Surfer203 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I am glad to hear you hanging in there. It is tough and your situation is especially tough! You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and that you are gaining some control over the situation. Keep going and good luck!
sally4sara Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 hey man, good job on taking charge and demanding accountability. Once a woman goes out and tastes the erotica fruit, especially the internet stuff, she seldom straightens out. It's very much like a drug addict and it leads to the mess you're in right now. I can relate. Good luck. Well you've just made an excellent case against the use of porn and suggesting all the people who come on here complaining about their partner watching porn are right to be so upset. But its off the mark. This is like saying the kids that shot up their school and fellow students did it because of the movie "The Matrix" despite the fact that millions of other people watched it and didn't go out an shoot people. This guy's wife had these impulses well before hopping on the internet and viewing pornographic stuff. He shared as much. She TOLD him she was always interested in this stuff even before. If she wasn't already into it, seeing erotic material on the internet wouldn't have her behaving this way. She is a selfish, impulsive and obsessive person. Even if she wasn't into erotica, this was going to manifest in some other way about some other subject. Its could have been gambling, stealing, drugs, or some other destructive addiction. Trying to suggest all people or specifically women (or any other group of similar people) being exposed to something will screw them up is ridiculous unless that specified group of people is people with addictive personalities. The OP needs to recognize his wife as the person she is with the problem she has. Its not the material she was dabbling in - ITS HER. Without her getting some help for her addictive tendencies, she will just find some other thing to obsess over and grow addicted to. She could promise to stay away from erotica and they will just end up having the same problem about some other subject. Stay strong OP. Addicts are bad news to everyone in their life no matter what they are addicted to.
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I agree that you need to do what you must do to honor your own boundaries and see that your children are raised in a safe, nurturing and positive environment. From what you've posted, I agree that your wife's behavior is way out of bounds. I am not "taking her side" when I say please, please consider carefully before taking the advice given here to "expose her to everybody" and to use everything you have on her to ruin her. That would be TERRIBLE for your daughters. I am not saying to protect your wife. Unfortunately, if she continues on the path she's on, she is likely to lose a lot. It really does sound like a midlife crisis - or a real manic phase. Anyway, she is the mother to your daughters. Even if she ends up out of their lives, you really don't want "my mother is a whore/ pervert / whatever" to be anywhere in their minds. They DO NOT have to know about her sexcapades at all. They are 5 and 8 years old. They have their own sexual natures to be discovered in their futures, and you really don't want all of this sexual stuff about their mother to be a part of that, if you can help it at all. There is a lot involved in keeping your daughters protected besides keeping their mom's new sexual predilections away from them. I wish you the best ... I'm sorry for the demise of your marriage.
Author losttoerotica Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 I will take the high road. I will not speak ill of my wife to my children. I refuse to do that. When they are older they may ask what happened. If she chooses to tell them so be it. If not, my main focus is on loving them as much as I am able to and be a great dad!
YellowShark Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 OMG!!! Last night she told me I was the one who needed to change to make the marriage work... Classic. What a "f"-ing cow this woman has become. You will be sooooo much better off without her in your home. I will take the high road. I will not speak ill of my wife to my children. I refuse to do that. Absolutely. The kids do not need to process the sickness that has taken over your wife. All they need is love and kindness through this time of turmoil that she has brought into your lives.
imagine Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 . I will not speak ill of my wife to my children. I refuse to do that. When they are older they may ask what happened. If she chooses to tell them so be it. She will lie! You are splitting because she has found another man and is treating him like you should be. The condition is bad, not her. Ask them to pray that she meets with God to talk to her about the marriage. Fast and pray for the marriage yourself. Further discussion with WW is bad for you. Get an intermediary to discuss terms. Leave a love letter explaining the IM and conditions. Do not be harsh. Never speak to her again until these conditions have been met. It is not good for your mental health. Read the articles for Plan B at marriage builders. com icw plan B letter. There are a range of sample letters.
