I have just started an open war with my boss

[amerikajin]

actually, no, this kind of sheds light on what she's experiencing now. Because if he was more open to overseeing her work while she had that crush on him, but now barely gives these projects the attention they need, it says to me that he quite possibly is "punishing" her for not giving his ego the boost it had gotten used to. Because if he was interested in being professional about things, he could have moved on and STILL maintain his duty, not just wave her work aside or fail to address the JOINT PROJECT.

 

Or it could mean that he realized that he made a huge error in judgment by entertaining the idea of getting too personal with someone he depends on, and is now clueless as to how to deal with the situation. He's chosen to just be distant about the whole matter and he's chosen to avoid doing anything, which, from the OP's point of view, is a blessing, considering she could also be reassigned or worse.

 

As I say, they would both be on a short, short leash with me. Neither one's the victim here, it would seem.

[amerikajin]

I got an e-mail from my boss this morning, he sounded very apologetic and was attempting to flatter me (he didn't CC his boss in this e-mail)

 

He basically said that the fact that he didn't find time to practice the talk with me is indeed unacceptable and he is deeply sorry. He went on to say that he is impressed with how I defended the talk when he attacked it and that just proves what he knew all along - how capable I really am

 

He went on to say that he will be in the audience to support me. He really wants to make it up to me by practicing the talk with me there multiple times (his is there already, I am flying in 2 days and my talk is on the last day) - he told me to call him when my plane lands and we will set it up.

 

He didn't sound angry for involving his boss making me even more convinced that he really went over the line. He also didn't address the 10 minute meetings problem.

 

Not sure if I should accept his apology and try to work things out in a peaceful manner. His e-mail made me feel pissed to be honest - like he is trying too placate me so I wouldn't go any further rather than sincere apology.

 

Thoughts on how I should proceed? I am thinking ignoring this e-mail and still asking for the supervision time to be addressed when I get back.

 

Translation: he knows he needs to sweep this crap under the rug before his own boss gets fed up. But remember, it won't be just him who gets tossed out the door...you'll be right behind him. I say fix it. Stay objective. Stay professional. Don't do anything else personal with him. Just stay focused only on the job and nothing else. This is a golden second (perhaps last?) chance to right this situation before it goes completely off the rails.

[OceanGirl]

I'm not convinced that this thing will work out. Boss hasn't responded to my last email. I am at the conference now and he definitely seems pissed at me. I saw him briefly and tried to start a normal conversation and he pretty much walked away. I invited him to come to drinks tonight with a bunch of other coworkers and he said he will come. I ended up not going as I'm too tired but everybody else went. I'm waiting for the girls I'm rooming with to come home and give me an update (not that they know anything about this).

[amerikajin]

I'm not convinced that this thing will work out. Boss hasn't responded to my last email. I am at the conference now and he definitely seems pissed at me. I saw him briefly and tried to start a normal conversation and he pretty much walked away. I invited him to come to drinks tonight with a bunch of other coworkers and he said he will come. I ended up not going as I'm too tired but everybody else went. I'm waiting for the girls I'm rooming with to come home and give me an update (not that they know anything about this).

 

Keep your distance, and keep it professional at all times. I doubt I would even have drinks with the boss, but if you do, at least go out with a group and keep yourself sober and don't spend any one-on-one time with him.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm not convinced that this thing will work out. Boss hasn't responded to my last email. I am at the conference now and he definitely seems pissed at me. I saw him briefly and tried to start a normal conversation and he pretty much walked away. I invited him to come to drinks tonight with a bunch of other coworkers and he said he will come. I ended up not going as I'm too tired but everybody else went. I'm waiting for the girls I'm rooming with to come home and give me an update (not that they know anything about this).

 

I echo amerikajin:

Remember what I advised - keep it professional and impersonal.

I know he seems to be permitting his own temper and emotions to dictate his attitude and actions, and that is all the more reason why you MUST at all costs, maintain a professional and correct demeanour and attitude.

How he behaves is his problem.

How you deal with it, and therefore respond, is yours.

 

Please pay little or scant attention to what your 'rooming girls' come back with.

it really doesn't matter - and shouldn't matter - what his attitude and comments might be.

take it in, and keep it to yourself.

If he chooses to be the 'silly jerk' then he's merely making problems for himself.

Be professional, courteous, impersonal and write that letter, CC'ing his boss in as I advised.

However futile or unnecessary you might feel it is, I personally feel it to be a useful exercise.....

Rise above it, ignore his petulance and maintain your composure.

[OceanGirl]

I am back.

 

I didn't go out with him at all, not even in a group.

 

He did approach me there, 2 days before my talk and asked me if I want to practice. I invited him over to my apartment (other girls were there too) and we had a run-through (I was so freaked out about the talk that I really needed his advice). He told me that my talk was "average" WTF and suggested some improvements. He then offered to come over tomorrow to practice again to which I just said "No thanks, I think I will be fine from here".

 

The talk went really well I thought. I was feeling really confident and was able to answer all the questions in depth. I even got a standing applause. Afterwards, boss approached me and told me that it was "exceptional". Few more people came up to me and said the same thing.

