How Do I Fight For My Marriage?

[tojaz]

I guess the worse thing that could happen is they say no, right?

 

Exactly. If they say know you just wind up where you already are, but..... It also plants a seed, a definitive action that your trying rather then just words and promises. You can say you love and miss them all you want but every time you show up and its just for your daughter, that all goes out the window.

 

TOJAZ

[slm]

Man, I am having such a hard time today. I know (180) I shouldn't bring up relationship stuff, but not knowing where we stand is crushing me. I literally feel like I am going crazy.

 

I have no reference point to understand how long I must wait before she can tell me if she wants to be divorced or not. I haven't brought it up in five days, and yesterday I only talked to her via text message (5 total messages) about how they were.

 

I didn't see my daughter at all yesterday and won't again today unless I go up to her apartment to do it. Honestly, it puts me in such an emotional tailspin to see my wife that I am avoiding going up there.

 

I have no clue if I am on the right path.

[trippi1432]

Yes, this is the hard part...the not knowing....but don't let that deter you or try to force a position...that is where you will get it wrong.

 

Her side - I need to fix things for all of my children, I need to ensure they are safe, I don't want to be divorced, I want to love my husband, I want us ALL to be a family....but I'm not seeing it yet.

 

Your side - I want my wife back, I want to be around my daughter all the time as a father....this last post does bother me some as I didn't see you once reference the other children and your wife is a package deal....

 

So, when was the last time you took all the kids out to give your wife a break?

[slm]

Yes, this is the hard part...the not knowing....but don't let that deter you or try to force a position...that is where you will get it wrong.

 

Her side - I need to fix things for all of my children, I need to ensure they are safe, I don't want to be divorced, I want to love my husband, I want us ALL to be a family....but I'm not seeing it yet.

 

Your side - I want my wife back, I want to be around my daughter all the time as a father....this last post does bother me some as I didn't see you once reference the other children and your wife is a package deal....

 

So, when was the last time you took all the kids out to give your wife a break?

 

Honestly? I can't remember the last time. Part of that is because we have an autistic son who strongly prefers being "home".

 

I do understand they are a package deal...more now than I ever have.

[cmh2002]

slm just a word of advice if your son who is autistic likes to mostly stay home how about telling your wife you would like to spend time with all of the kids and treat her to a spay day or something like that? My oldest is autistic and while he does like staying home alot of the time as well there are times where my husband( his step dad) takes all 3 of the kids out, even tho the youngest is the only one that is his biologically. He treats all 3 of the kids the same otherwise we would not be together. good luck!

[trippi1432]

Actually, I like what cmh2002 states here slm...actually very good feedback from someone with a lot in common as you from a blended family perspective.

[slm]

Well, I went up to visit my wife and kids tonight and AGAIN broke the 180.

 

I swear, I am a smart guy, I just have no control of my emotions right now. The worst part is that I can just see in her eyes that is it killing my chances. I am going to just try to just be nice and get in and out as quickly as possible until I feel more confident that I can keep my mouth shut.

 

It was sad, because we were getting along so well, laughing and talking, THEN I screwed it all up. Why is it so hard to do what I know is necessary?

[tojaz]

Well, I went up to visit my wife and kids tonight and AGAIN broke the 180.

 

I swear, I am a smart guy, I just have no control of my emotions right now. The worst part is that I can just see in her eyes that is it killing my chances. I am going to just try to just be nice and get in and out as quickly as possible until I feel more confident that I can keep my mouth shut.

 

It was sad, because we were getting along so well, laughing and talking, THEN I screwed it all up. Why is it so hard to do what I know is necessary?

 

So what was your screw up? and was it a screw up at all?

[slm]

So what was your screw up? and was it a screw up at all?

 

I asked her if she had thought about "us"...it just went downhill from here.

 

It is frustrating because before it even came out of my mouth my brain was screaming, "NO!!!"

[tojaz]

I asked her if she had thought about "us"...it just went downhill from here.

 

It is frustrating because before it even came out of my mouth my brain was screaming, "NO!!!"

 

Well the urge to "work on it" is very hard to surpress. Especially when you have something you want to get out. The slip often isn't as bad as not knowing when to stop. You asked and I would imagine she answered either evasively or down right negative. Works like a road bud, that one was closed so your going to plug ahead at your own risk rather then waiting for it to clear. The bad part is, you risk damaging your ride and the road in the process.