Author losttoerotica Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 Well, I just got her response to my filing. As expected, SHE is asking for full custody, spousal maintenance, and child support PLUS she is saying we should sell our house and she gets half the proceeds. I live in MN, our house was purchased with pre-marital assets. Unreal woman....she's just going for cash now.
collegeguy_24 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I think its obvious by now that you have to destroy her. He own counter divorce is proof enough for that, as well as her own actions before hand. While I do believe that your children must be protected, you also have to take everything you have and trash her in court, no judge or jury or whoever will side with her once you present everything you have.
Surfer203 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 losttoerotica: So sorry man. She is showing her true colors. Consider this a blessing.. you have an opportunity to get away from this nutjob. No matter how crappy a divorce and division of assets, custody etc. might be. She is an awful person and you deserve better. You are a good person and you will live a better life with out her, I guarantee that!
whammy Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 are you going to use your proof to get custody? I mean, 100's of pages of facebook cheating, PI catching her in a mobile home with a man, live bondage shows, being friends with porn stars and porn producers, writing erotica, not to mention that some of this inappropriate behavior is going on while she is home alone with the two young children. any judge in his right mind would give you full custody. might want to reason with her about custody. how is she supposed to be this "new" her when she has the kids full time. And she does need to realize that some of the people she chooses to be around (and I guarantee they will be around all the time when you and her no longer live together) really do pose a threat to your children. anyway, hows is everything going...got an update? we can all learn from this
imagine Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 The "checkmate" test will definately prove intercourse and is legal in court. Google it.
Author losttoerotica Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 Update - some good, some bad 1. Imagine - I have no idea what you are referring to. 2. We have the first court date set for January 24th. 3. I plan to use all the facebook pages which were "properly" discovered because her alias friended my alias. The key stroke tracker and screen shots are a bit dicey. The computer she uses is a computer purchased by the business which we own 50/50 so technically speaking I can use it but my attorney wants to hold off to see how the case progresses. 4. The judge assigned to our case is very conservative and could be a good thing BUT my W has the choice to replace her. She probably is not that sharp. Until then not much. Tension in the house but we are getting along in front of the kids. Work helps as I am gone most of the day. Thanks for all our support. I don't know any of you but I appreciate it. It may be a long fight but I'm going to give it all I got.
imagine Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 The "Checkmate" is a chemical test that you apply to your wife's underwear. It will show whether another man has penetrated her. This test will last for quite a while. You need to order the checkmate product. While I have no personal experience of the product, it has been recommended here by other posters. This product will prove infidelity in court.
collegeguy_24 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 The "Checkmate" is a chemical test that you apply to your wife's underwear. It will show whether another man has penetrated her. This test will last for quite a while. You need to order the checkmate product. While I have no personal experience of the product, it has been recommended here by other posters. This product will prove infidelity in court. I have a question. If losttoerotica does this is it really allowed to be used in court? Won't they argue that because its an invasion of privacy or there was no legal paperwork involved it will be thrown out? Check with your lawyer about this losttoerotica, because if it is legal, you should do it. It can only make your case stronger and allow a better chance to gain more custody of the kids.
