Houston, We Have Contact

[TryTryAgain]

1784 -

 

By the way, man...How is your mother doing? I really feel for you right now because having to deal with heartbreak and your mother's situation at the same time is no easy task.

[1784]

You know what, though? It was good. It was almost like talking to her. And you know what else? I stand by EVERYTHING I've posted. And that feels good. It lets me know that I'm being honest with myself and all of you. This isn't about winning. This is about me being truthful about what happened, what I did, what I didn't do, what she did, what she didn't do, etc. And you know what? I have been honest and forthcoming. It just makes me feel further justified in where I am right now.

[1784]

Thanks for asking, TryTryAgain. My mom is 'ok'. She's still doing chemo. But the chemo is really hard. She has it on Thursdays and lately she's been very sick on Fri, Sat, and Sun from it. I mean, this past week she literally felt like she was dying. She has a few more weeks of chemo and then they're going to do a PET scan to see how everything is in terms of spreading, shrinking, etc. So that'll be the big test. Right now she's just trying to keep her strength up (mental and physical). And I sure am glad that I'm there every night to help. I won't get this time back. Ever. So I'm making it count.

 

Thanks again for asking. That meant a lot.

[Leda]

But WE did talk about moving in together closer to my mom. This was something that I was willing to consider. I thought she was willing to consider it too. Why not? It makes perfect sense. But SHE, after a brief discussion with her mom, decided that she did not want to move to my area. She just simply did not want to do it. She wanted to stay in hers, an hour away. I was willing to compromise. She was not. She chose lifestyle over me.

 

Well, that would be a dealbreaker right there for me. I can't believe she wouldn't leap to move with you near your mom--especially since subletting is such an easy option in the hip areas here in NYC--and given that she wouldn't, I can't believe she would then end things. That really does sound appallingly selfish.

 

She seemed to think I couldn't be there for my mom and her at the same time.

 

 

She should've been bending over backwards to be there for you (and your mom) at this time. To me that would involve moving in with you, near your mom. I was puzzled by your seeming not to even want her to do that....and I thought if she had wanted to, and you didn't suggest it and didn't want it, it might have caused her to feel like you didn't really want to be close.

 

And as far as "dealbreakers" go... postponing a move in with her because my mom has terminal cancer does not seem like something to put under that category.

 

Note that I said "the latter"--("We can't live in your apartment right now, we need to sublet it and move into a place together very near my mother, so we can be as close to her as possible while she's sick....let's discuss the options and make a plan" is so different from, "I have to postpone moving in with you while my mother is sick.") would be a dealbreaker....postponing a move in together wouldn't be. Seeming not to care whether you lived together or not, would be....especially if the problem of you having different desires in terms of time spent together had pre-dated your mother's illness. Since you did discuss moving in together close to your mother, I think your ex was appallingly selfish.

 

And yes, of course I actually don't know anything at all about the situation....I'm trying to offer up alternative perspectives as food for thought, some of them semi-devil's-advocate, some not, since I haven't seen any of those perspectives suggested here at all.

 

It was almost like talking to her. And you know what else? I stand by EVERYTHING I've posted.

 

Yeah, god, even if I AM her or her mom or her hipster friends, after your clarifications of what happened, I can't really find a leg to stand on to defend her at this point. Not even a devil's advocate leg!

[TryTryAgain]

I'm so glad you're able to be there for her.

 

So I don't want to pry too much, but what does your mom know about your situation with your ex? It's just curiosity more than anything. I figure since you and your mother have been spending a lot of time together, she must have some motherly wisdom for you. What does she think about the whole situation?

[1784]

@Leda - We discussed the possibility of her moving close to me/my mom very soon after I realized that moving an hour away from my mom would simply not work. This seemed like a very rational, smart, compromising solution. I thought it would be a temporary 'solution' to our dilemma. When we discussed it soon after, she said she was with her mom and her mom asked her what was wrong. My ex told her mom about the possibility of moving near me. Her mom said (according to my ex) "It sounds like you don't want to do that". And my ex said, "I don't". And that was pretty much that. That option was taken off the table. Nice, huh?

