Losing my wife to change

[controlledchaos]

i wanted to respond to you last night, but after my super long post the computer ate it and i was too tired to retype it all.

 

of course now there is so much more on this thread. i have been married for 10 yrs, in the relationship for 15 yrs. i liked trying new things in sex. i'd see something in a movie and i'd want to do it, try it out. my H never said no, never rejected my fantasies and desires. a couple years in ( maybe 2) he stopped being adventurous. heck, he wouldn't even french kiss me anymore. it was pretty crushing. i hadn't changed at all, but apparently now french kissing was gross and sex anywhere but bed was not in the cards anymore.

 

i expressed my desires for years. but, he was usually more interested in his hands and porn than what i was offering him. he even bought male "toys" at one point a couple years ago, when i was gone for 2 weeks. i was upset because he wouldn't have sex with me, but as soon as i was gone he was buying fake girlie parts to use, like 4 of them. i got home from vacation and found them out in the open in my bathroom, used. my girls could've walked in and found them instead of me. i was upset about that.

 

i was upset too that i wasn't good enough to him, but he wouldn't even try to initiate anything9/10 times. i had to initiate sex. and on the times he did initiate he didn't ask to spice things up. we'd often go MONTHS without even with me bring it up more frequently.

 

however, once he stated i should take the kids and leave i found myself looking for something, and found light erotica myself. we hadn't had sex in like 4 months at that point. and i was supposed to be moving out in like 2 months. i found it online and i liked reading it. it brought back loads of memories of what i had been like. he HATED me reading it.

 

i will say that in the process of having him tell me he didn't love me and couldn't remember the last time he had, and him hiring a divorce attorney, etc. i had some sort of sexual awakening. not like your wife at all. more like i wanted to take control of my sexuality back. it had been repressed and surpressed for so long. i had offered to take pics of myself for him. and became interested in that type of photography. i had some piercings and ink done. to which i basically got from him " you're a slut and a whore" comments for months.

 

after we were no longer living together i bought myself some toys ( first time in my entire life) and he knew because he has been spying on me for almost 2 yrs. so, during our marriage counseling session #2 he told the counselor that i had done that. he told the counselor about my piercings and what not. about the books i was reading, etc. basically the counselor said that i was pretty normal. especially after being pushed away for so long.

 

HOWEVER!!!!! i never in a million years would ever dream of doing half the things your wife is thinking of or is doing. i would never post the things she's posting. i would never make those comments to others or take pics like that for people to see. i would never ask my H to be ok with those choices unless he was the ONLY one involved. i so desperately wanted my husband to want me the way i wanted him. i offered to do strip teases for him, and make a file of dirty pics. basically he said, " i don't see what good any of that would do." but acting like your wife is just so above and beyond anything i could imagine.

 

i think a lot of this boils down to respect. if she respects you and your marriage she won't seek out these things if she knows it means the end of you two. and if she cannot stop, then she doesn't respect you. and i'm not sure how marriage works without respect. i know mine certainly has not. not in the least bit.

 

i wish you the best of luck in this. i hope that she has some sort of wake up call. those girls deserve so much better than being dragged into some sexual craziness that your wife is creating. i can see some sexual liberation, but NOTHING even close to the level your wife is at. NOTHING!!!

[Steadfast]

Quit wasting time doing nothing and take action. Collect all the evidence you can; capture her FB screen posts, secure witnesses, keep a journal. Then, call the police and use them as a witness in your home when you explain that her behavior must change or you'll ask her to leave. If she refuses, take the children to another location. Be sure to tell her where, if you don't that's kidnapping. File for legal separation and gain temporary custody of the kids.

 

When the dust settles regain control. If she pulls away, pull away harder in the opposite direction. Never beg, plead or reason. Except for the kids and financial issues, leave her alone and do not contact her. It is time to take action, be a responsible adult and end the sickness. Accept no more of it.

[dk.bnz.chi]

how is she otherwise as a person when she's with the kids and when she's not in uber-erotic mood?

how does she behave towards you?

it might be a uncontrolled hormonal explosion of suppressed past feelings

we all know what hormones do to women,sometimes you just wanna run for the hills

[habs53]

Quit wasting time doing nothing and take action. Collect all the evidence you can; capture her FB screen posts, secure witnesses, keep a journal. Then, call the police and use them as a witness in your home when you explain that her behavior must change or you'll ask her to leave. If she refuses, take the children to another location. Be sure to tell her where, if you don't that's kidnapping. File for legal separation and gain temporary custody of the kids.

