Before going cold turkey

[Flabbergaster]

This will be more blunt, because I'm trying to communicate how important it is you give yourself the best chance for success. I know you're in a lot of pain...don't put yourself in a situation where you will have a painful confrontation and then stay.

 

I am surprised by the advice to do this by email (I wouldn't send him anything in the real mail).

Here's the reason why an xMM is giving you this advice:

I don't think you can do this in person, not today. You have realized that you need to end the A, because you can't take the pain of being in it.

Once, xOW started to end the A for similar reasons (in person). I agreed with all her reasons, despite the pain...and then she talked me into not letting her end the A.

If you go in person, part of you will want to talk yourself into staying.

He won't have to try hard to convince you to stay, even have 'makeup' sex for 'treating him badly.'

This guy is super manipulative and you still care for him; don't put yourself in a vulnerable situation!

 

I don't want to denigrate what we had by putting it to an end in a couple sentences in email.

There is a difference between saying "this relationship is over because it hurts too much" and saying that it has no meaning in your life. Ending this by email with a simple dry "this is over, it is too painful for me to be involved with a MM. I am no longer willing to accept this limited relationship. Please respect my wishes and do not attempt to communicate to me further." does not denigrate anything. You will still be happy for the good parts.

 

Anyway, I feel horrible thinking how he will receive it. Tell me more about how I shouldn't be concerned.

He'll be upset that he didn't get booty one more time.

He'll go home TO HIS WIFE and have sex with her.

He'll move on and recover, much faster than you will.

He is not your husband; you are not responsible for how he feels. His feelings are no longer your responsibility: I set you free.

 

So, as for tomorrow, I really feel like I can't get away with not seeing him. He will come by later [snip] I have a hard time lying

Try this...tell a friend, "I need you to create an emergency so I can avoid someone, without lying. Create an emergency that needs me to come to see you, please." That lets you avoid, without lying.

Or...just go see a movie in the theater.

You're going to end this, not in person, so avoid pesonal contact.

 

 

he will insist upon seeing me Thurs. I can't put this off much longer.

Continue to not answer the phone and sending delayed responses. He can insist to vm; your sms will let him know that "something has come up."

 

He will know something is up. He will be totally pissed.

HIS problem, not yours.

 

I always cave and smooth things over.

Which is why I don't think you should try to do this in person, or try to talk to him in person this month at all.

 

And it's possible he will be suspicious I am seeing someone else, and might come over anyway.

At this point you will NOT open the door, not admit him. SMS him that you do not want to talk to him and you request that he leave.

If he doesn't leave, call the police and tell them an exBF is trying to break down your door and you are scared. DO NOT open the door to him, or you will cave and be back in pain.

 

I know you're in a lot of pain; I've been there.

I know you're afraid that you're going to lose somethign wonderful; I've been there, too.

I PROMISE YOU that this is the best option you have, that with time you will be glad you followed through and did the right thing.

Right now...you don't have any "good" choices." You have a "really bad" option (stay with him) and a "painful not cool" option (end the A). I'm sorry that neither of these doors leads to a treasure. I PROMISE YOU that if you choose to end the A, you WILL find a treasure once you recover. If you stay in the A...you will only get more pain.

Edited March 9, 2011 by Flabbergaster

[Emme]

An email in general does not indicate disrespect. It is a different form of communication. It is communication. Writing a sentence may be a bit too brief, but a short email explaining how you don't want to be involved is sufficient. Especially with someone who has manipulated conversations before, why not?

 

It depends on your character as to what one deems as disrespectful. I find emails direspectful. Even phone calls you can add to the list. To not give someone the respect you gave them through out the course of a relationship at the end is wrong, to me. If you cared about someone you would want to give them that last stance of knowing how much you truly cared but things are just not going in the direction you'd hoped. I have no issues with her sending the email as I've said. It's safer for her due to her circumstances.

[Emme]

If you go in person, part of you will want to talk yourself into staying.

