jzsgirl1234 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 (edited) I have been dating my boyfriend for three years now, and all of a sudden we are fighting a lot. Last night, when we were talking on the phone after a fight because I found out he lied to me, he said "maybe we shouldn't try anymore at this, I don't know if I want to day a girl right now..." I thought this was a slip up of words so I joked about it. Today we met up to try and talk things through and he confessed to me that he doesn't know what's wrong with him. He claims to be really confused because he is not attracted to men whatsoever and has never considered dating a man, but he has thought numerous times about preforming oral sex on a man. He is also curious about having something in his anus. He has always been really obsessed with head, in fact he has a very obsessive personality so I limit the amount of times I give him head because I don't want it to become routine, but something special. He thinks that touching a man would be gross and never consider dating a man, but he also questions why when he is jacking off his mind might wonder. He says this only happens when he is jacking himself off, and never when he is with me. He finds women attractive, he just thinks about penis. I think this is because of his obsessive personality and his obsessiveness with his only body. He loves having sex, and loves the womanly body parts so I am very confused. I told him I'll be there for him no matter what and he told me he would never actually be with a man. He then asked if perhaps I would put a dildo in his ass just to try the one time. I also questioned if I gave him head more often if that would be suffice, or if he just wants to do it himself. He now laughs about it because after saying it, it sounds crazy to him. He has always been interested in girls and this just keeps coming up inside his head, but now that he said it, He thinks it's slightly crazy. I should mention that he still wants a women when he has these thoughts. He just wants to experiment too he says. He doesn't want to actually do anything, but thinks about it. It is as if a women isn't enough. I have explained that if he is with me, its with me and no one else and he won't be able to do anything with a penis (being I don't have one!). He says this is fine and thats what he wants. Should I be worried that he is just hiding it from me? He was completely honest so I don't know why all of a sudden he would try to take it all back and pretend he's over it, or if he is just embarrassed. Is it normal for a guy to think of something just because of a fetish with his own penis, or is this a sign of being gay? Edited September 28, 2010 by jzsgirl1234 forgot to add something in
TaraMaiden Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 He may be bisexual, or just a hetero male who's curious. It happens. A lot more hertero guys have anal sex, or give blow-jobs than you'd imagine. (see link). It doesn't bracket them into a specific sexual persuasion category. It just makes them sexually adventurous....
tigressA Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 It sounds like he's gay and is in serious denial about it. He's protesting way too much about not being attracted to men, yet he still has these desires that he tells you about. Judging from your post it could take some time for him to acknowledge his true feelings. In my experience, guys I've known who have felt very much like your BF feels have later acknowledged they in fact are gay. I say get out now. Trust me, you'll be much less bummed out about it now than you would be once you discover he's hooking up with a guy.
TaraMaiden Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 (Is 'bummed out' an appropriate term, here.....?:confused: )
tigressA Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 (Is 'bummed out' an appropriate term, here.....?:confused: ) Oh goodness, I didn't even realize...
aerogurl87 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 He sounds bi or at the least bi-curious. Ok the anal thing I can understand. My boyfriend loves having me finger him and making him wear a butt plug, but if I were to even ask him to touch another guy in any sexual way for him that would be grounds for a break up. He just likes having his bum pleased, which bothers me none since the only person he wants doing it is a female, me. But wanting to suck a guy off? That's a sign that he's bi-curious. Maybe not gay, but definitely bi-curious at the least.
lilbunny Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 (Is 'bummed out' an appropriate term, here.....?:confused: ) Tara I'm so glad you posted that, I was thinking it! I have a dear male friend. He is married with 3 children. I know he is very attracted to women, loves his wife, is not in the slightest bit unhappy with his life choices and I can't imagine him ever leaving. With all that in mind I also know this man has has several sexual experiences with men, not unlike what you have described your bf as something he has thought about. He would never entertain the idea of any sort of R with a man, so I can say that it is not necessarily the case that he must be gay. I think some of the suggestions you have made show a willingness to experiment, but you have made your limits clear. I was wondering how old you and your bf are? I think people are more likely to experience confusion about their sexuality when they are younger. If he is finding this difficult, would some IC help him to work through these feelings and his own identity?
Author jzsgirl1234 Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 we are both 21 years old
jw90063 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Well, all we can conclude here really is that he is not 100% straight.