 

When the dust settles regain control. If she pulls away, pull away harder in the opposite direction. Never beg, plead or reason. Except for the kids and financial issues, leave her alone and do not contact her. It is time to take action, be a responsible adult and end the sickness. Accept no more of it.

I would have to agree with everything posted here. Seems to me your wife is gone. The hanging out with her friend, men online ect ect ect. Time to move on. All classic signs she is about to go anyways. The best part of this is that she will probably try to blame you for all her troubles. Do not put up with her BS.

[collegeguy_24]

Quit wasting time doing nothing and take action. Collect all the evidence you can; capture her FB screen posts, secure witnesses, keep a journal. Then, call the police and use them as a witness in your home when you explain that her behavior must change or you'll ask her to leave. If she refuses, take the children to another location. Be sure to tell her where, if you don't that's kidnapping. File for legal separation and gain temporary custody of the kids.

 

When the dust settles regain control. If she pulls away, pull away harder in the opposite direction. Never beg, plead or reason. Except for the kids and financial issues, leave her alone and do not contact her. It is time to take action, be a responsible adult and end the sickness. Accept no more of it.

 

 

I agree with most of this, the one thing I disagree with is you leaving. You should kick her out of the house, tell her to go to her parents, friends, etc. Don't let her stay, it is your home, not hers anymore.

[losttoerotica]

I will be meeting with my attorney on Friday morning to devise a legal strategy. This is very sad. But she's giving me little choice.

[YellowShark]

I will be meeting with my attorney on Friday morning to devise a legal strategy. This is very sad. But she's giving me little choice.

 

It is very sad. I normally would ask a couple to seek counseling before thinking of ending a marriage but in this case - (from what you've wrote) - it really seems she is determined to follow her desires with or without you.

 

1) She has become a different woman than you married.

2) She is stepping outside of your marriage with other parties online.

3) And she is engaging in hard-core "kink" during the hours that she is responsible for watching your children.

 

Do not blame yourself losttoerotica, she is going down a path that you cannot follow. She has forced your hand since she refuses to respect the boundaries you require.

[losttoerotica]

Thank you all for your advice and support. Yesterday i reviewed the screen shots from the tracking software I loaded on her computer last Thursday. What I found and discovered has saddened me, concerned me and angered me as well.

 

- She interacts with several men at one time in flirtatious and sexual conversations. In fact, one guy posted a picture and she told him a story as to how she would "fk" him....sliding down, etc. Very explicit.

 

- Another man she told him "I'm married - for now; does that bother you?"

 

- She has hooked up with person who will help her explore bondage more deeply in the city in which we live.

 

- One day she posted the kids came in saying they were "starving" and she kept chatting for 30 minutes after that!!! She does this at all times of the day.

 

- She has pictures of her cleavage, ass and even her face out there for all to see.

 

- She claims she is unhappy in her current life where she has to conform to what it is.

 

- Two days ago, she got herself off 15 times and commented to some guy her clit was sore.

 

It is over. I am filing for divorce ASAP. She's had her posh life for a long time. She may get half of everything but it may the best money I will ever spend in my life. I am asking for 100% custody of the kids. Her toys are kept under her sink and one of my girls could just get curious and see that.

 

No....this ends now.

[iheartboobs]

Damn, guy. It's about time to change your user name to "Bad Mother ****er", ain't it?

 

Seriously, reading your attitude concerning this whole situation is a joy and a wonder. You are not afraid to stand up for what you believe is right and you refuse to back down. Well ****ing done!

[collegeguy_24]

Ok my friend, the game is now on. Here is what you need to do ASAP:

 

-Get a bulldog attorney, the meanest, baddest, most highly successful Mother****er you can afford.

 

-Take everything you have and expose her to friends, family, everyone.

 

-Wait till she leaves the house, when she is gone, pack one or two suitcases of HER clothes, put them on the front porch, and change the locks to the front and back door as quickly as possible.

 

-Leave a note on the door that says its over.

 

-Cancel any and all credit cards, close banks accounts, anything that is joint between you and her. Leave her with nothing!

 

I can bet that she will do the same to you, so you must fire first and make it an epic blow.

 

This is now a war!

 

Now for my gentler side, for your kids sake.

