Yasuandio Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) Don't kid yourself Yas, the reason they can walk away and it not bother them is because they never felt for us the way we felt for them. When they say they never loved us they mean it, they didn't. Think about it, if they felt an ounce of the pain and hurt we feel they would be with us. Sorry to be so harsh, I wanted to try and put it delicately but there really wasn't any way to say it other than striaght. Have I considered he will return? No. He will never return because he made the right decision for him, he didn't love me, never did, so why on earth would he come back? He won't. It is very painful to see the current way you describe yourself on LS. I just don't buy into huge generalizations. There are no "them's." Each man, woman, relationship, history, future is completely different. You SO could have been killed in an airline disaster, and you would physically be without him just like now. What is the difference? He is not with you. I totally disagree with you. It is certainly possible that it could dawn on him that he misses you terribly, needs you, loves you, desires you, and he may or may not return to you. I might add, it's also possible you could sabotage any any posibility for the reserection and/or reconsideration of his love and need to be with you. Your most previous attitude I find piculular, and I do not understand how you can be so down on yourself, when he seems to have been deceptive with you (BTW, you didn't address that set of questions I posed). Bottomline, I prefer to never say never. You are worth wanting. You do have tremendous value as a human being. What in the heck has caused you to characterize yourself as "worthless?" It is statements like that which cause me pause/concern when I interpret your evauation of the ideas I suggested. Edited March 28, 2011 by Yasuandio
Author willowthewisp Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) Have I? I thought I was trying really hard to get over this, obviously my inability to get over it is my fault along with the relationship ending and the state of my life now. He is still the same person, he hasn't morphed into someone new! If I love the man he was, I love the man he is, there aren't two different men here. Every walk away is the person they have always been, perhaps it is just deciet that kept that part of their personality hidden for so long, or maybe we did not see it because they never had REASON to show it to us before and now we gave them REASON to show it. All I know is my IC tells me it is fanciful when people say they have changed, they haven't, they were always who they are now, "you just now see him for who he really is" my IC's exact words. If someone doesn't love who they are now then they don't love them period. It is not possible to cherish any memories, I no longer know if they were real or not due to the deception. I have nothing, no memories. I also know he never loved me, love does not just disappear, it was never there to begin with. He stole nearly 20 years of my life through deciet and now I am too old to find anyone else. Yes, TOO OLD. I have meet no one and am constantly told how ugly and old I am and how I am worthless by people around me. It is very painful to see the current way you describe yourself on LS. I just don't buy into huge generalizations. There are no "them's." Each man, woman, relationship, history, future is completely different. You SO could have been killed in an airline disaster, and you would physically be without him just like now. What is the difference? He is not with you. One is death, they are gone but their love for you isn't, the other is they are gone and their love for you is gone too, a quote "no death ever hurt as much". I totally disagree with you. It is certainly possible that it could dawn on him that he misses you terribly, needs you, loves you, desires you, and he may or may not return to you. I might add, it's also possible you could sabotage any any posibility for the reserection and/or reconsideration of his love and need to be with you. Your most previous attitude I find piculular, and I do not understand how you can be so down on yourself, when he seems to have been deceptive with you (BTW, you didn't address that set of questions I posed). Bottomline, I prefer to never say never. You are worth wanting. You do have tremendous value as a human being. What in the heck has caused you to characterize yourself as "worthless?" It is statements like that which cause me pause/concern when I interpret your evauation of the ideas I suggested. Answer above, daily emotional abuse that causes me to display symptoms of domestic abuse in threapy, mainly because I am being domestically abused, always have been and am again, only time I wasn't were the years with my ex. Then he rejected me along with my family and now I know I am a piece of c***. My exes love was the only love I have ever known, including mother/parental love (non) and now it is gone and what's more it wasn't even real to begin with. I am unlovable. Edited March 28, 2011 by willowthewisp
Author willowthewisp Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 I really feel like I want to die. I'm not saying I am going to act on it, but that is how I feel. I just cannot see this ever getting better, all the while I see posters on here getting over it and moving on with new partners and yet I have not been able to do so. I have not been able to meet anyone and I honestly don't see how that would even come about? I'm going to be the person who is still posting on here in 20 years time aren't I? The one everyone yells at to get over it. I just don't see how it can be any other way and when I realise this I just don't think I want to live when that is what my future holds. I have a follow up IC session in a couple of weeks and I am thinking of just going in and lying and telling my counsellor I am fine and happy. The reason being that I have been honest up till now and unfortunately there are limited sessions avaliable to me and this is the last one I can have. There is nothing my counsellor can do about this and I don't want to disappoint him by telling him how I am really feeling, there is nothing he can do to make this better. There is nothing anyone can do, yet here I am reaching out on this forum everyday hoping that someone somewhere will give me the way to get over this, as I have been unable to figure out how. Now I know why! There is no way to get over this, either l have to learn to live with the pain or not. I don't think I am able to learn to live with it, I honestly do not feel I can continue with it in my life.
