He wants me to pursue him.

[Gypsy_Soul]

The whole, "pick a place" thing wouldn't bother me. My BF often needs help picking places---he picked the kind of food for our first date, but I picked the restaurant. I don't even mind being involved in picking the times, doing the calling, etc. I think that pursuit should feel somewhat mutual, but it is a dance, and only one leads at a time, or else you might step on some toes.

 

All in all, this guy sounds lazy, uninterested, and like he's just looking for some attention/validation. I'd pass.

 

 

 

Oh, come on. Seriously? Anyone with half a brain and an ounce of effort would know this is a bad date idea. Just as I'd never call a new guy up and suggest he come get manicures with me and then watch me grade some papers because I like to do these things. Let's be serious here. Most people pick neutral fun things when suggesting dates, especially early dates.

 

The fact that he asked for a massage really bothers me, in particular. At the very least, he should've offered to give her massage. Just like hitting the nail into the point that he's a selfish git who wants to receive.

 

This is exactly what I've been trying to say. If he took the first initiates to make it seem like he wasn't being lazy and pursue me I am open and willing to responding. In the long run it would be mutual. This guy expects me to pursue him when he hasn't taken any initiative except to text me and ask me to hang out at night at his place.

[Gypsy_Soul]

There's a revelation!

 

Ha yea! Thing is it's not a revelation to the guy I'm talking about:laugh:

[daphne]

From my online dating profile I have under first date specifying that I am very attracted to a take charge man that decides the first date while giving a few examples of the things I enjoy doing.

 

Has he asked me out to do any of those things? NO.

 

And you expected him to actually have read your profile... why? If he's not going to plan a date he certainly isn't doing any reading either.

[Gypsy_Soul]

It certainly seemed like he read my profile, because his first message to me he responded to things I said in it. Now looking back I wonder if he read the whole thing?

[dispatch3d]

He is definitely not the one being mistreated! He read my online dating profile and knew exactly what I am looking for especially after ME calling him on the phone and telling him.

 

I don't like having to do back and forth pursuing. I don't need to pursue men, because men pursue me. If he wants someone that will pursue him, I told him I am not the woman for that. If anyone is mistreating someone it would be him doing it to himself. We are not compatible on so many levels not just in our dating philosophies.

 

It's not a defense mechanism it's just moving on to someone who shares my same interests, views, and such.

 

Not only do I not like just sitting around watching sports on t.v., I do not like a sedentary lifestyle at all. He never once asked me out to dinner. From my online dating profile I have under first date specifying that I am very attracted to a take charge man that decides the first date while giving a few examples of the things I enjoy doing.

 

Has he asked me out to do any of those things? NO.

 

Haha I was thinking about why players happen, how come girls always end up with them, etc. I don't pursue men because I don't need to. Men pursue me. That's not exactly a good reason to do something? I don't bother cleaning the apartment, because my roomates will do it for me. I don't bother looking for good jobs, because I can make 20k/year playing poker.

 

Connecting the two dots, your nexting the guy because he doesn't pursue women. You want someone with similar interests. Therefore the guys you like are the ones who pursue women? Isn't that THE definition of a player?

 

Getting to the second bolded part. You are interested in guys who go out to dinner all the time? So you're ideal relationship is one with a guy who loves going out to dinner?

 

I mean, I understand a lot of this stuff is rationalized from "intuition". I just don't think your x means y is correct. I think you find y desirable, so therefore you believe x characteristic is true. So, I like it when guys take me out to dinner (y outcome, which is a positive feeling), therefore those kinds of guys have the same "interests" as me or are more active (x meaning). Orrrrr I don't like sitting around doing nothing (negative feeling - y outcome), therefore guys who don't do that are the ones I like (x negative characteristic).

 

I read some stuff because of the becoming secure thread. Emotional reasoning – Making decisions and arguments based on intuitions or personal feeling rather than an objective rationale and evidence. (See appeal to consequences.) This is from wikipedia.

 

There's also the effort-justification paradigm. Basically this says when people chose item A over items B C or D something strange happens. There will be positive aspects about B C or D they like. However, since they chose A these positive traits run counter to B C or D. This is cognitive dissonance - which humans/brains do not like. To get rid of the dissonance (liking positive things about B C or D) over time people justify that A is better because of the effort put in.

