mm just out of an affair

December 8, 2010

I agree with Spice, eat the chicken and spit out the bones. I have to say Spice, I am so sorry you have not been able to communicate your entire story freely, another poster (in this thread I think) said the same thing. There were times I hid in the threads also (the really long ones) to say what was needed, and still do that.
...

Thanks pureinheart. You know what's funny? While posting here I discovered that I'm more comfortable assisting others than dealing with my own stuff. That is definitely going to be a topic of conversation in my next IC session...lol. maybe one day I will summon up the courage to post my story and allow others to help me. To me, that such a novel idea!

I've followed your story, pure, and I really feel for you. After all that time and effort you put into the relationship and it didn't work out?! It must have been devastating! my thoughts are with you for sure. I cannot imagine what it must be like to love someone, stick with them thru thick and thin and when they are finally free it ends??? Super OUCH! Feel free to pm me anytime you want.

Sorry for the thread jack tigers...carry on.

Edited December 8, 2010 by spice4life

December 8, 2010

so what brings you to this forum if that ok to ask?

I'm an x-BS, decided to stick around.

December 8, 2010

Hi- there are a few things here I don't get. You say the OW has gone- where exactly has she gone? I get she has initiated NC but I assume you still have some means of contacting her. You say you love the OW but it seems like you have let her go. I am not saying you should pursue her but kind of wonder a little why you haven't if you are in love with her. Another thing I don't get is what you said to the OW in the eighteen months. Did you repeatedly promise to be with her? It is a long time to be with someone and I suspect the OW hung on as long as she could but the lack of action on your part meant she could take no more. I know how this feels as I am fourteen months in and lack of action has now pushed me to the edge. I can't take any more and I bet she must of felt like that too. It reads a bit like she suddenly quit on you after eighteen months but the fact she stuck around all that time shows she did believe in you but the situation possibly broke her. Being an OW is awful, not knowing where you stand and living on words and no actions. Nobody can stay like that forever. I feel you have left the OW for dead, given up on her. I don't know what to say to you other than you must make decisions. You need to decide if your marriage is what you want. If you don't love your W then you have to tell her. Let her know and tell her why. Your W then can make a decision about what she wants too. It may be to save the marriage or it may not but I think you should tell your W and let her have her choices too.

December 8, 2010

Hi tigers, sorry you're feeling this way. I am an xOW. well, it's only been a week since xMM and I started NC so I still feel a bit like an OW...

I am only speaking from my perspective. You seem to be in a very similar head space to my xMM. he is as confused and messed up as ever. Normally strong and steadfast, he's like complete jelly right now. he is seeking IC to help him deal with it all.

I think the only way you can make a decision for yourself is to have some distance and time and space – from your W as well as from OW. How about staying on your own for a couple of months after the Xmas. Keep seeing the kids, see a counsellor for yourself, tell your W there is some stuff you need to deal with, and that you will tell her in time, but right now you need space? Without space and a clear head and with fog, you cannot make a decision right now. You need to deal with YOU before you can deal with your marriage I feel.

As with OW, this is the risk you will just have to take. She may or may not be there when you're ready (that is if you leave). That's just the way it is unfortunately. If you guys really had such a great connection and all, that does not disappear overnight either. I have heard of people putting relationships on hold and a year or so later they get back together. Who knows what is going to happen but you are no good to her now.

As with telling your wife, I don't know. I have never been in that situation so can't say. I think tho', if my H was going to leave, then I'd rather not know about the affair. And if you're going to work on your marriage, be prepared it's going to be a very long journey and you don't know the outcome.

my xMM confessed to his affair over 10 years ago and they managed to make it work, but only for 2-3 years after. So every M is different.

All the best.

