My husband cheated while I was pregnant - can't get over it...

[woinlove]

Well, I guess she will have to forgive him for the marriage to have a chance.

 

Just don't go calling the OW a "vile piece of trash". How disgusting is that?

 

Huh? Redlady said this woman assured her (the W) there was nothing to worry about and then continued to make advances to her husband by sending photos of herself. What do you think she should think of this woman? It's not like redlady has the positive history with this woman that she has with her H, who is now trying to redeem himself. The only side this woman has shown to redlady is the one which knowingly harmed redlady's family while lying and saying otherwise to her. Dismissing this woman as trash or whatever (who cares?), while focussing on how to move forward for herself and her baby, as well as focussing on her R with her H sounds like the right strategy.

[redlady]

Huh? Redlady said this woman assured her (the W) there was nothing to worry about and then continued to make advances to her husband by sending photos of herself. What do you think she should think of this woman? It's not like redlady has the positive history with this woman that she has with her H, who is now trying to redeem himself. The only side this woman has shown to redlady is the one which knowingly harmed redlady's family while lying and saying otherwise to her. Dismissing this woman as trash or whatever (who cares?), while focussing on how to move forward for herself and her baby, as well as focussing on her R with her H sounds like the right strategy.

 

woinlove - youre right, the fact that I have 16 years of history with my H (married for 3) and no history with the OW plays a part for sure. It's okay that she's upset about what I've called the woman...it's clear she's personalizing based on her own experiences. It might be best for her to steer clear of threads where the woman has been scorned because we will all likely think the same of her (really, 13 months you carried on with a MM?!?!).

 

At any rate, like I said, I'm here for advice on how to get over what has happened and how to stop obsessing about him touching her and being with her while I was here, falling apart at 7 1/2 months pregnant. A you mentioned, what I think of the woman is really irrelevant to the main situation. I was trying to give some background...

[redlady]

Well many hugs to you. That sounds very rough.

 

Some thoughts

First you are just through labor and healing. Hormonal imbalances or even PostPartumDepression, especially with such an emotional shock, is highly likely. So avoid making any big decision about divorce for at least a year.

 

Second if your husband's home life is as you describe it is possible that he was/is likely terrified about being a parent. So the continued counselling sounds like an excellent suggestion.

 

Third, I don't know if this was addressed, but Facebook seems to be causing you both nothing but grief. As a show of goodwill can he agree not to have a social network account (or if you feel that is too much, not to have an account like that for 3 or 4 or x years).

 

I appreciate your thoughts. My issue with holding off on a decision for a year (or even 6 months as my H has repeatedly asked me to do) seems practically impossible. I'm just so upset and cry all the time. I put on a happy "fake it till you make it" face when I have visitors or talk to people, but really, I want to just sink into a hole and never come out.

 

He had told me he was scared he wasn't going to be a good dad and wouldn't know what to do with the baby and all, but still, I just don't see any of that as an acceptable reason (I guess b/c I wouldn't EVER see it as acceptable).

 

I never thought of asking him to delete his fb account. My only issue with that would be that my family would likely wonder and no one knows what he has done besides 3 of my close friends. Everyone else has no idea. I did this because in past relationships, I've made the mistake of telling of the bad things that happened and my SO was never able to have a decent relationship with my family. I'm CERTAIN they'd hold a grudge over this and I thought if I were to continue with the relationship, it would be best for them not to know and have that opinion of him b/c it'd only make our relationship that much more difficult to continue.

[porter218]

At any rate, like I said, I'm here for advice on how to get over what has happened and how to stop obsessing about him touching her and being with her while I was here, falling apart at 7 1/2 months pregnant. A you mentioned, what I think of the woman is really irrelevant to the main situation. I was trying to give some background...

 

It is a wound time will have to heal. It may take a lot of time. I had those 'mind movies' for years but it progressively went away(never all the way though). You will have to build new memories with him to take place of the bad ones. Family vacations and other fun family bonding things. Those do really help. Perhaps to jolt the healing process you may want to consider kicking him out or sending him to sleep in another room for a little while. While going through this kind of pain it feels like the hardest thing in the world to look at his face, doesn't it?

