The End.

[Kamille]

Make a list of grievances and then figure out which ones are more important to you and or which ones are more likely to improve how you feel in the relationship. Pick two things and start with those. Rome wasn't built in a day.

 

 

 

I feel like things have been piling up and that it might seem selfish, in the face of things, to assert myself. But I'm not happy and I really am unsure I can deal with this, even if it's temporary.

 

 

Yes, me again with another chapter of my favorite topic on your threads: My wonderful therapist. She pointed out that the moments when I failed to assert myself were the moment I was being the most self-centered. I did it to make sure people liked me, but this often meant keeping the other person in the dark about relevant information that would help them get to know me better. In other words, while I thought I was being self-less by not speaking up about my needs, I was actually trying to exert control over my relationships by keeping my feelings to myself.

 

I was shocked when she first said it, but now realize how much sense it makes.

 

I think you did the same thing. You kept your feelings and needs to yourself as a way to exert control over the relationship. Now's the time to change that. Yes, speaking up for your needs means allowing yourself to be vulnerable and giving the other person the right to make decisions you might not like. But the long-term reward, meeting someone with whom you are truly compatible and being in a fulfilling relationship, is worth it.

[tigressA]

Make a list of grievances and then figure out which ones are more important to you and or which ones are more likely to improve how you feel in the relationship. Pick two things and start with those. Rome wasn't built in a day.

 

Okay, two things--well, the only things.

 

--I don't feel like he cares much about me/makes me a priority. Basically I feel like he could "take me or leave me".

--I don't think we see each other as often as we could.

[Jannah]

Okay, two things--well, the only things.

 

--I don't feel like he cares much about me/makes me a priority. Basically I feel like he could "take me or leave me".

--I don't think we see each other as often as we could.

 

Of course this is important. And, I haven't read all of your threads...

 

But, from what I have read, you mentioned he asked you to be exclusive.

 

You also mentioned how he is coming to see you each week versus the two of you seeing each other every two weeks.

 

At this stage, what more would you like to see from him in terms of commitment? Meaning, what would be sufficient spending time together-wise, where you would feel like more of a priority to him?

[Kamille]

Okay, two things--well, the only things.

 

--I don't feel like he cares much about me/makes me a priority. Basically I feel like he could "take me or leave me".

--I don't think we see each other as often as we could.

 

Good news, point 2 is a solution to point 1. As in, I feel like I'm not a priority. I would feel like more of a priority if we could see each other more often.

 

So, you never ever discussed the "I don't feel like a priority" feeling with him? This means you'll need to back up emotionally. Remind yourself he has no idea and give him a chance to respond and offer solutions of his own.

 

 

At this stage, what more would you like to see from him in terms of commitment? Meaning, what would be sufficient spending time together-wise, where you would feel like more of a priority to him?

 

That's a good way to approach things. Figure out a few solutions of your own. BUT, make sure you give him room to offer solutions. I've always been surprised at how much easier my relationship got once I let bf come up with some of the solutions to what I perceived as "my issues".

[tigressA]

At this stage, what more would you like to see from him in terms of commitment? Meaning, what would be sufficient spending time together-wise, where you would feel like more of a priority to him?

 

I still have to discuss it with him, of course, but I was thinking that even if he has to work on weekends I could go down once in awhile anyway, and we would at least have the evenings together. I don't really know the nature of his job, but if it were possible he could schedule/reschedule things, like f*cking overseas teleconference calls (!) for a night that ISN'T the one he promised me each week, so we can have a whole night instead of just 2 measly hours.

 

A big reason why I feel less-than-important to him is the way he talks sometimes. He tends to make driving up to see me seem like a big burden on him, even though he's the one who suggests it more often than not...I already feel guilty about pretty much all the share of that being on him. And like I said earlier, I would drive down every night to see him if I could, and I would never, ever make it sound like a burden. It wouldn't be that to me at all. He always mentions how long the drive is and such. That makes me feel like a chore instead of someone he's excited to see.

Edited November 7, 2010 by tigressA

[Jannah]

Good news, point 2 is a solution to point 1. As in, I feel like I'm not a priority. I would feel like more of a priority if we could see each other more often.

 

So, you never ever discussed the "I don't feel like a priority" feeling with him? This means you'll need to back up emotionally. Remind yourself he has no idea and give him a chance to respond and offer solutions of his own.