December 8, 2010

Hi- there are a few things here I don't get. You say the OW has gone- where exactly has she gone? I get she has initiated NC but I assume you still have some means of contacting her. You say you love the OW but it seems like you have let her go. I am not saying you should pursue her but kind of wonder a little why you haven't if you are in love with her. Another thing I don't get is what you said to the OW in the eighteen months. Did you repeatedly promise to be with her? It is a long time to be with someone and I suspect the OW hung on as long as she could but the lack of action on your part meant she could take no more. I know how this feels as I am fourteen months in and lack of action has now pushed me to the edge. I can't take any more and I bet she must of felt like that too. It reads a bit like she suddenly quit on you after eighteen months but the fact she stuck around all that time shows she did believe in you but the situation possibly broke her. Being an OW is awful, not knowing where you stand and living on words and no actions. Nobody can stay like that forever. I feel you have left the OW for dead, given up on her. I don't know what to say to you other than you must make decisions. You need to decide if your marriage is what you want. If you don't love your W then you have to tell her. Let her know and tell her why. Your W then can make a decision about what she wants too. It may be to save the marriage or it may not but I think you should tell your W and let her have her choices too.

hi , when i say gone yes i mean total nc with 3 weeks now , we "officially" broke up about 3 weeks before that and i did plead and chase and beg her , all that just made her more determined , yes i could ring , text or mail her , face book , the lot now this instant but she would nt answer and i d just feel like total crap again , she was into me in a big way while together , now i just dont know, in our breakup talk she said things like always love you , greatest love , no idea how much i love you , soulmate , all that kind of stuff, but she still wanted to break up, her conscience over the A was really killing her at this stage , she also didnt want me to leave just for her , she said she was entitled to a normal rel , i really took it bad , for a long time into the affair i never promised i would leave until the last few months when i did say i would , she didnt really believe me i dont think but i would have done with more time , that is very selfish i know , tell me for an ow how long is long enough for your mm to leave his wife ..???? please ask me more , i came here to talk to people like you

December 8, 2010

No what's nasty is trying to dupe people to push an agenda especially when there are a lot of posters trying to offer some heartfelt genuine advice and using a veteran status sickens me.

Kind of backfired though because no one is fighting for the marriage. They all want him to leave so now what? Oh yea accuse posters giving genuine advice of bashing and being harsh when they are offering their honest opinion.

I was commenting on the fact that you were picking on him about his grammar and spelling. He has said that he can only use one hand to type and never claimed to be a Rhode Scholar. It was unnecessary and had nothing to do whatsoever with the thread...

December 8, 2010

Hi tigers, sorry you're feeling this way. I am an xOW. well, it's only been a week since xMM and I started NC so I still feel a bit like an OW...

I am only speaking from my perspective. You seem to be in a very similar head space to my xMM. he is as confused and messed up as ever. Normally strong and steadfast, he's like complete jelly right now. he is seeking IC to help him deal with it all.

I think the only way you can make a decision for yourself is to have some distance and time and space – from your W as well as from OW. How about staying on your own for a couple of months after the Xmas. Keep seeing the kids, see a counsellor for yourself, tell your W there is some stuff you need to deal with, and that you will tell her in time, but right now you need space? Without space and a clear head and with fog, you cannot make a decision right now. You need to deal with YOU before you can deal with your marriage I feel.

As with OW, this is the risk you will just have to take. She may or may not be there when you're ready (that is if you leave). That's just the way it is unfortunately. If you guys really had such a great connection and all, that does not disappear overnight either. I have heard of people putting relationships on hold and a year or so later they get back together. Who knows what is going to happen but you are no good to her now.

As with telling your wife, I don't know. I have never been in that situation so can't say. I think tho', if my H was going to leave, then I'd rather not know about the affair. And if you're going to work on your marriage, be prepared it's going to be a very long journey and you don't know the outcome.

my xMM confessed to his affair over 10 years ago and they managed to make it work, but only for 2-3 years after. So every M is different.