Given his family history this is very likely a fear of commitment that drove him to act so stupidly. He probably takes the idea of a baby very seriously and it scared the heck out of him. Perhaps he was subconsciously thought he was going to fail as a dad and kind of turned himself into a failure by failing you as a husband.

Start from the beginning with him and your M. Make him help you build it all over again. Hopefully right this time though...

[sammyd]

Hi Redlady,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I know a huge part of what you're feeling, although, i have no children involved and so it must be all the more soul destroying for you.

I was with my partner of 8 yrs, never even suspected he could cheat on me, and found out totally by accident one day.

I never got over it. We decided to try, but i'm afraid i couldn't get the image of them together out of my head. It destroyed me mentally, and physically my health suffered because of it.

We are friends now, but sadly from a relationship point of view, i would always have hated what he did to me, and will never forget it.

I just wish i had the strength at the time to call it off. But, you live and learn, and i know now, that if this happened to me again, i wouldn't hesitate to finish the relationship straight away.

However, that is my personal choice. Some people are able to 'forgive', but it's whether you're able to in the long term. Maybe you could have a trial seperation, and see how it goes. I know it may be difficult at this time, but could be something to consider. Maybe a friend could come and help you out for a few weeks?

It's so sad that this special time for you will now always be remembered alongside not so wonderful times, and i feel upset for you and totally hear your heartbreak.

All the best to you, and of course to your little one.

It's going to take a lot of time whichever you decide, to get over this.

*Hugs* to you.

[Holding-On]

I appreciate your thoughts. My issue with holding off on a decision for a year (or even 6 months as my H has repeatedly asked me to do) seems practically impossible. I'm just so upset and cry all the time. I put on a happy "fake it till you make it" face when I have visitors or talk to people, but really, I want to just sink into a hole and never come out.

 

He had told me he was scared he wasn't going to be a good dad and wouldn't know what to do with the baby and all, but still, I just don't see any of that as an acceptable reason (I guess b/c I wouldn't EVER see it as acceptable).

 

I never thought of asking him to delete his fb account. My only issue with that would be that my family would likely wonder and no one knows what he has done besides 3 of my close friends. Everyone else has no idea. I did this because in past relationships, I've made the mistake of telling of the bad things that happened and my SO was never able to have a decent relationship with my family. I'm CERTAIN they'd hold a grudge over this and I thought if I were to continue with the relationship, it would be best for them not to know and have that opinion of him b/c it'd only make our relationship that much more difficult to continue.

 

1. I hope that you are being seen by someone. I know you don't want to tell anyone but I WOULD tell your doctor. This makes you much more at risk for ppd, which is very hard to deal with. If it is truly unbearable would it be easier to separate for a time?

 

2. Not providing an "acceptable" reason for this. Merely stating it was great that he was in counseling for this. However, you wondered how he could do such a thing during pregnancy and terror was a driving force that I thought of. It tends to drive rational thought processes out the window.

 

 

3. I felt canceling FB might feel to you like a concrete step. A practical decision that you can see where he has chosen you and his baby. Otherwise it may feel like everything has gone on like nothing happened.

 

Nobody has to be told in your family or his. If anyone actually asks, he can simply say that social networking sites were taking too much time and energy away from his new family (which is certainly true!). It wouldn't really be anyone's business.

 

many cyber hugs, you are in a world of hurt.

[Mimolicious]

Amazing. All of this pain and heartache for 10 mins of a piece of a$$. I will never ever understand.

 

Redlady- I wish you strength because you are going to need it. I've been in your place and it's a long road... sometimes it only becomes short when you end your M. Focus on your little one and see the blessings that you have been giving in this baby's face.

 

I wish you well.

 

BTW, you are entitled to your emotions, anger pain and call whoever the fack you want whatever YOU WANT! People call BS's "bitter", "scorned", balh, blah, blah.... Don't feel like you have to hold back because ONE person objected.

