Are you being blown off? What do you do?

[daphne]

Do you ever wonder whether you should have said something? Who knows, maybe they weren't blowing you off, maybe they were withdrawing because they sensed you were? Or they legitimately had sh*t going on? In that case, if you fade away too, aren't you letting go of something with real potential? I dunno. These are rhetorical questions, and I tend to change my mind based on the people involved. I guess I just don't favor hard and fast rules about this sort of thing.

 

Do you know the responses your friends got?

 

I think this is a reasonable line of questioning. I think too many people make assumptions without communicating because they're afraid to get their egos hurt. Not knowing for sure is probably worse. Personally, I think it's best to go ahead and talk about it so you can move on or figure out if there was something going on. Everyone's in too much of a hurry to be the one to pull the trigger. And I think on occasion, they're missing out on a good thing due to fear.

[daphne]

One time I went out to lunch with this guy and thought we hit it off. We said good-bye and did the awkward "ok, I'll call you" kinda thing. I waited and waited ... nothing. Finally after a couple months I was deleting old contacts out of my phone and saw his # and since enough time had gone by to just text him as a friend, I sent a simple "Just seeing how you're doing, hope life is treating you well" kind of thing and he responded immediately and we talked for awhile. He said he'd had a great time and was hoping we'd go out again. I said "But you never called after our lunch" and he said "Neither did you so I thought you weren't interested". Ugh. We had a Mexican stand-off going on or something. We ended up going out for a couple more months.

 

If the guy was waiting to hear from you, he wasn't a man in my opinion. Only girls sit by the phone and wait for the call. Just my 2 cents.

[johan]

My PMs were shut off, man! Not by choice!!

 

Sigh. I wish I could say that's the first time I've heard that.

[Star Gazer]

I think this is a reasonable line of questioning. I think too many people make assumptions without communicating because they're afraid to get their egos hurt. Not knowing for sure is probably worse. Personally, I think it's best to go ahead and talk about it so you can move on or figure out if there was something going on. Everyone's in too much of a hurry to be the one to pull the trigger. And I think on occasion, they're missing out on a good thing due to fear.

 

Exactly right, Daphne!

 

I guess you could say that I've let go of my ego. Sure, I get disappointed sometimes when I get blown off, or when someone I like doesn't feel the same way, but I don't get hurt-hurt or let it affect how I feel about myself. If anything, I walk away from each situation feeling even better about myself because I know I spoke up for myself and what I want while handling myself gracefully.

[D-Lish]

When I sniff rejection I shut down immediately.

 

Didn't used to, I used to chase in my younger years- but I think that might have led to a reputation of being crazy back then. (That chick can't take a hint)

[SadandConfusedWA]

When I sniff rejection I shut down immediately.

 

Didn't used to, I used to chase in my younger years- but I think that might have led to a reputation of being crazy back then. (That chick can't take a hint)

 

 

When I sniff rejection from someone I am lukewarm about - I shut down to the extent where I won't even respond to any further contact.

 

When I really like someone (which happens once in a blue moon) unfortunately, I still chase just like I did in my younger years. The more distant he gets, the more I chase. I literally need to be told straight up that I am being rejected to stop. The really bizarre thing is once I am aware that I have "lost my dignity" with a guy, I feel like there is nothing left to lose which is how I justify my chasing. I think "he already thinks that I am a doormat, can't take a hint, possibly crazy - I might as well keep at it - I have gone beyond the point of no return".

[daphne]

Exactly right, Daphne!

 

I guess you could say that I've let go of my ego. Sure, I get disappointed sometimes when I get blown off, or when someone I like doesn't feel the same way, but I don't get hurt-hurt or let it affect how I feel about myself. If anything, I walk away from each situation feeling even better about myself because I know I spoke up for myself and what I want while handling myself gracefully.

 

Everyone gets disappointed. But your approach, I believe, is the best way to handle things so as not to create a self fulfilling prophecy. It's positive in nature, and confident - not coming from a place of neediness or fear. That in itself can be attractive. You know what you want, and if the guy doesn't want you you're not going to wallow. Next. As it should be for any woman worth her salt.

 

Also, I do not pursue but communication is not pursuit. I get my information and I deal with it accordingly. Information is power.

[Star Gazer]

Everyone gets disappointed. But your approach, I believe, is the best way to handle things so as not to create a self fulfilling prophecy. It's positive in nature, and confident - not coming from a place of neediness or fear. That in itself can be attractive. You know what you want, and if the guy doesn't want you you're not going to wallow. Next. As it should be for any woman worth her salt.

 

Also, I do not pursue but communication is not pursuit. I get my information and I deal with it accordingly. Information is power.