All the best.

hi . thanks for posting , ow did say when she left that if our thing is for real it will last year or so ( tho some one here laughed into my face at that other night) she like most here wants me to deal with my own crap and my marriage and that only possible with her out of the picture , she knew i still had lot guilt over wife and kids still and at 18 months together it was time to move the rel on or call it a day ... that said if i had left my wife 6 months earlier she would have been thrilled but now she did nt want to be responsible for splitting up a family

December 8, 2010

No what's nasty is trying to dupe people to push an agenda especially when there are a lot of posters trying to offer some heartfelt genuine advice and using a veteran status sickens me.

Kind of backfired though because no one is fighting for the marriage. They all want him to leave so now what? Oh yea accuse posters giving genuine advice of bashing and being harsh when they are offering their honest opinion.

explain the vetern status remark .. i had no intention of revealing that , but when my backbone was brought in to question i took it personal and felt compelled to mention it to redeem myself some how . you have had a bee in your bonnet for me from day one here anyway . and it does seem you have a nasty streak , who am i trying to dupe here ??

December 8, 2010

I was commenting on the fact that you were picking on him about his grammar and spelling. He has said that he can only use one hand to type and never claimed to be a Rhode Scholar. It was unnecessary and had nothing to do whatsoever with the thread...

No not at all. I would never critique spelling and punctuation errors. People often make quick typing errors. That was actually in reference to I think this is actually a regular poster on the ow/om forum trying to hide their writing style and make it unique to be someone they are not.

Now tigers is using multiple ??????!!!!!!! marks and also instead of ,,, or... he is doing , for his style. I don't think the author has a consistant writing style nor do I think he has really given us any information from the heart at all. Nada nothing. Nothing about how he feels about leaving his kids, wife, family, nothing about how absent of a father he may have been because of work etc etc. Just simple affair facts/myths. I love my ow. I don't sleep with my wife, I don't have sex with my wife etc etc nothing whatsoever has been heartfelt in this post as compared to a post by an mm that he has been asked to read multiple times and yet still has not made a single comment on it.

Edited December 8, 2010 by greengoddess

December 8, 2010

No not at all. I would never critique spelling and punctuation errors. People often make quick typing errors. That was actually in reference to I think this is actually a regular poster on the ow/om forum trying to hide their writing style and make it unique to be someone they are not.

Now tigers is using multiple ??????!!!!!!! marks and also instead of ,,, or... he is doing , for his style. I don't think the author has a consistant writing style nor do I think he has really given us any information from the heart at all. Nada nothing. Nothing about how he feels about leaving his kids, wife, family, nothing about how absent of a father he may have been because of work etc etc. Just simple affair facts/myths. I love my ow. I don't sleep with my wife, I don't have sex with my wife etc etc nothing whatsoever has been heartfelt in this post as compared to a post by an mm that he has been asked to read multiple times and yet still has not made a single comment on it.

i dont get this ,, what you trying to say ??

December 8, 2010

I actually see a lot of my writing style. I often use ... and multiple ??? !!!'s. I also often use "quotations" and when I am posting from my ipad I often do not capitalize things.

The overuse of all punctuation marks is really interesting because they are overused throughout and then no periods at the end of a sentence

Edited December 8, 2010 by greengoddess

December 9, 2010

hi , when i say gone yes i mean total nc with 3 weeks now , we "officially" broke up about 3 weeks before that and i did plead and chase and beg her , all that just made her more determined , yes i could ring , text or mail her , face book , the lot now this instant but she would nt answer and i d just feel like total crap again , she was into me in a big way while together , now i just dont know, in our breakup talk she said things like always love you , greatest love , no idea how much i love you , soulmate , all that kind of stuff, but she still wanted to break up, her conscience over the A was really killing her at this stage , she also didnt want me to leave just for her , she said she was entitled to a normal rel , i really took it bad , for a long time into the affair i never promised i would leave until the last few months when i did say i would , she didnt really believe me i dont think but i would have done with more time , that is very selfish i know , tell me for an ow how long is long enough for your mm to leave his wife ..???? please ask me more , i came here to talk to people like you

Basically, your xOW was saying to you that she was no longer willing to be the OW anymore. She has said everything she could to convince you that she loves you immensely, but she's not willing to sacrifice her values over this because she has done enough of that already. The bottom line is that if you truly want to be with her, you'll do what it takes to make that happen. If you don't, then you're still too entangled in your marriage and xOW will move on to someone new someday without wasting years of her life on a married man.