[redlady]

1. I hope that you are being seen by someone. I know you don't want to tell anyone but I WOULD tell your doctor. This makes you much more at risk for ppd, which is very hard to deal with. If it is truly unbearable would it be easier to separate for a time?

 

2. Not providing an "acceptable" reason for this. Merely stating it was great that he was in counseling for this. However, you wondered how he could do such a thing during pregnancy and terror was a driving force that I thought of. It tends to drive rational thought processes out the window.

 

 

3. I felt canceling FB might feel to you like a concrete step. A practical decision that you can see where he has chosen you and his baby. Otherwise it may feel like everything has gone on like nothing happened.

 

Nobody has to be told in your family or his. If anyone actually asks, he can simply say that social networking sites were taking too much time and energy away from his new family (which is certainly true!). It wouldn't really be anyone's business.

 

many cyber hugs, you are in a world of hurt.

 

Yes, ppd has been something I've worried about since the A...mainly because I have had bouts of depression before (even attempted suicides when I was younger) and I worried it all might be too much. I've told my Dr and 2 of my friends who know are also aware and are helping "watch" for signs. So far, I think I'm doing okay, but I can see how serious depression could easily come about. I would NEVER ever hurt my son or anything, but I do worry about becoming disconnected from him, which is my main fear. I don't want him to feel unwanted as my husband knew he was all his life.

 

The counselor we've been going to said I almost have to look at this as temporary insanity because my H said he really doesn't have any idea why he would do something so dumb. I still cannot understand that. I guess I would be bad for the defendant on a jury where that was being used as a defense!!!! If he was that scared, why not talk to me?!?!?!? Why turn to this other woman for sex? I just don't get it.

 

Part of me feels like if I keep hurting and leting him know I'm hurting, he will have to deal with what he's done for a very long time, which doesn't sound like a bad idea to me right now. Is that awful?!?!? I also hate that he's trying to act normal (in his words, if he were to break down too, it would be awful for both of us and for our son) after what he's done. He has shown remorse like I said, but I just almost feel like he should be dying and alone like I feel. But he's always been different from me in that he can turn off his emotions (I attribute this to his upbringing for sure) where I feel WAY too much.

[redlady]

It is a wound time will have to heal. It may take a lot of time. I had those 'mind movies' for years but it progressively went away(never all the way though). You will have to build new memories with him to take place of the bad ones. Family vacations and other fun family bonding things. Those do really help. Perhaps to jolt the healing process you may want to consider kicking him out or sending him to sleep in another room for a little while. While going through this kind of pain it feels like the hardest thing in the world to look at his face, doesn't it?

Given his family history this is very likely a fear of commitment that drove him to act so stupidly. He probably takes the idea of a baby very seriously and it scared the heck out of him. Perhaps he was subconsciously thought he was going to fail as a dad and kind of turned himself into a failure by failing you as a husband.

Start from the beginning with him and your M. Make him help you build it all over again. Hopefully right this time though...

 

"Mind movies" yes, that's what they are. My H has told me we will make new memories together and has hoped that the birth of our son would help establish that, but so far, I just look at the moment and our boy and think "he would've rather had an hour with her than a lifetime with us".

 

I really cannot kick him out. I need the help now for SO many reasons and I have no one around me that I can rely on 24/7 (aside from when he's at work of course) which I need right now, but sleeping in the other room might not be a bad idea. It's just that sometimes, I want him to hold and comfort me - I know, it's crazy, isn't it????

 

He has always been the one to pick me up when I'm down and get me through some VERY dark times, which makes this EXTREMELY difficult because HE is the cause of this and so, he can't really help me through. Maybe you're right, time will heal things. But I almost feel I have a clock ticking too in that I don't want my son to know what's going on if we split, you know? So I feel pressure to make a decision ASAP...UGH!

[redlady]

Amazing. All of this pain and heartache for 10 mins of a piece of a$$. I will never ever understand.

