Still strugling

[hopesndreams]

For you guys wondering out there why your wife is off having an affiar, it's because they no longer get what they need from you, they have probably been asking for it, which you see as nagging and needy instead of what it actually is. Eventually the women emotionally detaches, she gives up and there are plenty of guys out there looking for sex. It doesn't matter that he is a down grade, he gives her what she needs at the moment, even if it isn't real, attention, time, emotional support, affection and she doesn't have to nag to get it. Not that I'm condoning it, I'm not.

 

It sure reads like you are condoning it.

 

Cheaters are terrible communicators.

[willowthewisp]

For you guys wondering out there why your wife is off having an affiar, it's because they no longer get what they need from you, they have probably been asking for it, which you see as nagging and needy instead of what it actually is. Eventually the women emotionally detaches, she gives up and there are plenty of guys out there looking for sex. It doesn't matter that he is a down grade, he gives her what she needs at the moment, even if it isn't real, attention, time, emotional support, affection and she doesn't have to nag to get it. Not that I'm condoning it, I'm not.

 

 

It sure reads like you are condoning it.

 

Cheaters are terrible communicators.

 

H&D, if you look back at my post I actually edited and deleted that part because i realised it was B******T and that it was offensive to those who have been cheated on, unfortunately Tojaz must have been typing with a quote in the meantime. I'm truely sorry for any offence I caused to anyone.

[hopesndreams]

Good to hear Willow!

[willowthewisp]

I'm so sick of this, two years, finally reached anger and felt like I was heading towards indifference, finally can see that my ex was not a decent man. What happens? I dream about him last night, dreamt we were having sex. FFS!!!!!

 

I simply do not want this man to be a part of my thought process anymore, I just want him gone. Why will he not leave me alone, he has had no problem no thinking about me, not bothered in the slightest, didn't even bother to grieve, just denial and on his merry way. I just don't want him in my life anymore and when I am dreaming about being intimate with him, he is in my life. Why will this not stop?

[You Go Girl]

Willow,

 

I'm behind reading your thread but I jumped to the last page. I saw the bit about the dream.

You have to trust your own mind. Your dream thoughts are busy doing work. Gaining understanding, remininiscing even possibly when your mind desires, sorting through things logically and emotionally. Don't try to figure out or control what your dream mind is doing. It is doing what it needs to do for you!

It's not a step back to dream about him.

Why our minds make up the dreams they do is interesting to study, but it's beyond our capabilities.

I only know that you should trust your own dream mind to work out whatever it needs to. Our subconcious brains are smarter than we--our conscious brains are, if that makes any sense!

Trust your own mind--as in sit back and relax. There are many higher powers than our conscious mind at work, in the universe, underneath it all what we can see, the list goes on. Once you let go of control by realizing how little control you actually have, the burden is off your shoulders to even attempt to control many things such as this.

[willowthewisp]

Willow,

 

I'm behind reading your thread but I jumped to the last page. I saw the bit about the dream.

You have to trust your own mind. Your dream thoughts are busy doing work. Gaining understanding, remininiscing even possibly when your mind desires, sorting through things logically and emotionally. Don't try to figure out or control what your dream mind is doing. It is doing what it needs to do for you!

It's not a step back to dream about him.

Why our minds make up the dreams they do is interesting to study, but it's beyond our capabilities.

I only know that you should trust your own dream mind to work out whatever it needs to. Our subconcious brains are smarter than we--our conscious brains are, if that makes any sense!

Trust your own mind--as in sit back and relax. There are many higher powers than our conscious mind at work, in the universe, underneath it all what we can see, the list goes on. Once you let go of control by realizing how little control you actually have, the burden is off your shoulders to even attempt to control many things such as this.

 

Yes, it's telling me I still love him, but what is the use in still loving him? I don't want to love him anymore, it's pointless, it has no use, it just means I am in pain all the time.

 

It's OK for him, he's off in denial world, not a thought of me, no grieving, nada. Here I am two years later, still grieving. I just don't see my life ever being happy again, I miss him so much, as much as I try to make myself dislike him, even looking at the relationship now and trying to focus on the bad, plus the way he left me and his treatment of me after, non of which I deserved, I still can't make myself stop loving him.

 

I just don't see this ever getting better. I am doing everything I can to move on, to let go. As you know I have been back to school, I have three months left now until I finish the professional stage of training, I am filling out job applications, but getting no where in this economy. I am still living in an abusive home enviroment. I have been in IC, that is done now as there is no more they can do to help me, I am getting out and about, new hobbies, new friends, going out socialising, starting dating again etc. Non of it is making any headway. I just feel like I will never get over this, that I am never going to meet someone who I love like I did him because at the end of the day, they aren't him. I don't need someone, but I would like someone, I don't enjoy being single. I'm OK single and I'm not looking to fill a void, I ended a relationship recently because he wasn't right for me, so I'm not just looking to fill a gap. I just want to be happy again and I don't see how that is ever going to be possible.

[willowthewisp]

When will this stop? When will it be over?

[debtman]

I hear you and I feel the same way. Not all the time, but too much of the time. I don't know what to tell you except to say what I keep telling myself.