hanging on for now Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Please bear with the length of the post. Ultimately, the result is the same - my wife has changed....and I am struggling with such change. About a year ago, she started to have a desire to go out more, and experience life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. She has been a stay at home mom for eight years and naturally needs to "get out". She did during that time but perhaps not as much as she wanted or could have. However, over that year, the choice of venues and events has surprised me and sometimes hurt me. A close friend of hers cheated on her husband and my wife reached out to her to "help" her. (note - they are still together). However, this is the friend that my wife has been going out with the most. Over the summer time she went to a bondage club and participated in a "show". I did not know about it until later. She now goes to concerts, clubs and even 18+ clubs (my wife is 37). She is attempting to hang on to youth. Along the way she has chosen to become an "erotica" author. She is sinking all her energies into it....during the day when the girls (8 & 5) are at home. She stays up at night until 3 or 4 am writing or "building" her stories. Recently she started a facebook account and a blog. She posts very explicit stories (at least in my mind). She states it is her fantasy world but she has created contacts with porn director and porn stars on there. In addition she flirts online, she has kissed other men (on the cheek) with me present and ultimately has even insulted me in her blog and writings for not being open to her chosen path. I am somewhat to blame - I am not the most open minded person but this goes against my religion and such. Last week I broke down in front of her and asked what had I done wrong. She stated "I know you are looking for reassurance, but right now I cannot give you any." She even stated she may want to leave religion. Ultimately she is becoming a person I do not know. During the summer she made I statement - "I could not let my true self come out as I was afraid you would not want me anymore." That was the most hurtful thing she has ever said to me. I am having difficulties getting past it. Ultimately I feel like she deceived herself and myself. Back to erotica - it seems like an addiction at this time. Additionally she is experiencing a sexual awakening as she is not longer satisfied with our sex life (we usually made love/had sex 1-2x per week). She does not want that anymore....instead she wants to feel "raped" by me. She wants me to use household items on her (e.g. beer bottle). She wants ball gags, and leather straps. While I tried to spice things up I cannot bring myself to doing some of that. It is simply outside my comfort zone. She just seems to be a different person. I have consulted an attorney and while I am not ready to move forward I am very concerned. We are trying counseling but she is in denial. Her stance - "this is who I am and who I've always been". I wish she would have let me see her. I believe the Japanese say, May we live in interesting times. My wife who separated from me in August, just told me of her affair. She broke it off due to her religious feelings. She also told me she is submissive. Only can feel sexually fulfilled with pain and bondage. Now, how is that for a bombshell. At least yours hasn't cheated as of yet. The thing is, I'm a Christian too and was always taught that you never hurt a woman. She told me the same thing, that telling me of her true charactor she was afraid would have repulsed me. And she too is a Christian. Now you have a couple of decisions to make, either get with the program or cut bait. Let me say this. There is nothing biblically wrong with a D/s relationship. Mild S/M isn't an issue either. It is when consent is passed or a third party is included is when it crosses the line. And regarding pain, ever wake up the next day after a hot evening of love making with a bruise or sore genitals? Then you evidently have a liking for pain as well. The thing is the pain/pleasure area of the brain are next to each other and a fine line separates them. Your wife has found that crossing that line is fulfilling to her. Set down and have a heart to heart. Tell her you are willing to try this lifestyle but with ground rules. 1: protect the kids at all costs. It is hard to explain why mommy is tied up and naked with candle wax dripping off her nipples. 2: Tell her the erotic stories are fine as they are allowing her an outlet to express her sexual desires. Just have her email them to you. You might find writing a story together really a blast. She writes part and you add the next. Just not on the office computer. Again hard to explain to the boss. Third, the public venues which make you unconfortable, ask her if there is a way she can avoid them. I figure if she is willing to let you be her dom, the clubs won't be necessary. You have to be open minded but firm on the limits you possess. I can't do the humiliation or exhibition but have little trouble with a flog or static electricity games. And wax, the flickering flame against her skin is quite erotic. It requires great communication to do this, great understanding of each others character and an openess which will jump start your sex lives. Also just tell her that you still will crave vanilla sex. Tell her that it will free you up to better fulfill her with submissive games if your libedo is fulfilled. And you will find yourself yearning more for your minx than you ever imagined. I also strongly suggest you pick up books on D/s and BDSM. First of all it will show you that the people who do this are not freaks or condemed to hell. It is just a different approach to sexuality. Safe, sound and consentual is what they preach. It is an acquired practice. Don't knock it tell you try it. You might be surprised. Tying the wife up might just be the ticket to marrital bliss. Book I recommend is called, Screw the roses, give me the thorns." Best of luck.
hanging on for now Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Gosh. How "romantic." Nothing says "I love you darling" like feeling raped by your husband. She's plain nuts losttoerotica. What's next? Branding her with cattle irons and smashing her teeth out with a 10lb sledge hammer? She doesn't want raped. She wants the fellings of helplessness of being taken, controlled and had by another man. Some people just can't totally let go intimately. Being restrained either physically or mentally helps push that along. Rip off them clothes, tie her to the bed posts and fulfill that fantacy. People who want sex with the lights off, under the covers and once a month only in the missionary position are the ones who worry me.
