Break from dating...

[alexlakeman]

Since August, I got 5-6 phone #'s from the online dating site I am on.. but I haven't really found a LTR candidate ... either I am being too picky, the pool of single women I've met has s.cked, or who the H..LL knows ...

 

It's not that I lost my "game" on talking to women, etc.. I just end up analyzing them much sooner than before.. thinking "why waste $ and time on a happy hour?" ...

 

Take for example:

 

• LA Fitness candidate (I have to label them, to make sense to me) - We clicked in conversations on the phone, met, I didn't like her physically, but we did have conversation, chemistry.. I decided to only see her once..
  
• Chili's date last week - she was a little chunky, but we did have convo on the phone and at happy hour.. I decided to only see her once.
  
• The one from OK cupid (?) - I got her #, we chatted, but it was a turn off the way she expressed she had no kids ("I have no kiddies" ) it just kinda sounded like a PLUS, even though she knew I had kids.. It just kinda sounded like "hey I have no baggage aka kids to hold me down"... never called her back nor met her.
  
• The Peruvian one - we only talked on the phone, but felt no chemistry...never met.
  
• One or two that emailed me their phone # after I asked for it, and I haven't even texted them.. and probably won't.
  
• The one from FB - we talked for a few days, had convo, but when I came back from England a few weeks ago, I decided she looked older than her age compared to others; so never met her.
  
• The Brickell girl - this one was questionable in how materialistic she was, based on where she lived, her attitude of "I deserve to find it all in one man", and the freaking places she hanged out at were pricey.. as was our first date :rolleyes: ... but, we had great convo for a couple of weeks before we met, and when we met it was questionable.. We only talked about the kiddies and her job.. I let her do most of the talking...physically she was great . Long term potential? It had some life... but she never returned my call afterwards, so she made the choice not to pursue it, lol... I couldn't have afforded $100 happy hours for much longer, lol..
  
• The one from spinning in LA Fitness - We haven't talked as much as I talked with the brickell girl.. so doesn't seem there is clicking there.. she is interested as she texted ME yesterday, and we set something up for Sunday evening.. But having my doubts based on the lack of communications, phone talk, etc.. we've had..
  
• The business owner - we had great convo, but she decided to not meet, as she thought I "traveled too much" (she must've not read the part of "taking my SO with me on some of my trips, lol).
  
• 2-3 others I got phone #'s from, haven't even bothered calling. We texted back and fourth, but I never put the effort to pick up the phone.
  
• My FWB - we had been hooking up since June, so she kept me busy and happy.. but I got tired of her early Sept, and we had an argument.. so no more FWB.. she wasn't a "relationship" potential b/c she's too much into her kids' sports, etc.. (GREAT parent, I am just not into all the sports).
  
• Ex G/f from 2Q10 - Started talking again this week, so hopefully it can evolve into an FWB, until I find another g/f...
  

 

Has the above happened to any one? I know I am not being too picky, b/c I have had great ltr in the past, but it never took me soo long to meet the right person. Each time I go on a first date I feel like we're sitting there interviewing.. me interviewing them thinking "is she a long term potential"? Hopefully my break will change my train of thought.. prior I never met women thinking LTR potential; it just happened.. but now at 45, I am like "why waste a couple weeks or months dating someone, just waiting for the next one, if I don't think it will click"?...

 

Just a rant I guess... not unhappy or sad, SURPRISINGLY... but tired of just meeting women which we have no chemistry... I KNOW when there's chemistry, lol... those are the ones you know you can kiss at the end of the night and that they DO want to see you as much as YOU want to see them after the night is over...

 

Thoughts? Anyone experienced this?

[Angel1111]

I think you read way too much into what women say but if you don't click with them, then you don't. Why over-analyze it? And why make ridiculous comments like you might get back with your ex gf until you find someone else? You just sound like a guy who has no problem using women and that tells me a lot about you right away. I'm guessing that a lot of women are picking up on this, too. I think if you come to terms with that aspect of yourself and maybe grow up a bit, you might actually find something that lasts long-term.

