Another tale of sudden breakup and confusion...

[suddendumpee]

History:

For 12 months before actually meeting Julie, we got to know each other the old fashioned way over the phone as she works at my company's corporate office. There was always a connection, even though I had never seen what she looked like. I finally met her in person this March, and we instantly hit it off. Both of us recently came out of LTR's and were exited to get to know one another. She is 25, I am 30.

 

This relationship started as LDR, but our careers gave us the means to see each other rather often. Some times 2 weekends in a row. The longest we went in the 7 month relationship was 2 weekends off. We went on amazing trips together, and developed memories that will last forever. There was rarely an argument, and we got along like true friends. The physical and sexual chemistry was also as good as it gets.

 

The downfall:

4.5 months in, I admitted to her that I had fallen in love with her. It brought tears of joy to her and she squeezed me and told me to be "very careful" with her heart. She said she was not ready to say those words, but she could see us being married someday. She heard those words from her ex (who broke her heart by cheating) and needed more time to trust and to make sure this was real.

 

Shortly after this great weekend, she went out with a group of her girlfriends and was reminded how much fun she has drinking, dancing, living the party life. She always called me at the end of every night out when she was in bed to tell me how much she missed me and how she wished I lived down there. I never tried to control her, as she told me before that she intended to be single and enjoy life for 1 year after her last relationship. She never expected to get involved so quickly, so I felt it was important to give her her freedom since I trusted her whole-heatedly.

 

She soon became conflicted between making plans with me, and missing out on fun with her friends. I told her, that if it was an issue, that I would be happy to let her go to enjoy single life in hopes that we could reconnect when she was ready to settle down (when both of us were on similar timeliness). She was very opposed to this and said she didn't want to lose me. She blamed the entire conversation on a combination of drinking and being on her period.

 

After this conversation, she seemed to be the one who wanted to further the relationship. She began referring to me as her boyfriend. Had conversations about how we could eventually live in the same area. Planned a trip to meet her family etc.. Things seemed to be going smoothly.

 

On the up and up:

30 days before doomsday - Her and I talk extensively about our options to move to the same place at some point in the future. I tell her I can see myself being with her forever and she melts in my arms in a tearful embrace.

 

23 days before doomsday - She stocks my bathroom with "girl stuff" (shampoo, hairspray etc..) for all her "future visits" (There will be none)

 

14 days before doomsday - She present me with a key to her apartment in a way that made me feel like I had "earned it". (I only ended up using it 1 time before the ending of the relationship)

 

7 days before doomsday - She starts mentally prepping me for the meeting with her family and what to expect from their personalities. She is excited that the next time we see one another "it will be for a full week!"

 

Doomsday:

Just 4 days before our trip to meet her family, I call her to finalize the place I'm making dinner reservations for. She says "Don't do it". Confused, I ask Why? Then "the talk". She explains that this is the hardest thing she has ever done, but that she has been thinking about things for a while, and that she feels like her heart isn't in the relationship anymore. She said she feels like I know exactly what I want, and she is unsure. She said the pressure of meeting her family and the upcoming holiday season made her feel like it was unfair to drag me through those memories and possibly give me "false hope" for something she feels she isn't ready for. She said my certainly, and he uncertainty made her feel like she was leading me on. She said she never fulfilled her intentions after her last relationship to have fun, date, and be free, and she was not prepared for what developed between us. She chalked it up to "right person, wrong time".

 

I handled the breakup maturely and did not cry, beg, plead, or promise to change anything. I told her there was nothing I could do to change her feelings and I supported her decision if that's what she needed to do to find happiness. She began crying. I couldn't believe this was happening after all of the signs that things were moving forward. She (unfortunately for me) let things a bit open ended. She said "I never do this as I think it's unfair and cliche, but maybe this is just the space I need. In a month or two after the holidays, maybe I'll feel different, but I don't want to string you along with false hope." Yea, thanks for that.

 

Since then (18 days), there has been ZERO contact or even an attempt at contact from either of us. We talked every night, and it went from 100mph to 0 overnight. This has been very hard for me to deal with. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up to an email from her explaining that she just freaked out and messed up. It hasn't happened. I want to be angry and focus on the bad things, but there honestly were none in this relationship. Only positive memories and smiles and affection all the way to the end. I so badly want to email her that I'm still thinking of her and miss her, but I have been strong thus far. There are so many unanswered questions about how 7 days prior she was exited, only to end everything in one foul swoop.

 

Can anyone give an insight on this? The relationship did not end badly. There was no argument, abuse, or cheating. Just fear of commitment I think....Do I honestly never contact her again? Could she not see that as "He must not have cared as much as he said he did?" Confused as hell right now.

Edited November 29, 2010 by suddendumpee

[Tressugar]

I liked how you outlined the history of your relationship with your ex.

 

I understand how difficult this is for you and I commend your strength in the matter.

 

I believe that your ex needed space and time to grieve the loss of her last relationship before moving forward into a new relationship with another person.

 

Everyone needs ample to to grieve the loss of a relationship before moving on. No matter how it ends there needs to be sometime alone to understand why/how the relationship ended.

 

The ending of this past relationship has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your ex getting the healing that she deserves.

 

Good luck to you.

[VJW]

I am sorry to hear that this happened. It is never easy to go from full steam ahead in a relationship to complete stop overnight.

I would say that you need to remain in no contact with her until she contacts you. She is the one with the thinking to do and you need to give her the time and space to do that.

It is very hard to not contact someone that you still love but she obviously needs time to understand what she really wants. When she is ready she will contact you and if by chance you get back together it will be stronger because you gave her that space.

Hope this helps!

