Internal Validation

[Star Gazer]

This thread is meant for a particular few, but I suspect a lot of people can learn something from it.

 

As we've seen a million times in recent weeks in certain threads, the only way to truly obtain affirmation of your self-worth is through a strong core and internal validation. A strong core allows you to value yourself, who you are, and your abilities. Not being able to internally validate yourself will cause you to seek external validation, that is, validation from others, and your own fear of rejection (i.e., fear of invalidation) will prevent you from being able to reach out and connect with others in a positive, healthy way. When you have your own source of internal validation, you don't have to seek it elsewhere. Rather, you're able to interact with others in a positive way and connect with them in a healthy way without debilitating, over-analyzing fear.

 

But the thing is, YOU have to do the heavy lifting. YOU have to do the work to obtain that internal validation. Only YOU can give yourself the confidence you need. You can't get it from a hot guy liking you. You can't get it based on how quickly he responds to a text, email, or phone call. You can't get it from compliments. You can't get it from having sex with a guy. You can't get it from plastic surgery. Trust me, I know.

 

I know this, because I used to be a (much less severe) version of some of our regular posters who struggle with finding that internal validation, and who only seek it from external sources. I recall particular posters outright calling me a doormat... Touche, Lishy, and Jilly Bean all specifically come to mind. Man, I hated them for that. I was as defensive as they come. But I now know how spot on they were, and I LOVE them for it.

 

So I worked on it. I thought to myself, what are my core fears? What are my internal weaknesses? What are the things I feel insecure and unhappy about deep down in my gut? I think these things will be different for everyone. For me, I was insecure and unhappy about my physical abilities, and my lack of professional fulfillment. So I worked on those things – for me, and only me. I didn't have anyone telling me to do this, it was more of an experiment than anything. But it worked.

 

What did I do? Well, although I "skied," I wasn’t really a "skier," as I was almost deathly afraid to ski steep slopes. I knew this was something I wanted to do for myself, something I wanted to conquer. I knew I'd feel amazing if I could do it, so I made myself do it. It took a couple runs, and I did have to hire a private instructor at one point to coach me down, but I can't tell you how good it felt when I finally made it down a steep pitch without falling. And eventually I was able to make it down and actually look like I knew what I was doing – my "OMG I’m gonna die!" facial and vocal expressions disappeared, and changed to a big "Yaaaayyy!!! Weeeeee!!!" all the way down the mountain.

 

Another example? I had never done a triathalon before, and had never kayaked, but I signed up for and participated in a triathalon that included a kayak-portion (instead of swimming). I learned how to kayak just one week before the race, through rapids. I didn't care what my finish time was (not so great, but not so bad either), I just wanted to survive. And I did – and it felt AWESOME.

 

Something else: I had never Olympic weightlifted in my life, and thought I could never do a pullup. Quite frankly, after my breakup, I found myself really out of shape. I observed a couple CrossFit workouts and a small piece of me thought, "There's no way I can do that." But then I thought back to skiing and that race, and I thought, "Why not?" Now I'm kicking my own ass and impressing my coaches 3-4x a week at CrossFit, and sometimes even killing lots of my classmates in the process. And when I don't crush the workout and either puke or look like I'm going to passout in the middle of the workout (which is more often than I'd like!), I'm still impressed by what I did manage to do, because I'm always better/stronger/faster than the last workout. It also helps that the phrase "I can't" simply isn't allowed.

 

Another thing: I thought I'd never figure out how to golf, partly because I didn't have anyone to golf with (or so I thought), and partly because I kinda suck and putt-putt. So I checked around and found some lessons and started taking them 2 weeks ago, all by myself. Turns out I'm a better putter than I thought, and once friends found out that I'm golfing, they're coming out of the woodwork to play.

 

Each time I come home from doing one of these things, I see one of the most beautiful people in the world in the mirror, because she's standing there with flushed or sunburned cheeks and the biggest effing grin you've ever seen, that says, "Yeah, I did that."

 

Professionally and personally, I thought I'd never be able to successfully and confidently lead 120 women of varying backgrounds, temperaments and personalities to put on one of our organization's biggest fundraisers of the year. I thought they'd drive me crazy, or I'd somehow fail and lose their respect. But I did it, and it went smashingly well.