He won't have to try hard to convince you to stay, even have 'makeup' sex for 'treating him badly.'

This guy is super manipulative and you still care for him; don't put yourself in a vulnerable situation!

 

 

*Applause Flabbergaster* It's safer for you Amour.

 

 

At this point you will NOT open the door, not admit him. SMS him that you do not want to talk to him and you request that he leave.

If he doesn't leave, call the police and tell them an exBF is trying to break down your door and you are scared. DO NOT open the door to him, or you will cave and be back in pain.

 

 

SMH ... Brilliant post, every word of it.

[Amour7]

Thanks for all the posts today. Your support and advice have helped more than you will know.

 

So, I will text him shortly and tell him I can't do tonight and I will explain by email. I have the email written and ready to send. I am proud of what I said and didn't say.

 

I have a meeting that will go until later this evening, but I think it will be good to have something to do and be surrounded by people. I just have to "turn off" my emotions for a while tonight.

 

I will send an update once I've sent the communications.

 

Blessings to all who are supporting me though this. If karma exists, as another thread explores, you will be rewarded for your goodness, I am sure.

[Emme]

That's the spirit! Good luck hun.

[bobfisher]

It often seems that an MM will leave a OW alone if there's another guy in the picture, but not if she's single. My exMM was like this... I kept trying to end it with him but he wouldn't listen to me unless I said the magic words "new guy." (I wasn't married or with anyone else besides exMM during our affair). Then he would get all indignant and say "Well fine, if you want to be with him, I'll step out of the picture." Never mind the fact that he was still married and I had been sharing him all along. In the end it did make it easier to tell him there was another guy, even though I just wanted/needed to be alone, because he wouldn't take "I need to be done with this/ alone" for an answer, and I wasn't strong enough for quite some time to stick to it... so it helped me if he thought another guy was in the picture because then he would leave me alone more. I guess it means they don't respect us as individuals and only as a guy's property??

 

bobfisher I'm not trying to put words in your mouth or judge you based on my exMM. What you said just reminded me of him and I am having some hurt feelings about it all. So I'm not trying to attack you or discourage you from posting. I'm just sharing my thoughts on the matter and my own experience. In my own personal sitch I feel like exMM thought of me as "his" even though he was married and it made it easier for him to "give me up" if he thought about me with another guy. Whereas I wish he could have seen me as my own person, independent of any guy, who was making my own decision to end the affair. But I guess that was unrealistic and I often couldn't back it up with (in)action and finally would just start going on dates and telling him about them so that he would leave me alone. It was stupid really. Anyway thanks for sharing the MM's perspective bobfisher... everyone always says there isn't enough of that around here.

 

Thanks Star_Bright, I appreciate that. The more I think about it, the more I think you're right. I wonder if when I talked the OW out of leaving if I was communicating to her that I don't see her as her own person. I hope not. I want her to feel strong and independent and able to end it whenever she wants. I wonder if I should actually tell her that... Anyway, You're totally right. I've had A's with OW who were single, had a boyfriend, and married. For some reason the relationship with each of them is very different, but basically if the single woman tries to end it I get more "hurt" as if we were both single and dating and she were breaking up with me. Which really isn't fair and doesn't make any sense since, as you said, the OW has been "sharing me." That's just how I feel for some reason. I've never really thought about that, maybe this deserves it's own thread.

[bobfisher]

Good luck! And just for the record, I like Flabbergaster's advice much better than mine. His post was brilliant and dead on. If you get it done his way, there's no lying involved and you're likely to feel stronger when it's over. You can do it!!!!