[Gallaxia]

True indeed.

 

Reflect inward and give yourself! that much attention and assessment, in a positive light. You could find completely different results. Because, all those women have one thing in common....

[alexlakeman]

I think you read way too much into what women say but if you don't click with them, then you don't. Why over-analyze it? And why make ridiculous comments like you might get back with your ex gf until you find someone else? You just sound like a guy who has no problem using women and that tells me a lot about you right away. I'm guessing that a lot of women are picking up on this, too. I think if you come to terms with that aspect of yourself and maybe grow up a bit, you might actually find something that lasts long-term.

 

LOL, we never really stopped talking since we broke up in June, but I had no interest in seeing her.. She is the one that initiates all contact, and coincidentally said she wanted to see me recently.. So, I'm just following her lead and just stepped up my "interest"... I haven't lied to her about anything.. I am sure she's alone and could possibly use a FWB as well... no harm..

[brainygirl]

Question, what will be different about being FWB from dating her? It seems like if she's that cool, why not date her. If she isn't worth dating, why sleep with her?

 

I don't get this.

[EricaH329]

It just kinda sounded like "hey I have no baggage aka kids to hold me down"... never called her back nor met her.

 

*]One or two that emailed me their phone # after I asked for it, and I haven't even texted them.. and probably won't.

 

I decided she looked older than her age compared to others; so never met her.

 

[*]2-3 others I got phone #'s from, haven't even bothered calling. We texted back and fourth, but I never put the effort to pick up the phone.

 

I know I am not being too picky, b/c I have had great ltr in the past, but it never took me soo long to meet the right person.

 

You don't think you are picky? It sounds to me like you are very picky. There is nothing wrong with being like that, but if you want to figure out why you aren't having any luck dating, you should acknowledge that it does have something to do with you so you can be one step closer to finding someone that suits you.

 

It sounds to me like you don't really want to put much effort into dating at all. Are you really that interested in finding a girlfriend? Chemistry and connection and all that good stuff you talk about, doesn't happen in one phone conversation, or even one meeting. If you are looking for that instant 'click' you will be looking a lonnng time.

[Cee]

I think dating is tougher after 40, but I don't know exactly why. Like you, I had plenty of LTRs in my 20s and 30s, but everything came to a screeching halt once I hit 35. I have had plenty of dates, but it never seems to get past the first or second date. I have loosened my standards as much as possible, but it doesn't help. I dated a guy that I didn't feel strongly attracted to, but he was attractive and we had the same values. I was ready to give it a go until he sent me a terse email to end things. Oh well.

 

Because I haven't found an LTR, I have decided that I need to back off of dating for awhile. I'm taking my failure in dating as a sign that I am better off alone. I'll jump back in once I stop thinking that dating is a job interview for a job I'll never get.

 

I'm glad that I'm not the only 40-something dater out there.

[LisaLee]

• The one from OK cupid (?) - I got her #, we chatted, but it was a turn off the way she expressed she had no kids ("I have no kiddies" ) it just kinda sounded like a PLUS, even though she knew I had kids.. It just kinda sounded like "hey I have no baggage aka kids to hold me down"... never called her back nor met her.
  

I like that you were thinking of your kids on that one. Sounds like that woman was quite inconsiderate! You hear a lot about women having trouble meeting someone because of their "baggage" (a term that I hate), but it's not often you get a man's perspective.

[Star Gazer]

It sounds to me like you don't really want to put much effort into dating at all. Are you really that interested in finding a girlfriend? Chemistry and connection and all that good stuff you talk about, doesn't happen in one phone conversation, or even one meeting. If you are looking for that instant 'click' you will be looking a lonnng time.

 

+1.

 

I also think you analyze way too much, and do so actually looking for the negative. For example, the one from OKC... I have no clue how you were able to conclude that "I have no kiddies" was meant to insult you or indicate she thinks you have baggage because you do have kids.

