How Do I Fight For My Marriage?

[slm]

Words can be sweet as honey and too much honey can make us sick. There must be actions to back the words up.

 

You are right. That is part of why our marriage is to the point it is. I am a very good talker. We have been through many of our issues and I said I would change and didn't. I don't know if I was foolish enough to think that our love was so strong that I could get away with that or what, but obviously I was very wrong.

 

Now that this has happened it has been a giant wake up call for me, but I am not sure if it has been for her. I have been there with kindness every step of the way, she knows how I feel and I honestly believe I can be a better father and husband.

 

What is killing me is her not wanting to talk about things or even commit to when we can talk about things. I haven't asked since Saturday about anything relationship related. I am impatient and lonely which is a horrible combination. I go through most of my day fine but night is terrible, especially if I have seen her. It feels like my heart is breaking but nothing is bothering her.

 

I know that isn't absolutely true...she looks like she hasn't been sleeping. It kills me that she does all of these little caring things (texting me this morning to be careful, inviting me to stay for dinner) but can't even broach the subject of us going to MC.

[tojaz]

She loves me, she has told me recently even...

 

But those are just words, right? It is actions that I need to be looking at.

 

I refer you back to my previous advice The 180 is not made up of hard and fast rules, it needs to be adapted to you and your situation. If you want to return the ILY then by all means. Its more, dont chase her around the house singing love ballads and reciting poetry. How would you feel if you told someone you loved them and they didn't return the sentiment? I know I wouldn't feel like being married to them.

 

TOJAZ

[slm]

I refer you back to my previous advice The 180 is not made up of hard and fast rules, it needs to be adapted to you and your situation. If you want to return the ILY then by all means. Its more, dont chase her around the house singing love ballads and reciting poetry. How would you feel if you told someone you loved them and they didn't return the sentiment? I know I wouldn't feel like being married to them.

 

TOJAZ

 

TOJAZ,

 

I have read through Whats_Next and Surfer and I think I have a man crush on you, LOL.

 

That said, I am the one who slipped with 'I love you'.

[vegeteslgrupeir]

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[slm]

посмотреть миньеты самая большая секс попа www порно инцест ролики ru смотреть порно без скачивания мать трахнула сына видео онлайн голенькие попки скачать короткие русские порно ролики негр он лайн порно фото девушек в масле анал мужиков порнушка школьниц порно фото учеников скачать видеоролики секса порно мультяшки бакс бани снимусь порнофильме где найти сайт издевательство над играми огромные члены бесплатное видео пизда крупным планом фото фото мужиков порно с 14 летними девочками просмотр порно роликов поход к гинекологу секс рассказы врач тантрические сексуальные отношения секс с горничными онлайн бесплатно смотреть в задницу gta san anndres секс в большом городе секс поза издает звуки врач гинеколог порно осмотр рассказы порно эротика секс извращения зофилия инсцест немецкое порно инцест семья отношения секс скачать пьяные бесплатно просмотр европейского порнофильма фото кончающих девушек в туалете порно папы с дочкой горячие видео онлайн смотреть порно видео онлайн видео порно малолеток порно ролики ботаны просмотр жесткий секс с молоденькие без ключа бесплотное_порно_фота красивые японки секс шопы адреса порно 1280

 

Spam! How do I get a mod around here?

[hopesndreams]

I reported it.

[tojaz]

It is hard for me because my wife seems to have pulled away from me so far. It is like she is doing the 180 on me.

 

By nature, I am a fixer. I am a software developer and I am used to being able to solve problems quickly. So, the "Be Patient" part of the 180 doesn't come very easily to me. I hate feeling like I am a puppy on a leash which she can yank whenever it pleases her.

 

I guess it is just hard for me to know she doesn't have answers to questions that come so easily for me. Like, "Do you want to save this?" To me, there is little gray in that statement, but somehow when I asked the answer was gray.

 

*sigh* Combine all of that with the fact I am on the down slope of the roller coaster and it seems so easy for me to just press her hand. You know, be a hard ass and get divorce papers drawn up and tell her to make up her mind. The truth is, I am terrified she will sign them and I am not ready to give up on her.

 

SLM she is way ahead of you in the process here. She already asked her self all these questions long before she let you in on the story. Thats why its such an uphill battle. It takes an awful lot of thought before someone drops the Big D bomb, so your going to be playing catch up for a while.

 

The good sign is that she is still communicating with you. In all the stories i've read and posted to hear, the ones that still make me cringe are the rapid fire Divorce, where there is never a chance. Thats how mine was. The first time I hear she was unhappy with things, there was already a lawyer in play. Time is the best advantage you have SLM, and the second is educating yourself. Read threads here, read books, whatever you can to get ahead of the curve.

