What brand of affair was ours?

[BB07]

Hi SG........in answer to your original question as to what kind of an affair it was, it seems not to fit any of the usual scenarios.

I think I'm recalling this right so correct me if I'm wrong but seems that your mm married into the marriage with a pretty clear understanding of what the conditions were?

 

If that is a correct assumption that would concern me and I would think that someone who knowingly walked into a situation like that with eyes wide open I would have to understand why that was and I would want to be satisfied that I was looking at it objectively. I would also want to feel that he addressed whatever was in him that allowed himself to be OK with being mistreated and what was in him that thought it was OK to settle for a shell of a marriage such as they had.

[Silly_Girl]

Hi SG........in answer to your original question as to what kind of an affair it was, it seems not to fit any of the usual scenarios.

I think I'm recalling this right so correct me if I'm wrong but seems that your mm married into the marriage with a pretty clear understanding of what the conditions were?

 

 

Not sure where that comes from BB. The two major issues, from my POV, definitely weren't set out upfront. She claimed not to believe in sex before marriage and he understood it had been the same for her parents (who appear to have had a great R, by all accounts). This turned out to be untrue and they had no sex. This hurt him greatly in many ways and he tried hard to support her in seeking to understand why, and to address it, but to no avail. Secondly she had an affair, left for quite a period, then returned but never wore her wedding ring and was furious if his family sent them anniversary cards and still continued the EA after the PA. Even now her AP is her closest friend and confidante.

[Silly_Girl]

.....what was in him that thought it was OK to settle for a shell of a marriage such as they had.

 

I saw it as a shell. They appear to have seen it as comfortable and easy. The routines that developed over the years meant they were able to live in quite an odd way but they 'managed'.

 

Also, much as it's 2011 BB, there are people who still don't believe in divorce, in any circumstances. We may not agree but there are people with that view.

[BB07]

Not sure where that comes from BB. The two major issues, from my POV, definitely weren't set out upfront. She claimed not to believe in sex before marriage and he understood it had been the same for her parents (who appear to have had a great R, by all accounts). This turned out to be untrue and they had no sex. This hurt him greatly in many ways and he tried hard to support her in seeking to understand why, and to address it, but to no avail. Secondly she had an affair, left for quite a period, then returned but never wore her wedding ring and was furious if his family sent them anniversary cards and still continued the EA after the PA. Even now her AP is her closest friend and confidante.

 

 

Sorry SG........I think I got the details mixed up on what the conditions were.

[tami-chan]

I saw it as a shell. They appear to have seen it as comfortable and easy. The routines that developed over the years meant they were able to live in quite an odd way but they 'managed'.

 

This definitely happens. It happened in my marriage- for a loooong time and we managed very well. We had an orderly,quiet household and raised a good kid. Until MM came into my life and then I wanted more for me.

 

I guess my affair was an "exit affair"- that was long and winding...

[blissfullyoblivious]

If MM would have remained married without you to catch him surely it is an exit affair.

[silktricks]

Call me silly, but I just don't think it matters what "kind" of affair it was. You two are together and happy. Your guy is (at least mostly) out of what was obviously a very bad and unfortunate marriage. All is well that ends well.

[Silly_Girl]

Call me silly, but I just don't think it matters what "kind" of affair it was. You two are together and happy. Your guy is (at least mostly) out of what was obviously a very bad and unfortunate marriage. All is well that ends well.

 

I don't disagree, I am just nosey that way and had seen some info previously about the 'different kinds'.

 

To be honest I suspect I wouldn't recognise us in the different types, if I tried. Having thought harder about it.

 

Thanks Silk.

[OWoman]

Call me silly, but I just don't think it matters what "kind" of affair it was. You two are together and happy. Your guy is (at least mostly) out of what was obviously a very bad and unfortunate marriage. All is well that ends well.

 

I wish LS had a "like" button, for posts like this!

[whathesaid]

I agree. The man was very unhappy and needed to leave his marriage. He could have done it the respectable way and chose not to. I think he felt guilty having an affair and knew he needed to end with his wife first. Now he is stuck with his choice of having had the affair and I think that may not be good for your future. He obviously doen't really believe that you should be involved in an affair and that, even though he had a part of it, may in the long run cloud his opinion of you because you chose to be an affair partner even if it was with him.

 

 

I haven't been reading here long enough to know the labels placed on the different kind of affairs but I would guess it was an honest love affair. An affair of the heart and mind and that is why he chose to be with you.

