My Wife is No Longer in Love with Me

[ShatteredReality]

Hey Shattered: so nice to hear from you. I hope all is well. I don't know exactly how their relationship has played out. It's very possible that they have been off and on during this past year. I have had some people tell me they have seen her out on double dates and the guy did not fit the OM's description. Maybe they recently decided to make a commitment to each other. I can only go by what he wrote and what she said. Doesn't make me feel better, because I still do not want this to be the man in my kids lives. My daughter tells me things that she does with her mom, so my guess is she is telling her mom things I do or talk about. My kids have never once mentioned another man. It's possible she is angry about me being public because we are not divorced, but I doubt that. I think the only reason she isn't public with her OM is because it was an affair. I think if she met a man after our split and they became serious, it would be different. So I don't think she can be mad at me for being public with a woman.

 

I'm just going to keep being nice the way I have been because it has worked for me and allowed me to heal and move on. But I'm curious.

 

Well I don't know if it makes you feel better to think they at least didn't continue on the entire time or not...but unfortunately at this point you don't get to choose who she dates. Nor does she get to choose who you date. And at this point - she likely won't approve of at least the first couple of women you date after her. If the one you're currently dating turns out to be a long term and serious relationship - she'll probably hate her and feel she's encroaching on her maternal territory with the kids.

 

Basically it's all about adjusting at this point. You've come a long way and I think we're all very proud of how you've handled this difficult situation. This last year has been very difficult for all of you - these first holidays as a separated family will be very difficult for all of you...but you've kept largely positive and seem to be healing better than a lot of people do in these situations. I have no doubt you'll spend the next year learning from last year and having it all sink in and moving forward in all of this. Unfortunately for her, as she didn't handle this correctly really, the process internally will more than likely take a lot longer.

 

Oh - and all is well with us - Thanksgiving day is my "date" day with one of my boys. This year it's my older son - he will take me to a matinee and lunch. On Christmas day my other son will take me out. (On my dime and the movie of their choosing of course) It is sort of our little tradition.

[jstobo]

Shattered: first off, great thing about the dates with your kids. I love that. You hit the nail on the head with the holidays. I seemed to have lost all the holidays this year until now. I didn't have Easter, July 4th and Halloween. They all crushed me. Sent me into week long tailspins. But this weekend is my weekend, so I get them Thanksgiving. Her birthday is tomorrow and I pick the kids up at 2. So she want have her kids on her birthday night, Thanksgiving or 3 days after. She'll get to experience what I have experienced on all the holiday this year. It's terrible to sit down for Easter dinner and my kids aren't there. This will be her and her parents first reality check. We always did Thanksgiving as a whole family. My parents and her parents. This year, it will be her parents, her sister and her. She'll have no one to blame but herself. Ah darn! I'm still bitter...

[i.bellagardner]

1) Should I be trying at all since she started an EA with another man and tells me she is no longer in love with me?

 

2) There is another woman who I have recently started chatting with because of what is happening. I knew her 20 years ago. Chatting with her makes me feel better about myself and lets me know I will be OK dating. We've agreed to meet for a drink and I'm a little indifferent about it. Part of me thinks its OK cause its a friend and "hey, my wife says she isn't in love with me." The other part says, "don't stoop to her level and even the playing field." What do you all think?

 

First, although she said that she is no longer in love with you, you still need to treat her nice. You've tried so hard to earn her love back but it will never work if you keep on doing the same things. One day, she will realize that both of you needs legal separation. And please, don't date another woman until it happen.

[jstobo]

First, although she said that she is no longer in love with you, you still need to treat her nice. You've tried so hard to earn her love back but it will never work if you keep on doing the same things. One day, she will realize that both of you needs legal separation. And please, don't date another woman until it happen.

 

Hey bellagardner: thanks for your post. The post you quoted was back in February or March. So much has happened since then. We are legally separated and have filed. So the marriage is dead. Needless to say, I have dated away.

[jstobo]

I went out Saturday night with friends. I have to drop one of them off in my old neighborhood. Of course we had to drive right by my STBX's house. I saw her car in the driveway. After I dropped my friend off, I shot off a text to her that was fricken complimentary. I just said she was a good wife. AAARRRGGGHHH!! I hate myself. I was doing so well these past 6 weeks not giving her anything. Now I'm back to square one, since I just gave her the upper hand again. All that hard work was just thrown down the drain. I've been bummed for 4 days now.

[marqueemoon4]

Don't beat yourself up man.. you're human. Stay positive.

