Just had lunch with the ex (her invite) after 5 months NC Does she want to reconcile?

[suddendumpee]

I posted this in breaking up, but realized this was the better place for it to get the opinions of people dealing with the same things, so her we go:

 

For those interested in the history of the situation:

 

Initial post here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255195/

 

The the post after realizing her cheating/lies here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t256901/

 

The first e-mail from her (ignored by me) here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=259935

 

 

So as many of you know, I work at the same company as my ex (different states). I had to fly to her state for a convention and I feared that she would be there. I am no longer FB friends with her, but I do have some of her friends still on my list. When I landed, I made a status update about where I was.

 

Within minutes, I start getting texts from her best friend/roommate who expressed excitement that I was in town. She started small-talking about random stuff, then asked if I had any plans. I ignored it. Later she starts chatting with me again via text, then says "You should make it over to this side of town. Would be great to see you!"

 

Of course I think this is strange, because "My roommate's ex is in town, and I would love to hang with him." just didn't add up. I figure there is an agenda of some sort. Anyway, I respond with "I'm pretty busy, but if I have time, that would be fun."

 

The next day the ex starts sending me the first (non-business) text messages in 5 months. She starts with:

 

"Are you in town for the meeting?"

 

I know she knows I am, as she has access to my work calendar, and I'm sure she was sitting right next to her roommate as we were messaging the night before. I simply reply:

 

"Yes"

 

She says "Well, we have good weather for you! We will all be there tomorrow."

 

I do not respond. The next day, she arrives. We avoid each other for a while, then finally I walk up and say "Nice to see you. Sort of" with a smirk. She says "Nice to see you sort of too", then she proceeds to ask me to grab lunch with her and I said "Sure".

 

We go to lunch and I make it a point to be my self, and not mention the past at all. Then she starts in with:

 

Her: "I felt really bad for sending you that e-mail" (the one I ignored, so that obviously had an effect)

 

Me: "Why?"

 

Her: "Because all you exes send you that e-mail and I know you hate it. I'm sorry"

 

Me: "Nothing to be sorry about."

 

Her: "Well, I really miss talking to you!"

 

Me: "Uhhh. Sorry about your luck?"

 

Her: "Haha. I know. It's my fault"

 

Then we just go back to normal convo and she's filling me in on her life, and asking about mine. She asks what I'm doing that evening, and I tell her I am getting dinner with her roommate and her fiance, and she says "Cool, they will like to see you."

 

We go back to the meeting, and before she leaved, she says "Well, it was really nice to see you." and she leaves.

 

Later that day, she sends me a text "So I was thinking. Would you mind if I joined you guys for dinner tonight? If not, I understand"

 

I say "F**k that. Find you own fun." wait a few minutes then say "Kidding. See you there"

 

She says "You got jokes huh? See you later"

 

So I meet them all for dinner, and we are just having good conversation. The ex is talking a lot about our past (walking down memory lane) through the dinner. The 2 girls go to the bathroom, and come back with what seemed to be a contrived plan to get my ex away for a bit.

 

Her roommate "Well, (the ex) has to leave because she made plans with our girlfriends, but would you like to join my man and I for drinks up the road?" I agreed. The ex leaves with a hug again, and a "really nice to see you".

 

We go to get drinks up the road, and when her man goes to the restroom, the reason for the ex leaving becomes apparent. Her roommate starts in:

 

"So I need to tell you something...unless you don't want to hear it." I say "Shoot". She says "I just wanted to let you know that I miss you terribly. I feel weird saying that as your ex's best friend, but I do miss you...as a friend you know? I feel so badly for the way things went down, but I want you to know that that girl cares about you very much. Not long after things ended, she was crying to me saying "Why did I do that?". When she saw you were coming to town, she had to see you, but wasn't sure how you'd react. She still wonders why she did it, and has even mentioned that if the 2 of you were together today, things would be different. You just caught her in a bad time where she was very confused and heartbroken, and unable to let go of her ex/got caught up in the party life. I asked her to think about why things ended, and she said that you were pressuring her for things she wasn't prepared for, but just so you know...I don't blame you. After 7 months, it was time. You just need to know that I loved you two together, and I still have high hopes for you guys"

 

Then her man comes back from the restroom, and she says we have to stop talking about it. Miraculously after the conversation, the roommate gets a text from my ex "Oh geez (the ex) locked herself out of the apartment, so she's coming back" She returns, and we all share drinks for another 1.5 hours before finally parting for good. This time, she gives me a huge hug and says "Don't be a stranger, and please don't NOT talk to me". I just laugh and say "Have a good evening".

 

The next day (today), I get a text from the roomate thanking me for a great time, and 3 lame texts from the ex:

 

Her: "Is the meeting busier today?"

 

Me: "No, I got to leave early"

 

Her: "Nice"

 

2 hours later

 

Her: "Well, I hope you landed safely!"

 

Me: "I did. Thank you"

 

Her: "Again. Nice seeing you!"

 

Me: "Ditto"

 

This brings us to the present. Obviously it SEEMS as though the grass MAY NOT be greener after all, and she's feeling me out to see if she still has me around should she decide to leave her man. The interesting thing is, I got the feeling the down to earth, motivated girl I met is back. And the partying, alcohol driven person she became has left. She seemed like her old self again. Her bad influence drunk/clubbing friend is moving out of state. She said this girl burned her out on the bar scene, and she's just been staying in now.

 

It's funny that I'm not pinning on hope after this, but I am curious what this all means. I do feel like the strength I've gained from this experience has leveled her out in my mind, and I could care less what happens. What do you all make of this? Keep in mind, she is still dating this guy, and I don't intend to try to break them up. I would be up for a second shot after lengthy discussions as long as SHE did/said the right things.

 

Thanks in advance for your interpretation and advice!

[hunk]

Seems like she was expecting you to jump at any hint she made of getting back together, but wasn't prepared to suck it up and just ask you. Used her roommate to basically tell you she regretted dumping you in order to save face for herself and avoid any embarrassment from you rejecting her. You've done the right thing by all means. If she really wants you she won't give up, and the fact you haven't budged after she played childish games with you and shown indifference to all of this will make you that much more appealing and worth it in her eyes.

[PegNosePete]

If you have to ask if she wants a reconciliation, then she doesn't.

If she wanted one then you would know it.

[suddendumpee]

I totally disagree with you. After going strict NC as I have, any normal person would be very cautious in their return. She may think I have completely written her off, or may even have a new girlfriend. All people can not fall in to a cookie-cutter answer of (if she wanted you back she would tell you). Many would proceed with caution, feeling things out so as not to set themselves up for the pain of rejection.

[PegNosePete]

Well if you want to go for it then go for it. You asked for advice and we gave it to you. If you want to ignore it then it's totally your choice. Good luck

[betterdeal]

Did she say she wanted reconciliation? Do you care if she does want it or not? Nothing is guaranteed; there are no rules; you just do what you think's best at the time and that's generally to listen to your feelings, add a dollop of experience and rationale and that is all there is to it.

 

No-one here knows what she wants. Indeed, she may well be open-minded about it, and whether or not you two get it on again is up to you, her, and the wind.

[Fufu]

It all lies in you which path you want to choose.

 

For me, as long as he or she doesn't say he or she wants to be with you and not doing any actions to be with you again, I won't jump into the feeling that reconciliation is possible.