[LisaLee]

+1.

 

I also think you analyze way too much, and do so actually looking for the negative. For example, the one from OKC... I have no clue how you were able to conclude that "I have no kiddies" was meant to insult you or indicate she thinks you have baggage because you do have kids.

 

I got the impression it was the tone she used that turned him off.

[Star Gazer]

I got the impression it was the tone she used that turned him off.

 

I would have thought that too, but combined with the negative conclusions her made from totally innocuous things, I changed my mind.

[Angel1111]

I think dating is tougher after 40, but I don't know exactly why.

 

I think I can answer this. I believe it's because when you're older, you can evaluate the character traits of a person very, very quickly and know whether things will or will not work out. And you're not so willing to go through all the nonsense that we see on this site day after day - where people continually beat their heads against the wall over relationships that will never work.

 

I think that when you're older, you can easily figure out where it's going to go without having to spend a lot of time with that person at all. If it's going to be great, you'll have a sense of that. If they annoy you or turn you off right off the bat, you know it's better to disappear. It gets simpler in the sense of identifying the wrong person, but once you get to that level of understanding, you also realize that it's difficult to find a person that you're actually compatible with; but you have no tolerance for anything less.

[alexlakeman]

Question, what will be different about being FWB from dating her? It seems like if she's that cool, why not date her. If she isn't worth dating, why sleep with her?

 

I don't get this.

 

 

She's great to talk to, hang out with, go out to dinner, go party, just stay home, very pretty, recent boob job, nice skin, she's aged well (37), her kid gets along with my kids, I love hanging out where she lives (as nice as where I live)....

 

BUT, the reason she is not gf material?

 

• A little over weight (she can wear a one piece bathing suit, looks nice in sexy underwear from Vicky's...and no stretch marks, but she is overweight...
  
• AND she doesn't have the kid's father living in our town, so near impossible to spend the night alone together, go on vacation alone (I travel alot), or just spend time alone at home...
  

 

I could probably live with the weight issue, but the kid issue is a deal breaker.. I got two of my own, but have contingencies in place so I can have every other weekend free...

[alexlakeman]

You don't think you are picky? It sounds to me like you are very picky. There is nothing wrong with being like that, but if you want to figure out why you aren't having any luck dating, you should acknowledge that it does have something to do with you so you can be one step closer to finding someone that suits you.

 

It sounds to me like you don't really want to put much effort into dating at all. Are you really that interested in finding a girlfriend? Chemistry and connection and all that good stuff you talk about, doesn't happen in one phone conversation, or even one meeting. If you are looking for that instant 'click' you will be looking a lonnng time.

 

Well, not any more picky than women are... Very picky? Maybe, I am not desperate, so that is a good thing... I don't think I said "no luck in dating", I meant more in finding a LTR candidate... I can go date someone right now, or one of the ones I met that we clicked, but I didn't like physically, but there is no desperation...

 

You do click sometimes on the first phone call... It's happened on more than one occasion with me.. you have something in common, or like going to the same places... it happens..

 

I put effort into it, but it's not a job, and it's not like I have to find some one NOW, it might be tomorrow, next week, next month, but I just don't want to waste my time "dating" someone that I know I do not want to spend the rest of my life with. I've had what I liked in the past and know what I want in a woman... In the interim I just go out on a few dates here and there, but like I said I am stepping back for a couple of weeks or a few weeks, not sure, but just time for myself ...

[Pfiend101]

How old are you? What is your profession?

[EricaH329]

Well, not any more picky than women are... Very picky? Maybe, I am not desperate, so that is a good thing... I don't think I said "no luck in dating", I meant more in finding a LTR candidate... I can go date someone right now, or one of the ones I met that we clicked, but I didn't like physically, but there is no desperation...