 

We wouldn't have even had to sublet her place as we hadn't signed the new lease to her apt. We could have just found a place, most probably for a year, and then moved wherever suited us best. This could have been a good option for us. Apparently she decided that she did not want this. What can I do? You can't force someone. I would have thought she would WANT to at least try this... for me... for my mom. But she didn't.

 

Like I said, Leda, I appreciate the alternate perspective. It really helps me see 'her' side. Where she may be coming from. But like I said, there's nothing that you mentioned (in your original post) that even has me thinking I could have done anything different. I mean, sure, perhaps I could have SAID things differently or something. You can always think back and kill yourself over how you said something. But honestly, the overall message was that I needed to be near my mom. I couldn't live with myself otherwise. I'd regret it forever. And when we had these talks about my mom and me moving in (or not) you have to realize that a lot of it was done with me in tears. Not me DEMANDING things or DECLARING what I was going to do in an insensitive way. I also explained that I needed her there with me. That she was my rock. And I wanted her to spend more time with my mom since she hadn't before. It was me explaining what I had to do in a very apologetic way. Like I said, it killed me to see her so upset. And it upset me as well. Still does. The truth of the matter is, and I've always said this, my ex will most likely be alive for years and years to come. We had TONS of time to move in together. It could have been near me. It could have been just delayed. But I don't see why it had to be all or nothing given the situation. I really don't. I still don't and probably never will.

 

@TryTryAgain - My mom always wanted what was best for me. She felt bad that her condition was getting in the way of me and my ex. Of course I let her know that I wanted to be there for her. That it was the right thing to do. And not to mind my ex. That this "problem" may just be a sign of bigger things to come in terms of selfishness. I tried to just make my mom feel better about it all. What else was I gonna do?

Edited April 13, 2011 by 1784

[TryTryAgain]

That this "problem" may just be a sign of bigger things to come in terms of selfishness. I tried to just make my mom feel better about it all. What else was I gonna do?

 

Yeah, I figured you would have handled it as level-headed as you have everything else. Again, it was just curiosity.

[1784]

The last thing I wanted to do was have my mom feel guilty about my ex and I. She shouldn't. It's absurd. Considering we were close to engagement (she knew of my plans to ask her for her hand this year) you'd think she would do absolutely anything for my mom, just out of pure love for me. She shouldn't be thinking about "Oh well, it's a lot cooler here. There are better restaurants. More things to do", etc. Sometimes I think my ex just doesn't understand just how dire this situation is. Just how FINAL it is. I mean, do you HAVE to have a terminally sick parent in order to empathize with someone else? I don't think so. That's preposterous. But ya know, I think she just never 'got' it. Not fully. It borders on psycho.

 

I did what I thought was right. As I've said, it saddens me that THIS is what ultimately broke up apart. But I don't regret my decision. Ever. I never will. It's not great. I hurt every day because of it. But I wouldn't change it either. It shouldn't have been a test. Her doing what she could for me should have come out of love, instinctually. Instead she just ended it.

[silvermane187]

Just curious, did your ex even ask how your mom was when you had dinner with her? I've never met someone with that amount of narcisism. Stay strong sir.

[1784]

She asked about my mom when we spoke on the phone a couple of weeks ago; but come to think of it, at dinner, no she did not ask about my mom.

[Leda]

We wouldn't have even had to sublet her place as we hadn't signed the new lease to her apt. We could have just found a place, most probably for a year, and then moved wherever suited us best. This could have been a good option for us. Apparently she decided that she did not want this. What can I do? You can't force someone. I would have thought she would WANT to at least try this... for me... for my mom. But she didn't.

 

 

 

Considering we were close to engagement (she knew of my plans to ask her for her hand this year) you'd think she would do absolutely anything for my mom, just out of pure love for me. She shouldn't be thinking about "Oh well, it's a lot cooler here. There are better restaurants. More things to do", etc. Sometimes I think my ex just doesn't understand just how dire this situation is. Just how FINAL it is. I mean, do you HAVE to have a terminally sick parent in order to empathize with someone else? I don't think so. That's preposterous. But ya know, I think she just never 'got' it. Not fully. It borders on psycho.

