Before going cold turkey

[Amour7]

You're welcome..

 

 

This is good.

 

 

 

true, but that's what break up's do. You don't engage with that person anymore on that intimate or emotional level. That's when you need to reach out to good friends and come on here and post.

 

 

 

So, you feel good for an hour, then the sadness and yuck feelings come back, you're low.

 

 

All this does is prolong the pain and keep you sucked in and addicted.

 

What's your passion in life? Something you really enjoy.. A hobby or a sport, taking pictures with a camera, painting, working out, seeing movies, going to an art show or a museum..Anything that will put a smile on your face. Also, pamper yourself, go a step further, go with a friend and get massages, pedicure, facial, your nails done.

 

I know you feel awful, and you're hurting. Just got to ride out this rollercoaster for a while and you'll notice as time goes on the period of time you feel crummy will be less.

 

You ever skydive? That could get your blood going!

 

WWIU, your insight was helpful today. I have had a slower day at work and my mind has been consumed by thoughts of emailing him, calling him,

seeing him, etc. Every time I get close to composing an email, I can hear all of my "supporters" on here telling me why not to. Now I need to make those voices come from within me.

 

For now my quick and dirty mantra is, "This relationship is too painful and he's not going to leave his wife.". I've repeated it to myself over and over. For now, at least, it seems to be working.

[lovingwhatis]

Amour, now that you are out of crisis mode, the hard part comes. Sure, the breaking up seemed hard, but that's only a beginning.

 

What wwiu is suggesting is a good step for a week or two but then what? That void that you experience will remain no matter how many passionate hobbies you throw yourself in. If you want a stop gap measure, things will be that. But dont delude yourself that they will take care of the deeper pain.

 

You are self aware and can see what you are craving. And those things nobody can provide for you. That's just my opinion. The thing about someone making you whole, its a tall order. You can spend time here figuring out why things happened the way they did. There is a value in that. But again, nothing will give you that feeling in the beginning of the day, the sense that yes things are in their place and there is no hole in your heart.

 

Sorry to sound harsh.. Look within, face your fears. A mantra will not save you.

Edited March 15, 2011 by lovingwhatis

[whichwayisup]

WWIU, your insight was helpful today. I have had a slower day at work and my mind has been consumed by thoughts of emailing him, calling him,

seeing him, etc. Every time I get close to composing an email, I can hear all of my "supporters" on here telling me why not to. Now I need to make those voices come from within me.

 

For now my quick and dirty mantra is, "This relationship is too painful and he's not going to leave his wife.". I've repeated it to myself over and over. For now, at least, it seems to be working.

 

I'm glad it's helped and even more so since you DIDN'T give in. You are strong! Keep telling yourself this over and over again. Definately chant it too!

 

It's okay to write him, say what you want to say, how you miss him or love him..But it's for your eyes only. Do not ever send it by email or by hand written letter. Theraputic reasons only! Actually if you're typing, do it word or some other program, not your email client!!

[mizliz]

WWIU, thanks for a quick response and for encouraging me to reflect on this more deeply.

 

The advantage to NC is that it breaks me free of the past dynamic where I get overtaken with emotion and ignore what I want for myself. The disadvantage: I don't have anyone else to engage with on a truly emotional level.

 

How will I feel if I do get back in contact? Like I got the crack I was craving, or like I am at the mercy of the dealer, or perhaps a combo of the two.

 

Will things change in the R? Probably not. It just might feel like a temporary boost for me to be heard, to feel wanted, etc. If not from him, I need something! I have been keeping busy, bought new running shoes, went for a long run, out to happy hour, dinner, and a concert. I have been trying to do enjoyable things and be good to myself, and I still feel a terrible void that is so uncomfortable I feel desperate to fill it.

 

For gawd's sake - breathe.

 

Cry- you are going to anyway...it's ok. Stop expecting so much from yourself. Take time for you. Remember whats important. Stop...love you.