 

I am not saying you are picky in a negative way. Everyone is entitled to their own standards. But you said in the original thread that you weren't sure if it was because you are picky that you are having a hard time, or because the women you have been meeting 'suck'. All I am saying, is that from your own descriptions of these women, it doesn't sound like they 'suck' to me... it sounds like they don't fit your standards.

 

You do click sometimes on the first phone call... It's happened on more than one occasion with me.. you have something in common, or like going to the same places... it happens..

 

I put effort into it, but it's not a job, and it's not like I have to find some one NOW, it might be tomorrow, next week, next month, but I just don't want to waste my time "dating" someone that I know I do not want to spend the rest of my life with. I've had what I liked in the past and know what I want in a woman... In the interim I just go out on a few dates here and there, but like I said I am stepping back for a couple of weeks or a few weeks, not sure, but just time for myself ...

 

I understand the whole not wanting to waste your time dating someone if you don't have a connection thing, I get that. But if you base your connection with another person off of one phone conversation, or one meeting, then you are going to go through a llloottt of these types of situations where you find yourself single.

 

I'll be honest with you, the way i'm seeing it is that you aren't that worried about a connection at all. You are worried about the woman meeting your standards. For example: Is she pretty enough? Is she fit? Is she ok with children? Is she able to travel? You get the point. All of that has nothing to do with an emotional connection. They have to do with the standards you have set for yourself. And, again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that... but I think you should acknowledge the fact that your standards are getting in the way of you dating before any type of emotional connection is.

 

Just my two cents.

[Cee]

Alex,

 

Just curious, what is your age range in dating?

 

I have noticed that men my age (I'm 40) tend to go younger (24-33), which knocks me out of the running. I would go for older guys, but I don't know many 50 year olds who like going out club dancing till 6 am. Also, I look pretty young for my age and everybody thinks I'm around 30.

 

Because I look young, I've dated younger men quite a bit, but it never has LTR potential. Usually, we date for a couple of weeks, go fwb, and then drift apart.

[alexlakeman]

Alex,

 

Just curious, what is your age range in dating?

 

I have noticed that men my age (I'm 40) tend to go younger (24-33), which knocks me out of the running. I would go for older guys, but I don't know many 50 year olds who like going out club dancing till 6 am. Also, I look pretty young for my age and everybody thinks I'm around 30.

 

Because I look young, I've dated younger men quite a bit, but it never has LTR potential. Usually, we date for a couple of weeks, go fwb, and then drift apart.

 

I just turned 45.I actually do NOT date women much under 40's most of the time, so I'd say from high 30's to mid 40's. The problem with dating someone early - mid 30's is that a lot of them don't have kids and want to start a family and I am not wanting more children.. so it wouldn't be fair to the woman. Last time (about 7 yrs ago) I dated someone, about ten years younger, we had a great relationship, lived together, and were together for 3 years.. but then she decided she wanted a child... so it really wasn't fair for me to say no, so the relationship just dwindled ...

 

Yeah, I think a lot of the guys in their 40's that date women in their 20's or early 30's are recently divorced and just like going for the nice fresh meat, to put it bluntly... but how much compatibility can a 20 something woman have with a 40 some guy.... when she's 40, the guy is going to be freakin 60...

[bac]

Do you know what are you looking for?

If you focus on age, looks and sex, it has nothing to do with a LTR.

You need to know what you are looking for in terms of intellectual, emotional and social connection. What qualities/things are you looking in terms of the connections?

[Cee]

Thanks for allaying my fears.

 

At least I know there's a couple single men my age who'd date a 40-year old. If there's one, there's more.

[Mad Max]

Thanks for allaying my fears.

 

At least I know there's a couple single men my age who'd date a 40-year old. If there's one, there's more.

 

 

I'd date a 40 year old. I don't think my mom would take too kindly to that though.

[alexlakeman]

Thanks for allaying my fears.

 

At least I know there's a couple single men my age who'd date a 40-year old. If there's one, there's more.

 

So at 40 what would be your age range be?

