stillafool Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 You really need to learn how to drive. It really makes no sense why at your age you don't. It shouldn't always be on him. You don't know how to drive???? How did that happen?
Author tigressA Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 Does he know ? Props to you Tig.. your happiness is in your own hands and this is a move in the right direction. He has no clue. Because this isn't the first disappearing act he's pulled due to stress and whatnot (it's a habit of his) I am fairly certain he'll contact me when things die down. That's when I'm going to tell him I started moving on, and I will continue to--that I wish him the best but this is not what I signed up for, so I have to end it. Of course if he doesn't contact me, I'll have been moving on anyway. I admit, if he does contact me it'll be hard to resist falling into this all over again. The feelings I have for him are deeper than I thought they could be.
stillafool Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Because he won't talk to me! I didn't hear from him at all on Thursday even though I sent him a message on Facebook; he's been working all weekend but I told him last night when we were on the phone for only a few minutes (he was still at the office) that I really wanted to talk to him more later, it was important, and he said he'd "try", that he's "really busy". And I didn't hear from him at all. I had called him again much later last night when I was drunk and he didn't answer, I left a message, and I still haven't heard anything from him! :mad: This is not good. If I had asked a bf the above and told him it was important and he didn't get back to me that day, I wouldn't bother calling him again. It seems he isn't as invested in the relationship as you or he would have at least called you back. You did say it was important. Also the the fact that he was away for 3 weeks, he should be raring to see you. Stop with the drunk messages as I've heard guys say drunk women turn them off.
Art_Critic Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 I admit, if he does contact me it'll be hard to resist falling into this all over again. The feelings I have for him are deeper than I thought they could be. That's the reason I asked.. you could be setting yourself up when he does contact you and begs for a 2nd chance, which of course would land you right back in the same spot. Are you banking on him calling you so you can leverage the breakup and the fact you are moving on to get him to make some valiant effort to keep you ?
Author tigressA Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 That's the reason I asked.. you could be setting yourself up when he does contact you and begs for a 2nd chance, which of course would land you right back in the same spot. Are you banking on him calling you so you can leverage the breakup and the fact you are moving on to get him to make some valiant effort to keep you ? No...it is tempting, of course. I don't want to lie and say it isn't. But I know that even if he would make a valiant effort, after not too long things would fall into the same pattern. Who knows, perhaps he was planning on ending things and avoiding me is his way of letting me know it's over. Perhaps he actually beat me to the punch.
Art_Critic Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 No...it is tempting, of course. I don't want to lie and say it isn't. But I know that even if he would make a valiant effort, after not too long things would fall into the same pattern. To borrow an expression from an old timer LS'r.. 'Atta Girl...
Author tigressA Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 To borrow an expression from an old timer LS'r.. 'Atta Girl... I know that I've set a precedence. If I let him back into my life, even if I make him jump through hoops, he will still end up thinking that I will continue to allow him to treat me and our relationship the way he has been, and he will continue to try and get away with it. And if I hold him accountable, he can always just be rid of me as soon as he thinks I'm inconvenient to him. This is done...it's dead in the water.
allina Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 I'm sorry that things turned out this way T. Though I'm proud of you for moving on and walking away. It seems like this was becoming too much of an emotional roller coaster for you, and you don't need that sh*t. I do have to mention something I noticed though. You did sort of ignore the signs and you did ignore things he straight out told you. He was honest with you about not considering you his gf and his actions often back this up. It seems like your relationship had a cycle of you getting upset with him because you felt rejected (like when he signed off with "see ya" or didn't respond to the mushy email you sent him) and him doing some minor damage control to make you feel like maybe you over reacted and things were fine. I know that you tried to be understanding of his situation, but you deserve a relationship where you're clearly shown how important and worth it you are. You are sweet, loving and beautiful T, I know there are guys out there who would love to make you a priority.
threebyfate Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 You ladies are getting way to involved in this. Its probably best to get involved with a guy who makes an effort to see you or get in contact with you. Lastly, never make a guy chase you. If he's into you, he'll let you know. If you make him play the chase game and he falls for it, you're going to end up leaving him sooner or later anyways...I've already openly stated that my opinion is biased since IMO, this guy's a selfish prick and an arsehole. Had you bothered to follow along throughout her threads about this douchebag, a pattern of bad behaviour should have jumped out at you. Also, if you had read and comprehended my posts in this thread, the net advice was to ditch him like yesterday's paper. Hope that clarifies things for you since I can't be any more clear.