[Steadfast]

It's an interesting thing, this healing from heartbreak and divorce.

 

As for your text and what it all means, I suppose you hate the idea that she might read it and think "He still loves me". But it's true, isn't it? You do. Otherwise, you never would have sent it. Then again, what do you expect to gain in divorce? Independence from your feelings? That won't happen.

 

Just don't make a habit of it. =)

 

And, as a side note to the above comment, it is too soon for you to be dating. Be passionate about all of your relationships, not just romance. Dating before you're ready will slow down healing...don't rush the process.

 

Like her, it matters not what you say, but what you do. The process takes years if you really loved and cherished your spouse. How could it not?

 

I haven't 'given' my ex anything in a very, very long time, but I have not gained one ounce of satisfaction or healed any quicker because of that. Healing comes from realizing where you are, accepting reality and pushing on...even when you're tired of pushing. I loved her and hate what happened, but I see no reason to act like it never happened and it never bothered me. It did. I act happy when I am happy. Keep it real!

[ShatteredReality]

Jstobo...I am sorry you spent some time beating yourself up about that text. Stop thinking of it in terms of who has the upper hand, though. That is what drags you down...you continue to tell yourself you're losing something time and again. You've already lost all you had to lose in this situation...now you're in the healing period where you will go up and then down only to rise back up and fall flat on your face again. Complimenting her does nothing more than get the immediate feelings on your mind out in the open. If she were to come back and ask you "Hey, did that text the other night mean something?" You could fairly easily reply "It meant exactly what it said - you were a good wife. I just didn't want all of our interactions to be negative or strained. Have a nice evening!" Something along those lines...you're allowed to care about her and love her - it's simply evolving into a different type of caring and love. It takes time for that evolution to take place and for you to become familiar with how to feel it - once you're there everything will be much more natural - like Steadfast said. He's happy when he feels happy - but it no longer has anything to do with his ex.

[jstobo]

Had a great day yesterday everyone. The mediation of our divorce collapsed about 3 months ago and my STBX hired a bull dog attorney. I've spent the last 3 months with a lot of anxiety, sleepless nights and financial stress. Last weekend I received her declaration and it was obvious she was going to try and crush me financially and let me have the kids less. I had a real rough week. I went to my attorney and he plugged in her numbers, which is the worst case scenario. The number came out to be $20 a month more than what I've been giving her the past nine months. Turns out I had been paying her way too much. So I can end this marriage without a fight and concede everything and still survive financially, while keeping my kids 50% of the time. I cried like a fricken baby when I realized this is finally over.

 

So I celebrated by meeting a woman for the first time for drinks. Let me tell you, an absolutely gorgeous woman. Wow!! I hope I get to have a second date with this woman.

[jaymz]

Did you get a second date?

[jstobo]

Did you get a second date?

 

We have talked and texted and our second date is going to be after the holidays. I also have a first date with another woman. I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket here, but I am super attracted to the first one. She makes me chase her a little bit, which is frustrating AND exciting at the same time.

[jaymz]

Well done. Nice to see some good news!

Edited December 23, 2011 by jaymz

[jstobo]

Hey Everyone...I just wanted to let you all know I did really well for my first Christmas as a single Dad. I had the kids Christmas Eve. So I treated the night before the same as Christmas morning. So when my kids woke up Christmas Eve morning, presents were under the tree. I made sure they knew that Santa didn't bring them, but I wanted the feeling to be the same. The 3 of us enjoyed the morning like it was Christmas. They seemed to like it as well.

 

We went to my Moms later that day. The STBX picked the kids up later that night and I didn't acknowledge her in any way. The next morning my kids called and left a voicemail, which was nice. As I was listening to the voicemail, my STBX texted me "Merry Christmas...the kids left you a voicemail, but it was a little screwy, so let me know if you want them to call you back." I texted back, "tell them thanks for the voicemail." She responded with, "they're glad u got it. What time in the am do u want the kids." I actually forgot to respond to that and she texted me again that she would drop them off at 9:30. I managed to communicate with her over Christmas without really acknowledging her or Christmas. I really wasn't emotional about anything. I doubt she cared about my lack of communication, but it wasn't for her. It was for me.

 

Now I can check off another first without the Wife. New Year's and Valentine's Day are the last two and I think I'm home free!

 

I'm pretty hopeful this new woman will keep my attention over New Year's anyway.

