IT happened!!! Got the (dreaded) email after 2 months NC!

For those interested in the history of the situation:

Initial post here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255195/

The the post after realizing her cheating/lies here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t256901/

So let us take 1 step back. 2 weeks after our breakup so that she could "be alone", a friend posts a FB album showing her kissing/hugging all over the guy who was (just an old HS friend). The pics were just 7 days after our breakup. She went out of her way to assure me this guy was no threat and that she could NEVER date him. Suspicions and events that occurred while we were together finally made sense. After debating on confronting her on her lies, I decided to do so with this Facebook message. This has been my only break from NC over the 2 month period:

"For the sake of moving forward strictly as coworkers, might as well get everything out in the open. I saw XXXXXX's album as it came across FB last Sunday. I was surprised, but it also answered a lot of questions, so it really was a blessing in disguise. I considered you a friend first and foremost, and we shared some great memories. I would have hoped that our time together would have earned your honesty and respect."

Her response to this was a very generic:

"XXXX,

I couldn't agree with you more. I am sincerely sorry for handling the situation poorly and for not giving you the respect you deserve.

For the last two months I have been extremely confused. I have some amazing memories with you, and in the end this is were my heart has led me. I really apologize that you saw those pictures. I certainly had no intentions of making matters worse by those. Considering our work situation this has been very hard for me to deal with and i thought it would be best to keep it short and to the point. I hope you understand the difficult position i was in so that we can move forward.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas!"

I made the decision to not respond to this. The NC must have really got to her, and yesterday (2 weeks later) she sends me another message. This time to my e-mail (probably thinking maybe I didn't get her FB message). This one wreaks of an individual who is seething in guilt.

"Subject: Thinking about things

I know this might seem strange, but I wanted to reach out to you, out of respect for you and what we had together. In the FBmessage you sent me, you said you considered us friends first and foremost, and that keeps ringing in my ears. I’m not sure if you care or not, but I just wanted to let you know that I was not involved with anyone else until after you and I had broken things off. I knew that I was curious about him, but that’s it. I feel like we ended so badly and I hate that! I have such great memories with you, and can’t stand knowing that you think that it didn’t mean as much to me. I can't stand that you might think I didn't care. It was not an easy decision breaking things off with you. After the last time I visited you, and we talked, you asked "where things were going" and that “this was your life”. I felt like I had to make a decision, and that you were implying I wasting your life because I still wasn't sure about what I wanted. I should have told you more, I should have talked to you more, but to be completely honest, I felt so backed into a corner I just didn’t know what to do. I feel like our entire relationship would have been so much better and easier if we didn’t work together. It was different for you, it didn’t matter as much to you, but considering my being lower on the totem pole, it was in the back of my mind all of the time. I guess I just wanted to write and say you meant a lot to me, you taught me a lot about myself and I’m grateful I had the chance to get to know you on the level I did. I want nothing but the best for you and think you are an amazing man."

So that's it. Keep in mind that I know things that are contrary to this all happening "after we broke up". She does not know what I know.

My questions:

Is this just a guilty party looking for me to release their guilt and give them my blessing on their future happiness?

Does this necessarily signify that the rebound may not be going that well? Obviously I'm on her mind quite a bit. This email took a lot of thought, and was prob. edited/revised a few times.

What else can be extracted from this message?

Should I respond? Or not respond? Why?

Thanks for your input on this.

If you reply, you can just say, "I accept the past for what it is and intend to leave everything there where it belongs. I am at peace with everything good and bad. I hope that you can one day feel the same."

I think her response is from someone who knows they did wrong, but she also ducked ever taking responsibility. It was always something else. Her backed into a corner, her job level compared to yours, etc. It wasn't her, it was the environment she was in. BS! She made a choice and she has to live with it. She didn't know what do to with you, but she sure had a plan with the other guy. So she wasn't so confused, was she?

If you reply, you can just say, "I accept the past for what it is and intend to leave everything there where it belongs. I am at peace with everything good and bad. I hope that you can one day feel the same."

 

I would only tell her this if it's true. Right now it doesn't sound like you are truly at peace with it.

That being said, I agree that this email is deserving of a response. Even something as simple as thanking her for explaining things a bit more. After that, back to strict NC. She's sorry that you git hurt but doesn't want to be with you. Give yourself some time and space to heal.