 

I definitely not picky in ages, up to a certain # and from as low as another # (age), as I mentioned b4. BUT, ball is really in the women's court. You see some women in the 40-47 range that look great, no wrinkles areound the eyes, soft skin, no veins popping out from the top of their hands, no immer tube looking waist, makeup. Nice mani's & pedi's and they look great! But then you see others that look 5-10 yrs older, uggghhh.

 

The 15 year marriage I had, she was 3 yrs older, my last long term relatiobship she was one year older, the prio LTR 1 year older than me as well, and the one prio, 1-2 yrs older, BUT they definitely looked great for their age; no sun damage to skin, etc.

[bac]

So at 40 what would be your age range be?

 

the 15 year marriage I had, she was 3 yrs older, my last long term relatiobship she was one year older, the prio LTR 1 year older than me as well, and the one prio, 1-2 yrs older, BUT they definitely looked great for their age; no sun damage to skin, etc.

 

I think your age range is fine.

 

IMO you have a very good potential for a LTR.

 

My advice is to try to figure out what qualities on emotional, intellectual, social level your previous LTR's women had. The qualities you might want to look for in women online.

Do not pay all your attention to age and pics because people look different than their pics and age. I do not mean that you should meet women who you do not like, but I mean that you give women's pics and age benefit of doubt.

 

IMO, the most important thing before the first meeting is to figure out by emails/other communication, except texting, if the women have emotional and intellectual potential for a LTR with you.

You can not figure out the things on the first meetings because the meetings are mostly about good time, small talk and being afraid of being yourself. Texting is wrong to figure out the things as well. All the first activities are energy and time consuming. They are a waste time with wrong people who might be attractive but who are totally wrong for any relationship.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Honestly, I don't view it as "shallow" to seek a partner that you find very attractive.

 

There is something about your assessment of women, though, that really makes me uncomfortable.

 

If you want to date women in the upper 30's to low 40's age range but absolutely reject features of age such as "wrinkles around the eyes," I think your chances for success are slim, unless you find a lot of women who have had "work done."

 

I've read a lot of your posts. You really don't seem to have a single requirement that is not hollowly superficial. The right age, size 3 - 4, no wish for kids, all about drinking and "happy hour," no wrinkles around eyes or veins showing in hands (IMO pretty benign signs of the departure of absolute youth). Great feature of your ex? Recent boob job. First listed reason not to date FWB? "Overweight" (good enough for a "one piece bathing suit").

 

You can find some women who will fulfill these requirements. Would you be happy with a happy hour frequenting bimbo who does? I'm thinking "yes."

 

How's that all going to look in ten years?

 

What exactly are YOU bringing to the theoretical relationship? I mean, besides the happy hour partying? What do you CARE about? What moves you? What are your theories on how to raise and spend time with your own kids? How would your woman be fitting in with those questions?

 

Are you absolutely hot for an old guy? Let's see pictures! I hope you have no wrinkles around your eyes or no little paunchiness going on. No jowls or sagginess under your chin, either. What do you do to keep from getting kind of puffy from all the drinking you enjoy?

[alexlakeman]

H................

If you want to date women in the upper 30's to low 40's age range but absolutely reject features of age such as "wrinkles around the eyes," I think your chances for success are slim, unless you find a lot of women who have had "work done."

 

I've read a lot of your posts. You really don't seem to have a single requirement that is not hollowly superficial. The right age, size 3 - 4, no wish for kids, all about drinking and "happy hour," no wrinkles around eyes or veins showing in hands (IMO pretty benign signs of the departure of absolute youth). Great feature of your ex? Recent boob job. First listed reason not to date FWB? "Overweight" (good enough for a "one piece bathing suit").

..............rinking you enjoy?

 

I've dated a good number of women in that age bracket that take care of themselves, get their pedi's and mani's done on a regular basis, their facials, etc. That's the visual needs, but of course there are other needs as well, but if they can't get passed the visual (first impression) no sense talking about the other MORE important items (ie I would prefer if they had atleast an undergrad degree, that they have the flexibility to travel with me, that they are not living pay check to pay check, that they have a great relationship with their kids, that they do have some one to take care of the kids when I want to spend a weekend alone or go out over night.

