He wants me to pursue him.

[Gypsy_Soul]

lol wait, you supposedly like this guy, and he's told you all you have to do is pick a time and place and he's there. Yet you can't even do that? Wtf?

 

Hahaha this blows my mind. You realize guys regularly ask out girls. Except the situation is generally (1) They have no idea if the girl likes him at all (2) The girls may regularly flake out even if they do like him (3) The girls will regularly make "excuses" because they have anxiety over going, which overrides whether they like the guy or not.

 

Here you know he likes you AND he will show up. Hahahahaha. Anyhow, yeah this guy is such a game player. I can't believe he's like that. Lol.

 

He also knows that I am interested in him and that if he invites out on a date I will show up. I also told him I don't pursue. He knows all of this, yet he has refused to ask me out on a date. He wants me to do it. I have decided that I will not ask him out because that's not who I am or what I am about.

 

Funny he also texts me yesterday asking me if I wanted to do something with him today. I wonder if he's having a change of mind.

[Gypsy_Soul]

It does sound like he wants you to pursue him,and the massage thing is a bit much for a first meeting.He sounds like a stuck up jerk.If it were me i would take you out on a real date,dinner,dancing:)

 

Now that's my kinda guy!

[jenifer1972]

His behavior is straight out of "The Player's Handbook". Kick this douche to the curb.

[elastica]

Sorry for being honest, but to me it seems that you are the player here. I mean, really.

I don't understand why does it hurt so much to make plans... I am also very traditional, but my current BF asked me once nicely just to try and initiate some things sometimes... You know, guys cannot read minds of women, and just like you, he needs reassurance too... I see it this way: If you really cared for him, you would do it!!

How did he react when you told him that you will never ever ever ever initiate a single thing??

[zengirl]

The whole, "pick a place" thing wouldn't bother me. My BF often needs help picking places---he picked the kind of food for our first date, but I picked the restaurant. I don't even mind being involved in picking the times, doing the calling, etc. I think that pursuit should feel somewhat mutual, but it is a dance, and only one leads at a time, or else you might step on some toes.

 

All in all, this guy sounds lazy, uninterested, and like he's just looking for some attention/validation. I'd pass.

 

To me this is what he likes to do. Watch football and get massages.

 

Oh, come on. Seriously? Anyone with half a brain and an ounce of effort would know this is a bad date idea. Just as I'd never call a new guy up and suggest he come get manicures with me and then watch me grade some papers because I like to do these things. Let's be serious here. Most people pick neutral fun things when suggesting dates, especially early dates.

 

The fact that he asked for a massage really bothers me, in particular. At the very least, he should've offered to give her massage. Just like hitting the nail into the point that he's a selfish git who wants to receive.

[dispatch3d]

The whole, "pick a place" thing wouldn't bother me. My BF often needs help picking places---he picked the kind of food for our first date, but I picked the restaurant. I don't even mind being involved in picking the times, doing the calling, etc. I think that pursuit should feel somewhat mutual, but it is a dance, and only one leads at a time, or else you might step on some toes.

 

All in all, this guy sounds lazy, uninterested, and like he's just looking for some attention/validation. I'd pass.

 

 

 

Oh, come on. Seriously? Anyone with half a brain and an ounce of effort would know this is a bad date idea. Just as I'd never call a new guy up and suggest he come get manicures with me and then watch me grade some papers because I like to do these things. Let's be serious here. Most people pick neutral fun things when suggesting dates, especially early dates.

 

The fact that he asked for a massage really bothers me, in particular. At the very least, he should've offered to give her massage. Just like hitting the nail into the point that he's a selfish git who wants to receive.

 

Humm so if he said lets watch football and I'll give you a message that would be cool/fine and dandy? I'll keep that in mind. Right now I have no money, so any kind of cooooolll date is out the window (it's cold outside and everything costs money! ). The way I see it either the girl will go because she may or may not like me, or she won't go. Traditional dating is kinda dead anyways, why pretend.

[zengirl]

Humm so if he said lets watch football and I'll give you a message that would be cool/fine and dandy? I'll keep that in mind. Right now I have no money, so any kind of cooooolll date is out the window (it's cold outside and everything costs money! ). The way I see it either the girl will go because she may or may not like me, or she won't go. Traditional dating is kinda dead anyways, why pretend.

 

I'm not saying it would've been fine, but it might've been better, at least. I'd still never go. But I hate football. And think any guy I've not been on a date with offering to give me a massage = creepy. (Asking for one? Even creepier. And selfish.)