What do YOU want to say/do?

I think it's guilt and she is looking for you to forgive her for the way she handled everything. There is not much to read into. She moved on and hopes you do too.

At the end of the day, she has left you to be with someone else. She doesnt deserve anything. I wouldnt reply, I got an email like that from my ex when she left me for someone else, its more about them than us...they dont want to feel bad, they dont want to feel like a **** person, only person who can cure that is you by responding and feeding her ego, its like they expect us to say...'yeh i agree we had many great memories together, but its ok to just suddenly ditch me and move on to someone else despite the love we shared. dont worry about consequences just do what you like, ill be waiting if things go bad for you '

**** THAT. That is what shes wanting to hear. Just dont respond, it shows youve moved on alot more than ANY response you can come up with.

I would only tell her this if it's true. Right now it doesn't sound like you are truly at peace with it.

 

That being said, I agree that this email is deserving of a response. Even something as simple as thanking her for explaining things a bit more. After that, back to strict NC. She's sorry that you git hurt but doesn't want to be with you. Give yourself some time and space to heal.

White lies never hurt anyone. Plus, it's him being at peace yet not outwardly saying he forgives her. You can be at peace with something, but not forgiving it. Even if you just say thanks for the words and wish her luck in life.

I think it does warrant a small, to the point, response. Not responding will only make you look like a bitter person who is clearly still holding a grudge. She sounds like she put time into it, and it is from the heart. But that's for you to decided, you know her better than any of us.

I agree with WTRanger. She's trying to validate her decision and she still couldn't face it honestly. Actually when I read the following part, I was kind of angry, because she's blaming you, insinuating that you were being inconsiderate in the relationship. This is evil.

...I felt like I had to make a decision, and that you were implying I wasting your life because I still wasn't sure about what I wanted. I should have told you more, I should have talked to you more, but to be completely honest, I felt so backed into a corner I just didn’t know what to do. I feel like our entire relationship would have been so much better and easier if we didn’t work together. It was different for you, it didn’t matter as much to you, but considering my being lower on the totem pole, it was in the back of my mind all of the time....

Guys ...you really think responding to her, forgiving her THIS SOON is a good idea? Doesnt that give out the message - 'its ok you can do what you like ill still forgive you'

Too many nice people get treated like **** because they forgive too easily, people never learn then. If she gets forgiveness this soon, she will never truly have the chance to reflect on the decision shes made.

Also I dont believe he will appear bitter by not responding. He would appear strong if he doesnt reply, almost giving off the message shes not worth his time anymore which she isnt. To me thats not bitterness, its a sign of strength and moving on.

He would only appear bitter if he wrote a really hateful and bitter message back.

Guys ...you really think responding to her, forgiving her THIS SOON is a good idea? Doesnt that give out the message - 'its ok you can do what you like ill still forgive you'

 

Too many nice people get treated like **** because they forgive too easily, people never learn then. If she gets forgiveness this soon, she will never truly have the chance to reflect on the decision shes made.

I agree with bl22. It's all about her.

Guys ...you really think responding to her, forgiving her THIS SOON is a good idea? Doesnt that give out the message - 'its ok you can do what you like ill still forgive you'

 

Too many nice people get treated like **** because they forgive too easily, people never learn then. If she gets forgiveness this soon, she will never truly have the chance to reflect on the decision shes made.

I don't think forgiveness is a bad thing. And I think someone can be forgiven and still reflect and learn from the decisions they've made. Forgiveness does not imply lack of consequences. He can forgive her, but the consequences of her behavior will still affect her. She can be forgiven, but due to how she treated him she still loses him in her life and might regret that someday.

I don't think forgiveness is a bad thing. And I think someone can be forgiven and still reflect and learn from the decisions they've made. Forgiveness does not imply lack of consequences. He can forgive her, but the consequences of her behavior will still affect her. She can be forgiven, but due to how she treated him she still loses him in her life and might regret that someday.

You are right in some cases but i do feel it eases their guilt...maybe not fully and it may return, but it still eases their guilt whilst we suffer imense pain. I think forgiveness should only be given when were fully recovered and we can truly say we're over them. Until then they dont deserve to be let off the hook whilst we suffer

You are right in some cases but i do feel it eases their guilt...maybe not fully and it may return, but it still eases their guilt whilst we suffer imense pain. I think forgiveness should only be given when were fully recovered and we can truly say we're over them. Until then they dont deserve to be let off the hook whilst we suffer

Couldn't agree more.

