How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Steadfast]

 

Steadfast: I appreciate your blatant honesty.. haha. I know I need to hear it! I am looking for advice from people on how to cope and get through this patch of time. It seems almost everyone thinks I should just give up. I think every situation is different though, I was hoping to get a little bit of encouragment I guess..

 

 

I'm afraid the problem here is you have it backwards. Give up? Hasn't she done that already? Someone posted earlier and asked what she would do if you moved in with another woman, then threw her breadcrumbs of hope? I imagine she'd probably have a few colorful words in response, don't you?

 

You are being given encouragement; it is time someone start looking out for the person that didn't cheat, betray and lie. That's you, if, in fact, what you're typing is correct. Did you cheat first? Beat her up? Call her names? Are you addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling or porn? Believe it or not, women (and men) have even survived these things to marriage happiness but the key is both wanting it. She's in affair fog, keeping you in limbo. She's not going to say "I don't love you, stay away from me. I love someone else and we're going to build a life together." If she did that, at least you'd know where you stand. But no; she keeping her options open.

 

That's called gaslighting, and it's the worst. Only you can change it. You.

 

I was married to 16 years (and had two kids) to a woman I thought was the love of my life. I built my entire existence around her. She cheated, and left me to take care of my broken heart and the kids on 1/2 of the money previously used to sustain our home. I've been there; lost 35 pounds, begged, threatened and grieved until l looked like a corpse.

 

I was, and am the one who really mattered. I see her now for who she really is, and you know what? I'm better off. My dream life was a mirage.

 

Do what you must, but I assure you that the advice you're getting is solid.

[Surfer203]

steadfast: I believe that I am getting good advice and I truly appreciate it. I just don't know where to even begin. A lot of people are telling me dump her NOW! While others mostly family and close friends are telling me to keep some hope alive and don't end it quite yet.

 

sirweasles: I think you are seeing the possibility of something after this.. my question to you if I choose to stick this week out is.. how soon do I contact her after she gets back to ask her of her decision? Or do I wait for her to talk to me?

 

wicar1: I totally understand your mentality.. it really hurts what she did, I was a great guy - no issues what so ever. I have felt the anger of just saying F*** Off! Part of me is holding that back though, I don't know if it is bad that I am giving her more time.. I know it can't go on forever though, this is it.

[2.50 a gallon]

Surfer

 

I have read your threads, I am sorry to say but I think that she has fallen into the clutches of a predator player. The key was in your first post of your first thread and his replies to her about returning to her home, and your history together. When I was a player I used to use them same lines, it made me look like a good guy

 

I think that if you really want her back your best move is to move on immediately. If she can screw around so can you. Do you follow.

 

Do you normally decorate for the holidays, if so do it and add to it. Make it brighter and better. If you didn't decorate, start. Part of the new you, who loves the holidays whether you are alone or not. You are doing this to attract other ladies.

 

While she is gone thinking this over, you can too, start picturing all of the hot ladies you are going to date. Be happy, with your new life.

 

As I said this guy sounds like a predator player if you can find out his past I would bet that she is not the first. In the future when he dumps her, you will have found somebody new whom you are considering sharing your life with and having a family with.

 

Been there and done that. It works. I had my XW pursue me for 3 to 4 years after our break up.

[Surfer203]

I guarantee he is a player... to make it worse.. he is a model! I am by no means a model, I am about 5'6", slim (good shape!) and pretty good looking, if I don't say to myself. She claims it's not about looks.. blah blah blah! I know I can do better than a cheating slut who throws me away like common garbage. This holiday season I will do my best to move on and celebrate. I will use January 1st as a new starting off point. A new year, a new life. That is if this s*** does not fall through this week.

 

I know one thing, which probably won't help her decision but her parents have not seen her since and they are going to tear her apart. I am sure it will send her even further away, but at least she will be treated like what she is.. a piece of s***.

[karnak]

 

Her boy friend of 1-2 months.. I would say that's what you know. I bet.. she was cheating behind your back for months or may be years and you dont know about it.

 

 

Surfer, in case it's possible try to discover if such a thing has happened (if she had been having contact with this guy behind your back, and for how long). If she did it's a proof that she'd been preparing this move for some time and it will help you get closure.