 

I did what I thought was right. As I've said, it saddens me that THIS is what ultimately broke up apart. But I don't regret my decision. Ever. I never will. It's not great. I hurt every day because of it. But I wouldn't change it either. It shouldn't have been a test. Her doing what she could for me should have come out of love, instinctually. Instead she just ended it.

 

Yeah, her position/behavior is just indefensible. I've been sitting here trying to think of even any whacky devil's advocate defenses or even just explanations for any of it, and I've got nothing.

[1784]

LOL. Well, I'm kind of glad you don't, you know. I hate to be right about this because honestly the whole thing sucks. But it's better than feeling wrong and/or like I could have done something differently. So thanks... I think ; )

Edited April 13, 2011 by 1784

[1784]

Ya know, I just want to throw this out there for all of you keeping up with me and this thread...

 

It could just be a fleeting feeling, as so many are in the short time span after a difficult breakup, but on the way home from work this evening I actually (finally) felt like my ex really is the one who blew it, lost something of great value, SHOULD regret it, SHOULD be sorry, SHOULD want me back, DID make a tremendous error in judgment, SHOULD apologize, SHOULD check her priorities and values, DID take me for granted, will never find someone just like me who loved her as she is, and who lost more than I did. She may not feel or do any of these things. But the fact that I really think she should is a pretty good first step considering how I've been feeling lately.

 

Call it pride. Call it self worth. Call it self respect. Call it whatever you want. I've been told all of these things since the breakup but I've never TRULY believed them myself. I still thought I was sort of blowing it. I felt like I still needed to live up to her standards and expectations. I felt like the one who was losing out. Like she was the standard and I was just trying to meet it. Even with her flaws, even though I did and still do stand by my decision, I felt like she was, well, worth more than me, I suppose. Like I was losing my chance to have the goose that laid the golden egg. Well this evening I felt differently. I felt justified. I found some confidence. I finally started believing the things that so many people (a lot of you included) have been telling me. And you know what? It felt (feels) damn good.

 

It's a moment in time. I know that my feelings will go up and down. I just wanted to post it because I know it's good for me to write it out. It'll be good for me to see tomorrow or the next day or the next day. And I think it's good for all of you to see as well.

 

I'm still confused. I'm still unsure. I still don't know what the future will bring. I still don't know if she'll call or write. But what I do know is that I'm going to be strong, with her or without her. I'm on a mission. I'm on a mission to find me again. The me I always was before all of this heartache started. And that's a worthy mission.

 

I don't mean to get all GUNG HO on you all. I still need ya. Things are going to remain tough. But I did want you all to know how much I appreciate everything you've done for me thus far. Please stick with me. Hopefully we can all help each other out. we're all on a mission and I plan on sticking around to help as much as I can.

Edited April 13, 2011 by 1784

[1784]

Man, where the heck is everyone? I thought that feel good speech would have gotten SOME reaction. There was quite the back and forth this afternoon, though, in case anyone missed it. This thread reads like a reality show.

[Doodled]

Ya know, I just want to throw this out there for all of you keeping up with me and this thread...

 

It could just be a fleeting feeling, as so many are in the short time span after a difficult breakup, but on the way home from work this evening I actually (finally) felt like my ex really is the one who blew it, lost something of great value, SHOULD regret it, SHOULD be sorry, SHOULD want me back, DID make a tremendous error in judgment, SHOULD apologize, SHOULD check her priorities and values, DID take me for granted, will never find someone just like me who loved her as she is, and who lost more than I did. She may not feel or do any of these things. But the fact that I really think she should is a pretty good first step considering how I've been feeling lately.

 

Call it pride. Call it self worth. Call it self respect. Call it whatever you want. I've been told all of these things since the breakup but I've never TRULY believed them myself. I still thought I was sort of blowing it. I felt like I still needed to live up to her standards and expectations. I felt like the one who was losing out. Like she was the standard and I was just trying to meet it. Even with her flaws, even though I did and still do stand by my decision, I felt like she was, well, worth more than me, I suppose. Like I was losing my chance to have the goose that laid the golden egg. Well this evening I felt differently. I felt justified. I found some confidence. I finally started believing the things that so many people (a lot of you included) have been telling me. And you know what? It felt (feels) damn good.

