gypsy_nicky Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 When you are facing constant rejection, it's time to lower your standards. Very hot male players tend to go for average to slighlty above average looking girls because it's easier to get them... In other words, guys that are say 9 go for girls that are 6 and are almost never rejected. If you are a 6 trying going for a 3. I don't like it, but such is life... what world do you live in? This is so false. The 9's and 10's (guys) do not date down, but they will accept casual 'offers'. It is usually women that date down in terms of looks. Players do not have to be 10's or 9's. They can be lower in quality and usually play on women much lower or at the same level of attractiveness as them.
gypsy_nicky Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 (edited) My deep fear of rejection is absolutely crippling my dating life. Right now I've gotten to the point where I'll only try to pursue a girl that I'm strongly interested in. And of course when she rejects me, it hurts like hell. Earlier today I sent a text to a girl that I've been talking to in class. I asked her what she was up to. My intention was to suggest we hang out. When she didn't reply to my initial message, I got very angry and it basically ruined my day. I did not try to contact her again. So now I think she's a bitch and she's so stuck up for ignoring me, yada yada yada. It's ridiculous how upset I get over crap like this. I can't imagine who much it will hurt to get rejected to my face, when I can barely handle a girl not returning a text. If I just stopped giving a damn, I'd have a much happier life. Seriously man, rejection hurts. I don't think you fear it that much though, because your still driven in asking some women out. If you stopped giving a damn, then why ask someone out if your interested in them?? It doesn't make sense. Doesn't that mean indifference on your part?? A lot of the people here are putting out macho crap that they have somehow solved the dilemma of pain when being rejected. You guys are either crazy or asexual. Rejection will and always will be painful. The more it happens to you, the lower you'll sink but at the same time after it happens you'll find coping mechanisms to deal with it and figure out why you keep getting rejected. That's why after the number game you tread carefully. this is what you'll have to figure out>>>(If your stuck in a loop of constant rejection, then maybe there's something off putting with you or with what your doing OR your chasing the wrong women) Edited September 28, 2010 by gypsy_nicky
carhill Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 this is what you'll have to figure out>>>(If your stuck in a loop of constant rejection, then maybe there's something off putting with you or with what your doing OR your chasing the wrong women) Re-reading the OP, I think this advice bears repeating. IMO, if the OP changes some of the parameters he *chooses* to follow when determining and acting upon interest in a woman, his fears will diminish. For example, strong interest. Try 'hey, she caught my eye. I'll ask her out' Don't build strong interest, but acknowledge some interest. Another example. 'What's up?' Instead, try 'I'd like you to join me for xxxx (a casual, but not group, activity) after school. Would you like to?' If rejected, because there is little to no emotional investment, equally little hurt, anger or resentment results. For myself, the key was acknowledging the interest at the intellectual level but keeping it compartmentalized there, segregating it away from emotions. Everyone's psychology is unique, but this definitely has worked for me. I've been rejected plenty as a separated man, to be sure, not to mention the ultimate rejection of my wife divorcing me. We *choose* how we process that stuff. I still push back at people who reject with rude or disingenuous comments, because enforcing boundaries (in this case, of decorum and respect) is healthy. Handling it immediately, in person, diffuses further emotional investment and strengthens the boundary. Fortunately, such situations are very rare IME. Most women I meet are quite gracious in their rejections.
counterman Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 I think I have gotten over my fear of rejection. I never got mad when I was rejected. I got upset, as though it was a reflection on me. However, not everyone is going to be interested in me, just like I am not going to be interested in everyone. Why get worked up over something so trivial? I believe that if I fear it, it will show and if I do ask a girl out with fear, I will get rejected because the lack of confidence shows. So, why fear it? I am not going to lie. Maybe I do hurt a little but I shrug it off so fast that I wouldn't even know I was hurting. That's key. There's other things to worry about than putting my approval in the hands of a stranger.
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 what world do you live in? This is so false. The 9's and 10's (guys) do not date down, but they will accept casual 'offers'. It is usually women that date down in terms of looks. Players do not have to be 10's or 9's. They can be lower in quality and usually play on women much lower or at the same level of attractiveness as them. No, they don't date down in terms of LTRs but if they want to pick up for sex, they will go for less good looking girls. Also, players don't have to be 9s or 10s of course, but I was specifically talking about players that ARE 9s or 10s. I am friends with some and their strategy for picking up chicks on Saturday nights is to go for average looking ones as they are more likely to "give it up" sooner.
