The End.

[tigressA]

I'm not even 100% decided on ending my relationship with C (far from it), yet I still feel like it may be the best thing.

 

I'm in the process of deciding how generous I should be. Should I wait to be able to talk with him? If I don't hear from him in a certain amount of time (and that includes responding to my efforts at contact), say within 24 hours, is an email sufficient? Is it okay to just cut him off with no explanation and move on after 24 hours of no contact?

 

I'm also working on convincing myself that the ache in my stomach is just because I'm anxious to get it over with, and not because this isn't something I want to do without first seeing if things can be worked out.

[northern_sky]

why are you ending it?

[tigressA]

My needs aren't being met. I've failed to assert my needs, so he doesn't even know what's wrong and that I've been thinking like this the last few days. I am also questioning if the distance between us is not more trouble than it's worth.

[Woggle]

He can't meet your needs if he does not know what they are. Don't fall into this trap of expecting a man to read your mind.

[Nemicron]

What sorta needs? Like sexually or emotional?

[Nemicron]

Yea I totally agree. You kinda gotta be more clear. If your not even telling him what you want. Is that really fair?

 

He can't meet your needs if he does not know what they are. Don't fall into this trap of expecting a man to read your mind.

[northern_sky]

so why not assert your needs first and see what happens rather than preemptively end things when you don't even know if he's incapable of meeting them?

[tigressA]

What sorta needs? Like sexually or emotional?

 

Well, we're long-distance (only an hour's drive one way, but he's the only one who drives). We used to see each other every other weekend, but since he came back from his 3-week vacation he's been swamped with work; he's going to have to work weekends on an indefinite basis. He said he would drive up every Wednesday in lieu of weekends. He's dealing with a close death in the family so has also been rather distant emotionally. I feel like things have been piling up and that it might seem selfish, in the face of things, to assert myself. But I'm not happy and I really am unsure I can deal with this, even if it's temporary.

 

I feel like I'm dealing with issues that come up in serious relationships, but we've only been together for several months, and I don't even know if he is very serious about me, so it's like...what's the point? Why should I bother supporting him while he goes through this stuff that's got him stressed and depressed, why should I bother hoping things get better between us in the future, while he doesn't even seem concerned with what's going on with us in the present?

Edited November 6, 2010 by tigressA

[aerogurl87]

Well, we're long-distance (only an hour's drive one way, but he's the only one who drives). We used to see each other every other weekend, but since he came back from his 3-week vacation he's been swamped with work; he's going to have to work weekends on an indefinite basis. He said he would drive up every Wednesday in lieu of weekends. He's dealing with a close death in the family so has also been rather distant emotionally. I feel like things have been piling up and that it might seem selfish, in the face of things, to assert myself. But I'm not happy and I really am unsure I can deal with this, even if it's temporary.

 

I feel like I'm dealing with issues that come up in serious relationships, but we've only been together for several months, and I don't even know if he is very serious about me, so it's like...what's the point? Why should I bother supporting him while he goes through this stuff that's got him stressed and depressed, why should I bother hoping things get better between us in the future, while he doesn't even seem concerned with what's going on with us in the present?

 

A hour's drive is really nothing in the grand scheme of things. Also he's stressed and someone he knows just died, do you honestly expect him to be all happy and be all about you? I think not. Right now he's in emotional hell probably and he wants you to be there for him. Even if you weren't his girlfriend, a decent friend would in the least want to be there for their friend when they're going through something like this.

 

You are being selfish and if you want to have a healthy long relationship you're going to have to put an end to this type of behaviour. Stop focusing on yourself for a moment and put yourself in his shoes. What would you want from someone you'd been with for a few months if you were going through what he's going through? When you come to an answer try and be that for him and actually talk to him about how you feel. Relationships require communication and endurance. But if you're not willing to communicate then yes it is best for you to end things until you figure out how to communicate efficiently and find someone you actually want to be with even when things aren't going so great.

[Green]

To call some one who lives an hour drive away long distance is really funny considering MANY people work jobs that involve driving an hour or over each way.

 

I seem to think you are hoping this break up will snap him into shape... but really all I hear is YOU not speaking your mind to him... and him having a lot of work an a seriouse death in the family. If a girl pulled the old WE BREAK UP so we can talk it would piss me off and could go either way.

 

You really need to learn how to drive. It really makes no sense why at your age you don't. It shouldn't always be on him.

[tigressA]

You really need to learn how to drive. It really makes no sense why at your age you don't. It shouldn't always be on him.

 

And that's why I have been learning...

 

Anyway, Aero, you bring up some good points. I have been selfish in my thinking. I've tried to be there for him though and it's like he doesn't want it. I tried to contact him several times and while he picked up the phone earlier in the evening yesterday, he didn't have much time to talk because he was still in the office. There's nothing I can do except wait for him to talk to me. I can't just go to where he lives and wait for him to come home and force him to talk to me or something. I wanted to talk to him but he's just...avoiding me.