[Amour7]

Well, I did it. I emailed him, and he left me voicemail and texted, saying it was disrespectful for me to end it that way. Boy, he knows my buttons- the thought of me being disrespectful to him was too much. He pleaded to meet somewhere neutral, and I did. I know, I know. You were all right. I should not have met him. This was the addict acting. I think I wanted to see him torn up over this, and he wasn't really. But he did pull out a lot of tactics, such as telling me someday he would have the courage to leave his kids, reminding me how I said this was the deepest love I have ever felt, and followed my car home. He gave me an ultimatum on the phone (yes, I answered : decide it's over and never hear from him again or invite him in and tell him it isn't the time to do this. Well, I said more than I should've but did say goodbye and did not invite him in. It is taking everything inside me not to call him back.

 

I know I have it in me to get through this. At least I know I have to tell myself this.

[lovingwhatis]

Yes, you will get through this! You are a brave woman. HUGS!!

 

God, i know its hard. You gotta be alone now, with your pain. Breathe deep, feel where it is in your body, and focus on the sensation of it. After a bit it becomes much easier to deal with, even moreso you may see that that pain is not going to destroy you.

 

Get some sleep.

 

And as far as how tonight went, he knew what buttons to push, especially about the one of how much you've loved him. Listen, the love is love, it is not contingent on anything else. I know deep down for you this is about the love lost. Mourn that. But maybe look at your perception of love more. I know i had to do it to gain a better perspective than what the movies had taught me. One more thing,loving someone does not mean you imprison them in circumstances that are not good for them. And that's what he is attempting to do.

 

Talk soon!

[Flabbergaster]

I'm proud of you. Sure you didn't do perfect to plan, but you DID accomplish the objective. You tried to follow your plan, rather than do it the 'addict' way from the start. The fact that you tried to do it your way and did your best to react to a VERY skilled manipulator...that's really important. That's you taking control of the bad situation.

Despite his best efforts, you stuck to your guns and did not cave. He pushed you around with manipulation, but you did not yield to him.

 

 

Well, I did it. I emailed him,

Good for you! I know it was hard. You took control, you stopped letting him be in control of everything.

 

and he left me voicemail and texted, saying it was disrespectful for me to end it that way. [snip] He pleaded to meet somewhere neutral,

read as: he wants to convince you to keep suffering emotionally cause you're good in bed, your emotional sacrfice strengthens his selfconfidence

 

I know, I know. You were all right. I should not have met him. This was the addict acting.

I think it's very good that you realize already it was a mistake to meet him, why you wanted to meet him, and why it was a mistake. Without thinking on the advice everyone gave you, you might not have realized this for several days / weeks. Being able to see how this was selfish manipulation from him and not something to benefit you or honor the love you had given him will help you recover.

 

But he did pull out a lot of tactics, such as telling me someday he would have the courage to leave his kids,

Leave? SOMEDAY??? Sorry, but too late. You've waited long enough. As the song goes...someday never comes.

To all OW: if you hear this "someday i will leave" bs, say "how about today, right now? Let's get out the phone book and call a divorce lawyer." If he says that, he is manipulating you (or cake eating). Unless he starts showing paperwork, assume that he is lying.

 

reminding me how I said this was the deepest love I have ever felt, and

Pfft, your love for him is your concern not his. If he loved you as much, he would have left and spent every night with you. He did not; you are not obligated to stay and suffer.

 

followed my car home.

FYI this is intimidation tactic, kind of like standing up in a meeting when you're speaking loudly, or the way a salesman will casually sit on desk (to be taller than you) while you sit in chair. Either of these actions pressure the recipient into action.

keep that in mind the next few days...you communicated to him that you were in pain, and he responded by using bully tactics to put you back in line. That's not love.

 

 

He gave me an ultimatum on the phone (yes, I answered : decide it's over and never hear from him again or invite him in and tell him it isn't the time to do this. Well, I said more than I should've but did say goodbye and did not invite him in.

Wow, he was still trying for one last bj. This guy has a LOT of self confidence. It's not "The Situation" is it??

You said goodbye, you succeeded withthe objective. :)

 

It is taking everything inside me not to call him back.