Author jzsgirl1234 Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 thank you tara for that article, it does explain a lot about what he might be going through. I think it is just a sexual fantasy perhaps?
jw90063 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 thank you tara for that article, it does explain a lot about what he might be going through. I think it is just a sexual fantasy perhaps? I don't think fantasizing about going down on another guy and getting it in the butt is strictly fantasy.
Tiberius Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 I guess some girls like girly men and some men prefer tough women. Maybe he is that way.
Author jzsgirl1234 Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 so you think it is something i should be concerned about? i should also mention then when i asked him about what he sees in the future for himself, he said he sees a wife and kids and thats what he wants. he has never crushed on a guy or been intimate with a guy. he said that even thinking about it makes him feel uncomfortable which makes me think he just doesnt want to beleive the possibility.... or that it is strictly a weird thought.
Author jzsgirl1234 Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 I guess some girls like girly men and some men prefer tough women. Maybe he is that way. he isnt girly at all. he is very manly, i have never been concerned in the least about his sexual desires before now.
Author jzsgirl1234 Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 I don't think fantasizing about going down on another guy and getting it in the butt is strictly fantasy. i fully agree! this is what i said too... but he claims that we he has thought about it, there was never a mans face or a mans body... it was just a penis. and he would never want to put his penis in a guys anus, he was really turned on by me doing it to him the one time with a dildo to try it.
TaraMaiden Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Why not broach the subject and show him that article? Maybe part of the problem may be that he feels guilt, or shame about his fantasy, and thinks it's not normal. It may be that he's changing some details either to protect you, or even himself from admitting this is something that is on his mind a lot. If you show him that this is not uncommon, and that you are supportive and understanding, hopefully, he will feel more comfortable with the situation. The big question really is - how do you feel about all this? How is this affecting you, and your take on your sexuality (both collective, and just yours)?
lilbunny Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 I'm guessing from your posts that this isn't a total deal breaker for you. Regardless of labels, do you have any reason to conclude that he isn't turned on by you? It sounds like you have a very open and active sex life, so there is no issue with that. Taking gender out of the equation, is this man likely to cheat on you? If not then these things will remain a fantasy and if you are ok with that there is no reason for this to have a negative impact on your relationship. I'm certain the majority of people even in the most stable and happy relationships have the odd fantasy that involves someone other than their partner, it doesn't mean they will go out an act on it. You are still both young and curiosity and experimentation are both normal and healthy. It only becomes a problem if he needs to act on these thoughts is overwhelming and leads to him cheating to achieve that.
Author jzsgirl1234 Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 Why not broach the subject and show him that article? Maybe part of the problem may be that he feels guilt, or shame about his fantasy, and thinks it's not normal. It may be that he's changing some details either to protect you, or even himself from admitting this is something that is on his mind a lot. If you show him that this is not uncommon, and that you are supportive and understanding, hopefully, he will feel more comfortable with the situation. The big question really is - how do you feel about all this? How is this affecting you, and your take on your sexuality (both collective, and just yours)? To be honest, this comes as a huge shock to me. Never have I questioned his sexuality, nor anyone I know. He is so manly; hates shopping, watches football, and most importantly seems like he idolizes me. That is why I think it might be nothing to worry about, I just think that when he thought about it -- it made him nervous and now he is drivign himself crazy thinking he isn'y straight. I will definitely show him the article (I did try ot explain that I think thoughts are sort of OK, but acting upon them is an issue for our relationship). I am OK with the fact that it could be true, but I cant see how it could be. It just wouldnt make sense with his personality at all. And of course, if it were the case we clearly wouldnt be dating.
Author jzsgirl1234 Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 I'm guessing from your posts that this isn't a total deal breaker for you. Regardless of labels, do you have any reason to conclude that he isn't turned on by you? It sounds like you have a very open and active sex life, so there is no issue with that. Taking gender out of the equation, is this man likely to cheat on you? If not then these things will remain a fantasy and if you are ok with that there is no reason for this to have a negative impact on your relationship. I'm certain the majority of people even in the most stable and happy relationships have the odd fantasy that involves someone other than their partner, it doesn't mean they will go out an act on it. You are still both young and curiosity and experimentation are both normal and healthy. It only becomes a problem if he needs to act on these thoughts is overwhelming and leads to him cheating to achieve that. Nope. he would never cheat on me.