[tigressA]

A hour's drive is really nothing in the grand scheme of things.

 

This is a point I just realized is really important. It is nothing, isn't it? But he acts like it's something! Granted, he has a pretty demanding job and whatnot, but even before his vacation we very well could've spent a hell of a lot more time together than every other weekend. IF I had been important enough to him, IF he had really wanted to spend time with me, he would've made more effort...it wouldn't have even been a question. That's what I keep telling myself. I've told him so many times that it sucks that I don't get to see him more, why don't we work out something where we can see each other more? But nothing ever happens.

[Green]

This is a point I just realized is really important. It is nothing, isn't it? But he acts like it's something! Granted, he has a pretty demanding job and whatnot, but even before his vacation we very well could've spent a hell of a lot more time together than every other weekend. IF I had been important enough to him, IF he had really wanted to spend time with me, he would've made more effort...it wouldn't have even been a question. That's what I keep telling myself. I've told him so many times that it sucks that I don't get to see him more, why don't we work out something where we can see each other more? But nothing ever happens.

 

K well maybe breaking up is the right thing. but yeah an hour is nothing... but I would and have got anoyed dating girls and hour away who are never willing to return the favor and take turns visiting me. (I realize you can't drive but still it would be anoying)

 

Maybe he's not the right guy for you. I suggest talking to him about how you are very unhappy instead of turning it into a talk about how you want to break up. Because it doesn't sound like you actualy want to break up yet. Obviously if you are talking about being unhappy it doesn't have to be a break up talk but can be more of a what can we do to fix this. He is probably unhappy about some stuff too.

[tigressA]

K well maybe breaking up is the right thing. but yeah an hour is nothing... but I would and have got anoyed dating girls and hour away who are never willing to return the favor and take turns visiting me. (I realize you can't drive but still it would be anoying)

 

Maybe he's not the right guy for you. I suggest talking to him about how you are very unhappy instead of turning it into a talk about how you want to break up. Because it doesn't sound like you actualy want to break up yet. Obviously if you are talking about being unhappy it doesn't have to be a break up talk but can be more of a what can we do to fix this. He is probably unhappy about some stuff too.

 

Actually, we had worked out something where I found my own way there Friday evening--he only had to pick me up just a few minutes from where he lives--and then he would drive me back himself on Sunday. So that did take the load off him somewhat. And if I were fully mobile myself I totally would've just driven down there and back every night, even if I could only be there for an hour or two. That's how much I liked him. I wouldn't have cared. I wouldn't have seen it as a burden.

[Green]

Actually, we had worked out something where I found my own way there Friday evening--he only had to pick me up just a few minutes from where he lives--and then he would drive me back himself on Sunday. So that did take the load off him somewhat. And if I were fully mobile myself I totally would've just driven down there and back every night, even if I could only be there for an hour or two. That's how much I liked him. I wouldn't have cared. I wouldn't have seen it as a burden.

 

well u obviously don't want to break up with him unless things continue this way so just tell him how u feel with out the threat of break up so u can have a real talk

[LittleTiger]

Actually, we had worked out something where I found my own way there Friday evening--he only had to pick me up just a few minutes from where he lives--and then he would drive me back himself on Sunday. So that did take the load off him somewhat. And if I were fully mobile myself I totally would've just driven down there and back every night, even if I could only be there for an hour or two. That's how much I liked him. I wouldn't have cared. I wouldn't have seen it as a burden.

 

OK, so finally we get some information about how you really feel about this guy. So now, tell me, why are you sharing all of this with a bunch of strangers on the internet instead of talking to him?

 

If your needs aren't being met and are not likely to be met in the foreseeable future then, yes, you should end it (if you're absolutely sure it's what you want), but not without discussing things with him first. If you don't tell him how you really feel and give him a chance to do the same then you're taking the cowards way out.

 

How would you feel if a guy you were dating suddenly pulled the plug without giving you any warning or reason?

 

C'mon Tigress, you have more b*lls than that, surely?

 

Not to mention there may be a way of sorting this situation so that you get more of what you need. Imagine making a unilateral decision and then finding out that, actually, he was in love with you all along and would have bent over backwards for you - if only he'd known!

[tigressA]

OK, so finally we get some information about how you really feel about this guy. So now, tell me, why are you sharing all of this with a bunch of strangers on the internet instead of talking to him?

 

Because he won't talk to me! I didn't hear from him at all on Thursday even though I sent him a message on Facebook; he's been working all weekend but I told him last night when we were on the phone for only a few minutes (he was still at the office) that I really wanted to talk to him more later, it was important, and he said he'd "try", that he's "really busy". And I didn't hear from him at all. I had called him again much later last night when I was drunk and he didn't answer, I left a message, and I still haven't heard anything from him! :mad:

Edited November 6, 2010 by tigressA

[LittleTiger]

Because he won't talk to me!

 

Sorry, Tigress, I meant generally - not now specifically. It seems to me that you've reached this point because you two are not communicating and this isn't the first time you have talked about bailing out without talking to him first.

