ComeUndone Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 What does someone who is always late (yes, always) get out of being late? This is my bf - he doesn't arrive anywhere on time. I'm not talking a few minutes late either, it's generally at least 30 minutes, usually more. Now, I'm smart enough to know that if he wanted to be on time, he could. I also know that if this was 100% unintentional then he would arrive on time by accident at least occasionally. This just never happens. In his defense he has been this way since the beginning... doesn't soften the impact though. I myself have trouble with punctuality, but not 100% of the time, and not by 1/2 hour chunks of time either. It's not that we always have something important going on... it might just be simply our night together. I have talked to him about this - I've told him that when he's always late it doesn't make me feel very high up on his list of priorities. He tells me that I am, but damn - actions speak louder, especially when he knows this bothers me. So.... what does a chronic late person get out of this behavior? He has to be getting something out of it, otherwise the grief he gets from everybody for being late all the time just wouldn't be worth it.
alexlakeman Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Is he gay? No? Good. Did he cheat? No? Great! So what's a little late here and there ? Lol I am habitually late , all the time. I just procrastinate, wait till the last minute to get ready, try to squeeze in one more thing I need to do. What can u do? Lol, can't teach an old dog new tricks.
yessy21 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 seriously. its not a big deal. u should be glad thats all it is. and just laugh at it everytime because its sucha habit. lol. what id do is change his clock to half an hr earlier or just tell him 8:30 when its really 9:00
TaurusTerp Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Yeah it's not that I get anything out of it, I'm just perpetually late to everything. It drives my friends insane. I want to leave by 9, but inevitably I forget to do something and it gets dragged out 10,20, 30 minutes.
dreamingoftigers Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I am chronically late and I run a business and make my staff chronically late too. I am a terrible scheduler and an administrative mess, It is not intentional, I try my best to be on time and get stressed when it doesn't happen, I don't even know how to start to fix it as I am always catching up the day's before things.
Alma Mobley Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 If he's late to everything, then it has nothing to do with you not being a priority because he does it in all areas (except work, I'm assuming -- they tend to not like that). My husband was like this when we were dating. It's just how he is. The solution is to schedule your dates 30 mins earlier than the "real" time but not tell him that's what you're doing.
carhill Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 So.... what does a chronic late person get out of this behavior? My ex'es 2nd exH was this way. She said it was a passive-aggressive way to avoid conflict but yet control the situation. LOL, since she was always running late too, pot kettle black. I will say this. She got to every MC session exactly on time, if not a little early. Interesting how that works I'm pretty relaxed about schedules, meaning I don't complain about them. When it's time to go, it's time to go. I just go. If a woman's late for a date, I just move on to the next thing. Sorry if I missed you
CrestfallenNoMore Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Being chronically late is a passive-aggressive act of control. If you're always the one who's late, you're never waiting on anyone else. You force others to dance to your tune, delay the start of events and put all the attention on you when you arrive; it's incredibly rude and selfish behavior. Note, I'm not saying that people who engage in this behavior are rude and selfish people, I'm just saying the behavior is. It's not something you "have to put up with" if it bothers you - that's ridiculous. If I have someone in my life who starts to become chronically late, I simply tell the person what time I'll be leaving; and then I'll leave. If they show up late to my house and I'm not there, if they can't sit with me at an event, or if I've already ordered my meal and am on dessert, that's not my problem. You can't get a person to change his or her behavior; you can only change your's. And it can't be an "empty threat," it has to be what you actually do. If you can't do it, then don't promise to.
Arasae Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I do this constantly, except at work and school. My issue is that I'll start getting ready.. and then it'll be time to go.. but I'm not ready.. so I keep putting on makeup... yeah, I just warned my boyfriend ahead of time. I end up looking prettier for him in the end, so I don't think he minds overmuch.
Jannah Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 What does someone who is always late (yes, always) get out of being late? This is my bf - he doesn't arrive anywhere on time. I'm not talking a few minutes late either, it's generally at least 30 minutes, usually more. Now, I'm smart enough to know that if he wanted to be on time, he could. I also know that if this was 100% unintentional then he would arrive on time by accident at least occasionally. This just never happens. In his defense he has been this way since the beginning... doesn't soften the impact though. I myself have trouble with punctuality, but not 100% of the time, and not by 1/2 hour chunks of time either. It's not that we always have something important going on... it might just be simply our night together. I have talked to him about this - I've told him that when he's always late it doesn't make me feel very high up on his list of priorities. He tells me that I am, but damn - actions speak louder, especially when he knows this bothers me. So.... what does a chronic late person get out of this behavior? He has to be getting something out of it, otherwise the grief he gets from everybody for being late all the time just wouldn't be worth it. This is my female best friend. She is notoriously late for everything. Anytime we are scheduled to do something, if the actual time we're supposed to be somewhere (for example) is 6:00pm, I tell her we have to be there at 5:30pm. That way, it lessons the agro and conflict. Sometimes she's still late though.