 

 

 

That's a good way to approach things. Figure out a few solutions of your own. BUT, make sure you give him room to offer solutions. I've always been surprised at how much easier my relationship got once I let bf come up with some of the solutions to what I perceived as "my issues".

 

Thanks. I like a lot of your points too, I read them quite often.

 

I still have to discuss it with him, of course, but I was thinking that even if he has to work on weekends I could go down once in awhile anyway, and we would at least have the evenings together. I don't really know the nature of his job, but if it were possible he could schedule/reschedule things, like f*cking overseas teleconference calls (!) for a night that ISN'T the one he promised me each week, so we can have a whole night instead of just 2 measly hours.

 

A big reason why I feel less-than-important to him is the way he talks sometimes. He tends to make driving up to see me seem like a big burden on him, even though he's the one who suggests it more often than not...He always mentions how long the drive is and such. That makes me feel like a chore instead of someone he's excited to see.

 

I didn't realize you only spend two hours with each other on the night that you see him. That must be hard on you.

 

Your last paragraph, would not make me feel good either, I do not think it would make any one feel good. Especially since the time you do have with each other, is not that often.

[tigressA]

I didn't realize you only spend two hours with each other on the night that you see him. That must be hard on you.

 

Your last paragraph, would not make me feel good either, I do not think it would make any one feel good. Especially since the time you do have with each other, is not that often.

 

Yeah, this was the first week we tried out that new every-Wednesday arrangement, and he has a #$^#$%^@#$%$@%@#$%@^ overseas conference call that same night at 11 for work! He was only here for 2 hours! I am not going to stand for that every single week! If that's all he's prepared to offer me then he can just stay the f*ck home!

 

And the last point: I know, I really wonder how it would make him feel if I were the one doing the driving and I talked about it to him like he does. I already feel guilty enough, and that just makes me feel worse.

[tigressA]

I just thought of another solution...if he knows he has to do something on a Wednesday night and can't stay the whole time, or can't leave work until really late, then we could just reschedule our date for another evening during the week, when he would be more free.

[Jannah]

I just thought of another solution...if he knows he has to do something on a Wednesday night and can't stay the whole time, or can't leave work until really late, then we could just reschedule our date for another evening during the week, when he would be more free.

 

Or.......The next time you're at his house, you could disconnect his webcam so he can't do his business call and then you can jump on top of him and make whoopies. :bunny:

[tigressA]

Or.......The next time you're at his house, you could disconnect his webcam so he can't do his business call and then you can jump on top of him and make whoopies. :bunny:

 

Heh, I wish...ugh, I haven't had sex in more than 6 weeks. The most action I got when I saw him Wednesday was a few hugs and a kiss.

[Els]

Tigress, I typically refrain from advising people what to do in their relationships; I prefer to help them make their own decision instead.

 

However, from reading your later posts in your previous thread and in this, this part just jumps out at me:

 

"I feel like I'm dealing with issues that come up in serious relationships, but we've only been together for several months, and I don't even know if he is very serious about me, so it's like...what's the point? Why should I bother supporting him while he goes through this stuff that's got him stressed and depressed, why should I bother hoping things get better between us in the future, while he doesn't even seem concerned with what's going on with us in the present?"

 

If this is truly how you feel: ie it isn't worth it, I think you know the answer to your dilemma already. Although I concur with the other posters: Why not talk to him and give him a chance first?

[tigressA]

If this is truly how you feel: ie it isn't worth it, I think you know the answer to your dilemma already. Although I concur with the other posters: Why not talk to him and give him a chance first?

 

I WOULD talk to him if he would stop f*cking avoiding me...I just called him and he didn't pick up, AGAIN...so I left a voicemail, AGAIN. If I don't hear from him at all this weekend I think I'm going to just cut him off completely. This behavior is totally rude and uncalled for. :mad::mad::mad:

[tigressA]

There's no excuse for this. He's being a total ******* by not answering his phone. That's it. I'm done. So DONE!

[northern_sky]

There's no excuse for this. He's being a total ******* by not answering his phone. That's it. I'm done. So DONE!

 

honestly, I don't blame you. I'm impressed that you're strong enough to actually end things. I would be immensely frustrated but till put up with this bad behavior, hoping things would change (and of course they wouldn't).

[tigressA]

honestly, I don't blame you. I'm impressed that you're strong enough to actually end things. I would be immensely frustrated but till put up with this bad behavior, hoping things would change (and of course they wouldn't).