Crazy Magnet Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 I'm glad you were able to make the decision that was best for YOU. It's so hard to do that sometimes! I've actively watched this relationship from the beginning and it seems like this has become a very negative pattern with the breaking up and getting back together. I'd like to see you get a last conversation so you can have more closure but I know that doesn't always happen. From my perspective it looks likes he knows how he wants his life to be and he's expecting you to fit yourself within that life at his convenience rather than finding a mutually acceptable way to structure the relationship. I'm glad to see you get out rather than try to mold yourself to what he wants you to be. Sadly many people do that and end up miserable years down the road.
Jannah Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 I understand the points being made about Tigress and that she should have ended things face-to-face, and yes, that would have been best for both parties and also for Tigress in terms of what she has learned from this relationship. But, I also feel that in regards to her feeling less of a priority and his demonstration of that, she probably feels doing it in person isn't warranted. It's kind of like, you get what you put in, in terms of emotional investment. "C" controlled that throughout the course of their relationship, from what I have read, so she was pigeon holed either way. Which brings this back to the OP... You cannot convince a man who is not emotionally invested, to become emotionally invested. You can put yourself out there and pace yourself in terms of your own emotional investment. But, once the line is drawn, it's drawn. And, I think Tigress's line had reached it's crossing point.
Author tigressA Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 From my perspective it looks likes he knows how he wants his life to be and he's expecting you to fit yourself within that life at his convenience rather than finding a mutually acceptable way to structure the relationship. I'm glad to see you get out rather than try to mold yourself to what he wants you to be. Sadly many people do that and end up miserable years down the road. I think that very well could be what he thought, but really we were both at fault--me because I failed to effectively communicate my needs. I basically fell into line with him and then began to resent it at turns, threatening to end things...not a positive pattern. With his issues though, I doubt he'll find a happy relationship unless he goes back to his own country to find a woman, or happens to come across one anywhere else with such low self-esteem that she'll willingly be subjugated by him. It sounds egotistical, but I doubt he'll have it as good as he did with me, at least not for some time. I was more than willing to prioritize him. I cared about him. I don't think he'll ever know how much. Even if he does know, clearly he doesn't care.
threebyfate Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 I think that very well could be what he thought, but really we were both at fault--me because I failed to effectively communicate my needs. I basically fell into line with him and then began to resent it at turns, threatening to end things...not a positive pattern.But you did communicate your needs with the b/f and g/f discussion. What disturbs me is that you had to even do this, amongst other times. With his issues though, I doubt he'll find a happy relationship unless he goes back to his own country to find a woman, or happens to come across one anywhere else with such low self-esteem that she'll willingly be subjugated by him. It sounds egotistical, but I doubt he'll have it as good as he did with me, at least not for some time. I was more than willing to prioritize him. I cared about him. I don't think he'll ever know how much. Even if he does know, clearly he doesn't care.Cultural issues aside, most women KNOW when a man prioritizes them or if he doesn't. It appears to me that regardless how much he cares about you, he has major control issues, issues that create negative dynamics between the two of you. My honest opinion is that half the time, he's oblivious to your needs and the other half of the time when he is aware, finds a way to use it to his advantage. That's bad long-term partner material.
Author tigressA Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 It appears to me that regardless how much he cares about you, he has major control issues, issues that create negative dynamics between the two of you. My honest opinion is that half the time, he's oblivious to your needs and the other half of the time when he is aware, finds a way to use it to his advantage. That's bad long-term partner material. There were definitely instances where he showed he cared, where he showed he was invested...but now that I think about it, it was at his convenience. It wasn't consistent. I do think if he didn't have such issues with control he would've made an ideal partner. But he's the one who has to realize that something is wrong and change it. Until then no one will be happy with him. And he'll be left wondering why he can't find a nice girl to be with. I kind of feel sorry for him.
Author tigressA Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 So the sadness is starting to settle in. I knew this "I'm fine" thing would be temporary. Fighting the urge to contact him. I keep telling myself that I don't want his crumbs...that I deserve much much more than what he was ever willing to give me. That helps.
threebyfate Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Stay strong tigress. You've contacted him enough and he's chosen to withdraw without considering your feelings. Selfish.
John018 Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Until then no one will be happy with him. And he'll be left wondering why he can't find a nice girl to be with. Since he's of Indian origin I highly doubt he'll end up alone. If he can't get a girl to date him long term her could just get his parents to find him a girl to arrange to marry. Maybe that was his plan all along? His uncle's death may have made him think about what he really wanted in life. Continue dating western chicks or focus on his career and eventually get a nice Indian girl who will look after his kids at home while he makes himself a CEO or whatever.