 

I was also terrified of changing jobs, fearful of what that would mean for my ego and station in the community as a money making big wig, but knowing that I really needed the change in order to do what I really wanted to do. I tried and tried and tried to get in to what I want to do, but was rejected by the entity I wanted to work for – twice. The third time was finally the charm, and it feels damn good to have worked so hard for it. I pinch myself everyday that I walk into my building now, and when I sit down at my desk and log in through 4 different encrypted programs and servers, I think to myself, "Yeah, I did this for myself. I finally made it to where I want to be."

 

Now, any one of these things might not seem like a big deal to some people, particularly those who are super fit or who love their job already, or even those who just don't value/care about these things. But this was all a pretty big deal for me. I have never felt more confident, secure, and happy, as I have this past year, and it's all because of the work I put in to myself. Not one part of it had anything to do with a guy. I was going after the person I wanted to be, deep down at my core, but never thought I could be. In essence, I conquered myself...and won.

 

Ladies, my point is this: NO ONE ELSE in the world could have brought me the sort of happiness I made for myself. NO ONE ELSE in the world could have given me the confidence I have. NO ONE ELSE can make me feel as damn good about myself, my life, my place in this world, as I did for myself. No man, no friend, no boss, no family member. Only myself.

 

The same applies to you.

 

Think about what your internal insecurities are, and work on them. Work on them and work on them and work on them - no matter how many times you fail - until you prevail over your fears. I promise you, you'll find that core you're seeking so badly. Then, when a dude rejects you (which will happen, it's a fact of life and dating), it won't affect you in the slightest. Then, you'll wake up each morning happy, even if the other side of the bed is empty.

 

Do it.

Edited September 21, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[donnamaybe]

You're right, Star. There is no one else who can make you feel whole but yourself. Sure, there will still be times of self doubt and insecurity on specific subjects, but overall a good degree of self confidence is absolutely paramount to a happy, successful life.

 

I read about people who are all worked up over losing X many pounds JUST for an upcoming date, or who get all starry eyed because some guy they barely know finds them dateable, and I wonder how they will ever find their Mr. Right if they don't even have a firmly rooted belief in themselves, or how will they land the job they truly want. There are so many facets of life this affects!

[Star Gazer]

Yes, Donna... It affects so much more than just dating/relationships. It affects how you make/keep friends, how well you perform at work, and overall how mentally healthy you are...and so much more!

[donnamaybe]

One thing I did to conquer some fear was to sing in public. I was always musically inclined - I play four instruments and was teaching guitar lessons for money at the age of 16. But sing in public? Oh, HELL no! I finally got up the nerve and found I am actually quite good. In fact, people ask what band I front after they've heard me. Others have said, "You should go on American Idol." I always come back with, "Do they have an AARP version?" But all in all, it has helped tremendously with my self confidence.

[jerbear]

I think you will join the Lishy, OJB (Jilly Bean hates that nickname), and Touche. You are right that only you can get yourself out of it.

 

Getting out of shape is a understatement, I got out and learned to salsa, ski, workout and even got a new job a few years ago.

 

You go girl...

[Kamille]

Jerbear! Where have you been hiding??

 

 

One thing I did to conquer some fear was to sing in public.

 

Definitely something I want to do. I recently challenged myself and took up a dancing class. I grew up believing I sucked at dancing and singing, having my sister and her friends laugh at me every time I danced or sing. I now realized the reason their taunting hurt is because... I love singing and dancing. i'm glad I got over my childhood hang ups and am investing in things that make me happy.

 

So, yes, Star, you're absolutely right. I often get the impression that some of the posters here are so anxious about their love lives that they forget that they're the only ones who can help themselves to feel better, more relaxed and happy. Hell, I have a significant other and the job of making sure I'm relaxed and happy still falls on my shoulders. I'm pretty sure that if I didn't know how to take care of myself, BF and I wouldn't have made it past the three point mark. Expecting someone else to sweep into your life and solve your problems, Prince-Charming style, is not conducive to healthy relationships. In my experience, it's not conducive to relationships, punto.

 

When I was a crazy insecure twenty-something in search of external validation, no men took me seriously as a potential girlfriend. I felt like no guy would ever like me for me and didn't understand what was wrong with them. Yes, I blamed men. Perhaps I thought they were superficial. I don't know or remember exactly. But then, one day, I started paying attention to my friends who hard healthy relationships. What distinguished them from my friends who were single was... that they weren't drama queens. They were level-headed, centered women who had their acts together.