[suddendumpee]

I soooo want to send her a message documenting the signs that things were fine all the way up to the end and ask for an explanation. Seriously, who goes to a hardware store to get a key made for someone only for it to be used one time? Sends a text 7 days prior to a trip to California exclaiming their excitement to see each other for 7 straight days, only to call the whole thing off 3 days before leaving? Sends an email asking if we should upgrade the cabin for our cruise (which was supposed to be this weekend) just 4 days prior to breaking up? Then without any arguments in the end, goes completely radio silence?

 

To add insult to injury, she is taking one of her girlfriends on the cruise instead of me and posted on her FB how excited she is...

 

Someone please convince me to NOT send this e-mail. I feel like I deserve answers!

[poorguy]

Dude..This one doesn't sound too bad. You have doen everything rigth as of now. PLEASE don't send her that outline thing. Give her space and as much of it. You are going to have to let her contact you. It sounds to me as if her friends are what pulled you apart. Until she gets tired (and she will) of the party life she's gone. If it was a good relationship save for that though I'll bet she'll be back in contact. Do not dare send her anything or text or email or anything like that-just go away for now

[suddendumpee]

I should point out that my ex is damn near a perfect 10. She gets attention from a lot of men, and could have any guy wrapped around her finger. I feel I'm giving her space in the HOPE that she'll come around, but feel I'm being unrealistic as we live in different states. Why come back when she could easily find someone more convenient and local? I wish I could let this go, but things were so perfect when we were together. I think it's unhealthy for me to think she was just "scared" and and will eventually come to her senses, but I can't help those thoughts

[suddendumpee]

Update:

Another FB post exclaiming her excitement for the cruise she will be leaving for tomorrow (was supposed to be her and I). Seems a bit insensitive that she would post this. We had an amicable breakup, never fought. This cruise was a "gift" from her to me, and now she is taking a girlfriend instead. Why do I feel like she's rubbing my nose in it?

 

Also, as I stated, she works in my corporate office, so we do have e-mail contact. All correspondences have ALWAYS been professional, so nothing has really changed here. Not like I'm going to flirt over company e-mail. Today, I e-mail her some info to contact a client.

Her response "Thanks Doug. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!!"

I'm thinking....yea, you mean that Holiday we were supposed to spend together meeting your family?

 

I hate this. I hate that we work together so I still have to act cool about everything when I'm not. I hate that everything leading to the end seemed like we were progressing, and then radio silence.

 

The sad thing is, I do want this girl back. Every other breakup I've had was due to some problems, arguments, incompatibility. This one ended because she got scared of the progress. She said she told herself that the next serious relationship she entered would be the man she married. When she saw things getting serious, she retreated because she wasn't ready to settle down, wants to live her life without any ties, and have the time off she promised herself after her last relationship ended.

 

I hope I get some additional viewpoints on this one. Do these types of breakups ever result in the dumper "living the single life" partying, only to realize when they are ready to settle down, that they already had what they wanted all along? I'm moving on, dating other people, but I can help but hope for a future relationship that is even stronger....

[suddendumpee]

hmmm. maybe I should try the "coping" section?

[mhertz]

Hm.. Maybe she's just going through a phase. Give her the space she needs. She promised herself a year of being single.. So give it time. Give her time to miss you. I wouldn't dwell on it, though. Go out and have some fun for yourself, too. You've done everything right so there's a good chance she'll come around after she realized what she left. Whenever you do talk with business, be short and nice with it. Show her you know how to be happy with yourself. I'm sure that will make you more attractive than coming off as someone that mopes around. I know it's hard to put on a fake smile but it will be worth it.

 

It sounds like she should come around and that it's just a phase. It sounds like you guys are great together and that you have potential for a long, happy relationship. But since she is just coming out of a LTR, she probably isn't ready to jump right back into one.

 

Good luck man. Hope it all works out

[suddendumpee]

Thought I'd update this thread with the later advancements just in case someone relates to my post and wants to see how this ended up. I'm sure many will relate to how sure I was that she needed "time alone" and that there was no cheating (only to find the truth later):

 

When I found out she was lying/cheating all along:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t256901/

 

When she sent me a weak apology followed by an email trying to absolve her guilt (both ignored by me):

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t259935/

 

9 weeks later, I'm still crushed/confused but getting better. Her last email actually made things worse, because she is still lying to me. I wanted so badly to respond, but so far I have been strong.

[East7]

Funny... when I first read your thread I didn't know it was an update, I was going to post you : check if she isn't back with her ex. There is ALWAYS a reason why women break-up out of the blue. All the rest : need for space, moving too fast, etc etc is just bullshyte.

 

BTW you should have deleted her from FB right away. No point to keep it rubbing in your face.

[GreenPolicy]

Funny... when I first read your thread I didn't know it was an update, I was going to post you : check if she isn't back with her ex. There is ALWAYS a reason why women break-up out of the blue. All the rest : need for space, moving too fast, etc etc is just bullshyte.

 

BTW you should have deleted her from FB right away. No point to keep it rubbing in your face.

 

I've learned that there really is no such thing as breaking up out of the blue. There are ALWAYS signs. Sometimes they are very subtle, but they are there. I missed two or three warning signs in the month before my ex dumped me, but I chose to ignore them, and she otherwise still acting engaged in the r/l and still talking about marriage.

[timchambo]

I swear there is some script women follow. Why are all the sudden breakup stories the same? My ex continues to try to justify her actions to her friends and me. She basically got caught red handed and still continued to make excuses. It started off as "you need to work on yourself", then "I need to be single", then "I'm not in love anymore". All the while shes seeing another guy. When I presented the evidence I just got more excuses.

 

Thankfully this all happened for me over the course of a week from the breakup. It has allowed me to cope from the beginning and walk away with my dignity intact. Sure I shed some tears in front of her when she left, but since then I can walk away knowing she isn't a girl with any real character.