[jstobo]

I need to write here, so I don't lash out at my STBX. Christmas Eve I was supposed to bring the kids back her place by 9pm. I was a 30 minute drive away from her place, so I got the kids in the car by 8:30, so I wouldn't be late. At 8:40, I get a text that dinner is running late and she won't be home until 9:30. I tell her she can pick the kids up at my house. She arrived at 9:50. That wasn't a big deal, but shows her lack of respect. I let that go.

 

My kids are out of school, so my Mom watched them today. My STBX reminded me yesterday that my daughter had tennis lessons at 3. I didn't have her tennis stuff. So my mom drove to my STBX's to get her tennis stuff. The STBX left them on her door step. My mom then drove the kids to her tennis lesson. At 2:59, I get a text from the ex that tennis is cancelled. She claims she just found out. I called my mom and she was saying, yah, I kind of figured since no one was here. Everyone else seemed to know it was cancelled and didn't show up, but my STBX just found out at 2:59? This is what I have to deal with over the coming years. But I am biting my lip to not say anything, because that is what she wants. But I am sooooooo ticked.

[jaymz]

A similar thing happened recently which I wasnt involved in but the STBXW told me about it but the emphasis was heavily on "not her fcault" and "all the chools fault". My kids go to some after school clubs, one of them was cancelled and the school lets the parents know via text and email. Somehow my STBXW never recieved the text or email, or when going to the school picking up the other two kids was told (porbably the other parents dislike her but I digress). So my eldest comes out and no-one is there to pick him up so he goes back with a friends parents who then drop him back to the school when the club would have finished. My STBXW goes mad and blames everyone, the school told her that he should have come back in to the school office (he is 8 so may not have thought) and they then say all ther other parents managed to pick up their kids... STBXW is not happy and says she was never informed etc etc etc and rips the school a new one.

 

Weird how everyone else knew and she didn't?

 

Weird how none of the other parents told her?

 

Everything is always someone elses fault, i name her teflon!

 

Oh well, another 15 years to go.

[jstobo]

So I handled Christmas and the tennis thing in stride. I was feeling pretty good about myself, but now I feel really good about myself. My STBX texted me about 20 minutes ago saying that the kids have been asking a lot of questions about the OM, so she feels it would be in their best interest to put a face with the name and she is going to introduce the kids to him. I responded with, whatever you think is in their best interest.

 

That was it. I'm not crying or depressed. I knew it was coming and I am amazed that is hasn't crushed me. I'm feeling something. I'm not pretending that I don't feel anything, but the more I realize how little I feel, the better I am feeling. I am really truly moving on. Of course, once my son tells me about playing soccer with him or something, I'll probably cringe. But I know there is nothing that man can do to take my place in those kids eyes. Absolutely nothing! Onward and upward!!

[Surfer203]

jstobo: Right on man, YOU are the father. No one else could ever be that.

[Soxfaninfl]

So I handled Christmas and the tennis thing in stride. I was feeling pretty good about myself, but now I feel really good about myself. My STBX texted me about 20 minutes ago saying that the kids have been asking a lot of questions about the OM, so she feels it would be in their best interest to put a face with the name and she is going to introduce the kids to him. I responded with, whatever you think is in their best interest.

 

That was it. I'm not crying or depressed. I knew it was coming and I am amazed that is hasn't crushed me. I'm feeling something. I'm not pretending that I don't feel anything, but the more I realize how little I feel, the better I am feeling. I am really truly moving on. Of course, once my son tells me about playing soccer with him or something, I'll probably cringe. But I know there is nothing that man can do to take my place in those kids eyes. Absolutely nothing! Onward and upward!!

 

You will need to make sure that he is not verbally or physically abusive towards them. I have this worry when my ex-wife introduces her BF to my 8 year old son. We were married for 11 years.

[Steadfast]

I'm not crying or depressed. I knew it was coming and I am amazed that is hasn't crushed me. I'm feeling something. I'm not pretending that I don't feel anything, but the more I realize how little I feel, the better I am feeling. I am really truly moving on. Of course, once my son tells me about playing soccer with him or something, I'll probably cringe.

 

You will, but that's normal. Remember you're trying to make the unnatural natural, and that's never easy. My advice is to be as nice to him as you possibly can; really make an effort to be cheerful and friendly. Not 'let's hang out' friendly, more like a "I've been where you are" type of attitude.

 

Because you have. He's with a cheater. Not a good thing. Think about it.

 

As for the kids, if he tries to force a relationship upon them too soon, it'll backfire. Right now the drama is high and kids love drama. They might even use him against you to get what they want. Keep your head straight. Always check your motivation and understand they are your responsibility. My GF has kids and try as they might at times, I do not allow them to place me in the role of a parent. I'm an adult and I'm here for them. That's it. Their father is very friendly to me. He's probably grateful I'm not a wacko.