 

This can be applied to relationships, but I have to think on it a bit. I was going to write something but didn't feel like it worked well enough. I'll repost later. (oooo suspense) or just hope someone applies it to the current situation.

[mortensorchid]

I'm not a pursuer at all, I'm just not used to it for crying out loud! I have seen this guy only once in December and since then it's been a few phone calls and mostly texts. He has initiated the majority of texts and me the phone calls.

 

He hasn't asked me out on a date. The only thing he has done is invited me come over to his place while he watches football and I give him a massage! Which I didn't!

 

He tells me that all I have to do is let him know when and where I want to go out and he will be all for it. He says that I need to take initiative in the pursuing too.

 

Well, I don't know if this is normal or not but I've never been the pursuer and for me to be the one that makes the deciding and planning and having to ask him to take me out somewhere just seems weird.

 

What do you all think?

 

Oh no no no no no! This guy is looking to have his ego stroked, and it doesn't matter if it's you or someone else who is doing this. This whole situation just reeks of oddity on the outside, and on the inside looks like grandiose narcissism. Cut all ties as soon as you can.

[Mad Max]

I find it funny that women can claim they won't pursue a guy because guys pursue them and it's okay. Yet, if a guy doesn't pursue women and expects them to pursue him(whether they do or not), he's nexted and is called narcissistic.

[carhill]

Whoever holds the sexual power and cares the least controls. Acceptance is key

[Mad Max]

Whoever holds the sexual power and cares the least controls. Acceptance is key

 

 

Truer words have never been said my brother.

[carhill]

Generally this would be the woman but sometimes the dynamic gets a little foggy, especially if want and attraction get confused and this confusion results in the mitigation of sexual power. I've watched this confusion both apparently affect care, increasing the emotions of care, and, perhaps oddly, render sexual power impotent. Hopefully, I can add some specific datapoints (real life examples) shortly. The gyrations of the human psyche are fascinating

[Star Gazer]

No, it's not.

 

He's not putting in any effort because he's not very interested in you. He texts because he can also send the same text to 5 other women at the same time; talking on the phone requires one-on-one interaction. He doesn't want to plan a date because it would require some effort on his part. And probably because he doesn't want you to think it's a "date" because then you would have expectations. The only expectation he wants is the expectation that you will have sex with him.

 

In other words, he's an ***hole.

 

Absolutely, 100% agree!

 

This thread really isn't about who should pursue who. It's about a lazy, disinterested jerk. This sums it up:

 

Anyone who invites a girl he hasn't gone out with yet over to watch football and give him a massage has (a) no class, (b) no investment in the relationship, and © no intention to invest any energy in becoming a viable partner. It's lazy, crass, and childish. And it's childish to poke and prod her into making a move by presenting crappy ideas and texting her ad nauseum. It'd be one thing if he said, "Hey, let's go out to dinner. You just tell me what day is good for you." And she did. And they picked a place together. But he obviously wants her to carry the weight, and he's offering nothing but some lazy texts and lame plans. No thanks, next, I'd say.

 

(P.S. This is coming from someone who will--and has--totally ask(ed) a guy out, too, so it's not a "Men must pursue!" thing. It's a acting like you're lazy/inept in order to get someone to pursue is lame in a person thing.)

[zengirl]

I find it funny that women can claim they won't pursue a guy because guys pursue them and it's okay. Yet, if a guy doesn't pursue women and expects them to pursue him(whether they do or not), he's nexted and is called narcissistic.

 

I think any girl who was constantly texting, asked a guy to, say, come over and watch The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (football) while building her a new shoe rack for her high heels (give me a massage), and refused to add any suggestions or ideas to a real date.*

 

*This does not mean that ONE person --- the iniator --- can come up with the whole date. It also does not mean that two people cannot collaborate. But one person should not badger the other one to come up with an idea. And yes, I'd say with this, even if the genders were reversed.

 

I'm not sure I agree that the OP should always sit on her bum and wait for men to do all the iniating. However, if she meets men who are happy to do so, without her badgering (and she will), that's not the same as what the guy is doing. If a gal totally took charge with this guy, that'd be okay too, but it's lame if he tries to prod someone into it. Especially lame since he's shown he's a lazy git with his football/massage talk.