 

Thanks, Daphne. I agree.

 

I also don't think communication of the type I suggested is chasing.

[Star Gazer]

When I sniff rejection from someone I am lukewarm about - I shut down to the extent where I won't even respond to any further contact.

 

When I'm lukewarm, I could usually care less, and I don't ask/inquire. But I don't "shut down" either. That suggests an emotional wall I just don't have.

[sanskrit]

Depends on whether there is a legitimate life excuse that I can verify or feel certain is not just a brushoff. Also depends on whether their pulling back is due to other prospects or to something else, like something I may have done but not realized that caused offense.

 

If it's due to a perception of greener grass on their part, will just move on to other prospects. If due to something I've done, or a perception they may have gotten of me, it's worth talking about to make sure there is no misunderstanding mucking things up, or to apologize if I've really done something wrong and not realized it.

[Star Gazer]

If it's due to a perception of greener grass on their part, will just move on to other prospects. If due to something I've done, or a perception they may have gotten of me, it's worth talking about to make sure there is no misunderstanding mucking things up, or to apologize if I've really done something wrong and not realized it.

 

You keep talking about your perception, and how your perception will determine your course of action. Miscommunication can result in many different misperceptions. Regardless of what your perception is, why wouldn't you do something to verify that perception... Like, I dunno, talking about it? Why do you only talk about it if your perception is one thing and not another??

[sanskrit]

You keep talking about your perception, and how your perception will determine your course of action.

 

No, read again, I said -their- perception that there is greener grass, or that I'm not at the top of the stack, not -my- perception of anything. It's easy to tell after a certain amount of experience that you aren't top dog in someone's prospect list, whether there is a "Mr. Big" in the woodpile or whether you -are- the Mr. Big. At that point, it's case-by-case, move on or decide if it's worth the effort to move yourself up the stack.

 

Have dated several women from the net who readily admit that they keep a SPREADSHEET of all the men they date, complete with rankings, and the recent Duke brouhaha with the woman who slept with and ranked the athletes bears this out as being rather common with desirable women today.

 

And I will readily talk to them to find out where I stand, and don't mind them asking where they stand with me after a few dates, it usually doesn't get to that point and is obvious without any talking points either way. Don't think I implied otherwise.

[allina]

Degrading is a pretty harsh word!

 

IME, what I may perceive to be a blow off might be anything but. The world doesn't revolve around me, right? So why should his life, particularly at the beginning?? *shrug*

 

It's not like I wait days or weeks of not hearing before I broach the subject. It's usually right on the heels of some event which triggered those blow off feelings. And if I get silence or some hemming and hawing, I can easily laugh it off. Like, okay dude.

 

But I've incorrectly assumed enough times to know better than to always assume the worst. Call me an optimist in that way. Hasn't hurt me yet.

 

It is a harsh word and I stick by it.

 

I strongly believe that a connection or contact should never be asked for or forced. By asking, I think that you often get in a situation where the guy says "oh ok" to continuing dating or seeing you. Personally, I want the spark and the desire, and won't settle for a situation where interest has to be asked about.

 

And SG, I believe that while your outlook may be optimistic in your eyes, it has hurt you.

[Star Gazer]

And SG, I believe that while your outlook may be optimistic in your eyes, it has hurt you.

 

How do you know? You're totally wrong. Really.

 

I recently asked this question (posed as a statement, really) and the response didn't hurt me in the slightest (despite it not being what I would have wanted to hear). The time before that, when I brought it up, I was glad I did because my perception was way off.

 

It's worked for me, honestly. Every single time.

 

And it's worked for the guys who've asked me as well.

[dispatch3d]

Don't you think that the guy in my example is being a d%ck for being blatantly dishonest?

 

(a) try being a guy

 

(b) You do this **** to guys all the time. You are dating two and only give one attention while you act all aloof with the other .

[allina]

How do you know? You're totally wrong. Really.

 

 

Ok.

 

(10 character limit)

[Pencil]

It really depends on how involved you two are.

I mean we've all had those friendships or connections which you somehow know are going nowhere, so when you're blowing off or being blown off, it's not such a big deal because there's almost no emotional investment.

 

On the other hand, more recently i had a friend who i was super close to the past 5 years, she lives far away from me so we were on the phone several times a week and I'd visit her a few times a year. She recently blew me off as "nicely" as possible and it still sucks. When I asked for an explanation, it basically boiled down to the fact that she's looking to move up and wants a "better" set of friends. When i figured that out I stopped feeling sad and felt relief instead.

Who wants fairweather friends?

[welikeincrowds]

I think I may be in a Mexican standoff at this point.