 

Redlady- I wish you strength because you are going to need it. I've been in your place and it's a long road... sometimes it only becomes short when you end your M. Focus on your little one and see the blessings that you have been giving in this baby's face.

 

I wish you well.

 

BTW, you are entitled to your emotions, anger pain and call whoever the fack you want whatever YOU WANT! People call BS's "bitter", "scorned", balh, blah, blah.... Don't feel like you have to hold back because ONE person objected.

 

Thank you for your well wishes. Each day when I wake up, I don't know what I'll feel. Sometimes I love him, sometimes I hate him, sometimes I just don't know what to feel. It's certainly a roller coaster of emotions, which can be trying.

 

Oh, don't worry. I realize now that one person who objected only objected because she was the OW in her situation and she personalized. Shame on her for coming to this board and posting. She helped ruin a marriage too and I think that's a despicable thing.

[redlady]

I realize I have a serious problem and am going to call a therapist for me alone on Monday. I think it's even possible ppd might be setting in although it's hard to tell what the cause is, if it's just plain old depression rearing it's ugly head, or ppd. Don't anyone worry, I have NO feelings of harming my baby. I love him to pieces. But I feel VERY lost, very alone and very sad. I notice I'm starting to withdraw and would gladly lock myself in a closet and sleep forever if I didn't have a little boy depending on me. I've been here before (without a baby) when I lost my grandmother who meant the world to me 14 years ago. The difference is that then, I had a loving (then boyfriend, now husband) who picked me up and helped me get through. Now, it's said husband who has caused my sadness and so, there's not much he can do to help (although I will say he's trying).

 

I think this is the beginning of the end of our marriage. I realized today I love him differently than I used to and I know I deserve better. It just kills me to think of ripping my son's family apart before it even really began. I hate, hate, HATE that my husband's actions are making me feel like this is something I need to do. I never, EVER thought I would have to think of such a thing at ANY point in my child's life, and certainly not just weeks after he made his entrance into this world after I/waited, tried for SO long for him.

 

I'm so sad and lost and just don't know what the best thing is right now. I know for sure I cannot continue with things as they are right now...

[porter218]

I realize I have a serious problem and am going to call a therapist for me alone on Monday. I think it's even possible ppd might be setting in although it's hard to tell what the cause is, if it's just plain old depression rearing it's ugly head, or ppd. Don't anyone worry, I have NO feelings of harming my baby. I love him to pieces. But I feel VERY lost, very alone and very sad. I notice I'm starting to withdraw and would gladly lock myself in a closet and sleep forever if I didn't have a little boy depending on me. I've been here before (without a baby) when I lost my grandmother who meant the world to me 14 years ago. The difference is that then, I had a loving (then boyfriend, now husband) who picked me up and helped me get through. Now, it's said husband who has caused my sadness and so, there's not much he can do to help (although I will say he's trying).

 

I think this is the beginning of the end of our marriage. I realized today I love him differently than I used to and I know I deserve better. It just kills me to think of ripping my son's family apart before it even really began. I hate, hate, HATE that my husband's actions are making me feel like this is something I need to do. I never, EVER thought I would have to think of such a thing at ANY point in my child's life, and certainly not just weeks after he made his entrance into this world after I/waited, tried for SO long for him.

 

I'm so sad and lost and just don't know what the best thing is right now. I know for sure I cannot continue with things as they are right now...

 

I feel your pain and sorry you are feeling so bad. It is hard to say if it is ppd or just a cheating H that is making you feel this way. Most likely the cheating H. If you feel this is the beginning of the end then a temp split may help you clear your mind. It is so hard to make a proper choice in the midst of such pain and with your H right there with you day after day. Time away from him may make it easier to make a choice that is yours, and yours alone. Do you have family that you can visit for a while?