Yasuandio Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I really feel like I want to die. I'm not saying I am going to act on it, but that is how I feel. I just cannot see this ever getting better, all the while I see posters on here getting over it and moving on with new partners and yet I have not been able to do so. I have not been able to meet anyone and I honestly don't see how that would even come about? I'm going to be the person who is still posting on here in 20 years time aren't I? The one everyone yells at to get over it. I just don't see how it can be any other way and when I realise this I just don't think I want to live when that is what my future holds. I have a follow up IC session in a couple of weeks and I am thinking of just going in and lying and telling my counsellor I am fine and happy. The reason being that I have been honest up till now and unfortunately there are limited sessions avaliable to me and this is the last one I can have. There is nothing my counsellor can do about this and I don't want to disappoint him by telling him how I am really feeling, there is nothing he can do to make this better. There is nothing anyone can do, yet here I am reaching out on this forum everyday hoping that someone somewhere will give me the way to get over this, as I have been unable to figure out how. Now I know why! There is no way to get over this, either l have to learn to live with the pain or not. I don't think I am able to learn to live with it, I honestly do not feel I can continue with it in my life. Look what you just wrote. You really need some big time help. If you are an adult, you are in control of where you are -- there is no reason to remain in a place where you are recieving any form of abuse. Let's get this straight. This man rescued you from the abuse, and now you must endure the abuse again due to his withdrawal from the relationship? Who exactly is domestically abusing you at this time? What exactly is being done to you? Willow, you must get away from any environment where there is abuse of any type immediately. You need medical and psychiatric help NOW. No excuses. Even drunks on the street can get treatment and medicated for psych issues, don't even go there, don't tell me help is not available. Get help now. Walk into an emergency and tell them what you are telling us.
YSS Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Willow I can feel your pain throughout your words. Hugs. Your heart has been shattered and the pain is so deep. I understand that it feels unbearable. Your are bright and capable but when any of us are I. Such deep pain our pain does skew our reality and tomorrows. Yas is correct, you need some help to alleviAte this pain. You have made tremendous progress and have even said so yourself. Your current pain is drowning you in thinking this will never change. If you play the "what if " game of what if it never gets better, what if I am still posting here twent years fromnow, what if I never mo e Fred et. Then you need to play "what if" all the way. What if it will get better. What if a few months from now you are done wi school and employes. What if you find a job and move out on your own. What if your environment is peaceful without negativity, what if..... Willow, can not play what if only for the negatives. Pls do not lie to your counsellor, pls speak your truth, pls seek some support and pls take comfort and trust all the people here that are rooting for you. Pls willow, see what we see, that you do not need to berAte yourself like this.
Author willowthewisp Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Yas, I managed to get limited counselling through school, that is now at an end, beyond my counsellors control. My IC has said that I have made huge progress but that years of emotional abuse takes a long time to overcome and short term counselling cannot really address that, as that is all I am able to get he has planted the seeds from which I can build. I have been over this many times on these boards and everyone argues the difference with me, truely there is no way for me to get any further counselling. I have been on the wait list for nearly 2 years in our health service and I still do not have an appointment. You are correct, if someone goes to ER and gets a psych assessment they can be sectioned. However, I have had assessments and I am not so unwell as to need sectioning, thank goodness, but that means that there are no resources that I am entitled to. Honestly, I have pursued every avenue I can. I do not have an option but to live in the emotionally abusive envrionment that I am currently living in, until I finish school in 3 months and I will only be able to leave then if I manage to get employment. The only way I could leave now is if I were to quit school. Personally, that seems like the worst thing I could do for my future in the long run. I have spent £14,000 on tutution fees and only have 3 more months to endure where I live. Should I just waste the fees and the two years I have spent working 16 hour days to pass to seek a short term solution or should I continue as I am? Yes, I know many will scream at me, abuse, get out and I see that, at the same time I see 35 years of abuse versus only 3 more months. Did my ex rescue me from abuse? I did not realise I was being abused until I was away from it having known nothing else all my life I thought being bullied like I am is completely normal and that all families treat their children this way. Of course, now I know, having to return it makes it incrediably difficult to endure. The abuse has affected my own self image, I feel that I have to achieve and be perfect all the time. Another reason why I dare not quit school, the thought produces a huge amount of anxiety. I don't think it would be the sensible option or the most healthy given how much my self esteem would be effected, I would see myself as even more of a failure for not being able to stick the abuse out and get my qualification, espically when I am done in 3 months. I'm just so tired of feeling like this. YSS, I hope you are right and things will get better, the evidence so far, based on the last two years, is that they don't. I have no reason to think they will based on the past, so it is very difficult to think that way. I just cannot see my ex as anything other than the man I love, despite all he did, despite making me homeless, I still love him and I just want my old life back, the one where I was happy, content and loved.