 

So I tried it. I stopped being drama-driven and started being focusing on having my act together. This meant implementing some of the changes Star mentions, namely, being happy on my own. Once I switched, my dating life improved. Most men I dated even commented on how grounded I was and how much they appreciated it. Half of them expressed they wanted a serious relationship with me and a quarter of these guys got that chance.

 

Lately, I've been working really hard to learn how to express my needs in this relationship, how to assert my boundaries and it totally paid off. My current relationship is the easiest relationship I've ever had. Not because we don't have problems - we do - but because I know how to assert my own needs and bf can trust that I will speak up for myself.

 

Please note: none of my efforts were as outstanding as Star's. I didn't conquer black diamond slopes on ski hills. I just learned how to put my own needs first.

[Star Gazer]

Please note: none of my efforts were as outstanding as Star's. I didn't conquer black diamond slopes on ski hills. I just learned how to put my own needs first.

 

Oh shush! That was just something I needed to conquer, for myself. Putting my needs first is still a daily challenge...

 

I think we've made gigantic strides over the years. I'm quite proud of us.

[sweetjasmine]

Awesome, wonderful post, Star!

 

Think about what your internal insecurities are, and work on them. Work on them and work on them and work on them - no matter how many times you fail - until you prevail over your fears. I promise you, you'll find that core you're seeking so badly. Then, when a dude rejects you (which will happen, it's a fact of life and dating), it won't affect you in the slightest. Then, you'll wake up each morning happy, even if the other side of the bed is empty.

 

Do it.

 

Absolutely. Excellent advice. I think a lot of people need to read this over and over. Thanks for writing it and for sharing.

[curiousnycgirl]

Fabulous post Star - I was just thinking about how I need to get MY life back. The one I had 6 year ago where I went on a last minute trip to El Salvador to go hiking through fabulous but rough terrain, etc. just because I could.

 

Your post could not have been better timed. I'll post more later. Just wanted to say I love you guys!

[Star Gazer]

Fabulous post Star - I was just thinking about how I need to get MY life back. The one I had 6 year ago where I went on a last minute trip to El Salvador to go hiking through fabulous but rough terrain, etc. just because I could.

 

Your post could not have been better timed. I'll post more later. Just wanted to say I love you guys!

 

Love you too! Was just thinking about you... Hope all is well?? xoxo

[USMCHokie]

Great post, Star! I definitely wish I had this a year ago...

 

So many people, whether fresh off a breakup or frustrated after months or years of unsuccessful dating, will inevitably base their self-worth from external sources, whether it's their ex, their friends, or the entire opposite gender.

 

After my breakup, it wasn't until I looked inward and discovered all I had going for me that I was able to move on and be happy again. Sure, there were many things I could do to improve myself and make me a better person, but when I accomplished those things, it made me feel more happy and proud of myself than any woman could ever make me feel, and I finally felt deserving of a woman who could make a happy man even happier.

[curiousnycgirl]

Love you too! Was just thinking about you... Hope all is well?? xoxo

 

It will be - give me time!

[Star Gazer]

I finally felt deserving of a woman who could make a happy man even happier.

 

That's EXACTLY IT! If you have a source of internal validation and self-love, when a member of the opposite sex likes you, you don't find yourself questioning why, or feeling unworthy. You think, "Well of course! Why wouldn't s/he like me? :)" and that train of thought is NOT based on your appearance, but what you have to offer as a relationship partner.

 

It's an awesome feeling to have.

 

[LisaLee]

This is a great thread, Star... I read some of the regulars threads and it makes me want to pull my hair. I know where they are coming from, I still struggle with my insecurities, but I have been much better in fighting past it.

 

Part of the problem that I see with the regulars that you directed this thread to is there is a lot of enabling going on. A couple of individuals see themselves in each other and they milk it, almost revel in their insecurities. No one understands them except for each other. It is the coddling and victimizing of each other that allows them to stay stuck in their current mentalities.

 

Anyway, I have to give a presentation today that I am nervous about. I always get nervous right before a presentation, but have gotten better over the years. This thread has inspired me to relax and do my best.

[Dooda]

Wow, perfect advice. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you.

For the first part of your post, it felt like you were reading my mind. I thought I was the only one that stressed out over stupid **** like that.

This really got to me, and has helped me to realize that the only person who can help me is me, and that no one is going to help me as much as I will. No one really cares as much about me as I do.