I can say from my own experience I never ever regained that secure feeling in my M. I felt as if I always had one foot out the door so to speak. It is a lot of history to throw away with all the years and what you went through to conceive your son but you have earned the right to choose whatever path feels right. I also understand your desire to make the choice ASAP because I felt the same way after the birth of my second child. I soon ended the M because I didn't want her to miss having daddy live with us. I felt it better that the way things are now is all she ever knew. It was hard to say goodbye to someone I still loved but I don't have to worry about him sleeping around anymore because he isn't my problem anymore. As for your sitch I would say if this is his first time cheating try to consider working it out if possible. But I can't help but wonder what led you to find out that he was cheating in the first place...I suspect there was some lack of trust there to begin with. So then I wonder why was there lack of trust already? Had he raised your suspicions before?

[redlady]

I feel your pain and sorry you are feeling so bad. It is hard to say if it is ppd or just a cheating H that is making you feel this way. Most likely the cheating H. If you feel this is the beginning of the end then a temp split may help you clear your mind. It is so hard to make a proper choice in the midst of such pain and with your H right there with you day after day. Time away from him may make it easier to make a choice that is yours, and yours alone. Do you have family that you can visit for a while?

I can say from my own experience I never ever regained that secure feeling in my M. I felt as if I always had one foot out the door so to speak. It is a lot of history to throw away with all the years and what you went through to conceive your son but you have earned the right to choose whatever path feels right. I also understand your desire to make the choice ASAP because I felt the same way after the birth of my second child. I soon ended the M because I didn't want her to miss having daddy live with us. I felt it better that the way things are now is all she ever knew. It was hard to say goodbye to someone I still loved but I don't have to worry about him sleeping around anymore because he isn't my problem anymore. As for your sitch I would say if this is his first time cheating try to consider working it out if possible. But I can't help but wonder what led you to find out that he was cheating in the first place...I suspect there was some lack of trust there to begin with. So then I wonder why was there lack of trust already? Had he raised your suspicions before?

 

I believe this is the first time he's cheated. I suspected something the minute he told me this girl from his past contacted him on facebook and so I started snooping around. Actually, they didn't sleep together until after I told him never to come home on a Saturday night (they slept together Sunday morning after he got off of work - night shift). Even the OW told me that. She also was gracious enough to tell me that he "...claimed he had never cheated on me before to her, but she wouldn't believe him if she were me". I don't know what to believe from her though as it was clear she was flat out lying to me many times and, like I said, her loyalty was definitely not to me (I never even knew of her a week before the affair!) but at the same time, I don't know why he would bother telling her that if it weren't true.

 

One foot out the door...that's kinda how I feel. I wish I had family to stay with, but my family is 500 miles away! I'm alone here, which is making everything that much more difficult. I'm already stressed because I'm caring for my son alone (aside from when my H is home from work and awake) and I have this burdening me as well. Aside from packing him up and driving 500 miles away (which doesn't sound like a terrible idea!) I have no where to go really. The friends that I have all have families and I cannot imagine imposing on them with a newborn that cries in the middle of the night and would likely wake their children on school nights and whatnot.

[fooled once]

I'm trying to figure out what his goal was in seeking the affair not assign blame.

 

Affairs are always the fault of the cheater, but it does matter sometimes when deciding to reconcile what the cheater was looking for.

 

And yes... if you neglect your husband for a length of time he may find someone else... JUST like if you work too much your wife will do the same. Actually, I think it's probably worse for men, because every single friend I have in the military has been cheated on while on deployment. Every single guy I know.

 

Does that make women animals to you? Most will help a guy cheat on a pregnant wife without hesitation or a second thought if they find the guy attractive enough. Maybe that's just an American thing though.

 

I have to say this is one of the most .... ridiculous, generalization I have ever heard! I know plenty of military wives who did NO SUCH thing!!! Are you sure it isn't the deployed men who cheat?

 

People who cheat come in all shapes and sizes and all walks of life. It isn't just one group of people and as the daughter and sister of military men, I find your assumptions incredibly insulting!

