LoveLace Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 He doesn't handle alcohol well. He puts me on the highest pedestal I've ever been, literally spoils me rotten. He already has a fun, goofy and hyper personality but last night he drank to the point of annoying goofy. The kind of goofy that would embarrass me in front of friends. Constantly saying things he thinks is funny, but they are not funny at all. The next day he felt pretty bad so I said you should've listened when I said you probably had enough. He said "I'll listen to you from now on". It could be worse because it's not like he's a mean drunk, or anything close to that. Just almost to the point where you feel like you are babysitting because he's acting a fool. He's made it clear he only wants me already and I have trouble thinking of dumping a guy who's always saying how wonderful I am and treating me like a queen. But I"m starting to worry he's too immature for me socially. But I also don't think he's had a "mature" relationship in a couple of years and he's only been drinking since then. Is there potential for me to help modify his behavior? What do I say to him? I don't want to lose him yet because he worships me and has everything I need in a man! It's this one thing! Help...
Knittress Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Ok, the fawning is seriously not sexy. But as far as being an idiot while drinking? Hm... I'd cut him a break if it was early on. ... but the FAWNING, ew. It sorta just makes you feel like a woman shaped hole in his psyche, yeah? Ew.
AverageJoe Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Is there potential for me to help modify his behavior? Modify his behavior? I think you mean change who he is to suit what is acceptable to you. Not a chance, people dont change unless they themselves want to change. He may want to display that desire on its face, but next time he will just hide it from you. You need to leave now. If you stay you will sooner or later end up resenting him and based on the behavior you suggested. You will end up walking all over the poor bastard. Do you and him both a gesture of common sense and move on.
Art_Critic Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 It's this one thing! Help... One big thing... You have to decide if it is a deal breaker or not.. by the sounds of it, it might be.. well... he isn't going to change.. not anytime soon anyhow..
sagetalk Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 He already has a fun, goofy and hyper personality serenitynow I hope you are reading this thread. This is exactly what I was talking about in a previous post. Read and learn. To the OP, if fun is what you want, then date him. Be warned, there will probably be more embarrassment to come. There is almost always a price to pay for dating "fun" people, make sure you measure if it is worth it to you or not.
Feelin Frisky Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I've had a few male friends or coworkers in the past where consumption of alcohol would result in really strange atypical behavior as if they were taken over by another person. I don't think it was in anybody's power to change that much less understand it. It's a measure of personality disorder or identity inconsistency. They just lose connection with who they were when sober. I would advise facing this as a fact that no one can change. The guy should probably just get the "me or the bottle" ultimatum and the woman need be totally serious about holding him to it. Or, she should just close him out.
redmelon Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 he got drunk one time? we've all gotten drunk and acted a fool before, haven't we? I think you are putting too much focus on something that may have been a one time or extremely rare thing. You said he felt bad, did he say he rarely drinks to excess or do you get the impression that he does this regularly? If he is a binge drinker, get the hell out now!
AverageJoe Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 The guy should probably just get the "me or the bottle" ultimatum and the woman need be totally serious about holding him to it. Or, she should just close him out. Ah, so he should be the one confronted with the ultimatum, not her. Do I understand that correctly? It is not his problem, it is hers. No ultimatum needed. If it is unacceptable to her she can simply leave and they both will probably be better for it.
brainygirl Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 1) potential red flag, although I think we've all over done it a time or two so watch and wait. 2) It isn't your job or place to modify his behavior. If he tells you he thinks its a problem and wants support, offer it if you want, but he's an adult. 3) If it were me, I'd wait and see how often he drinks and if he always gets to that point before I called it quits.
alexlakeman Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Just drink more yourself and you won't notice his heavy drinking, lol
johan Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 You have to decide if it is a deal breaker or not.. by the sounds of it, it might be.. well... he isn't going to change.. not anytime soon anyhow.. Maybe I think the right decision will come to her over time. She won't have to deliberately decide. She wont leave him. He has a problem, and women are addicted to fixing it. I need to find a problem so I can find a women to never leave me. I wouldn't worry.
Feelin Frisky Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Ah, so he should be the one confronted with the ultimatum, not her. Do I understand that correctly? It is not his problem, it is hers. No ultimatum needed. If it is unacceptable to her she can simply leave and they both will probably be better for it. I don't get your contention. Bottom line of my post is that I'm trying to say that there ARE some guys who indeed have weirdo personality shifts when they drink and it's not something that they can be counseled to change--they don't realize the extent of their break with who they are when not under the influence. So to them they probably just think that this is the way being drunk goes and it's just a matter of what redmelon said "getting drunk and acting the fool". It's not the same for every one--some people get really weird. In this case the guy isn't violent but he does seem to be belligerent. Why pick nits on whose problem it is? The OP posted because it's her problem. If you've seen what I have you'd be clear that it's not a little thing--it's a really significant identity thing that can be a real deal-breaker. I'll give you an example of one friend who has this weird disconnect. One of my other friends was house-sitting his brother's house while he and his family were on vacation. That friend invited several of us over including the dude with the alcohol/personality problem. Shortly after a few drinks, this guy goes out into the yard, turns on the garden hose and comes into the house blasting the hose into the living room all over the walls and furniture. When we stopped him he said "I don't know what made me do that". Obviously this seemed funny to him and he thought absolutely nothing of anyone else except his own entertainment. He got my other friend in big hot water as pictures on the wall were soaked and furniture spotted and drenched. This was not to be the last time he drank and turned into a total freaking idiot doing things he would say soon after "I don't know what may me do that". The guy lost his sense of social responsibility in favor of impulse to entertain whatever idiotic action he thought funny in that instance. We could say he "acted a fool" but it was more than most other people's alcohol indiscretions. He ruined stuff that someone else had to pay dearly for.