As far as how long is too long, that's a tough question. Most OW don't want to be the OW so they're usually going to have a short timeline. But there are plenty of OW who stick around for years. It's not about the level of love that she has for the MM, though, it has more to do with her threashold for pain or her level of self-respect.

You found a prize woman. She's not going to stick around and nag you and tell you what you need to do. She's leaving it up to you. That says a lot about her character. It's up to you to decide what to do about it.

December 9, 2010

Thanks pureinheart. You know what's funny? While posting here I discovered that I'm more comfortable assisting others than dealing with my own stuff. That is definitely going to be a topic of conversation in my next IC session...lol. maybe one day I will summon up the courage to post my story and allow others to help me. To me, that such a novel idea!

I've followed your story, pure, and I really feel for you. After all that time and effort you put into the relationship and it didn't work out?! It must have been devastating! my thoughts are with you for sure. I cannot imagine what it must be like to love someone, stick with them thru thick and thin and when they are finally free it ends??? Super OUCH! Feel free to pm me anytime you want.

Sorry for the thread jack tigers...carry on.

Maybe you won't even need to post your story in the light of needing assistance, but to give assistance...maybe by helping others your own situation will be healed...that is my hope for you. Thank you Spice, I will pm you...you can see right though me lol...

Tigers, I've been calling you Tiger...I see what I want to most of the time and miss a lot!

Angels post priddy much sums it up as to your OW's departure...for me, I hated to see exDM torn the way he was, and I don't play well with others anyways...it was hard for me to share my toys, I was an only child you know:) (just trying to lighten up the board, not making light of my situation or yours).

December 9, 2010

Just my two-cents worth but I think this is a BAD idea. It's a never-ending debate on this site but I'll just say that telling your wife will have unbelievable repercussions; and once the words are out, you can't take them back. I hope you think long and hard about this before you say anything. If there's any chance that you can restore some sanity and feelings in your marriage, then do that. On the flip side, though, maybe your wife does deserve a dose of reality so that she will figure out that couples who don't sleep together find new partners. It's your call - I just hope you don't do something you later regret.

I struggle with this every day. I've always told my H EVERYTHING, hell, he even knows of the MM and some of our conversations, he just assumes that MM is a friend and not anything more. I really do want to tell him what I've done, how I've taken the trust of our relationship and trampled it, but I believe that this will help me deal with my guilt more than it will help him. It will devastate him, and for what? I hope to move past the A and learn from it, not repeat the performance, and rededicate myself to my H and our M. The guilt is sort of like my punishment for being such a fool - some guy flirts w/me, showers me w/attention, and I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. I need to look myself in the mirror every day and deal with those issues. My H does not.

December 9, 2010

I struggle with this every day. I've always told my H EVERYTHING, hell, he even knows of the MM and some of our conversations, he just assumes that MM is a friend and not anything more. I really do want to tell him what I've done, how I've taken the trust of our relationship and trampled it, but I believe that this will help me deal with my guilt more than it will help him. It will devastate him, and for what? I hope to move past the A and learn from it, not repeat the performance, and rededicate myself to my H and our M. The guilt is sort of like my punishment for being such a fool - some guy flirts w/me, showers me w/attention, and I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. I need to look myself in the mirror every day and deal with those issues. My H does not.

The bolded stuck out like a zit on end of your nose. For What?

1)the ability to make choices about his own life.

2)you HOPE...you won't cheat on him again. After you believe you gotten away with it one and some other young thing comes along making you feel like a "kid" again...you will do the same thing.

3)guilt isn't your punishment, if it were you wouldn't still be in the affair talking about you don't think you want to end it.

4)What have you been avoiding mirrors the whole time you were in the affair? Didn't you look in them to fix yourself up in preparation for seeing OM? Your reflection in a mirror isn't what needs to be examined...it's your soul, lack of integrity and behavior of immaturity.