 

depending on how old they are, I suggest you lie to them. Tell them that mommy went away for a while to stay with family and friends.

 

Even if you and your soon to be ex are now at war, and by the looks a soon to be nasty one, you must be as gentle with the children as possible.

[I_am_who_I_am]

First of all. What do you think will hold up in court? You think the invasion of privacy that your doing by snooping and recording what she is doing online is going to hold up in court! HECK NO it isn't. It against the law. Just like those recorders on the phone that tell you that your conversation is being recorded. It says that for a reason! And so what, what does the court care if she is into kink. That is irrelevant. Maybe the fact that she is doing some things while the kids are in her care. But that could only be justified maybe by leaving them unattended and something bad happened. And you can not get 100% custody. She is not abusive to them and still..you would have to file a DVI against her if she was abusive. Anytime a parent is able to be a parent the courts will go with that. And a DVI would not even be a permanent thing anyway. And everyone telling you to "leave a note, pack her bags and send her on her way" WTF is that. Grow up people! But be a man, 2 wrongs don't make a right. Just because you don't think she is playing fair does not mean you need to do the same. You know, people in relationships do repress themselves for fear of being unwanted. It's a sad thing, but it happens a lot of the time. Be real people. It seems to me that she was repressed. In her mind i'm sure she did not feel open enough to tell you her wants and desires. And see, you don't like them anyway, right? Each to there own I say. It looks like you 2 have not grown together but grown apart. Too bad she didn't let you in on her fetishes way back when. But what would have happened. well that is irrelevant now anyway. Just like she says, she is who she is..sounds like my user name..lol..If she feels strongly about what she wants and your not willing to accept it(which is fine) and she is not willing to change then you do need to go your separate ways. Don't be someone your not and don't make changes for someone that is so far out of your concept of what you want out of life. Because eventually, it will bite you in the ass. Another thing, if you try to give her an ultimatum, it will definitely make her act out even more. Just like telling a kid no. they will likely still do it. Good luck in your endeavor with your wife and hopefully you both come out in the end amicable for the kids sake.

Edited December 16, 2010 by I_am_who_I_am

[losttoerotica]

Thanks. FYI - "snooping" and recording is not admissible in a criminal trial. Divorce is a civil procedure. Spending time in front of a computer or getting herself off 15 times a day while the kids are present can be constituted as "neglect".

[I_am_who_I_am]

http://news.cnet.com/Court-Wife-broke-law-with-spyware/2100-1030_3-5577979.html

 

http://billpstudios.blogspot.com/2008/01/ex-husband-gets-jail-time-for-keylogger.html

[hopesndreams]

This thread reminds me of a movie starring Maria Bello, it's called "Downloading Nancy".

 

Your W needs a good shrink.

[controlledchaos]

i had a class on custody stuff, and honestly i don't think either will matter in court. if an abusive spouse can still get half custody then i'm pretty sure a stay at home mom who spends time online and getting herself off can too.

 

we were told that it's very very hard to get full custody of kids. like you have to be a crazy drug addicted abusive absent parent to lose custody of your kids. she'd have to WALK away from them for good, i think, for you to get full custody.

 

i hate to say this, but most stay at home moms i know are infront of computers these days. not doing what your wife is necessarily. but they're definitely on the computer. it's not what you want to hear, but i don't think it's all that relevant either. my laptop is in the kitchen where me and my kids spend most of our day. it's turned on pretty much all day long. and i believe i am FAR from an unfit mother. i homeschool 5 kids, and i do check forums, or google stuff ( sometimes for me and sometimes for school). my kids are not neglected or unattended. and yeah, sometimes meal times come late and my kids say they are starving and they ate like 45 min earlier. it really is all relative.

 

i really am so sorry you're going through all this! it's sad that you both ended up on such different paths. :-(

[michaelhopes]

Stay calm, collected and play your cards right.....

Dont do anything crazy....your daughters need you regardless of the divorce outcome. They will know Dad is right and Mom is sick.

 

At the same time dont let anyone in this thread sugar coat the situation....It doesnt matter if your wife is repressed, if she needs a good shrink, or she's on a different path. Your wife is sick and playing in a very sick and twisted world.

 

Your daughters have the most to lose.

Possibly their lives.....

Good luck

Edited December 17, 2010 by michaelhopes

[losttoerotica]

All - thanks for your advice and support. It is nice to know that anonymous posters on the internet are helpful and willing to provide this. I have discovered even more information and am moving forward to protect my girls and myself as best I can. It is sad, yet I look forward to what life may bring.