Author somedude81 Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 You shouldn't be focusing on looks. You should be going for personality. No one said to go for ugly girls. The last girl I was interested was around 5'8" and over 200 pounds. What drew me to her was her personality. I'm 165 pounds at 6'1", so obviously I'm not huge and certainly no where near 200 pounds. And I'm not ugly. Being 5'6" isn't a dealbreaker. Your lack of confidence is. Personality is very important. But if she doesn't meet my minimum criteria, her personality doesn't matter. There are tons of average girls with cool personalities. Yeah I got over my fear of rejection when I was 22. Before that I was to afraid to even ask a girl out let alone kiss and touch her. From what I've read in your previous posts, you got over your fear of rejection when you got your first girlfriend. Obviously that's not really helpful for me as I'm still trying to get my first girlfriend at 29. Look ASK GIRLS OUT IN PERSON... not over txt message. Honestly I just wanted to hang out with her. It was super hot yesterday and I didn't want to go back to my apartment that doesn't have AC. (When I got home at 7pm it was 98 degrees inside!) She lives on campus and I was there till about 6:30. I was going to suggest we play pool or something to pass the time, but she didn't even have the nerve to reply to my first message. Seriously JUST DO IT. The more girls you ask out the less you will care when one rejects you. Plus if you keep asking girls out you'll get "YES" as an answer and before you know it you will be casualy dating a few girls... and then before you know it you will have a gf. Don't go out with girls you are not completly attracted to. A girl you label as a 6 is probably HARDER to get then a girl you think is a 9 or what ever. I don't know if asking out more girls would make me care less. I see each rejection as a negative hit against me. That's why I want to avoid asking out girls that I think will say yes. Of course I get a little ego boos when a girl accepts. But when things fall apart before I can do anything with her, I feel worse than before. I do only try to go out with girls I'm attracted to. It's the combination of looks and personality. I don't feel any attraction to women based solely on their looks. I need to get to know her a little first. Seriously Somedude if I put my mind in your body I would have like 3 dates by the end of the week. Dates that you would consider HOTT!!That's a great example. You could also put my brain into somebody like Orlando Bloom's body and I'll get absolutely nothing. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t246608/ IME, the clear imperative is operating initially at the superficial levels of care and without significant contact or interest. Interaction and interest breeds care, which, for platonic friendships based on similar interests and without sexual and romantic intimacy, works fine, because the emotional investment dynamic is different. Let the care develop during the dating process, as appropriate. If there is no date (rejection), then there is no care, ergo nothing to fear, fear being based on the results of the interaction mattering in some significant way. My problem is that throughout my life I have received very little female attention. I didn't start having real conversations with girls till I was 22. Feminine attention is like gold to me. So when a girl is friendly towards me, I start to get interested. In my youth, girls have been very rude towards me. So I have the fear of jumping the gun by asking them out to soon and getting more rudeness. Because of the fear I really don't put moves on girls and I end up becoming friends with girls that I like. I really want girls to like me and eventually I come to a point where the friendship isn't enough. All it really takes is one girl to like me, but that feels impossible. Trust me I've been in your shoes and its tough, but I think you are getting some really good advice in this thread. Yes, you are taking it to personally. I've been rejected and it stings some at first but if you really value yourself and are comfortable in your own skin it should wear off pretty quickly. And that's another problem. I don't value myself at all. How can I? I see myself as a complete failure in the thing I want to accomplish the most. Do whatever you need to do to get over that rejection quickly, but the best way is to ask another girl. I definetely haven't mastered that yet, but Green is right, don't waste time with indirect texts, get to the point and make it clear you want to take them somewhere fun and plant the idea that you want them (in your bed ). I've never been one to quickly get over rejection. Of course focusing on a new girl overrides the interest in the old one. But when I get rejected by the new girl as well, I start to hate all women, and myself. I agree with others too that you are getting way too emotionally invested in one girl at a time. It will ruin any other chance you have if you are stuck on one lame chick who isn't in to you at all. If your attention isn't appreciated (and it is usually obvious) then give it to someone who will appreciate it and reciprocate. I know you have your standards and I'm not telling you to lower them. That is BS and will only get you more hurt in the long run. Stick to your standards just throw more darts.As I mentioned before, I don't get a lot of attention from women. So when I find one, who actually seems to give a damn about me, I latch on to her. Years ago I learned not to show neediness so I'm much more careful about that. Right now I have a hard time separating a girl being friendly from one who is interested. In my mind, a girl being nice to me on a regular basis, means that she has some interest in me. Of course I know that, that is wrong. Also I really only accept a rejection is if the girl tells me, or is rude to me or she completely ignores me. Seriously man, rejection hurts. I don't think you fear it that much though, because your still driven in asking some women out. No, I fear it greatly. It's just that I try to do everything in my power to lessen the odds of being shot down. Mainly that's trying to establish a connection first. There are girls that I see every day that