 

It's a moment in time. I know that my feelings will go up and down. I just wanted to post it because I know it's good for me to write it out. It'll be good for me to see tomorrow or the next day or the next day. And I think it's good for all of you to see as well.

 

I'm still confused. I'm still unsure. I still don't know what the future will bring. I still don't know if she'll call or write. But what I do know is that I'm going to be strong, with her or without her. I'm on a mission. I'm on a mission to find me again. The me I always was before all of this heartache started. And that's a worthy mission.

 

I don't mean to get all GUNG HO on you all. I still need ya. Things are going to remain tough. But I did want you all to know how much I appreciate everything you've done for me thus far. Please stick with me. Hopefully we can all help each other out. we're all on a mission and I plan on sticking around to help as much as I can.

 

Welcome to the other side of the breakup fence. The pasture only gets greener from this "it was her mistake" side. Keep on truckin brother!

 

Nice thread btw.

[Ajax]

Man, where the heck is everyone? I thought that feel good speech would have gotten SOME reaction. There was quite the back and forth this afternoon, though, in case anyone missed it. This thread reads like a reality show.

 

Sorry 1784. I've been following, but haven't had time to respond yet. Also, thanks for the great response on my thread.

[1784]

Welcome to the other side of the breakup fence. The pasture only gets greener from this "it was her mistake" side. Keep on truckin brother!

 

Nice thread btw.

 

Thanks, Doodled. I appreciate the confidence but I'm not quite there yet. Just a caffeine-inspired rant. Oh, it's all true and I do still feel better right this second then I did yesterday at this time but my feelings are still all over the place. Baby steps, ya know?

 

I miss her. That's what it comes down to. Sure, I'm feeling a little more prideful tonight and I know that's a good thing. Standing up for myself and looking at the situation with a little more logic and perhaps a tad less emotion... for the moment. I still can't imagine how she could quit on us for the reason that she gave. And I know some of you might say "Well, maybe it was more than just that reason". Sure, it could be but she is pretty damn forthcoming when it comes to how she feels. A while back when I asked her "Would we still be together had I moved in as scheduled" she gave a very resonant "Yes". That's a tough pill for me to swallow no matter how I'm feeling about myself and my decisions.

 

Look, I'm going to do whatever I can to get better. I have no choice. Life is too short to mope around all day every day. The thing is, man... I really loved this girl. I still don't really 'understand' what the heck happened. I'm not sure I ever will. I'm still wondering if she's gonna come around or not. I'm back to NC and while I know that's what I'm going to do I sometimes question if it's the right thing to do. I think it is. I think she needs to realize what she's giving up. I think she needs to miss me and not just for a few weeks. She needs to feel what it's like to know I'm gone. I just can't believe it's come to all this. And I know that's a feeling that so many people here on LS have gone through or are currently going through. We went from plans of marriage and kids and everything else associated with that life to.... this. To me wondering if I'll ever see or hear from her again. Hell, if I was a betting man I'd say I will hear from her. She reached out once and I think she will again. When? No clue. That's up to her and the realizations she either does or does not come to.

 

I feel so many things every day. I miss her so much it hurts. I'm so angry it hurts. I'm so sad it hurts. I'm so unsure it hurts. I miss my best friend and confidant. It literally makes me sick to think that part of her is saying "I need to get over him". It all just hurts so much of the time. And then sometimes it doesn't. I'm trying to live in those moments. I'm trying to expand upon them. But I am determined to go through this in as healthy a way as I can.

 

All I know is that she gave up a lot. I know that for sure. And a lot of what I felt before was that I was blowing it. Well, she's blowing it. I didn't do anything that deserved this outcome. We'll see what happens. Either way, I'm gonna be happy with my life. She can either ask to be a part of it again or not. And right now I'm not as sure as I used to be that I want her to be. There'd be a lot of work involved with getting things straight because this type of thing could never happen again. That's where I am. I'm trying to be patient with her... but mostly with my self.

Edited April 14, 2011 by 1784

[GreenPolicy]

Ya know, I just want to throw this out there for all of you keeping up with me and this thread...