 

TOJAZ

[Owl]

SLM, perhaps what you need to do is severely limit your interaction with your wife.

 

You don't seem to be able to stick to the 180 when you're around her...so limit your time around her to dropping off/picking up the kids.

 

You can still do a lot of good with these very short interactions.

 

Dress nicely, wear cologne, make sure that you're well-groomed. But...be aloof, polite but short, and focused on your kids and not your wife.

 

Make it seem like your life and your focus is on something OTHER than your wife.

 

It might seem counter-intuitive...but it's far more effective than you'd think.

[slm]

SLM, perhaps what you need to do is severely limit your interaction with your wife.

 

You don't seem to be able to stick to the 180 when you're around her...so limit your time around her to dropping off/picking up the kids.

 

You can still do a lot of good with these very short interactions.

 

Dress nicely, wear cologne, make sure that you're well-groomed. But...be aloof, polite but short, and focused on your kids and not your wife.

 

Make it seem like your life and your focus is on something OTHER than your wife.

 

It might seem counter-intuitive...but it's far more effective than you'd think.

 

That's probably sound advice for me right now. After her very cold attitude toward me last night (it was like a flip was switched in her eyes) combined with her very curt attitude with me on the phone this morning (talking about her work schedule so I can take my youngest daughter), I really am starting to get angry at her.

 

I realize that is an unhealthy attitude to have when trying to work on myself, so it is probably best if I give it a break for a week or so. I think she is going to have to understand that she doesn't want to lose me (if that is true) before she is ever going to talk about our relationship.

 

So, I have my daughter this weekend, and I am sure it is her XH's weekend with the kids, so she will have all weekend to herself. It will be the first time in a long time she just has her thoughts in an empty house.

[trippi1432]

A weekend alone may actually help her slm, she probably hasn't had any time to think with the children...it's all raw and fresh for her too. The anger you are feeling is from pain...but she is in pain too. It isn't just you who is feeling it.

 

I will give you some advice on the ugliest part of the 180...act as if you are focusing on other things, dress up, wear cologne, make her see what she is losing...it CAN backfire. My well-meaning friends and advice I even got here told me to smile, act like you can live without him, dress nice and don't be so forth-giving in what you are doing.

 

My exH moved right on to another woman he met when he left the first time (still maintains that they were just friends), and moved in with her right after she moved her husband out. We were together for 15 years and he was a lot of bad things, but the one thing I never figured him for was to leave for another woman. It was about the only thing I did trust about him. He told me later that he figured I was dating and moving on so he did too...said that was what happens when people play games, but he also knew he screwed up because he overstepped one of my biggest boundaries. They have been together for over a year now.

 

Just be careful with that advice because playing games with someone's heart can kill the love bytes that are still there. You know her better than any of us, so do what you know in your heart is right for your relationship or for your healing...don't do anything out of anger or spite. Be steady in your love for your family, that consistency will get you further than doing some of those 180 steps. Good luck.

[slm]

A weekend alone may actually help her slm, she probably hasn't had any time to think with the children...it's all raw and fresh for her too. The anger you are feeling is from pain...but she is in pain too. It isn't just you who is feeling it.

 

I will give you some advice on the ugliest part of the 180...act as if you are focusing on other things, dress up, wear cologne, make her see what she is losing...it CAN backfire. My well-meaning friends and advice I even got here told me to smile, act like you can live without him, dress nice and don't be so forth-giving in what you are doing.

 

My exH moved right on to another woman he met when he left the first time (still maintains that they were just friends), and moved in with her right after she moved her husband out. We were together for 15 years and he was a lot of bad things, but the one thing I never figured him for was to leave for another woman. It was about the only thing I did trust about him. He told me later that he figured I was dating and moving on so he did too...said that was what happens when people play games, but he also knew he screwed up because he overstepped one of my biggest boundaries. They have been together for over a year now.

 

Just be careful with that advice because playing games with someone's heart can kill the love bytes that are still there. You know her better than any of us, so do what you know in your heart is right for your relationship or for your healing...don't do anything out of anger or spite. Be steady in your love for your family, that consistency will get you further than doing some of those 180 steps. Good luck.