5)you cover because you don't want to deal with his feelings, his pain, his doubts about you and his marriage. That is the cowards way out.

Edited December 9, 2010 by bentnotbroken

December 9, 2010

I struggle with this every day. I've always told my H EVERYTHING, hell, he even knows of the MM and some of our conversations, he just assumes that MM is a friend and not anything more. I really do want to tell him what I've done, how I've taken the trust of our relationship and trampled it, but I believe that this will help me deal with my guilt more than it will help him. It will devastate him, and for what? I hope to move past the A and learn from it, not repeat the performance, and rededicate myself to my H and our M. The guilt is sort of like my punishment for being such a fool - some guy flirts w/me, showers me w/attention, and I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. I need to look myself in the mirror every day and deal with those issues. My H does not.

Foolish1018, I am starting to agree with this. If you have decided to rededicate to your marriage and have no desire to ever cheat again, then don't tell him. I guess the only people that should tell are the serial cheaters who are in need of serious help. Telling forces them to deal with their problems honestly and get help. If the A was a one time thing then you shouldn't tell. People make mistakes and if you learned from it and don't do it again, then that is all that matters.

Tigers1970, I've changed my stance on this as you can see. Do not tell your wife regardless of what you choose. Unless you are a serial cheater of course - then definitely tell and seek counseling because that's a problem you bring with you into each relationship. I don't get the impression that you are though.

Edited December 9, 2010 by spice4life

December 9, 2010

I struggle with this every day. I've always told my H EVERYTHING, hell, he even knows of the MM and some of our conversations, he just assumes that MM is a friend and not anything more. I really do want to tell him what I've done, how I've taken the trust of our relationship and trampled it, but I believe that this will help me deal with my guilt more than it will help him. It will devastate him, and for what? I hope to move past the A and learn from it, not repeat the performance, and rededicate myself to my H and our M. The guilt is sort of like my punishment for being such a fool - some guy flirts w/me, showers me w/attention, and I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. I need to look myself in the mirror every day and deal with those issues. My H does not.

I would personally rather not know that my spouse cheated - particularly if he wanted to stay with me and promised himself that he'd never do that again. If I were married to a serial cheater, that's a different thing. If I were married to someone who planned to leave me for the OW, I still wouldn't want to know about it. This is an almost intolerable level of pain. Some people even commit suicide over it. Who wants to be responsible for that?

And, yes, I already know there are going to be arguments about how they should've thought of that before they had the affair but usually people starting affairs seriously don't think about the implications, or they think it won't matter because they're going to leave the marriage anyway. It's only later that a different reality sets in. At that point, do you tell? I say it's a bad idea. And telling your spouse out of guilt is the worst reason ever. Just learn from it and move on.

Edited December 9, 2010 by Angel1111

December 9, 2010

I would personally rather not know that my spouse cheated - particularly if he wanted to stay with me and promised himself that he'd never do that again. If I were married to a serial cheater, that's a different thing. If I were married to someone who planned to leave me for the OW, I still wouldn't want to know about it. This is an almost intolerable level of pain. Some people even commit suicide over it. Who wants to do be responsible for that?

And, yes, I already know there are going to be arguments about how they should've thought of that before they had the affair but usually people starting affairs seriously don't think about the implications, or they think it won't matter because they're going to leave the marriage anyway. It's only later that a different reality sets in. At that point, do you tell? I say it's a bad idea. And telling your spouse out of guilt is the worst reason ever. Just learn from it and move one.

The problem with this rational...they aren't serial cheaters the first time the cheat. It is when they get away with it they do it again and again. How many cheaters do you know say "I will be a serial cheater"? Most say I don't intend to do this again...yet they "accidentally" mistakenly do the same crap again. Why not just give the BS a gun and let them waste their lives that way instead. Because that's what they are in the instance of their marriages....the walking wounded, slowly dying from living a lie. Telling your spouse for whatever reasons(guilt or otherwise) IS not the worst thing ever...looking in their face and lying to them for years while you save your own azz is the worst thing ever.