hanging on for now Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Thanks all. Funny jokes aside (which are good) I'm concerned more so now. I found a private facebook page (her "pen name") and some postings are quite scary - even when the kids are around. She went to the bedroom and got herself off with some toy while the kids were plopped in front of the TV and she posted that on this facebook page!!! Then all her buddies were commenting. She posted a picture of a woman with milk running down her legs and some dude said "I guess I missed some" and she replied "yeah, usually you are more thorough than that". Unreal!!! I know I'm all over your threads and apologize. Fella you better hurry. She is moving on without you and possibly already has. Ask her to show you the true her, facebook pages, sex toys and all. It is the only way you are going to save your marriage.
hanging on for now Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Go to the concerts with her. Exactly, go with her
hanging on for now Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Your marriage is over. She is on a self destructive path and will bring you and your family down with her. It's up to you now to put a 100% stop to this. Do not allow any of her creepy behavior in your house. Take away computer use, throw away her toys etc.... Save your daughters. Kick her to the curb. You don't own her. And taking away privelleges will be used against you in a court of law. Plus it won't stop her. Compromise. Tell her what you can do. Tell her what you can't. And tell her what makes you nervous which will require her assistance to get you there. The first time my wife cried out in pain from me, I almost stopped. But that was the last thing she wanted. Afterwards she couldn't stop holding me and felt so loved for I was willing to do something that went against my character to satisfy her. Consider it like a school play. Pure hell but something we do for our children. You never know, maybe something about it will surprise you.
hanging on for now Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I am a very strong Christian man but I have to tell you... Churches have warped / confused people about what the bible has to say about sex. They seem to be more concerned about drilling into our head at an early age that sex is bad, dirty or dangerous. They do this with the hope that it will scare / prevent the person from having premarital sex. They go this route instead of just helping the person learn and understand what the bible really has to say about why / the benefits of waiting till marriage are. This creates an environment where sex is not to be discussed and God forbid if you actually are open, honest and admit the fact you desire or "lust" after your soon to be wife / husband. It also creates an environment where in a relationship (let's just assume it's husband and wife for the sake of the argument) they do not feel comfortable being 100% open and honest about what "does it for them" for fear of judgement from their spouse. I have been in countless bible studies with men where most if not all struggled with porn. Why? Because they could not live out or share their NORMAL RUN OF THE MILL "fantasies" with their wifes (the women that they loved). They were afraid that they were "wrong" or "sinning" because they didn't think they should feel / have those desires. Question: 1. Who made them that way and gave them that desire? 2. Which is worst, "sinning" by living out those desires with women other than their wife through porn? or "sinning" with the women they love under the sanctity of marriage? 3. As long as it is just between you and your wife and you both are okay with it... There are no RULES aside from what is listed in Leviticus. (I posted it below) Don't believe me? Tell me where in the bible what is okay to do while dating? Are you suppose to stop a first base, second base, third base? You cannot find a verse (aside from waiting to have sex until you are married) that will tell you otherwise. WHY? Because why might be a sin for you may not be a sin for others. So people are lead (by God) to stop a third base, second or first. Heck, I knew a couple that waited to kiss until they were married... Guess what... There was nothing wrong with them. But if they judged you for going to second base with your future wife... Was it a sin? Of course not! So the point it this... You and your church created an environment where your wife could not / did not feel comfortable being true to her God given sexual desires. Therefore she repressed them for this long and she cannot live the lie any more and is acting more like a high schooler than anything. (Although I think in time she will calm down.) If your wife (who you love and loves you) desires and wants you to TAKE IT FROM HER... Tell me where in the bible it says that is wrong? Where do you think that desire comes from? It's from God! Who are you to tell God that His creation is WRONG for having that desire? He gave that to them... Are you better than God? If your wife wants to stick a banana or a sex toy in any one of her holes... Tell me where in the bible it says that is wrong? Where