I feel as though I am truly struggling on a social level, and because of it (the constant thinking, the anxiety), I am struggling and unmotivated on all other levels, or maybe it's vice versa.

This has truly helped me. Thank you.

[shayan]

Well done, however, I believe one should build there internal validation so that it becomes independent of even what they do or anything, as if it can never be questioned irregardless of circumstance! crazy right

[Phateless]

This thread is meant for a particular few, but I suspect a lot of people can learn something from it.

 

As we've seen a million times in recent weeks in certain threads, the only way to truly obtain affirmation of your self-worth is through a strong core and internal validation. A strong core allows you to value yourself, who you are, and your abilities. Not being able to internally validate yourself will cause you to seek external validation, that is, validation from others, and your own fear of rejection (i.e., fear of invalidation) will prevent you from being able to reach out and connect with others in a positive, healthy way. When you have your own source of internal validation, you don't have to seek it elsewhere. Rather, you're able to interact with others in a positive way and connect with them in a healthy way without debilitating, over-analyzing fear.

 

But the thing is, YOU have to do the heavy lifting. YOU have to do the work to obtain that internal validation. Only YOU can give yourself the confidence you need. You can't get it from a hot guy liking you. You can't get it based on how quickly he responds to a text, email, or phone call. You can't get it from compliments. You can't get it from having sex with a guy. You can't get it from plastic surgery. Trust me, I know.

 

I know this, because I used to be a (much less severe) version of some of our regular posters who struggle with finding that internal validation, and who only seek it from external sources. I recall particular posters outright calling me a doormat... Touche, Lishy, and Jilly Bean all specifically come to mind. Man, I hated them for that. I was as defensive as they come. But I now know how spot on they were, and I LOVE them for it.

 

So I worked on it. I thought to myself, what are my core fears? What are my internal weaknesses? What are the things I feel insecure and unhappy about deep down in my gut? I think these things will be different for everyone. For me, I was insecure and unhappy about my physical abilities, and my lack of professional fulfillment. So I worked on those things – for me, and only me. I didn't have anyone telling me to do this, it was more of an experiment than anything. But it worked.

 

What did I do? Well, although I "skied," I wasn’t really a "skier," as I was almost deathly afraid to ski steep slopes. I knew this was something I wanted to do for myself, something I wanted to conquer. I knew I'd feel amazing if I could do it, so I made myself do it. It took a couple runs, and I did have to hire a private instructor at one point to coach me down, but I can't tell you how good it felt when I finally made it down a steep pitch without falling. And eventually I was able to make it down and actually look like I knew what I was doing – my "OMG I’m gonna die!" facial and vocal expressions disappeared, and changed to a big "Yaaaayyy!!! Weeeeee!!!" all the way down the mountain.

 

Another example? I had never done a triathalon before, and had never kayaked, but I signed up for and participated in a triathalon that included a kayak-portion (instead of swimming). I learned how to kayak just one week before the race, through rapids. I didn't care what my finish time was (not so great, but not so bad either), I just wanted to survive. And I did – and it felt AWESOME.

 

Something else: I had never Olympic weightlifted in my life, and thought I could never do a pullup. Quite frankly, after my breakup, I found myself really out of shape. I observed a couple CrossFit workouts and a small piece of me thought, "There's no way I can do that." But then I thought back to skiing and that race, and I thought, "Why not?" Now I'm kicking my own ass and impressing my coaches 3-4x a week at CrossFit, and sometimes even killing lots of my classmates in the process. And when I don't crush the workout and either puke or look like I'm going to passout in the middle of the workout (which is more often than I'd like!), I'm still impressed by what I did manage to do, because I'm always better/stronger/faster than the last workout. It also helps that the phrase "I can't" simply isn't allowed.

 

Another thing: I thought I'd never figure out how to golf, partly because I didn't have anyone to golf with (or so I thought), and partly because I kinda suck and putt-putt. So I checked around and found some lessons and started taking them 2 weeks ago, all by myself. Turns out I'm a better putter than I thought, and once friends found out that I'm golfing, they're coming out of the woodwork to play.

 

Each time I come home from doing one of these things, I see one of the most beautiful people in the world in the mirror, because she's standing there with flushed or sunburned cheeks and the biggest effing grin you've ever seen, that says, "Yeah, I did that."

