you're not seeing him anymore, and best of luck in finding a wonderful man!!! They are out there.

[orion1010]

I should probably clarify the drinking and driving thing. He showed up late to pick me up for the date. We never even made it to the bar/grill place due to his condition. At that point I would feel bad slamming the door in his face telling him to get back in his car and drive. As a bartender through college, I've seen so many people leave the bar drunk and I don't feel right letting anyone leave like that. To me, that's like saying it's ok to kill someone b/c you're drunk. So, I did let him in and told him I'm not going anywhere. We do have a mutual friend so on that level, I did feel somewhat but not totally secure with him in my home at that time and we did talk before meeting many times.

 

I did learn from this and yes, It is a wake up call in dating for me. Things just seem so different than what I remember.

 

thanks for not judging me so quickly.

[elaina]

He didn't 'threaten' to rape her. It was more likely meant to be a joke/throwaway comment.

 

Rape is an ugly, painful, hurtful thing. I have never been raped, but a few of my friends have, and it is not something they consider to be a joke, or a funny thing to joke about. Out of respect for people who have been victims of rape, I wouldn't think anybody would joke about it, anymore than joking about somebody being killed, like if somebody was "joking" saying "I could kill you now if I want." That's not funny either. Rape is a lot like murder, in that it steals a part of one's life.

[elaina]

I should probably clarify the drinking and driving thing. He showed up late to pick me up for the date. We never even made it to the bar/grill place due to his condition. At that point I would feel bad slamming the door in his face telling him to get back in his car and drive. As a bartender through college, I've seen so many people leave the bar drunk and I don't feel right letting anyone leave like that. To me, that's like saying it's ok to kill someone b/c you're drunk. So, I did let him in and told him I'm not going anywhere. We do have a mutual friend so on that level, I did feel somewhat but not totally secure with him in my home at that time and we did talk before meeting many times.

 

I did learn from this and yes, It is a wake up call in dating for me. Things just seem so different than what I remember.

 

thanks for not judging me so quickly.

 

You have a caring heart. That's very sweet that you didn't want him to get hurt or have an accident and possibly hurt others while in his condition.

 

Again, we're just worried for your safety. It wouldn't be cool if you got hurt either.

 

Yeah things are different now it seems.

[betterdeal]

I think "jumping into conclusions" would have been if she just said... "he showed up at my house drunk" and the rest of LS said, "let me guess you laid in bed with him, he wanted to get down and dirty but passed out, and bounced in the am without saying bye". <<<---- That's jumping. Conclusions arrive after actions take place.

 

Jumping to conclusions is telling someone to get counselling when they asked for our impression of what happened and banging on about his comment about rape.

 

Given that anyone under 35 these days talks about being "fraped" (Facebook raped) or being raped when they feel they are being swindled / completely beaten in a game, the term is less loaded now than it was, so it's more likely to come up in conversation. Add to that, the existence of play rape sex games, female fantasies about being raped, and women who express having enjoyed being raped, nothing is black and white.

 

Most likely, he was being a dick, she didn't feel threatened and he in fact didn't rape her. Most rape is not preceded with a statement that it may happen. Most people have the emotional intelligence to judge the risks they face pretty well.

 

When someone asks for my opinion, I try to not scold them for not living life the way I do providing no-one else is getting hurt by their choices.

[Bionic Me]

Oh sugar, lost my reply. Not in the mood to type it all over.

 

In summary, someone shows up like that, he's considered trash.

[Bionic Me]

I should probably clarify the drinking and driving thing. He showed up late to pick me up for the date. We never even made it to the bar/grill place due to his condition. At that point I would feel bad slamming the door in his face telling him to get back in his car and drive. As a bartender through college, I've seen so many people leave the bar drunk and I don't feel right letting anyone leave like that. To me, that's like saying it's ok to kill someone b/c you're drunk. So, I did let him in and told him I'm not going anywhere. We do have a mutual friend so on that level, I did feel somewhat but not totally secure with him in my home at that time and we did talk before meeting many times.

 

I did learn from this and yes, It is a wake up call in dating for me. Things just seem so different than what I remember.

 

thanks for not judging me so quickly.

 

Yeah, this is why I asked if he was driving. Then who would let him drive off smashed?!?! You may have just saved his life. It's a huge indicator of how irresponsible this dude is. The least that can happen is for him to go to jail. Imagine killing a family or himself.THAT IS NOT JUDGING BTW... It's common sense and being a mature adult, besides it is the law to not drink and drive.

 

Hone, your guy will come. This one may be good "friend" material. Be wise!

[Bionic Me]

Jumping to conclusions is telling someone to get counselling when they asked for our impression of what happened and banging on about his comment about rape.

 

Given that anyone under 35 these days talks about being "fraped" (Facebook raped) or being raped when they feel they are being swindled / completely beaten in a game, the term is less loaded now than it was, so it's more likely to come up in conversation. Add to that, the existence of play rape sex games, female fantasies about being raped, and women who express having enjoyed being raped, nothing is black and white.

 

Most likely, he was being a dick, she didn't feel threatened and he in fact didn't rape her. Most rape is not preceded with a statement that it may happen. Most people have the emotional intelligence to judge the risks they face pretty well.

 

When someone asks for my opinion, I try to not scold them for not living life the way I do providing no-one else is getting hurt by their choices.

 

 

Honestly, the bolded... Disturbing. Really disturbing. You're speaking of people with serious psychological issues. For the most part, well balanced people don't find this as part of their personalities. You're perhaps confusing role play with extreme examples.

[Eeyore79]

This is laughable. Everyone on this site is quick to suggest counceling. His issues are not my own. Just b/c I let a sorry excuse for a date sleep off his drunken stooper in my bed does not mean I don't have any boundaries or lack of self respect.

 

My concern is that you put yourself at risk, not just by allowing a drunk stranger into your house, but also by not asking him to leave immediately when he started making comments about rape. Your boundaries are a little too loose in terms of your own personal safety; you have to protect yourself. This guy wasn't just a sorry excuse for a date; he was a threat to your safety. Please understand that I'm not having a go at you or suggesting that you need counseling; what I am suggesting is that you need to protect yourself more and keep yourself safe from potentially dangerous men.

[orion1010]

So me and this guy went no contact. I thought things just fizzled away which I'm happy about. I thought he moved on b/c all I figured he wants is sex.

 

Today he pops me up on facebook and asks how I'm doing. Mentioned he had some wine with his buddy who is visiting out of town this weekend. He asked what I did today and I said I went shopping for food. He said "lemme guess, you bought egg whites" I said "yes, nothing but boring healthy food". I'm thinking we can be friends and just talk normal then he throws out the comment "I want to pour egg whites all over my naked body".

 

I said I had to leave b/c I had plans and signed off. Why would he say something so strange so soon into our convo? Does he think that talk turns me on? This guy just leaves me scratching my head thinking what the hell is going through your head?

 

Just strange!

 

[OliveOyl]

I'm thinking we can be friends and just talk normal then he throws out the comment "I want to pour egg whites all over my naked body".

 

I said I had to leave b/c I had plans and signed off. Why would he say something so strange so soon into our convo? Does he think that talk turns me on? This guy just leaves me scratching my head thinking what the hell is going through your head?

 

ROFL. What a tool.