 

You CAN'T GET IT BACK, at least not with him. I'm sorry. As much as I disliked her at times, as much as she drove me crazy, as controlling as she was, I still loved her and was committed to her and didn't see myself without her. Ever...that's the way I was planning my life, my future. Then, one day, she just decided it was over and there's NOTHING I can do to change that. So, I've got to pick myself back up and MOVE THE F**K ON!! I still have to see or talk to her everyday because of the kids. I have to call her and have OM answer her phone happily saying "Xxxx Xxxx's residence", I see his car outside when I drop off my kids, my 4 yo son runs up to me several times a week and says "(OM's name), I mean, Daddy..."

 

BUT THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. I have to realize that life will just go on. And, dammit, life it GOOD. It's not good every moment, but we're alive, we've got friends, options, possibilities. I don't love being alone, I'm a VERY social person, but I don't NEED someone in my life and I certainly don't need someone in my life who will discard me like so much trash, destroy our family, take no responsibility for it and continue to try to maintain a "friendship" with me.

 

It's by far the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my life, but, it WILL make me a stronger person, a better person and a person with more to offer the next person who comes along. I'm not looking for a relationship right now because I know I'm not ready to open myself up emotionally and I'm not the kind of person that has shallow relationships.

 

Remember that this is temporary. It will pass. It gets better. I'm better than I was 2 months ago. I'm WAY better than I was 5 months ago. I may never be 100% better, but I'm not willing to trade time from my life being angry at her anymore. She doesn't deserve my anger. I need to take that time and that energy and work on myself and my kids...

 

You're a good person willow...he's not worth your time, effort or worry.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[willowthewisp]

I hear you and I feel the same way. Not all the time, but too much of the time. I don't know what to tell you except to say what I keep telling myself.

 

You CAN'T GET IT BACK, at least not with him. I'm sorry. As much as I disliked her at times, as much as she drove me crazy, as controlling as she was, I still loved her and was committed to her and didn't see myself without her. Ever...that's the way I was planning my life, my future. Then, one day, she just decided it was over and there's NOTHING I can do to change that. So, I've got to pick myself back up and MOVE THE F**K ON!! I still have to see or talk to her everyday because of the kids. I have to call her and have OM answer her phone happily saying "Xxxx Xxxx's residence", I see his car outside when I drop off my kids, my 4 yo son runs up to me several times a week and says "(OM's name), I mean, Daddy..."

 

BUT THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. I have to realize that life will just go on. And, dammit, life it GOOD. It's not good every moment, but we're alive, we've got friends, options, possibilities. I don't love being alone, I'm a VERY social person, but I don't NEED someone in my life and I certainly don't need someone in my life who will discard me like so much trash, destroy our family, take no responsibility for it and continue to try to maintain a "friendship" with me.

 

It's by far the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my life, but, it WILL make me a stronger person, a better person and a person with more to offer the next person who comes along. I'm not looking for a relationship right now because I know I'm not ready to open myself up emotionally and I'm not the kind of person that has shallow relationships.

 

Remember that this is temporary. It will pass. It gets better. I'm better than I was 2 months ago. I'm WAY better than I was 5 months ago. I may never be 100% better, but I'm not willing to trade time from my life being angry at her anymore. She doesn't deserve my anger. I need to take that time and that energy and work on myself and my kids...

 

You're a good person willow...he's not worth your time, effort or worry.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

 

Thanks for the reply Debtman, I appreciate it, I am struggling again right now, in fact it seems I always am, which is why I am so sick of this.

 

Temporary? That is what I want to know, it doesn't feel temporary, it's been two years for me and it's still causing me a lot of pain. You're right the pain isn't as raw as it was two years ago but it is still there. I don't want it to be, I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this, I would like him to be gone completely from my mind. It's not possible though is it? 20 years is a really long time, I am 35 years old so that means I was with him more than half my entire life, how does one remove someone from being a part of them? This is what I need to know, because nothing I do seems to help or further this objective.

 

I cannot keep living with him being a present factor in my thoughts, both awake and asleep and I certainly don't want him in my life. I don't want him back. I wish it had never happened, but I would not want him back now, I would not be able to trust him, he isn't the person I thought he was, after all he did to me, making me homeless, I could not take him back if he got down on his knees and begged me, not that he's going to, he's perfectly happy with what he has done, doesn't even think he did anything wrong.

 

Life isn't good. Not for me. I am still having to live in an emotionally abusive environment, I walk on egg shells every day in case I set my abuser off. I'm trying, I'm trying very hard to work my way out of this situation, I have 3 months left in law school, but so far have not been able to get a job either a TC or Para role.

 

Do you think you will find someone else then? I've been trying to find a new man and it does not appear possible. It amazes me how people on here spouses' have managed to find affair partners, I can't even get a date with someone I fancy! I've briefly dated a couple of guys since last November, one I really liked but due to some problems it was impossible (more heartache) and the other is a really nice guy but that romantic spark just wasn't there for me.