HOLD THE LINE

KEEP THE FAITH

DO NOT CALL HIM

So many of us are standing right behind you, whispering "don't call, it hurts we've been there, you will feel better if you don't call or answer"

 

I know I have it in me to get through this. At least I know I have to tell myself this.

YES you do!!

 

NEXT STEPS:

Get a box. Put all the mementos in the box. You're not throwing it away, you're just putting them away for a little bit. This includes pictures, etc.

Take his phone number off your phone (you can write it down and put it in the box). Delete his sms from your phone (you can back them up on a computer first). Copy all the electronic files (email, pics, sms backup, whatever) on a memory stick and put it in the box; delete it from the computer. Don't listen to music that makes you sad...maybe don't listen to music at all for a bit. You are NOT erasing him, you are putting these strong 'emotional triggers' out of sight for a short time.

 

You CANNOT communicate to him in anyway right now. Tell yourself "I'm not going to communicate to him in March." We'll deal with April when you get to April

 

Brace yourself. from what we've heard... I think he's going to (verbally) attack and insult you. He's going to try to make you feel bad and cry, so he can say "now we talk about discipline for your behavior." he's going to try to break you emotionally, make you apologize to him on your knees, take away your dignity.

 

 

He's probably going to call again. And again.

DO NOT answer his calls, not for anything. Not to tell him off, not to say "don't call. Do not listen to the VM, just delete them.

 

DO NOT read his sms or email. Just delete them, because he's choosing words to HURT you. If you are using gmail or some other free program, 'block' him as a sender.

 

If he comes to your house, do not answer the door or respond to his sms. If he doesn't leave promptly, call the police and explain "a MM that I had an A with is banging on my door. I'm afraid. Can you please send someone by to ask him to leave me alone, and make sure that I'm safe? I prefer not to press charges, I'm afraid to talk to him myself."

Don't communicate you're going to do this; he'll use that communication to trick you into an argument. If he is banging on your door, his behavior has crossed the line of acceptable and he should fully expect that the police will be called. The police are HAPPY to talk to him on your behalf, because they like protecting women. Esp when the women are smart and don't open the door / respond to the aggressor.

 

If he comes to your job, just walk away and ask your management / security to remove him. Don't talk to him yourself, let someone else do it.

[spice4life]

Well, I did it. I emailed him, and he left me voicemail and texted, saying it was disrespectful for me to end it that way. Boy, he knows my buttons- the thought of me being disrespectful to him was too much. He pleaded to meet somewhere neutral, and I did. I know, I know. You were all right. I should not have met him. This was the addict acting. I think I wanted to see him torn up over this, and he wasn't really. But he did pull out a lot of tactics, such as telling me someday he would have the courage to leave his kids, reminding me how I said this was the deepest love I have ever felt, and followed my car home. He gave me an ultimatum on the phone (yes, I answered : decide it's over and never hear from him again or invite him in and tell him it isn't the time to do this. Well, I said more than I should've but did say goodbye and did not invite him in. It is taking everything inside me not to call him back.

 

I know I have it in me to get through this. At least I know I have to tell myself this.

 

Wow! This guy takes manipulation to a whole new level. His only concern is obvious...it's his own needs. The fact that he was not torn up about this speaks volumes. His lack of empathy is showing that he doesn't have the capacity to truly care about someone. Above in bold is him just trying to lay a tremendous quilt trip on you for wanting more from him. Yikes!

 

Sweetie, I know this is hard, but you really need to run away from this guy and never look back. It is clear that he is just using you to satisfy his own ego. I hope you stick to NC, this guy is not worth it.