[Amour7]

Amour, now that you are out of crisis mode, the hard part comes. Sure, the breaking up seemed hard, but that's only a beginning.

 

What wwiu is suggesting is a good step for a week or two but then what? That void that you experience will remain no matter how many passionate hobbies you throw yourself in. If you want a stop gap measure, things will be that. But dont delude yourself that they will take care of the deeper pain.

 

Sorry to sound harsh.. Look within, face your fears. A mantra will not save you.

 

This does sound harsh. I don't disagree but it's tough to get feedback like this when the breakup pain is still so fresh.

 

I broke down and emailed him. I know I took two steps back. The thing is that 1% of me is holding out hope that MM will leave his M. I never flat out asked if we would, and he said in 10+ years, after the kids are grown, blah blah. So I restated in the email that the R was too painful as it was, but also asked him to tell me definitively if he would make plans to leave now for me. I feel like I need reassurance that I did everything I could to make it work between us and for me. With that question, I can now have some peace. That might not make sense to anyone, but I felt like I needed to do that so I can have some resolution.

 

 

Problem is now I put power back in his court. I wait for a reply. I think it is quite possible I won't hear from him- that is until he is out drinking and horny maybe. What I lost by sending the email was showing him I have resolve.

[myname]

This does sound harsh. I don't disagree but it's tough to get feedback like this when the breakup pain is still so fresh.

 

I broke down and emailed him. I know I took two steps back. The thing is that 1% of me is holding out hope that MM will leave his M. I never flat out asked if we would, and he said in 10+ years, after the kids are grown, blah blah. So I restated in the email that the R was too painful as it was, but also asked him to tell me definitively if he would make plans to leave now for me. I feel like I need reassurance that I did everything I could to make it work between us and for me. With that question, I can now have some peace. That might not make sense to anyone, but I felt like I needed to do that so I can have some resolution.

 

 

Problem is now I put power back in his court. I wait for a reply. I think it is quite possible I won't hear from him- that is until he is out drinking and horny maybe. What I lost by sending the email was showing him I have resolve.

 

I totally understand that sentiment, the questioning of whether you let it go and walked away while there was still something more you could have done to make things work.

 

I hope you do get some resolution and whatever the case don't blame yourself for having feelings and not being able to turn them off easily.

[20Seconds]

I broke down and emailed him. I know I took two steps back. The thing is that 1% of me is holding out hope that MM will leave his M. I never flat out asked if we would, and he said in 10+ years, after the kids are grown, blah blah. So I restated in the email that the R was too painful as it was, but also asked him to tell me definitively if he would make plans to leave now for me. I feel like I need reassurance that I did everything I could to make it work between us and for me. With that question, I can now have some peace. That might not make sense to anyone, but I felt like I needed to do that so I can have some resolution.

 

 

Problem is now I put power back in his court. I wait for a reply. I think it is quite possible I won't hear from him- that is until he is out drinking and horny maybe. What I lost by sending the email was showing him I have resolve.

 

I completely understand this too Amour but I think you understand this man will probably not give you resolution on this, because he still wants to continue the A.

 

My biggest, bestest advice to you is this. Don;t ask him what he's doing, tell him what you're doing.

 

Decide on your boundaries - is it complete NC, or no sex, or no meet-ups, unless he decides to get a divorce? Tell him what they are. If you don;t feel comfortable with telling him, say you're "making a suggestion" (this worked really well with my MM because I think it appears less of an ultimatum, which can feel like taking all options away from the other person).

 

Put the ball in his court in terms of action - he needs to make a decision if he wants to contact / see you / sleep with you ever again - but keep the empowerment - you've set the boundaries that you are happy with and that protect you from further hurt.

 

Chances are he won;t make the decision - perhaps he simply can't. Don't blame him for that - he's not promised you he's leaving right now, so you just have to recognize it as a possible - OK, likely, outcome.

 

I know how hard this is, I am struggling with the exact same thing right now.

