tojaz Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I haven't posted in a long time... My mother passed, that was the last time. That was/is pretty heartbreaking for me, even though we never had a great relationship. My wife was good to me during the weeks after, spending quite a few times listening to me cry. Things were looking brighter. She was becoming more affectionate, more attentive, was inviting me to do things with her. But, I pushed a little to fast about "what are we doing" and she crawled back into her shell. That's where we are now. It has been 6 weeks tonight since she moved out. I'm still heartbroken. I cry everyday. I'm trying to learn to be patient. In a few weeks (22nd) I have my first appointment with a councilor. I'm tired of the roller coaster and I just want to get off. I'm rambling because I am sad and lonely. I get my daughter tomorrow until Sunday, and that usually makes for a happier time for me. Anyway, to a point here. Two weeks ago, my wife started asking me if I wanted to stay all night with the kids while she was at work (she works overnight) and the weather was poor. I resisted because it made me more lonely somehow and she got frustrated with me. She told me, "I keep giving you chances to work on things and you keep turning them down". I told her that I was unsure about things and I need something more concrete about our relationship so I could figure out things a bit. She told me then she loved me and we "would talk soon about things". By that weekend, I was frustrated and kind of lashed out about things and she pushed me away hard. This weekend is a week past that. I've went pretty NC for the last couple of days...tomorrow I see her to pick up my daughter. I am going to do the 180, that seemed to have been working...no games just acting like someone she would want to be with. I'm anxious about things still. I went from having hope to being crushed again all in two weeks. WTH am I doing? They call it a roller coaster for a reason SLM Not just because of the ups and downs but because YOU AIN"T DRIVIN BUDDY! Your along for the ride. The only thing you can do is do the best you can to assure you don't get thrown off, and take in as much as you can while its still rolling, the rest is in her hands. That being said, don't beat yourself up, sounds like your doing fine and shes giving you hints to what shes looking for. This isn't a you ask how high scenario though. If you don't want to stay, then don't. You have a right to act on the behalf of your own sensitivities as well, but slow down and listen, catch and acknowledge the hints. Tell her you'd like to but you can't but instead you'd like to do something with them that your more comfortable with. You have no control over her response or interpretation of course, but its honest. If you find yourself trying to live on her terms, not going to work, your terms.... not going to work either. You have to meet in the middle on these things, it will make it easier for you both to communicate on those levels if she sees your willing to open up. That is what your pushing for right? Forget acting like anybody but who SLM wants to be. There was a time when that was good enough for her. You've already acknowledged the things you'd like to change, so your on your way, its just time to put those efforts on display, sounds like shes watching. TOJAZ
trippi1432 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Just to clarify my earlier post....I don't think it's that your wife is asking for a "how high" scenario....but I do agree with Tojaz here that it cannot be a your terms or her terms thing when it comes to the marriage. To meet in the middle requires seeing more than just your side and defending it...it's about seeing each other's sides and being able to support more than just your perspective, but understanding the other person's perspective too. I honestly don't see this as marital problem, but rather a family problem. How are things going with your step-daughter? Have you been making any progress there?
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