[Surfer203]

karnak: She met him on this past Labor Day at a club while her friends were visiting from Canada. So, I am positive that was the first time she met him.

[Surfer203]

And to me.. that makes this even harder. She threw away almost a decade with a great guy to try the waters with a dirtbag.

[PegNosePete]

She threw away almost a decade with a great guy to try the waters with a dirtbag.

Welcome to the club dude

[2.50 a gallon]

Surfer

 

Time for you to get a new life

 

Are you a fun loving guy? T-shirts and blue jeans. Do you want to meet new women, like in a store, while buying gas, grocery shopping?

 

If so, Google Grumpy hat

 

Click on the ebay link, follow it to about page 4

 

Rare Disney GRUMPY Super-sized Baseball cap

 

It should be a basically brown hat, with a picture of a scowling Grumpy on the front with a bulbous nose, and a big extra large brim that looks like a beard.

 

If you can buy it.

 

My GF and I are into Grumpy and Disney characters, I have several Grumpy T-shirts. Last winter I picked up this hat and now wear it quite often, especially when I am wearing a Grumpy T-shirt. I wish that I had this hat when I was 30 and available, as I swear almost every time I wear it there is another lady telling me she likes my hat.

 

That is all you need, they have started talking to you.

 

I am over 60, retired, and have been hit on several times by ladies even in their 20's, and most in their 30's.

 

I do most of the grocery shopping, so many of the check out clerks have gotten to recognize me, and now call me Grumpy. I have had them notice when I don't wear the hat.

 

Have fun with it. Joke about it. Stuff like, "I broke off from the group. I warned them when Prince Charming showed up with big white horse. But did they listen. NO.

 

That guy never did a hard days work in his life. Probably couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag, but she falls for him. Or was it the horse. You women always go for the guy with the flashy car.

 

Joke about it, get her to laugh. Don't push, get her to laugh. I am like you, in size, but used to be a player. One of my first keys in seducing a woman was to get her to laugh. If you can get her to laugh, she begins producing the first of those love chemicals.

 

More another time.

 

You can do this.

[Surfer203]

2.50 a gallon: I know I have to move on. But am I a complete idiot for giving her this final 5 days to decide? I don't think I am, but much passed that then I really am an idiot. I have no worries about picking up new women, I am a musician, artist and a funny/outgoing guy. I think I will be just fine.

[PegNosePete]

No you're not an idiot, you're just following your emotions. We all have to make the journey and learn for ourselves. It's just that a lot of us on this website have seen it all before so we know how it's going to end. But you haven't so you need to go through it first-hand. When we were in the similar situations, most of us weren't too different form you.

[GorillaTheater]

But am I a complete idiot for giving her this final 5 days to decide?

 

Complete idiot? No, but I do think it's unwise. My philosophy, as I've said here before, is to give them 5 minutes to decide. No "sleep on it", no "phone a friend". The problem with your approach is that it puts her in the driver's seat and puts you in limbo. But limbo lasts only as long as you allow it. Take back control of the relationship. A good start would be to file for divorce.

 

You have to look out for your own interests and well-being, because she sure as hell isn't interested in what's best for you, at least not until you get her attention and maybe not even then.

[hopesndreams]

I know I can do better than a cheating slut who throws me away like common garbage.

 

5 more days huh? I wouldn't give her 5 more seconds. Throw her world in a tailspin, inform her now, it's over.

 

By doing the above, your self-esteem and self-respect will get a much needed boost.

 

Don't let her be the one to say she tried but can no longer see herself as being part of your life.

 

She's already gone. Sorry.

[seibert253]

Here's my favorite quote for these types of situations, I think it says it all in one concise sentence.

 

"Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option."

 

 

Best of luck.

 

One of the best one's I've heard in a long time.

[seibert253]

Go see and attorney and have D papers drawn up. Say nothing to her.

 

Eventually after she returns you two should meet face to face, to discuss her "desicion". Don't do it over phone, text, or email. Make her do it face to face.

 

If she tells you anything other than she's committed to fixing your M, right after she's done tell her you're sorry she feels that way, then hand her the D papers. You will feel sooo much better after.