[lovingwhatis]

Flabbergaster, that's some good advice. Let's trust that it wouldn't get to that point for you, Amour, but I do agree that based on MM's behavior last night you may be wise to expect some further douchebag moments.. I do feel that it is important to stick to your position and go NC. There will come a moment when the fog that he helped create with his manipulation will lift for you, and you will able to breathe so much better. (((Amour)))

[Emme]

Well, I did it. I emailed him, and he left me voicemail and texted, saying it was disrespectful for me to end it that way. Boy, he knows my buttons- the thought of me being disrespectful to him was too much. He pleaded to meet somewhere neutral, and I did. I know, I know. You were all right. I should not have met him. This was the addict acting. I think I wanted to see him torn up over this, and he wasn't really. But he did pull out a lot of tactics, such as telling me someday he would have the courage to leave his kids, reminding me how I said this was the deepest love I have ever felt, and followed my car home. He gave me an ultimatum on the phone (yes, I answered : decide it's over and never hear from him again or invite him in and tell him it isn't the time to do this. Well, I said more than I should've but did say goodbye and did not invite him in. It is taking everything inside me not to call him back.

 

I know I have it in me to get through this. At least I know I have to tell myself this.

 

:bunny::bunny:HUGS:bunny::bunny: I am so proud of you honey!

 

 

Flabbergaster when is your book coming out???

[fooled once]

How are you feeling today?

[whichwayisup]

Well, I did it. I emailed him, and he left me voicemail and texted, saying it was disrespectful for me to end it that way. Boy, he knows my buttons- the thought of me being disrespectful to him was too much. He pleaded to meet somewhere neutral, and I did. I know, I know. You were all right. I should not have met him. This was the addict acting. I think I wanted to see him torn up over this, and he wasn't really. But he did pull out a lot of tactics, such as telling me someday he would have the courage to leave his kids, reminding me how I said this was the deepest love I have ever felt, and followed my car home. He gave me an ultimatum on the phone (yes, I answered : decide it's over and never hear from him again or invite him in and tell him it isn't the time to do this. Well, I said more than I should've but did say goodbye and did not invite him in. It is taking everything inside me not to call him back.

 

I know I have it in me to get through this. At least I know I have to tell myself this.

 

Don't beat up on yourself, you handled the way you needed to. Bottomline is, you ended it and didn't back down. You didn't let him manipulate you, and you stood your ground. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Sorry you're hurting. Stay strong. Let yourself grieve and cry..it's okay, don't be afraid of hurting. Just know, this hurting will help you get over him and get him out of your heart. Don't call call him, when you do get the urge come post on here!

[Amour7]

How are you feeling today?

Well, fortunately I had such a busy day facilitating meetings that I didn't have much opportunity to obsess over this. I checked LS quickly over lunch and was so heartened to hear your perspectives.

Don't beat up on yourself, you handled the way you needed to. Bottomline is, you ended it and didn't back down. You didn't let him manipulate you, and you stood your ground. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

I do feel proud of myself. One of you gave me an analogy that this was like a final exam, and I didn't need to get an A; I just needed to pass. I passed.

 

Now that I am home alone, with a glass of wine and my cat, I feel the sadness coming on. I know I need to grieve. It's just that it sucks. It's painful, and it feels like the hurt will never go away. During the day, I can bury myself in work, and I have a good job, where I feel successful and important, so I think that will help. It's the nights and weekends that will be hard. xMM and I both have very busy work schedules, but spent a lot of evenings together, so being home alone during the weeknights is going to take getting used to.

 

Oh, Flabbergaster, your posts are spot on, and the brutal honesty makes me want to laugh and cry!

Wow, he was still trying for one last bj. This guy has a LOT of self confidence. It's not "The Situation" is it??

Thanks for the laugh!

 

HOLD THE LINE

KEEP THE FAITH

DO NOT CALL HIM

So many of us are standing right behind you, whispering "don't call, it hurts we've been there, you will feel better if you don't call or answer"

Keep whispering, and yell to me, don't email him. I have had a thousand fleeting thoughts of emailing him- angry emails, hurt emails, business emails, advice emails...