debtman Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 willow, Think back to the time BEFORE you met him, when you were being abused before. Things were bad...but things CHANGED, they got better...they will again...if you let them. You say you're too old to find someone else? That you're too ugly? I don't believe that for a second. There are MILLIONS of people out there, kind people, caring people, people looking for companionship and relationships. The ONLY way to find those people is to get out, start doing things you enjoy, get involved in activities, get involved with other people and you will meet people with similar interests and develop friendships. Eventually, one of those may turn into a relationship...IF you can get past your current pain, stop feeling sorry for yourself and fall in love with yourself. YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE!!!! Don't waste it. Don't throw it away. Maybe you feel like there's no way out of your current situation. I understand that you feel trapped and, if you need to stay in that situation for the next 3 months to finish school and open your options, that's fine. Start planning so that you can leave the MINUTE you're done with school. GET OUT OF THERE! It's hard to love yourself if you're in an emotionally abusive environment. If you've spent the last 2 years, since your relationship ended, in an abusive environment, of course things haven't gotten better. As far as your ex is concerned, I know how hard it is to try to "turn off" your love for him. But, you need to remember what he did to you, how he treated you, how he LIED to you for year. You deserve better and, once you begin to love yourself and see your worth, you will realize that...and other people will see that in you. Good luck and keep posting...
trippi1432 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Have I? I thought I was trying really hard to get over this, obviously my inability to get over it is my fault along with the relationship ending and the state of my life now. First - my apologies Tojaz for the outburst at your post. I sort of figured this is where it would go with telling her to stop; however, I shouldn't have done that as you are allowed to your own opinion. So I will take the thumps on the head for that. :o:o Willow - it's not the ability to get over it...it's the ability to let go of it. It's not your fault how the state of your life is now...but it up to you to change it and that is what you are working towards. He is still the same person, he hasn't morphed into someone new! If I love the man he was, I love the man he is, there aren't two different men here. Every walk away is the person they have always been, perhaps it is just deciet that kept that part of their personality hidden for so long, or maybe we did not see it because they never had REASON to show it to us before and now we gave them REASON to show it. All I know is my IC tells me it is fanciful when people say they have changed, they haven't, they were always who they are now, "you just now see him for who he really is" my IC's exact words. Thought this was interesting as I can agree with this....there aren't two different people when this happens, they are the same person - they just no longer see us as they once did...which explains the behavioral change and the ability to dismantle the relationship, rewrite history. Why is this, because we all have character flaws...some things we can work on and some things are ones that another person just can't live with anymore. In that, it becomes a reason in their mind to walk away sometimes. But in that, it becomes an opinion about us from someone that we loved...and that does matter to us. It's also what you seem to hold onto...I think a lot of people do when they hurt. Case in point, my exH's drinking and his behavior from that made him seek out someone who was more accepting of what I could not tolerate but put up with. First his drinking buddy gave him validation and refuge. Now his GF is a much better enabler than I am as she has two marriages to alcoholics under her belt. I see him as he is, he needs that acceptance and was one of the reasons why we always did things with his family because they accepted his behavior. If someone doesn't love who they are now then they don't love them period. It is not possible to cherish any memories, I no longer know if they were real or not due to the deception. I have nothing, no memories. I also know he never loved me, love does not just disappear, it was never there to begin with. He stole nearly 20 years of my life through deciet and now I am too old to find anyone else. Yes, TOO OLD. I have meet no one and am constantly told how ugly and old I am and how I am worthless by people around me. I don't agree with this....love changes over time....it can become stronger and more deeper or it can go bankrupt.....we can't control how someone else feels about us, we can only control ourselves (and even that can be a challenge). You are not too old to find anyone else, you still have your blinders on and just do not want to see anyone else as potential. It's not that no one is attracted to you, it's that you are not attracted to yourself. Instead of working on the reasons why he did what he did, instead of looking for those answers or even another relationship.....with everything you have been through, why not work on the relationship with yourself?