[fooled once]

I believe this is the first time he's cheated. I suspected something the minute he told me this girl from his past contacted him on facebook and so I started snooping around. Actually, they didn't sleep together until after I told him never to come home on a Saturday night (they slept together Sunday morning after he got off of work - night shift). Even the OW told me that. She also was gracious enough to tell me that he "...claimed he had never cheated on me before to her, but she wouldn't believe him if she were me". I don't know what to believe from her though as it was clear she was flat out lying to me many times and, like I said, her loyalty was definitely not to me (I never even knew of her a week before the affair!) but at the same time, I don't know why he would bother telling her that if it weren't true.

 

One foot out the door...that's kinda how I feel. I wish I had family to stay with, but my family is 500 miles away! I'm alone here, which is making everything that much more difficult. I'm already stressed because I'm caring for my son alone (aside from when my H is home from work and awake) and I have this burdening me as well. Aside from packing him up and driving 500 miles away (which doesn't sound like a terrible idea!) I have no where to go really. The friends that I have all have families and I cannot imagine imposing on them with a newborn that cries in the middle of the night and would likely wake their children on school nights and whatnot.

 

Unfortunately, networking sites are a stomping ground for 'teenage' loves to find each other. Personally, I wouldn't believe a thing out of the OW's mouth. She is trying to get your goat and imply she is more woman than you. She isn't.

 

Your body is full of hormones and your emotions are out of whack due to the birth of your child (congratulations!!) Don't make any decisions right now. Focus on your baby and don't think any further ahead than the next feeding. Give yourself time to heal physically from the birth and emotionally from the betrayal.

 

Good luck.

[porter218]

One foot out the door...that's kinda how I feel. I wish I had family to stay with, but my family is 500 miles away! I'm alone here, which is making everything that much more difficult. I'm already stressed because I'm caring for my son alone (aside from when my H is home from work and awake) and I have this burdening me as well. Aside from packing him up and driving 500 miles away (which doesn't sound like a terrible idea!) I have no where to go really. The friends that I have all have families and I cannot imagine imposing on them with a newborn that cries in the middle of the night and would likely wake their children on school nights and whatnot.

Sounds like a good idea to me. You need that faithful love and support of your family right now. They didn't let you down like he did. It will give you the space to clear your head. I remember how hard it was to have one single clear thought while seeing my H everyday after his 1st A. My son was 6 weeks old when I found out so I totally understand. It will also give him the time to realize what he has done...he will be worried like hell that you are't coming back:D... he needs a little pain too!

Your M is forever changed and there is nothing that will change that but it isn't impossible to be happy with him again. You need time and space...and you need it NOW! I'm sure your family will love to see your little man anyway.

[redlady]

Unfortunately, networking sites are a stomping ground for 'teenage' loves to find each other. Personally, I wouldn't believe a thing out of the OW's mouth. She is trying to get your goat and imply she is more woman than you. She isn't.

 

Your body is full of hormones and your emotions are out of whack due to the birth of your child (congratulations!!) Don't make any decisions right now. Focus on your baby and don't think any further ahead than the next feeding. Give yourself time to heal physically from the birth and emotionally from the betrayal.

 

Good luck.

 

Yes, I've learned to hate facebook for sure. I have to say you mention that the OW is implying she's more woman than me. One of the things I feel is that this woman knows that my husband would rather be with her than me and it KILLS me. Even though he said he made a mistake and would never do it again if he had it to do over, she was able to get him to do it, so obviously, he doesn't feel enough for me...

 

I like how you said don't think any further ahead than the next feeding. I have a tendency to think WAY too far ahead and I do need to just think about feedings. I'll try to take it in 3 hour incriments, maybe that will help....

[Steadfast]

 

Your body is full of hormones and your emotions are out of whack due to the birth of your child (congratulations!!) Don't make any decisions right now. Focus on your baby and don't think any further ahead than the next feeding. Give yourself time to heal physically from the birth and emotionally from the betrayal.

 

Good luck.

 

 

This was the advice I was going to give. No matter what, it's unwise to make very important decisions when you're upset...and especially if you are dealing with PPD. Make you and your baby the center of the world now. The other problems -including your husband- will wait. Some advice? Regard him as a rebellious, unruly teenager who needs a time out to think about what he's done. Stay cool, stay calm, and think before you act.