 

It could just be a fleeting feeling, as so many are in the short time span after a difficult breakup, but on the way home from work this evening I actually (finally) felt like my ex really is the one who blew it, lost something of great value, SHOULD regret it, SHOULD be sorry, SHOULD want me back, DID make a tremendous error in judgment, SHOULD apologize, SHOULD check her priorities and values, DID take me for granted, will never find someone just like me who loved her as she is, and who lost more than I did. She may not feel or do any of these things. But the fact that I really think she should is a pretty good first step considering how I've been feeling lately.

 

I feel the exact same way about my ex. Six months on though it still hurts. And I still miss her. Did you ever read my story:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253770/

[TryTryAgain]

It's late here, but I wanted to respond and let you know that I also had a night where I started to feel like me again. It was an exhilarating feeling. These women don't know what they're missing! We are the sh**!

 

I miss my ex too, but it's nights like these where I sort of feel bad for her with what she is missing.

 

 

1784, I hope your enthusiasm carries on into Thursday. It's infectious!

[ratchet529]

I've been lurking in this thread for a few days and I signed up just to say that reading this thread is inspirational in many ways, and always gives me great perspective and usually makes me feel better. I think all the posters involved have been excellent in articulating their thoughts and feelings and have been incredibly honest and to the point.

 

I have hope for the OP and we share a lot of similarities in terms of our breakup. Reading a lot of this has given me a ton of strength, now on day 27 or so of full NC since the very breakup on the phone. The past 24 hours have been probably the roughest, but literally just reading and reminding myself what I've seen in this thread has kept my resolve strong, and I hope everything works out in the end for everyone involved with this thread.

[Doodled]

Thanks, Doodled. I appreciate the confidence but I'm not quite there yet. Just a caffeine-inspired rant. Oh, it's all true and I do still feel better right this second then I did yesterday at this time but my feelings are still all over the place. Baby steps, ya know?

 

I miss her. That's what it comes down to. Sure, I'm feeling a little more prideful tonight and I know that's a good thing. Standing up for myself and looking at the situation with a little more logic and perhaps a tad less emotion... for the moment. I still can't imagine how she could quit on us for the reason that she gave. And I know some of you might say "Well, maybe it was more than just that reason". Sure, it could be but she is pretty damn forthcoming when it comes to how she feels. A while back when I asked her "Would we still be together had I moved in as scheduled" she gave a very resonant "Yes". That's a tough pill for me to swallow no matter how I'm feeling about myself and my decisions.

 

Look, I'm going to do whatever I can to get better. I have no choice. Life is too short to mope around all day every day. The thing is, man... I really loved this girl. I still don't really 'understand' what the heck happened. I'm not sure I ever will. I'm still wondering if she's gonna come around or not. I'm back to NC and while I know that's what I'm going to do I sometimes question if it's the right thing to do. I think it is. I think she needs to realize what she's giving up. I think she needs to miss me and not just for a few weeks. She needs to feel what it's like to know I'm gone. I just can't believe it's come to all this. And I know that's a feeling that so many people here on LS have gone through or are currently going through. We went from plans of marriage and kids and everything else associated with that life to.... this. To me wondering if I'll ever see or hear from her again. Hell, if I was a betting man I'd say I will hear from her. She reached out once and I think she will again. When? No clue. That's up to her and the realizations she either does or does not come to.

 

I feel so many things every day. I miss her so much it hurts. I'm so angry it hurts. I'm so sad it hurts. I'm so unsure it hurts. I miss my best friend and confidant. It literally makes me sick to think that part of her is saying "I need to get over him". It all just hurts so much of the time. And then sometimes it doesn't. I'm trying to live in those moments. I'm trying to expand upon them. But I am determined to go through this in as healthy a way as I can.

 

All I know is that she gave up a lot. I know that for sure. And a lot of what I felt before was that I was blowing it. Well, she's blowing it. I didn't do anything that deserved this outcome. We'll see what happens. Either way, I'm gonna be happy with my life. She can either ask to be a part of it again or not. And right now I'm not as sure as I used to be that I want her to be. There'd be a lot of work involved with getting things straight because this type of thing could never happen again. That's where I am. I'm trying to be patient with her... but mostly with my self.