Author willowthewisp Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Trippi, there really is no one to see as potential, seriously, no one. I don't understand why everyone keeps telling me to get out and do things and meet new people, I am doing that, everyday. Where am I supposed to meet these potential men? Seriously, if anyone knows please share because I am telling you I am doing everything that has been suggested to get on with on my life, to meet someone new and there is NO ONE out there!
trippi1432 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Willow - why is it so important to find a man right now? This is why I am saying that perhaps the relationship you need to establish is with you...not a man right now. If you can't let go of the one that has been gone for 2 years, how will there ever be room for anyone else in your life? From 35 on, women begin to come into their own....they start to figure out what they really want out of life, especially when they have to start their life over....don't you see you have already started your path....you just need to work on your relationship with yourself so you will be ready for the right relationship when it comes along.
Author willowthewisp Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 willow, Think back to the time BEFORE you met him, when you were being abused before. Things were bad...but things CHANGED, they got better...they will again...if you let them. You say you're too old to find someone else? That you're too ugly? I don't believe that for a second. There are MILLIONS of people out there, kind people, caring people, people looking for companionship and relationships. The ONLY way to find those people is to get out, start doing things you enjoy, get involved in activities, get involved with other people and you will meet people with similar interests and develop friendships. Eventually, one of those may turn into a relationship...IF you can get past your current pain, stop feeling sorry for yourself and fall in love with yourself. YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE!!!! Don't waste it. Don't throw it away. Maybe you feel like there's no way out of your current situation. I understand that you feel trapped and, if you need to stay in that situation for the next 3 months to finish school and open your options, that's fine. Start planning so that you can leave the MINUTE you're done with school. GET OUT OF THERE! It's hard to love yourself if you're in an emotionally abusive environment. If you've spent the last 2 years, since your relationship ended, in an abusive environment, of course things haven't gotten better. As far as your ex is concerned, I know how hard it is to try to "turn off" your love for him. But, you need to remember what he did to you, how he treated you, how he LIED to you for year. You deserve better and, once you begin to love yourself and see your worth, you will realize that...and other people will see that in you. Good luck and keep posting... Thanks debtman, I am trying to plan to get out of here the minute I finish school, all depends on whether I get employment, I sent off tow applications today, PLEASE can people keep there fingers crossed for me, one of them is my dream job but I have a horrible feeling knowing the firm they won't even want to interview me. With regards to getting out and meeting people here is a run down I have joined a sports club I am in school, second postgrad course in two years, different people both years I go to networking events to do with law I go out to bars and clubs I joined a dating site and left as I got to much explicit and filthy email There is no one out there, there is not one person I am attracted to in the slightest and not one person (other than the an ex BF who I really liked) who is interested in me. (The ex BF could not work out, it's complicated and I would rather not go into details but trust me there are good solid reasons for me not dating him anymore). So, in two years no interest whatsoever. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, I do not want to be a spinster! Remember I have never actually been married! PS I swear if anyone tells me it will happen when I least expect it, I am liable to self combust! Afterall it seems that is what people say when they just want to make someone feel better or perhaps themself as they too cannot find anyone.