I want to ask out, but I'm too scared to do so. Every once in a while, when I feel a good enough connection, I take a shot. This year, I've only asked out three girls. I had a couple of dates with one, but the second date kind of felt like a pity date and she ignored me from then on. If you stopped giving a damn, then why ask someone out if your interested in them?? It doesn't make sense. Doesn't that mean indifference on your part?? A lot of the people here are putting out macho crap that they have somehow solved the dilemma of pain when being rejected. You guys are either crazy or asexual. Rejection will and always will be painful. The more it happens to you, the lower you'll sink but at the same time after it happens you'll find coping mechanisms to deal with it and figure out why you keep getting rejected. That's why after the number game you tread carefully. That's what I'm really confused about. I guess the point is, to get rejection to a point where it's still painful but it doesn't hurt enough to paralyze you. It's like getting a shot. When I was a kid it terrified me. Now getting a shot still hurts but I do it anyways because it has to be done. And of course I don't look forward to it. If I could look at rejection as just something that has to be done, knowing that it will still hurt; I'd be able to go through it more often. this is what you'll have to figure out>>>(If your stuck in a loop of constant rejection, then maybe there's something off putting with you or with what your doing OR your chasing the wrong women)I've chased a wide variety of women so I know the problem isn't with them, unless they have some kind of hive mind I know the issue is me. I'm a 5'6 white guy with an average to slightly above average face. My suspicion is that woman are insta-rejecting me based on my appearance alone, but I have no way to find out. As for my personality, I get the feeling that something is off but I can't really tell what it is. I can make female friends, so that tells me that I'm doing something right. But how to actually get a woman to like me enough to want to date me, is a complete mystery. Re-reading the OP, I think this advice bears repeating. IMO, if the OP changes some of the parameters he *chooses* to follow when determining and acting upon interest in a woman, his fears will diminish. For example, strong interest. Try 'hey, she caught my eye. I'll ask her out' Don't build strong interest, but acknowledge some interest. That's not enough grounds for me to risk a rejection. Which brings me to the question of, why do I care if some girl I don't even know rejects me? As you said, most women aren't rude. I think I have gotten over my fear of rejection. I never got mad when I was rejected. I got upset, as though it was a reflection on me. However, not everyone is going to be interested in me, just like I am not going to be interested in everyone. Why get worked up over something so trivial? I get upset because, no one is interested in me. Each rejection, for me, is another loss in the battle of me vs. women. Also, players don't have to be 9s or 10s of course, but I was specifically talking about players that ARE 9s or 10s. I am friends with some and their strategy for picking up chicks on Saturday nights is to go for average looking ones as they are more likely to "give it up" sooner. I have no interest in quick/casual sex. What I want is to have a girl that I get along with that I can do stuff and go places with. Of course sex is also a part of that. I don't know what to call that type of relationship.
Green Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Only way to get over a fear is to FACE IT! I mean you have to go out there and get REALLY REJECTED and realize that ITS OK! You seemed to relate to when I said "If I put my mind in your body I'd do good with girls" you replied "If I put my mind in Orlando Blooms body I'd do bad" which is probably true if you minused away his fame and money... My point is if you realize this then you see how silly it is to take this personal. These girls know NOTHING about you even if you have talked a few times. I mean even if they knew you as a friend for a year STILL no reason to take it personaly. And don't blame it on ur height or looks BECAUSE I KNOW I would be able to get pretty girls with ur looks. Do may favor... A BIG FAVOR. ASK 50 girls (you find attractive) OUT ON DATES... Just do it person, make it something clear like "Lets get coffee" or "Lets go to a great resteraunt I know" and then while on the date KISS THEM. You figure out the details... DON'T OVER ANAYLYZE just ASK THEM out (small talk first or just do what ever u think will work) (the phone number isn't ur goal asking them out is... the number will be given naturaly as part of saying yes to ur date... if they say no... then try to get some contact info... basicly no matter the answer YES or NO just wip out ur phone and have them put their number in... If you ask 50 pretty girls out over the next 2 weeks you will probably get atleast ONE date.. probably more... DONT WORRY ABOUT SCREwINg uP THE DATE... KISS THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You follow my advice and you will be closer if not over ur fear of rejection. Its as easy as just doing it. Cmon now start the UPDATES. I want you to ask atleast a few girls out today... If you are home when you read this get back in your car and go to the college starbucks or where ever you want and TALK TO SOME GIRLS. ASK THEM OUT... and KISS THEM.
Iced Mocha Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 The only way to stop fearing rejection so much is to get to a point where you realise that just because one girl rejects you, doesn't mean that another girl that you also find attractive will. You will have to set up an experiment with yourself where you ask out 20 women of a similar attractiveness level to you and see how many dates you get. This will show you that will get some yeses, and that it is a numbers game. Not every woman is going to say yes to you, and this is the same for "players" for example, I am not a fan at all of either George Clooney or David Beckham, they don't do it for me. Even the 8 or 9 guys don't get every woman they go up to!
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