You CANNOT communicate to him in anyway right now. Tell yourself "I'm not going to communicate to him in March." We'll deal with April when you get to April

 

Brace yourself. from what we've heard... I think he's going to (verbally) attack and insult you. He's going to try to make you feel bad and cry, so he can say "now we talk about discipline for your behavior." he's going to try to break you emotionally, make you apologize to him on your knees, take away your dignity.

 

 

He's probably going to call again. And again.

DO NOT answer his calls, not for anything. Not to tell him off, not to say "don't call. Do not listen to the VM, just delete them.

 

Actually, I don't think he will call for a while. I think he thinks he is punishing me by not calling. Remember how he made it seem like he was the one in control with his ultimatum? "Invite me in or you'll never hear from me." Well, I need to remind myself, and make myself believe, that this is what I want. Part of me wants the validation of hearing that he can't live without me.

Sweetie, I know this is hard, but you really need to run away from this guy and never look back. It is clear that he is just using you to satisfy his own ego. I hope you stick to NC, this guy is not worth it.

 

You are right Spice, but I need to keep reminding myself of this over and over!

 

And now, it's time to be with the pain. And my second glass of wine and my kitty.

 

Thanks again for the support. I wouldn't have been ready to do this without you.

Edited March 11, 2011 by Amour7

[RGP]

Oh, this sounds tough. I am so impressed though. Wasn't that long ago that you were posting that you didn't think you had it in you and look, yes you did! How are you feeling today? I can only imagine.

 

I am learning from you and other posters that my MM is probably as much of a douche as the others. I've had blinders on, too. Is manipulation pretty common by these MM? I didn't realize how much manipulation goes on. Flabbergaster is showing me the light! Amour, can you see more clearly ways that you were manipulated by him?

 

Anyway, stay strong, girl. It's gotta get better. I am pulling for you.

[Amour7]

So, 3 days NC on either side. Good, right? I will admit, though, it has felt like mental gymnastics to stay strong. I think of what I miss, then I feel an urge to email him, then I have to find something that I'm angry about to remind me of why I should be relieved it's over. Damn, this is hard work. Honestly, I have to be thankful he is not contacting me because I would be so tempted to hear what he has to say, against all better judgment. Btw, I think I need to change my ringtone because every time it rings, it makes me wonder if it's him. Maybe a change in the ring will help...?

 

I am learning from you and other posters that my MM is probably as much of a douche as the others. I've had blinders on, too. Is manipulation pretty common by these MM? I didn't realize how much manipulation goes on. Flabbergaster is showing me the light! Amour, can you see more clearly ways that you were manipulated by him?

 

Anyway, stay strong, girl. It's gotta get better. I am pulling for you.

 

RGP, good question, and my guess is, yes, manipulation is common by MM but I only know my experience. Looking back, it is becoming clearer. For example, I think he was manipulative in pulling me into the A to start. I was going through a divorce, so sad and vulnerable at the time. I usually have very clear boundaries but being in such a state at the time, he and I really started connecting emotionally. There was definite sexual tension, but I never considered acting on it until he told me, near tears, that he was going to separate from his W because things were so bad. So, my heart melted for this supposedly wounded man, and the rest is history. And actually, while my heart melted for him, I feel like he really encouraged me to fall hard and fast for him. He pushed back when I had a guard up and did some magic for me to take it down. He said he loved me first (early into the PA), and the list goes on. The more I think about it, the more pissed I get about it.

 

Perhaps other OW can illuminate if they feel manipulation was/is largely at play in their A... I was in denial about a lot in my R. I should have recognized it earlier... The fog metaphor others have referenced is very true. It's hard to see clearly when you are in the thick of an emotionally charged A.

[mizliz]

So, 3 days NC on either side. Good, right? I will admit, though, it has felt like mental gymnastics to stay strong. I think of what I miss, then I feel an urge to email him, then I have to find something that I'm angry about to remind me of why I should be relieved it's over. Damn, this is hard work. Honestly, I have to be thankful he is not contacting me because I would be so tempted to hear what he has to say, against all better judgment. Btw, I think I need to change my ringtone because every time it rings, it makes me wonder if it's him. Maybe a change in the ring will help...?