 

This is one of the best, most positive posts I've seen here in awhile. I know exactly where you're at and it is the road to healing. There will be bumps, but you are not fooling yourself or acting victimized. Bravo jstobo!

[Soxfaninfl]

I need to write here, so I don't lash out at my STBX. Christmas Eve I was supposed to bring the kids back her place by 9pm. I was a 30 minute drive away from her place, so I got the kids in the car by 8:30, so I wouldn't be late. At 8:40, I get a text that dinner is running late and she won't be home until 9:30. I tell her she can pick the kids up at my house. She arrived at 9:50. That wasn't a big deal, but shows her lack of respect. I let that go.

 

My kids are out of school, so my Mom watched them today. My STBX reminded me yesterday that my daughter had tennis lessons at 3. I didn't have her tennis stuff. So my mom drove to my STBX's to get her tennis stuff. The STBX left them on her door step. My mom then drove the kids to her tennis lesson. At 2:59, I get a text from the ex that tennis is cancelled. She claims she just found out. I called my mom and she was saying, yah, I kind of figured since no one was here. Everyone else seemed to know it was cancelled and didn't show up, but my STBX just found out at 2:59? This is what I have to deal with over the coming years. But I am biting my lip to not say anything, because that is what she wants. But I am sooooooo ticked.

 

I chose every other week to have my son, so I don't have to deal with this type of BS from my ex-wife. I do miss my son terribly, but I don't have to see her at all. I have my son Monady to Monaday.

[2sunny]

You will need to make sure that he is not verbally or physically abusive towards them. I have this worry when my ex-wife introduces her BF to my 8 year old son. We were married for 11 years.

 

Let's be realistic - you have very little control over any of this.

 

Even as an adult - I had no idea the kind of abuse I was being subjected to in my M. It was only after I woke up did I realize the extent of what I had endured.

 

How do you know it's "abuse" when it's your "sense of normal"? You don't know...and "others" can't stop it fix it either.

[jstobo]

From what little I know of him, he seems like a decent guy. He has a job, has a 3 year old daughter and won the heart of my STBX. She waited 14 months to introduce him to the kids. Unfortunately, all of those qualities are overlooked for me because he pursued a married woman. My STBX let him and she is obviously happy with him. Throwing that part out, I have good reason to believe he'll be good to my kids. And that is all I care about at this time.

 

It seems really unfair how all of this has unfolded. The one who cheats gets all the happiness, the home, financial support and the friends. The BS is left picking up the pieces alone. But I know with all my heart, I am seeing a better life. Better times with my kids, better times with my family, more financial stability and freedom to more of the things I want to do. My last piece, is a good solid relationship with a good and kind woman. I am confident she is out there. I'm hopeful I have already met her!

[Soxfaninfl]

Let's be realistic - you have very little control over any of this.

 

Even as an adult - I had no idea the kind of abuse I was being subjected to in my M. It was only after I woke up did I realize the extent of what I had endured.

 

How do you know it's "abuse" when it's your "sense of normal"? You don't know...and "others" can't stop it fix it either.

 

 

Well my ex wife's BF had a domestic battery charge 10 years ago. I ran a back ground check on him. I will not tolerate another man physically touching my son in an inappropriate way or talking to him. Yes, I do have control of this cause I will take him away from her if this occurs. I will get a lawyer and go to court to get this done.

[g450]

I have read through this entire thread and just have to say Wow!

 

I was in similar situation myself except our only Son was thankfully grown. And her HS sweeteart she kept a secret until two months after she divorced me. We have almost no contact. Maybe once every four months or so regarding my Son usually. Son lives with her.

 

I admire how you handled yourself. I am also in your shoes now in a way as I have found a woman that I am head over heels for and we plan on getting married in June. I will have to deal with a loser ex husband who refuses to pay child support and a 13 year old that sees me as overly disciplary. Wish me luck.

 

Only thing I can tell you is if you do get serious with another woman, think long and hard for a long long time before making a comitment if the woman has any kids or exes still in her life.

[Soxfaninfl]

From what little I know of him, he seems like a decent guy. He has a job, has a 3 year old daughter and won the heart of my STBX. She waited 14 months to introduce him to the kids. Unfortunately, all of those qualities are overlooked for me because he pursued a married woman.

 

Exactly. He is a piece of crap. His family was split apart, and he simply help destroy yours. Men who persue married women are pieces of trash and only care about themselves.