[mizliz]

This does sound harsh. I don't disagree but it's tough to get feedback like this when the breakup pain is still so fresh.

 

I broke down and emailed him. I know I took two steps back. The thing is that 1% of me is holding out hope that MM will leave his M. I never flat out asked if we would, and he said in 10+ years, after the kids are grown, blah blah. So I restated in the email that the R was too painful as it was, but also asked him to tell me definitively if he would make plans to leave now for me. I feel like I need reassurance that I did everything I could to make it work between us and for me. With that question, I can now have some peace. That might not make sense to anyone, but I felt like I needed to do that so I can have some resolution.

 

 

Problem is now I put power back in his court. I wait for a reply. I think it is quite possible I won't hear from him- that is until he is out drinking and horny maybe. What I lost by sending the email was showing him I have resolve.

 

Sweet pea - do you see what you are doing to yourself? Did you receive a reply from him? Don't torture yourself waiting for an answer that you already know. It only serves to keep you stuck.

 

You can't turn off your feelings, but you can re-direct the energy to yourself. He is not going to give you what you need in terms of an eloquent resolution - he just can't, hun.

 

Don't look to him for peace - it won't come. Know that you did everything you could and you loved him. You are a loving, beautiful soul and you deserve to be happy. You will never get the closure you think you need -stop waiting on him and take the next step...

 

Wake up with the sunrise. Write down all the things about you that you love. Focus on you.

[Amour7]

Thanks, 20seconds. Good advice. Fortunately/unfortunately (however you want to look at it), a most disgusting reality check has occurred. The story below may sound like it's untrue, but unfortunately, it is the nasty truth.

 

Some of you may recall from earlier posts, that only one friend knew of my A, and i have been feeling so isolated in my pain because I have no one to talk to about it. So, tonight I confided in a friend who I know has been in love with a MM before and whom I wondered if anything ever happened with my MM because they are good friends. It turns out they had an extended love affair, he professed he had never loved anyone like her, essentially used all the lines with her that he used with me, kept her roped in for nearly two years, and when they finally ended it, it was about the time he started coming onto me. We discovered that when he and I had a brief split, he went back to her. And then guess what, he called her this weekend (after his and my breakup and NC) and was full of sexual innuendos and "what ifs." Also called her tonight at 5:01 after he left me a message at 5:00.

 

I am stunned beyond belief, revolted, and also feel like I shouldn't have expected any better. Serial cheater, piece of sh--! Who knows what I don't know? How could I love someone so despicable? I knew he was a cheater, so why should I be shocked and disappointed? The veil of denial is coming off. What a waste of my life.

[mizliz]

Thanks, 20seconds. Good advice. Fortunately/unfortunately (however you want to look at it), a most disgusting reality check has occurred. The story below may sound like it's untrue, but unfortunately, it is the nasty truth.

 

Some of you may recall from earlier posts, that only one friend knew of my A, and i have been feeling so isolated in my pain because I have no one to talk to about it. So, tonight I confided in a friend who I know has been in love with a MM before and whom I wondered if anything ever happened with my MM because they are good friends. It turns out they had an extended love affair, he professed he had never loved anyone like her, essentially used all the lines with her that he used with me, kept her roped in for nearly two years, and when they finally ended it, it was about the time he started coming onto me. We discovered that when he and I had a brief split, he went back to her. And then guess what, he called her this weekend (after his and my breakup and NC) and was full of sexual innuendos and "what ifs." Also called her tonight at 5:01 after he left me a message at 5:00.

 

I am stunned beyond belief, revolted, and also feel like I shouldn't have expected any better. Serial cheater, piece of sh--! Who knows what I don't know? How could I love someone so despicable? I knew he was a cheater, so why should I be shocked and disappointed? The veil of denial is coming off. What a waste of my life.

 

Stay with your feelings, but don't let them overcome you. Now is the time to take good care of yourself. Cry...it's healing. You will anyway.

 

Remember you...