Just stay N/C and move on, this is all about her.

Concentrate on you.

I would say absolutely stick with NC. You can forgive her without telling her. NC gives you your power back. Who knows, the more you stick to it, the more it drives her crazy.

Guys ...you really think responding to her, forgiving her THIS SOON is a good idea? Doesnt that give out the message - 'its ok you can do what you like ill still forgive you'

 

Too many nice people get treated like **** because they forgive too easily, people never learn then. If she gets forgiveness this soon, she will never truly have the chance to reflect on the decision shes made.

What about a response without forgiveness? What if I had some info that were force her to reflect on the fact that I know the truth, while at the same time making her realize that my insecurity in asking "where are we in the relationship?" which "backed her into a corner" was caused by outside sources? (ie. most likely her new man).

Let me explain. The 2nd week of October, her "guy friend" visited her city for the weekend for a conference. I knew they would be hanging out, but she was suspiciously vague on the details of that weekend. Three days after this visit, I get an "anonymous" email from "Tom Smith". The subject line is just my g/f's name. The body reads: "She's f-ing around on you bro. Let her go. She's done with you". Later that night, her guy friend's buddy (who was also there) posts a message on her FB wall that reads "had a great time. Will give you a heads up next time me and your weekend boyfriend come to town" referring to the guy friend. My g/f deletes this post within 15 minutes, the starts drowning me with text messages, obviously trying to feel out weather I saw it or not. "Whatcha doin?" "Are you excited to see me this weekend?" "Do you miss me?" yadda yadda. This after a week of being relatively cold.

I blow this off as an ******* trying to create drama and doubt, and her just trying to avoid unnecessary drama. I keep my mouth shut, as I don't want to show insecurity without proof (now that they are dating, I feel I have my proof). The following weekend, I visit her, things seem great and she gives me a key to her apartment for all my "future visits". The weekend after she goes home to "visit her family" which also happens to be where the guy friend lives. She is again very vague on where she is staying and who she is hanging with..."Out with friends...staying at a friend's house". The pictures showed that she was with dude, and stayed at his place. THESE are the reasons I know this was going on while we were still together.

Fern asked what do I want to do? I WANT to send this:

(attach screen-shots of the "she's cheating" e-mail, so that she can see the date/time stamp. She can ONLY conclude that it was her new b/f trying to destroy us behind her back...and this may really piss her off

message:

Unfortunately I know too much for me to accept what you are telling me. You put it all on the table, so I might as well do the same. Please see the screen shots of the "anonymous" e-mail I received the weekend after XXX's visit, and the day before you came to visit me. This, along with the FB post from XXX that you deleted (followed by a barrage of sweet texts) really put me on guard. I told myself that it was just an immature game of jealous outsiders that were trying to come between us, and that you were just trying to avoid unnecessary drama.

I kept my mouth shut assuming that this could not be true as you really went out of your way to downplay what was happening between the two of you. I had to give you 100% of my trust. This was an easy task until I got a few drinks in me, hence the questioning of the status of our relationship.

I would love to believe that your message was genuine, but facts tell a different story. My last night in XXXX, you were excited about our trip, and you gave me a key to your apartment. The following weekend, you went back home. You were sketchy about who you were hanging with, and where you were staying. The pictures answered these questions for me. Withing 3 days, you were ending our relationship for good, canceling our trip, and 2 days later are back in XXX with your new boyfriend.

I do not want an apology. I do not want an explanation. And I certainly do not want to get in a pissing match about this. I accept the past for what it is, and intend to leave everything there where it belongs. I also learned a lot from our relationship, and I will fine peace with everything, good and bad. There will be a time for truth and forgiveness, but that is obviously not now. Until then, I ask that you keep all further communication work related. Take care.

I know this may not be the best thing, as my lack of response obviously got to her. I most likely will not send a thing, but that is what I WANT to do. I feel it shows that she did not get away with anything. That I am not an idiot and i DO NOT accept her apology. Also ALSO leaves the door open for her to coming running back with an apology after douche-bag cheats on her, or becomes his needy/insecure self. At which point I can say "sorry about your luck". I think the beauty of leaving the door cracked is that one day, you may be able to slam it in their face.