 

No problem man. My last relationship wasn't anything special. Short and she ended pretty much out of the blue with a very short variation of the whole "it's not you it's me" line. But the principles and dynamics are all the same. We are willing to give it our all and work towards a bright future. Then one day they jump ship and we are left in shock, sadness and whatever other unpleasant adjective you can apply.

 

Let me tell you something though. I'm almost four months since break up and I would never go back. Not because she's a terrible person(she's not), not because I don't care for her(I do). But because there is no going back to a dirty slate like that. A slate so filled with heartbreak that it can never be forgotten(it can be forgiven though, very important step).

 

What I was trying to say though, is I'm almost completely over her in these four months. And this is a girl I really loved and connected with despite the shortness. We just had a fire like nothing else. A chemistry. We still do which brings me to my next point. I still have to see this girl at school at least once a week the entire four months we've been separated and I was still able to get over her. Despite all the crumbs, despite all the hugging, all the flirting that to this day she still does. Never once did I hint or beg to get back to her.

 

The last week I've come to realize something. As I have slowly and surely gotten over her I will still have these occasions where I wonder about her and what could have been and all that crap. I've been catching myself though and realizing it's not her I miss(remember I don't give a woman a second chance, no matter how I feel about her) it's the relationship. Wanting a relationship will never go away and my advice is to ask your self constantly as you recover what it is you miss more? Her or the relationship? At first it will be her and the relationship but one day if you keep asking yourself that question you'll realize yyou don't want her back and then you will be ready to start anew.

 

And to thing I've come this far with her constant mind games. Mind games I choose to play along with because what she docent know is I will never try to be with someone who docent want to be with me. Her mistake, "have a good life, I'll always consider you a good friend and you can call me anytime." then never answer the phone

 

Sorry I'm getting a bit sarcastic here but being tough on the women you choose to be with not only gives you self respect but it weeds out the weak women and leads you towards the one you'll want to actually spend your life with someday.

 

So buddy, whenever your having a down day just remember: your great and she was too weak to handle it. Good luck my friend.

[Exit]

Yeah it's a great feeling when you finally start to realize that the other person messed up too. It's a refreshing change to all the threads around here about "I did everything wrong! I got comfortable! I took her for granted!". Oh stop it. They did things wrong too. And they did lose good people. The fact that we even care enough to be on a website like this trying to confront our feelings and analyze them and understand them proves that we care more than most.

[1784]

Thursday. It's a new day. Mornings are always the toughest time of the day for me. I generally wake up thinking about her for no particular reason. I guess when you first wake up is the hardest time to distract yourself. Then you get your day going and real life comes into play.

 

Acceptance. I think one of the hardest things for me to do is accept how she truly is. I'm actually better at accepting the situation then I am at accepting the selfish things that she did. I realize that things have a better chance of being truly over then they do at being reconciled. I think so far, though, I haven't really held her 100% accountable for the way she was, the actions she took, etc.

 

I mean, even our most recent dinner-date, for example. What the hell came from that? She sends me texts telling me how much she misses me, then we talk on the phone and I get pretty much the same sentiment, then we meet for dinner and I know and feel that she misses me. And now nothing. So what the hell was the point? For her to get a little 1784 fix and then continue on? I think it was selfish. Big surprise. I didn't contact her for a few separate reasons but ONE of those reasons was that I respected her decision enough to leave her be. She just does what she wants, over and over and over. And I think this is something I really need to hold her accountable for. I think I let it slide for way too long.

 

It's easier when you're just dating someone. We obviously we're supposed to move in together. That never transpired and you all know why if you've kept up with this thread. Dating her was easy. I could always go back to my side of the bridge and refresh/unwind/etc. I always knew, whatever happened, I still had my fortress of solitude. This was good and bad, I suppose. It allowed me to see what I wanted to see because I didn't have to live with it 24/7. But for that same reason it was bad. I could sweep something under the rug and know that when I next saw her we would be removed from that situation. So, in a way, I saw what I wanted to see. perhaps it was just a little too easy to be forgiving because I could escape it. It was never permanent. I got to go home. I think that this had a lot to do with how much I was willing to take from her in regards to her selfishness. I'm trying to work it all out.