[Jane Deaux]

(((((((((((Armour)))))))))))))

 

Sooo sorry for the pain you are going to be experiencing.

 

I know you will look upon this as a faster means to an end. I hope you get through this as fast as possible. Use all the anger, tears and strength you can muster to stand up and be strong each day. This is a blessing in disguise. No pining years from now wondering what if.

[lovingwhatis]

Omg amour, my heart stopped when i read this!!!!! Hugs to you!!!!!

 

This is shocking, yes i know this breaks your heart. At least now you Know though! Think how powerful your intuition is that you confided in her!

 

I was going to write you today about my harsh response, and now i just want to say, dont be hard on yourself!!!!!! Please be kind to yourself. you wanted to believe in love, that is not the bad thing. You got lied to, but now you know. That's what matters in this moment!!

 

You WILL get through this!

[Amour7]

Thanks Jane, Miz Liz, and Loving What Is. Your sympathy and encouragement are comforting.

 

I cried my eyes out most of the night and am waking up feeling depleted. My anger toward him has subsided but I wish it hadn't. Instead, I am angry with myself, thinking I deserve this betrayal because I took part in betraying his wife. It's only justice that my heart would be broken, that I would be lied to, that I would feel loved and special and then have the rug pulled out from under me.

 

I am sorry for sounding so pathetic. Somewhere in me there is a strong, resilient woman. I am smart and successful at work, just miserable at relationships. I'll see my therapist next week and now I have a friend to talk to who completely understands- that is the silver lining for me. And this community, too.

[greengoddess]

Thanks Jane, Miz Liz, and Loving What Is. Your sympathy and encouragement are comforting.

 

I cried my eyes out most of the night and am waking up feeling depleted. My anger toward him has subsided but I wish it hadn't. Instead, I am angry with myself, thinking I deserve this betrayal because I took part in betraying his wife. It's only justice that my heart would be broken, that I would be lied to, that I would feel loved and special and then have the rug pulled out from under me.

 

I am sorry for sounding so pathetic. Somewhere in me there is a strong, resilient woman. I am smart and successful at work, just miserable at relationships. I'll see my therapist next week and now I have a friend to talk to who completely understands- that is the silver lining for me. And this community, too.

 

You can get rid of him for good. Think how betrayed you feel right now. Now think about his wife. Tell his wife. You will feel better about yourself and he will finally leave you alone. The man is scum.

[mizliz]

Thanks Jane, Miz Liz, and Loving What Is. Your sympathy and encouragement are comforting.

 

I cried my eyes out most of the night and am waking up feeling depleted. My anger toward him has subsided but I wish it hadn't. Instead, I am angry with myself, thinking I deserve this betrayal because I took part in betraying his wife. It's only justice that my heart would be broken, that I would be lied to, that I would feel loved and special and then have the rug pulled out from under me.

 

I am sorry for sounding so pathetic. Somewhere in me there is a strong, resilient woman. I am smart and successful at work, just miserable at relationships. I'll see my therapist next week and now I have a friend to talk to who completely understands- that is the silver lining for me. And this community, too.

 

I'm glad you posted. I was thinking about you.

 

You don't sound pathetic at all. I totally understand what you're feeling, as do many here. Please don't beat yourself up - although it's difficult, it's really important to stay as positive as possible right now. Keep the bolded part of what you wrote at the forefront of your mind, and repeat it as often as neccesary.

 

Glad to hear you will be seeing your therapist, and that you have a friend to confide in. Banish those negative thoughts of "deserving" betrayal...etc. Focus on you and take good care.

[lovingwhatis]

Amour, I am so glad you have a friend you can really confide in now. That's really helpful!