 

You don't need a lot of cash to plan a better plan than that. A walk around the park and some $2 coffees or ice cream cones? A trip to a local museum/quirky coffee shop/free local event? All plan-able. Winter makes it harder, but nowhere near impossible. The money excuse is lame. What guys like that don't want to put in is the ENERGY.

 

I'm older than you, maybe (mid-twenties), but after college, traditional dating is so not-dead. In college, maybe. I still had real dates in college, but I know some girls who didn't.

[dispatch3d]

I'm not saying it would've been fine, but it might've been better, at least. I'd still never go. But I hate football. And think any guy I've not been on a date with offering to give me a massage = creepy. (Asking for one? Even creepier. And selfish.)

 

You don't need a lot of cash to plan a better plan than that. A walk around the park and some $2 coffees or ice cream cones? A trip to a local museum/quirky coffee shop/free local event? All plan-able. Winter makes it harder, but nowhere near impossible. The money excuse is lame. What guys like that don't want to put in is the ENERGY.

 

I'm older than you, maybe (mid-twenties), but after college, traditional dating is so not-dead. In college, maybe. I still had real dates in college, but I know some girls who didn't.

 

I"m 25. I have an engineering degree and I'm doing an MBA, which is why I'm back in school. The economy was not so good when I got out, so jobs were difficult to begin with. So I looked for 6 months then decided to go back. /life story

 

I'm sure there are lots of girls in college/university who have hardly ever been on a real date. I don't know, for me asking girls out on dates was a pretty painful experience. So I'm trying the opposite approach, which I don't see how it even could be painful (some girl rejects you to hangout is a lot more minor than some girl says she'll go to x concert with you then flakes out after you've bought tickets).

[Gypsy_Soul]

I"m 25. I have an engineering degree and I'm doing an MBA, which is why I'm back in school. The economy was not so good when I got out, so jobs were difficult to begin with. So I looked for 6 months then decided to go back. /life story

 

I'm sure there are lots of girls in college/university who have hardly ever been on a real date. I don't know, for me asking girls out on dates was a pretty painful experience. So I'm trying the opposite approach, which I don't see how it even could be painful (some girl rejects you to hangout is a lot more minor than some girl says she'll go to x concert with you then flakes out after you've bought tickets).

 

I'm 33 and dating for marriage, NOT for college/university, so I expect a real date (he knows this). I don't believe that traditional dating is dead. Maybe for people that aren't really serious don't believe in traditional dating.

 

Even if he asked to massage me at his place that would be a no-no, being that this will only be the second time I would have been seeing him in person. This guy knows what I'm about. I have told him straight up what I expect. Yet, he still contacts me with BS and never really asking me out on a date.

[zengirl]

I'm 33 and dating for marriage, NOT for college/university, so I expect a real date (he knows this). I don't believe that traditional dating is dead. Maybe for people that aren't really serious don't believe in traditional dating.

 

That's how I feel about dating. And I've always had plenty of guys ask me out on real dates. Some needed/wanted help with some of the ideas -- no worries, we can talk aboit that together and find something we'd both think was fun -- but, "Hey, let's go out to dinner Wednesday night!" is not difficult.

[dispatch3d]

Well if he's like me and wants date type A, and you want date type B, doing your type by default isn't really "compromising".

 

Neither is his approach of doing just what he wants.

 

but to his defence, he said you plan the date you want, he'll attend.

[Gypsy_Soul]

Well if he's like me and wants date type A, and you want date type B, doing your type by default isn't really "compromising".

 

Neither is his approach of doing just what he wants.

 

but to his defence, he said you plan the date you want, he'll attend.

 

I know this and what I was asking everyone is, is this the new way of dating? Is this normal nowadays? For a mid 30 year old man to want to date a marriage minded woman is this the new way of courting?

 

Either way, I told him yesterday when he texts me for the thousandth time to just hang out with him that we have nothing in common especially in dating.

 

That's another thing, he only texts, and he's the one that contacts me 99% of the time.

[EasyHeart]

I know this and what I was asking everyone is, is this the new way of dating? Is this normal nowadays? For a mid 30 year old man to want to date a marriage minded woman is this the new way of courting?

No, it's not.

 

He's not putting in any effort because he's not very interested in you. He texts because he can also send the same text to 5 other women at the same time; talking on the phone requires one-on-one interaction. He doesn't want to plan a date because it would require some effort on his part. And probably because he doesn't want you to think it's a "date" because then you would have expectations. The only expectation he wants is the expectation that you will have sex with him.

