How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Surfer203]

The phone call lasted 2 hours approximately. It was nice, as if nothing had ever happened. A few times it got weird when we talked about the fact that she has not made a decision yet. I again expressed the need for her to make a decision soon. She had not come to one yet, which I figured would not happen while she was there. She flies back to NYC tomorrow and will be returning to her apartment. I told her I feared her going back to the apartment would be bad because the OM has the upper hand and will try to sway her from leaving. She denied this and claims he will have no affect on her decision. She has made it clear that all she cares about is herself. Her Mom has been giving her an attitude since she has been there and my wife keeps brushing it off and saying that she is crazy and a drunk or whatever. She knows her path is wrong. I said to her so what's the plan after you get back.. she said there is no plan, I don't plan anymore. GREAT, I am thinking, haha F***. Anyway, we left off and she said she would get in touch before her flight tomorrow.

 

A decision must come soon, I have a day in my head that is my final day for waiting. I will NOT tell her what day, but if she does not decide before that day I will get in touch with her on the day and let her know THIS IS IT, WHAT IS YOUR CHOICE? If no I slam her with the Divorce papers. If yes, we move forward however we will.

 

I know a lot of you will be upset with my choice, but that is it so far.

[Surfer203]

***Go to the previous page to read the beginning of my update, I segmented it just incase my computer crashed I wouldn't lose some of it. Thanks!

 

 

Here is one question.. WHY would she message me first thing and the morning saying that she wanted to talk? I would take that as a sign of her wanting to be back with me, but I could be wrong.

[sirweasles]

dont read into it dont get your hopes up usually we need to talk is not a good thing in this situation it could go either way just remember you are a man you will keep your cool and dignity. and except what ever the outcome may be

[Surfer203]

You are not understanding.. She didn't say "we have to talk" she said "I wanted to talk" we then had a conversation and it wasn't anything bad

[michaelhopes]

Dude, if I was you I would go on with your life as if she left you 5 years ago...If she says I made a mistake and she wants to fix things then deal with that later.

For now anything you do to get her back will backfire on you sooner or later and you will regret it. What would you be doing now if she left you 5 years ago? Not still chasing after her or spending your time stressing over what she may or may not do I hope.

She's working you over....

Do a 180 and head the other way. Not with anger or resentment or revenge, but as if it was over a long time ago....

Dont buy into this "she's confused" krap.

Why would you want to be with ANYBODY if they dont want to be with you?

Real love is there or it isnt...plain and simple

[sirweasles]

on this one I have to say she has chosen dude go out and start your life you should let her know that the time has come its hard and its confusing but if she is returning to him she is not returning to you go out be wih friends if you want to remain friends with her then do so butkeep it at that start planning and preparing for the rest of your life start dating i can tell you if she has any doubts she will find them when she sees you with another woman at this point she has turned her emotional ties to sombody else and you need to start repairing yours you will find that when that day in your mind comes you will make an excuse as to why it should be another day hold her accountable you gave her the chance that most including me would not have now go have a life.

[Surfer203]

I really don't know how to go forward at the moment. Are any of these signs valid or are they all bulls***? Why would she want to keep me on the hook? If she is so confident in her decision to leave? Why would she go home to think? Why would she tell me she wanted to talk and then have a nice talk with me?

[michaelhopes]

Unless you've done something horrible to her almost all ex's or soon to be ex's pull this krap. Whether it's to keep you as a backup or keep you as a friend. Whatever....It's a constant theme in breakups that drive the dumpee crazy......How do you move on? Fake it till you make it. Dont wait around for her calls or text messages. Dont make plans on how to get her back.etc etc.

Check out of the game....

Again what would you be doing now if she had left you 5 years ago?

I like to go fishing and drink beers with my buddies, work on my car, Hang out with the family........

Sounds crazy I know...But that is the direction you have to go.

[hopesndreams]

Why would she want to keep me on the hook?

 

To keep you sweet. She doesn't hate you but has proven she doesn't love you either. I believe her plan is for you to take all the blame for her A, and it seems to be working. You will jump through hoops for this undeserving, selfish woman. She knows it, you know it, we all know it.

 

When, not if, divorce plans are in action, she hopes to get whatever she wants from it. Be it the house, cash in the bank, that sort of thing. Hey, you might even give her a farewell kiss and wish her well.

 

Is she financially independent? If not, that could be why you are on the hook.

[cyabye]

Sad. Really sad that you just don't get it. DENIAL will prevent you from moving forward. SHE ALREADY MADE HER DECISION! Now she sees you as a WIMP, DOORMAT, etc. because you are sitting around waiting on her. WAKE UP MAN and grow a pair! It's hard but you MUST do it! Go NO CONTACT and serve her regardless!

