OceanGirl Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 So we had sex on Friday night in his car. I kind of initiated it. He lasted about 6 minutes. I am OK with awakward first time sex but this was pretty bad. On Saturday, I went over to his place and he made me dinner. I slept over and we had sex 2 more times. It was clumsy and blah. He lasted a bit longer but I kind of had to be the agressor. He is almost scared of me (it's weird). Conversation was also not very stimulating, I just had a really boring time overall. He made me breakfast on Sunday morning (today) and I said that I had to go home to do some work. He asked me if I want to go to dinner during the week and I said yes (what can you do). Anyhow, I got home at about 11am feeling kind of down. It is now 8:38pm and I have FIVE missed calls from him. He also left FIVE voicemail messages. The first one was just saying that he had a great time. Then they get increasingly frantic and in the last one he is asking me if anything is wrong. I have now switched off my phone because I can't deal with this today. I wish he hasn't been forcing contact on me and given me some time to reflect. Because now he knows that something is wrong and I might have sorted my head out if he waited a day or two. I don't even know if I want to see him again. And you know what is the worst thing? I can't even tell if me and this guy have genuine low chemistry or is this my own fear of intimacy getting in the way. I have been here before I am afraid that I am somehow sabotaging myself from having a good relationship. How do I really know what is what? Most women get more attached after sex. WTF is wrong with me
a_woman Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 nothing is wrong with you, you just don't fancy him. Nobody gets attached after bad sex, in fact feeling a little sad is normal. That's why casual sex is often such a bad idea.
Eclypse Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Sex in a car is never good if you want romance, especially for the first time (imo)
GooseChaser Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 He sounds nervous, like he wants reassurance, almost to the point of anxiety. He seems like he noticed that you were disappointed with his performance, and that can be hurtful to a man and his ego. They can be sensitive about their sexuality. Maybe you guys just need more time to get comfortable with each other. I'd try to make him feel better too so he feels less pressured and that he can relax with you. I'd give him a chance.
Seamless74 Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Sounds like regretfully your either: 1.) dating down below your potential... whether he lasted 6 minutes or an hour if you really would have been mentally attracted to him you would have enjoyed the intamacy aspect at least theoretically the sex would get better as you get to know one another (but the dude sounds really lame maybe your way more attractive than he knows what to do with) 2.) or your just sleeping around randomly with people you have no real connection looking for a sport ****... i dunno keep fishing.. maybe even hold out on the sex a little bit until you really get comfortable and attracted to someone, and i find starting the whole post with how long a guy lasted to be alittle tacky.. to begin with..obviously you probably werent into the whole blissful moment thing with a stopwatch in your hand.
EasyHeart Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 The fact that you're critiquing the sex (not to mention having sex in a car and having sex with someone you don't seem to know very well) tells me that you're either extremely immature or extremely screwed up. Please don't answer this guy's calls -- he deserves better.
GooseChaser Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 He made you dinner, and he is trying hard to check up on how you are doing and seems anxious about how things went. He clearly cares. Don't be too hard on him.
TigerCub Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 or is this my own fear of intimacy getting in the way. I have been here before I am afraid that I am somehow sabotaging myself from having a good relationship. How do I really know what is what? Most women get more attached after sex. WTF is wrong with me I went through that same phase you're describing. I felt bad about it, but I'd lose interest in a guy pretty much after we had sex (even if the sex was good). It wasn't something I could control, and it was most likely due to the fact that I was afraid of getting closer to someone and getting emotionally invested, and getting hurt. For me it was a phase, and it passed (somehwhat). I think that if you did like this guy, up until the sex, give him a few more dates to get to know him better. But if you have completely lost interest and really don't want to even try to get to know him, then don't ignore him, don't lead him on, but break up with him in a nice manner that's respectful and kind.
sagetalk Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I think you suffer from you-think-your-awesome-ites. High self esteem is great, but arrogance is a big turn off. How could you give yourself away to someone and then make fun of them? It seems to me that him liking you more than you liking him is what really turns you off. I have found this to be one of the major reasons girls lose interest in a guy. If that's you in your avatar, then congratulations, you can get the majority of men at the snap of a finger due to your physical looks. However, to be successful in a real relationship, you have to do a heck of a lot more than be fit with curves. Humility and respect for others will take you much farther in a healthy LTR.