 

And speaking of acting, let your actions show him how you feel. Not words.

 

Sometimes, all of us have the urge to want things fixed right away. No matter what, no matter where you live, this isn't going to happen. Your husband made a colossal mistake...and while it may be true that you did by entering into a relationship with him, it's a bit too late to turn that back. Yes, it is better to remain a family, but know that cheating crosses a line that many can not, and will not tolerate. For obvious reasons. Your husband took the innocence and purity out of your marriage. You have every right to kick him to the kurb. For now however, let the dust settle...

[lucylove]

Are you really asking how frequent was her sex life at the time? Do you feel men are animals or something and can not go a certain amount of time without sex so they have to cheat? I really hope you are not blaming a women who was pregnant when her husband cheated for his cheating because he did not get enough sex. It sure sounds like you are insinuating that. It's sad to me that women would make themselves available to men who have pregnant wives at home. I can not imagine having sex with a man with a pregnant wife. I would just feel horrible about myself. I could not even do it with a married man let alone one with a pregnant wife.

 

redlady how did you find out? Is he very remorseful? Did he confess?

 

Greengoddess i could not agree more. and it does sound as if the other poster was suggesting that she of all people could have prevented this by being more of a sexy vixen, whilst pregnant. if a woman were to cheat on a man while he was consumed with some life altering circumstance, would the poster have asked the same question, or would they wonder why the woman hadn't better understood his condition?

personally i too am equally offended by the mere idea of a woman capable of sleeping with a MM period; especially one with a pregnant wife at home. but i am more upset considering such a MM with a pregnant wife. he married her, and impregnated her; she is utterly vulnerable, having surrendered her life and her body to him, and he goes out and gets laid, betrays her? she is walking around with her body overtaken by his offspring, meanwhile he is going to hop in the sack with someone else? not that she is innocent, but at least the OW in this situation hasn't made any vows, and isn't responsible for making the wife pregnant. these kind of men say they want a woman who is completely their own and utterly faithful. then when they have her, and when leaving their marriage would be the most difficult, they jump into bed with another woman. horrible. horrible. i hope he pays for what he did to you.

as for you the OP, all i can say is it is possible for you two to get past this, as much as it is possible for you to divorce him and move on. time will tell. i recommend you take the pressure off yourself to make a decision in any way, and devote this time to baby and you. put hubby on the back burner. let him worry about your marriage for now. he is the one responsible for the current state of it. enter counseling when you are ready, and see if there is a chance. don't make any decisions just yet.

i am so sorry for your pain, and i hope that he is suffering for what he has done to you.

[lucylove]

Well, I guess she will have to forgive him for the marriage to have a chance.

 

Just don't go calling the OW a "vile piece of trash". How disgusting is that?

 

ummmmm the OW slept with her husband knowing that she was pregnant, at home. i believe the OP can at this point call her whatever she darn well pleases, and in fact i doubt there is a combination of words insulting enough. he is to blame because he made the vow, but she did behave with an obvious moral void that contributed to what was probably one of the most painful events of the OP's life. she clearly holds her husband accountable, and yet feels anger towards the OW. not exactly unreasonable, if you ask me.

[redlady]

Update on my situation. I've contacted a counselor and hope to get in in the next day or two. I also contacted my OB just in case they want to know what's going on. I'm also trying to coordinate a visit to my family. I'm not up to the idea of taking my first newborn on an 8 hour drive alone, so I'm trying to work something out with my sister so she can maybe meet me half way and go with me or something. Hopefully I can come up with something and get away for a bit. Maybe that will help me work through this somehow...

 

Thank you for all of your support and advice. I really appreciate it in a time where I'm not thinking very clearly.

[Mimolicious]

Keep us posted RL! and have some faith that G*d never forsakes!