Pfiend101 Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Dont go out and get drunk. Have a few drinks not a dozen. Problem solved.
D-Lish Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 You can't modify anyone's behaviour, hoping to do so is a mistake. However, I'm unclear if this was just a one time thing or habitual behaviour. How long have you been seeing one another? Does he drink alcohol often? If you've been seeing each other for a few months and this is the first time he's gotten hammered and made a fool of himself, it's hardly indicative of his general nature. I generally gravitate towards men that aren't afraid to be a bit goofy. In my experience, people that can show you their silly side aren't afraid to show their sensitive side either. How to answer your question really depends on how long you've known him for and whether or not he's done this more than once. Is he getting hammered and stupid twice a week, or did he slip up one night? Because even the best of us slip up sometimes... If it's just the one time he went overboard- I think it would be harsh to send him packing just yet.
Star Gazer Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Is there potential for me to help modify his behavior? When it comes to alcohol, no. He's going to do what he wants to do. I don't want to lose him yet because he worships me and has everything I need in a man! It's this one thing! No man should worship you after a couple dates, LL. That screams desperation and instability. Nor can you assess whether he has everything you need in a man. Stop shopping for the man, shop for the relationship. A relationship where both people can maturely handle their booze.
eerie_reverie Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 The part that's a red flat to me is that you have barely been dating a WEEK and he is already getting wasted. Also, all this affection this early on, before he's gotten to know you, is immature, unstable, desperate, and/or manipulative.
Author LoveLace Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 Our first date involved a few beers. But he was making me laugh and I obviously like guys who make me laugh. 2nd date was also only a couple of beers. Then he came over to hang out at my place, and brought a bottle of vodka for himself. (Again I only had a couple of beers). He was doing straight shots of the vodka and chasing it with soda. He wasn't drinking anything else. But after 4 or 5 times of this, he started to say he was pretty drunk, and I suggested he probably didn't need to do anymore. He pointed out that if he wanted to, he could easily drink the whole bottle. But I also realized that my own tolerance is not as high as some people's, and vodka has never sat well with me. But guys always have a higher tolerance, especially for harder liquor. Well he did another shot anyway. That's why the next day he said "I will listen to you from now on". But I enjoyed his company because he rubbed my feet and pretty much waited on me all night. I like it that he wants to spoil me. His heavy affection isn't bothering me since I like him. I just didn't like how the vodka made him act. This weekend might make or break it because we are joining friends for a festival in the city, we will all be drinking then. Likely I will be having more than a few beers that day...so I guess depending on my own condition I may or may not think he's acting immature. And perhaps it was only the vodka, and not with beer. He did tell me that he stopped drinking many years ago when his son was born. He just started again 2 years ago. I do know that when people are "new" to drinking that they tend to have the wrong perception of what their tolerance really is. Before they learn how to drink in moderation it usually takes a lot of people telling them "you made an a$$ of yourself"....and if he's been single the whole time he's been drinking, perhaps no one has bothered to be honest with him.
johan Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Eerie reverie may be right about the excessive niceness being a red flat. But I still think the right decision will come to you. You don't have to figure it all out now. I wouldn't seek the influence of others. Obviously you have concerns or you wouldn't have thought to start a thread.
Author LoveLace Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Eerie reverie may be right about the excessive niceness being a red flat. But I still think the right decision will come to you. You don't have to figure it all out now. I wouldn't seek the influence of others. Obviously you have concerns or you wouldn't have thought to start a thread. I haven't found the niceness to be too much for me. He spoils me in ways and says things that I've always wanted a man I like to do or say. It's a change that I'm enjoying a lot. In my past I've always wasted time wishing that other guys would do or say the things he does. It's so nice that he does it all without me having to ask for any of it. And I do my best to show appreciation.
redmelon Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 don't put yourself in the role of being responsible for telling him when to stop drinking. that would be setting yourself up for disaster. it's not your job. let us know how the festival goes...
eerie_reverie Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Who brings a bottle of vodka for themselves to someone's house on the third date...? I'm not uptight, I don't claim to have any class, and I'm a seasoned drinker... but even I think that's tacky. If you are having a white trash night in with your best female girlfriends, maybe. Third date? No way. He sounds like an alcoholic.
Insanitylater Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Shes not going to leave him, so the advice in this thread is pointless
Author LoveLace Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Shes not going to leave him, so the advice in this thread is pointless I don't see a reason to "leave him" nor do I want to right now. If the problem escalates, then yes I'm gone. We had a text conversation earlier and I straight up said he was too goofy on the vodka. He said he knows and that he was just trying too hard (too impress me I guess). And now he knows that it didn't work, so he certainly deserves the chance for me to see if that is in fact all it was. So far all the good things out weigh one night of him getting on my nerves, by a long shot. But that will change if I have the same feelings next time I see him. And I'm not ready to take on a full task of trying to get him to quit drinking, as someone said. It's too soon for me to know the full extent of his behavior in this department. And if it's full on too much for me to handle, I will dump him before trying to get him to stop. However I'd likely tell him if my opinion is that he should. But if I become 100% sure he's too problematic for me, I don't have the time or interest to stick around and hope that it gets better. I like him plenty enough to not call it a deal breaker yet, though.
CindyB Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 If he was trying to impress you maybe you could cut him some slack. you don't really know him yet. How do you feel about him?
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