Hello - lurker has finally joined and need !

[BB07]

Lakey, I luv ya and all, but in this thread I haven't seen attack/ battered, rude, name calling or anything along those lines.

 

jj33, that was an amazing post reply!

 

 

It was awesome jj!

 

Thumbs up!

[jj33]

It was awesome jj!

 

Thumbs up!

 

Thanks I have never been through a D Day so I dont speak from experience but seeing what others have posted and just imagining, I would suspect that both the BS and the OW both want to believe what they are told, both want to protect the man from the wrath or whatever of the other both want to be "on his side".

 

And that is great but you also need to look out for yourself and take each step eyes wide open. Difficult as that may be when your head is spinning.

 

Its too easy when you are in that kind of shock to say its ok that he hasnt contacted me, he needs time to think, he is in shock he is doing crisis management, but if he is there alone, then there is no reason YOU shouldnt be a priority.

 

If hes alone and your feelings in all this arent more of a priority to him that is a red flag even if he does leave because it means that he is not thinking of you as a couple. You are thinking of you as a we and he is thinking of him as a me.

 

Im not minimizing the shock of being found out before he might have been ready to discuss it, but you want to see him treating you with the same care that you treat him. Momma always said never marry a man who you love much more than he loves you. Theres a reason for that.

 

Silliest if she is not with him I do hope he has contacted you. This is not just about him. If you are meant to have a future together, its about the two of you.

[LakesideDream]

The OP sounded pretty beat up to me. If I over read it, my Bad.

[jj33]

TSF,

 

Everybody has given you great advice about what to expect from MM based on what usually happens.

 

But let me defend this MM a little. Not all MMs are losers (many are). Not all MMs who are unhappy in their marriages can leave there and then, and not all MMs even know how much they want out of the marriage until d-day 1, 2 or 3. So the fact that he hasn't communicated doesn't mean he is in NC or that he is trying to formulate some story to tell you or BS. Even if he wanted to leave his wife, he needs time to think.

 

The key is YOU and what you need to do to make you and your kids happy. The A itself is not good for your psyche. Get rid of the guilt and pain and anxiety by taking time out. Go NC and give him time to really understand what he did. Let him settle down meanwhile you will have moved on as a person. I hated the way being an OW made me feel less of a PERSON because all my needs were relegated to last place. Work to get out of that state and by the time you are done, maybe he will be free for both of you to start a "real" relationship. The thing is that you really don't want him now - the way he is. In fact, you do not want to have the same kind of relationship you have been having. End the A now and start over.

 

From all you have written, you know what you don't want. So now it's time to figure out what you want.

 

Great post Nemo

[jj33]

My sister is dating MM's business partner who spoke to him today. MM says he won't contact me til he is back as he wants to discuss this in person and doesn't want to text it all. He says he is still madly in love with me but has to tread carefully now. I'm actually scared of seeing him, daft as that sounds. I feel responsible for forcing this with my awful error of judgement. If only I hadn't have sent that stupid email.

 

Thanks for reading if you got this far. As you can imagine, I feel guilty, sick, sad and miserable for causing such pain to everyone and I haven't a clue where to go from here. :(

 

Oh Sweetie. I just read this. Tread carefully means one of two things. It either means gaslight my wife or it means take careful steps towards divorce like calling a divorce lawyer this week, sitting down with my accountant and planning OUR future carefully.

 

If he doesnt mean the latter then you need to think about what you want for yourself going forward. You say you have worried yourself sick lost weight etc I think Nemos point about building a new foundation has a lot of merit if he isnt palnning to leave.

 

Take good care

[whichwayisup]

The OP sounded pretty beat up to me. If I over read it, my Bad.

 

In her life, yes. Her MM has pulled quite a number on her, it's sad and she's hurting.. But, the replies to her (unless I missed something) have been fair, respectful and honest.

 

Anyway, I hope you're well Lakey..You are missed on here.

[findingnemo]

Great post Nemo

 

Thanks, jj33.

[IzzyB]

There's been some good advice on this thread. I have to agree with JJ though - the fact that mm isnt contacting you until he gets back is downright bull poop. Hopefully by now he has contacted you, but dday directly affected YOU and he is being incredibly self centered to think its okay to wait however long to talk to you. Did you even get a simple text? Did he even ask how YOU are doing? That will give you and indication of his level of selfishness right there.

Please update us when you get the time. Hang in there.