 

In other words, he's an ***hole.

[zengirl]

I know this and what I was asking everyone is, is this the new way of dating? Is this normal nowadays? For a mid 30 year old man to want to date a marriage minded woman is this the new way of courting?

 

Either way, I told him yesterday when he texts me for the thousandth time to just hang out with him that we have nothing in common especially in dating.

 

That's another thing, he only texts, and he's the one that contacts me 99% of the time.

 

No, it's not normal for marriage-minded men.

[dispatch3d]

I have that jerry mcguire moment stuck in my head where he's sayin "help meeeee helppp youuuuu. HELP MEEEE HELP YOUUUU"

 

Haha unrelated though. I dunno, you did what I wouldn't have done, but meh that's just me.

 

It's probably not normal no. I don't really see how this is connected to anything though. If you want a date you can have one. Or you can just next a guy you like because of one issue.

[zengirl]

I don't really see how this is connected to anything though. If you want a date you can have one. Or you can just next a guy you like because of one issue.

 

But the one issue is huge --- the issue is the way he's treating her is not lining up with the way she wants to be treated. That's a pretty huge thing. I guess, for me, and any advice I'd give to anyone, is that the most important thing (not the only important thing) is how someone treats you and how that makes you feel. If it consistently provokes dissonance (not like a fight in a relationship, which everyone has eventually) and if the treatment, overall, isn't lining up with what you need, then it doesn't matter who the person is. He or she is just someone who can't give you what you need.

[SteveC80]

Women say they want to be pursued because they want to make sure the guy is into her etc as if men are emotionless robots who dont have the same fears as women,if women do all the pursuing just once they can see what men go through all the time

 

Plus ime women who want to be pursued and do nothing are usally like that in the relationship and expect the man to make every deicsion for em like theyre a invalid

Edited January 23, 2011 by SteveC80

[luvflower]

He may realise that you are doing this and try to "punish" you by ignoring you a lot which may hurt.

This comment is so true...but why do men do this?...I've noticed when not showing lots of reaction to his actions, the guy I'm with now has started doing so many things to test me.

 

Hope the writer of this thread realizes this before it gets to the point where my relationship is, i.e. almost at it's end...

[xpaperxcutx]

This comment is so true...but why do men do this?...I've noticed when not showing lots of reaction to his actions, the guy I'm with now has started doing so many things to test me.

 

Hope the writer of this thread realizes this before it gets to the point where my relationship is, i.e. almost at it's end...

 

They're immature little boys. I had this happen to me recently, a guy whom I was dating started playing little mind games to test my interest in him. I would understand if someone needs a little reassurance but instead of being honest about his expectations he tried to incite my jealousy by " pretending" to date and sleep with other people.

 

If someone starts testing you, they're not doing it out of curiousity, they're doing it to boost their ego and relieve their little insecured hearts. If a guy plays a game when you're not playing it, this when you pull the brakes and step off the bus.

[dispatch3d]

But the one issue is huge --- the issue is the way he's treating her is not lining up with the way she wants to be treated. That's a pretty huge thing. I guess, for me, and any advice I'd give to anyone, is that the most important thing (not the only important thing) is how someone treats you and how that makes you feel. If it consistently provokes dissonance (not like a fight in a relationship, which everyone has eventually) and if the treatment, overall, isn't lining up with what you need, then it doesn't matter who the person is. He or she is just someone who can't give you what you need.

 

I mean, I couldn't agree more about wanting someone who treats you well. My problem is that this is a strawman, it didn't happen in this case. Him saying "Well, suggest a place and a time and I'll go. I don't want to do all the pursueing." is not even close to the situation you potentially describe above.

 

To be fair, maybe you are doing him a favour, because the one being mistreated is him. I don't mind the above reasoning, but you are definitely shirking on your own responsibilities in a relationship.

 

My 2 cents....

 

edit: I mean the guy essentially said, can we have a LITTLE back and forth here. And you reacted with huh! You're treating me badly. I'm going to date someone else (which is really just a defense mechanism). I'm just calling her on bad behaviour.

[dispatch3d]

They're immature little boys. I had this happen to me recently, a guy whom I was dating started playing little mind games to test my interest in him. I would understand if someone needs a little reassurance but instead of being honest about his expectations he tried to incite my jealousy by " pretending" to date and sleep with other people.