 

I really don't want to spend my life alone, yet I can't meet anyone I am attracted to and plus, even if I did, knowing what I know now, I'm not sure I could ever beleive that a person is capable of love anymore.

[debtman]

I hear you willow. I struggle as well, and am sick of it as well. Several times every day I catch myself missing what I had, missing my kids, missing the comfortable relationship I was in and the friend I thought I had who is now gone.

 

It's not fair, it sucks, in those moments life is painful and unpleasant.

 

But, I refuse to let her decision impact my life anymore. It's a conscious decision. I have a variety of quotes printed out and posted all over and I refer to them often.

 

I have a list of things that she did that drove me crazy and, for the really bad times, I have a few irate e-mails that she sent me about how horrible our entire relationship had been. I look at those and realize that she did me a favor and OM has NO IDEA what he's gotten himself into.

 

I don't know what to tell you except that life is too damn precious to waste it pining away for something that's gone. It's spilt milk, you have to let it go. I know, easier to say than do.

 

As far as finding love again, it will happen when you least expect. Maybe after you've given up on looking for it from someone else. You need to be able to love yourself enough to be happy without him...without anyone.

 

I'm still working on that, but, am also looking for someone to help me fill the loneliness. It's certainly too early for me to do that, and I should work on myself more (I am, but I know I shouldn't be spending time looking around dating sites, etc.), but, I feel that doing some dating will help me to keep improving my self-confidence to where it was before I was with her. Just proof that no matter how good our intentions or how positive our thoughts, we still tend to make bad conscious decisions.

 

I'm sure that SOMEDAY I will find someone again. And, next time, I'll be MUCH more careful about that decision...and, I'm sure, more gun-shy about making too much of a commitment, unfortunately.

 

If you're in an emotionally abusive environment, you have to GET OUT! There has to be some sort of job you can get NOW to be able to afford your own place.

 

You seem like an amazing person from your posts. You've helped many people out with your advice. This IS temporary. You will never forget him, and there will always be a hole where he was, the same as when a family member, friend or pet passes away. But it's gone, it's over and, someday, you'll be ready to let that go, let the anger and pain go. It's the best/healthiest thing you can do for yourself. Be good to yourself!

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[willowthewisp]

There isn't any job I can get now that will enable me to get my own place. I live in a really small town, jobs are scarce in this ecomony and the ones there are pay min wgae which is not enough to even rent in a shared house. In addition I am in full time education which means if i want to pass my professional law exams I could only manage to work one day a week at most, again, not enough to pay rent, food, utilities etc. Fact is I am stuck here for at least another 3 months or until I can get a decent job somewhere, which is proving very difficult, I am applying for TC's all the time but getting no interviews.

 

I'm very down right now. I got to thinking about my ex again and I keep having recurrent dreams about him. What gets me is the way he treated our relationship like we had been dating for a couple of years rather than having been together for nearly 20 years. When he left one of the things he said was that he had always known we weren't compatible and that he had never told me he had issues with me, he had kept them well hidden. I don't understand how someone can do this. How can you be with someone for 20 years and be deciding whether the two of you are good fit? How can you just walk away without even trying to mend anything? I mean that's fine if you have just been dating for say, maybe a year, or even two, that's what dating is for, seeing if you get along, seeing if you are comaptible, but 20 years?

 

I'm becoming very disillusioned with humanity as well. I don't think these boards are helping in this respect. I keep getting more and more hurt when I see people posting about leaving their spouses because their spouse is overweight or not giving them enough sex or not doing this that or the other, whatever it is. When did people stop being unique, stop having character and personality and depth and just become something that either provides the other spouse with "things" or is thrown away as if they are worthless because they don't do everything perfectly?

 

All this makes me not wnat to ever get involved with another man romantically ever again. Yet, at the same time I long for companionship and love. Yet, again at the same time I know that is never going to be possible, because when it comes down to it, down to the crux it seems people now days just aren't capable of love, it's all about what they get, they want, what they are willing to put up with or not. Whatever happened to remembering that your spouse loves you and therefore they aren't doing anything malious to hurt you, whatever happened to remembering that non of us are perfect, the walk away spouse included. When did people become disposable items to be replaced? Or maybe it is just that some people are and have never been capable of love, perhaps they just see love as "getting" something from someone else rather than what it actually is...loving the PERSON. DOing things or not doing things are behaviours and behaviours can be changed, the fundemental personality, the uniqueness that fell you in love with is still there, so I guess for these walk aways they never loved in the first place, rather they loved what the other person gave them, did for them.....that is not love.

 

Like I said, too much of a risk to even contemplate letting someone get close to me again, but the heartbreak comes anyway from knowing I will always be alone.

Edited March 18, 2011 by willowthewisp

[worldgonewrong]

How can you be with someone for 20 years and be deciding whether the two of you are good fit? How can you just walk away without even trying to mend anything? I mean that's fine if you have just been dating for say, maybe a year, or even two, that's what dating is for, seeing if you get along, seeing if you are comaptible, but 20 years?

 

Willow - I could have written these same words exactly, too.

[willowthewisp]

Willow - I could have written these same words exactly, too.