 

This is unacceptable. I talked to him last night for a few minutes (again, after I called him); why can he suddenly not answer his phone now? Sure he's swamped with work but he damn well could've called after he was done last night, particularly when I said I wanted to talk to him more and that it was IMPORTANT. I called twice today, left two messages, and he still hasn't called back. If he needed space he should've just told me and I would've let him alone until he came around but instead he just chose to ignore me. How incredibly immature.

[D-Lish]

Stop calling him Tig. Stop being the one to reach out to him.

 

You're a beautiful girl, You always have such sexy avatars, a girl that looks like you do doesn't have to chase after a guy to get his attention.

[threebyfate]

Control games. He doesn't want to deal with your anger and is also punishing you in a passive-aggressive way.

 

My opinion is biased. I think he's an arsehole.

[Kamille]

stop calling him tig. Stop being the one to reach out to him.

 

You're a beautiful girl, you always have such sexy avatars, a girl that looks like you do doesn't have to chase after a guy to get his attention.

 

+1000

_________

[tigressA]

Now I don't know how to end it. Should I wait until he talks to me again and tell him it's over because he was being a f*cking a**hole by ignoring me and I refuse to put up with that? Or should I just cut off all avenues of contact now and not look back?

[tigressA]

Control games. He doesn't want to deal with your anger and is also punishing you in a passive-aggressive way.

 

My opinion is biased. I think he's an arsehole.

 

I didn't even come off angry in the messages I left, at least I don't think so. I let him know I was concerned for him and that I just wanted to know if things were okay. I didn't even mention needing to talk to him about the other stuff. THAT'S what pisses me off even more. I express concern about him and he's still ignoring me!

 

That's it. I don't even care what he thinks. I'm blocking all contact. Skype, e-mail, Facebook. Now.

[threebyfate]

I didn't even come off angry in the messages I left, at least I don't think so. I let him know I was concerned for him and that I just wanted to know if things were okay. I didn't even mention needing to talk to him about the other stuff. THAT'S what pisses me off even more. I express concern about him and he's still ignoring me!

 

That's it. I don't even care what he thinks. I'm blocking all contact. Skype, e-mail, Facebook. Now.

I have a strong hunch that he'll contact you again. When, is the question.

 

I wouldn't block him. Let him call you and let the call go to voicemail. There will be some lame excuse. When this happens, come back to LS with his excuse and perhaps we can come up with some ideas for responses or non-responses.

 

He's got way too much power in your relationship and straight up, he's a selfish prick.

[D-Lish]

I didn't even come off angry in the messages I left, at least I don't think so. I let him know I was concerned for him and that I just wanted to know if things were okay. I didn't even mention needing to talk to him about the other stuff. THAT'S what pisses me off even more. I express concern about him and he's still ignoring me!

 

That's it. I don't even care what he thinks. I'm blocking all contact. Skype, e-mail, Facebook. Now.

 

 

If you do it, you have to mean it. Make sure you mean it.

 

I personally think you're doing the right thing. I don't think this guy deserves you.

[D-Lish]

I have a strong hunch that he'll contact you again. When, is the question.

 

I wouldn't block him. Let him call you and let the call go to voicemail. There will be some lame excuse. When this happens, come back to LS with his excuse and perhaps we can come up with some ideas for responses or non-responses.

 

He's got way too much power in your relationship and straight up, he's a selfish prick.

 

I feel the same!

[tigressA]

I have a strong hunch that he'll contact you again. When, is the question.

 

I wouldn't block him. Let him call you and let the call go to voicemail. There will be some lame excuse. When this happens, come back to LS with his excuse and perhaps we can come up with some ideas for responses or non-responses.

 

He's got way too much power in your relationship and straight up, he's a selfish prick.

 

I already uninstalled Skype (he was my only contact on there), blocked him on my Gmail, and defriended him from Facebook. He can still call me; I can't block phone numbers.

[threebyfate]

I already uninstalled Skype (he was my only contact on there), blocked him on my Gmail, and defriended him from Facebook. He can still call me; I can't block phone numbers.

If at all possible, undo what you've done. What you don't want to do is to give him any inkling of where you stand. Leave the path wide open for contact so he's guessing what you're thinking.

 

I feel the same!

Yup. She's been pretzeling for him and he throws her crumbs and makes her grateful for them, while at the same time, making her feel that her needs are burdensome to him. Smooth operator.