sanskrit Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 My ex'es 2nd exH was this way. She said it was a passive-aggressive way to avoid conflict but yet control the situation. LOL, since she was always running late too, pot kettle black. Being chronically late is a passive-aggressive act of control. If you're always the one who's late, you're never waiting on anyone else. You force others to dance to your tune, delay the start of events and put all the attention on you when you arrive; it's incredibly rude and selfish behavior. Agree, being on time is not that difficult, and when someone is chronically late doing things with me, I take it as a sign that they don't care about me in any meaningful way, and fade out of their lives over time.
Serenitynow Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Being late is rude behavior Agree 100% I would not give the time of day(pun) to a person that was like this.
leftfordead2 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I think being late is rude behavior too. I had a friend who was constantly late for everything, from dates to interview to whatever you can think of, he'll be late. One time he was whining that he might not be able to make it in time for an interview that he badly wanted and so I told him that... if it was truly important he would make an effort to be on time. I think this goes the same for any other events too. Last I checked, other people's time is as precious as yours.
Author ComeUndone Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Being chronically late is a passive-aggressive act of control. If you're always the one who's late, you're never waiting on anyone else. You force others to dance to your tune, delay the start of events and put all the attention on you when you arrive; it's incredibly rude and selfish behavior. Note, I'm not saying that people who engage in this behavior are rude and selfish people, I'm just saying the behavior is. Yep, people are always (always) waiting on him. I'll be with him when we are late to meet up with friends or family - he'll have them on the phone giving some BS excuse as to why he's running behind, and worse: he'll tell them he's "almost there" or "right around the corner" when that's nowhere close to the truth. He does the same thing to me. We all know he's blowing smoke... we all know to tack on another 20 minutes at least. It's just frustrating. I know it's nothing personal about "me" persay, but I have to deal with it. I can't always tell him to be here 30 minutes sooner so we'll actually be on time - many times it's just us getting together as we do certain nights every week, and even though he has the ability to get here earlier, he never does. He suggested to me that on our nights he can leave straight from work so he gets here earlier, but he has yet to do it. He has all these great "ideas" I just don't see them in action. He was late the night of my high school reunion, late to various family functions, late getting here for some goings-ons that it was crucial to me he get here on time for. For those of you who say "it's no big deal, be thankful he's not gay"... yeah I suppose I can always justify bad behavior by comparing it to something fat worse and being thankful I'm not dealing with that. Somehow that doesn't make me feel a whole lot better... it leaves me feeling I can't really count on him. Sure he could be doing much worse things, but then that's no reason for him not to be accountable for always being late.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Yep, people are always (always) waiting on him. I'll be with him when we are late to meet up with friends or family - he'll have them on the phone giving some BS excuse as to why he's running behind, and worse: he'll tell them he's "almost there" or "right around the corner" when that's nowhere close to the truth. He does the same thing to me. We all know he's blowing smoke... we all know to tack on another 20 minutes at least. It's just frustrating. I know it's nothing personal about "me" persay, but I have to deal with it. I can't always tell him to be here 30 minutes sooner so we'll actually be on time - many times it's just us getting together as we do certain nights every week, and even though he has the ability to get here earlier, he never does. He suggested to me that on our nights he can leave straight from work so he gets here earlier, but he has yet to do it. He has all these great "ideas" I just don't see them in action. He was late the night of my high school reunion, late to various family functions, late getting here for some goings-ons that it was crucial to me he get here on time for. For those of you who say "it's no big deal, be thankful he's not gay"... yeah I suppose I can always justify bad behavior by comparing it to something fat worse and being thankful I'm not dealing with that. Somehow that doesn't make me feel a whole lot better... it leaves me feeling I can't really count on him. Sure he could be doing much worse things, but then that's no reason for him not to be accountable for always being late. Why would he change? From what you describe, it sounds as if you, his family, or his friends have all tolerated his behavior. He has no consquences for what he does; he knows you'll simply all put up with him. When you stop tolerating the behavior and letting someone else determine whether you get frustrated or not, then he'll change. Talking about it and talking about it some more obviously doesn't work, only actions will. You don't HAVE to put up with it if you don't want to; you just have to be willing to change your own behavior first.
sanskrit Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I think perhaps you may like to consider re-phrasing that. I don't think a homosexual person would enjoy being considered something 'far worse'... The context was dating a tardy person wouldn't be as bad as finding out your ostensibly hetero partner was in fact gay, and the same reasoning would apply to a gay person finding their ostensibly gay partner was actually straight.