 

He's a committment phobic, my IC is right. He said "we aren't getting a divorce", he also said "people break up all the time". It's that pharse "break up". He thought of it like that because he was careful not to commit, not to actually marry, to string me along but without actually committing, so that when the time came to committing formally, he could get out of it by saying we weren't married and therefore we were dating so he could walk without any responsibility.

 

I hate him. He has ruined my life.

[debtman]

DON'T LET HIM!! Get a hold of yourself!

 

Okay, so you can't get out of the situation you're in for 3 months...that's alright, it's temporary. Three months isn't that long, start making plans to get out of there as SOON as you're out of school. If there's nothing tying you to that area, get out. There ARE jobs out there...and opportunities...and good people (men included).

 

I hate seeing anyone this affected by the decisions someone else made. He's gone, it's over, I know, it's hard to let it go. I wish I could just never see my W again, I think that would be easier, but, until the kids get older, I have to see her everyday, see her with OM, hear my kids talk about him, miss out on time with them, but, you know what? LIFE IS AN AMAZING THING!! Even if I don't ever find someone to share it with doesn't mean I don't appreciate sunsets anymore. It doesn't mean that I don't stand outside at night and marvel at the stars. We're not here long enough to waste the time that we do have thinking about things we can't control.

 

You have to let it go. Have you ever tried meditation? Looked into Buddhist philosophy? I'm a firm believer in the fact that holding onto anger and frustration is EXTREMELY unhealthy. You deserve better. Don't let some idiot who couldn't commit to you continue to make you miserable.

 

I very much doubt that he meant what he said and he's just telling you that to convince himself that he made the right decision.

 

I'm in the process of moving back into my house since my wife found a rental and moved out. As I'm unpacking my stuff and packing her stuff I came across an anniversary card from LAST June that said "Today... tomorrow... always... (and on the inside) my heart belongs to you!" and she wrote "and it always will. I love you more than anything and anyone in the world - forever."

 

Yeah, right...people change, people lie, to themselves and to others. You're MUCH better off getting to a place where you can love who YOU are. After that happens, it doesn't matter what anyone else things. No one else can MAKE you happy, only you can do that...

 

I hate seeing people down on themselves. There are too many people in the world with NOTHING who are positive, happy and fulfilled.

 

You owe it to yourself.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[hopesndreams]

the ones there are pay min wgae which is not enough to even rent in a shared house.

 

Oh really? Tell that to the millions of people getting by on minimum wage that are able to rent themselves an apartment and sit in a corner of their living room, with no furniture, eating from a box of cheerios. Yes, I am exaggerating! If there is a will. There is a way.

 

I don't understand how someone can do this. How can you be with someone for 20 years and be deciding whether the two of you are good fit?

 

Stop trying to get into his head. You are spending way too much energy on what he is thinking. Good grief! Who gives an eff what he thinks??!! That has to be your mindset!

 

All this makes me not wnat to ever get involved with another man romantically ever again.

 

Then don't. There is no law that says we must hook up with someone to make ourselves feel whole. Love is an addiction. Look at your EX as heroin. Why would you want to get yourself off heroin and then take up the addiction of cocaine? (another man). You MUST be happy on your own 1st before you could open up and share with another man because if things go wrong with the new man, you won't be devastated beyond belief, you'd be able to pick yourself up and move on. You need to know you, all your wants and desires and only then would you be able to say, "You know what? I'm ready! Where are the hot guys at?"

 

When did people become disposable items to be replaced?

 

That is not how most people think. We, me and you, picked losers, LOSERS, to love.

[willowthewisp]

DON'T LET HIM!! Get a hold of yourself!

 

Okay, so you can't get out of the situation you're in for 3 months...that's alright, it's temporary. Three months isn't that long, start making plans to get out of there as SOON as you're out of school. If there's nothing tying you to that area, get out. There ARE jobs out there...and opportunities...and good people (men included).

 

I hate seeing anyone this affected by the decisions someone else made. He's gone, it's over, I know, it's hard to let it go. I wish I could just never see my W again, I think that would be easier, but, until the kids get older, I have to see her everyday, see her with OM, hear my kids talk about him, miss out on time with them, but, you know what? LIFE IS AN AMAZING THING!! Even if I don't ever find someone to share it with doesn't mean I don't appreciate sunsets anymore. It doesn't mean that I don't stand outside at night and marvel at the stars. We're not here long enough to waste the time that we do have thinking about things we can't control.

 

You have to let it go. Have you ever tried meditation? Looked into Buddhist philosophy? I'm a firm believer in the fact that holding onto anger and frustration is EXTREMELY unhealthy. You deserve better. Don't let some idiot who couldn't commit to you continue to make you miserable.

 

I very much doubt that he meant what he said and he's just telling you that to convince himself that he made the right decision.

 

I'm in the process of moving back into my house since my wife found a rental and moved out. As I'm unpacking my stuff and packing her stuff I came across an anniversary card from LAST June that said "Today... tomorrow... always... (and on the inside) my heart belongs to you!" and she wrote "and it always will. I love you more than anything and anyone in the world - forever."