 

If she doesn't have answers, then thats a positive, because it means shes still asking questions! Thats why I say that having an opportunity to rebuild is such a precious gift, and one far too many good people don't get.

 

TOJAZ

[slm]

SLM she is way ahead of you in the process here. She already asked her self all these questions long before she let you in on the story. Thats why its such an uphill battle. It takes an awful lot of thought before someone drops the Big D bomb, so your going to be playing catch up for a while.

 

The good sign is that she is still communicating with you. In all the stories i've read and posted to hear, the ones that still make me cringe are the rapid fire Divorce, where there is never a chance. Thats how mine was. The first time I hear she was unhappy with things, there was already a lawyer in play. Time is the best advantage you have SLM, and the second is educating yourself. Read threads here, read books, whatever you can to get ahead of the curve.

 

If she doesn't have answers, then thats a positive, because it means shes still asking questions! Thats why I say that having an opportunity to rebuild is such a precious gift, and one far too many good people don't get.

 

TOJAZ

 

She hasn't told me she wants a divorce.

 

During our move out process, she explicitly said to me, "I haven't said one word about wanting a divorce." She said she needed time to see if she could fix things with the kids. I asked her what that means about us and she told me, "I don't have any answers right now."

 

Then about a week later, I mentioned I had a meeting in another town and she flew off the handle, "I am still your wife and I deserve to know what you had a meeting about!" I told her it was work related and she said, "Oh, I thought you were seeing a lawyer." I asked her a couple days later why that seemed to irritate her so much and she said, "I didn't think we are to that point yet." When she saw my face at "yet", she added, "If ever".

 

Those conversations are the only reason I have hope.

[tojaz]

TOJAZ,

 

I have read through Whats_Next and Surfer and I think I have a man crush on you, LOL.

 

That said, I am the one who slipped with 'I love you'.

 

Wow >>BLUSH<< I don't know what to say. You seem like a cool guy and I have been single awhile......... nope cant do it, still prefer women, besides your married.

 

I know your the one that "slipped" just saying that its not really a slip. Dont call her every 15 minutes and tell her, or chase her around the house chanting it. It seems like it would help in your head, but it makes you very unattractive ( alot like propositioning men on an internet forum ) If it feels right and natural then its not a bad thing, the 180 done right can help a lot of people, the 180 followed to the absolute letter will drive her farther from you because you will seem quite indifferent. Apply the advice to your own story, take what you can use and leave the rest.

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

If it feels right and natural then its not a bad thing,

 

This is of course referring to the ILYs toward your wife, not propositioning men!!!!!

[slm]

This is of course referring to the ILYs toward your wife, not propositioning men!!!!!

 

Maybe man crush was the wrong choice of words.=)

[trippi1432]

:laugh::laugh: Thinking I should leave the room.....

 

H&D....shall we give them privacy?? Hoping it's only male bonding...LOL!!!

[What_Next]

Man love not withstanding I don't think it was a "slip" to let an ILY out. During our seperation I sometimes said that to my wife. She also said it sometimes to me. Of course little did I know she was just masking her affair... In my case it was genuine.

 

Your SO needs to know in their heart you still love them, they do. Now it's the absence part or rather the competitive part of a 180 that is effective. They need to realize that if they don't want you, someone else might and in addition they need to realize that they are better off with you then without you.

 

Keep it up, you're doing fine.

[Owl]

SIM...hope you don't mind my continued advice, but I wanted to ask a question.

 

What are you doing to continue to improve/build relationships with your "step" kids?

 

My opinion...and only my opinion...is that if you fix those relationships, your marital relationship will follow suit.

 

Nothing is more attractive to a woman than a man who truly loves and cares for her children.

 

I'm not telling you to fake it. I'm suggesting you keep working on actually learning to love and care for them. That, over time, will probably also result in some serious improvements in your marriage as well.

 

Just my thoughts, and I apologize if I'm off base here.

[slm]

SIM...hope you don't mind my continued advice, but I wanted to ask a question.

 

What are you doing to continue to improve/build relationships with your "step" kids?

 

My opinion...and only my opinion...is that if you fix those relationships, your marital relationship will follow suit.

 

Nothing is more attractive to a woman than a man who truly loves and cares for her children.

 

I'm not telling you to fake it. I'm suggesting you keep working on actually learning to love and care for them. That, over time, will probably also result in some serious improvements in your marriage as well.

 

Just my thoughts, and I apologize if I'm off base here.

 

I am doing the only available thing to me right now, just be warm and friendly when I visit to pick up my daughter. They all have been more open to me as well, the boys (8 and 12) are excited to see me and tell me all about what's been going on, but the girl (14) is her usual reserved self.

