Mad Max Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I don't know, I think you're leaping to conclusions here by calling them all cheaters or cheating-sympathizers. Really? I think I'm spot on, as do several other posters. The relationship is completely inappropriate. If I was doing the same with another woman, I know my girlfriend/wife would not tolerate it. Why is it okay when a woman does it? The only logical answer would be that the women defending the wife have done or are doing something similar. Alex' wife still doesn't think she did anything wrong, and if his wife's friends are hearing only her version of events, it's not such a stretch for them to not think she did anything wrong, either. Me, I do believe that it's okay to have platonic opposite-sex friends, and to go out with them alone from time to time, and I'm no cheater. When I hear details like the wife planned out-of-town trips around meeting this guy, and went to five star restaurants with him, and wrote him emails about how amazing it was to spend time with him, obviously that drastically changes the scenario-- but I seriously doubt that those are details that this wife shared with her friends without massive downplaying. Of course she thinks she didn't do anything wrong!! And going on expensive dinner dates as a married woman with another man is inappropriate. A woman would never tolerate a man doing it. Why should a man put up with his woman doing it? You're coming across as very hypocritical Stung, and I like you as a poster. Alex, if you are bothered by the he-said she-said thing going on in your shared friendships, and feel like your wife is continuing to minimize your feelings and just putting a PR spin on everything, maybe you should bring everything out into the light yourself. If you are friendly with these women as well, if your wife is throwing their opinions at you like weapons, why not tell them your side of the story too? And at this point I think you should insist that she see a marriage counselor with you, because the way she keeps invalidating your feelings is NOT conducive to any kind of healthy marriage. It really sounds pretty horrible, to be honest. Absolutely he should. And yes, his wife being inconsiderate of his feelings is horrible. On the other hand, there's something to be said for biding your time and continuing to gather evidence, if you're still looking for a smoking gun. But if a smoking gun exists and you do find it, what will you do with it? You have mentioned you are unwilling to be aggressive about this because of your daughter. But surely all the suspicion and fighting in your household can't be a good atmosphere for your little girl, either? Parents never hide the tension as well as they think they do... Because if he leaves his wife now without any proof of wrongdoing, he will get pounded in the a** in court. He's a man, not a woman. Women get favored in the court system and anyone that says otherwise is a woman and/or stupid.
Stung Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Please calm down and read my post again before you start calling me a hypocrite. I never, never said her relationship with her friend was appropriate, in fact I have agreed that it was not appropriate. I never said his wife wasn't doing anything wrong, I noted the obvious, that she doesn't think/admit she was doing anything wrong. I never said her husband should just tolerate the situation, where on earth did I say that? What I did was point out that her friends were unlikely to know the whole situation, and calling them cheaters too was premature. I suggested he tell her friends the WHOLE truth if he felt like she was using their opinion as weight against him, and I told him he should try to get marriage counseling because the way his wife was treating him was horrible. I also never said he should file for divorce without gathering any evidence--I asked him what he was going to do with evidence, because I was wondering if he was willing to file for divorce. Did you actually read what I wrote?
aerogurl87 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Thanks for responding. From your perspective, would you say she has a serious crush on the guy? If it's causing serious issues and fights in your marriage, then yes. Why would she get so defensive if he's just a friend. From my perspective, my home life comes first before any outsiders. So if anyone or anything could potentially damage my relationship with my boyfriend in this case as we're not married (yet ) then it would either have to go or get dealt with to where it was no longer a problem. So either he's a serious crush, she doesn't have her priorities straight, or a mixture of both.
Mad Max Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Please calm down and read my post again before you start calling me a hypocrite. I never, never said her relationship with her friend was appropriate, in fact I have agreed that it was not appropriate. I never said his wife wasn't doing anything wrong, I noted the obvious, that she doesn't think/admit she was doing anything wrong. I never said her husband should just tolerate the situation, where on earth did I say that? What I did was point out that her friends were unlikely to know the whole situation, and calling them cheaters too was premature. I suggested he tell her friends the WHOLE truth if he felt like she was using their opinion as weight against him, and I told him he should try to get marriage counseling because the way his wife was treating him was horrible. I also never said he should file for divorce without gathering any evidence--I asked him what he was going to do with evidence, because I was wondering if he was willing to file for divorce. Did you actually read what I wrote? I read every word. Nothing in your post indicates that the wife is at fault. You yourself said we're leaping to conclusions: I think you're leaping to conclusions here by calling them all cheaters or cheating-sympathizers. Why else would would someone defend the wife? Anyone with half a brain and morals knows she crossed the line. She's completely at fault.