 

Yeah, right...people change, people lie, to themselves and to others. You're MUCH better off getting to a place where you can love who YOU are. After that happens, it doesn't matter what anyone else things. No one else can MAKE you happy, only you can do that...

 

I hate seeing people down on themselves. There are too many people in the world with NOTHING who are positive, happy and fulfilled.

 

You owe it to yourself.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

 

That's just it though, how can I even like myself when I am clearly worthless? I must be worthless because why else would someone leave me after 20 years? Why would someone stay with me that long, not marrying me, saying they were going to marry me, live with me, tell me they thought of me as their wife but when it came down to actually marring me, tell me that they had never thought we were compatible, that they had just been hoping things would get better for the last 8 years?

 

How can I possibly be worth anything, when someone who was wonderful could just up and leave me like that? Do you see what I mean? I can't be worth anything because to spend that long with me and leave and cut me out of his life completely (I haven't heard from him in nearly 2 years), must mean I am worthless. Espically when you factor in that he has met someone, moved her in and they are getting married sometime in the next few weeks, so I have heard, but I don't know for sure if it is true as the source was a friend I had an argument with. If it is true though, it just goes to show that if he can marry someone he has known less than a year, then I must be really awful for him to spend 20 years with me, not marrying me and then just leave without any warning.

 

Debtman, I feel really bad for you having to see your XW and OM. It won't last you know? One of the other will eventually cheat because neither of them know how to resolve conflict and neither care about anyone but themself. It may take a while, because they will be determined to prove to everyone else and themselves that they did the right thing, but eventually it will happen.

[willowthewisp]

**** it!

 

I'm never going to get over this, it hurts too much, I can't do this anymore.

[tojaz]

That's just it though, how can I even like myself when I am clearly worthless? I must be worthless because why else would someone leave me after 20 years? Why would someone stay with me that long, not marrying me, saying they were going to marry me, live with me, tell me they thought of me as their wife but when it came down to actually marring me, tell me that they had never thought we were compatible, that they had just been hoping things would get better for the last 8 years?

 

How can I possibly be worth anything, when someone who was wonderful could just up and leave me like that? Do you see what I mean? I can't be worth anything because to spend that long with me and leave and cut me out of his life completely (I haven't heard from him in nearly 2 years), must mean I am worthless. Espically when you factor in that he has met someone, moved her in and they are getting married sometime in the next few weeks, so I have heard, but I don't know for sure if it is true as the source was a friend I had an argument with. If it is true though, it just goes to show that if he can marry someone he has known less than a year, then I must be really awful for him to spend 20 years with me, not marrying me and then just leave without any warning.

 

 

Do these things say more about him or about you? I would say this is all about him! You cannot bundle all your self worth in the opinion of one man. What gives him that kind of power? Hes a person just like anyone else with his own flaws and faults..... A LOT OF THEM! So because this one guy who didn't treat you very well gives you a raw deal then thats what defines you? I would be willing to bet that the number of people that see the good, the caring, and the heart you posess outnumber those that share his skewed view of things. Does he decide your value or do you?

TOJAZ

[debtman]

I must be worthless because why else would someone leave me after 20 years? Why would someone stay with me that long, not marrying me, saying they were going to marry me, live with me, tell me they thought of me as their wife but when it came down to actually marring me, tell me that they had never thought we were compatible, that they had just been hoping things would get better for the last 8 years?

 

BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM! Don't put his inadequacies on yourself. YOU were not the problem, he was. Just because he's found someone else (a rebound that makes him excited with the "newness" of everything) and is willing to jump right into something with them doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you.

 

How can I possibly be worth anything, when someone who was wonderful could just up and leave me like that?

 

You've got this wrong. Someone who was "wonderful" couldn't just up and leave you like that. He wasn't wonderful. He was commitment-phobic and he wasn't under pressure to get married (I'm guessing), so why would he?

 

 

it just goes to show that if he can marry someone he has known less than a year, then I must be really awful for him to spend 20 years with me, not marrying me and then just leave without any warning.

 

No, it doesn't. It shows that he is living in denial of who he is, what problems he has and is caught up in the "honeymoon" phase of the new relationship. Except that next time all of his issues and problems come up he'll actually have to get divorced and won't be able to just walk away as easily.

 

Debtman, I feel really bad for you having to see your XW and OM. It won't last you know? One of the other will eventually cheat because neither of them know how to resolve conflict and neither care about anyone but themself. It may take a while, because they will be determined to prove to everyone else and themselves that they did the right thing, but eventually it will happen.

 

You're right, and I do realize that. However, I also hope that doesn't happen and maybe the OM will be able to convince her to address the issues that she has that caused problems in our relationship and she'll be able to fix those. I would just hate for the kids to have to go through another "break-up" and they seem to like OM. As much as I would like them to hate OM and as much as I would like to see my W have OM cheat on her and leave her, I'll let go of the selfishness and think of what's best for the kids.

 

Anyway, it's up to YOU to get yourself out of this rut. Work on yourself, focus on you, treat yourself and be good to yourself...you deserve it.

 

Good luck and keep posting..