 

If someone starts testing you, they're not doing it out of curiousity, they're doing it to boost their ego and relieve their little insecured hearts. If a guy plays a game when you're not playing it, this when you pull the brakes and step off the bus.

 

They do it out of insecurity. I'd be interested to hear how guys test women.

 

Women do the same thing to guys, and a big part of whether a guy is successful with women (arguably the only important thing) is his ability to navigate her insecurities.

[zengirl]

I mean, I couldn't agree more about wanting someone who treats you well. My problem is that this is a strawman, it didn't happen in this case. Him saying "Well, suggest a place and a time and I'll go. I don't want to do all the pursueing." is not even close to the situation you potentially describe above.

 

To be fair, maybe you are doing him a favour, because the one being mistreated is him. I don't mind the above reasoning, but you are definitely shirking on your own responsibilities in a relationship.

 

My 2 cents....

 

edit: I mean the guy essentially said, can we have a LITTLE back and forth here. And you reacted with huh! You're treating me badly. I'm going to date someone else (which is really just a defense mechanism). I'm just calling her on bad behaviour.

 

You're confused, it's not me who is the OP, and no defense mechanisms here. I've got a great guy who treats me well. I'd never settle for someone as lazy and unimaginative as the guy the OP is talking about, and I don't think anyone who experiences any dissonance with his actions should attempt to settle for him; I predict he'll be a lazy git of a guy, perhaps commitment-phobic, and certainly not good, attentive BF material. I would've stopped texting him back long ago. At least after the football request.

 

Anyone who invites a girl he hasn't gone out with yet over to watch football and give him a massage has (a) no class, (b) no investment in the relationship, and © no intention to invest any energy in becoming a viable partner. It's lazy, crass, and childish. And it's childish to poke and prod her into making a move by presenting crappy ideas and texting her ad nauseum. It'd be one thing if he said, "Hey, let's go out to dinner. You just tell me what day is good for you." And she did. And they picked a place together. But he obviously wants her to carry the weight, and he's offering nothing but some lazy texts and lame plans. No thanks, next, I'd say.

 

(P.S. This is coming from someone who will--and has--totally ask(ed) a guy out, too, so it's not a "Men must pursue!" thing. It's a acting like you're lazy/inept in order to get someone to pursue is lame in a person thing.)

Edited January 23, 2011 by zengirl

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm not a pursuer at all

 

 

There's a revelation!

[Gypsy_Soul]

I mean, I couldn't agree more about wanting someone who treats you well. My problem is that this is a strawman, it didn't happen in this case. Him saying "Well, suggest a place and a time and I'll go. I don't want to do all the pursueing." is not even close to the situation you potentially describe above.

 

To be fair, maybe you are doing him a favour, because the one being mistreated is him. I don't mind the above reasoning, but you are definitely shirking on your own responsibilities in a relationship.

 

My 2 cents....

 

edit: I mean the guy essentially said, can we have a LITTLE back and forth here. And you reacted with huh! You're treating me badly. I'm going to date someone else (which is really just a defense mechanism). I'm just calling her on bad behaviour.

 

He is definitely not the one being mistreated! He read my online dating profile and knew exactly what I am looking for especially after ME calling him on the phone and telling him.

 

I don't like having to do back and forth pursuing. I don't need to pursue men, because men pursue me. If he wants someone that will pursue him, I told him I am not the woman for that. If anyone is mistreating someone it would be him doing it to himself. We are not compatible on so many levels not just in our dating philosophies.

 

It's not a defense mechanism it's just moving on to someone who shares my same interests, views, and such.

 

Not only do I not like just sitting around watching sports on t.v., I do not like a sedentary lifestyle at all. He never once asked me out to dinner. From my online dating profile I have under first date specifying that I am very attracted to a take charge man that decides the first date while giving a few examples of the things I enjoy doing.

 

Has he asked me out to do any of those things? NO.

[Gypsy_Soul]

Humm so if he said lets watch football and I'll give you a message that would be cool/fine and dandy? I'll keep that in mind. Right now I have no money, so any kind of cooooolll date is out the window (it's cold outside and everything costs money! ). The way I see it either the girl will go because she may or may not like me, or she won't go. Traditional dating is kinda dead anyways, why pretend.

 

I live in California so the weather is pretty nice out here in the mid 70's. He knows I enjoy the outdoors very much, yet he hasn't asked me to do anything of the sort. He wants to hang out at night most of the time when he asks and he wants me to hang out at his place. No thanks!