Lakeside_runner Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I have recently given it another thought, I mean the whole "Why am I single?"-question. Well, on numerous occasions people (also on LS) have told me that I seem unapproachable and come off as brusque. I had several of my female friends tell me that as well. The also said that as they got to know me better they saw my sweet and caring side. Yeah, my face usually says "don't come closer because I'll break your spine", all the endurance stuff has made me behave a little like the drill-sergant from movie "Full Metal Jacket" (recently featured in an insurance commercial). So, I realize that this can be/is unattractive. The thing is that I am not like that, I mean, sure I will sometimes listen to guys my age who complain while sipping another beer that they can't run a mile because of the belly they carry and think "Bunch of cry-babies..."... But in general I am very warm and open to people once I get to know them and they get to know me a little better. Any advice?
CLC2008 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Wasn't there another thread like this you posted before? I guess if several people have mentioned you come across as brutish, maybe try smiling more?
Taramere Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I clicked on your profile to get a closer look at the running pic. Instead I saw the "arms folded in front of the blackboard" pic. You're a nice looking guy, but you look pretty bloody annoyed in that picture. You do know that arms folded is a very clear "back right off" signal, don't you? I think if you're naturally brusque then combining it with self awareness and a sort of self-deprecating sarcasm will be helpful. Brusqueness combined with dry wit = awesome, whereas brusqueness without humour just creates an atmosphere you can cut with a knife.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 I clicked on your profile to get a closer look at the running pic. Instead I saw the "arms folded in front of the blackboard" pic. You're a nice looking guy, but you look pretty bloody annoyed in that picture. You do know that arms folded is a very clear "back right off" signal, don't you? Yeah, I probably should stop doing that... I think if you're naturally brusque then combining it with self awareness and a sort of self-deprecating sarcasm will be helpful. Brusqueness combined with dry wit = awesome, whereas brusqueness without humour just creates an atmosphere you can cut with a knife. Nah, I have a sense of humor So far my most of my students have liked it... and I feel like college kids can be a demanding audience.
Stung Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 If you are warm and gooey on the inside, what is it that keeps you from letting some of that leak up to the surface? Is the brusque demeanor what you default to when you feel awkward or socially nervous?
Author Lakeside_runner Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 If you are warm and gooey on the inside, what is it that keeps you from letting some of that leak up to the surface? Is the brusque demeanor what you default to when you feel awkward or socially nervous? I'm not gooey in the inside. What I mean by being warm is: I am protective, supportive, caring and providing. There is some truth to what you said in the second part though. I think it's rather I am constantly guarded for no reason. I am aware of that and I try to fight it but no matter what I do it's still there...
Art_Critic Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Maybe you haven't figured out yet how to leave work at work and be someone different when you are not teaching.. I would think being a teacher of college kids would require a someone brutish attitude at times.. I also find humor to be the easiest key to making people feel comfortable around me.. Crack a good funny joke that makes people smile and laugh and it disarms them. Try not to take your work personality home anymore...
CLC2008 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Maybe you haven't figured out yet how to leave work at work and be someone different when you are not teaching.. I would think being a teacher of college kids would require a someone brutish attitude at times.. I also find humor to be the easiest key to making people feel comfortable around me.. Crack a good funny joke that makes people smile and laugh and it disarms them. Try not to take your work personality home anymore... Yes, this. Or, maybe tell a silly story about a penis pump, perhaps...?
Stung Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I'm not gooey in the inside. What I mean by being warm is: I am protective, supportive, caring and providing. There is some truth to what you said in the second part though. I think it's rather I am constantly guarded for no reason. I am aware of that and I try to fight it but no matter what I do it's still there... Calling someone gooey on the inside (and crunchy on the outside) is just a vernacular expression derived from old candy commercials. It's not an insult, it refers directly to how you described yourself, as being brusque on the exterior and perceiving yourself as warm and caring on the interior. It just acknowledges human feelings, although it does refer to them as 'goo'. BTW, from a strictly biological perspective, if you're not as least somewhat gooey on the inside, you should probably see a Dr. There is usually a reason why people feel they have to be constantly on guard, even if it's not immediately evident or in any way tangible. Maybe you feel people's gazes on you as critical, evaluating? If that's the case, it might help to remind yourself that most people really aren't looking that hard, most people are just in their own heads, thinking their own thoughts. You're background noise, until you catch someone's attention with your dour frown OR your rakish grin. If you don't feel the weight of the public gaze all the time, is it easier to focus down on individuals and favor them with your rakish grin?