 

 

 

RGP, good question, and my guess is, yes, manipulation is common by MM but I only know my experience. Looking back, it is becoming clearer. For example, I think he was manipulative in pulling me into the A to start. I was going through a divorce, so sad and vulnerable at the time. I usually have very clear boundaries but being in such a state at the time, he and I really started connecting emotionally. There was definite sexual tension, but I never considered acting on it until he told me, near tears, that he was going to separate from his W because things were so bad. So, my heart melted for this supposedly wounded man, and the rest is history. And actually, while my heart melted for him, I feel like he really encouraged me to fall hard and fast for him. He pushed back when I had a guard up and did some magic for me to take it down. He said he loved me first (early into the PA), and the list goes on. The more I think about it, the more pissed I get about it.

 

Perhaps other OW can illuminate if they feel manipulation was/is largely at play in their A... I was in denial about a lot in my R. I should have recognized it earlier... The fog metaphor others have referenced is very true. It's hard to see clearly when you are in the thick of an emotionally charged A.

 

Manipulation is always a part of an A. Once someone has found a partner, there is no letting go. He/she will use everything they know about you, against you. It's a tough road that I don't recommend.

 

For people who think it's all fun and games - don't. You need to protect yourself from those who will use you. Cause they will...

 

You will be left with nothing...picking up the pieces of your shattered heart.

 

Love, but don't lose yourself.

Edited March 13, 2011 by mizliz

[spice4life]

Manipulation is always a part of an A. Once someone has found a partner, there is no letting go. He/she will use everything they know about you, against you. It's a tough road that I don't recommend.

 

For people who think it's all fun and games - don't. You need to protect yourself from those who will use you. Cause they will...

 

You will be left with nothing...picking up the pieces of your shattered heart.

 

Love, but don't lose yourself.

 

Thanks for posting this. It makes a lot of sense.

[myname]

So, 3 days NC on either side. Good, right? I will admit, though, it has felt like mental gymnastics to stay strong. I think of what I miss, then I feel an urge to email him, then I have to find something that I'm angry about to remind me of why I should be relieved it's over. Damn, this is hard work. Honestly, I have to be thankful he is not contacting me because I would be so tempted to hear what he has to say, against all better judgment. Btw, I think I need to change my ringtone because every time it rings, it makes me wonder if it's him. Maybe a change in the ring will help...?

 

 

 

RGP, good question, and my guess is, yes, manipulation is common by MM but I only know my experience. Looking back, it is becoming clearer. For example, I think he was manipulative in pulling me into the A to start. I was going through a divorce, so sad and vulnerable at the time. I usually have very clear boundaries but being in such a state at the time, he and I really started connecting emotionally. There was definite sexual tension, but I never considered acting on it until he told me, near tears, that he was going to separate from his W because things were so bad. So, my heart melted for this supposedly wounded man, and the rest is history. And actually, while my heart melted for him, I feel like he really encouraged me to fall hard and fast for him. He pushed back when I had a guard up and did some magic for me to take it down. He said he loved me first (early into the PA), and the list goes on. The more I think about it, the more pissed I get about it.

 

Perhaps other OW can illuminate if they feel manipulation was/is largely at play in their A... I was in denial about a lot in my R. I should have recognized it earlier... The fog metaphor others have referenced is very true. It's hard to see clearly when you are in the thick of an emotionally charged A.

 

I think there was a lot of manipulation involved in mine. Initially he talked a lot to me about my dad issues, I had recently found my biological dad. He also talked a lot about how his marriage was broken, and they needed to separate (this was 2 years ago, they're still together), he brought up that he was getting emotionally involved with me within the first month, he told me how special I am, he's 'never had such a connection with a woman', 'have never known a woman the way I've known you' etc, actually I'm starting to think if I ever hear a man say those words again then I'll know he's a bad 'un.