[bentnotbroken]

There's been some good advice on this thread. I have to agree with JJ though - the fact that mm isnt contacting you until he gets back is downright bull poop. Hopefully by now he has contacted you, but dday directly affected YOU and he is being incredibly self centered to think its okay to wait however long to talk to you. Did you even get a simple text? Did he even ask how YOU are doing? That will give you and indication of his level of selfishness right there.

Please update us when you get the time. Hang in there.

 

 

As evidenced by his cheating in the first place.

[OWoman]

TSF, welcome - sorry it was such an unpleasant experience that brought you to LS.

 

I'd caution against jumping to any conclusions at this stage - like you, your MM is probably reeling from the shock and not thinking too clearly just yet, and is probably unsure how best to proceed on any front - particularly at a distance.

 

In your place, I'd sit down and think what I wanted from the situation - did I still hope for a future with this man? Was the drama too much, and I wanted out? Could I picture myself with him in, say, five years' time?

 

If you still see a future with him, I wouldn't put too much store on what may or may not have gone down with the W. Mostly because it's "he said / she said" and you have no firm evidence on which to base faith in the one version over faith in the other; but also because even if it does turn out that his knee-jerk response was to try to minimise the A in order to buy time in dealing with the BW, that does not necessarily mean that the A holds little value for him. It may simply be that he would prefer a "managed exit", and that having his hand forced prematurely made him nervous and caused him to back-pedal. It also is no indication of his ultimate intention to leave or stay.

 

MM leave the M when they are ready to leave, and not before. Forcing his hand one way or the other will not guarantee any kind of outcome - it just muddies the water and usually leaves all three parties feeling upset, demoralised and doubtful. It is far better if the MM can reach the decision on whether to stay or leave the M in his own time, after careful consideration of all the factors, and under circumstances over which he has at least some control. That, IME, is the only solution which provides for a sustainable outcome - whether it is staying or leaving.

 

But if the drama is proving too much for you, and you are having doubts about a long-term R with him, then do not feel obligated to hang around and wait for his version. Your first responsibility is towards yourself, and you need to make sure that you protect yourself and do what is best for yourself at this stage. Good luck - I hope things work out for you the way you want them to.

[theSilliestFairy]

Hey everyone - I thought it was about time I gave an update and THANK YOU to all who took the tme to give their honest, straightforward and often non-judgemental views/opinions.

 

I don't feel attacked, if i thought that was what was going to happen to me, I wouldn't have posted.

 

So, an update.

 

I didn't hear from MM til the Sunday night when he text me from the airport. I was in pieces up til then, often crying, desperately sad. The text was sweet, it said I can't chat now, I'll talk to you tomorrow and see you Tuesday. I miss you."

 

I will cut this right down.

He picked me up on that Tuesday night 22/2, and we parked up for a while. He told me he was so relieved it was out in the open and his family were being incredibly supportive. He had told the stepson before they got home, what was going on. His daughter was OK for the time being, but the stepson wasn't speaking to him right now and he took that on the chin.

His brother and sister in law had been great, looking after his stuff and said they wanted him to be happy. He told them about me and also his parents; had had a bit of a cry, was staying in a hotel for that night then moving in with his folks for a while.

He said he wants to carry on loving me for as long as i will have him. :love:He also said it will take time for the dust to settle, be a bit $hitty for a bit but that was to be expected. His mum and Dad had even said there were things about the ex wife that they didn't like! ooops

We went back to the hotel and "made up"

 

Fast forward a month... yes, it's been a bit rough with nasty allegations from BS's circle of cronies. Stalking me on Facebook and she almost got me fired from my job for telling HR about my A with MM (!!!) which started an investigation into my email usage at work. Thankfully he didn't succeed as I never mailed him from work except for the email that brough DDay upon us... ironically.

For the most part, MM and I see each other about twice a week and text/ring every day. He is still at his parents but that will be for a while yet. we are discreet, I have had no further

contact with BS at all. I won't rub her nose in it, despite her ventng her anger and misery at us both. I accept she's hurting.

 

MM and I are passionate, considerate and loving towards each other every day. He talks of the future, wants to be invited to places/celebrations with me and tells me how genuinely happy he is to be with me. Am I one of the lucky ones? Yes I would say so given the responses I had on here, slighting him as one of the bad ones. But I know why and I don't blame you.

I'm taking things one day at a time and I have to stop expecting the world on a plate. It's going to be a long and rough year while his divorce is being settled. But thankfully he was telling me the truth when he told me he loved me while the A was still happening.

[26pointblue]

Hi TheSilliestFairy, thanks for coming back to update the forum. I'm glad things have been going well for you. I have a few questions out of curiosity [of course you don't have to answer if you don't want to - I'm just wondering]. Do you know whether MM left his wife voluntarily after she found your email or did she kick him out? Does it matter to you? Also, has either of them filed for divorce?