 

Good to see a counter point. For me the 180 isn't about making her jealous, it is about making her miss me.

[tojaz]

Good to see a counter point. For me the 180 isn't about making her jealous, it is about making her miss me.

 

EPIC FAIL! :eek:

 

SLM, what is it called when your trying to make anyone do anything?

(hint: I've posted it to you before)

 

Thats not what you want. Think real hard, deep down why do you misss her? Because shes not trying to make you, thats coming from within.

 

You want to give her the opportunity to miss you on her own. That sounds like splitting hairs, but it does make a difference. Do the 180 for you! The effect it has on her is beyond your control, always was.

 

Doing the 180, being aloof etc. thats for you. To get back to the man you are and the man you want to be, which coincidently, is the man she married.

 

TOJAZ

Edited February 5, 2011 by tojaz

[slm]

EPIC FAIL! :eek:

 

SLM, what is it called when your trying to make anyone do anything?

(hint: I've posted it to you before)

 

Thats not what you want. Think real hard, deep down why do you misss her? Because shes not trying to make you, thats coming from within.

 

You want to give her the opportunity to miss you on her own. That sounds like splitting hairs, but it does make a difference. Do the 180 for you! The effect it has on her is beyond your control, always was.

 

Doing the 180, being aloof etc. thats for you. To get back to the man you are and the man you want to be, which coincidently, is the man she married.

 

TOJAZ

 

You are exactly right.

 

"It's better to live one day as a lion, than a thousand years as a lamb"

 

My wife married me because I was a lion, now I am a lamb.

[tojaz]

You are exactly right.

 

"It's better to live one day as a lion, than a thousand years as a lamb"

 

My wife married me because I was a lion, now I am a lamb.

 

Forget that S**t SLM. Its been my experience that most lions are just exceptional actors, and most people who think they are lambs are just good men.

 

She married you because you are a good guy, because you were good with her kids. A respectful man whose company she enjoyed.

 

Quit trying to define these things my man, K.I.S.S.

 

Keep It Simple Stupid! Be you, be the guy that dated her. be the guy that she married. Not a lion, not a lamb, not the guy thats trying to hard, thats too much work, and you cant keep that up forever.

 

TOJAZ

[slm]

Forget that S**t SLM. Its been my experience that most lions are just exceptional actors, and most people who think they are lambs are just good men.

 

She married you because you are a good guy, because you were good with her kids. A respectful man whose company she enjoyed.

 

Quit trying to define these things my man, K.I.S.S.

 

Keep It Simple Stupid! Be you, be the guy that dated her. be the guy that she married. Not a lion, not a lamb, not the guy thats trying to hard, thats too much work, and you cant keep that up forever.

 

TOJAZ

 

It is a generalization of my personality, but it is closer than you think. When we met, I was just finishing college, was full of ideas and energy. There was no waste in my motion through life. Somehow in the five years since I have become this homebody who was just taking life as it came to him instead of experiencing life to the fullest.

 

That is why my wife fell in love with me. I don't mean lion/lamb as predator/prey, but more in the vein that I was comfortable with myself because I knew that I would be OK (top of the food chain). I turned into a questioning, frightened person (afraid to lose my job, afraid to take risks). When we first started dating I was never afraid to jump in with the kids, love them, help them, mold them. But as the dynamic between the oldest and I changed I started to be scared of hurting my wife. If I would have just continued putting the work in where I needed to all would have been well.

 

That is KISS for me. I'm not sure where that confident, take charge person went, but the longer this goes on the more I am aware of him trying to come back. Life doesn't revolve around someone loving me, it revolves around me loving others.

[slm]

I haven't posted in a week or so, hoping to keep my mind occupied in other ways. I am happy to report that I think things are going better with my wife. She actually walked me out after a visit a few days ago and kissed me goodbye, which is progress.

 

All of that kind of took a seat on the back burner today and my wife was at my side...because my mother passed away. Even through our differences, I was lucky enough my wife loves me enough to be there when things got difficult.

[tojaz]

Terribly sorry to hear about your Mother SLM, but glad things in other avenues are looking up for you. Keep up the good work.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

So sorry to hear about your mother, my sincere condolences.