[willowthewisp]

Do these things say more about him or about you? I would say this is all about him! You cannot bundle all your self worth in the opinion of one man. What gives him that kind of power? Hes a person just like anyone else with his own flaws and faults..... A LOT OF THEM! So because this one guy who didn't treat you very well gives you a raw deal then thats what defines you? I would be willing to bet that the number of people that see the good, the caring, and the heart you posess outnumber those that share his skewed view of things. Does he decide your value or do you?

TOJAZ

 

How can it not? He knew me intimately for nearly 20 years and then rejected me, then replaced me in less than 10 months, moved her in in less than 7 months and proposed to her in less than a year, probably got married this weekend, I was unfortunate enough to run into the "friend" and her guy who sent me the malious, nasty e-mail telling me all this, today. Totally unexpected, they aren't local, but there they were in the city I went to shop at today. It's possible they were just on a day trip and they have a holiday home further up the coast, or perhaps they were here for a wedding, my exes? I don't know, I was so upset to see them I fled before they had chance to see me.

 

Anyway, he rejected me after knowing me so well, how can I not think it was me? Afterall he's perfectly happy with the new women.

 

BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM! Don't put his inadequacies on yourself. YOU were not the problem, he was. Just because he's found someone else (a rebound that makes him excited with the "newness" of everything) and is willing to jump right into something with them doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you.

 

 

 

You've got this wrong. Someone who was "wonderful" couldn't just up and leave you like that. He wasn't wonderful. He was commitment-phobic and he wasn't under pressure to get married (I'm guessing), so why would he?

 

 

 

 

No, it doesn't. It shows that he is living in denial of who he is, what problems he has and is caught up in the "honeymoon" phase of the new relationship. Except that next time all of his issues and problems come up he'll actually have to get divorced and won't be able to just walk away as easily.

 

 

 

You're right, and I do realize that. However, I also hope that doesn't happen and maybe the OM will be able to convince her to address the issues that she has that caused problems in our relationship and she'll be able to fix those. I would just hate for the kids to have to go through another "break-up" and they seem to like OM. As much as I would like them to hate OM and as much as I would like to see my W have OM cheat on her and leave her, I'll let go of the selfishness and think of what's best for the kids.

 

Anyway, it's up to YOU to get yourself out of this rut. Work on yourself, focus on you, treat yourself and be good to yourself...you deserve it.

 

Good luck and keep posting..

 

Thanks Debtman but I just don't know, was he CP? How can he be CP when he is marrying someone else? Yes, I know the literature on CP says that a CP can marry if they can get the level of intimacy (or rather lack of it) right and the distance/space they need to maintain the marriage when they are there, so it is possible, but other times I just think he hated me and left. I don't know why though, it seems really odd that someone would choose to be there for nearly two decades then turn round and say they had never been happy and had never loved me and that they aren't even sure they know what love is now because they haven't felt that way about me in a really long time.

 

He couldn't exactly walk away esaily from me, we had a legal seperation and division of assets, through lawyers not court. He doesn't beleive in divorce, so I can't see that ever happening. And he was under pressure to get married, by me. He had proposed 8 years earlier and I told him I was fed up of waiting for the committment and wanted to get married. Looking back he tried to get out of it serveral times, using all the usual excuses he had done every other time we had started to make wedding plans over the previous eight years, things like, work was busy, bad timing because we were having a kitchen done etc, when none of these worked he tried to sabotage the relationship so I would leave him, when I didn't, he left me saying "well you were never going to end the relationship were you", we had just booked our wedding for goodness sakes.

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I'm so sick of feeling like this. It's been two years, two years and I still wake up everyday and think of him. He pervades my thoughts at various times throughout the day. It's not raw like it was in the beginning, but it's still there and I don't want it to be. It's emotionally exhausting to still be in love with someone who isn't here anymore. What is the point in missing him? So why can I not stop? I'm trying, I have gone back to university and am doing a really intensive postgrad, I have taken up a new sports hobby, I go out with friends, shopping, dinner, movies, drinks, clubbing etc. What else can I do? I've had IC. When will this stop? WIll this ever go away? ANYONE PLEASE? Will this pain ever go away? I don't want to live the rest of my life in pain like this.

Edited March 27, 2011 by willowthewisp

[tojaz]

How can it not? He knew me intimately for nearly 20 years and then rejected me, then replaced me in less than 10 months, moved her in in less than 7 months and proposed to her in less than a year, probably got married this weekend, I was unfortunate enough to run into the "friend" and her guy who sent me the malious, nasty e-mail telling me all this, today. Totally unexpected, they aren't local, but there they were in the city I went to shop at today. It's possible they were just on a day trip and they have a holiday home further up the coast, or perhaps they were here for a wedding, my exes? I don't know, I was so upset to see them I fled before they had chance to see me.

 

Anyway, he rejected me after knowing me so well, how can I not think it was me? Afterall he's perfectly happy with the new women.

 

Well then what did you do that was so vile? Honestly Willow, take a moment and think about it. You treated him well! You were a good fiance' and treated the relationship as a priority. Did he?