Author willowthewisp Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 (edited) Willow - why is it so important to find a man right now? This is why I am saying that perhaps the relationship you need to establish is with you...not a man right now. If you can't let go of the one that has been gone for 2 years, how will there ever be room for anyone else in your life? From 35 on, women begin to come into their own....they start to figure out what they really want out of life, especially when they have to start their life over....don't you see you have already started your path....you just need to work on your relationship with yourself so you will be ready for the right relationship when it comes along. Why? Because I am lonely, that's why. I hate not having someone to share life with and before anyone tells me that is unhealthy it isn't, if it were unhealthy I would just take anyone and I put an end to dating two guys because they weren't right for me. It's not to fill a void, there is nothing wrong with wanting a partner a life, a marriage. You have your family Trippi, who do I have? I am an only child, with no children and no extended family, I am quite literally alone. As for getting over my ex first, that is never going to happen, like I keep saying, i don't see it ever going away, so what am I supposed to do, stay single forever and let him totally f*** up my life? With regards to figuring out what I want out of life, I already knew that long before now, all the things I am doing now are all the things I NEVER wanted for my life. I never wanted a high flying career or to be out bar hopping and clubing or doing stupid sports on a weekend, I do these things because everyone keeps telling me it's what I need to do to move on and the alternative is sitting at home alone. All I ever wanted was a companion, a partner who loved me and a family of my own. Someone to go on long walks with and enjoy each others company, just to be. Edited March 29, 2011 by willowthewisp
Yasuandio Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Willow, I'm not sure if you are aware of this or not: but, you totally project a negative vibe. It is possible this vibe is coming across in your body language as well. For example, it is very difficult to imagine you with a smile. What sort of expressions do you present to the outside world? Has it ever occured to you that your excessively, pessimistic outlook of your future, and your constant self-degradation may be repelling potential companions? I would really take the previous questions under consideration. Also, it might be a good idea for you to factor in the saying "you have to love yourself before you can love another," or something like that. With regards to your extracurricular activities, these are some other suggestions that might appeal to you: 1. You mentioned you liked walking. 2. Meet-Up Groups (People meet to enjoy sharing so many topics) 3. Volunteer for something YOU value (Humane Society, Retirement Home) 4. Church (or other spiritual meeting place) I noticed that there was a somewhat positive remark about walking in your post. It's easy and it's free. Then, there are all sorts of meet-up groups. I met two wonderful friends at a divorce meet-up group at a bookstore on Monday night 2 years back. They are not men, but they have been most helpful and kind to me during my ongoing time of need. Both of them have obviously been through it, that's why they were at the meet-up. I love these two women like sisters, they were a gift to me that I value and treasure. The latter two are types of venues that can often attract people of great character. Maybe these would be better environments to put yourself in - instead of doing things you don't like. If you are not the Church type, do the Volunteering. What area do you feel a desire to contribute? Try to answer these questions. Try to give us a postive post. Hope this is helpful.
debtman Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I never wanted a high flying career or to be out bar hopping and clubing or doing stupid sports on a weekend, I do these things because everyone keeps telling me it's what I need to do to move on If those are things you don't want to do, DON'T do them. What you need to do to move on is make POSITIVE changes in your life. You need to learn to love yourself before you start looking for someone to share your life with. You need a partner, you don't need a crutch! Yas had some GREAT suggestions. I've met several people through local meet-up groups and I'm spending time doing activities that I LOVE to do. It doesn't matter if I meet "the" right person. I'm not looking for the right person. I'm looking for myself. I need to remind myself of who I am, I need to rebuild my confidence, my determination, get my life back on track and get happy about where I am and who I am. Once I'm there, THEN I will be ready for a relationship again. I'm not ready right now, and, from the sounds of it, neither are you. Yes, being lonely SUCKS, but life is too short and has too many amazing opportunities to spend a MINUTE feeling sorry for myself because I'm lonely. At least I'm alive, I can spend that time reading, improving myself, pursuing opportunities and doing WHATEVER I want to do without worrying about anyone trying to control me, judge me or influence me. I REALLY enjoy my independence and have a million things going on and I'm starting to feel in control again. I still have big emotional downs, especially after dropping off the kids and seeing the stbx and OM, but, LIFE GOES ON! I'm looking forward to the future and planning for it and preparing for it everyday. Don't get so down on yourself, you're worth more than that. Your future has some amazing things in store for you. Don't spend so much time looking at the past that you don't see where you are or where you're going. Good luck and keep posting...
