Houston, We Have Contact

[1784]

Last night, Darth Vader came down from planet Vulcan and told me that if I didn't take Lorraine out that he'd melt my brain.

[TryTryAgain]

Silence, earthling!

 

Man, nothing wrong with a little Back to the Future humor.

 

Hopefully a little playful banter helps calm your nerves for Friday.

[Fufu]

Nothing to do with your current thread,

 

I'm just curious about the origin of your nickname, is there a story behind 1784? Or just a random number?

 

May I use your nick to buy lottery number? hehe

[1784]

Ha. There actually is no significance whatsoever but I should probably make something up. It's actually my employee ID number at work. Pretty lame. I should have said that it was the year that so and so broke their heart.

[Fufu]

I see, thanks for sharing.

 

Interesting to use Employee ID number ^_^

[1784]

@TryTryAgain

 

I never did really address your situation with as much attention as I wanted to, so I'm going to do that right now.

 

Man, I'm really confused about the way it all ended. WTF? So I guess once you guys even hit a semi-rhythm she just left as she did before? It's pretty discouraging to be perfectly honest, but realistic at the same time. People don't really change. I mean, people can change habits, I suppose, but the essence of who they are, especially in adulthood, is pretty consistent. What kills me if is that the way you describe it, you guys were right back to a sort of honeymoon stage. Then once things got a little more real for her, she bailed? When was this? You haven't heard anything since? Man, I'm sorry. What the hell is wrong with people?

 

See, the thing that's confusing about my ex is that she's like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. She can be so giving and yet she can be so selfish. I know that sounds weird but it's 100% true. She can go to poor countries and help those people out (and has). Yet, right here at home she can be extraordinarily self-involved at times. It throws me for a loop. It really does. I don't think it's impossible for her to recognize it. If fact, I think she downright knows it. But will it change and am I willing to accept it if it doesn't? I dunno. I really don't. Sometimes I think I can but then other times it leaves me beside myself.

 

I wish this stuff wasn't so complicated. I'll tell you one thing for sure - you realize that when someone does really take care in handling your heart with the utmost care, it's something to be savored and appreciated.

Edited April 4, 2011 by 1784

[TryTryAgain]

Man, I'm really confused about the way it all ended. WTF?

 

Yes, I'm confused as well, but I think I may be starting to find answers. It all lies with commitment issues, on both my end and her end. I'm reading this book right now called "He's Scared. She's Scared." It was recommended in a few other threads I have seen on here. I'm about a third of the way through the book and it describes her to a tee. I was slapping my head as I was reading it last night. Her erratic behavior right at the end of this last reconciliation is described almost verbatim in this book. I plan to gather my thoughts in a new thread once I'm done with the book.

 

As for me, this book is making me realize that my relationships are suffereing because I too suffer from commitment issues. It's counter-intuitive because I seem to always be the one yearning for a commited relationship. It's actually mind-blowing stuff, but it makes a lot of sense. What it boils down to is being attached to partners who aren't emotionally available and creating a fantasy for myself of what they could be or what they might have been, but never who they truly are. As Marty McFly says, this is "heavy."

 

See, the thing that's confusing about my ex is that she's like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. She can be so giving and yet she can be so selfish.

 

Again, your ex and mine sound so similar. My ex is a nurse. Caring for people is in her very nature. She volunteers. She's a church-going girl. She will go out of her way to help anyone, but when it comes to romantic relationships, she sabotages them. She looks for an out when things are nearing that next level of commitment or she runs at the first sign of conflict. She too has her own fantasy, but hers is that "the one" truly exists and it will be perfect harmony when she meets him. But with the pattern she has exhibited previoiusly with me and other exes, she will likely find fault in almost everyone she dates and it will be enough for her to run away every time.

 

you guys were right back to a sort of honeymoon stage. Then once things got a little more real for her, she bailed? When was this?