December 9, 2010

I'll jump in on this...

My wife was all set to leave me for OM when I discovered her EA. On the morning of d-day, while I was trying to sort this all out in my head, he bought her plane tickets so that she could go live with him.

I was as devestated as you described. Considered suicide in fact.

I went through several months of dealing with PTSD (my second time around with this) and severe loss of self-esteem.

You're right...it was some of the most devestating emotional trauma I've ever dealt with...and that's saying quite a bit.

Given all of that...I say tell.

Because if you want to have a relationship based on love, trust, and honesty...you can't do so from the foundation of a lie. You can't do that by witholding key information that could clearly impact the other person's choice to remain in a relationship with you or not.

If you think you feel guilty now...try living that lie for months or years. And imagine how guilty you'll feel when they DO learn the truth, and their emotional devestation is compounded by the years that they'll feel were wasted living a lie with you.

Yep...it hurt like hell. But knowing the truth allowed us to find a way to rebuild on a solid foundation. I'll grant...it could also have been the foundation for seperation and divorce...it was a risk created when the affair began.

Here's something to consider...you'll consistently see current and previous OW/OM and MM/MW who cheated as the ones advocating not telling...but you'll also note that it's nearly always the ones who have been cheated on...who were in your H's shoes...who are the ones who insist that you tell.

The ones who know what your H will feel...are the ones most urging you to tell. Something to think about...no?

December 9, 2010

Basically, your xOW was saying to you that she was no longer willing to be the OW anymore. She has said everything she could to convince you that she loves you immensely, but she's not willing to sacrifice her values over this because she has done enough of that already. The bottom line is that if you truly want to be with her, you'll do what it takes to make that happen. If you don't, then you're still too entangled in your marriage and xOW will move on to someone new someday without wasting years of her life on a married man.

As far as how long is too long, that's a tough question. Most OW don't want to be the OW so they're usually going to have a short timeline. But there are plenty of OW who stick around for years. It's not about the level of love that she has for the MM, though, it has more to do with her threashold for pain or her level of self-respect.

You found a prize woman. She's not going to stick around and nag you and tell you what you need to do. She's leaving it up to you. That says a lot about her character. It's up to you to decide what to do about it.

think she moving on already . heard today from a mutual friend she dating. could have done without that news , feel sick to my stomach over it . i honestly dont know what to do , i am totally torn

December 9, 2010

I would personally rather not know that my spouse cheated - particularly if he wanted to stay with me and promised himself that he'd never do that again. If I were married to a serial cheater, that's a different thing. If I were married to someone who planned to leave me for the OW, I still wouldn't want to know about it. This is an almost intolerable level of pain. Some people even commit suicide over it. Who wants to be responsible for that?

And, yes, I already know there are going to be arguments about how they should've thought of that before they had the affair but usually people starting affairs seriously don't think about the implications, or they think it won't matter because they're going to leave the marriage anyway. It's only later that a different reality sets in. At that point, do you tell? I say it's a bad idea. And telling your spouse out of guilt is the worst reason ever. Just learn from it and move on.

you ll get a lot opposition to this .. i still dont know if i will tell W about A ,,, i ve heard good arguements from both do and dont camps

December 9, 2010

think she moving on already . heard today from a mutual friend she dating. could have done without that news , feel sick to my stomach over it . i honestly dont know what to do , i am totally torn

Counselling.

December 9, 2010

Foolish1018, I am starting to agree with this. If you have decided to rededicate to your marriage and have no desire to ever cheat again, then don't tell him. I guess the only people that should tell are the serial cheaters who are in need of serious help. Telling forces them to deal with their problems honestly and get help. If the A was a one time thing then you shouldn't tell. People make mistakes and if you learned from it and don't do it again, then that is all that matters.