Lost Fish Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 What does it matter if he's bi or not? As a straight male, I can say that the thought of another dude sexually in any type of way is revolting and a definite turn off/mood killer. My mind simply does not "wander there" as your boyfriend. That being said, I have been friends with "manly" type guys who are uber masculine, but then have said some pretty odd things while drunk. A female friend of mine is married to a guy who is definitely bisexual. They have a daughter now, and I am not sure if it is the happiest of marriages. As you are only 21 I would just try to be open and honest with him about everything. Also, if you notice you are becoming unhappy in the relationship in time then consider maybe letting him go. A tricky situation, to be sure... good luck.
Lost Fish Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 My main point about "what does it matter if he's bisexual" - is that as long as he keeps you happy in all facets of the relationship, then it shouldn't matter. If his curiosity is getting in the way of your relationship (if you are really weirded out or if this is putting distance between you two with no clear resolution), then I would really look at if it is salvageable or not through honest communication. Then decide to keep him or move on.
Author jzsgirl1234 Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 (edited) My main point about "what does it matter if he's bisexual" - is that as long as he keeps you happy in all facets of the relationship, then it shouldn't matter. If his curiosity is getting in the way of your relationship (if you are really weirded out or if this is putting distance between you two with no clear resolution), then I would really look at if it is salvageable or not through honest communication. Then decide to keep him or move on. I am not really that weirded out because I know he wouldn't ever go through with it. He tends to make himself crazy; once he gets an idea in his head its non-stop. Although this is a really odd idea considering he is "straight", I know he would never cheat on me with a guy or actually pursue it. It does bother me that he would continuously think about it though. Now that he has told me, and I've told him either way I'll be there for him, he said "no I definitely wouldn't want a relationship with a man and I want to be with you". I hope by saying it it makes him feel like he got it out of his system. I made it very easy for him to end the relationship and that I would be there for him. He told me to never tell anyone, and that he trusted me and is confused with his thoughts and hates that he even thought about it before. He said "I know that I cant be gay now that I have told you and I actually hear it outside of just my thoughts, it just sounds so wrong". I just dont know if I should beleive it, or if he is in fact gay. Does it make him gay though? Not want a man but just a penis? It's also weird to me that thats all he would ever think about is a penis and no actual body or man. I asked if he would kiss a guy and he was so repulsed I would even ask. Edited September 28, 2010 by jzsgirl1234
lilbunny Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 I am not really that weirded out because I know he wouldn't ever go through with it. He tends to make himself crazy; once he gets an idea in his head its non-stop. Although this is a really odd idea considering he is "straight", I know he would never cheat on me with a guy or actually pursue it. It does bother me that he would continuously think about it though. Now that he has told me, and I've told him either way I'll be there for him, he pretty much said "no I definitely wouldn't want a relationship with a man and I want to be with you". I hope by saying it it makes him feel like he got it out of his system. The more you say the more it sounds like you have a pretty strong and solid R and a pretty mature outlook. It sound like you are open, honest and supportive. I think he is struggling with this far more than you. Do you think it bothers him enough to suggest some IC, or might he be able to work through this on his own.
Author jzsgirl1234 Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 The more you say the more it sounds like you have a pretty strong and solid R and a pretty mature outlook. It sound like you are open, honest and supportive. I think he is struggling with this far more than you. Do you think it bothers him enough to suggest some IC, or might he be able to work through this on his own. No! He would never tell anyone about it. He wouldn't ever go for help or anything, and by telling me I think he has come to terms that perhaps its not something he wants, but just a fantasy. He is very sexual, and loves oral sex (as mentioned previously) so as weird as it is that he only thinks of that really, isnt that odd to me. I just wish it was more clear -- if he found men attractive or lusted after any man in particular. I also think that he just fantasizes about it because he wants it more often (which is why I suggested that) and he was very interested. I think that when he thinks about it, maybe hes thinking about him getting head, as if hes performing on no one but himself? Weird huh? its jsut strange that he wouldnt picture a man JUST the penis.
Lost Fish Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Does it make him gay though? Not want a man but just a penis? It's also weird to me that thats all he would ever think about is a penis and no actual body or man. I asked if he would kiss a guy and he was so repulsed I would even ask. If he is sexually attracted to a penis, then yes, he's bisexual. I am not sexually attracted to a penis. I am not bisexual. I don't really understand why you are so hung up on this part of it. His want of penis is a small part of the overall issue here.
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