[Amour7]

Someone suggested posting if/when I feel the urge to break NC with xMM. I sooo feel the urge. I don't feel so angry right now, and I miss our talks terribly. I don't know how I will get through the week not hearing his voice. Nearly every morning over the last two years, we have spoken in the morning, wished each other a good day and told each other we love each other. I have this overwhelming urge to tell him how hard this is for me. Who else do I get to share that with? No one. In real life, that is. I hate having to go through the motions and no one knows what difficulty I am going through.

 

Is NC really the only way to go? Really?

 

If he calls me tomorrow (unlikely), I feel like there is a 90% chance I will answer. I feel that desperate.

[whichwayisup]

What does NC mean to you? What are the advantages of staying in NC mode.

If you cave and contact him or answer the phone if he calls, how will you feel? Can you handle it? Are you strong enough to not let him manipulate you, make you feel sad/mad/upset/hurt?

 

Many people say NC=No new hurts.

 

Also, what's to gain if NC is broken. Will things change? For the better?

 

I hope you stay in NC mode so you won't be hurt or sucked back in.

[Amour7]

WWIU, thanks for a quick response and for encouraging me to reflect on this more deeply.

What does NC mean to you? What are the advantages of staying in NC mode.

If you cave and contact him or answer the phone if he calls, how will you feel? Can you handle it? Are you strong enough to not let him manipulate you, make you feel sad/mad/upset/hurt?

 

Many people say NC=No new hurts.

 

Also, what's to gain if NC is broken. Will things change? For the better?

 

I hope you stay in NC mode so you won't be hurt or sucked back in.

 

The advantage to NC is that it breaks me free of the past dynamic where I get overtaken with emotion and ignore what I want for myself. The disadvantage: I don't have anyone else to engage with on a truly emotional level.

 

How will I feel if I do get back in contact? Like I got the crack I was craving, or like I am at the mercy of the dealer, or perhaps a combo of the two.

 

Will things change in the R? Probably not. It just might feel like a temporary boost for me to be heard, to feel wanted, etc. If not from him, I need something! I have been keeping busy, bought new running shoes, went for a long run, out to happy hour, dinner, and a concert. I have been trying to do enjoyable things and be good to myself, and I still feel a terrible void that is so uncomfortable I feel desperate to fill it.

[whichwayisup]

WWIU, thanks for a quick response and for encouraging me to reflect on this more deeply.

 

You're welcome..

 

The advantage to NC is that it breaks me free of the past dynamic where I get overtaken with emotion and ignore what I want for myself.

This is good.

 

The disadvantage: I don't have anyone else to engage with on a truly emotional level.

 

true, but that's what break up's do. You don't engage with that person anymore on that intimate or emotional level. That's when you need to reach out to good friends and come on here and post.

 

How will I feel if I do get back in contact? Like I got the crack I was craving, or like I am at the mercy of the dealer, or perhaps a combo of the two.

 

So, you feel good for an hour, then the sadness and yuck feelings come back, you're low.

Will things change in the R? Probably not. It just might feel like a temporary boost for me to be heard, to feel wanted, etc.

 

All this does is prolong the pain and keep you sucked in and addicted.

If not from him, I need something! I have been keeping busy, bought new running shoes, went for a long run, out to happy hour, dinner, and a concert. I have been trying to do enjoyable things and be good to myself, and I still feel a terrible void that is so uncomfortable I feel desperate to fill it

What's your passion in life? Something you really enjoy.. A hobby or a sport, taking pictures with a camera, painting, working out, seeing movies, going to an art show or a museum..Anything that will put a smile on your face. Also, pamper yourself, go a step further, go with a friend and get massages, pedicure, facial, your nails done.

 

I know you feel awful, and you're hurting. Just got to ride out this rollercoaster for a while and you'll notice as time goes on the period of time you feel crummy will be less.

 

You ever skydive? That could get your blood going!