 

The very hard truth, and I am only saying this because you said that you'd like to keep the anger at this point in time, is that if it wasn't you it would have been someone else(your friend or another woman). He would have betrayed his wife regardless. You in your grief may take that to mean that you are expendable, but that is Not true, it is only so in the eyes of a deeply flawed individual who lives in a delusional world. So you got sucked into that world.. So be it. Today is a new day, the first day of the rest of your life. I know that's hard to see when the pain is so strong, but you are strong, you really are! Your heart will heal. (((amour)))

[Emme]

Amour OMG... I'm so sorry honey. This is horrible to hear. I am happy though that you now know more about who he is. I am sure this can't be easy for you but you are strong. You can get through this. He is not even worth cursing out. Keep talking if you need us... it does help coming here and talking. :bunny::bunny:HUGS:bunny::bunny:

[20Seconds]

Amour I'm so sorry to hear your news although honestly I think in the end this will be the best thing for you...

 

MM was never likely to give you closure but this could do.

 

Take really good care of yourself over the next few weeks, and keep talking to your friend and us.

 

One day soon you'll just feel sorry for this pathetic loser. He's living in a fantasy world where he's some amazing lothario who has women falling at his feet - that's only achievable by lying to ALL of you - about who he is, what he wants and how he feels.

 

What kind of a life is that?

 

How sad that this man will never experience love, true commitment or personal integrity.

 

Take care of yourself while you heal from this.

[Amour7]

I am sorry to disappoint you and even more sorry to disappoint myself. I answered his phone call and then met him. He wanted to tell me that he does want to leave for me but it can't be right now. I told him what I know about my friend/ his xOW and he confirmed some of what she said but told me he has never felt for anyone what he feels for me. His W has never really understood him and even though they have done marriage counseling for years, their emotional intimacy hasn't improved. He has been searching for that in other women, and recognizes that he has been trying to find a woman to help fill a void/ heal wounds from his childhood. Hence the serial cheating. But he says no one has ever understood his heart like I do and he feels like he is finally home with me.

 

My heart melts for this sh--. Why? Is this just PhD level manipulation of my heart? I know it is against all my better judgment to be talking to him. I know. Because now I am hooked back in. I reiterated that we can't go back to how things were. I am afraid, though, that I am losing my strength.

[20Seconds]

I am sorry to disappoint you and even more sorry to disappoint myself. I answered his phone call and then met him. He wanted to tell me that he does want to leave for me but it can't be right now. I told him what I know about my friend/ his xOW and he confirmed some of what she said but told me he has never felt for anyone what he feels for me. His W has never really understood him and even though they have done marriage counseling for years, their emotional intimacy hasn't improved. He has been searching for that in other women, and recognizes that he has been trying to find a woman to help fill a void/ heal wounds from his childhood. Hence the serial cheating. But he says no one has ever understood his heart like I do and he feels like he is finally home with me.

 

My heart melts for this sh--. Why? Is this just PhD level manipulation of my heart? I know it is against all my better judgment to be talking to him. I know. Because now I am hooked back in. I reiterated that we can't go back to how things were. I am afraid, though, that I am losing my strength.

 

Hey Amour, stay strong!!

 

You know at best this paints a picture of an emotionally immature person who uses manipulation and power games to get what they want because they lack the skill to communicate and negotiate effectively in relationships and are unwilling to compromise.

 

He obviously can;t deal with rejection because he has to have one - or more- fall-back options available to him should anything go wrong in his "main" relationship at the time.

 

His W is also a fall-back - I wouldn;t mind betting his reluctance to leave his marriage is based more on the security it provides him than any other excuse he may give you. Perhaps he doesn;t get his needs met in his marriage but he is probably using his W to provide the fall-back for the times when things are not going well in his affairs.

 

You are not going to fix this man, Amour, and he is not leaving his wife.

 

I hope my thoughts are useful to you. I think you can do this!!

[mizliz]

I am sorry to disappoint you and even more sorry to disappoint myself. I answered his phone call and then met him. He wanted to tell me that he does want to leave for me but it can't be right now. I told him what I know about my friend/ his xOW and he confirmed some of what she said but told me he has never felt for anyone what he feels for me. His W has never really understood him and even though they have done marriage counseling for years, their emotional intimacy hasn't improved. He has been searching for that in other women, and recognizes that he has been trying to find a woman to help fill a void/ heal wounds from his childhood. Hence the serial cheating. But he says no one has ever understood his heart like I do and he feels like he is finally home with me.