 

cya

[sirweasles]

honestly she still cares about you and doesnt know how to keep you as a friend when thats all she wants of you or maybe she just doesnt know what she really wants the big thing is she made the desition and you have to hold her to it if later down the road things change you have to be in a situation where its your choice not hers the only way to move on is to just do it best advice is to leave your phone at home and go out for a few hours join a bowling legue or somthing get back into the game meet and talk to women and start reassembling your out side life dont be affraid to date hell she is already living with another man nothing you can do in this area can worsen the situation but it can and will better your situation baby steps dude

[Ballerfamily]

You are not understanding.. She didn't say "we have to talk" she said "I wanted to talk" we then had a conversation and it wasn't anything bad

 

Surfer203.

 

you do not understand the guilt and shame that she is feeling. you have been given advice right on here. Steadfast,vader, etc. It can't be explained any better.

 

We have been through this. You are in denial and you can't stand the power you once had is gone. Your emotions will not let you rest. You can't believe this is happening. She was your best friend, etc. What is wrong with her.

 

Understand this , this was in the making for along time. Woman do not step out(leave) until they are basically gone. She does not want to put in the hard work it will take right now. You want her because you can't have her. When she gave warning signs, you didn't believe them or didn't think she was serious.

 

Step back. You are driving her furthur away. Believe it. Look at actions, not words. Woman especially are good at manipulating us. We think they are all good. This is deep. You will drive yourself crazy trying to understand and make sense of her drivel, because her actions don't match her words. Use your brain, and give the heart a vacation. Most likely she is gone, especially there being OM. He is the soft landing. He takes no work at this point. He is not judgemental. Understand this.He is using everything you say to his advantage. You are her pain at this point.

 

If she does talk to you, or eat dinner, it will mess with you like no other. You cannot make sense of this.

 

We all have been there. You and her are not any different. the dynamics are the same.

 

Prepare for a new you.

She is gone

She is having sex. believe it. She wouldn't risk this sh*t without trying it

Will she eventually want back. probally not. at least not till its to late, usually

Safe guard your things

Get the paperwork rolling

Then you will know(actions, not words)

expose to friends and family

change the locks

you are an option. i will never be a doormat or an option again. have some self respect, please. you will be so bitter later, and hate and resentment will kick in. believe it. if you really love her

then it gets ugly

the more time you give her, the more you will be screwed

count on it. she will self preservate. damage control

she will lie about you. restraining order, etc

believe it

keep your diginity and let her go

she knows where you live

 

Peace bro, i understand, and God Bless

[pdxdad123]

Right now she's acting as if she is the only one who has a decision to make. It's all about her.

 

Well, it isn't all about her. It's about both you and her. And you need to realize you have a decision to make. You seem to be waiting completely on her decision, and you will react to it. But you really do have a decision to make now, regardless of what she says, and it's which is not contingent on her decision.

 

Do you or do you now want to spend the rest of your days with her?

 

You can preemptively decide, after all, that things are over. But... it doesn't seem like that's your path. Too bad... I have a feeling we'll be seeing you again on these boards in a year or two or three.

[Ballerfamily]

I really don't know how to go forward at the moment. Are any of these signs valid or are they all bulls***? Why would she want to keep me on the hook? If she is so confident in her decision to leave? Why would she go home to think? Why would she tell me she wanted to talk and then have a nice talk with me?

 

 

She has some feelings for you. She cares. She doesn't want to hurt you. What they don't understand, this hurts worse. She has all the pieces of the puzzle. You are missing some.

[Ballerfamily]

Right now she's acting as if she is the only one who has a decision to make. It's all about her.

 

Well, it isn't all about her. It's about both you and her. And you need to realize you have a decision to make. You seem to be waiting completely on her decision, and you will react to it. But you really do have a decision to make now, regardless of what she says, and it's which is not contingent on her decision.

 

Do you or do you now want to spend the rest of your days with her?

 

You can preemptively decide, after all, that things are over. But... it doesn't seem like that's your path. Too bad... I have a feeling we'll be seeing you again on these boards in a year or two or three.

 

She is on a high. Its called wild sex. If you cant get the warm fuzzies for her out of your mind, let the sex movie play in your head. Think the worst, then times it by 10.

 

Doing what your doing, she is laughing to the bank. She can f___ around and still have you pining. Which is normal. alot of us did the same.

 

When you say enough(by actions) you will be a meany. She is not used to you standing up for yourself. Be gone my man. She will find you attractive again. believe it. she will look in her OM's eyes some nite, and see your reflection. What you are doing is nothing more then prolonging. she doesnt want to look weak to OM. she has to show respect to him, not you. your hers, to sh___ and p___ on. Stop it

[Surfer203]

You are all right. I need to stop giving a f*** about her and what she is doing and what signs she is giving or not giving. I realize this. Time to try to put this in to play. If in the near future she comes back and I still want her back I will consider it. As of now, I don't care and am going to try and meet other women soon. This is my word. I will keep you all updated if she does or says anything noteworthy. Going to keep attending therapy sessions and trying to keep positive. I really appreciate all of the kind advice from everyone here at LS. I have had it, I am fed up and I will not subject myself to any more life in limbo.