do you think that desire comes from? It's from God! Who are you to tell God that His creation is WRONG for having that desire? He gave that to them... Are you better than God? There is NOTHING wrong with you and your wife living out each others sexual fantasies as long as it is between the two of you. God gave us this precious gift (SEX) that is to be SHARED and ENJOY between two people that love one another. She is wanting you to man up and meet her desires and needs... As long as it is between you and her, who gives a flip. If my wife got her jollies off of me wearing a diaper... I would much rather me be wearing it than her finding someone else that will. Get OVER YOURSELF! Stop being judgmental and part of the problem and focus on serving (the bible tells a man to serve his wife) your wife, who happens to love you. Think of it this way... you desire for her to be a wonderful wife and mother to your children don't you? Seems to be she has done an awesome job up to this point. If she wants you to spank her a55 or talk dirty to her or take it from her... I strongly suggest you do so. One, it's not wrong. Two, she wants you too and is communicating a desire and need out of LOVE and TRUST. Quit making her feel like a whore for being normal... She isn't! She is your loving, caring and nurturing wife! Is she a little overboard right now? Sure... Why don't you have unfulling sex for 10 years and see how you would behave and act for awhile. She will settle down in time... Be a MAN, BE A MAN OF GOD and ROCK YOUR WOMENS WORLD! You do that... your trust in one another will grow, your love for one another will grow! Let's not mention, that your kids will see the joys and the benefits of a what a vibrant, healthy and happy marriage are. Plus they see all the joys and benefits of waiting to be married before having sex too. The Rules according to the Bible: Leviticus 18: 6 - 23 6 “‘No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations. I am the LORD. 7 “‘Do not dishonor your father by having sexual relations with your mother. She is your mother; do not have relations with her. 8 “‘Do not have sexual relations with your father’s wife; that would dishonor your father. 9 “‘Do not have sexual relations with your sister, either your father’s daughter or your mother’s daughter, whether she was born in the same home or elsewhere. 10 “‘Do not have sexual relations with your son’s daughter or your daughter’s daughter; that would dishonor you. 11 “‘Do not have sexual relations with the daughter of your father’s wife, born to your father; she is your sister. 12 “‘Do not have sexual relations with your father’s sister; she is your father’s close relative. 13 “‘Do not have sexual relations with your mother’s sister, because she is your mother’s close relative. 14 “‘Do not dishonor your father’s brother by approaching his wife to have sexual relations; she is your aunt. 15 “‘Do not have sexual relations with your daughter-in-law. She is your son’s wife; do not have relations with her. 16 “‘Do not have sexual relations with your brother’s wife; that would dishonor your brother. 17 “‘Do not have sexual relations with both a woman and her daughter. Do not have sexual relations with either her son’s daughter or her daughter’s daughter; they are her close relatives. That is wickedness. 18 “‘Do not take your wife’s sister as a rival wife and have sexual relations with her while your wife is living. 19 “‘Do not approach a woman to have sexual relations during the uncleanness of her monthly period. 20 “‘Do not have sexual relations with your neighbor’s wife and defile yourself with her. 21 “‘Do not give any of your children to be sacrificed to Molek, for you must not profane the name of your God. I am the LORD. 22 “‘Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable. 23 “‘Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion. I couldn't agree more. To simplify it, don't commit adultry. After that if it is consentual, and doesn't include livestock, have at it. Whoever wrote this post has it figured out. Lock stock and barrell.
hanging on for now Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 "man up" to stick a broom handle in wife or go to a bondage club, watch her naked on stage while some chick spanks her with leather straps. That's not "manning up", that's just sick in my mind. Yeah, this is done. Here is what she posted on Sunday when she was making sugar cookies with the kids. I had to sprint upstairs to make sure she this was not serious and this was not a cookie she made. Omg! My snowman is poking Santa Claus in the ass with his broom and Santa is smiling! What a sick fk! Lmao! Mmmmm more wine! The club is a no. Acting it out in private, not so bad. I have my limits as well. Compromise. She might not believe you at first but if your actions show your willingness to try, she probably will let some of the stuff slide. Blind fold her and tell her you placed her in front of the window with the neighbors watching. She knows it isn't true so it isn't really lying. But it will allow her to be in a mind set of being exposed which is what she wants. Like the rape fantacy, she doesn't want raped either.