Knittress Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Maybe there's nothing wrong with being brusque? It might repel some of the more sensitive folk, but you can't please everyone. The world needs all types, right?
Stung Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Maybe there's nothing wrong with being brusque? It might repel some of the more sensitive folk, but you can't please everyone. The world needs all types, right? That's a good point too. I mean, nobody is universally liked, and there are women who are attracted to a brooding exterior, or women who are insightful enough to see beneath it.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 There are some good points there. I think there may be some other underlaying things that, I guess, I have to work on.
Loquacious Miss L. Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 I LITERALLY just posted about the same thing in this forum the other day. I too come off that way although I don't mean to. I guess it's something in my delivery that basically turns people off. I'm a really nice person, as a matter of fact I sound like what you describe. The advice I have gotten here is to work on the way I come across and just "soften" myself a bit. I don't know what the man equivalent of that is....but I still wanted to tell you I relate.
skydiveaddict Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Yeah, my face usually says "don't come closer because I'll break your spine", Any advice? Yes, join the army. You will be in good company. also, remember that as tough as you think you are, there others out there who will break your spine first.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 Yes, join the army. You will be in good company. also, remember that as tough as you think you are, there others out there who will break your spine first. And... that was supposed to be constructive? Funny? Did I say - "Yeah! I am Mister Tough-guy here! I will break your spine if I want to!"? No. It's nice to know though that there are people out there who simply enjoy typing for the sake of typing and as much as they love the sound of their voice they also love to see forum-posts written by them.
Knittress Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 It's nice to know though that there are people out there who simply enjoy typing for the sake of typing and as much as they love the sound of their voice they also love to see forum-posts written by them. Heh. I kinda suspect we're ALL guilty of that one to some degree.
skydiveaddict Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 And... that was supposed to be constructive? Funny? Did I say - "Yeah! I am Mister Tough-guy here! I will break your spine if I want to!"? No. It's nice to know though that there are people out there who simply enjoy typing for the sake of typing and as much as they love the sound of their voice they also love to see forum-posts written by them. No I didn't mean it like that at all. I think I have the same problem as you. I'm sorry you took offense to it.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 OK, I apologize then. See? There you go! I was effin' brusque again for no good reason... I feel like I'd fit well in NYC. "Good morning!" - "Yeah! Eff you too!"
2sunny Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 i get that from people sometimes too. but i chalk it up to me being honest. i think people have forgotten what honest looks/feels like. if i'm not happy - i'm not pretending i'm happy. when i am - i show it. and another thing - if things are terribly backwards - what good does it do to tell someone what they want to hear instead of telling them the truth? sometimes things just seem backwards.
skydiveaddict Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 OK, I apologize then. See? There you go! I was effin' brusque again for no good reason... I feel like I'd fit well in NYC. "Good morning!" - "Yeah! Eff you too!" No problem, like I said, the same is true about me, only ten times worse, but I'm sure for different reasons
Author Lakeside_runner Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 Exactly! I don't know... A perfectly healthy, young guy went on the elevator with me today. We started on the first floor. I went to the fourth floor, he pressed...2! I just had to ask him if everything is ok...
sanskrit Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 ... A perfectly healthy, young guy went on the elevator with me today. We started on the first floor. I went to the fourth floor, he pressed...2! I just had to ask him if everything is ok... Haha good one, I can't help giving "one-floor-elevator-takers" a hard time sometimes myself. The recipe for being not single for a man is to address the physical first, sounds like that's a check, then up your approaches until you are keeping talking with 3-5 women at a time. Are you doing this? Your attitude sounds fine and not brusque, just increase your approaches.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 The recipe for being not single for a man is to address the physical first, sounds like that's a check, check. then up your approaches until you are keeping talking with 3-5 women at a time. Are you doing this? Your attitude sounds fine and not brusque, just increase your approaches. Yeah - I suppose that is the problem... gotta do it.
2sunny Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 i stand up for principles that matter. some people don't like it because it makes them uncomfortable... they don't want to hear the truth. they say i'm "tough." that's funny... i'm tall, slim and look almost wimpy while being approachable and mild mannered as well as happy - but the inside is totally different than that description. i don't take crap from people and pretend like it's all good. i call the crap - crap, and tell them i'm not ok with it... and i'm not going along with it.
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