[tojaz]

I am doing the only available thing to me right now, just be warm and friendly when I visit to pick up my daughter. They all have been more open to me as well, the boys (8 and 12) are excited to see me and tell me all about what's been going on, but the girl (14) is her usual reserved self.

 

Owl gives some good advice here SLM. Rather then just being nice to them as you pick up your daughter, why not take the step and invite them along? Maybe they'll accept, maybe not, but just including them will help to close the rift. Think about how it would seem, a home with 4 kids and you there for only 1.

 

TOJAZ

[slm]

Owl gives some good advice here SLM. Rather then just being nice to them as you pick up your daughter, why not take the step and invite them along? Maybe they'll accept, maybe not, but just including them will help to close the rift. Think about how it would seem, a home with 4 kids and you there for only 1.

 

TOJAZ

 

That what is hard: I know it is good advice. I just don't know how to execute it. I've been trying by making sure I ask about how they are doing and if they need anything. The boys will go with me if I had a place to go, but I doubt the girl will.

 

Maybe I just need to "make up" activities they can be included in. We are in the middle of a blizzard right now, but when the weather clears and I start taking my daughter to the park and such, I will invite them along.

[trippi1432]

She hasn't told me she wants a divorce.

 

During our move out process, she explicitly said to me, "I haven't said one word about wanting a divorce." She said she needed time to see if she could fix things with the kids. I asked her what that means about us and she told me, "I don't have any answers right now."

 

Then about a week later, I mentioned I had a meeting in another town and she flew off the handle, "I am still your wife and I deserve to know what you had a meeting about!" I told her it was work related and she said, "Oh, I thought you were seeing a lawyer." I asked her a couple days later why that seemed to irritate her so much and she said, "I didn't think we are to that point yet." When she saw my face at "yet", she added, "If ever".

 

Those conversations are the only reason I have hope.

 

I am doing the only available thing to me right now, just be warm and friendly when I visit to pick up my daughter. They all have been more open to me as well, the boys (8 and 12) are excited to see me and tell me all about what's been going on, but the girl (14) is her usual reserved self.

 

Just some general question, to get a little more background on your situation....why would she feel that she is the only one who can "fix" things with the kids? I'm assuming that the youngest of the boys was around 3 or 4 and the daughter, oldest, was around 9 or 10 when the 2 of you married. It seems that you have a decent relationship with the boys, but the eldest child is the one who is more reserved.

 

How often is their biological father in their lives and how close is the daughter to her biological father? Being that she is older, has she always been so reserved, and to that point, how old was she when her mother and father divorced?

[slm]

Just some general question, to get a little more background on your situation....why would she feel that she is the only one who can "fix" things with the kids? I'm assuming that the youngest of the boys was around 3 or 4 and the daughter, oldest, was around 9 or 10 when the 2 of you married. It seems that you have a decent relationship with the boys, but the eldest child is the one who is more reserved.

 

How often is their biological father in their lives and how close is the daughter to her biological father? Being that she is older, has she always been so reserved, and to that point, how old was she when her mother and father divorced?

 

Trippi,

 

When she and I met, the oldest was 9, the middle was 7 and the youngest was 3. Their father is in the Army and has served twice in Iraq in the last 3 years. Prior to that, he lived about 80 miles away and RARELY saw them. Even though he lives right down the street now, he only sees them when scheduled unless my wife needs him to help with transportation. I will say he has improved since my wife and I met.

 

The oldest was 6 or so when they divorced. The youngest was a infant when my wife left him. The middle child is autistic, so he is pretty indifferent about relationship stuff. The oldest is obviously scarred from her parents divorce. In my honest opinion, she has always resented my presence in her mothers life. It isn't just our relationship that is strained, her relationship with her father and new step mother is bad as well.

 

My wife has grossly overcompensated for all of this with her and she is far more friend than parent. I understand it for what it is but I find it very unusual. My step daughter is a BEAUTIFUL girl, but other than her mother and her boyfriend she has no "real" friends. Her time is spent in sports activities, with her mom, or with her boyfriend. Unlike every other 14 year old I have EVER know, she doesn't go out with friends, she doesn't have social activities. She is a sweet girl (except to me and her step mother) and SHOULD have all the makings for a social butterfly (her mom is one, homecoming queen, yada yada).

 

That help?

[slm]

By the way, I wouldn't use the word reserved with the oldest. She hates me.

[tojaz]

That what is hard: I know it is good advice.

 

Says SLM.... "Im here for my daughter..... hey kids i miss seeing you guys, would you like to go and grab some pizza with us?"

 

Sometimes you do more damage by overthinking things.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Yes, that does help flush out the dynamic that you are seeing from your perspective. I can actually relate to a lot of what you are seeing in your wife as I was very much like this with my own daughter...more her friend than a parent. Like your step-daughter, my daughter was not a social butterfly either when she was younger.