hanging on for now Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 What you need to do is to go ahead and get the divorce papers dawn up by a attorney and show them to her. Otherwise she will take into account your actions thus far and think you are making an empty threat. The papers can be destroyed if she wants to work things out, but this way she will have no choice but to see that your threats are not empty. Gather as much evidence as possible, it looks like you have access to her computer and her phone. Use them both, when she is in the bath or cooking or something, take her phone and copy all information, forward it if you can as well. For her computer, I suggest getting an external hard drive and backing the whole thing up that way you can go through it later when you have more time on your own computer. Once all information has been gathered, wait till she is out of the house, pack her a suitcase leave it out the door and get the door locks changed. Make it clear you will not be her door mat anymore and she is no longer welcome. There is another old saying. Don't pull a gun unless you are willing to use it. Divorce papers, costly and if shown, probably will get used. Be careful.
michaelhopes Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 (edited) There's another old saying.... -Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining- Losttoerotica is doing the right thing for himself and his daughters Edited January 10, 2011 by michaelhopes
whammy Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I believe the Japanese say, May we live in interesting times. My wife who separated from me in August, just told me of her affair. She broke it off due to her religious feelings. She also told me she is submissive. Only can feel sexually fulfilled with pain and bondage. Now, how is that for a bombshell. At least yours hasn't cheated as of yet. The thing is, I'm a Christian too and was always taught that you never hurt a woman. She told me the same thing, that telling me of her true charactor she was afraid would have repulsed me. And she too is a Christian. Now you have a couple of decisions to make, either get with the program or cut bait. Let me say this. There is nothing biblically wrong with a D/s relationship. Mild S/M isn't an issue either. It is when consent is passed or a third party is included is when it crosses the line. And regarding pain, ever wake up the next day after a hot evening of love making with a bruise or sore genitals? Then you evidently have a liking for pain as well. The thing is the pain/pleasure area of the brain are next to each other and a fine line separates them. Your wife has found that crossing that line is fulfilling to her. Set down and have a heart to heart. Tell her you are willing to try this lifestyle but with ground rules. 1: protect the kids at all costs. It is hard to explain why mommy is tied up and naked with candle wax dripping off her nipples. 2: Tell her the erotic stories are fine as they are allowing her an outlet to express her sexual desires. Just have her email them to you. You might find writing a story together really a blast. She writes part and you add the next. Just not on the office computer. Again hard to explain to the boss. Third, the public venues which make you unconfortable, ask her if there is a way she can avoid them. I figure if she is willing to let you be her dom, the clubs won't be necessary. You have to be open minded but firm on the limits you possess. I can't do the humiliation or exhibition but have little trouble with a flog or static electricity games. And wax, the flickering flame against her skin is quite erotic. It requires great communication to do this, great understanding of each others character and an openess which will jump start your sex lives. Also just tell her that you still will crave vanilla sex. Tell her that it will free you up to better fulfill her with submissive games if your libedo is fulfilled. And you will find yourself yearning more for your minx than you ever imagined. I also strongly suggest you pick up books on D/s and BDSM. First of all it will show you that the people who do this are not freaks or condemed to hell. It is just a different approach to sexuality. Safe, sound and consentual is what they preach. It is an acquired practice. Don't knock it tell you try it. You might be surprised. Tying the wife up might just be the ticket to marrital bliss. Book I recommend is called, Screw the roses, give me the thorns." Best of luck. i kind of agree. when you wade through all the complicated stuff in this situation. there only one REAL problem. its not the erotica, the not the sexual fantasies, its not the bondage..it that fact she is doing this with other people... and more specifically in this bondage world, for every wife and mother there are 100 real scumbags that are truly dangerous.
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