 

As to the kind of twisted thinking in this quote, it is sheer rubbish that a man who falls in love with a woman while he is still married is going to think poorly of his OW because she was a participant in the love affair with him. I love and trust my OW implicitly. The fact that she loves me enough to stand by my side while I try to extricate myself from my marriage proves to me that she loves me in the same unconditional manner in which I love her. If anything her willingness to love me so wholey and without reserve makes me cherish her all the more.

 

Silly Girl do not believe this attempt to place unwarranted fear into your heart. He loves you all the more for the fact that your love for him has been without conditions and requirements.

[OWoman]

I love and trust my OW implicitly.

 

And, I would hope, explicitly?

[whathesaid]

And, I would hope, explicitly?

 

LOL. That too. As often as is possible.

[Silly_Girl]

I haven't been reading here long enough to know the labels placed on the different kind of affairs but I would guess it was an honest love affair. An affair of the heart and mind and that is why he chose to be with you.

 

As to the kind of twisted thinking in this quote, it is sheer rubbish that a man who falls in love with a woman while he is still married is going to think poorly of his OW because she was a participant in the love affair with him. I love and trust my OW implicitly. The fact that she loves me enough to stand by my side while I try to extricate myself from my marriage proves to me that she loves me in the same unconditional manner in which I love her. If anything her willingness to love me so wholey and without reserve makes me cherish her all the more.

 

Silly Girl do not believe this attempt to place unwarranted fear into your heart. He loves you all the more for the fact that your love for him has been without conditions and requirements.

 

Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

[jthorne]

I haven't been reading here long enough to know the labels placed on the different kind of affairs but I would guess it was an honest love affair. An affair of the heart and mind and that is why he chose to be with you.

 

As to the kind of twisted thinking in this quote, it is sheer rubbish that a man who falls in love with a woman while he is still married is going to think poorly of his OW because she was a participant in the love affair with him. I love and trust my OW implicitly. The fact that she loves me enough to stand by my side while I try to extricate myself from my marriage proves to me that she loves me in the same unconditional manner in which I love her. If anything her willingness to love me so wholey and without reserve makes me cherish her all the more.

 

Silly Girl do not believe this attempt to place unwarranted fear into your heart. He loves you all the more for the fact that your love for him has been without conditions and requirements.

If your OW helped you to find alternate living arrangements so you could move out, but then on the day you were supposed to move, you went MIA, don't you think the OW would be irresponsible to NOT consider all of the possibilities?

[whathesaid]

If your OW helped you to find alternate living arrangements so you could move out, but then on the day you were supposed to move, you went MIA, don't you think the OW would be irresponsible to NOT consider all of the possibilities?

 

To consider that I somehow had morphed into someone who would think her anything but an exemplary woman based on the fact that she was willing to love me? That is ridiculous and an utterly rubbish thing for her to ever think. Should she consider that there were some unforseeable complications? Sure. Should she consider that I got into a horrible car accident? Possibly. But to think that I thought less of her as a woman in any way for her involvement in the affair with me is asinine and purely the invention of someone who has never been on the receiving or giving end of real unconditional love.

[donnamaybe]

I can't recall the threads, but I have seen more than one post on LS from a MM who thought less of his OW BECAUSE she was sneaking around with him.

 

I know it's hypocritical, but whattayagonna do?

[whathesaid]

I can't recall the threads, but I have seen more than one post on LS from a MM who thought less of his OW BECAUSE she was sneaking around with him.

 

I know it's hypocritical, but whattayagonna do?

 

 

I suppose for a man who has a Madonna complex where his wife is concerned but is looking for a somehow lesser woman that he can get his penis wet with then this is possible. I have never been that kind of a man and I can not abide those that are.

 

But in such a case the man likely sought out a woman of low class to begin with and never changed his thinking of her but rather always thought poorly of her. Is that not more likely to be the proper scenario?

[jthorne]

I don't agree with that - I think that depends on individual circumstances. Some LS members have lived with their SOs for years, openly and happily, despite their SO never having formally D'd their (x)S. Is that technically an A? Others have Dd their S, but have kept their GF secret from their S and have continued to prioritise the xS and treat the GF as second best, conforming to the worst kind of A stereotype, despite the D. I can't see the first scenario being regarded by the average person as an A, and while the second scenario is clearly not an A (since the person is D) the experience of the GF in that situation is that it may as well be.