 

That's sort of how it happened. I was a bit in the honeymoon stage personally, but she was so distracted by purchasing of her first home at the time. I thought she was just distracted, but I think things did get a little more real for her and she got scared, so she pushed me away like she always does. Our first real "date" was about the first week of January. Things were fine the whole month until the last weekend of the January when she began distancing herself and giving me the cold shoulder.

 

1784, none of this may apply to your situation at all. I could be way off base in terms of my assessment of my situation as well. At the end of the day, I felt like I owed it to myself to see if things could go somewhere with my ex. I gave it a shot and it did not work out. I still whole-heartedly believe in second chances though. That's why I'm really pulling for you, my friend.

[1784]

Thanks for sharing, TryTryagain. Wow, once again you really shock me with the comparisons of your ex and my ex. And you're SURE that they aren't the same person, right? Ugh.

 

My ex isn't a nurse but she is somewhat religious. She has gone on all sorts of mission trips and things of that nature. What I see from her most is that she has always been looking for this life. The kind of life that you find in a fairy-tale or a book or a movie or a magazine. This is what I believe she has always been trying to create for herself. The guy that she's looking for has all of these "perfect" qualities. He's funny, smart, successful, nice, well-dressed, has good taste, manly, good looking, rough around the edges but not too rough, a family man, always around, gives her her freedom, there for her needs, a good cook, good at sports, etc, etc, and so on. She wants Superman.

 

Part of MY problem is that I wanted to be that guy. And for 3+ years I was as close as anyone came to being that guy. That was a real ego boost for me. I felt like I was awesome. The thing is, I was 60% concentrating on what made her happy and only 40% on what made me happy. I was getting off on her satisfaction. That was my fault. I loved that i could satisfy her in every way. Yes, that way too.

 

What I'm getting to is that she's never 100% happy. There's always something that could be better. Something that she would do differently. Someone who could fit into her picture frame a little better (maybe). Now I know I'm probably being a tad extreme based on the situation that I was in but I'm not all THAT far off.

 

If my ex has a fear of commitment then it is a fear of staying when things get tough. She's all for us progressing when things are good. She couldn't be happier when we make plans to settle her down. She LOVES plans. She banks on plans. Plans, plans and more plans is what does it for her. But when things get a little disorganized, unclear, etc, she gets really freaked out. She isn't good with 'sucking it up' or 'going with the flow'. The problem is, I am. Another problem is that while she expects her partner to near perfection, she is not exactly close to it herself. It's like she cares about her picture frame more than any REAL thing.

 

This is why I'm going into Friday's dinner with eyes wide open. No more sweeping stuff under the rug. No more lying to myself. I want to get a look at what I would truly be going back to, if that were an option. Obviously it's very easy for me to sit here and write about the things that perturbed me. She also has dozens of qualities that I really admire and find endearing. No one is perfect. I know that I'm far from it.

 

I just downloaded that book you mentioned. I also saw it on a few forums here and thought, "Why the hell not". It can't hurt. Another HAPPY book to read. lol

Edited April 4, 2011 by 1784

[TryTryAgain]

No problem. I'm glad to share my experience!

 

No one is perfect. I know that I'm far from it.

 

We are mere mortals. Some people do fully expect to find the super-hero type partner, and that is really unfortunate. The troubling part is nothing we can say or do will make them realize that that mythical "one" does not exist. They need to realize that on their own.

 

Yeah, give that book a read. Let me know what you think. It wasn't until about pages 50-100 when things really started resonating for me.

 

And just so you know, I too found myself concentrating on my ex's happiness more than my own. That is another thing I know I need to work on.

[1784]

My ex has actually admitted to waiting for a prince to come and sweep her off her feet. I mean, not King Arthur style but close enough. It's kind of disturbing how much she buys into the whole fairy tale scenario. Like I said, though, my ego was definitely stroked by playing the part of Prince Charming. This is a girl who's longest relationship was just under a year. With me it was 3+ years. This was by far the closest she ever felt to 'complete'. She said with everyone else she always got bored or was dissatisfied. With me she always felt excited, entertained, cared for, etc. Hell, I liked being "the one". It made me very happy to be enough for this person who's expectations were through the roof. But it was very silly of me to think I wouldn't fall prey to the same feelings that all of her other exes had, which was that they all felt like they always disappointed her to some extent.