CLC2008 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 It finally took an intervention from a female colleague for my wife to realize that something was wrong. The colleague told my wife that there were rumours in the office that she was having an affair. My wife was apparently shocked and totally disgusted that such rumour would float around, insisting that they are only friends and that nothing ever happened. People made remarks because they had one on one dinners in fancy restaurants and made jokes about expense reports. When she arranged a business trip to hang with her friend, people really started to talk. Throughout the conversation, my wife acts as if what her friend said was a true revelation to her. She never realized how spending the night away from her daughter just to hang with a friend might potentially make him think she's interested. I'm really disappointed in her about this. We argued all night. My wife now realizes she should be careful about that guy as he is potentially interested in more. But on the other hand I still don't understand why she needed to see that friend so much. I guess I'll never have an answer to that. I would not be cool with this. What were her reasons for spending so much one-on-one alone time with him like that? Have there been other issues, aside from this, in your marriage? Even still, her behavior was very inappropriate, and if I were married and my Husband did that, he'd be sleeping in the garage.
Stung Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I read every word. Nothing in your post indicates that the wife is at fault. You yourself said we're leaping to conclusions: Why else would would someone defend the wife? Anyone with half a brain and morals knows she crossed the line. She's completely at fault. The entire point, which I reiterated repeatedly, was that the friends probably had not heard the whole truth. People who have only heard half the truth do not react the same way as people who are familiar with the other side of the story. Many people do believe that it's okay to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, and if all those people heard was the wife's version of events with the EA downplayed and her innocence played up, with the details probably conveniently glossed over, it makes sense that they wouldn't see the gravity of the situation. I think it makes just as much sense as assuming they're all a coven of cheaters, at the very least. And I don't particularly appreciate being called a hypocrite because you're having trouble comprehending the point of my post--a post which in no way ever said half of what you suggested it did. BTW, my post in fact states pretty clearly that I think the wife is a liar, lying to her friends as well as her husband, and inconsiderate, and treating her husband badly. So I think its fairly clear that I'm not siding with her or celebrating her awesome relationship skills. Alex, in case my original advice has been totally obscured by this little threadjack, let me reiterate: If your wife is telling your mutual friends half-truths and then using their opinions as weapons against your arguments, I think you should talk to them yourself, and drag EVERYTHING out into the light. In my opinion the majority of her friends will see your side if you present it yourself, and with a more balanced view of what's going on your wife won't be able to use them against you anymore. Ie, take her weapons away. Also, your arguments with your wife seem to be going in circles and she is either in tremendous denial or gaslighting the hell out of you--either way, she is invalidating your feelings and minimizing you as a person, which is very bad mojo for a marriage. If you want to save the marriage for your daughter's sake, INSIST on marriage counseling. You can't let her keep treating you this way.
Author alex1960 Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 We both took the day off today and my wife admitted she can't control her sex drive and has been cheating on me since day one. She has also been doing drugs behind my back. Hope you all feel better than me right now
Mad Max Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 We both took the day off today and my wife admitted she can't control her sex drive and has been cheating on me since day one. She has also been doing drugs behind my back. Hope you all feel better than me right now I'm sorry you had to go through this. Please do the following: 1)File for divorce NOW 2)Have her take a drug test. If she tests positive, use it in court 3)File for full custody of your daughter
aerogurl87 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 We both took the day off today and my wife admitted she can't control her sex drive and has been cheating on me since day one. She has also been doing drugs behind my back. Hope you all feel better than me right now Wow, well I'm sorry you had to hear that but better to have the truth now than find out later. I agree with Mad Max though, file for divorce now, get full custody of your daughter, and make her take a drug test.
GorillaTheater Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 We both took the day off today and my wife admitted she can't control her sex drive and has been cheating on me since day one. She has also been doing drugs behind my back. Hope you all feel better than me right now I imagine I am; you probably feel flayed and gutted. Take care of yourself as best you can. Eat, sleep and exercise as much as you can manage. And divorce her ass, ASAP. Don't move out of the house. If you feel you have to, take your daughter with you. Don't let your "wife" play the abandonment card when it comes to custody. Go NC with her to the extent you can. Separate your finances and cancel joint credit cards today. I'm very sorry for your pain, Alex. Keep posting.