 

I worry when I read about the BS's allegations & him staying with his parents & you guys only seeing each other twice a week [i don't know how far apart you live], that this could be a temporary separation between them to see how things go or for him to decide what he wants to do, etc. I'm not saying this to deter or discourage you at all, but I'm just concerned for you is all. My MM moved out after his wife found out about us [awhile after - he left 'voluntarily' - meaning BS didn't throw him out, but, he felt pressure from me because I didn't want to see him anymore unless he moved out - so it's not like he just moved out all on his own accord, which is why I was asking about your situation, because maybe that makes all the difference] & that was hell on earth for me because he was clearly undecided & everything was temporary. I didn't have the strength to stay with him through that. But, now we are back on again & he is living at home again, so, I guess I don't know yet what all I have the strength for & what I don't. I think that if my MM were to move out again I wouldn't really believe it meant 'divorce' until he actually filed for divorce or at least got his own lease at a quasi-permanent place & not somewhere temporary where he could always go back at the drop of a dime.

 

Anyway I'm not trying to make your post about me & I hope your situation is different from mine. It sounds like you are much happier than I was when my MM was separated, so, it does sound different. I wish you & MM the best.

[greengoddess]

ahhhh congratulations!! How wonderful!!

 

I do see some red flags with this man though.

 

He paraded the affair with you around in front of his best friend and business partner. That says to me that he sees nothing wrong with having an affair. His bestfriend and business partner has known his wife for ten years and could care less he was playing with you and felt no guilt about not telling the wife. Again that says to me these men have an attitude that men will cheat. It's cool.

 

I'd watch him. I wouldn't trust him especially when he is "away" with the business partner friend since this man will be more than happy to cover. Your sister needs to watch this guy too. I think they are both players.

[Ms. Red]

Hi Fairy,

 

Thanks for the update.

 

I'm glad you kept your faith in him and he came through for you. You should always believe in the one you love.

 

I only wish you the best from here forward.

[theSilliestFairy]

Hey everyone

I thought I should update you as to "What happened next"

 

Well I am still with my "MM" but we will call him my DP now as we are absolutely head over heels (still), although we haven't moved in together yet as he still pays the mortgage on the family home he had with his ex. She is now in a relationship with another man and they are divorcing. His relationship with her, despite her new man, is awful. She is very spiteful by nature and seems to wear one face for him and one for her fella. You'd expect this to a degree but she has been caught out on many lies - even by her solicitor - that lead old family friends to mistrust her. I pity her sometimes as I think it must be exhausting to keep stirring up trouble rather than just living her life.

 

DP says he doesn't regret one moment of how things have turned out. He says he now sees all the cracks in his marriage and feels he lived half a life before. The saddest thing, he believes, is that she never really knew him in their 10 year marriage. He says he just papered over those cracks year by year. The way the ex acts now was evident in their marriage, he just pretended it wasn't happening - she makes enemies of friends quite easily!

 

DP and I see each other most days and spend time together as a family - us two, his daughter and my 2 boys. My sons love their new "step sister" even though she can be a bit of a madam sometimes. His family have accepted me and his parents are smashing, they absolutely hate the ex wife though!

 

My ex and I are quite good friends now. He lives with his new partner about 14 miles away in the next town. She's a little older than me and doesn't want kids. She's OK. i could probably have been friends with her in another life. They regularly have our sons and I have no reason to argue with him.

 

So all in all I have to say that an affair can become the greatest love of your life. I know as I'm living it and fall asleep smiling quite often . Have faith but listen to your head too.

 

Love and luck to all xxx

[Radagast]

So all in all I have to say that an affair can become the greatest love of your life. I know as I'm living it and fall asleep smiling quite often . Have faith but listen to your head too.

 

Love and luck to all xxx

 

Great to hear such good news. I also found the greatest love of my life through an affair, and wake up each morning still unable to believe my luck.

 

All the best for your future.

[Happyface]

he has to talk to get YOU to do what he wants!

 

he also has to talk - because he knows he's not a man of action. IF his words don't match the action - he lies.

 

tell him - don't contact me... unless your divorce is final!

 

otherwise you may as well rip your own heart out now and start stomping on it... because that's what it will feel like if you decide to stay involved.

 

even IF he gets divorced - you are doomed... you will NEVER really know if he honestly would have chosen you.

 

i'd tell him to take a leap.

 

I agree.. he might come to you because she kicked his sorry ass out.Would you really want to be second best?