[Surfer203]

One thing that helps me a lot is I realize how miserable her life is going to be. She is out a job, health insurance, money, house, car, husband, friends and family have lost respect for her, she is going to owe me money for a long time to pay back debts, etc. She is going to have a pretty crappy life and that makes me feel a little better. Is that twisted?

[michaelhopes]

Good.....

I must caution you to not do anything out of anger ...including taking this new direction for your self.

 

If you're going thru hell keep going

-Winston Churchill

[Ballerfamily]

One thing that helps me a lot is I realize how miserable her life is going to be. She is out a job, health insurance, money, house, car, husband, friends and family have lost respect for her, she is going to owe me money for a long time to pay back debts, etc. She is going to have a pretty crappy life and that makes me feel a little better. Is that twisted?

 

 

perfectly fine for now. but keep it yourself. take the high road. Your friends, her family, etc will notice. eventually you may even feel bad for her. she missed out

 

good luck

[Surfer203]

It is not out of anger.. it is out of frustration and becoming tired of the situation. Tired of waiting and being in limbo. Now is the time - I KNEW I wouldn't get an answer from her before she came back to NY.

[michaelhopes]

Frustration is anger.....

You do this because it's the right thing to do.

You do this despite your emotional turmoil because your common sense tells you the right direction to take.

You do this because if a good friend was going thru the same thing the advice here would be the same that you would offer

[giblesp]

The phone call lasted 2 hours approximately. It was nice, as if nothing had ever happened. A few times it got weird when we talked about the fact that she has not made a decision yet. I again expressed the need for her to make a decision soon. She had not come to one yet, which I figured would not happen while she was there. She flies back to NYC tomorrow and will be returning to her apartment. I told her I feared her going back to the apartment would be bad because the OM has the upper hand and will try to sway her from leaving. She denied this and claims he will have no affect on her decision. She has made it clear that all she cares about is herself. Her Mom has been giving her an attitude since she has been there and my wife keeps brushing it off and saying that she is crazy and a drunk or whatever. She knows her path is wrong. I said to her so what's the plan after you get back.. she said there is no plan, I don't plan anymore. GREAT, I am thinking, haha F***. Anyway, we left off and she said she would get in touch before her flight tomorrow.

 

A decision must come soon, I have a day in my head that is my final day for waiting. I will NOT tell her what day, but if she does not decide before that day I will get in touch with her on the day and let her know THIS IS IT, WHAT IS YOUR CHOICE? If no I slam her with the Divorce papers. If yes, we move forward however we will.

 

I know a lot of you will be upset with my choice, but that is it so far.

 

If you get back with this girl, this is the point you'll come back to sooner or later.

 

If a woman loves you and wants to be with you, there isn't the SLIGHTEST hesitation in her expressing that, she's all over you. I'm sure you and most men who have been in love, have experienced this. She doesn't go to another man's bed, she doesn't need a few days to think about coming back.

 

As soon as a woman is 'not sure,' my policy is I'm out the door. I've got a career to build, friends to hang out and I haven't got the time for indecision. I've got lots of love to give to a girl, but if she aint sure she wants it, why waste time and energy? Since I've had this attitude, I've never had an indecisive woman. Not to say that every encounter has worked out, but there's been less grief and nonsense.

 

Right now it seems that if she says 'Yes I want you' everything will be ok. It don't work that way.

 

You haven't mentioned her apologizing, explaining what happened. How she's sorry for the betrayal, for causing you, the man she loves, such pain.

 

'She made it clear that all she cares about is herself.' Really time to move on man. That's not a good quality in a partner!

 

Sorry for the pain you are feeling, I know exactly what it's like. Its a very confusing time and I sympathize.

[Ballerfamily]

The gut and instinct were put there for a reason. To protect you.

 

 

(If it looks like a skunk, and smells like a skunk, it ain't a damn kitty)

 

Think of all the hard work. Life is to short. A good,loyal,faithful spouse is hard enough work. An unhappy, cheating spouse, eye,eye,eye.

 

Think about it. It will never be the same. She is not even close to reconcilation. Any remorseful spouse is back crying at your foot on DDay promising, transparent, etc.

[Surfer203]

I understand frustration is anger. I am not doing this out of spite or something like that though. It is necessary for me to move on. If I keep talking to her it opens the wounds up and gives her what she needs to keep going. Just enough comfort from me to not make her feel like a terrible person. I think I am being used to make herself feel better.. it is all clicking.

[Ballerfamily]

and even then, you have to decide if its authentic. From what you have described, you can't trust yourself till you completely step back, for some time. This don't happen over nite.

 

Why the BS is usually gone. We have lives to live. Take control of yours.

 

Don't accept this BS. The love of a real woman is worth finding and waiting for. And repair yourself, and learn from your mistakes.

 

Be single for awhile. Don't f__ some elses life up when your emotionally unstable. You have to do it right