worldgonewrong Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 80% of couples married over 20 years have gone through a separation of two months or more. At the risk of sounding like a pain (and I have to add the disclaimer that I do respect your posts a great deal, DOT), where do you derive this statistic? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 At the risk of sounding like a pain (and I have to add the disclaimer that I do respect your posts a great deal, DOT), where do you derive this statistic? It is from the book Getting Back Together: How to Reconcile with Your Partner and Make it Last: by Bettie B Youngs and Masa Aiba Goetz. They have a blueprint for A healing separation. I often believe that many couples put too much pressure on each other and themselves to either "make or break" a marriage quickly because of the long-term effects and the uncomfortable feelings that a separation brings. I believe that a "healing separation is a more responsible and relaxed way for two people to decide whether or not to end a marriage. It allows whoever needs space to not feel smothered and whoever needs something from their spouse to have that chance. I can find the quote and their source when I get home, but that won't be for awhile and I have a tendency of forgetting little stuff like that, PM me yo remind me if you wish. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 Just for the record, I never mind being asked for sources and often ask for them myself on here. I view it as an opportunity to actually back my words and share instead of being another Internet "I-have-an-opinion-so-it's-the-truth poster." Often when I have asked others for sources I either get a snarky response back, the source is "all of my friends and the people I saw at the bar on Thursday", askmen or sosuave (), or thru google something completely out there or they twist an original source into something that might fit their opinion, or they insert their own logic: I.e.: " the moon goes through the sign of Taurus every 28 or so days and since we know that the full moon happens on the 13th this month and that the full moon makes us crazy. Then we know that when the Full Moon is in Taurus, girls are crazy, and that proves that women are crazy." The original article would be something like: Lunar Seasons Over the Last Decade. As course anyone who needs a source to prove that women are crazy.... Are crazy themselves.... Guess the cat's out of the bag now.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted April 22, 2011 Author Share Posted April 22, 2011 Nay sayers-she finally started to try on her own and it's breadcrumbs and to move on. Again I come here for advise but that doesn't mean I have to take it. At the end of the day it comes down to what I can live with. I wasn't even saying you guys were wrong. She might in fact not try or work but for me I need to know. Thanks again everybody. I'll keep everyone posted. Stbx scheduled next mc right after first one. Also when we left she gave me a hug. She has also deleted og and all friends from fb. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 She has also deleted og and all friends from fb. This is the best sign. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 what's og? Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 Nay sayers-she finally started to try on her own and it's breadcrumbs and to move on. Again I come here for advise but that doesn't mean I have to take it. At the end of the day it comes down to what I can live with. I wasn't even saying you guys were wrong. She might in fact not try or work but for me I need to know. Until she fully commits it is breadcrumbs. But, it's possible that breadcrumbs is all she has to offer. Again, speaking for myself, please don't get the idea I'm upset Craig. It may not be fair to you, but there are times certain posters want (at least) an acknowledgment. I'm guilty of that. But then I remember that the view of shore is very different three-years out than while the boat is sinking from under you. I remember... These are the tough times. You're doing it right. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 what's og? Other guy...other girl...in this case...other guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted April 23, 2011 Author Share Posted April 23, 2011 She told me tonight that she is in all the way in trying. Said that the mc was good and wants to keep going. Has deleted of and all friends from fb and has even shown some affection towards me without me doing it first. Told me tonight that when she tried a Few weeks ago that it felt weird cause she left og and then jumped into me too fast and felt weird with me. Once I left her alone(even tho it was a few days) now she feels a lot better(not normal but closer). She has told her family that we are seeing a mc which I alps think is a good sign because it shows that she's serious. I would like to thank every person who commented on my thread as this has been the worst time in my life. Everyone of you has helped me thru this. I know it's not over and it still could go either way but just wanted to say thanks. I'm not done here either. I'm gonna keep posting regularly and still see what peoples advise is. Till tomorrow Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 She told me tonight that she is in all the way in trying. Said that the mc was good and wants to keep going. Has deleted of and all friends from fb and has even shown some affection towards me without me doing it first. Told me tonight that when she tried a Few weeks ago that it felt weird cause she left og and then jumped into me too fast and felt weird with me. Once I left her alone(even tho it was a few days) now she feels a lot better(not normal but closer). She has told her family that we are seeing a mc which I alps think is a good sign because it shows that she's serious. I would like to thank every person who commented on my thread as this has been the worst time in my life. Everyone of you has helped me thru this. I know it's not over and it still could go either way but just wanted to say thanks. I'm not done here either. I'm gonna keep posting regularly and still see what peoples advise is. Till tomorrow Remember ..........go.........slow........1.........8.........0 until her actions match her words and you are both secure. Just in case you are curious, here's a link ( I may have sent this before). http://www.dpcsonline.com/uploads/Handout-Healing_Separation_Explanation.pdf http://jryankennedy.com/uploads/Handout-Healing_Separation_Agreements.pdf It just sounds like she would do well with a more structured approach. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted April 23, 2011 Author Share Posted April 23, 2011 We are going slow. Trust me. As you can tell I still can't sleep at all. Ever since I really started doing the 180 something kinda clicked. Yes I'm hopeful right now but I'm not so blind to see that it could go either way . The main thing I'm excited about it the mc. Only because I looked long and hard and she's really good(for us). At least now even if it doesn't work I'll know that we tried everything and wont ever have the thought of what if. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 We are going slow. Trust me. As you can tell I still can't sleep at all. Ever since I really started doing the 180 something kinda clicked. Yes I'm hopeful right now but I'm not so blind to see that it could go either way . The main thing I'm excited about it the mc. Only because I looked long and hard and she's really good(for us). At least now even if it doesn't work I'll know that we tried everything and wont ever have the thought of what if. 180 does that. The trouble is getting desperate folk to do it. As soon as you are in it for you, stuff shifts right away. Like magic. That's why when some of us get hope (like dumb ole me) we drop the 180 and counteract everything that we just did! Glad to hear that you are hopeful again. It really knocks the stuffing out of you eh? I know all about not sleeping, I just started back on Dexedrine. Yesterday I crashed after about 40 hours awake straight. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Good luck Craig, work hard, love her and I hope for the best for both of you. MOST importantly, keep working on yourself, that way, no matter what happens, you'll be ready to grab life, on it's terms, and make the most of it! Good luck... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Share Posted April 26, 2011 Thanks debtman! Things are going pretty good. Shes actualy try on her on which feels pretty good. I'm still working on myself too. We have another mc tomorrow so I'll post again and keep everyone up to date. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 You know what pattern I have often seen on LS with the guys. After the W has given him such an intense ****-kicking that blue balls would look like a blessing and he sticks it through without tossing his dignity out the window, often things work out and they are pretty happy after. The things you have to go through are completely warped but it is almost like she has to realize that she is just being **** and that the guy is willing to try and have a healthy relationship and meet her needs. Like a rock bottom. After the intensity dies down a bit and they both start examining the rubble, they start looking at the rebuilding plans. Just keep holding to 180, you will have some upcoming tests. Expect them, prepare for them, pass them. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 I agree DOT, in so much as to say that often we have to go through the very dark times to help us examine what we already have lying right in front of us. Maybe 80's hair ballads have taught us a thing or 2 after all One very positive outcome is often a re-awakening of our own self worth. I know in my own case I have learned that I can be happy and enjoy life inside my own skin. I can even do so while 'alone'. That doesn't mean that I want to be alone, but rather that I need to first care for myself and make my own way in life. It is through this that the strongest bonds can be formed. Stay the course Craig, stay the course. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Share Posted April 26, 2011 Dot.what next. I totally agree with you both. I don't want to be alone but if that should happen I need to be ok and able too. I'm still working on me and plan to because I cant go back to where I was before. No one should have to ever be in that state of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted April 28, 2011 Author Share Posted April 28, 2011 Well things seem to be going pretty good. The mc is working and going great. Were both learning to communicate with each other and realizing that we both felt neglected. She said that she loves the mc and thinks it's great too. This morning I found next to my wallet the papers to stop the divorce(signed by her) and my ring. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 excellent news, Craig! This gives me hope. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 That's fantastic news Craig. I am giving you a virtual high 5! Well done. Stay the course, no dramatic changes, just stay the course. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Been watching from afar.....Bravo! Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Been watching from afar.....Bravo! Same here Craig....:bunny::bunny: Wonderful news!! Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 I take back what I said then, and I feel really happy for you. Sorry for that, but probability-wise and based on what I've seen, it really didn't look good at all. But I do believe what I said, that you have to do what you did and find out the truth. It looks like it was in your favor, and that's great. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Well things seem to be going pretty good. The mc is working and going great. Were both learning to communicate with each other and realizing that we both felt neglected. She said that she loves the mc and thinks it's great too. This morning I found next to my wallet the papers to stop the divorce(signed by her) and my ring. That totally made me tear up! :D:D Congratulations Buddy! Your back in the Stuck With You, Dammit Club. :bunny::bunny: And to think how bleak things looked just two weeks ago! Don't backslide, you've still a long way to go, she's going to feel pretty crappy and insecure about her actions in a couple months (or sooner). So happy for you Craig! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted April 29, 2011 Author Share Posted April 29, 2011 Thanks everyone! I know it's not over and still have along way to go but it seems pretty good so far. Dot. What do you mean (about her and maybe sooner)? Link to post Share on other sites
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