Star Gazer Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 However, I honestly don't think he's a douchebag, or purposefully taking advantage of you, or deliberately being an *******. I think he really is just an unhappy, stressed, overworked man facing the possibility of his future being ruined if he failed in his work and was sent back to India, and coping with the death of a loved one. Yes, he let the relationship fall by the wayside while coping with all that, and yes, you do deserve better than that and should go get it. But don't you think there's a nicer, more compassionate way to end this? I dunno, an email, "I know you're going through a lot and I'm sorry, but this just isn't what I want out of a relationship so I have to end this"? I'm really starting to agree... A, he's going through this incredibly difficult time right now, and all you can think about is how it's affecting YOU. Does that seem fair to you?
Star Gazer Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Stay strong tigress. You've contacted him enough and he's chosen to withdraw without considering your feelings. Selfish. I'm not surprised that you're placing all the blame on the man. Isn't SHE be selfish as well?? There's a time and place for these discussions, and forcing him to address these issues on her time schedule doesn't really seem fair or mature.
threebyfate Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 I'm not surprised that you're placing all the blame on the man. Isn't SHE be selfish as well?? There's a time and place for these discussions, and forcing him to address these issues on her time schedule doesn't really seem fair or mature.There's no doubt you and I have varying expectations for the men or lack of men in our lives. I expect an equal partner. Not sure what you expect.
Author tigressA Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 I'm really starting to agree... A, he's going through this incredibly difficult time right now, and all you can think about is how it's affecting YOU. Does that seem fair to you? He's avoiding me with absolutely no explanation. He could just pick up the phone or email me or something and say, "Look, I'm sorry but I just am dealing with a lot and I need time away from you" but NO, he couldn't be bothered to do that. He is completely disregarding me. He's expecting me to read his mind and just know that I should stay away until he comes around again. He's not worth my consideration.
Star Gazer Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 There's no doubt you and I have varying expectations for the men or lack of men in our lives. I expect an equal partner. Not sure what you expect. Don't make this personal by comparing our respective expectations for the men in our lives. This is about A. A isn't treating C as she'd expect to be treated under the same circumstances. Can you imagine if A was going through the same thing? Stressed, overworked, facing the possibility of her future being ruined if she failed in her work and was sent back to her home country, all while coping with the death of a loved one while under all that pressure? And while experiencing that, getting a sort of demand that she address C's concerns right now about their relationship? Is he really an arse? Is he really selfish?? NO.
USMCHokie Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 He's avoiding me with absolutely no explanation. He could just pick up the phone or email me or something and say, "Look, I'm sorry but I just am dealing with a lot and I need time away from you" but NO, he couldn't be bothered to do that. He is completely disregarding me. He's expecting me to read his mind and just know that I should stay away until he comes around again. He's not worth my consideration. Hmmm...this reminds me of the pouty little boy who just sits there and crosses his arms, lets out a "hmph," and refuses to say a word...
threebyfate Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Don't make this personal by comparing our respective expectations for the men in our lives. This is about A. I'm not surprised that you're placing all the blame on the man.Practice what you preach. Next time, cut the personal crap or you're going to get it back in spades. I'm really sick and tired of your competitiveness. Understand that I honestly don't see you as competition. A isn't treating C as she'd expect to be treated under the same circumstances. Can you imagine if A was going through the same thing? Stressed, overworked, facing the possibility of her future being ruined if she failed in her work and was sent back to her home country, all while coping with the death of a loved one while under all that pressure? And while experiencing that, getting a sort of demand that she address C's concerns right now about their relationship? Is he really an arse? Is he really selfish?? NO.So you find it acceptable behaviour to ignore calls, even when your purported SO has expressed concern about your life in their voicemail? This isn't acceptable behaviour by any stretch of the imagination.
Star Gazer Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 He's avoiding me with absolutely no explanation. He could just pick up the phone or email me or something and say, "Look, I'm sorry but I just am dealing with a lot and I need time away from you" but NO, he couldn't be bothered to do that. He is completely disregarding me. He's expecting me to read his mind and just know that I should stay away until he comes around again. He's not worth my consideration. He didn't avoid you. He said he was busy and overwhelmed. In response, you told him you wanted to talk to him about something important (no doubt relationship oriented, he's not stupid). He said he'd try. Read between the lines, A. He's not up for that "talk" right now. He said he'd try, but clearly having a drama-filled (you yourself said EVERYTHING about your relationship is full of drama) relationship talk not his priority right now. Can you blame him?? Fine. He's not meeting your needs. But it's understandable given what he's going through, right? Just stop making him out to be the bad guy. He's not. Neither are you.
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