Tigers1970, I've changed my stance on this as you can see. Do not tell your wife regardless of what you choose. Unless you are a serial cheater of course - then definitely tell and seek counseling because that's a problem you bring with you into each relationship. I don't get the impression that you are though.

well im not a serial cheater and im absolutely sure i ve learned my lesson not to cheat again , that said ive still got a big mess to clean up.. why change of heart then ??

December 9, 2010

The bolded stuck out like a zit on end of your nose. For What?

1)the ability to make choices about his own life.

2)you HOPE...you won't cheat on him again. After you believe you gotten away with it one and some other young thing comes along making you feel like a "kid" again...you will do the same thing.

3)guilt isn't your punishment, if it were you wouldn't still be in the affair talking about you don't think you want to end it.

4)What have you been avoiding mirrors the whole time you were in the affair? Didn't you look in them to fix yourself up in preparation for seeing OM? Your reflection in a mirror isn't what needs to be examined...it's your soul, lack of integrity and behavior of immaturity.

5)you cover because you don't want to deal with his feelings, his pain, his doubts about you and his marriage. That is the cowards way out.

Ok, for starters, I'd like to tell you that I am sorry that your H cheated on you. It clearly has had a devastating toll on your life, and I can't even begin to imagine how you feel.

Getting back to this to tell or not to tell, I don't believe that there is a one size fits all answer. It depends on so many different circumstances. I personally am dealing with a spouse who is not 100% physically well, and has never been emotionally whole. I can also tell you that for someone who has been in IC for almost his entire life, it hasn't done a damn bit of good to help him cope with his issues. It's where I get to step in and help him sort those issues out, which enables him to function on a daily basis.

I love him completely, and I would never leave him. I know the same is true for him - we've always worked through our issues and will continue to do so. But I also know that he requires not only a wife, but a mother, a coach, and a maid to survive. I have given him 1000% for a very long time, and while I married him wanting a project to work on, I guess I just didn't expect to be working on the same project almost 10 years into the marriage. Selfish? Yup. I'll deal with it as best I can, and move on.

Yes, I say HOPE, b/c in this live, there are no guarantees. And I choose to believe in that hope. This guy wasn't the first to try to get my attention, and he clearly won't be the last. He was most certainly the most aggressive, the most determined one I've met. And boy, I must have some sign on my head, cause he clearly isn't the best one - I've got myself in a high school relationship, where once again, I'm the one w/the bigger set of you know what. After this clusterf*ck, I don't ever want to travel down this road ever again! Lesson learned, and in the end, I can still forgive myself and move on. This could have been much much worse - it could have been a full on romantic A w/all the elements of PA. It wasn't. It was a flirtation that got out of control, for a little while at least. My brain went on vacation apparently, but it's back now, and it's cleaning up the mess.

Guilt is a side effect of the A. Had it the whole time, just varying degrees based upon the intensity of what we were doing or saying. Do I still want to continue the A? Sure, my heart longs for something, there's a freaking soap opera going on in my life right now. But I need to focus on what matters, and the MM doesn't. If I were as important to him as he said, we would have been in a full on PA right now. Actions speak louder than words, and I have to remember that, I will remember that!

Actually no, I never did check out a mirror before seeing the MM. I look the way I look for work, and that's good enough for me. And yeah, I made some mistakes here, but I'm guessing we all have. Don't throw stones when you live in a glass house, you know? You clearly have never been on my side of the A, but I'm sure you aren't perfect either.

Sorry if I've thread jacked, but there are many facets to consider.

December 9, 2010

Tigers.........as a former OW, if you do decide to commit to your marriage my opinion is to tell her the whole truth. Anything less and you won't be able to lay the groundwork for a better marriage, one in which you both will be completely invested in. Anything less and you will only be making a half-assed attempt at it and as a military guy you aren't used to doing things half-assed, are you?

If you don't decide on your marriage, then go be with your OW and don't flip flop back and forth between the two. If you flip flop, you will drag everyone, your wife, your kids, and the OW and even yourself through hell.

Remember.....wherever you go, there you are and you can run from yourself but you won't get far.

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