 

You're right, we can't make them see "reality". That superman is just a fictional creation. She really does think that she deserves everything. She has said those exact words, "I deserve it all". I don't necessarily blame her for shooting for the stars but I do scratch my head when I think all that she will miss in search of something better. I know, not my problem.

 

I dunno. Maybe she has realized that I was all she needed and/or wanted. Maybe not. To be honest, at this point it's about what I want. That's how it was at the beginning for us. Somehow, through time, it became more about what she wanted. It can't be like that anymore. I simply can't sustain that. I will give her this, she did want me to take a more active role in decision making. In fact she even pleaded for it. I guess I just found it easier to make her happy because this way there'd be no debate. I don't love confrontation.

 

I'll definitely give the book a read. I'm sure some of it applies to me and to her. It should be interesting if not anything else.

[1784]

Well, people, it's Wednesday morning. T minus 3 work days until the "date". Friday evening is coming around faster than I anticipated. The nerves are starting to show themselves a bit as the dinner approaches. What will it bring with it? We shall soon see, sports fans. I have my outfit picked out (what a woman I am) and plan on bringing my best self forward. Now it's just a matter of easing into the situation, keeping my wits about me and pushing that emotion down into my belly. Ah, life is a trip, isn't it?

[Ginger Beer]

1784, how's it going with this? Can't be bothered to read through the thread but does it look like you're getting your ex back?

[1784]

Hey Ginger Beer,

 

I really have no idea. She contacted me about 2 weeks ago andhas been reaching out. We agreed to have dinner on Friday. Other than that we've spoken twice, this past Sunday and the Sunday before. There isn't much to go on except that I know she misses me. I'm not really hoping for anything other than a nice dinner with her. I'm under no illusion that she wants me back. I mean, she might but I'm not going to hope for that or think that until I have a reason to. As far as I'm concerned we are not together. Until I have reason to think otherwise then I won't.

[TryTryAgain]

Yep, I understand that anxiety settling in a bit more.

 

Do you plan on touching base with her Thursday evening or so to confirm the date, or will just wait until sometime on Friday? I'd probably do it Thursday night just out of courtesy, but I'm sure others will say play it all cool and don't confirm until the day of. Just curious, really. It probably doesn't matter either way.

[1784]

Yeah, I fully expected the 'ole stress levels to rise back up this week. Last week was a nice little reprieve. Because I knew I had something in the future to look forward to, directly related to the ex, I was able to just relax last week. It was nice!

 

We confirmed the dinner date on Sunday with one another. I don't plan on making any more contact until then. I wanted to limit my contact with her as much as possible because it's the next best thing to NC. I still want her to miss me and wondering what I'm doing with my time. Doing too much catching up will only leave us with less to talk about at dinner on Friday. I don't want her thinking that ANYTHING is back to normal or as it was before - because it isn't. Things are different now. She has to realize this. She has to realize that I am NOT there for her now, whenever and wherever. I am only there for me.

 

But if she asks nicely I could make myself available again. We'll see ; )

[TryTryAgain]

I think that's a good approach. So are you just meeting her at the restaurant?

[1784]

Yup. Meeting her there at 7:00pm sharp.

[TryTryAgain]

Nice. The good part about all of this is I'm sure you will have fun. You both have a lot of history together, so at a minimum it will be nice to just reconnect with someone who you care for.

[1784]

That's all I'm hoping for, for Friday anyway. We both enjoy fine dining and have propensity to consume a little too much wine. I'm gonna keep my eye on that, though, as I don't want either one of us getting overly emotional as the night goes on. Well, she can do it but I certainly am not.