 

My heart melts for this sh--. Why? Is this just PhD level manipulation of my heart? I know it is against all my better judgment to be talking to him. I know. Because now I am hooked back in. I reiterated that we can't go back to how things were. I am afraid, though, that I am losing my strength.

 

Armour - I know how difficult this is, but I think you should really listen to the advice from 20seconds. MM is using emotional manipulation to keep you invested in the A on his terms (I want to leave, but I can't yet...did he say when?) He knows what your buttons are, and EXACTLY how to push them. During your meeting, did he ask you how you feel, or what you want? Please think about this.

 

MM said all the same things to me...him and his wife went to counseling, but nothing changed. He wished he wasn't such a coward that he couldn't leave, they didn't have sex and he was unhappy...etc. But guess what? Unhappy people don't have babies together. He kept me in the dark about his wife's pregnancy the entire time because he knew I would have left immediately. Honey, they will say anything to keep you hooked - I know you know this.

 

It's not your responsiblity to help him heal his childhood wounds - that's what therapy is for. Recognize that he isn't the least bit interested in "healing" or growing, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. And, he will have it with or without you.

 

You deserve so much better than this. He will never leave, Armour -it's up to you to detach and open yourself to new possibilities. You have no idea what's in store for you, or what opportunities you may directly/indirectly pass on while so invested in MM.

 

I don't mean any of this to hurt you -Just please, trust your instincts. I wish you the best.

[Emme]

I am sorry to disappoint you and even more sorry to disappoint myself. I answered his phone call and then met him. He wanted to tell me that he does want to leave for me but it can't be right now. I told him what I know about my friend/ his xOW and he confirmed some of what she said but told me he has never felt for anyone what he feels for me. His W has never really understood him and even though they have done marriage counseling for years, their emotional intimacy hasn't improved. He has been searching for that in other women, and recognizes that he has been trying to find a woman to help fill a void/ heal wounds from his childhood. Hence the serial cheating. But he says no one has ever understood his heart like I do and he feels like he is finally home with me.

 

My heart melts for this sh--. Why? Is this just PhD level manipulation of my heart? I know it is against all my better judgment to be talking to him. I know. Because now I am hooked back in. I reiterated that we can't go back to how things were. I am afraid, though, that I am losing my strength.

 

 

I am so sorry Amour. Listen to the ladies above. I know you might think you shouldn't have gone out with him. It's ok to loose focus little. You just went out and that was it be proud of yourself. Brush yourself off and start again that's all. :bunny:HUGS:bunny:

[lovingwhatis]

Amour, you can turn off the soap opera. The ladies have given you some great advice. All i'd like to add is figure out why you want to save him with your love. Isn't this what's melting your heart? Ask your friend what hw said to her when they broke up, why is she in contact with him anyway? Their breakup should shed more light. Trust her words not his.

 

Take good care of yourself.

[mizliz]

I realized I kept writing your name as Armour - possible Freudian slip, perhaps?

 

Sorry Amour. I hope you are seeing things clearly, today.

[20Seconds]

During your meeting, did he ask you how you feel, or what you want?

 

That's a great point Mizliz. I just thought back over the 12 months PA I had with ex-MM and...er....I don;t think he ONCE asked me what I wanted.

 

He used to say things like "I would like to give you so much more than I can" which I think is a way of managing down expectations. To this I would say something like: "Don't worry, I know you can;t" and not feel like I could say what I really wanted at that point.

 

Of course since then and with the blinkers off, I realize usually the discussions about what people want from a relationship are two-way. Goes back to the point about wanting things entirely on their terms.

 

I hope our thoughts are helping you Amour, please come back and post how you are.