 

Professionally and personally, I thought I'd never be able to successfully and confidently lead 120 women of varying backgrounds, temperaments and personalities to put on one of our organization's biggest fundraisers of the year. I thought they'd drive me crazy, or I'd somehow fail and lose their respect. But I did it, and it went smashingly well.

 

I was also terrified of changing jobs, fearful of what that would mean for my ego and station in the community as a money making big wig, but knowing that I really needed the change in order to do what I really wanted to do. I tried and tried and tried to get in to what I want to do, but was rejected by the entity I wanted to work for – twice. The third time was finally the charm, and it feels damn good to have worked so hard for it. I pinch myself everyday that I walk into my building now, and when I sit down at my desk and log in through 4 different encrypted programs and servers, I think to myself, "Yeah, I did this for myself. I finally made it to where I want to be."

 

Now, any one of these things might not seem like a big deal to some people, particularly those who are super fit or who love their job already, or even those who just don't value/care about these things. But this was all a pretty big deal for me. I have never felt more confident, secure, and happy, as I have this past year, and it's all because of the work I put in to myself. Not one part of it had anything to do with a guy. I was going after the person I wanted to be, deep down at my core, but never thought I could be. In essence, I conquered myself...and won.

 

Ladies, my point is this: NO ONE ELSE in the world could have brought me the sort of happiness I made for myself. NO ONE ELSE in the world could have given me the confidence I have. NO ONE ELSE can make me feel as damn good about myself, my life, my place in this world, as I did for myself. No man, no friend, no boss, no family member. Only myself.

 

The same applies to you.

 

Think about what your internal insecurities are, and work on them. Work on them and work on them and work on them - no matter how many times you fail - until you prevail over your fears. I promise you, you'll find that core you're seeking so badly. Then, when a dude rejects you (which will happen, it's a fact of life and dating), it won't affect you in the slightest. Then, you'll wake up each morning happy, even if the other side of the bed is empty.

 

Do it.

 

*slow clapping*

[Star Gazer]

Thanks guys! It's good to see people appreciating what others have learned.

 

*slow clapping*

 

I still love your signature!

[CLC2008]

Great post Star.

 

I'd also like to add, that sometimes inner peace and contentment, can be achieved by simply enjoying the little things.

 

Loving the calm, versus the chaos.

 

Enjoying time alone and spending time with oneself, without any external factors or focus.

 

Just breathing

[Star Gazer]

Great post Star.

 

I'd also like to add, that sometimes inner peace and contentment, can be achieved by simply enjoying the little things.

 

Loving the calm, versus the chaos.

 

Peace, yes... but not internal validation of self-worth. That comes from a different place, IMO. It comes from knowing who you are, what you're capable of, etc.

[CLC2008]

Peace, yes... but not internal validation of self-worth. That comes from a different place, IMO. It comes from knowing who you are, what you're capable of, etc.

 

Possibly, but internal validation rests upon something within ourselves.

 

We just need to discover and tap into that inner source from time to time.

[pandagirl]

Here, here! Though my recent breakup was hard, the best thing that came out of it was realizing I really lost myself in the relationship towards the ends. It was a big wake up call for me, as I have never been 'that girl' before. I'm excited to get back to the happy, confident individual I was before.

 

We just all need to realize we are awesome.

[Star Gazer]

Possibly, but internal validation rests upon something within ourselves.

 

We just need to discover and tap into that inner source from time to time.

 

Um, that's exactly what the entire first post was about - that internal validation comes from within, not external sources.

 

In response, you said it was about finding peace and contentment in the little things, enjoying the peace. The little things, the peace...that's still external.

 

Sometimes I really don't understand your posts...

[Star Gazer]

Here, here! Though my recent breakup was hard, the best thing that came out of it was realizing I really lost myself in the relationship towards the ends. It was a big wake up call for me, as I have never been 'that girl' before. I'm excited to get back to the happy, confident individual I was before.

 

We just all need to realize we are awesome.

 

We've all been guilty of being "that girl" at one time or another. It's how we grow.

 

And yes, we're all awesome!!

[pandagirl]

We've all been guilty of being "that girl" at one time or another. It's how we grow.

 

And yes, we're all awesome!!

 

Yeah, but it really surprised me. And when I realized it, I was like... OH MAN WTF?? haha.

 

It's funny, once you start to feel awesome again, it's makes everything feel good again -- like you can conquer the world. I will only accept awesomeness into my life.