2sunny Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 We both took the day off today and my wife admitted she can't control her sex drive and has been cheating on me since day one. She has also been doing drugs behind my back. Hope you all feel better than me right now so now a few more things may make sense... and what are YOU planning to do about it? now you know she's a cheater and a druggy - are you planning to continue putting up with it all - even if things don't change? remember - the only one you can change is you. hence, my original question - which has been asked of you more than once and never answered.
FryFish Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 We both took the day off today and my wife admitted she can't control her sex drive and has been cheating on me since day one. She has also been doing drugs behind my back. Hope you all feel better than me right nowIm angry for you man... Really angry for some reason... When you say "from day one" do you mean from day one of your marriage or day one of her friendship with this guy... Do what you can to get him fired from his job.
FL Lady Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 We both took the day off today and my wife admitted she can't control her sex drive and has been cheating on me since day one. She has also been doing drugs behind my back. Hope you all feel better than me right now Hey Alex1960 Sorry to hear this. But now you can begin planning and preparing for the future.
FL Lady Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I'm not ready to bail, I'm just really tired of guessing and wondering. So you expect me to pay for the flight AND dinner as well? If you promise the conversation will be light and fun, I'm game. For the record, I always have fun. Life is too short. However, above all focus on your daughter and current circumstances. Thinking about escapes, even quick, is refreshing though!! Having been there, I know!
alexlakeman Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 WOw, that s.cks.. good luck.. So I guess your friend that went to spy on her last trip, wasn't too reliable..
Stung Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 We both took the day off today and my wife admitted she can't control her sex drive and has been cheating on me since day one. She has also been doing drugs behind my back. Hope you all feel better than me right now I'm very, very sorry, Alex. I know there are no words that will comfort you now. It's a lot to try to absorb, but there's even more: you need to start thinking about what you're going to do, now that you have the truth you've been looking for. If you decide to file for divorce, Gorilla Theater had some excellent advice. No matter what you think you are going to do now, it is a good idea to make an appointment to see a good divorce/family law attorney ASAP; they can help you get a clearer picture of some of the possibilities that are unfolding before you. Remember that your wife has proven she is not the woman you thought she was, do not take this lightly and forget to protect yourself as best you can. You might also want to see an individual counselor to help you get past the shock and keep yourself functioning as healthily as possible despite this tremendous stress, for the sake of your daughter. Consider posting over on the Infidelity and Separation/Divorce boards, as not all that many of the posters here in Dating have experience with some of the very complex family issues you are now facing. Don't move out of the house. If you feel you have to, take your daughter with you. Don't let your "wife" play the abandonment card when it comes to custody. Go NC with her to the extent you can. Separate your finances and cancel joint credit cards today. .
sanskrit Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 We both took the day off today and my wife admitted she can't control her sex drive and has been cheating on me since day one. She has also been doing drugs behind my back. Hope you all feel better than me right now So sorry about this. I feel bad for you, and have been there. For your sanity and emotional health, there are some things you might consider keeping in mind. First, this cheating is hers, all hers, and she is the only one accountable for it. Don't sit and wallow in the blame, but neither let her place this on you somehow, or on fate, or on her uncontrollable sex drive. Try to limit your conversations about this with her right now, for a solid week or so, to the bare minimum. She is likely to say all sorts of things to shift all blame and accountability away from her, maybe even onto you. Just don't listen and don't buy any of it. If down the road a bit you need to ask about facts, get it all over with in one session, don't drag things out. You may feel an overwhelming urge to forgive her sometime soon, hold off on this until you are out of the shock of it, at least a month. Don't give into Stockholm Syndrome and don't sit around and fester. Keep away from her and out of familiar environments, maybe take a trip or vacation. Good luck.
brainygirl Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Oh wow, things make a little more sense now . . . . the money consumption, the "friends". Do what you have to do to protect your kiddo. I hope she gets help, but the kiddo matters now.
FryFish Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Oh wow, things make a little more sense now .From his first post it was a pretty good guess that his latest post was on the way...
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