Author willowthewisp Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) Willow, I'm not sure if you are aware of this or not: but, you totally project a negative vibe. It is possible this vibe is coming across in your body language as well. For example, it is very difficult to imagine you with a smile. What sort of expressions do you present to the outside world? Has it ever occured to you that your excessively, pessimistic outlook of your future, and your constant self-degradation may be repelling potential companions? I would really take the previous questions under consideration. Also, it might be a good idea for you to factor in the saying "you have to love yourself before you can love another," or something like that. With regards to your extracurricular activities, these are some other suggestions that might appeal to you: 1. You mentioned you liked walking. 2. Meet-Up Groups (People meet to enjoy sharing so many topics) 3. Volunteer for something YOU value (Humane Society, Retirement Home) 4. Church (or other spiritual meeting place) I noticed that there was a somewhat positive remark about walking in your post. It's easy and it's free. Then, there are all sorts of meet-up groups. I met two wonderful friends at a divorce meet-up group at a bookstore on Monday night 2 years back. They are not men, but they have been most helpful and kind to me during my ongoing time of need. Both of them have obviously been through it, that's why they were at the meet-up. I love these two women like sisters, they were a gift to me that I value and treasure. The latter two are types of venues that can often attract people of great character. Maybe these would be better environments to put yourself in - instead of doing things you don't like. If you are not the Church type, do the Volunteering. What area do you feel a desire to contribute? Try to answer these questions. Try to give us a postive post. Hope this is helpful. Yas, when I am on LS I am able to vent and project my negative feelings, what gets poured out on these boards is part of what I feel, it is the negative part precisely because I do not have anywhere else to offload the negative feelings. Of course I do not walk around looking unhappy! Tell you what Yas, why don't you endure two years of daily emotional abuse, being called a f****g b!tch the second you get up, being walked in on when you are in bed, no privacy, having your money controlled, having where you can go, who you can see and when controlled, being told you are pathetic, stupid, spiteful, ungratful etc etc over and over again and then post back here and tell us all how positive you FEEL about your future! Your suggestions all very good 1. I go walking on my own, not much fun alone and of course I have to have the approval of my abuser beofre I am allowed to go out walking 2.Meet up groups, not many in my area of the UK, it is not as popular as the US. There is only one in my area, it is a bookclub full of married mothers, way too depressing to listen to women talk about how happy their lives are etc right now and again, need permission and apporval to attend 3. Volunteer. I already do, I do A LOT of voluntary work in the legal sector, I literally struggle to find the time to fit everything in and study, I already work 16-18 hour days, where would I find time to do more? I get permission to this because it pertains to my schooling 4. Church. I lost my faith and no longer beleive in God. If those are things you don't want to do, DON'T do them. What you need to do to move on is make POSITIVE changes in your life. You need to learn to love yourself before you start looking for someone to share your life with. You need a partner, you don't need a crutch! Yas had some GREAT suggestions. I've met several people through local meet-up groups and I'm spending time doing activities that I LOVE to do. It doesn't matter if I meet "the" right person. I'm not looking for the right person. I'm looking for myself. I need to remind myself of who I am, I need to rebuild my confidence, my determination, get my life back on track and get happy about where I am and who I am. Once I'm there, THEN I will be ready for a relationship again. I'm not ready right now, and, from the sounds of it, neither are you. Yes, being lonely SUCKS, but life is too short and has too many amazing opportunities to spend a MINUTE feeling sorry for myself because I'm lonely. At least I'm alive, I can spend that time reading, improving myself, pursuing opportunities and doing WHATEVER I want to do without worrying about anyone trying to control me, judge me or influence me. I REALLY enjoy my independence and have a million things going on and I'm starting to feel in control again. I still have big emotional downs, especially after dropping off the kids and seeing the stbx and OM, but, LIFE GOES ON! I'm looking forward to the future and planning for it and preparing for it everyday. Don't get so down on yourself, you're worth more than that. Your future has some amazing things in store for you. Don't spend so much time looking at the past that you don't see where you are or where you're going. Good luck and keep posting... What happens then when the things that make you happy as a person are connected to being married and having children? Am I supposed to change my personality? You say love yourself, yet you are suggesting that I