elaina Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 In some cultures, people are not controlled strictly by the clock. They march to a beat of a different drum. It's not that they don't care about not being rude, it's just not that much of an issue to them to be in a specific place doing a specific thing at a specific time. Professionally, it is great to be on time, because time is money. How one uses the time they have is a part of productivity. Socially, yes it is nice not to keep someone waiting, but sometimes, people who are not run by the clock tend to spend more time doing something or talking with someone than time allows. For example, one friend of mine is an amazing artist. You tell her, ok we're going here at this time. She will say ok and she may or may not make it, depending on how her creative mood is going. That's just how she is, and we accept her like that, and we love her like that. One friend who's a guy is a talker!!! He's so funny. He can talk for hours to somebody. He sometimes loses track of time too lol, and as long as he's not at his job working, that's ok. Everyone who knows him knows he's probably talking to somebody if he's not where he's supposed to be. People are different, but many people who are chronically late are not doing so in order to be rude. Sometimes culture is involved, and sometimes a person's unique personality is involved.
carhill Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Absolutely. We're all different. If the talker gets tied up and can't make it, accepted. I hope they can make it next time and that the talk went well. That dynamic doesn't preclude me from doing what is healthy for me, and that is departing to enjoy what *I* enjoy doing, irrespective of their company. Pretty simple
EricaH329 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 A good friend of mine is always, and I mean always at least an hour - an hour and a half late to everything. In order to get her to be at our best friends wedding on time, we had to tell her it started at 4:45 instead of 6. And even then, she walked in as the doors were closing. I think that with some people it's a serious problem. I just don't think they have time management skills what so ever. It's aggrevating and frustrating, but the only way around it is by telling them to be there extra early (to make sure they are there on time).
sica Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I am punctual and sometimes get annoyed when others aren't. My best friend, sister and an ex are chronically tardy people. I found it so annoying that I began to make passive-aggressive comments as well as trying to give them a taste of their own medicines. It didn't work, I just became more annoyed. So I decided to stop letting it bother me so much. Now I expect them to be late so I just mentally prepare myself for it and it doesn't bother me so much. I give them a 30 min window when arranging plans if it is important, if its not I just don't stress over it too much. Some people do it for the passive-aggressive control mentioned earlier and some are just always distracted. My sister the former, my best friend the latter. I just try to accept their behavior because I have tried to redirect it but haven't been able to.
machiavellian Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I am habitually late , all the time. I just procrastinate, wait till the last minute to get ready, try to squeeze in one more thing I need to do. What can u do? Lol, can't teach an old dog new tricks. I think this is what your bf's problem is. However, I 100% agree with you that the laidback, inconsiderate, self-centered, "What can you do?" attitude is ****ing obnoxious and frustrating as hell.
Feelin Frisky Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Such chronic lateness could be a sign of passive aggression. It's not ALWAYS so but I'm sure there are some who do it on purpose to press someone else's tolerance buttons. I can't explain what the passive aggressive gets out of this except some little power trip. People who are "fashionably late" are waging some kind of social status warfare. They want to give the appearance that their lives are so full and important that the rules of timeliness don't apply to them. I try to be early for most things just because I start to get angry at any little thing that might make me late. I don't like to say, curse or suck my teeth because I missed a traffic light. But I do feel it is desirable NOT to APPEAR early. It can make one look too eager, too desperate, too available, too predictable. Not so in things like school or work. Being early in those cases gives one increased social access and is only shunned by those who interpret it as sucking up.
elaina Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I am punctual and sometimes get annoyed when others aren't. My best friend, sister and an ex are chronically tardy people. I found it so annoying that I began to make passive-aggressive comments as well as trying to give them a taste of their own medicines. It didn't work, I just became more annoyed. So I decided to stop letting it bother me so much. Now I expect them to be late so I just mentally prepare myself for it and it doesn't bother me so much. I give them a 30 min window when arranging plans if it is important, if its not I just don't stress over it too much. Some people do it for the passive-aggressive control mentioned earlier and some are just always distracted. My sister the former, my best friend the latter. I just try to accept their behavior because I have tried to redirect it but haven't been able to. Yeah, trying to change people doesn't really work. It's best if the person himself or herself wants to change and makes the change with encouragement and help from others. Otherwise it's just frustrating for everybody.
eerie_reverie Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I'm chronically late to everything - including my job. I don't get anything out of it except guilt and stress, but severely underestimating how long it takes to do things, is a hard habit to break.
Disillusioned Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Also take cultural factors into account. In some other countries, being late is expected, and even not showing up at all (without calling to explain) is considered perfectly acceptable. I know plenty of people like that. It's just that in other parts of the world, time may be of little importance.
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