 

So yeah... acceptance. It's everything. I think I'm slowly but surely taking her down off of that pedestal. I had her pretty high up there. I loved the things I saw in her. and the things I didn't love as much... I think I didn't hold her as accountable as I should have. This is why it's been so hard and why I've been blaming myself a lot. In my eyes, even when she was being terrible I was able to 'accept' her for it. Well, now I'm trying to just be plain honest about what i did and did not like. The selfishness... it was prevalent a lot of the time. It wasn't a 'once in a blue moon' type of deal. And as you all know, it came to a head with my mom's situation. I can't say I "should have seen it coming" but I don't think I should be all that surprised either. Not as surprised as I initially was.

 

So that's this morning's thought. That's what I commuted with in my head. Have at it - lol.

Edited April 14, 2011 by 1784

[silvermane187]

I totally understand the caffine induced optimism. I get that every once and while. Then the next day rolsl around and you're back where you were before, maybe slightly better in an almost unnoticable way.

 

Missing her is only natural. Our brains got so used to have her around that it takes a LONG time for it to rewire. I remember how crazy I was for the girl I was interested in before my current ex. It wasn't even a real relationship, and yet when it was over it took me months and months just stop thinking about her constantly. It was torture. Eventually though I would stop thinking about her so much, shortly after that I stopped caring about her at all. Now she's engaged and I can look at her facebook wall and and pictures and be totally indifferent. With my current ex I hope for the same thing to happen, although it will take years and years before I don't care consdiering how close we were compared to the first girl I was crazy about.

 

Mornings are always the worst for people like us. That's when we have the least control of our thoughts and the introspective nature works against ones self. Our brains switch in to default mode. I'm at 6 months 1 week since the breakup and last week was the first time I woke up without instantly thinking of my ex. Only because I watched a disturbing war movie before I went to bed. After a minute or two she popped in to my head and I thought "wow...that was a nice change". Today was the second time I didn't wake up thinking about her. I hope to make it through the morning until I leave for work without thinking about her in the coming months. I doubt it will happen, but it's a nice goal to have.

 

Anyway there is a chat room I found in the coping section that is a nice distraction some nights when I needed somewhere to vent. You should check it out if you find yourself going crazy inside your head. I'll probably be in there tonight since I've been having some bad days obsessing about her lately...

[1784]

I don't have anything profound to write this evening. Last night I was feeling strong and confident and tonight I'm feeling pretty depressed. Maybe the caffeine works both ways? Who knows. Maybe I'm just tired, which I am right now. I just can't come to an understanding that I'm happy with for more than a few hours at a time. I just don't understand. I don't even know what I don't understand. I just know I feel utterly confused.

 

Am I doing this right? Should I just be "NC" with her as I am right now? Is this the right approach? Am I losing valuable time? How can she ask me to dinner and then just disappear again? Is she expecting me to contact her now? How could I be this person in her life that she said she had been waiting forever for and then be nothing? I just don't understand. I need a refresher from all of you. What is your take on the whole situation now that you have tons and tons of material with which to work from? I need advice. I'm in a weird place right now. How can she do this?!?

 

I feel rejected. I mean, it's not like I asked her out and she said no. We dated for 3+ years and I was supposed to move in with her. How did I get from there to here? Again, this might just be me refusing to accept the very obvious things in front of me, specifically the selfishness in which she handled everything. This is not something to take lightly, I understand that. What she did was put her own needs before a very delicate/sensitive/personal situation. and I simply cannot ignore that. Maybe I have my answer and am unwilling to fully accept it. If I had to guess... that's what it is. I don't want to believe it. It's very hard to accept this from someone you were planning on asking for marriage. All of those reasons why i wanted her hand do not simply go away. They're there each and every day. all of the memories, all of the smiles, all of the affection, all of the promises, all of the hopes and dreams. How do I just say to myself "Oh well. Go NC and work on yourself"? Seriously? That's what I do with all this? Maybe so.

 

Anyway, people... I could sure use a mini refresher on things this evening. I'm feeling it tonight. I dunno why. There wasn't something specific that brought it on. It's just there and it doesn't feel very good. I think I'm just not being very patient with myself. I think I expect too much too soon. and I think that seeing her a week ago tomorrow probably didn't help. I'd do it again... but it didn't help.