You will never know if he really wanted you or was just kicked out.

 

My xMM said that he would love to be with me after his wife died and that would make everything "right"????? We are in our late sixties but what a dreadful thing to say... future faking at its worst. What phonies they are!!!

 

Happy Face.

[cocorico]

Hey everyone

I thought I should update you as to "What happened next"

 

Well I am still with my "MM" but we will call him my DP now as we are absolutely head over heels (still), although we haven't moved in together yet as he still pays the mortgage on the family home he had with his ex. She is now in a relationship with another man and they are divorcing. His relationship with her, despite her new man, is awful. She is very spiteful by nature and seems to wear one face for him and one for her fella. You'd expect this to a degree but she has been caught out on many lies - even by her solicitor - that lead old family friends to mistrust her. I pity her sometimes as I think it must be exhausting to keep stirring up trouble rather than just living her life.

 

DP says he doesn't regret one moment of how things have turned out. He says he now sees all the cracks in his marriage and feels he lived half a life before. The saddest thing, he believes, is that she never really knew him in their 10 year marriage. He says he just papered over those cracks year by year. The way the ex acts now was evident in their marriage, he just pretended it wasn't happening - she makes enemies of friends quite easily!

 

DP and I see each other most days and spend time together as a family - us two, his daughter and my 2 boys. My sons love their new "step sister" even though she can be a bit of a madam sometimes. His family have accepted me and his parents are smashing, they absolutely hate the ex wife though!

 

My ex and I are quite good friends now. He lives with his new partner about 14 miles away in the next town. She's a little older than me and doesn't want kids. She's OK. i could probably have been friends with her in another life. They regularly have our sons and I have no reason to argue with him.

 

So all in all I have to say that an affair can become the greatest love of your life. I know as I'm living it and fall asleep smiling quite often . Have faith but listen to your head too.

 

Love and luck to all xxx

 

What a cheering update! I'm so pleased things are working out for you. The toxic X, the relieved inlaws, all very familiar. I hope the D goes smoothly.

[theSilliestFairy]

The last update you gave about MM and his wife splitting up was back in March 2011 - what's the hold up with their "divorce?"

 

she started divorce proceedings through a solicitor at the beginning of this year. However, he asked her not to use a solicitor as the amount of arguments they were having, would rack up hundreds, then thousands of pounds in legal fees. He was worried neither of them could afford it. They don't agree on ANYTHING and it wouldn't be straightforward! He told her he wanted to do a quickie-divorce (do-it-yourself thing) but as usual, she resisted. Then he suggested they separate for 2 years but she said she wanted to let the whole world know he'd been unfaithful, that she was divorcing HIM and wanted to name me in the petition.

I said "go ahead, I don't care!" and he offered to make her a plaque reading I HAD AN AFFAIR that she could put on the wall if it made her feel any better! lol

 

The crunch came in April when he received a letter from her solicitor claiming he hadn't seen their daughter, paid the mortgage or paid her maintenance. Considering thats all he does, he went loopy! Cue another HUGE row.

It's sad really as their relationship has become so estranged that he says he can't even bear to sit next to her at their daughter's school show this month. Yesterday they met to say the animosity had to stop as their daughter is playing up at school, causing concern among the teachers.

 

The next move is to sell the house and the hopefully they'll come to a decision re the divorce. That said, I should probably sort my own out!

[alexandria35]

Well this sounds like a happy outcome for all involved. You got the man that the wife is obviously glad to be rid of. By reading your posts it's quite clear that the wife was through with him the moment she discovered the cheating. She was tossing his stuff out before he even got home. Good for her! and good for her for not being so stupid as to listen to his suggestion that they divorce without legal assistance.

 

What was the point in him asking her for a two year seperation? What was he hoping to gain from that, given that he has been paying the mortgage? You would think he would to get the divorce over with and have the financial matters settled as quickly as possible. She wants a divorce, has a new man and he's madly in love with you, so why is he dragging his feet? Is he still living with his parents?

 

I'm glad this is working out for everyone and everyone is getting what they wanted. I think his wife is the biggest winner.

[Radagast]

What was the point in him asking her for a two year seperation? What was he hoping to gain from that, given that he has been paying the mortgage? You would think he would to get the divorce over with and have the financial matters settled as quickly as possible. She wants a divorce, has a new man and he's madly in love with you, so why is he dragging his feet?

 

If they're in the UK, two years is the minimum length of separation before you can be granted a "no fault" divorce, if both parties agree. If the divorce is contested, a separation of five years is required. Stupid and archaic, but that's the law.