ViciousViolet Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 So you're just going to ignore him and hope he goes away? Hopefully he's gotten the message and will move on to someone better.
anne1707 Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I have now switched off my phone because I can't deal with this today. I wish he hasn't been forcing contact on me and given me some time to reflect. Because now he knows that something is wrong and I might have sorted my head out if he waited a day or two. Only a few days ago you complaining that he did not text you: 4 hours and counting. I am so sick of this. I texted him today if he would prefer to catch upo on Friday or Saturday night. My friends are organizing a girls night and I needed to know when I am free. My worst fears are coming true and I am being abandoned without so much as "there is no chemistry" or similar lame line. I do know that he doesn't owe me anything after 3 dates and leading me to beleive that there is a fourth. But I did think that this guy is better than that. I guess not:( If you want to be treated with respect, you have to reciprocate. I feel sorry for this man - it's like he can do no right by you no matter what he does. Imagine if the situation was reversed and you called him after you had sex and he completely ignored you.
Cracker Jack Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I had no idea that SaC was the OP. Look, I think you need to seriously just not date for a good while until you're mentally ready to adjust within a situation. Here he's trying to make contact, yet you're ignoring him. That's just wrong and you know it. I agree with Anne; if he did the same to you, you'd likely chastise him to no end about it. What exactly is it that you want from this guy? I just...don't understand why you do this to people who try to be good to you.
Allisha Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I had no idea that SaC was the OP. Look, I think you need to seriously just not date for a good while until you're mentally ready to adjust within a situation. THIS!!! ...character limit.
Star Gazer Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 So we had sex on Friday night in his car. Can I ask why you chose his car for the location of the first time you had sex with him? Of course you had to be the aggressor... I imagine 98% of guys wait to have sex with a girl for the first time until they're somewhere with a bed or couch; so it makes sense that he wouldn't initiate sex with you in his car. I really agree with everything everyone else has said though.
Kamille Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I don't get what happened. I don't get anything of what you wrote. It sounds to me like you were completely disconnected from him all weekend, and yet you had sex 3 times? Does not compute. I mean, yes, sex can be awkward the first time, but in all my first times, we had built enough intimacy that we could laugh about the awkward parts and sex was mostly about feeling close to each other. Which, when you have sex at the right time, you can always bank on that feeling of closeness. The awkwardness would actually bring us closer. It sounds like you initiated it and then expected him to dazzle you with his skills. It takes two to tango. You sound like you were very detached from the whole thing. What did you do to improve it all? Or maybe you're just presenting things this way because right now you have a major case of buyer's remorse. Could it be... Are you a commitmentphobe? And of course, if the weekend sucked so much but you lied your way through it - why?- you're not going to want to pick up your phone now. But this poor guy has no clue you mercyfed him at least twice, not counting the first time. I mean, you were, in your own words, the agressor... How could he have any idea you weren't enjoying yourself? I seriously don't get what you did here and why you would have sex 3 times if you were bored out of your mind and doubting the connection. Did you at least have fun at any point during this weekend?
Star Gazer Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I don't get what happened. I don't get anything of what you wrote. It sounds to me like you were completely disconnected from him all weekend, and yet you had sex 3 times? Does not compute. I mean, yes, sex can be awkward the first time, but in all my first times, we had built enough intimacy that we could laugh about the awkward parts and sex was mostly about feeling close to each other. Which, when you have sex at the right time, you can always bank on that feeling of closeness. The awkwardness would actually bring us closer. It sounds like you initiated it and then expected him to dazzle you with his skills. It takes two to tango. You sound like you were very detached from the whole thing. What did you do to improve it all? Or maybe you're just presenting things this way because right now you have a major case of buyer's remorse. Could it be... Are you a commitmentphobe? And of course, if the weekend sucked so much but you lied your way through it - why?- you're not going to want to pick up your phone now. But this poor guy has no clue you mercyfed him at least twice, not counting the first time. I mean, you were, in your own words, the agressor... How could he have any idea you weren't enjoying yourself? I seriously don't get what you did here and why you would have sex 3 times if you were bored out of your mind and doubting the connection. Did you at least have fun at any point during this weekend? Great post, Kamille. I suspect this goes back to what I've said before. SACWA/OG relies on men for external validation, regardless of whether she actually likes them in return or not. I suspect she had sex to obtain that validation, not because of how she felt about him.