 

Hes the one that flaked, hes the one that caused damage, did the hurting and left. Not you! Theres only two questions you have to ask, everything else is null.

 

1. Did you try to be the best partner you knew how to be to him?

 

2. Do you honestly believe he gave you the same in return?

 

I already know the answers and so do you!

 

You don't know anything about his new relationship, or even if there is one for that matter! So the dynamics at play there mean nothing! Maybe shes desperate, maybe shes willing to be treated poorly just to have a man in her life. Maybe shes easy to bend to his will and has no mind of her own. Maybe hes desperate and lonely and clung to the first thing that came along. The fact that he may or may not be marrying means nothing, people out there get married for the wrong reasons all the time.

 

The harder you look for answers and explanation Willow, the more likely you are to find "answers" except they won't be, just awful story lines you spin in your head in an attempt to make things fit. Its hard not to, with anyone that has hurt me, they are usually more then willing to tell me how terrible I am and how much i deserve what I'm getting. We all believe that because we care for the people force feeding these things to us. A quick look at my posts from the beginning shows me just how much I bought into it all, that negativity was almost the end of me on more then one occasion! Its a tool they use Willow, if its laid at your feet then they don't have to live with what they have done, they have a story to tell there friends and family so their decision will not be questioned.

 

I've been following your story Willow, and you've fit the pieces together over and over again, but you always take it back apart and rearrange them trying to fit them into his puzzle. It doesn't work that way.

 

TOJAZ

[willowthewisp]

Has anyone else been through this?

[trippi1432]

Has anyone else been through this?

 

Been through being replaced so easily? Been through knowing that the person left you for their own reasons that you cannot figure out or fix because you were so gaslighted so horribly and led to believe that it was always your fault? Been through that Alice in Wonderland Looking Glass moment where everything gets turned on its side and suddenly you were the one responsible for the whole thing falling apart.....perhaps.

 

Look, my exH has been with this woman that he intends to marry very soon for almost 1.5 years now. He claimed to have just started seeing her 2 weeks after he decided we could not reconcile. He moved in with her the very next week after she threw her husband out. Did it hurt, yes....it did as I NEVER figured him to be that kind of person. I didn't trust his judgement sometimes...I didn't trust his handling finances sometimes....but I trusted him in that regard to NEVER cheat on me...but guess what Willow...people do cheat...they do lie...they do gaslight and they do intend to hurt us if we allow it....that is why we should have healthy boundaries in any relationship.

 

Hes the one that flaked, hes the one that caused damage, did the hurting and left. Not you! Theres only two questions you have to ask, everything else is null.

 

1. Did you try to be the best partner you knew how to be to him?

 

2. Do you honestly believe he gave you the same in return?

 

I already know the answers and so do you!

 

[/Quote]

 

Those ARE the questions you need to ask yourself....the answer to question 1 is Yes...you did try. I know that I did....even to the point of being used by those that claimed to care about me or love me. I guess used is negative word really....more that you just give people what they want because it makes things easier no matter how much it hurts you.

 

The answer to question 2....do you believe he gave you the same in return? Most likely, he tried to be the best partner he knew how to be to you....the problem doesn't just lie in them, it is within us as well. Until you know that he did his best and you did your best, you will not be able to get to forgiveness and let go in love so you can be free.

 

There are 3 sides to every story, yours, his and the truth....just like there are 3 things that cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth ~ Buddha.

[Yasuandio]

Yes. Technically my experiece with this is 25% of yours. However, I would venture to speculate that, actually my experience as it might now be defined, is closer to 125% minus my freedom and extrodinary ongoing legal fees, plus shrinking assets ever-increasing debt.

 

Allow me to explain. From 1980-1985 I got the exact bull as you. Promises, promises, promises. The difference between you and I is that I refused any further gratuities without marriage. Within 6-8 months he proposed.

 

We have been married for 25 years. Now we are in a contenous divorce. So, really, what's the difference? Both your's and my self-esteems are in the toilet. We've been in the legal phase now over two years. He is not from US, and doesn't really grasp what each visit to Court ends up costing (last visit 15g at least, another 30g coming out of our business or my retirement plan soon - that's a small portion of what this is costing). He just doesn't get it. And will not agree for me to have enough of the estate to survive. Now, factor in, I have a newly diagnosed desease.

 

I DO NOT want any sympathy, as I can always start a thread, and I know LS folks will take care of me. I am just flipping the coin for you to view this from another perspective.

 

Think, during a divorce, your life is on hold. With this illness, I am now dependent, when I used to be highly independent. This is not a good feeling. I seldom feel well. My medications, number about 12-15, cost thousands of dollars a year. I asked my doctor, how could I just get this illness - when I've never shown symptoms before? My doctor explained it is like heart desease. Tow people, share the same propensity towards a heart attack - but only one persons has the "life event" that bring it on.

 

I know exactly the moment of shock I endured - September 21, 2008. My husband abandoned me in his home country with only $400 US. They don't speak English there, it was 6pm, a small village, and my Razor phone was on the blink. It was a few months before I could come home, I was so devistating. It also was the second time it happened.