I know this may not be the best thing, as my lack of response obviously got to her. I most likely will not send a thing, but that is what I WANT to do. I feel it shows that she did not get away with anything. That I am not an idiot and i DO NOT accept her apology. Also ALSO leaves the door open for her to coming running back with an apology after douche-bag cheats on her, or becomes his needy/insecure self. At which point I can say "sorry about your luck". I think the beauty of leaving the door cracked is that one day, you may be able to slam it in their face.

Yeah, don't do anything. A response gets her off the hook, whether you forgive her, or call her on her cheating. She needs a resolution to this, and she gets it by you either forgiving her or calling her out for her lying/cheating. Let her stew in the hell of her own creation. Silence from you is the worst possible outcome for her. It hurts her, even though you are not being vindictive and punishing about it.

Yeah don't do anything! Best thing to do is to not give her any attention. I find you lucky enough she wrote you that last message, I wished for someting like that for weeks, but in my case it never happened. Who cares about her now.

That information changes the whole situation. Personally I wouldn't blame you for calling her out on it. I'd keep it short and matter of fact though, you don't need to go into specific details. Just say that you know she was cheating on you and that you're washing your hands of the relationship.

suddendumpee, she's obviously feeling bad about the way things happened, but it has nothing to do with you, it is all about her. If it was about you, she'd still be with you.

I sent my ex several texts and emails, even months after our breakup. Never got a response from her. I couldn't understand it. She said she wanted to be friends and that there could be a possibility for a reconciliation in the future. Why no response? And then she changes her number?

None of it made sense. So, I did something stupid and logged into her email. First thing I found was pictures of her and another guy kissing, just 3 weeks after she broke up with me. However, even 5 weeks after the breakup she was telling me there was nobody else in her life. Another thing inside of her email... she emailed herself all of my post breakup text messages and all of her post breakup text messages as well, along with a draft of an email she never sent me.

What did the unsent email say? It basically talked about some of the good things that happened in our relationship and how sad she was about it ending. Yet, a good 75% of the email was pointing out everything that I did wrong in the relationship. The unsent email never once mentioned anything about her new man. Nothing but a blame fest pointed at me.

Why am I telling you this? Because my ex, along with yours, don't give a rat's a** about us. It's all about them. Sounds like your ex is blaming you for her mistakes as well. She's drawing at straws for reasons as to why she fell for this other guy. That's not fair to you at all, bro. She doesn't care. Is she guilty? Yes. Listen, DO NOT send anything now. Let her think about it. Let it bug her. When you've completely moved on and don't care about her anymore, maybe the two of you can have an opportunity to talk things over maturely. But I wouldn't count on it.

Let me be honest about why I'm on the fence about what to do. I have been in her shoes. I have already learned the lesson she is about to learn. That the grass is NOT always greener. That sometimes when something seems TOO right, and you are not ready for the commitment, you will self-destruct the relationship as a way out of the pressure. I have done this, I have learned, and I have been changed ever since. It was one of the biggest lessons I've ever learned in my dating life, and I feel the same will happen to her. I have no desire for reconciliation now, and I WILL NOT wait for her. But if she learns, grows, and realizes her error in a year or 24 months down the road, and I happen to still be single, I would welcome a real apology and possible reconciliation. I know people who have done this and are now happily married with families. I think it's foolish to permanently close a door on a person you claimed to love unconditionally. If lessons are learned, and the stars align in the future, why not?

That information changes the whole situation. Personally I wouldn't blame you for calling her out on it. I'd keep it short and matter of fact though, you don't need to go into specific details. Just say that you know she was cheating on you and that you're washing your hands of the relationship.

Unfortunately, you don't know someone was PHYSICALLY cheating unless you walk in on it, or see a video. All I know is that she was hiding their interaction, and downplaying it while we were still together. Call it emotional cheating with a high-probability of it being physical.

Why would you want to except an apology in a message that is filled with lies. I think you're right, the guilt is getting to her and she doesn't want to be seen in a negative light. I wouldn't respond. But, if you have to talk to her on a professional basis, she WILL try to get a response out of you because she needs to know something. Don't give her the satisfaction.

That the grass is NOT always greener. That sometimes when something seems TOO right, and you are not ready for the commitment, you will self-destruct the relationship as a way out of the pressure.

Can you expand on this?