Cee Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I'm sorry this flopped so badly. Hope you got at least a couple of good orgasms out of it, but I'm guessing you didn't. From what I've read in your threads, you were pushing for this to work. But in the end, something deep in you said, "Nah, I really don't like this guy." It's ok that it didn't work out. Plenty of fish in the sea. Good luck with telling this guy that it's not going to work. That's always an uncomfortable discussion.
sanskrit Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I don't understand why adults would ever choose first sex in a car, of course it's going to be awkward! In his shoes, would have made OP wait. Also, I don't understand why how long he lasts matters at all after a point? Did you have any orgasms? The idea is for first sex not to last that long due to craving each other and buildup such that her first orgasm triggers his, and that can be relatively fast compared to later sex. Need more detail on what way he was "afraid of you" in bed. I imagine if he had sent you home and not let you stay over, this story would be a bit different.
carhill Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Although I'm a bit about which guy this is, I think politician guy would likely have been the best 'candidate' for auto erotica In any event, I hope this encounter gave you some good information. Life's about learning.
elaina Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Oceangirl, Why are you ignoring him? When you like someone, do you want them to ignore you like that? At least be courteous to him. If you don't want to continue to see him, at least tell him. Wouldn't you want someone who's not still interested in you to at least tell you? Good communication is so important, whether one is in a relationship, or whether one is trying to decide to be in a relationship with a certain person. Care for him too. He's a person too, just like you.
LisaLee Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I am afraid that I am somehow sabotaging myself from having a good relationship. Yup, sounds like you are your own saboteur. Too bad, so sad. Real nice of you to completely ignore him, though.
Knittress Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Ugh, it sounds like an icky awkward situation, and I can TOTALLY understand the impulse to hide and pretend it didn't happen... but he seems like a really nice guy and I'd be devastated if someone treated me like this. Please call him.
JungleLover Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Five missed phone calls and five missed voicemails are a bit much. It sounds like this guy needs to youtube the opening scene from Swingers. That guy is partially to blame for his own situation. Lets face it. He left all of those voicemails and kept calling therefore he couldn't take a hint. On the other side of the coin, OP, you owe this guy an explanation. I believe that after you have sex 2-3 times (it's out of the one night stand section) with someone you were dating, you owe them an explanation if you intend to drop them. You can't leave them hanging. It is just not fair. He has invested a significant amount at this point and no one wants to go through the toture of wondering why someone they like and got so physical with will not call them back. If that's is actually your picture in that avatar, boy is he going to be disappointed.
spiderowl Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 The sex wasn't good, which must have been a blow and then you found him boring to talk with. I suspect you switched off at some point either before or during sex and what ensued just confirmed your negative impression of him. If you try to make this work with him you will be going against your instincts and probably won't be doing him a favour. If he's keen, then it's hard to know what to say. Just ignoring him is unkind and leaves him wondering why you couldn't even talk to him. Maybe you could gently tell him you don't feel it would work with him as you are not feeling what you should be towards him. You don't need to go into detail about his performance or anything else. There are all sorts of reasons why he might not have coped and things may have been different once you knew each other better and were more relaxed, but it's not just that is it? You are generally feeling very lacklustre about him and that's not enough for a relationship. The baseline feelings are what matter as they will colour everything in the future.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 I wish he hasn't been forcing contact on me Ahhhhhhhhhh, is THIS what we're calling "forced contact" now??? Oh how far society has fallen.
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