Both technically AND legally she's still an OW, which was my point. Unless MM did the same thing you said yours did and change all of his legal paperwork to leave her medical power of attorney and the beneficiary of his assets, that is. If he were to be in an accident, medical decisions would defer to the current W. If he were to die, his assets would defer to her as well, etc etc etc. If they really loved the OW that much, it seems to me that they would want the OW to be protected. But if an MM were to go to all of the trouble to change all that paperwork, it seems a little odd that they wouldn't just file that divorce paperwork too while they were at it.

[donnamaybe]

I suppose for a man who has a Madonna complex where his wife is concerned but is looking for a somehow lesser woman that he can get his penis wet with then this is possible. I have never been that kind of a man and I can not abide those that are.

 

But in such a case the man likely sought out a woman of low class to begin with and never changed his thinking of her but rather always thought poorly of her. Is that not more likely to be the proper scenario?

Not necessarily. A woman of ANY "class" as you call it could fall in love with a manipulator. I'm not saying that's the case here, but that HAS been the case in many A situations that I have read about here on LS.

[whathesaid]

Not necessarily. A woman of ANY "class" as you call it could fall in love with a manipulator. I'm not saying that's the case here, but that HAS been the case in many A situations that I have read about here on LS.

 

You seem to be unable to grasp what I am saying. What I mean is that when a man like that seeks another woman for an affair, he is purposefully targeting women that he thinks are morally, emotionally, and characteristically beneath him. Which has absoultely nothing to do with socioeconomic class distinctions you seem to believe I am implying. He does not seek someone he feels is his equal in those areas so he is not changing his perception of her because of her willingness to have an affair with him. He always had that perception of her, it is her "loose" morals that he was seeking to begin with.

Edited March 14, 2011 by whathesaid

[donnamaybe]

You seem to be unable to grasp what I am saying. What I mean is that when a man like that seeks another woman for an affair, he is purposefully targeting women that he thinks are morally, emotionally, and characteristically beneath him. Which has absoultely nothing to do with socioeconomic class distinctions you seem to believe I am implying. He does not seek someone he feels is his equal in those areas so he is not changing his perception of her because of her willingness to have an affair with him. He always had that perception of her, it is her "loose" morals that he was seeking to begin with.

Wow, that's quite a blanket assumption. How do you know some of these guys aren't looking to "conquer" a woman who's not an easy target? A master manipulator like that who is probably in it partly for the ego strokes wouldn't get much of an ego stroke for "doing" a gal everyone else can easily have.

[BB07]

You seem to be unable to grasp what I am saying. What I mean is that when a man like that seeks another woman for an affair, he is purposefully targeting women that he thinks are morally, emotionally, and characteristically beneath him. Which has absoultely nothing to do with socioeconomic class distinctions you seem to believe I am implying. He does not seek someone he feels is his equal in those areas so he is not changing his perception of her because of her willingness to have an affair with him. He always had that perception of her, it is her "loose" morals that he was seeking to begin with.

 

 

Well........true in some cases but not always true.

Some men are scum, some aren't. Some men that have affairs are scum, some aren't. Assuming that every man is the same or feels as you do is well ass-suming.

[whathesaid]

Wow, that's quite a blanket assumption. How do you know some of these guys aren't looking to "conquer" a woman who's not an easy target? A master manipulator like that who is probably in it partly for the ego strokes wouldn't get much of an ego stroke for "doing" a gal everyone else can easily have.

 

Because I was discussing one particular type of man that is more likely to have the feelings that were being atrributed to Silly Girl's boyfriend and how unlikely that scenario would be in the case we are discussing.

 

Obviously you are unable to follow the flow of thought beyond the immediate, so further discussion with you on this matter would be a moot point as every time I make a point clearly and rationally you want to change the entire concept behind the discussion. My wife is very much like that. I have suggested many times she be tested for Attention Deficit Disorder.

[whathesaid]

Well........true in some cases but not always true.

Some men are scum, some aren't. Some men that have affairs are scum, some aren't. Assuming that every man is the same or feels as you do is well ass-suming.

 

I am in no way assuming that all men feel as I do. I think I made that quite evident by pointing out a particular type of man who feels the complete opposite of what I do. Did I not?

[donnamaybe]

Well........true in some cases but not always true.

Some men are scum, some aren't. Some men that have affairs are scum, some aren't. Assuming that every man is the same or feels as you do is well ass-suming.

WORD BB!!!!!!!