[porter218]

Update on my situation. I've contacted a counselor and hope to get in in the next day or two. I also contacted my OB just in case they want to know what's going on. I'm also trying to coordinate a visit to my family. I'm not up to the idea of taking my first newborn on an 8 hour drive alone, so I'm trying to work something out with my sister so she can maybe meet me half way and go with me or something. Hopefully I can come up with something and get away for a bit. Maybe that will help me work through this somehow...

 

Thank you for all of your support and advice. I really appreciate it in a time where I'm not thinking very clearly.

 

this all sounds great redlady! Glad to hear you have a sister you can lean on in this hard time. I felt like my family was my haven when I went through this. I spent more time at their house with my mom, dad, sister, and brothers with my newborn to escape the pain. It was great because over there it was easier to laugh and smile while at home I felt such sadness. Through all this I became much more close to my family then ever before. And my kids appreciate all the extra attention of my siblings and parents too.

[butler89]

My husband cheated on me while I was 7 1/2 months pregnant in August (August 8th to be exact) and I just had the baby and still cannot get over it. All I do is think about it - think about him with her and why he did what he did to me - to us, to our family. It was someone from his past who contacted him on facebook b/c she was in the area visiting family and they had a one night stand. My heart is broken, everything I thought my world to be has changed and I cannot get over it. And here I sit with a 1 week old baby relying on me to make decisions for him. Do I break up his family? Do I stay and hope I can get past this? My husband seems genuinely sorry, but is it enough? He's ruined everything I thought our marriage was - how can I get past that?!?!?

 

 

You can hear your pain in your letter. I am so sorry you are hurting.

 

Of course this has changed the landscape of your marriage forever, but please know that the time it takes for you to reach a level of peace and begin the active rebuilding process totally depends on the both of you - and the capacity he has to take a good whipping some of the time (him), forgiveness (you) and the ability to lovingly and without question cater to your emotional needs at this point (him).

 

Only seek advice from your therapist and a FEW trusted friends. People who care about YOU and YOUR husband and want to SUPPORT the both of you through this no matter the outcome. Do not allow people in who will make a toxic situation more toxic with THEIR hysterics. You know that there are many people who love to watch your life as though it were a “spectator sport.” They may not be “bad” people, but they lack the kind of authenticity and depth that you will need from friends at this moment.

 

I really believe that affairs are like people, each is totally different. They all are a betrayal of course, however whatever it was that compelled the person to act in this way varies. Some are about the person who had the affair. For instance some people have affairs due to their own insecurity or need for approval, need to prove they are worthy. Some affairs ware escapist and born out of fear. For instance I know a couple whose son died in a car accident. As you can imagine the pain was unimaginable. They couldn’t even look at each other, It was almost like looking at one another reminded the other of their reality and how much pain they were in. They both had affairs and pretty much disassociated from the marriage completely. It wasn’t until one of them got sick, that they had to get a grip on reality and really face it head on. They are now together and more in love than before. And lastly other’s are about the enviornment of the marriage - and of course that is a laundry list that could go on and on. You need to do some thinking about this on your own and with a therapist. And I would have individual therapists and a marriage therapist.

 

You also need to take a good honest look at your husband, for who you truly believe him to be. Not the flowery nonsense that we are fed in romantic movies about marriage and life. It reminds me of when my parents died, and I started to think about them not as “mom” and “dad”, but like Maria and David….people, with failings and shortcoming- as well as all the amazing stuff. And after putting all those together I know they were great people who had some missteps, not bad people who had good moments. In looking at him not as husband but as - insert name here - you’ll be able to decide if you think this is a pattern of behavior.

 

And finally what is his capacity for change, How open is he to changing the way he communicates and allowing himself to share his feelings with you - especially when they are leading him down a path such as this. Is he introspective enough to grow. In the end be thoughtful, take your time and make the right decision for you….both divorce & marriage are committments and require us to act with heart and mind.

Edited October 25, 2010 by butler89

[dreamingoftigers]

After the Affair and Surviving Infidelity are two good resources to help you navigate through where you are.