 

The reason I told you that story is to demonstrate to you that being in a bad relationship, with the wrong person, with a person that treats you poorly/abusively can ruin not only your self-esteem but your health.

 

The writing is on wall. You have not quite invested what I have in a person that I have allowed to treat me poorly/abusely. Sometimes I have to wonder if he is actually a human being. And to think, I am so frightened at being alone with this illness, I still want him. After over two years, I still keep hoping, I still yearn for him. This looks like Stockholm's Syndrome, Addition to a Narcissist, Co-Dependence, Masocism or just down right bad judgment. And it is most humilating to admit. It can also be eviidence of severe depression, panic, and anxiety disorders - I'm sure many have had a taste of these, as the dumped.

 

If I had another chance, and I could be you (at the 20 year mark, 10 years ago for me) based on solely your own assessments, I would get on my knees right now, and kiss the ground that I am not married to this man, and he has not yet influenced my health.

 

I apologize in advance if this is too much. If it is, just ignore. I truly believed this was the one time my story might be a good exemplar.

[willowthewisp]

Yes. Technically my experiece with this is 25% of yours. However, I would venture to speculate that, actually my experience as it might now be defined, is closer to 125% minus my freedom and extrodinary ongoing legal fees, plus shrinking assets ever-increasing debt.

 

Allow me to explain. From 1980-1985 I got the exact bull as you. Promises, promises, promises. The difference between you and I is that I refused any further gratuities without marriage. Within 6-8 months he proposed.

 

We have been married for 25 years. Now we are in a contenous divorce. So, really, what's the difference? Both your's and my self-esteems are in the toilet. We've been in the legal phase now over two years. He is not from US, and doesn't really grasp what each visit to Court ends up costing (last visit 15g at least, another 30g coming out of our business or my retirement plan soon - that's a small portion of what this is costing). He just doesn't get it. And will not agree for me to have enough of the estate to survive. Now, factor in, I have a newly diagnosed desease.

 

I DO NOT want any sympathy, as I can always start a thread, and I know LS folks will take care of me. I am just flipping the coin for you to view this from another perspective.

 

Think, during a divorce, your life is on hold. With this illness, I am now dependent, when I used to be highly independent. This is not a good feeling. I seldom feel well. My medications, number about 12-15, cost thousands of dollars a year. I asked my doctor, how could I just get this illness - when I've never shown symptoms before? My doctor explained it is like heart desease. Tow people, share the same propensity towards a heart attack - but only one persons has the "life event" that bring it on.

 

I know exactly the moment of shock I endured - September 21, 2008. My husband abandoned me in his home country with only $400 US. They don't speak English there, it was 6pm, a small village, and my Razor phone was on the blink. It was a few months before I could come home, I was so devistating. It also was the second time it happened.

 

The reason I told you that story is to demonstrate to you that being in a bad relationship, with the wrong person, with a person that treats you poorly/abusively can ruin not only your self-esteem but your health.

 

The writing is on wall. You have not quite invested what I have in a person that I have allowed to treat me poorly/abusely. Sometimes I have to wonder if he is actually a human being. And to think, I am so frightened at being alone with this illness, I still want him. After over two years, I still keep hoping, I still yearn for him. This looks like Stockholm's Syndrome, Addition to a Narcissist, Co-Dependence, Masocism or just down right bad judgment. And it is most humilating to admit. It can also be eviidence of severe depression, panic, and anxiety disorders - I'm sure many have had a taste of these, as the dumped.

 

If I had another chance, and I could be you (at the 20 year mark, 10 years ago for me) based on solely your own assessments, I would get on my knees right now, and kiss the ground that I am not married to this man, and he has not yet influenced my health.

 

I apologize in advance if this is too much. If it is, just ignore. I truly believed this was the one time my story might be a good exemplar.

 

Thanks Yas, I am truely sorry for what you have had to endure and for how it has affected your health. I too know what it is like when you don't have your health, fortunately after 7 years of suffering for me (a few years ago now), a doctor was able to diagnose what was wrong with me (where many, many specialists hadn't) and it was completely curable. That time of illness was the worst of my life and yes, it was even worse than my ex leaving, so to have both happening to you must be intorable.

 

For me, my ex was not abusive and it wasn't a bad relationship, I was extremely happy with him and I htought he felt the same, he said he had hidden his unhappiness on purpose. A few days before he left, I remember sitting on my couch and thinking how I was the luckiest girl alive to have such a wonderful loving man. I had everything I had always hopes for, a man I loved with all my being, who loved me, a nice home, a cat and my health was improving, I was getting married and I couldn't have been happier. How can I possibly be thankful for him leaving me, it is second (7 yeras of illness was the worst) worst thing to have ever happened to me. Now my life is ****. Every day pales into insignificance compared to the happiness I had. How am I ever going to get over that?

 

Trippi,

 

Thank you for your response, it's good to know I am not alone. The answer to the second question though for me must be no, because he didn't try and he wasn't the best he knew how to be, not one little bit. I will never be able to forgive him, I know that, never.

 

Tojaz,

 

Thanks. What did I do that was so vile? Plenty.