 

One the one hand, I should probably just give up. Signs seem to point to that. On the other hand, I don't like giving up on anything, unless I am certain that I tried my best, or that I don't care.

 

AGH, decisions. Considering the SG approach, although it may not be appropriate at this point.

[Star Gazer]

I think I may be in a Mexican standoff at this point.

 

One the one hand, I should probably just give up. Signs seem to point to that. On the other hand, I don't like giving up on anything, unless I am certain that I tried my best, or that I don't care.

 

AGH, decisions. Considering the SG approach, although it may not be appropriate at this point.

 

If you think you're in a standoff or think you're being blown off... What do you have to lose by inquiring? What do you stand to lose if you don't?

[counterman]

I just disappear. I don't do anything. I don't try to call them again or ask why.

 

I'm in a situation now where one of the girls I asked out has hinted that she wants me to ask her out again. I said "sure, let's do something", but I really don't know if I should follow up on that. I'm attracted to her but that attraction sort of diminished after remembering that she didn't accept my first invitation.

[dispatch3d]

I just disappear. I don't do anything. I don't try to call them again or ask why.

 

I'm in a situation now where one of the girls I asked out has hinted that she wants me to ask her out again. I said "sure, let's do something", but I really don't know if I should follow up on that. I'm attracted to her but that attraction sort of diminished after remembering that she didn't accept my first invitation.

 

for me personally I feel bitter and negative towards the flakes. Maybe do it just to be flaked on, so that you get desensitized to flaking? I feel like this is kind of a necessary thing to undergo. Getting used to flakes and really not caring. Half my problem is likely that I actually want to date them, so when they flake I still give a ****. I should be totally impartial so that I don't go through any emotional pain. Makes stuff easier.

[welikeincrowds]

If you think you're in a standoff or think you're being blown off... What do you have to lose by inquiring? What do you stand to lose if you don't?

 

Well in this case it comes down to my person indecision. I don't have enough conviction either way, so the result is that I'm just stagnating, and apparently she feels the same way as she is not calling me either.

 

I actually would prefer to PM you about it since it's a little off-topic, if you didn't mind. I don't know why this is so damn difficult for me to figure out on my own.

 

But generally, your questions lead in the right direction. The only con I can think of is that if you come off accusatory and you're also wrong, that could end up being the final nail.

[Star Gazer]

I actually would prefer to PM you about it since it's a little off-topic, if you didn't mind. I don't know why this is so damn difficult for me to figure out on my own.

 

Go for it. Just don't think I'm "not interested" in responding if I take a while to get back to you.

 

But generally, your questions lead in the right direction. The only con I can think of is that if you come off accusatory and you're also wrong, that could end up being the final nail.

 

The key is to not come off as accusatory. As long as you have a rational/reasonable basis to feel the way you do, state it as how you feel, rather than a question about their behavior and what it means, and you'll get an accurate response...IME, anyway.

[green_tea]

When I really like someone (which happens once in a blue moon) unfortunately, I still chase just like I did in my younger years. The more distant he gets, the more I chase. I literally need to be told straight up that I am being rejected to stop. The really bizarre thing is once I am aware that I have "lost my dignity" with a guy, I feel like there is nothing left to lose which is how I justify my chasing. I think "he already thinks that I am a doormat, can't take a hint, possibly crazy - I might as well keep at it - I have gone beyond the point of no return".

 

But that is just going to put him off you even more.. I hope you try to stop doing this. I did this once far and beyond the point of no return, and regret it, however it made me stronger and I'll never do it again at least.

[phineas]

I'm being blown off now sort of.

A female friend told me she wanted to date but was afraid of getting hurt & wanted to take things slow.

OK. but she avoids going on dates with me.

She just wants to hang out with others & talk on the phone every day.

 

When I ask her out i get all kinds of lame excuses.

I finally told her if she didn't start going on dates with me I'm going to date other women.

 

She claims she likes me, is attracted to me & wants to have sex with me but thinks she is bad luck when it comes to relationships & is afraid of loosing me.

 

She hadn't even kissed me as of last week & she pretty much had to or I was going to stop talking to her.

that was a 3 second kiss.

 

And after last weeks date I saw her again with other people & got a very quick kiss.

And now she is back to lame excuses & "busy" when I try to set up a date.

She doesn't even make an effort.

 

But she calls me every day & gets ass hurt if I can't talk to her.

 

If there isn't someone else then I probably made the mistake of being too available to her.

When we were just friends my renovation projects took precedence over her & anyone else.

 

When we got closer I made time for her BEFORE she really earned it.

 

So instead of just ignoring her & shutting down i'm going work on my house & not take phone calls like I used to.

 

If she wants to talk to me she can do it on our next date.