 

When things aren't going smoothly in this relationship you post on LS before you talk to him. You have admitted to dramatising everything in your relationships and posting on LS seems to be an extension of that.

 

I agree that he's being a jerk right now by not contacting you. I'd be mad as hell. However, it took both of you to get to this point. All I'm saying is talk to him before you end it.

 

You obviously have very strong feelings for this guy - maybe you even love him. Won't you regret it if you don't at least make one last attempt to sort things out? What have you got to lose?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Whatever you decide you need to say to him, PLEASE make sure you do it verbally and NOT through an email or text. Your relationship is valuable enough to warrant that, even if it is going to be over.

 

I have followed your relationship with C here, and it sounds like you two really have something. I hope you don't really have to end it.

[tigressA]

I agree that he's being a jerk right now by not contacting you. I'd be mad as hell. However, it took both of you to get to this point. All I'm saying is talk to him before you end it.

 

You obviously have very strong feelings for this guy - maybe you even love him. Won't you regret it if you don't at least make one last attempt to sort things out? What have you got to lose?

 

I guess I will...I just have this feeling like I may as well end it because I know he doesn't feel like I do. I don't know how I know; I never asked him, I just FEEL it in my gut. And I feel like it would be best to end it on my own terms so I don't have to hear him tell me I don't mean a whole lot to him, because that would make me feel even more sad.

Edited November 6, 2010 by tigressA

[Ruby Slippers]

My needs aren't being met. I've failed to assert my needs, so he doesn't even know what's wrong and that I've been thinking like this the last few days.

My advice is not to make an impulsive decision.

 

A good friend of mine just broke it off with her new flame, and last night she called to tell me that she deeply regrets it. She says the problem is that she never told him what wasn't working for her because she thinks deep down she was scared he wasn't into her enough to give it to her. A self-protective move that has only served to cut her off from the possibility of a good relationship.

 

She's called him a couple of times, but he hasn't responded, and today she's dropping by a meeting they were both invited to, to give him a heartfelt letter she wrote, with an apology and a plea to give her another chance. She says this way she will know she really tried to make it right, and she can live with that no matter how he responds.

 

Don't let yourself get to the point where you need to write a letter like this. Think it through, quit waffling, make a solid decision one way or the other, and COMMIT to your decision, either way -- in or out.

[TheMENemy]

I'm also working on convincing myself that the ache in my stomach is just because I'm anxious to get it over with, and not because this isn't something I want to do without first seeing if things can be worked out.

 

That's what Sigourney Weaver said too.

[xpaperxcutx]

I guess I will...I just have this feeling like I may as well end it because I know he doesn't feel like I do. I don't know how I know; I never asked him, I just FEEL it in my gut. And I feel like it would be best to end it on my own terms so I don't have to hear him tell me I don't mean a whole lot to him, because that would make me feel even more sad.

 

Aww, T, don't be rash and jump the gun. Right now, I think the relationship is at a crossroad- he's distant and you're emotionally attached.

 

I agree with everyone that you need to have a serious talk with him before you actually take that step. There has been too much miscommunication and there are still things that have been unsaid ( on your part).

[Girlygirl1977]

I don't post too much but I do lurk more often.

 

I've followed your story and tihs thread was relevant to me. I think it is a good idea to listen to the folks on here and discuss things with him first.

 

I know Ruby Slippers just gave an example, but right now I'm dealing with a situation myself. I did acually go down the path of trying to end things with someone without talking it over first. I definitely though for sure he was on board. This is still unfolding in real time so I don't know how it will all end. But when I spoke to him, I told him that it wasn't working out. He came back to want to work it out and so I then told him my issue (things he was doing to push me away and stall my feelings). For now, he seems to be adaptive so I'm watching it.

 

My main point is that in hindsight I would have not even considered he wanted to try. I think for that reason, you should lay things out (esp. as you haven't been doing that in real time).

 

I think the stress is of some of his life is why he is "avoiding" you.

 

Unrelated but just curious and wondering for your general development: What type of job do you have? I get the sense if you are 23 and don't drive, you may be limiting yourself (not as far as relationship) but are you maximizing who you can be at this early age post-college?

[tigressA]

Aww, T, don't be rash and jump the gun. Right now, I think the relationship is at a crossroad- he's distant and you're emotionally attached.

 

I agree with everyone that you need to have a serious talk with him before you actually take that step. There has been too much miscommunication and there are still things that have been unsaid ( on your part).

 

Yeah, I'll talk with him...once he quits avoiding me...

 

About the things that have been unsaid, it's funny because I feel afraid to say what I feel/think after awhile because I spend so much time acting like everything is okay. The truth will come out but because I acted like everything was fine before, it comes off as really dramatic and out of left field for him even though I'm calm, and he'll get annoyed. His annoyance makes me upset so I lash out, and then he gets upset too...I don't even know where to start in telling him how I've been feeling.