 

I think it'll be really good to see her. Sometimes all of us demonize our exes during the breakup period. I know I'm guilty of it. In my mind I can sometimes turn her into this heartless monster. I try to be fair, though. Anyway, I'll I'm saying is that there IS this woman who I spent 3+ years with, mostly good, and who I still care very much about. It will be good to see her. It may hurt a little. I dunno. I'm sure there will be all sorts of feelings fighting on another inside me. That'll be fun.

 

I'm hoping for a good evening. That's all. Simply that. A good evening.

[silvermane187]

hey 1784,

 

I've been following your story on and off for a few weeks and have to tell you that you're handling the situation beautifully. I wish I had the experience and willpower to have handled my own fiasco half as well as you. Good luck have fun, I'm rooting for you either way.

[1784]

Hey silvermane,

 

Thanks for the positive feedback. I'm trying, bro. I really am. It's not always easy. I guess I just know what will work and what won't. I know how I have to approach this, which is basically with zero expectations. She doesn't owe me anything and I don't owe her anything either. We're just two people trying to find our way in the world and looking for the right person to share it with. Sure, I thought it was her for a while. It still might be. Who knows? But at this point i can't possibly bank on that. That would be detrimental to my own peace of mind. I'm a pretty emotional person for the most part. Emotion, however, is not going to do me any good at this juncture. The only thing that's going to serve me here is logic. Logically I know I have to handle this calmly and rationally. If it's meant to work out then it will. I'm not opposed to hard work in a relationship but sometimes when things seem like TOO much work and not enough fun - you know it's not working. So, we'll see. Perhaps we can recapture some of what we had and build on that. If not, we'll just take our own separate paths. I guess the key is being okay with that. If I wasn't then I wouldn't be meeting her for dinner. It's not as if I'm immune to pain and hurt. Surely the first few weeks were some of the hardest I've known. There comes a time, though, when you have to accept reality. I think that's where I am. I know what this dinner is and what it isn't. It's either a starting point or just a casual "How have you been" affair. Either way I'm cool with it.

 

Thanks for following my story. Knowing that you're all here, checking in, offering advice, etc. It all helps a great deal. I wouldn't be as rational right now if you all hadn't helped so much. I can't thank you all enough. I hope that my experience(s) can help some of you as well.

[1784]

Hello All,

 

Not too much of an update but I figured I'd just let you all know where everything is until the dinner date actually takes place. Consider me a test subject for all of you to monitor, point at and comment on - lol.

 

So we're all set for tomorrow evening. Like I said yesterday, I can feel the anxiety building up in my stomach but it's not terrible. she just emailed me before to confirm our plans. There's really not much to read into. All she said was, "Still ok for tomorrow?". I responded, shortly thereafter, with "Yes. I'm looking forward to it. I'll see you there at 7". She just responded with "See you soon".

 

Of course now I'm trying to read into her response or lack thereof. But I probably shouldn't. We're both most likely being very careful with what we say, especially via email. I considered not saying "Looking forward to it" but I thought it was pretty innocent. I made sure no to say anything like "I miss you" or "Can't wait to see you". I didn't just want to respond with a one word answer. It's one thing to be cool, calm and collected but it's another to be just plain cold. I didn't want her going into the dinner with any sort of preconceived notion of how I feel.

 

Anyway, I guess I'm just looking for some positive feedback/advice/rah-rah-sis-boom-ba type of stuff here. Either way, I'll know soon enough how things are. I shouldn't read into that email exchange, right? Sorry, just getting a bit nervous. Not too nervous, just a little.

 

What say you all?

[TheLoneSock]

Just keep in mind that this entire situation is a process of her winning you back. NOTHING else. Don't forget that and you won't go wrong.

[1784]

That's a really good thing to keep in mind, TheLoneSock. You're absolutely right. That is how I have to go into tomorrow evening. I think because it's getting so close my nerves are getting to me a bit. I have nothing to lose here that hasn't already been lost. She blew it. I went NC. She reached out. She asked me to dinner. She's the one who should be worried, not me.

 

Thanks!

[TryTryAgain]

There's nothing to read into. You are looking forward to it, after all. You were polite, plain and simple.

 

I do think it's good she reached out confirming the plans.