[FaLALAla FREE]

Sor sorry for your loss.

 

You may not want to hear this, but I experienced a similar situation. We were going through a terrible time and I siffered the tragic murder of my sister. My STBXH was there for me in so many ways I let it slide what we had been going through.

 

Take a step back from her when you can and re-focus on the real issues, setting aside her supportive behavior now.

 

I didn't do that that and the rose colored glasses I put on during that time were shattered because I forgot who he really is.

[What_Next]

I am sorry to hear of your loss.

[slm]

I haven't posted in a long time...

 

My mother passed, that was the last time. That was/is pretty heartbreaking for me, even though we never had a great relationship. My wife was good to me during the weeks after, spending quite a few times listening to me cry. Things were looking brighter. She was becoming more affectionate, more attentive, was inviting me to do things with her.

 

But, I pushed a little to fast about "what are we doing" and she crawled back into her shell. That's where we are now. It has been 6 weeks tonight since she moved out. I'm still heartbroken. I cry everyday.

 

I'm trying to learn to be patient. In a few weeks (22nd) I have my first appointment with a councilor. I'm tired of the roller coaster and I just want to get off. I'm rambling because I am sad and lonely. I get my daughter tomorrow until Sunday, and that usually makes for a happier time for me.

 

Anyway, to a point here. Two weeks ago, my wife started asking me if I wanted to stay all night with the kids while she was at work (she works overnight) and the weather was poor. I resisted because it made me more lonely somehow and she got frustrated with me. She told me, "I keep giving you chances to work on things and you keep turning them down". I told her that I was unsure about things and I need something more concrete about our relationship so I could figure out things a bit. She told me then she loved me and we "would talk soon about things". By that weekend, I was frustrated and kind of lashed out about things and she pushed me away hard. This weekend is a week past that. I've went pretty NC for the last couple of days...tomorrow I see her to pick up my daughter. I am going to do the 180, that seemed to have been working...no games just acting like someone she would want to be with.

 

I'm anxious about things still. I went from having hope to being crushed again all in two weeks. WTH am I doing?

[trippi1432]

Hi Slm - sorry to hear things are so up and down...seems to be par for the course or you wouldn't be back here right?

 

I would like to examine something here though, maybe have you take a closer look at what your wife if asking of you. From what you have put out here, she still loves you and wants there to be a chance for the two of you. Where she falters is what you have not proven to her yet...not your love for her or her love for you...it's YOUR capacity to LOVE ALL THE CHILDREN. Get it??

 

Now, I am saying this and I could be wrong...but right here, from a woman's POV with children who has been through something similar....this says a lot:

 

"Two weeks ago, my wife started asking me if I wanted to stay all night with the kids while she was at work (she works overnight) and the weather was poor. I resisted because it made me more lonely somehow and she got frustrated with me. She told me, "I keep giving you chances to work on things and you keep turning them down"."

 

She asked you if you wanted to stay overnight with the kids, she wasn't going to be there...it was your chance to show her that you could "bond" with ALL of them, not just your own child. Why did you resist...well, from your words, it made you more lonely...(ego of the self)...result, she got frustrated. Why, right there slm - I keep giving you chances to work on things and you keep turning them down. That is screaming that she wants to see changes in the area of the kids, not in how you and her work....how you work with THEM!!!

 

So, in relation...here is WTH you are doing....you are pushing your wife further away because you are doing the 180 to get her back. Guess what slm, you didn't lose your wife, you lost her respect of you as a father who has the capacity to love all of the package she is and that is a woman, a wife and a mother of four children...not just your one child. If you want to act like someone she wants to be with, remember that there are 3 other children there when you pick up your daughter.

 

I know it sounds like I am coming down hard on you, and I apologize, but the fact is...if you want to act like someone she wants to be with think about how the two of you were before your daughter was born...how you acted with her and her 3 children...how accepting you were of her children and how she saw someone she respected to have in her life with her children. It takes a lot for a woman to allow a man in her life when she has children from another marriage...she has to be able to trust you around them, know that you have their best interests in mind, that you are a worthy person to stand as a father figure in their life. That is who she fell in love with, who she trusted and who she respected.

 

If you read back slm, I think you will see that has pretty much been the advice all along...work on the relationship with the children and the rest will fall into place.