[Surfer203]

Well.. this is interesting - she just texted me saying that she is going home to make a real decision and knows I can't wait much longer. She says she is going home and hopefully her mind and heart can connect. She says she knows what is best but she can't guarantee her decision will go with logic. So.. this is interesting, I am getting more hope than ever now..and it is F****** with me a bit.

 

I plan on doing a face to face when she gets back, great idea. How quick can they draw up divorce papers? I think that would be really impactful to do that if she says no.

[hopesndreams]

Well.. this is interesting - she just texted me saying that she is going home to make a real decision and knows I can't wait much longer. She says she is going home and hopefully her mind and heart can connect. She says she knows what is best but she can't guarantee her decision will go with logic. So.. this is interesting, I am getting more hope than ever now..and it is F****** with me a bit.

 

I plan on doing a face to face when she gets back, great idea. How quick can they draw up divorce papers? I think that would be really impactful to do that if she says no.

 

The Hope monster lives!

 

Even if she did come to her senses (highly doubtful), why would you want her now? She is loaded with OM's cooties! She probably talks just like him too.

 

If only your heart can shut off and let the brain take over--would save you from needless suffering!

 

Did you answer the text? I hope not. Let her stew wondering why you haven't messaged back. At least do that much eh?

[karnak]

She says she is going home and hopefully her mind and heart can connect. She says she knows what is best but she can't guarantee her decision will go with logic.

 

Be careful.

 

And she could be trying to come back to you only because she realizes what a **** the other guy was.

 

In case she returns to you (and I hope she does) unless she's really sorry for what she's done, she'll do it again in the future.

[Surfer203]

hopesanddreams: She was being so nice that I responded... she has not been this "sweet" since before she left. It was like she was reassuring me that she would go home and really try to clear her head and make a good decision.

 

karnak: I believe that if she does return she will be fully devoted.. she says she will and for some reason I believe it. I am naive maybe.. maybe I just love her too much to think she is that evil.

 

F***!!!!

[karnak]

Listen to your "gut feeling" concerning this entire situation and your wife.

 

Whatever it tells you, no matter how odd or weird it seems, is the truth.

[Surfer203]

karnak: I have been following my gut the whole time and so far it seems right. After this trip I will know for sure whether I was wrong all along. I am hoping I am right.. really really am. We were best friends and did literally everything together, I miss that.

 

Thanks for everyones help thus far.. It is really helping me to be a part of this messageboard.. I plan on continuing to post here no matter what the outcome is with my wife. Thanks all!

[Surfer203]

Well.. her plane has landed and she has told me the flight was good and she enjoyed it (she has not taken a flight since she was a kid and this was her first flight alone). She sent me a message as soon as she landed to let me know. I don't know.. this is all too much. Too many little signs I am getting that make me think she is going to return to me, but I have no guarantees.

 

I hope everyone has a nice Thanksgiving holiday, no matter what your situation. I know what I am thankful for this year. My family and close friends who have been here for me through this trying time and myself for not pointing a gun at my head and ending it all a month ago.

[karnak]

I hope it all works OK with both of you, man.

 

Be confident. Be strong.

[PegNosePete]

Indeed, no guarantees. These little breadcrumbs of hope she is scattering onto you could just be her way of letting you down gently. Try not to read anything into any of it. I think you really need to not respond to her until she gets back. She wants time, give it to her. You need to show her that you are strong right now, and nothing says strong like NO CONTACT.

 

As suggested above, have D papers ready for when she returns. Sit her down as soon as she's back and ask her decision. Don't do it by phone and don't give her a couple of days. If it is not 100% in your favour, if she still hasn't decided or is sitting on the fence, then hand over the papers and mean it. No bluffing, no using the papers to blackmail her, no accepting her begging if she "suddenly" changes her mind.

 

Good luck dude I hope it works out for you. But from what you've said she doesn't seem like the reconciling type.

[Surfer203]

Thanks guys.. I appreciate the encouragment one way or another! I will do what you say and not contact her at all until she returns. If she contacts me though, should I respond? Or play it off non-chalant and not reply right away, kind of thing?