 

I want it all, the whole package; size and bathing suit are important, for example b/c I am very much a water person. I am either in the pool, at the beach, or out on the boat every weekend, almost year round. I scuba dive for a sport.. so I obviously enjoy seeing a nice body in a bikini..nothing wrong with that. If I take the time to work out and look 1/2 azz in shape a woman can do the same.. ALL the women I date have had kids, so the "she's had kids" excuse for being fat is not valid.

 

Life is made of choices; I like nice breasts, nice skin, nice long hair, nice smooth legs...

 

I always say when I am talking to someone as a potential gf; "We are all looking for 4-5 different things in a potential SO, but you can NOT find it all in one person". I am aware of that.. ie, I've dated a number of women who have not been as fortunate and do not have a grad degree or an undergrad degree, but that's been fine, they can still hold a conversation, I can still take them to a company function and they know how to act, etc..

 

Yeah, that FWB would be great, except the issue with no one to take care of her child and a little chunky.. beautiful no doubt...

 

Also, while I am not rich nor even well off, I want someone in the similar tax bracket, so if we ever move in together, I am not supporting them...

 

Honestly,///You can find some women who will fulfill these requirements. Would you be happy with a happy hour frequenting bimbo who does? I'm thinking "yes." njoy?

 

What do I care about? The most important thing in my life are my children, NUMBER ONE, my career NUMBER TWO, and a potential SO..... When I do have a SO, as in the past, she is slotted right after my children...only logical.. it's a package deal.. I need all three, can't live with out any of them (career, kids, nor SO).

 

Are you calling every pretty female on this board a bimbo? You can have a package deal; pretty, smart, successful career, great mom, etc... The last girl I went out with (the one date $100 happy hour a few weeks ago, example) was 46, but she looked mid-high 30's, with THREE kids, but she was very well taken care of..

 

How's that all going to look in ten years?

 

What exactly are YOU bringing to the theoretical relationship? I mean, besides the happy hour partying? What do you CARE about? What moves you? What are your theories on how to raise and spend time with your own kids? How would your woman be fitting in with those questions?

 

Are you absolutely hot for an old guy? Let's see pictures! I hope you have no wrinkles around your eyes or no little paunchiness going on. No jowls or sagginess under your chin, either. What do you do to keep from getting kind of puffy from all the drinking you enjoy?

 

What do I bring to the table? Well, I know what I bring to the table and that's my job to show a potential SO; caring, attentive, gentleman, good in bed, likes having fun either in doors or out; I mean the typical things a couple would do and enjoys is what I Can contribute to the relationship...and much more but that's not the subject on this thread, it's the women,lol

 

In ten years? No problem, I will have ages ten years as well. Ten years ago, I was 34-35, so a 44 yr old would've been old for me.. today a 44 is fine.. in ten years a 54 will be fine..

 

Well what I care about is what I discuss with a potential SO, have no doubt I have to sell myself too, it's a two way street.. I do have to show a potential SO what I bring to the table, besides the obvious that she first sees (the physical aspect ).

 

Correct, I have no wrinkles are the eyes nor forehead, and no botox, lol. Am I perfect? No, doesn't mean I can't have it in a woman, which I have in the past..

 

Remember, us men are more physical. More women are with over weight guys than guys are with over weight women. Men, as myself, love having some eye candy next to us, with all the above qualifications of course.. Hey look at Sarah Palin.. she's hot and she's not a bimbo! LOL.. That would be a good example of what I look for in a female.. she's not fat, she's has nice skin, nice hair, dresses sharp, pretty, and smart, AND a great mom...

 

ons?

 

Are you absolutely hot for an old guy? Let's see pictures!

 

It's in my profile.

Edited October 6, 2010 by alexlakeman