 

No, she will not be like every other 14 year old you have ever known because you don't really know those other 14 year olds...you only see the side of them they want to show other people; however, living in the home, you can only see your step-daughter as she really is. Children want to be accepted as they are, loved and feel safe in spite of their flaws especially in their own home (strong foundation)...not much different than you or your wife. Who else knows you better than the people you live with or your own family?

 

Perhaps there is some pressure living in her mom's shadow as well...homecoming queen...etc, but our children will not be just like us for the most part. In fact, most children rebel to be more unlike us as they can, especially at that age. Even worse, to be informed that there is something not quite right because they aren't just like us or not just like the average kid...even more reason to hold onto resentments.

 

Not saying that this is your dynamic, but I have even made those assumptions and said things to my children in comparison of what I wish they were instead of accepting the fact that they are unique in their own way. One day, your own 2 year old daughter will be 14 and may not be a social butterfly like other girls her age, she may be totally different than anyone else her age, but you wouldn't love her any different...you would nurture her to be her own person and love her for her individuality right? Your step-daughter is no different really...and based on what you are saying in your post, the only person she can count on for loving her unconditionally is her mom/friend right now.

 

What are your step-daughter's strong points...what makes her unique and different than other kids her age. There is so much strength in being an individual and not just another face in a sea of people. Most 14 year old are just struggling to find out who they are....how could you help her with that?

[slm]

Says SLM.... "Im here for my daughter..... hey kids i miss seeing you guys, would you like to go and grab some pizza with us?"

 

Sometimes you do more damage by overthinking things.

 

TOJAZ

 

I guess the worse thing that could happen is they say no, right?

[slm]

Yes, that does help flush out the dynamic that you are seeing from your perspective. I can actually relate to a lot of what you are seeing in your wife as I was very much like this with my own daughter...more her friend than a parent. Like your step-daughter, my daughter was not a social butterfly either when she was younger.

 

No, she will not be like every other 14 year old you have ever known because you don't really know those other 14 year olds...you only see the side of them they want to show other people; however, living in the home, you can only see your step-daughter as she really is. Children want to be accepted as they are, loved and feel safe in spite of their flaws especially in their own home (strong foundation)...not much different than you or your wife. Who else knows you better than the people you live with or your own family?

 

Perhaps there is some pressure living in her mom's shadow as well...homecoming queen...etc, but our children will not be just like us for the most part. In fact, most children rebel to be more unlike us as they can, especially at that age. Even worse, to be informed that there is something not quite right because they aren't just like us or not just like the average kid...even more reason to hold onto resentments.

 

Not saying that this is your dynamic, but I have even made those assumptions and said things to my children in comparison of what I wish they were instead of accepting the fact that they are unique in their own way. One day, your own 2 year old daughter will be 14 and may not be a social butterfly like other girls her age, she may be totally different than anyone else her age, but you wouldn't love her any different...you would nurture her to be her own person and love her for her individuality right? Your step-daughter is no different really...and based on what you are saying in your post, the only person she can count on for loving her unconditionally is her mom/friend right now.

 

What are your step-daughter's strong points...what makes her unique and different than other kids her age. There is so much strength in being an individual and not just another face in a sea of people. Most 14 year old are just struggling to find out who they are....how could you help her with that?

 

I wasn't implying that I have ever said that about her to anyone, just my perception. I know what you mean though and I have failed in the past to provide a "safe" place for her. To be honest, our dynamic was so bad both of us were constantly walking a tightrope around each other. What I didn't see then that some introspective time has shown me is that *I* needed to help HER get off the tightrope around me.

[trippi1432]

I wasn't implying that I have ever said that about her to anyone, just my perception. I know what you mean though and I have failed in the past to provide a "safe" place for her. To be honest, our dynamic was so bad both of us were constantly walking a tightrope around each other. What I didn't see then that some introspective time has shown me is that *I* needed to help HER get off the tightrope around me.

 

:o:o Yes....but it's only a failure if you never see it, do not act on it or learn nothing from it....you are learning from this...so not a failure at all. Perception is a funny thing...without really meaning it, our perceptions can be felt by others...sometimes even incorrectly and without really meaning to portray it. On the other side, it can be a lack of self-esteem and what 14 year old does not question that?

 

To get off the tightrope, see her for her uniqueness, see her strength and just help guide her. No pressure...just consistency as it is obviously something that is missing in her life. Right now, she may feel that only her mother is giving her this. But the more consistent you are in how you treat her and see things from a different perspective, the more she will see your strength and a stronger foundation.

 

So....given the blizzard should be gone by the weekend...what do you think all the kids would like to do? Hmm, sledding...maybe???