 

Again. Thank you very much.

[dk.bnz.chi]

keep us updated,

all the best wishes go out to you and your kids

[losttoerotica]

Through more research I found that she met a guy a week ago Thursday. He will "mentor" her is BSDM. I also found out she is going to meet him tomorrow at around 3 PM. She lied to me telling me she is going to go see a friend. Unfortunately this will not hold up in court but just speaks more to her integrity. This is truly unfortunate. I know getting 100% is nearly impossible but the plan is this -

 

1. Seek 100% custody with supervised visitation rights pending a psycho-sexual analysis

2. No child support (obviously)

3. No alimony on the grounds I have the kids

4. I keep all my pre-marital money

 

I'm probably one of the nicest people anyone would ever meet.....but this has gone on far enough. Targeting Wednesday for getting her papers. I know X-mas will suck but I will take the high road for my kids.

 

I am just caught in a total nightmare!!!!

[collegeguy_24]

We are here for you man. We are your support network so if you need advice or need to vent, just come here. We will listen.

 

I am truly sorry this has the happen right before christmas and I'm sorry for your situation. I wish you the best of luck, and no matter what, even if its only for the sake of your kids, try to give them as good a Christmas as possible, they, and you, will need that moment of joy to shine through the clouds of darkness.

[Eye of Hourus]

Lost if she is meeting up with the BDSM "Mentor" (DOM) get her followed, you may get some pretty good evidence. On the other hand if this dude is some kind of wack job you may end up saving your wife's life.....

 

I found the following quote on BDSM mentoring -

 

"There are many different kinds of Mentors. A Mentor does not have any intimate erotic encounters, BDSM "teaching sessions" or sex with the person they are mentoring. At the very most they may describe a BDSM impliment that a Submissive has a question about. It is all rather business like and matter of fact. A Mentor would never demonstrate a BDSM impliment on the person they are mentoring............ and then goes on to say -

 

"Now... Here is the example of "training" and/or mentoring that no one should ever confuse the above mentioned with: A Dominant training/mentoring/guiding their own Submissive whom most likely will belong to them one day... And even if they already do belong to them "trainings" most often continue during the Union or Ownership. "

 

The online BDSM world is full of weirdos at least find out where she is going at 3. If you can't get a PI can you get a friend to check on her.... I don't agree with what she is doing but if she is into the "submissive" side of BDSM perhaps you could become her DOM.

 

The Eye

 

"Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac." - Henry Kissinger

[controlledchaos]

i really am soo soo sorry you're going through this. i'm sure it's a huge punch in the gut to know that this is the woman you married and had kids with.

 

i wish there was an "easy " button to push to let you have full custody of the kids. maybe where you are it will be easier for you. here where i am, it's just not easy. i was told the spouse had to be pretty far gone to even be reduced to supervised visitation. like child abuse bad. and as long as they weren't abusing the kids and weren't on drugs or in jail they would more than likely get UNsupervised visitation. i know you want to protect them. i know you do. i can hear it in your posts how much you love them and want to keep them safe.

 

i'm all for a bit of sexual liberation once we're married and older. but your wife has taken that WAY too far. she's gone off the deep end for sure. if she wanted that lifestyle she never should've gotten married nor had kids. it's just a shame that you all are left in her aftermath. she's destroying a family and she doesn't appear to care AT ALL!!! and for that i do think she's insane!

 

take care of yourself. your girls need you to be strong for them! ((HUGS))

[losttoerotica]

Thanks. My attorney already told me I won't get 100% custody, BUT, that does not mean I cannot ask for it.

 

Thanks guys. Yes....xmas will be difficult. BUT, I will take the high road. unfortunately the attorney is right. If I "sit" on this until after the holidays the court will question why I did not act right away.

 

Tomorrow is scary. I've lost love for my wife, but I still care. I hope she will be fine. PI is on the case though so that is good.

[Eye of Hourus]

Good Luck Lost,

 

Good to hear you have someone watching. Look after yourself and the the little ones.

 

The Eye

 

In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man's torments. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Edited December 19, 2010 by Eye of Hourus
Brevity

[losttoerotica]

Just got a call from the PI. She in with another man....in his mobile home.

Just need support guys....all the support. I know we are all anonymous here, but I just need some encouraging words.