change myself and what I value, what makes me happy, the things I enjoy in order to do that. I don't like being single, I am miserable being single, that does not mean that I don't like myself or that I am not ready for a relationship or that I am somehow inadequate for wanting a family of my own and a partner to share life with. Why I am so wrong and condemed on these boards for wanting a relationship? My IC thinks I am perfectly healthy and ready for a relationship and thinks it would be the best thing I could do for myself to be happy again, he says that many people would have had a complete nervous breakdown dealing with what I have had to cope with the last two years, being jilted, made homeless, emotional abuse, on the toughest postgraduate programme any one can undertake, plus looking for work, working, volunteering, I may come across as being negative on these boards but I am a lot stronger and capable than a lot of other people. Why am I condemed for expressing my frustrations? Am I not allowed to feel negative sometimes, does that not meet with approval? Edited March 30, 2011 by willowthewisp
trippi1432 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I guess I will also give a vote for Meetup...I think that will be the fourth suggestion for it on your thread. I couldn't find a local Karaoke meetup group, so after some convincing, I started my own and it's growing by leaps and bounds. Sometimes huge opportunities come out of small steps and I am now DJ'ing local events, meeting new people and couples and actually growing a friend base that are not people who want to talk about work all the time. Not to mention, it gets me out of the house four nights a week and a reason to not sit around feeling sorry for myself. Sure, I would love to find someone to go on those long walks with, spend time with, laugh with....but I am finding it in friends....not a relationship with someone else, but a better one with me, doing things that make me happy. Like Debtman, I don't have anyone trying to control me, judge me or influence me...I can do as I please. I am avoiding relationships altogether these days because I don't want to give up what makes me happy. While it is true Willow that I do have my family, like you I am an only child...therefore the only time I was an Aunt was when I was with my ex-husband. I lost a huge extended family that I loved (well, most of them anyway...wasn't crazy about the FIL who cheated on and left his wife). It was like going from this huge family over the span of 15 years to a handful and that was hard. And, to add, it's not that you are wrong in wanting to be married and have a family...understandable you bring the negatives here to vent....but are you telling your IC these negatives? Here on LS, the feedback you are going to get is to find ways to make yourself happy and suggestions from people who empathize because all we are seeing are the negatives. We aren't seeing what did Willow accomplish today for Willow that was good....except for some strides that you were making a couple of months ago when you started IC and was working through it.
Author willowthewisp Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I guess I will also give a vote for Meetup...I think that will be the fourth suggestion for it on your thread. I couldn't find a local Karaoke meetup group, so after some convincing, I started my own and it's growing by leaps and bounds. Sometimes huge opportunities come out of small steps and I am now DJ'ing local events, meeting new people and couples and actually growing a friend base that are not people who want to talk about work all the time. Not to mention, it gets me out of the house four nights a week and a reason to not sit around feeling sorry for myself. Sure, I would love to find someone to go on those long walks with, spend time with, laugh with....but I am finding it in friends....not a relationship with someone else, but a better one with me, doing things that make me happy. Like Debtman, I don't have anyone trying to control me, judge me or influence me...I can do as I please. I am avoiding relationships altogether these days because I don't want to give up what makes me happy. While it is true Willow that I do have my family, like you I am an only child...therefore the only time I was an Aunt was when I was with my ex-husband. I lost a huge extended family that I loved (well, most of them anyway...wasn't crazy about the FIL who cheated on and left his wife). It was like going from this huge family over the span of 15 years to a handful and that was hard. And, to add, it's not that you are wrong in wanting to be married and have a family...understandable you bring the negatives here to vent....but are you telling your IC these negatives? Here on LS, the feedback you are going to get is to find ways to make yourself happy and suggestions from people who empathize because all we are seeing are the negatives. We aren't seeing what did Willow accomplish today for Willow that was good....except for some strides that you were making a couple of months ago when you started IC and was working through it. Of course, I tell my IC everything, there is no point to it otherwise. I know I said I was thinking of lying this time, but that is because it is the last session he can offer me and I really don't want him to feel he hasn't helped because he has.