 

Still, the supervision issues haven't been addressed. I heard from my boss today and apparently some professor from Cambridge is interested in my work and wants to get in touch with me. Not sure what he wants but we will see.

 

I am just SO relieved that it all went so well and that I managed to keep my anxiety over public speaking under control.

[OceanGirl]

P.S. I also managed to get to do some sight seeing and go to the beach, the cruise, out for dinners and a night club. I had great company too - 5 other girls and we had tons of fun but I barely slept and couldn't keep up that pace for much longer.

[Ariadne]

I am back...The talk went really well I thought...I even got a standing applause. Afterwards, boss approached me and told me that it was "exceptional".

 

Woohoo!!!

 

Congratulations OceanGirl!!!!!!!!!

[OceanGirl]

Thanks Ariadne

 

Well there may be some resolution to my work situation on the horizon. Boss e-mailed me today and scheduled a meeting for tomorrow to talk about the issues I raised before the trip.

 

I am glad that he is not sweeping it completely under the carpet but I hope I am not getting fired

[Ometeotl]

First of all, All the people who want to blame the victim or ask why she couldnt do this or that, I propose you instead blame the people who are are actin unjustly and ask why THEY dont do this or that.

 

First off, simply because somebody has power over somebody in a work environment does not mean that they should be irresponsible and unfair in their actions. Position's of authority reflect legitimate power, meaning that this person has received a position of authority due to an array of legitimate skills which are in accord with the position.

 

In this case, I would say that if he is treating you unfairly you have the right as and authority as a employee to question his actions and hold him accountable to by letting his Superior being aware of the knowingly negligent agency of this person, how it is effecting yourself, the team, how it is reflecting on his business ethics, and how it is poorly reflecting the business.

 

I would talk with HR as well, and even contact your attorney.

 

Cheers, I love law!

[denise_xo]

Thanks Ariadne

 

 

I am glad that he is not sweeping it completely under the carpet but I hope I am not getting fired

 

If that Cambridge professor is interested in your research he can't afford to fire you

[OceanGirl]

If that Cambridge professor is interested in your research he can't afford to fire you

 

Hopefully - but you never know with these things.

 

 

I just woke up and had nightmares all night about the meeting where boss was telling me in a variety of ways that I am getting fired. Then when I tried to argue against it, he started laughing uncontrollably

 

I hope this is not a premonition of things to come.

[OceanGirl]

Eh, I just finished with the meeting and I didn't get fired but the conversation was very uncomfortable.

 

We argued and he thinks that I am being unfair/my expectations are too high. He basically said that if I was honest with myself, there were periods when I was not being as productive as I should have been and he was quite lenient and didn't really say a word. But when he was having rough time in the last few months I ended up being very impatient and making a scene. He also feels that my expectations of him responding to my e-mails within a day or two are not reasonable. The truth is guys that when he was interested in flirting with me in the earlier years, he was e-maling me all the time and would respond to my e-mails within an hour (I didn't tell him this of course but it was the elephant in the room).

 

Anyway, I re-iterated what I said in my e-mail and asked him for an hour long meetings every fortnight. I told him that I want the meetings to be formal and structured and have a clear agenda (that I am happy to prepare) rather than free flowing chit chat. I was quite calm when I told him this. I also added that if he feels he can't commit to this that I am more than happy for alternative supervision to be arranged for me. As I mentioned "alternative supervison" he looked down and seemed a bit I don't know, weird.

 

He then said "I am afraid that alternative supervison isn't possible". "You are stuck with me at least until the end of this project which will be another 1.5 years so we will have to make this work".

 

To that I said "We can make it work if you meet my conditions". So he agreed to everything. I still don't fully trust him so I asked him to sign a formal document that I am about to prepare where he agrees to all of it in writing. He said that he will sign it. On a whim, I decided to ask for an international trip next year that I want to go to. It is not essential for my work but I feel would be useful for me (especially for networking contacts as I plan to leave this place - I didn't tell him this of course). He was hesitant but said yes in the end. I plan to put the trip in the document that I am making him sign too

 

Our "friendship" is officially over.

[OceanGirl]

He signed.

 

I feel a bit sad that it has come to this but I feel very strongly that I didn't let myself be pushed around and that I did the right thing. I am not at work to make friends or for people to like me. I am here to be given enough resources to be as productive as possible.

[threebyfate]

Very glad to hear that you got what you wanted and more!

 

Not sure if I would have gotten him to sign but that's a way to bullet-proof his cooperation. Sucks but reliant on how trustworthy a superior is, sometimes this is necessary.

[TaraMaiden]

He signed.

 

I feel a bit sad that it has come to this but I feel very strongly that I didn't let myself be pushed around and that I did the right thing. I am not at work to make friends or for people to like me. I am here to be given enough resources to be as productive as possible.

 

Sounds to me like you actually have a better handle on this than he does...

 

I'd love to know what emotions were running up and down his spine during all of this...

but of course, we'll never know, and it's best to not even wonder,or go there.

 

Congrats for the business-like attitude.

I personally feel you played the ace cards, here.