debtman Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 What happens then when the things that make you happy as a person are connected to being married and having children? Am I supposed to change my personality? You say love yourself, yet you are suggesting that I change myself and what I value, what makes me happy, the things I enjoy in order to do that. I don't like being single, I am miserable being single, that does not mean that I don't like myself or that I am not ready for a relationship or that I am somehow inadequate for wanting a family of my own and a partner to share life with. Hmmm...I certainly understand the desire to be married, have a family, etc. that was exactly why I got married, because I wanted all those things too...but they didn't drive my happiness. I wasn't going out and trying to consciously find a partner. You may do yourself a disservice if you try to force yourself into a relationship right now. The perfect person for you may not even be in your geographic region. You're going to be done with school in 3 months, why not hold out, enjoy your independence, find activities that you're passionate about and, when you're out of school, find your job, find your own place, get out of your emotionally abusive situation and get some personal happiness, THEN start opening yourself up to the idea of a long-term relationship. Your posts make it sound like you're desperate to find a partner. Yes, it sounds like you're holding out for the right partner, BUT it's just not the kind of thing that can be forced. Why I am so wrong and condemed on these boards for wanting a relationship? My IC thinks I am perfectly healthy and ready for a relationship and thinks it would be the best thing I could do for myself to be happy again, so why do you all have such a problem with it? It may be because we know the emotional trauma we're going through, we don't want to subject someone else to our current baggage and maybe we're just assuming that you're in the same place. It also may be because your posts sound emotionally stressed. I'm sure that has a lot to do with your current living situation and abuse, but it sounds like you're in a fair amount of crisis right now and people on these boards tend to be VERY touchy about jumping into relationships without the stability and self-awareness that we wish we would have had in our last relationship. We want you to be happy, if that means finding a relationship, then we're in full support of that. BUT, we don't want you to wind up forcing yourself into a relationship that may be even more unhealthy than your last one, and may end even more painfully... We're here for you and there are lots of people feeling the same pain, loneliness and uncertainty that you are and we understand. Good luck and keep posting!
trippi1432 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Of course, I tell my IC everything, there is no point to it otherwise. Good, and very true. I know I said I was thinking of lying this time, but that is because it is the last session he can offer me and I really don't want him to feel he hasn't helped because he has. Don't lie to make your IC feel better...he may be able to offer other suggestions at the exit session that can help.
Author willowthewisp Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 I've been looking online at apartments to rent or buy if I am lucky enough to get a job soon, ready to move out of my current situation this summer. It's very disheartening, even on a trainee wage I can only afford a bedsit (one room, shared bathroom and kitchen) in a really bad area. Man I hate my ex so much! I didn't deserve this, I really didn't. Piece of s***! How does one just throw away 20 years for no reason? How does one live with oneself knowing that they threw out a women on to the street who they had shared 20 years with because and I quote "you said you weren't happy about me buying a motorcycle". Are you kidding me?
debtman Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 How does one just throw away 20 years for no reason? By being completely selfish, lazy (as far as the relationship is concerned) and dishonest. Something they will carry into their next relationship which will eventually degrade to a miserable state or will end as well. And then they will continue that cycle, unless they somehow change, which doesn't happen without a lot of work...which selfish, lazy and dishonest people generally avoid... Glad to hear you're looking to the future and looking to change your situation! Remember that this is a temporary situation. You are a GOOD person and there are GREAT things down the road for you!! Good luck and keep posting...
Author willowthewisp Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 So true Debtman, so true. I'm really fed up today, Saturday, I have a ton of school work to do, no fun this weekend. Only an old friend of my parents has just turned up out of the blue and now I can't concentrate due to the noise level downstairs, which makes me wish I had taken my friend up on the offer of a coffee in town! Does anyone watch Brothers and Sisters? I was watching it last night and there were serveral scenes of new couples laying about on a bed together, just hanging out, cuddling, talking.....man it's depressing, I miss that connection with someone so much. It's not that I am desperate to find someone, I would just like someone. Like tonight, I would love to go see the new film directed by Woody Allen, no one to go with and I really don't fancy going alone, part of the experience is having someone to share it with, it's not that I can't go by myself, just I would rather save the £'s and rent it when it comes out in that case. I can't seem to find anyone to date though, why I am not meeting anyone my age? I do go out and about, but just never seem to meet anyone. I'll approach guys in bars now and sometimes they are very keen but they are often a lot younger than me, sometimes 10 years younger. Anyone got any ideas?
Author willowthewisp Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 No ideas then? Oh well. A whole day of tax planning, whoo hoo. Will this get better? I'm kidding about the school work, it's actually a good distraction and I am about to get involved in some more legal voluntary work which should be good. I would like a boyfriend though.....
debtman Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 willow, You crack me up. I KNOW you would really like a boyfriend...and I would really like a girlfriend, and, over the past few weeks, I've met some new and interesting girls (one off of a singles websites who I've been rock climbing with a few times) and another one at a skydiving event. I'm just trying to focus on going out and doing things that make me happy and, if I find an interesting person that enjoys doing that as well, I'll start pursuing a friendship...I'm not ready for a relationship yet. I want to be HAPPY with myself, HAPPY with my life and content with my life before I think about bringing someone else along for the ride. Good luck and keep posting...
Recommended Posts